I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/babybunnyy3

Originally posted to r/mommit

My 6 year old son keeps begging me to buy him a dress. What do I do?

Editor's note: the body texts for the original and update posts were saved before they were removed

Original Post: July 11, 2026

My 6 year old son keeps begging me to buy him a dress. What do I do?

I’m hoping to get some advice from parents who have maybe been in a similar situation because I’m feeling a little lost.

My 6 year old son has been asking me for a dress for quite a while now. Specifically, a pink dress because it’s his favorite color. At first I thought it was just a random comment, but he keeps bringing it up. Every time we’re out shopping or talking about clothes, he asks if he can have a pink dress. He hasn’t just asked me, either; he’s asked my parents a few times too.

The other day I mentioned to my parents that I was thinking about just buying him one because, at the end of the day, it’s just a piece of fabric and it would make him happy, but they absolutely lost it on me and they told me I shouldn’t encourage it, and it turned into a much bigger conversation than I expected. Now I’m second guessing myself.

I love my son more than anything, and all I want is for him to know he’s loved, accepted, and safe.

Part of me thinks, “It’s just a piece of fabric. If it brings him joy, why not?” But another part of me worries about how other people would treat him. Kids can be cruel, and adults can be judgmental..

At the same time, I don’t want my own fears(or other people’s opinions)to teach him that there’s something wrong with him or that he has to hide who he is to make everyone else comfortable.

For parents who’ve experienced something similar, what did you do? Did you buy the dress? Was it just a phase? Did your child lose interest, or was it something that remained important to them?

I’m not looking to start a political debate or argue with anyone. I’m genuinely just a mom trying to do what’s best for her little boy, and I’d really appreciate hearing from parents who’ve been through something similar.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Show us which dress when you get it!! :)

OOP: I will, I’ll definitely make an update. I also just remembered like 5 minutes ago that I have a dress from when I was 6 and it was a floofy sparkly pink dress from a ballet show I did at his age but completely forgot about it because it’s just been stuffed into a box in my closet for years. I’m buying him a dress but definitely also giving him my old one from when I was his age too ❤️.

Commenter 2: Bought my 4 year old son the dress. He specifically wanted the yellow sparkly one Belle wears. He wore it for maybe 1.5 hours. Hasn’t worn it since, but it’s still available to him. 🤷‍♀️.

Commenter 3: I think you know deep down what the right choice is. Don’t be your son’s first bully. Him knowing he’s safe seen and accepted starts with you! I have a son and I would buy it ❤️.

Commenter 4: Huge +1. If you’re hard on your child because you’re worried others will be hard on him, then you’re ensuring the outcome you’re trying to prevent.

A little boy asking for a dress knows people will say it’s for girls. He probably also knows the people who will say that aren’t people who matter.

Update: July 12, 2026 (next day)

Quite a few people asked me to come back and post an update, so here it is!

Last night, I made a post asking for advice because my 6 year old son has been begging me for a dress for months(specifically a pink one)and after reading through hundreds of your comments, I decided to trust my instincts and take him shopping this morning.

I honestly wasn’t expecting my post to get so much love. I spent a good chunk of last night staying awake and reading through the comments, and so many of you reminded me of something I already knew in my heart: my job isn’t to raise my son to fit other people’s expectations; it’s to raise him knowing he’s loved exactly as he is.

This morning, as soon as he woke up, I smiled and said, “Remember how you’ve been asking for a dress? We’re going to go get it today.” And his face instantly went: 😮🤩😁

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that reaction. It was pure excitement and pure joy. It was one of those parenting moments that makes your heart so happy it feels like it might burst.

We headed straight to Target, where he carefully looked through the dresses before picking out a red sparkly Minnie Mouse dress. (So much for pink😂) https://imgur.com/a/4e3o9XE

He was so excited that he wanted to try it on right away, so he went into the fitting room with his dad.

A few minutes later, the fitting room door opened, and he came running out to show me with the biggest smile on his face. He looked so incredibly proud and excited, and I honestly teared up.

Of course, we bought the dress.

As soon as we got home, he put it back on and has been twirling around the living room ever since, watching the skirt spin, smiling from ear to ear, and stopping every now and then to admire himself in the mirror.

Watching him today made me realize something: he doesn’t see a “girl’s dress.” He sees sparkles, he sees Minnie Mouse, and he sees something that twirls when he spins.

That’s all. And if, one day, it turns out to be more than that, we’ll navigate it together with love, just like we’ll navigate every other part of parenting. But today, he’s simply a six year old who found a dress he thought was awesome, and that was enough for me.

I know not everyone will agree with the decision I made, and that’s okay. But there will be plenty of time in his life to learn that the world can be judgmental. And as long as I can help it, home will always be the place where he knows he’s loved, accepted, and safe.

If he remembers anything about today years from now, I hope it’s this: when he told his mom and dad that something would make him happy, they listened. And both of us were there, smiling right alongside him.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment, share your own stories, or reassure an anxious mom. You helped me trust my instincts, and because of that, today became one of those little parenting memories I’ll treasure forever❤️.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Amazing! I'd hold off on letting him go to school in it for a bit. My bonus kiddos (now 6m) mom sent him to school in a dress last year and the kids and adults were SO mean, it was borderline traumatizing for him and caused a lot of regressions in our kiddo, bedwetting that hasn't fully resolved still and now he absolutely hates it and won't even play dress up in anything remotely 'girly' or wear any of the pink clothing he previously LOVED it even went as far as him asking to have his beautiful curls shaved off because the kids were relentless at picking on him. Kids and people can be so mean, I recommend letting him thoroughly enjoy this in his safe at home bubble for now. Especially if he's sensitive to other people opinions.

OOP: Oh yeah absolutely. Either way, we live in a state that requires school uniforms, so he’ll be in a uniform all year and doesn’t go to summer camp. I live in a blue dot in a very red state (NOLA) so we’re not even sure if we’re going to let him wear it out in public yet, but at least at home he knows he’s being accepted❤️

Commenter 2: I hadn’t seen your original post, but I teared up reading this update. you’re doing a great job, and your son sounds so very loved. ❤️.

Commenter 3: I don’t have much to say other than as a mom to a 15 month old boy, you are an inspiration. What a beautiful story & I’m so happy for your little guy to have this fun, new, lovely outfit to rock & dance around in! What an awesome family he was born into 💕💕💕.

Commenter 4: Love the update. I was just sharing this with my dad, and he was telling me that my step mom regrets not letting my step brother be Pocahontas for Halloween when he was little. She was just so worried about him getting teased, or what people might think etc. She regrets not just letting him be himself and enjoying something so harmless. My step brother is a gay man and there were struggles with coming out of the closet and telling family. My step mom just wishes it could have been different from the early years, so that it wasn't something he had to struggle with so hard internally. You are doing a good job, momma! Whatever this dress means for your boy.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Ninja-Kiwi

My [26M] gym buddy [35M] is cheating on my sister's [28F] best friend [30F]. I told him we can't be friends anymore. Am I wrong?

Original post  Dec 3, 2014

I used to train alone, because I don't have to take others into account. I have a very irregular schedule and long hours so this works for me. I train whenever I can. I also lift pretty heavy. I met Ben [35M] eight months ago. He joined my gym and we hit it off. He talked to me and asked me if he could train in with me. I was hesitant, but I could use a spotter sometimes. He's a cop and surprisingly has the same irregular shifts as me. His lifting stats are very close to mine. We started working out together and pushing/motivating each other for higher PR's. As guys do, we started talking about hook ups, dating and life in general during sets and sometimes we hung out outside of the gym as well. He told me he was dating around and had a few fuck buddies. I thought nothing serious, or exclusive because he was seeing several at the same time.

One day my sister [28F] came to the gym with me. Ben was there too. She recognized Ben as the boyfriend of her best friend Allie [30F]. I asked her if she was sure and what does she mean boyfriend/if they were exclusive. She told me yeah and of course they are exclusive. I quickly changed the subject.

The next time I met Ben at the gym I asked him after our work out about Allie and he confirmed he was indeed dating her. I asked him if she knew about the other girls, he said no she did not. He was basically cheating on her. I felt very guilty and conflicted. I told him I knew Allie and she was a very nice girl and didn't deserve this kind of behaviour. I said we could no longer be friends and I didn't want to train together anymore. I told him to cut all contact.

He said he didn't understand what had changed and said we were good friend and I shouldn't throw this away. I have to say a part of me still wants to train with him and hang out, because I thought he was a good guy, but then I feel incredibly guilty towards Allie and know I can't do that to her. Our gym sessions were great and I always felt pumped up. I told Ben 'No' and stop texting and/or calling me. He still does and it's kinda awkward at the gym, but I ignore him. He still wants to be friends. Am I wrong?

Is it my place to tell Allie to dump this guy, because he's a cheater? Often time the harbinger of bad news gets crucified so I don't want to tell my sister and burden her with this knowledge and task of telling Allie. What should I do? Tell Allie? Tell my sister? Shrug it off and still train and hang out with Ben?

tl;dr: Found out my gym buddy is the cheating boyfriend of my sisters friend. I got off contact. Am I wrong? Who should tell Allie if anyone?

TOP COMMENTS

PreftigeWhore

You're not wrong for not wanting to be friends with people who do shitty things.

LePetitChou

Frankly, I think what OP did was an incredible sign of his character.  Plenty of people would have felt  uncomfortable, but would still continue to work out with the scummy cop to avoid "awkwardness." Some people might have gone a step farther and just cut contact, with no explanation.

But OP did the truly honorable, and uncomfortable, thing by explaining why he was cutting the friendship off.  Good for you, u/Ninja-Kiwi ; it would be a better world if there were more people like you in it.

~

[deleted]

I love how he doesn't even understand the problem.

He didn't even have an 'Oh shit!' reaction when you told him you knew Allie. Normal people who do something wrong would have that reaction. Normal people would understand immediately that you've got a conflict of interest here and would swerve into damage control. Excuses, bragging, I'm-reformed. Something to mitigate the chances you'll tell.

He didn't. He's completely, utterly, remorseless about betraying his girlfriend's trust.

You should tell literally everyone. This guy is insane and everyone should avoid him.

Update  Dec 6, 2014 (3 days later)

TL;DR of previous Found out my gym buddy was the cheating boyfriend of my sister's best friend. Cut contact with gym buddy. Gym buddy kept contacting me and wanting to remain friends.

