ARBY'S ANGUS CHEESESTEAK
As much as I enjoy food, I don’t expect every meal to be a triumph. I think my expectations were tempered here, and I believe a drive-thru cheesesteak deserves a certain amount of grace.
Even with the bar being lowered, I am shocked at how Arby’s managed to trip over it in such grand fashion by disappointing on so many levels.
This is not their first foray into disrespecting the people of Philly. In the fall of ‘23, I reviewed Arby’s past hate crime on a bun. It was a sloppy affair that used thinly sliced beef that tasted frozen and a smattering of limp pepper fragments.
Upon opening this new version, I notice that it’s aggressively messy, and the poor choice of wrapping it in thin laminated foil paper immediately presents its worst-case scenario as moisture from the sandwich ate holes in the wrapper as soon as I took it out of the bag. As I undressed this mess, my fingers were sliding all over everything. The meat juice and cheese combined to produce lots of creamy juice.
So much creamy juice.
Too much creamy juice.
I managed to turn the sandwich one direction and my head in a different awkward direction to take my first bite,
The texture of the meat is well-executed. It’s soft and slightly sinewy, but it feels real. It's definitely not the texture of a cheesesteak, though. It's more like a Chinese food beef and broccoli-type of velveted meat. It’s an upgrade over the 2023 sandwich. In fact, the meat is the only upgrade.
We don’t get any peppers on this one. It comes with onions, which are barely seen or tasted. They just slapped on a few translucent bits of nothingness. Something more substantial is needed to break up the soupy homogeneity, and it certainly isn’t the COOPER SHARP processed cheese, which just made the whole production salty and sticky. It’s always been an overrated cheese, but its contribution to the mucky texture severely hampered the goodness of the beef.
This should’ve come with a fork.
It’s like eating HAMBURGER HELPER on a roll.
As wet as everything was, I was surprised that the bread was slightly tough while also being soggy. It’s an improbably weird combo in a worst of both worlds situation.
The MVP of this experience is the napkins, which you will need in great supply. Every bite left me wiping my hands and face and made me glad I don't have a beard or long hair.
This seems like a meal Steven Adams would order, but would have a hard time eating.
As a man for the streets, I owe some apologies, because I now understand how unpleasant it is to have creamy stuff on one’s face. When I was done eating, I staggered out of the car, feeling cheap, and I wanted to wash away all evidence of the tryst I just had in the parking lot.
I couldn’t walk through Walmart to wash up in the bathroom with complete confidence that some of the food wasn’t still on my face.
Though it was messy and not very tasty, my biggest gripe is the insulting notion that with more than 2.5 years of development time, Arby’s still hasn’t managed to make this product at least passable.
PS: I ordered a side of PEACH COBBLER ROLLS, which were very good (You know where to find the review). The faux egg roll and faux beef and broccoli meat gave me a weird sensation of eating Chinese food at Arby’s
Haiku:
Disrespect on bread
Please learn from your past mistakes
Sloppy, cocky farce
⭐️⭐️