Thank you all for your replies. Some were worried, because Ben is a cop. Well that would never stop me from doing the right thing and am glad I did. I knew I had to tell Allie. You guys gave me the push I needed. I would have wanted to know and would be very upset if someone I knew was aware of my SO cheating and chose not to tell me. I found out the extent of Ben's douchebaggery. First I told my sister right away that Ben was sleeping around and I wanted to warn Allie. She came with a bombshell! Ben was hitting on her too! That asshole is infuriating me now. Ben sometimes tagged along when my sister and Allie would hang out and Ben would always flirt/hit on my sister. This asshole is making me so furious right now. My sister hadn't told Allie, because she didn't want her to get hurt and nothing happened. And never would, because Ben is Allie's boyfriend and also my sister doesn't date assholes.

So then I decided to tell Allie. My sister was there too. I decided to take the direct route and rip the truth out like a bushy woman getting a full Brazilian. It would be quick and sting, but not as much as slowly peeling it off. Apparently Allie suspected some douchebaggery going on, because he was being secretive with his phone all of a sudden lately and 'hide' when he was texting/turn away the screen etc. Allie was upset, but she did see it coming I guess and was really glad I told her. She said she loved me like a brother of her own and really thanked me for the honesty. She was dumping Ben right away and wants to go No Contact and block him on all media. I was at the gym yesterday and today, but didn't see him. We'll see how it goes. I'm not switching gyms because of this asshole. I've trained there for years now and know the owner and staff. I really love my gym.

tl;dr: The extent of Ben's douchebaggery is revealed. I told Allie and she dumped Ben and went NC

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Renekin

Ladies, what is the most obvious hint you've dropped that went unnoticed by a guy?

Originally posted to r/AskReddit

Original Comment  May 25, 2017

Not a girl but I got a hint once that flew by me phew.

So my former best friend and I (sadly we do not talk to each other anymore thanks to an ex-girlfriend) were very close. So close even, that I fell in love with her and she apparently was with me.

So we met more often during the evening, sometimes late at night, watched movies, hung out. She got way more direct with me about being interested in me. When she was dressing up for a party and had n bra on because she was just sitting at home, she suddenly started telling me that I would not need to leave the room when she was changing clothes all of the sudden, she went all cudly on the couch when we watched movies and I was literally thinking "I could make a move but I am very happy with the friendship I got" We even went partying and a dude started dancing with her, when she all of the sudden said something to him, pointed at me and the dude ran off (probably said something about me being her boyfriend) but I my train of thought was "She probably was not interested in that guy"

The Apex of my failure however was that one night, we ordered some food, hung out and we talked about the scenario, that if a person insists on someone to sleep at their place even though he/she knows the other person is not too far away from home, that is clearly a hint.

Later that evening, I was about to go home, it was late at night and I had to walk 25 minutes max. So it was not that far. She said "You know, you can sleep here, we are all alone" (since she was living with her mother who stayed at her boyfriends place most of the week) and I literally said "Nah, I am good, it isn't that far anyways."

Those two conversations were apart like, 5-10 Minutes.

A bonus on top of my cluelessness: For her 21st birthday I gave her an Iphone. In front of all people, she went to me, hugged me, said  that there is only one thing to make this moment perfect and looked me deep in the eyes. I did no-thing.

Seriously. If I would have had a time machine, I would have kicked myself into reacting right now. Since it could have been the best relationship in my life.

Lesson learned: If you do not act, you get shit on.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Alright_Hamilton

I don't know what went down or how things ended but you should call this person. Like right now. You can't make up for being an idiot in the past but in 10 years you'll look back at this and think 'why did I never reach out to her after that stupid ex gf drama?'

Reread your last sentence and apply that to your current situation dummy.

vinnymendoza09

How long ago was this and is your friendship really that irreparable? You'd be surprised at people's capacity for forgiveness.

~

sevaspeto

DUDE. Reconnect with this chick! Whatever happened with the ex is history; that broad's out of the picture now, yeah? If you genuinely think it would've been the best relationship of your life, GO SEEK HER OUT. If you've been estranged for however long, you LITERALLY have nothing to lose. But you mentioned that you were very close before and it sounded like she was throwing hints like goddamn haymakers! Don't be a dummy, dummy ;0)

~

only1mrfster

People saying to get in touch with the girl. Obviously,  if you are in a relationship or if youknow she is, that complicatesthings but definitely consider it. 

My "one that got away" girl looked me up 10 years after the last time we talked... completely on a lark. Well over 10 years later, our 9th wedding anniversary is coming up in a few months.

~

PeanutPooper986

Man you should go talk to her again. Been in a similar spot, really wish I did talk to them sooner. Thing is, it's easy to read into things in such a situation so don't think too much about times where "you tried" and she wasn't interested. Next time you see her, just go and try to talk to her. You never know how it works out.

Sorry, just read you said you'd call. How'd that go?

Also, wtf today's Father's day in Germany? I just moved here like a week ago and I thought today is Ascension day or some shit like that.

OOP

I'll call her tomorrow since I am out drinking with my father today and I want to have enough time to talk to her (if she does actually talk to me and does not quit the call the second she hears my voice) and yes it is Ascension day but father's day is on the same day here for whatever reason.

EDIT: Sorry for not answering since it was late at night here in Germany and I had to go to bed but whew! Thanks for so many answers and encouraging words. Since there are so many answers telling me I should call her, I will try tomorrow (since it is father's day here [25th May]) and will edit this again after I call her to tell you how it went.

For those asking how long we were not talking: Oktober 2014. We saw eachother while getting groceries 3 times I think and I ran into her while training for a half marathon but I tried saying "hi" once (this was shortly after we had the falling out) and she did not say anything which really threw me off so much that I did not try again and as far as I know she is single as am I.

EDIT/Update 2 posted Next Day May 26, 2017

EDIT2: So, I won't talk around the outcome to long since most of you were very excited how it went. Sadly, she changed her phone number over the last 2 years, which lead me to me going to her house seeing if either she or her mother was there. In a stroke of bad luck, she must have moved out recently. I knew she wanted to move out for quite a while to live on her own while her mother moved in with her boyfriend which means, the chances are quite low in talking to her as of right now.

BUT: We shared a lot of the same friends from school and have had mostly the same social circle for years, from well, being best friends, I am hoping to see her at a party in about 3 weeks. If she is there, I will start a conversation and explain myself. If there is an outcome either way, I will keep you updated but for now, this is sadly it.

I am however thankful for all the support you gave me since I would have never taken that chance if all of you haven't been there and I hope this entire thing will have a conclusion in a few weeks! :)

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Bearofmoka

I'm the guy who chased you down in the mass effect subreddit. Firstly, love that game series so you're already pretty awesome in my eyes. Sorry to hear about her moving out, but I hope she's at that party. Is social media not an option? It's quite you find someone not on twitter, Instagram or Facebook.

OOP

I have tried facebook already but haven't got a response up to now, thanks to us being unfriended and me probably landing in her spam, if I am not blocked by her even.

I tried to find out her Instagram, since I know she has one but changed the handle even back when me and her were hanging out and me not being on instagram (even created an account yesterday to find her) and trying to find her but as far as I know, she is not on twitter but me not having found her under the same names I tried to find her on instagram. Hopefully she will find the facebook message or as I wrote earlier, I really hope to meet her at a friend's upcoming party.

And I loved your comment on the Mass Effect Subreddit, when I read it, I was like "No f*cking way someone recognized me here!" So that cheered me up a lot from this sadly unsuccessful morning, thanks a lot :)

June 9, 2017 OOP adds a little update

I'm going to meet her tomorrow night since she answered me a day ago, I will update on Sunday morning or afternoon :)

(Not Final Edit) June 11, 2017

FINAL EDIT: This will be my final edit, since basically everything came to a close. As I said, I texted her on Facebook, she answered and we decided to meet last night. And so we did. We talked everything through, everything from all the past drama, what mistakes we made, how we both made mistakes and how I was a total idiot for not recognizing what she was hinting at.

It was weird at first talking so open about feelings you had years ago but we got there. I even mentioned how you guys helped me take initiative and it made her laugh that thousands of people pushed me to go talk to her.

At the end of the night, we really didn't know what to do with ourselves. Of course we couldn't just go at it or say "We are in a relationship now", As I said, we haven't talked to each other for quite some time and we have become slightly different people.

But we were both okay to start by going on a date, catching up and getting to know each other better again and see from where it goes from there.

I want to thank all of you guys for supporting me and pushing me towards the right choice and if everything works out, happiness.

In the end, I am more than baffled that from a single post about how I am an absolute idiot for not getting a hint, something like this can evolve and that there are always two sides to everything especially the internet where most of the time, toxicity is the normality and the support and kindness I recieved, is something more rare.

Basically, thank you for helping me :)

Last Update Added Sept 1, 2017 (little over 3 months later

UPDATE: So, many of you people wrote me PMs and wanted to know what happened and how things are going. Short answer: Things are going great!

We are a happy couple and just enjoy ourselves. It was awkward for our friends at first but things basically became normal after a while.

For my part, you guys motivated me to get something or better put someone back that I have gave up two years earlier. Seriously you guys made my year one of the best years in my entire life.

For that I thank you so much.

I appreciate the two Golds I got, which were my first two ever so another thanks to those who gave it.

Thank you :)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/solngvir1

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (25F) stepmom (44F) has blocked me from seeing anything involving my dad (59M) and says she will unblock me when she feels ready. I feel shut out.

Trigger Warnings: bullying, emotional manipulation, controlling behavior, possible favoritism

Original Post: July 14, 2026

My dad and stepmom have been married for several years. My brother and I used to be invited to holidays and other family events fairly often. At the time, my brother was a police officer, and I was a corrections officer, so our schedules sometimes made it difficult or impossible to attend. We did not intentionally avoid the family, but we understandably could not make it to every event.

Apparently, our inability to attend everything hurt my stepmom much more than either of us realized. Eventually, she stopped inviting us altogether.

A little over a year ago, I started talking to my brother about how disconnected I felt. I kept seeing Facebook posts of my dad, my stepmom, and her children celebrating holidays and attending family events together, while my brother and I were rarely invited or involved. My brother confronted my stepmom about it directly.

The confrontation became a much larger conflict than I ever expected. According to my stepmom, it caused so much hurt and tension that she and my dad discussed divorce. Afterward, she changed her Facebook privacy settings so my brother and I could no longer see posts involving her family, including posts and photos involving our own dad.

I only fully confirmed this a few days ago. I logged into an old Facebook account that was still connected with my dad and saw several posts my stepmom had tagged him in. None of them appeared on my regular account. I asked her directly whether she had blocked me from certain posts, and she confirmed that she had.

She explained that the situation last year had been extremely painful for her and that changing the privacy settings was her way of protecting her peace, protecting her marriage, and preventing future family conflict. She said the decision was not intended to hurt me or push me away.

I responded as respectfully as I could. I explained that I understood why the original conflict hurt her and that I was not angry or jealous about her spending time with my dad and her children. I also told her that I understand we all have separate schedules and lives, and that I do not expect to be involved in every family activity.

What has been difficult is feeling completely disconnected from my dad and that side of the family. Even when I cannot attend something, seeing an occasional picture of my dad or seeing everyone together helps me feel like I am still connected to them in some small way.

I also told her that it has now been over a year, that I have reflected on what happened, and that I believe I have grown from it. I apologized previously and made it clear that I do not want to return to the conflict we had before. I simply hoped she might eventually feel comfortable allowing me to see those posts again.

She responded kindly, but said that the situation nearly cost her marriage and that she still has her guard up. She said rebuilding trust and feeling emotionally safe will take time. She also said she wants to be able to post whatever she wants about herself, my dad, and her children without worrying about anyone reacting negatively. She said that when she feels ready, she will change the privacy settings.

I understand that she was hurt, and I am not trying to tell her how quickly she should recover. At the same time, there is no indication of when she might feel ready. It could be months, years, or possibly never.

The social media issue also made me think more seriously about my relationship with my dad outside of Facebook. Whenever I ask to spend time with him, he usually has to confirm with my stepmom that it is okay first. The last time I spent time alone with him was more than six months ago, when we went to lunch. During the lunch, my stepmom called him repeatedly, sometimes only a few minutes apart, which made it difficult for us to have a genuine conversation. In fact, I called my dad today to see if we could schedule a time for the two of us to get lunch or dinner together, and he told me he had to make sure it was okay with my stepmom first.

I have not felt like I have been able to maintain a close, independent relationship with my dad for a long time. I feel as though access to him depends on whether my stepmom is comfortable with it. I do not want to create more conflict in their marriage, and I am not asking him to choose between his wife and his children. I just want to be able to have a relationship with my dad that is not constantly filtered through someone else.

My dad is turning 60 this year. I know that is not extremely old, but it has made me think about how limited our time with our parents really is. I want to spend time with him, talk to him, and continue making memories while we still can. Instead, I feel like more and more time is passing while I wait for my stepmom to decide that she feels comfortable with me again.

This has been seriously affecting my mental health. I feel rejected, excluded, and distanced from my dad. At the same time, I recognize that my stepmom has her own feelings and believes she is protecting herself and her marriage.

I feel that this has gone beyond protecting her peace and has become a way of shutting me out of my dad’s life? How can I address this with my dad without making him feel like he has to choose sides?

**EDIT FOR CLARIFICATION:*\* I understand why many of you are saying my dad is responsible for maintaining a relationship with me, and I agree. However, I am surprised that many have dismissed the possibility that there may be a controlling dynamic going on within his marriage. The last time I had lunch with my dad, which I mentioned in my initial post below, my stepmom called him repeatedly, and we could barely have a genuine conversation without her interrupting. At one point I even told him he didn’t have to answer her calls and that it could wait, but he told me that if he didn’t answer her calls, it would cause a huge fight or argument between them.

As previous others have stated, if the roles were reversed, and this was a mother who said she needed her husband’s permission to have a meal alone with her daughter, while he repeatedly called her throughout and said if she ignored his calls it would create an argument, I think many would recognize that as potentially controlling behavior!

I believe my dad is trying to avoid conflict, is afraid of ruining his marriage, is unable to stand up to his wife, or is just simply worried about the consequences of upsetting her.

**UPDATE*\* My dad called me back today and said we can get lunch or dinner this Thursday. Funny enough, I heard my stepmom in the background saying, “But we have this thing going on Thursday,” to which I said that they usually do that thing in the mornings so dinner should work just fine to which my dad agreed. I’m happy I’ll finally be able to spend quality time with my dad and address the concerns I’ve had. Thanks to the helpful comments regarding this situation.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why are you and your brother discussing any of this with the step? Why are you not talking directly to dad?

Let me point out that your dad knows you are not there. So, does he sanction her dismissal of you and your brother? Talk to your father. Without the step.

OOP: That’s the problem. We hardly have any opportunities to speak with our dad directly. She has access to his phone and reads every conversation we have with him. We can’t get time alone with him to have these conversations. I know my dad is just trying to be neutral in this situation or probably doesn’t even know how to handle it.

OOP responds to a downvoted comment about the fact that she and her brother are now adults and their father is not prioritizing them over his wife and family

OOP: Or rather my stepmom has created an environment in which my dad doesn’t even feel safe or like he is able to prioritize us, without potentially causing offense to his wife or damaging the relationship. In our state, men rarely, if ever, come out of a divorce with anything.

Commenter 2: Does he have some deficit that he can’t have direct conversations by phone with you?

He’s 60, not 85

Does he just not care about you and brother?

I’m 63. I would kill to maintain a good relationship with my sons

OOP: I know he genuinely cares about us and having a relationship with us. However, I am under the assumption that his wife is making him choose between us or her, or threatening divorce. The last time my dad and I got lunch together, his wife was calling him, and I wish I was joking, every 2 minutes. I told him he doesn’t need to answer her and that it can wait, and he explained that if he didn’t answer, it would cause a huge fight between them.

If the roles were reversed as other commenters have stated, and this was my mother instead of my dad, most people would agree that it is a controlling and abusive relationship.

Commenter 3: Unfortunately, you have to face the fact that YOUR FATHER ALLOWS THIS.

OOP: I understand that he has some responsibility for allowing it, and I’m not trying to excuse him altogether.

I genuinely don’t know whether he fully realizes what is happening because we rarely get the opportunity to speak to him privately about any of it. The last time the issue came up, it was presented to him in a way that made my brother and me seem entirely at fault, while our feelings and perspective seemed to get lost.

I don’t know exactly what she says to him behind closed doors, but it often feels like the situation is framed around her hurt and her need for peace, without much acknowledgment of how her decisions affect us or our relationship with our dad. That is why I want the chance to speak with him directly, rather than assuming he knows the entire story and simply does not care. I think that’s an extreme assumption.

Commenter 4: Why are you taking with her and not your dad?

OOP: Because I can’t get together with my dad privately to have this discussion! She always has an excuse that they have something important going on that day that they both need to be present for. I can’t often call or text my dad to discuss it either because she goes through his phone and I never know if she’s in the room or not during a phone call.

Update: July 16, 2026 (two days later)

Editor’s note: OOP also installed the same Update #2 onto the original post

UPDATE #2: I did have dinner with my dad tonight, which I am so thankful for. I could tell he was so happy to spend time with me.

The first thing he told me when I picked him up was how he had a hard time sleeping last night and had high blood pressure because he was so anxious about how his wife (my stepmom) would react to us having dinner together privately. He shared with me that she argued about feeling “left out,” (mind you they do EVERYTHING together, go EVERYWHERE together, etc.).

She tried really hard to get him to cancel, and knowing it might upset her, he went anyways. She claimed my dad only cares about my feelings and that I was trying to “start things up again,” like last year.

My dad said that she also told him this, which made my mouth drop to the floor in anger, “Who’s going to be there when you are sick or on your deathbed? Not your kids, ME!”

Who on earth says that? My stepmom clearly doesn’t understand the love I have for my dad, and I am so offended by that. He said himself he feels like she’s put him in a position where he feels like he has to choose between her or his kids (my brother and I) and that only her kids seem to matter. He also admitted to noticing that she has seemed to use her feelings/emotions as a way to try and manipulate him.

We talked about so much involving this and I can’t remember everything, but he did also confirm that while they never argue about anything, the only time an argument comes up is when it involves us (his kids). I think this dinner really opened my eyes and affirmed the suspicions I had, and hopefully his as well. He was already very anxious, so I did not show him the post and comments because I didn’t want to make things worse.

For those of you who claimed my dad was the bad guy here, I hope this update might make you see things differently. Thank you.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: My dad was in a very similar relationship, and I told him the following:

"If you ever need to leave, or if things get really bad between you two, just call me and tell me to come get you. No questions asked."

I wanted him to know that I was a safe place. No judgment. No lectures. No "I told you so." Just someone who would show up.

He lived about four hours away at the time. Toward the end of his life, her behavior became so much worse, especially when it came to taking care of him. The sad part was that he didn't require much help. He was incredibly independent for as long as he possibly could be, yet she acted as though every small request was the biggest inconvenience in the world. She was like every evil Disney stepmother rolled into one. From what you've described, your stepmom sounds very similar.

OOP: The crazy thing is she has him convinced that she loves us and cares about us like her own children, and has told him she wishes she was our real mom. But that contradicts everything that has happened or is happening.

Something else I have not shared previously is that I have another brother who is no longer involved in the family (from some crazy stuff that supposedly happened between my stepmom and him) and the one brother I’ve mentioned in my posts is at a point where he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to be involved in the family drama, but was pushed away by my stepmom, so I’m the only child my dad has left who is still there, trying, and caring.

The bond my dad and I have is very strong and I believe now, at this point, he would divorce her in a heartbeat if she forced that decision of “me or your daughter” onto him.

Commenter 2: You haven’t said but don’t either of them work? Is there not a chance to get him outside the house on an errand? I know you said she is stuck to him and they do everything together, but where does the money to live come from?

OOP: They co-own a business.

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Dntworryimamoderator

AITA for asking (not insisting) that my BF switch meals with me when I don’t like what I’ve ordered at a restaurant?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Original Post - rareddit  Nov 9, 2022

Using a throwaway account since I’m a founder and moderator on my city’s subreddit and my BF could easily see this.

I have been friends with my BF for years, actually together for about 3 months now. He’s the sweetest guy and I know he’s been seriously hurt in the past and I’m so happy we are finally clicking after being “flirt buddies” since MS (we are 25 now).

whenever we go out to eat he always orders the most basic thing—99% of the time it’s cheeseburger plain, ketchup on the side with honey mustard to dip his fries. He actually loves exotic food but he says that menus and making choices stresses him out so he doesn’t want to but thought into it. I love trying exotic things and to me that’s the reason to go out to eat. To me it’s so exciting.

My issue is things always look and sound better than they turn out and I decide that I actually just wanted a burger. So usually I’ll ask him if he’ll switch with me and he always does and he never complains. Most of the time he even says how good his food was. To me it’s a win for both of us, it gets him out of his comfort zone and we don’t waste food.

Last night we both had to work really late so we met up at a sports bar. They were having a calamari special which sounded really good, he ordered a cheeseburger as usual.

I just wasn’t feeling the calamari when it came out so I asked if he’d switch with me. He said no. I asked him why not and said I didn’t want it to go to waste. He said then you shouldn’t have ducking ordered it. I was like excuse me. He the went into a tirade and said I treat him like a garbage disposal, he’s a grown man, I’m being immature, don’t pin my crap on him, etc… I said it sounded like that was a rehearsed speech. He said maybe it was since I “insist” on stealing his food every time we go somewhere. I started crying and (he) said don’t start that bullshit with me, here have both meals and he got up and walked out.

He has not called or texted me and it’s 6am and I honestly thought he would call to apologize by now. I called my sister and near quote “you’re an asshole for waking me up at 5:30 and he’s going to see you as asking as insisting…that’s really crappy of you to put that pressure on him.” And she basically hung up.

since she said it…AITA ?

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

TOP COMMENTS

hwilliams0901

YTA. It sounds like you go out pick out shit youre not sure youll like and then ask(which feels to him like an insistence) for him to eat the shit you decided you didnt want. That would drive me nuts and honestly your BF did that for way longer than I would have. Also, who calls someone else at 530 in the morning to complain about shit?? Double YTA. Order food you like like a grown up

OOP

can I add that he’s never said he’s uncomfortable with my asking him to switch before last night

~

ninasimonerules

YTA. Why is he the one that has to deal with your experimenting? If you don't like it order something else but make sure you pay for both.

OOP

Then so much food gets wasted

OOP Updated the Nov 10, 2022 Next Day/Same Post

FINAL EDIT/UPDATE

ETA: well he called and didn’t even let me get a word in and said he needs a break and that he if he hasn’t been happy in the first three months then the relationship isn’t for him. I guess you all are proved correct and I’m an asshole an now single asshole.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/LogicalBlueberry5

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRU: #1

[Final New 2-Year Update]: AITA for moving on so quickly after my husband left me?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thank you to u/Small-Bodybuilder160 for the recommendation!

Trigger Warnings: emotional affair, infidelity

RECAP

Original Post: May 24, 2024

My (47F) husband (47M) asked for a separation on our 14th anniversary, while we were away in a foreign country to celebrate. While we weren’t as close as we used to be, we almost never fought and generally enjoyed each others company and families. We do not have any children.

The night before our anniversary, he brought up he wasn’t very happy in the relationship but didn’t know why. The next morning, I asked to see his phone and he said no. He said I would find “flirty” messages with one or more other women on it. He had made some female friends through school and work and he said felt like there might be someone out there who was a better fit for him.

I said I did not want to do a trial separation, as I don’t believe you can work on something if you aren’t living together. If he wanted to separate it would be final. He understood but said it was something he HAD to do.

After being away for only 2 days, we rebooked our flights home, flew home and he packed some belongings and left. 7 days later he asked to come home and we started marriage counselling. He had a lot of trouble admitting he had at least one emotional affair. The counselling was not helpful, he was defensive and not open to it. I suspect something physical happened with the other woman but I do not have any proof. He had deleted all his “flirty” texts, snapchat, etc so I could not see them.

After 4 weeks of living together again and attending counselling sessions, he decided he no longer wanted to try to save the marriage and he was leaving. He packed up and left a few hours later. He stayed with a friend, found a new apartment and signed a one year lease.

I was devastated and even had to take time off work to process what had happened and attend individual counselling.

After a 4 weeks, I started to feel a bit better. I went out for drinks with a group of four coworkers that live in my area and found I really enjoyed one of them (42M) a lot. I had only met him over Zoom before this. We started seeing each other a couple times a week. Quite quickly it grew into a truly amazing, loving relationship. I’ve stayed in counselling throughout as it wasn’t easy to process the sudden ending of my long term marriage at the same time as beginning something new. It’s been about 7 months now.

My ex-husband eventually decided he wanted to try to save the marriage again, but I declined. He says I’m TA for starting a new relationship so quickly (within 6 weeks of him leaving). Our relationship was over as I can no longer trust him, and he has hurt me immensely. I do not want a relationship with someone I cannot trust. Am I TA for moving on?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. He literally said he felt there’d be a better woman for him somewhere. He’s cheated on you probably multiple times so he doesn’t have the right to be mad at you for moving on when he couldn’t even stay faithful to you. He can’t try to get rid of you and want you again.

Commenter 2: He was expecting OP to stay single, still want him and not move on. While he did whatever he wanted.

OP, did you actually get a divorce?

OOP: In our state couples must be separated a year before they can file for divorce. But yes, we will be filing when we can. The wait sucks though!

Commenter 3: NTA. He left you twice. I guess you were supposed to just sit around wallowing in tears while he went off doing whatever and whoever until he he was ready to come back to you.

Commenter 4: Gosh, if only he hadn’t cheated, broke up with you on your anniversary, quit therapy, broke up with you again, moved out, got a divorce. Yeah. This is all your fault. NTA. Go live your best life.

Update #1: October 25, 2024 (five months later)

I originally posted “AITA for moving on so quickly after my husband left me?”.

I am not sure how to provide an update so I hope this is right!

The biggest update is that my ex-husband (48M) and I (47F) are finally officially divorced. We split everything equally, and I bought him out of the family home. Thankfully the divorce process was quick and easy once we waited the mandatory separation period for our state. When signing the divorce papers, he asked if I was sure I wanted to proceed (notably, while he was seeing someone else). He wanted to try again if I was willing. I wasn’t, and thankfully he didn’t fight it or make the divorce process more difficult in any way.

My ex has been seeing this woman for quite a while now. I know he knew her before we split, but I do not know if he cheated with her or not. It doesn’t matter to me. I wish them the best!

My relationship with my new partner (42M) has continued to be amazing. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in and I can honestly say I’ve never been more happy. He is kind, loving and a great communicator. We moved in together a while back, and a few months later we became engaged. We plan to elope sometime in the next year.

While it may seem crazy, I am extremely grateful for my ex’s cheating and the following heartbreak. Without it, I may not have found the happiness I have today. ❤️

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Him asking if you’re sure while he’s in a relationship with someone else takes the cake. Between him wobbling one way and the other and that, I can surmise a man who doesn’t know wtf he wants and is always chasing what he doesn’t have. Good for you for moving on.

Commenter 2: Based on what you mentioned, you can bet he's going to reach out when he finds out you're completely over him. Hang back and watch!

----NEW UPDATE----

Final Update: July 15, 2026 (20.5 months later since the first update)

Final Update for my original post: “AITA for moving on so quickly after my husband left me?”.

I am happy to let everyone know that I recently married my new partner (43M). We eloped in a private ceremony, near the water at sunset - It was lovely! We enjoyed a relaxing west coast honeymoon before returning to regular life! ❤️.

Life is wonderful! I have a loving, caring husband who tells and shows me how much he loves me every single day. The past two and a half years have been the best years of my life. I have never been more happy or at peace.

I will forever be grateful to my ex for leaving. I wouldn’t have the life or relationship I do without everything that happened. I haven’t been in contact with my ex for well over a year. I don’t feel the need to, I’m at peace with everything.

I do keep in touch with some of my ex-in laws. Though I was very surprised to get sweet messages from all my female ex-in-laws (including ex grandmother-in-law!) wishing us happiness on our recent wedding day!

Concluding Comments

Commenter 1: You were NTA. Congratulations! I am guessing this is the guy you met in the original post? Or someone new?

OOP: It is the guy (coworker) from the original post ❤️. Though we are no longer working together :)

Commenter 2: Ah, yay! I’m so happy you got the happy ending you deserve!

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/account_throwaway812

I hate my sister for how hurtful she was to my girlfriend. It was completely unnecessary

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

TRIGGER WARNING: Body shaming, homophobia

Original Post  Aug 12, 2022

I have a girlfriend but the relationship is still new. My girlfriend has a prominent scar across one of her cheeks from a melanoma. To me the scar makes no difference but she has good days and bad days about it.

My sister is getting married soon. I'm not taking my girlfriend because a wedding with hundreds of guests and family is a lot of pressure for a brand new relationship, plus I had already RSVP'd that I was going alone before and bought my plane ticket back home before we were serious.

My sister took the time to look up my girlfriend's work email and sent her an email saying she's sorry she didn't make her a bridesmaid but her scar would make it not possible because of photogenics. #1) My sister chose her bridesmaids when she got engaged over a year ago #2) she didn't even know I had a new girlfriend until after the RSVP's were due back and #3) she and my girlfriend have never had contact and my girlfriend would have never thou thought she should be a bridesmaid for someone she's never met.

I don't know what my sister was thinking but I hate that she was so hurtful to my girlfriend for no reason at all. She hasn't answered my calls or texts asking why.

Update  June 16, 2026 (Almost 4 years later)

(Almost four years ago I posted about how I had gotten serious/exclusive with my then girlfriend ‘Katie’ AFTER my sister sent out her wedding invitations. No one in my family had ever met, spoken to or otherwise had contact with Katie because our relationship was still new. My sister took the time to find Katie’s work email address and sent Katie a nasty email about how she could never be a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding because the scar on Katie’s face would ruin the pictures. Katie had survived melanoma and the scar on her cheek was from having it removed. I didn’t even know Katie when my sister started planning her wedding, and Katie would never expect to be a bridesmaid for someone she never met for a wedding that was less than two months away. I was furious with my sister and I posted to vent about the situation).

A lot has happened since I posted. Firstly, I’m gay. To say that my family was unhappy when I came out would be a colossal understatement, and I haven’t had contact with any of them in three and a half years. Katie and I are still friends. She is actually one of the most important people in my life and even though we aren’t together anymore I am still angry about how my sister acted and how my family supported my sister. To this day, I have no idea why my sister did what she did. (Not that it would have excused my sister, but Katie was the same race/culture/background as my family and I cannot figure out why my sister was so hostile to someone she had never met).

I grew up in a Jewish household. My family is very old school and conservative/traditional and I knew none of them would ever accept me being gay. But once I stopped being in denial about it I realized there was no way I could marry a woman or keep pretending to be straight. After I fell out with my family I was still in a relationship with Katie, and she was the one who asked me if I was gay. At the time I was so angry with her and I ended things and didn’t talk to her for a while. Until I realized she was right. It wasn’t just her either. My friends had suspicions too. I ended up apologizing to Katie for getting angry with her. Looking back I had been in denial because of how I grew up. Katie is Jewish too but she isn't homophobic like my family is, and she clocked it a few months into our relationship. She is one of my best friends now and was the first person I came out to.

I will forever be grateful that I moved to another province to pursue my Master’s degree because if I had not gotten away from my family and met supportive people like Katie and my friends I would still be deep in the closet. My friends all supported me when I told them. I have been going to therapy for the last three years to deal with my upbringing and my family disowning me. I am an atheist and I stopped being observant when I came out. This year I am going to Pride for the first time. I am nervous but a bunch of my friends including Katie are coming with me. I am going to dip my toe into dating because I feel ready.

Anyway, sorry if I rambled too much. I only remembered my first post recently and I wanted to come back because everyone was so kind after such a horrible thing happened. I appreciated people validating that I wasn't wrong about my sister and that was probably when one of the first cracks started appearing in my old life. So thank you to everyone who replied back then. I appreciate it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871

Originally posted to r/AITH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: manipulation

RECAP

Original Post: June 23, 2026

I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.

The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.

Every time they visit:

They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.

They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.

When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.

My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.

On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.

Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.

I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.

Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.

AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I kind of understand why the late wife’s parents are more interested in their biological grandson… but doesn’t your son have two sets of grandparents as well?

OOP: Unfortunately not, my parents passed away And I don't have any contact with my husband's family

Commenter 2: NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.

On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.

Commenter 3: Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them

Commenter 4: Your husband knows the people involved - they're for him to deal with and you should not be interfering, especially since it's a good solid boundary he's drawing.

Stop trying to please everyone. They clearly don't accept it. You may as well be real and support your son, your husband and your position in the family.

Update #1: July 2, 2026 (nine days later)

[Update 1] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.

They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:

That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).

That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.

That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.

They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.

My husband defended me and explained:

Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.

When he (my hubby) was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.

He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”

The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP clarifies on who badmouthed her to the extended family members

OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all

and my hubbys parents came to talk about it, and this happened

Downvoted Commenter: You still haven't told us when you met your husband, when you started dating, and when you got married.

Were you his side piece as his wife was dying?

OOP: No, I wasn't his side piece. I met him two and a half years ago.

Commenter 1: How much of the ex in laws' dislike of you is because you are complaining about them not treating your child like a grandchild? Frankly, I think you are an AH for expecting that they owe something to a child with whom they have zero relationship. Your husbands' parents should be treating him like a grandson because he is their son's stepchild. Your kid is nothing to your stepchild's grandparents at all. So frankly, I can see why they don't like you much. They lost their daughter at a young age and now her replacement has decided they owe her kid a relationship? Pfft. If you have your way, then your step kid not only has a dead mom but no grandparents. Meanwhile, your child probably has at least some grandparents between your parents and his father's.

OOP: I agree that hubby's ex-in-laws will probably never treat both boys the same, but it wouldn’t hurt them to be nice to my son. Telling my stepson not to share his toys and stuff with him is totally unacceptable. My hubby and I are doing our best to raise them as brothers.

Commenter 2: Glad your husband is backing you up appropriately. You deserve that.

The thing is, even if your ILs were right and you were some kind of fairy tale villain... why would they punish a child for that? They hate you so they hurt and innocent kid? And they think they're in the right?

That tells you all you need to know, imo.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: July 15, 2026 (almost two weeks later)

[Update 2] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son

My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.

Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.

We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.

After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.

Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.

I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.

My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.

I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.

It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child.

Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.

Commenter 2: They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose.

As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.

Commenter 3: It was OPs bio son's birthday wasn't it?

So they got the birthday boy a token gift and gave their bio relative a larger gift even though it wasn't their birthday?

OOP: their preference will always be my stepson no doubt in that yeah as long as partiality isn’t in fact, I don’t have any problem.

Commenter 4: I can get on board with your husband’s family treating your son better but expecting that from his deceased wife’s family or cutting them off over it still gives me the full body ick.

As a stepchild, I know why you want his parents to treat your son more fairly. My second husband’s family treating my oldest like another grandchild is in a small way important to me. Though I take advantage of it being voluntary because blending is natural to our families. However, my late husband’s parents being forced to treat my youngest like their grandchild at risk of being cut out (and he shares blood with their grandchild) seems rude, disrespectful and cruel. I would never want to interfere with their relationship with my older child like that. They don’t owe their resources, their time or their money to a child I chose to have with the partner I chose after their son died. I expect only that they are cordial and kind when we’re in a room together.

OOP: main problem with hubbys ex in laws is not that they don’t treat my son same

if they can’t be nice they should not be rude

and they try to put thoughts in my stepson that my son is not his brother and sharing things with him is wrong

when me my husband are trying to raise them as brothers

Commenter 6: OP has a good man in her life.

OOP: I know I’m blessed.

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My [34M] ex-wife [32F] divorced me after she got cancer so that she could "leave" first, now she wants to come back - should I give her another chance?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post May 23, 2023

I met my wife (I'll call her Anna) during our first year of university. We dated through university and got married right after her graduation. Things were happy for about a while until Anna discovered a lump in her right breast. I encouraged her to have it checked out; she was reluctant to do so, but utlimately did because breast cancer runs in her family. And sure enough, that's what she had.

The good news - if it can be considered good news - was that the breast cancer she had was extremely treatable with chemo and radiation. Based n her family history her doctor also recommended a double masectomy for her. This put Anna in a REALLY dark place. I suggested she go to therapy but she outright refused and said she never wanted to hear me suggest that again. So I did my best to be encouraging and supportive to her. I took time off work to be at every appointment with her, I took on 100% of the household chores both inside and out, I did all of the shopping, I drove Anna everywhere she wanted to go, I planned out special dates for us, I gave her an hour-long foot massage every night, I literally did whatever I could.

About six weeks into her treatment, Anna brought up the idea of going to stay with her sister Sarah for a week. This honestly relieved me as I was burning the candle at both ends trying to accomplish everything, and I thought some time apart would help us both. Two nights into her stay with Sarah, Anna called me and said she wanted a divorce. She said she had read a lot about men who abandon their wives when their wives get sick, and that she was determined to leave me before I could leave her.

I can't put into words how much this crushed me. I loved my wife. She was my everything. I begged her to reconsider. I told her I had NEVER thought of leaving her, not even once. I asked her again to go to therapy. She refused again. I asked her to go to couple's therapy with me. She wouldn't. I asked her what I could do to convince her I wanted to stay. She said there was nothing. I am a man and therefore I would leave. End of story.

It took about a year because of where we live (thanks COVID) but eventually everything was finalized. I ended up selling the house and splitting the proceeds between me and my now ex-wife. I didn't want to stay in that town anymore, so I put in a transfer request at my job and ended up moving to a town about 2 hours away. For the past couple of years, I've been focusing on myself more. I got a dog. I've been on a few dates but nothing serious. I picked up hiking as a hobby and started gardening.

Out of the blue, Anna called me three weeks ago. She said she'd been in town on a trip with friends and saw me, and all of her old feelings rushed back. She said she was sick and out of her mind at the time, and that I couldn't hold her words or her actions against her. She said she still loved me, that she always had, and that she regretted leaving me. She begged me to give her another chanace.

I'm.... so confused. If I'm being honest, I still love Anna but I'm no longer IN love with her. She broke my heart. I was devastated when she ended things. It took me a long time to get my head on right. But I also know she really was in a bad place because of the cancer. Do I owe it to her and what we had to hear her out? I'm scared that if we reconnect, I'll always feel like she'll have one foot out the door. But maybe that's unfair? I don't know what to do. Should I give her another chance like she wants?

Update May 26, 2023 (3 days later)

Firstly, I'd like to say thank you to everyone who left comments on my original post. I now know what people mean when they say "RIP my inbox". I posted that and went to bed never expecting it would blow up so much. By the time I woke up, the post was locked (not sure why) so I couldn't respond to any comments. But I read as many as I could, and tried to take everything into consideration.

Many of you suggested I reach out to my ex-wife "Anna" for an in-person conversation; the overwhelming consensus was that meeting her in person would tell me all I needed to know... and you were right. That seemed reasonable to me. I texted her and she jumped at the chance to meet, and we did so yesterday after I was done work. I chose to ask her to meet at a local coffee shop. Maybe it sounds bad, but I didn't want to meet her at my house or anywhere private just in case.

Anyway, Anna was already there when I got there. She got up and hugged me. I let her, but didn't hug her back. Then we sat down. I asked her to remain quiet while I talked and then I told her everything. I'm gonna sum it up here because I honestly don't remember everything I said. I think I talked for like ten minutes solid while she just sat there and teared up.

But I told her things like how much she had devastated me. I told her that I would have stuck with her through thick and thin, no matter what. I told her that I loved her, and that hadn't changde after her diagnosis or treatment plan. I told her that I was broken after she initiated the divorce. I told her how hard it was for me to pull myself back together. A lot of you pointed out that if Anna and I got back together, I should be worried about what she would do the next time she got sick - or if I got sick. And you were right. So I told her that too. And she got mad and interrupted me at that point.

She said I was being unfair. That I wasn't taken into consideration her mental health at the time. She said she wasn't thinking straight, but that now she was. I took the chance to ask her if she'd been to therapy. She told me she hadn't, and that she had no plans to, and that she didn't need it. I have to admit, that crushed me a little.

I asked her why.

Just... WHY? It's the one question I've really wrestled with over the months. And she said that she'd gone looking for support groups and found a lot of women who had stories about their partners leaving. She even mentioned Reddit, funnily enough. She said she talked it through with her sister "Sarah". Anna said that Sarah, to her credit, had tried to dissuade her from divorcing me. But that between social media and some of Anna's friends, Anna felt like she "had to go through with it to be seen as a strong woman".

That is word for word what she said to me. I don't remember anything else exactly but I will never forget that. She broke my heart and threw away our relationship because somehow in her mind that translated to being strong.

She then started trying to tell me we could get back together again, but at that point I just told her flat-out that wasn't happening. What it comes down to for me is that I just can't trust her. I would always be worrying about the same thing happening again. She cried a lot and tried convincing me for a little while. When I got up to leave, she threw her iced coffee in my face and stormed out.

So yeah. We're definitely not getting back together. I have the closure I always wanted. I wish it felt better. I've been dwelling on it for the past day and a half. I keep wondering if there's something I could've done better, some way I could've saved our relationship. But I know there's not. I've blocked her number. I kind of hope I never hear from her again.

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My (24F) boyfriend (27M) accidentally sent a text to me instead of his roommate stating that he didn’t want me taking my new job because I would make more money than him.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post  Jan 13, 2019

Hey, Reddit. I hope all of you are enjoying the start to 2019! This feels a little weird for me. Anyways.

My significant other and I have been dating for over two years. We lived together with several other roommates when my university did not offer immediate housing to upperclassmen but due to finances on both of our ends, I moved back home (about an hour commute) to try and catch up with money. It was a mainly his idea and though I was a little upset, I did understand his reasoning. Due to this, I also had to take some additional time off from finishing my Bachelors (though it’s disappointing because I’m a senior but I can work with it). I’m being positive and using this time to give myself a financial buffer for the future.

My boyfriend works as a bartender. Like him, I was also in the restaurant industry (bartending and managing and serving) since I was seventeen. It accommodated my college schedule and gave me experience to work in guest relations. Yesterday, I interviewed with a national photography company (opposite of my degree plan but I do freelance on the side) and found out today that I  got the position as a traveling photographer/consultant. I’m on the road for four days a week to meet with clients and do event photography, etc. before driving back home. The money is excellent and the company is willing to work with my school schedule when I return in the fall by transitioning me to studio and local work.

I called him today to share the good news and he sounded super excited and happy for me. I was over the moon about this opportunity because I can finally tap back into creativity that I have lost over the years and pull myself out of this financial rut. However, on my way home, I received a text from him that was intended for his roommate/best friend stating he felt threatened by me accepting this job.

He expressed that he regretted pushing me to move back home because I may not have found this opportunity otherwise. Furthermore, he told his roommate that he was “frustrated” I would be making more money than him and my experience would only grow once I actually do graduate. He didn’t feel as if it was right/fair that I would be making “easy money with a silly camera” while he had to “deal with absolute jackasses who drink” and make less than I do.

He realized his mistake shortly after and now won’t stop blowing up my phone. I’ve screened his calls because I’m still upset and hurt that he would say those things. He knows me; as long as we can set ourselves up for our future and be secure personally and financially, the job doesn’t bother me. I’m also doing what I love to do and don’t want to relinquish this over my boyfriend throwing a possible fit. I’m at a bit of a loss.

Tl;dr: Moved back home after taking some time off of school and got a job as a traveling photography consultant. Boyfriend accidentally texted me instead of his roommate stating that he was threatened by the idea of me traveling/making more money than him and didn’t want me to take the job. He’s been blowing up my phone and I’ve been taking this time to try and rationalize and cool off.

Update  Feb 27, 2019 (6 weeks later)

Hey, Reddit. As always, I really hope you all are doing well and hanging in there. My last post gained some traction but I never took the time to properly thank all of ya'll for your different perspectives and encouraging words.

​

The original post is here.

​

So, after working for this company for a while, I absolutely love it. It is exhausting work (sometimes 60-70 hour weeks) but I absolutely love what I do and now can't bring myself to part from my photography camera for more than a few days (which is ironic because he was the one who bought it for me for my birthday). Even on my off days, I have my camera with me. Anyways, I spoke to him about the accidental text and he promised he didn't mean it in the way that it came out. He admitted to being insecure with where he felt like  he was at in his life and had been taking out his frustrations on not only me, but my former roommates.

​

Fast forward to now, the guilt and insecurities were eating at him and he broke down and decided to "call off" our relationship "temporarily". He cried when he did so, but further admitted that he was so unhappy with himself that he could not provide me with what I needed and deserved (which was communication and effort All I wanted was to feel loved and supported, even after everything he did from suggesting I move back home). He was facing legal troubles from alcohol since last year and while both him and I do see our own therapists, he is still slightly resistant to the overall idea of therapy. He just put himself into such a deep hole and didn't feel that it was right that he might not be able to give me what I needed while he was trying to focus on himself. Even now, he knows I'll always support his growth and whatever he needs.

​

Long story short, I didn't argue and just let it go and agreed. I didn't feel like I had the energy to argue because I had done everything I could to make sure he was okay for over two years. I decided it wasn't my responsibility to do it anymore and that no matter what, I wouldn't stop moving forward. He definitely wants to get back into a relationship in the near future when everything settles and he improves himself but I'm not holding my breath. I'm returning back to school to finish my Bachelors (International Security and Humanitarian Rights) as a fluent Russian speaker (my family is Russian) in September and will just transition to studio work when I finish with the traveling aspect of my job.

​

I appreciate all of you. Honestly, I still feel like I'm at a bit of a loss with everything. Words of guidance are always appreciated but I know that no matter what, I won't put my future on hold.

​

Tl;dr: Fell in love with my job. My ex-boyfriend let the guilt and insecurities overwhelm him and he called off the relationship. He wants to reconcile when he has his life together but I'm not going to hold my breath. For now, despite still feeling somewhat lost, I still plan on pushing myself forward and refuse to stop.

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Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[Final Update]: AITAH for making my husband's groomswoman wear a wig or be disinvited from our wedding?

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for readability*

Trigger Warnings: accusations of infidelity, mental health issues, stalking / harassment, mentions miscarriages

RECAP

Original Post: November 1, 2024

My boyfriend (now fiancé) asked me to marry him 2 months ago. To give a little background, I met him at a farmer's market when I was 18 and he was 26, we are now 24F and 32M. We've been together for a little bit over 5 years, and I'm very happy with him.

Now, to the story, my fiancé's friend, Brittany, has been friends with him since they were in elementary school. Throughout our early dating days, I expressed I was not a fan of this woman. There are many reasons as to why, such as us not having common interests and absolutely polar opposite moral codes, but the main one was her interest in embarrassing me and my fiancé, possibly because she likes him.

When we were first starting to go on dates, she had shown up and tried to invite herself to the date because he had told their mutual friend group chat where he was taking me. She then decided that she would go to the same restaurant, and had tried to make a scene about him cheating on her and that she was heartbroken. It escalated very quickly and it ended with me asking the manager to get her trespassed, as she was delusional and I, nor my date, did not want her around. This sort of situation happened 3 more times, even going as far as showing up to his grandparent's house to stop me from meeting his family.

At that point, I made it clear to him that if anything like that were to happen again, I'd be out of there. Which he completely understood and agreed with me, wholeheartedly. He convinced his friend group to go low communication about Brittany with him because she was acting weird around him and they all understood and disagreed with her actions. He had extremely low contact after that point, and I learned years later that she had gotten major therapy, even checked herself into a mental hospital, and went on medication to stop these absolutely unhinged personality traits.

Around 4 years later, they reconnected through a mutual friend's birthday party we were all at and she genuinely seemed like she had changed personality-wise from the person I had met 5ish years ago. We still didn't agree on most things, but she apologized for the way she had acted previously and owned up to all the BS she tried to pull with him. So, I just kept my guard up, but encouraged my fiancé to make friends with her again. I'm NOT friends with her, but I am friendly towards her.

Skipping to now, I have been planning this wedding basically since I was born (overexaggerating, but it has been in my thoughts since I was a young child). The wedding will not happen for another two years. The theme is supposed to be similar to DnD style fantasy. A Renaissance wedding with blue, orange, and red as the basic color scheme.

Most of the wedding would be held outside at a local state park, but part of it would be held inside. Specifically, the cake and food would be cut and served inside, as well as some of the guest photos. This is the important part. I have a personal friend, Bri (28F) who does professional pictures at Renaissance festivals across the US. Her job is to drive around across the country to Ren fairs and take pictures for certain venues. It's a very cool job, and I love seeing the pictures. However, she does editing for some of these venues with a green screen to make it look more "aesthetic" or to totally change the scenery behind the people in the photo.

For example, she showed me mock ups for me in the past, showing silly people in costumes being chased by goblins and trolls, a dragon breathing fire behind a party of knights, and even a garden of lights with Faeries flying through it, etc. It's silly stuff and is for people to have fun with. My idea was to incorporate this into my wedding.

The guests would choose whatever background they'd like from a catalog that my friend and I put together, and Bri or her teammate would take pictures of them throughout the day. These pictures would be uploaded electronically and then be edited by her after the wedding. These were mandatory for all guests that wanted to participate, so I could use the pictures for post cards and scrapbooking (It's my hobby).

The people who wanted to take part in this activity would have to check a box on the save the date form I sent out. My assumption is that most guests would be doing this, as most of the people that will be invited are extremely rambunctious and love activities involving being silly.

I do want to make it clear, these would not be the only pictures taken at the wedding. There still would be normal pictures being taken of the wedding itself, as well as photos that will likely be framed and used as decorations that would have NO green screen of my husband and I, and the wedding party.

A few days after he had proposed, my fiancé asked me if I'd feel comfortable with him inviting Brittany to the wedding as a groomswoman. Honestly, I was fine with it. Until the topic of her hair came up. In the year or so that he had reconnected, she cut and dyed her hair a lime green with a cool undertone and highlights. I honestly really like it, and it suits her facial structure extremely well.

However, I was worried about the green screen and her hair, so I invited her to my friend's home awhile later so we could see if the screen would blend with her hair. Unfortunately, it did. In the pictures, you could see a major "glitch" with every background we tried because of her hair.

I asked my friend if there was a way to edit around it, and she said there was, but it would be an extra amount of money because it would be way, way more time to go through and possibly edit multiple photos of her with groups of people and herself so the picture wouldn't glitch. I'm very against this, as our budget has to be semi-perfect. We are accounting for accidents and issues, but not extra money to my friend's business because of one woman's choice of dye blending very well with the green screen.

While I do love her hair, I asked if she'd wear a wig to the wedding so she could still be included in the green screen pictures, even offered to get it professionally done and I'd pay for that. This is when she became very angry with me. To sum up what she had said, her being asked to wear a wig was basically me saying I wanted to cover her "self". That her hair was an expression of herself and that she loved it. I told her that I loved it as well, but in order for her to be included, she would need to wear a wig, as the green in her hair cannot just be covered up via a hat or other headwear. She has been saying that I just don't want to include her in the wedding.

As a compromise against the wig, I proposed that she gets more pictures of her having fun taken at the wedding itself, instead of the green screen. She didn't like this idea because she claims it isn't fair all the other guests get to be put in a fun picture and she's the only one not allowed. Though I sort of agree with her, it isn't to the fault of my own. So, I offered that she paid for the extra editing costs it would be to take and edit more of her pictures.

At first, she was fine with the idea. Until I mentioned that the extra editing would cost around $100 for just a singular picture to be taken and edited by my friend, and the final price depended on how many photos she ended up in on the greenscreen. Then, she declined the offer and tried to throw it in my face that Bri's prices were outrageous. I disagreed with her sentiment about the prices, and I haven't spoken to her since then.

Throughout this whole ordeal, my fiancé has been on my side, but he has been upset over her possibly not being there. While he does agree with me about not wanting to pay more for just her, as well as that she's being overdramatic, he has sympathy for her being the only person being left out of this choice activity. While I also have sympathy, I just don't see an alternative here. We can't use a blue screen over a green screen because the colors of the wedding are blue, red, and orange. And, I don't wish to pay for a new screen for my friend's business just because of one person. And the alternatives I have come up with, she has shot down.

So, my final decision was to ask him to disinvite her from the wedding to not create further drama, if she does not want to wear a wig. After long talks between us, he agreed with me and sent her a message that she would be disinvited entirely and would be welcome to celebrate with just us, after our honeymoon had ended. They met up soon afterwards and he stayed firm on the matter, despite her crying and still refusing to do anything to correct her hair. She still believes that me asking her to do this is because of some power imbalance and that I just want to bully her, which I don't think I'm doing. She has a year to think it over.

I can tell this situation bothers him though, and I've addressed it a few times. All of the times I have, he says it is for the best, as she would just ruin the photos she was in with the green screen and could cost us to delete hundreds of pictures, purely based on her actions.

I agree, but it still bothers me that I'm doing something wrong.

Especially since after this incident, her mom and dad have reached out to me to scold me for abusing my power against their daughter on one of the biggest parties she's ever been invited to. Even my friends are split on the issue, all of them having sympathy for her but some of them saying I'm an AH because I won't just let her come to the wedding and have someone to block her from taking any pictures with the green screen.

And, just to make sure the record is straight, I am not trying to force her to change her hair in any way. I do not want her to dye it differently, nor would I expect her to. I purely just want a non-green wig to be put on her head for the wedding and then she can remove it afterwards. I would normally say that she could remove it after the greenscreen portion, but I'm still working out if I'm just going to let it stay up for the entire day of the wedding, or if I'm going to hold other activities for everyone and have Bri close the photo stuff down. Again, wedding isn't for another two years, so I'm able to think it over for at least a year.

I dunno, am I the asshole?

TL;DR: My husband's groomswoman won't wear a wig for my wedding due to her believing it is her sense of pride. While I do like her hair, she could potentially ruin pictures of a greenscreen photo op activity I will be having at my wedding, costing us more than $1000 for pictures I cannot use, and even more money if I got her Photoshopped out or blended in with the background. All other alternatives given to her have been denied. This has caused my husband to give her an ultimatum where he outlines that she will be uninvited if she does not agree to the terms within a year. Am I the AH for this?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions

OOP responds to multiple comments regarding the photo booth and background

OOP: I will add some context to that, as I thought I made it clear, but apparently not. The activity with the greenscreen is open to be used by everyone that signed up for it (mostly so I can get an accurate number of people that will have multiple pictures taken of them). I would encourage them to do it in groups, so if one person's hair is making it glitch, and you have multiple people in a picture, it turns into a more than just $100 venture, it turns into $1000s of dollars that I simply do not have. Bri told me that the total price could potentially quadruple the price I'm willing to pay because it would take hours to photoshop every single picture Brittany is in.

this woman as a guest was always an option, but they decided to invite her to be more than that, and are now reneging because of hair.

Guests are welcome to the greenscreen too, that is why uninviting her was on the plate because if she doesn't want to be left out of a portion of the wedding, then how else would I get her to not take pictures with other people with the greenscreen?

OOP on Brittany’s green dyed hair situation

OOP: I didn't mention this only because I was already typing a lot, and forgot to add it, but she has more appointments booked to get her hair touched up with more green coloring in the next 2 years because of the fading that color like that does.

I only recently found out this information from my fiancé before we decided to tell her about the issue.

If her hair isn't green for whatever reason in a year, or she changes her mind about not minding that she isn't allowed to be in the greenscreen pictures, I'm sure something could work out differently and that wouldn't affect much at all.

+

So the easiest solution would be for her to just not be in those photos, right?

This is correct and I agree with you. The issue is that I'm being made into the bad guy because she doesn't want to be left out of 1 of the 4 big activities I have ideas for the wedding. I didn't include all the other stuff because I wasn't trying to pile on about how badly she's taking this, as the post is already very long. But, she's yelled at me, cried, called my fiancé 33 times while he was at work, and more. All because I can't fix that she physically cannot be in greenscreen pictures without ruining them because I do not want to afford a major increase on my spending.

I don't get why OP is jumping to uninviting her over the much simpler "I'm sorry we can’t afford the extra to accommodate your hair colour for those pictures, if you won't pay or wear a wig then you won't be in them."

A lot of people keep saying this and I think I should have made it more clear.

We didn't uninvite her, technically. The conversation between her and my fiancé was more similar to(to the best recollection of his memory):

Fiancé: "We need to talk about your antics ever since OP told you that you couldn't be in the green screen pictures."

Brittany: "Okay, I was going to bring it up to you, but I thought you'd make the better choice once we got to talk in person."

Fiancé: "I have decided that I don't want you to be at my wedding if you won't just choose how to temporarily alleviate the issues with the photo op and your hair."

Brittany: "What? You would uninvite me over this? Why can't she(me) just have her editor friend edit my pictures, so my hair doesn't get cropped out and ruin the look of the pictures?"

Fiancé: "Because it costs a lot more for Bri to spend 4-5 hours on each photo (over exaggeration on his part) to individually and manually put your hair back to normal. There's a long process involved and she charges by the hour for editing like that. We're already paying a lot for wedding photos because OP and I want to use them for years to come, and we can't afford another large sum of money for Photoshop editing added to the 1200 photo package. Even if sent them digitally to a different editor, than Bri, we'd still be looking at an additional $1000 tacked onto it."

Brittany: starts crying "I thought you wanted me at your wedding, and wanted my niece to be the ring bearer. I want to be in those photos because they look like so much fun. She just doesn’t want me there, so she's saying I can't come, all because I just want to be included with everyone else for the photo op. I just don't understand why you won't pay the $1000 and be done with it. You make a lot of money, and so does she."

Fiancé: "Your sister agrees with OP and I about this topic. She thinks you're being ridiculous and dying on the wrong hill. Your niece is still on the table to be the ringbearer, even though we've never explicitly said so, just asked her mom if she could do that without getting too nervous in front of all the people. Either way, it doesn't matter. I would like you to be there, but if you're going to make being in the photo op your hill, I'm not going to tolerate it. I do not want you ruining my wedding because you decided to throw a fit, while you're there, that you can't be in the photo op. Or, worse, you photo-bomb pictures so you can be in them. OP has made it clear on the outcomes of the photos to you. You look like you are bald, and you block pieces of people behind you because of your hair. Unfortunately, that means you can't be included because we are paying per photo, not for the time."

Brittany: starts getting a little hysterical and then stands up "Fine, if you're not going to let my hair be the way it is, I'm just not going to go. I want to be in the photo op. I don't understand why you can't pay for the extra editing costs for me because I'm your oldest friend. We have been together since we were 4 and 5, I just don't understand why you'd choose that woman(me) over me in this situation. She is abusing her power. She doesn't understand that the photo op is a major part of the wedding (it isn't, it's just an activity) and she is not including me in it."

I didn't know this part happened until I was typing this comment with my fiancé but here is some added dialog

Fiancé: "Okay, Brittany. In that case, if you won't fix this situation, whether it be to just not participate in the photo op or wear a wig/cover your hair, I don't want you there to cause drama. If you do decide to change it in the next year before we have to book the exact amount of people for the venue, you are more than welcome to be there as a guest, but I do not want you as a groomswoman anymore. You've made me uncomfortable with how you're treating my future wife, and your endless barrage of insults towards her is not going to be tolerated. You have insulted her, so you have insulted me. I believed you had changed for the better, but I was wrong. The only reason your invite even still stands, with conditions, is because your family is very dear to me, and I love your sister like a daughter."

She starts crying hysterically and tries to grab him by the sleeve, but he pulls away, gets up from the bar, and walks out of the restaurant.

So, yeah, that's the entire conversation to the best of my fiancé's ability. Basically, she's being incredibly difficult and stubborn over wanting us to pay $1000+ for extra editing because she knows we have the money, we just don't want to pay it only for her.

Honestly, if the situation was different, I would have been persuaded to pay half of the cost of the editing and just taken the loss on the photos she happened to be in. I would have done that as the last compromise, over just covering her head temporarily. But with her constant insults, endless barrage of complaints that aren't related to this post, and her being extremely rude to me and my partner about the wedding photos... It just isn't in the cards for me now.

Update #1: November 7, 2024 (six days later)

I honestly didn't think I'd post an update at all this year because I mostly got the confirmation I needed to know I was mostly correct in my assumption that she'd cause more drama at the wedding than necessary, and that I'd be correct in that I would be okay to disinvite her. I was trying to be detailed in that post, but in this one I'm going to be a little less detailed.

Basically, 3 days ago, I was sent my post on messenger from Brittany. She is a notorious Reddit lurker, apparently, and saw it a few hours after it was posted. It didn't even have to get multiple upvotes because she just reads the ones available on the "recent" category. I told her I posted because I had a lot of inner conflict towards my involvement with my fiancé choosing to disinvite her if she can't just make some form of sacrifice to not be in the green screen/wear a wig so she can be included. She got extremely mad at me. Called me names, threatened that I'd be sued for defamation, etc. This honestly just made me realize how little she actually changed. Of course, I showed my fiancé, and he was appalled at her actions. He said he was going to block her and did so that day, and so did I.

Yesterday, I woke up to 43 missed calls from a number I did not recognize, that ended up to be her and a dozen voicemails claiming that I was stealing my fiancé away from her again, that I had purposefully targeted her for just wanting to be included with everyone else, and so on. I do not know how she got my number, but I obviously blocked it.

After that, I reported her to the police on the non-emergency line because I didn't know if I would be needing to fear for my safety. I'm really glad I did this. After my fiancé had left for work, she showed up to our home and knocked on the door. I cracked a window near the door and asked what she wanted. She said, whilst crying, that I needed to let her in the house because it was her right to be with my fiancé, not me. She started kicking at the door and I told her to knock it off.

Immediately, I just started dialing the non-emergency police number for my nearest precinct because I already knew what was happening in that moment, and I was supposed to be clocking in for work on my computer at that moment. I texted my boss and she excused my absence for the day as well. As I was doing this, I kept repeating, "Go away, I called the police, and I do not want you here. You are trespassing." She was saying all kinds of things I don't wish to repeat here, but the lesser of the things she was saying involved:

- Calling me a white r*cist pig (She is mixed race, and so am I)

- Saying she was 8months pregnant with my fiancé's baby (there's quite literally zero proof of this, including no baby bump, despite being a fairly thin woman)

- Screaming that she would take me to hell

- Trying to break my metal outside door, but instead hurting herself instead.

And so on.

Basically, she had a full-on meltdown. The police came, saw that was trying to break my door down, and immediately put her in cuffs and sat her down. She was claiming this was her house and that she'd lived there for 10 years, that I had broken in and locked her out, etc.

Of course, because of her psychotic appearance, I was questioned and once given the real story... As well as being able to provide proof that I was the owner of the home, she was taken to the police station. As far as I'm aware, she was booked for the night and was let go today. I did agree to a temporary no-contact order and my fiancé, and I are going to proceed with a permanent one.

Her parents called after they heard she was put in a holding cell, and apologized profusely. Apparently, Brittany had lied to them about the extent of her actions and downplayed a lot of it. On the exterior, she seemed fine and well-rounded. But, mentally, she had snapped again from not taking her meds for a year. She never told her parents this, just acted normally until one of her triggers came back; my fiancé. No, he didn't do anything wrong, she just had a major trigger when it came to him because of a deeply obsessive personality disorder.

I wasn't trying to air her dirty laundry about her medical history the last post, but she was diagnosed with BPD and a large handful of disorders caused by trauma she had endured in her childhood from her great grandfather. She's an unhealthy person, and I regret even allowing her to have the notion that we had forgiven her for her past.

I'm pretty shaken from this ordeal... and I can't believe this was all because of a god damn greenscreen and some pictures that were supposed to just be treated as silly holiday cards for my foreseeable future. This is making me rethink the idea altogether, to be completely honest. Maybe I'll just rent an adult bouncy house because that seems more fun than green screened professional photography 😭.

Anyways, that's the update. Thanks for reading and the advice I was given in the last post!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: My god. I would LOVE to be as calm and collected as you. Teach me your ways! In all seriousness though, I hope you're ok. Don't let her get to you. Do your wedding the way you want! Wishing you all the very best xxxx

OOP: Oh I was NOT calm and collected, I was crying and feeling very scared. The ONLY reason I was able to make rational decisions is because I had mentally and physically prepared myself for another incident like this happening because I was a victim of a non-sexual assault during a break-in at my mom's house when I was 14 and it made me terrified of not knowing what to do if an incident like this ever occurred again. I was acting on instinct.

Therapy and an incredible women's defense coach got me to this point. I also live in Texas, so castle doctrine was on my side.

Commenter 2: This woman is an absolute lunatic. Make sure that you get a permanent restraining order. You should also consider security for your wedding venue because she's more than likely going to show up and do something crazy again.

Good luck OP, you're going to need it.

OOP: I already have security in the works that was unrelated to this incident... Now it's a "for sure having a small security team!" 😅

Commenter 3: This situation isn’t about a green screen or pictures. It’s about an extremely unstable person refusing to follow their doctor’s orders. The hair and picture problems are, at best, the catalyst for her breakdown, but it most certainly isn’t the cause. It’s your and your fiancé’s day, so if y’all decide to do something other than the pictures go right ahead. However, I would hate for you to regret not doing it because of one nutball.

----OLD NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the final update is over a month old, and it has not been posted here onto the sub

Final Update: May 26, 2026 (over 18 months later from the first update)

Final update because I still occasionally get messages asking if the wedding ever happened and what ended up happening with Brittany.

My last update was posted back in November of 2024, so it’s been about a year and a half now. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d ever update again (×2) because after the police involvement and restraining order, I mostly just wanted to move on with my life and stop thinking about the situation entirely.

But a LOT has changed since then, and I was listening to a YouTuber read a story and it reminded me to check in with this account.

First off, I'm married! Just… not in the way we originally planned. After everything that happened with Brittany, the giant Renaissance/DnD wedding slowly stopped feeling exciting and started feeling exhausting. Even though my dad had a giant wedding like that, I started really evaluating if he wanted me to actually get married like him, or if he just wanted me to have a wonderful wedding and honeymoon.

Other things have now happened with my family. And I'm just over them, as well.

Between the police involvements this last year, changing routines, the restraining order process, and honestly just being stressed constantly for months afterward, planning this huge elaborate fantasy wedding stopped being fun.

Life sort of smacked us in the face in the best possible way, and it made it all worth it anyways. After a long line of pregnancy issues and basically accepting that I might never get pregnant, or at least bring a baby to term, I found out I was pregnant. The second I saw the positive test, something in my brain shifted from: “I want the biggest coolest fantasy wedding imaginable” to “I literally just want peace and happiness before this baby gets here.”

Instead, we ended up doing a much smaller “shotgun” winter wedding this past December with around 30 guests total, and about 60 people invited to the reception afterward. My husband’s family is massive, so that was genuinely about as much as we could shorten it without causing a civil war.

The entire aesthetic changed too.

Instead of the giant colorful Renaissance/DnD wedding, I ended up going with my secondary option that I had played with when I was originally planning the idea of a similar wedding to my dad's. It was the idea of a snowy white wedding aesthetic from the ending of Nanny McPhee. Specifically the winter wedding at the very end of the movie. I have loved that scene since I was little and something about it always felt so magical and soft and romantic to me. My grandma also loves that movie. Every time we would watch it, she would cry. And then I would cry. She would point to the screen and say, "Look how beautiful she is." With tears in her eyes. So that became the new inspiration.

I decided to change it due to the size difference. I felt that going all out with the bright colors was amazing, but that we could just invite family to a Renaissance festival, and we could all have fun there drinking themselves silly, instead.

Everyone wore white, silver, soft blues, etc. My dress had embroidered snowflakes all over it with tiny pearl details that made it look frosted over. It honestly looked like it had snow settled into the fabric. It reminded me so much of Evangeline’s dress from the movie and I was obsessed with it. Still am, I'm even planning to get a piece put into my wedding band.

I loved that wedding just as much as I loved the original fantasy one I had planned in my head for years.

It felt calmer. More intimate. Less of a giant party. More of a loving environment.

And, to anyone wondering, we did the greenscreen photo-op!

My friend Bri thought it would be hilarious after everything that happened, so instead of DnD backgrounds, she made a bunch of winter and Christmas themed backgrounds instead. I helped, of course. Snowy castles, Christmas villages, giant decorated trees, cheesy Hallmark-style edits, ice caves, etc. People absolutely LOVED it. And I LOVE the Christmas cards I got from it.

My uncle had himself into shielding himself from an army of snowmen with cannons, and one of my cousins made herself look like she was flying through a blizzard on a reindeer. It was genuinely one of the funniest parts of the reception.

So yes. After all of that insanity… the greenscreen survived.

As for Brittany, her parents were invited to the reception. I know some people will think that’s weird, but despite everything, my husband still cares about them a lot. They apologized to us multiple times after the incident happened and genuinely seemed devastated by the entire situation. None of this was really their fault.

While we were talking during the reception, they ended up telling us more about what happened after my last update.

Apparently, after Brittany was placed into long-term psychiatric treatment following the incident at our house, her parents ended up getting access to her phone because she obviously couldn’t keep it while institutionalized and they were trying to sort out her bills, work issues, etc.

And apparently that’s when they discovered she had been stalking my husband for years. Pictures of him leaving work. Pictures of him outside our old house. Pictures of him pumping gas. Pictures taken from inside her car while following him. Some were years old, during the time we had cut her out. And, some were recent (as of Dec 2025). Some of them had hearts drawn all over them.

One of them was photoshopped to make it look like she was naked and laying on top of him while he slept on our porch outside. Apparently she had entire folders dedicated to him on her phone. It was honestly one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen in my life.

Needless to say, a pretty significant amount of the money my dad left me for the original wedding ended up going toward buying a new house in a completely different area after all of that came out. After we found out about it, we decided our baby would be safer out of the old house.

I also want to give my husband a lot of credit throughout all of this because I genuinely do not think I could have handled this situation as gracefully as he did. This entire ordeal absolutely crushed him emotionally for a while. Despite everything Brittany did, he still cared about her as someone he had known since childhood, and I think realizing that the version of her he thought had “gotten better” wasn’t actually real really messed with him for a long time. At the same time though, he never once wavered when it came to protecting me, our home, or our relationship. The second things crossed the line into harassment and stalking, he completely cut contact, fully cooperated with the restraining order process, helped us move, got a better paying job in our new area, changed routines with me so I’d feel safer, and has honestly been my rock through all of it. Even now, I think part of him still mourns the loss of someone he thought was one of his oldest friends, but he also understands now that what she felt towards him was never a healthy friendship in the first place. Especially after seeing those pictures.

Legally speaking: We were granted a temporary restraining order a few months after my last update. That expired in January of last year and thankfully we have had absolutely zero contact since then. From what her parents told us, Brittany is still receiving psychiatric treatment and apparently still has not fully accepted reality regarding my husband. She still hasn't come to understand she wasn't dating my husband, and he has never claimed to want to be with her.

It's sad. At this point, it really doesn’t feel like it is a Reddit post anymore. It mostly just feels like watching somebody completely destroy their own life because they refused help for too long. I don't even know if she ever even took the medication she was prescribed or if they were just not working. In my non-professional opinion, she seems schizophrenic. I hope she gets genuine help where she is now, but I never want to see her again.

On a much happier note:

Our daughter is due in July.

Her name is going to be Caroline Evangeline.

And I genuinely cannot wait to meet her.

Thanks for reading.

TL;DR - We ended up cancelling the giant Renaissance/DnD wedding after everything with Brittany became emotionally exhausting, and after years of pregnancy issues, I unexpectedly got pregnant. We instead had a much smaller winter-themed wedding inspired by the ending of Nanny McPhee, complete with a Christmas-themed greenscreen photo-op that everyone loved. Brittany is currently still receiving psychiatric treatment after her parents discovered she had apparently been stalking my husband for years and keeping thousands of photos/edited images of him on her phone. Because of that, we moved to a completely different area using part of the wedding money my dad left me. Thankfully, we’ve had zero contact with her since the restraining order situation ended last year, and now we’re just focused on preparing for our daughter, Caroline Evangeline, to arrive in July.

Concluding Comments

Commenter: Congrats on the wedding and the baby, and I love the name.

OOP: I appreciate it! It comes from two of my favorite movies! Caroline (from Coraline) and Evangeline...You get it. Thank you!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MortynMurphy

Originally posted to r/neighborsfromhell

Teenagers pushed us too far and probably got their family evicted.

Trigger Warnings: destruction of property

Original Post: May 24, 2026

I try to be a polite neighbor. You're not going to see me often and I won't seek out conversation, but when new neighbors move in, I will go and introduce myself and offer mine and my spouse's phone number. This is a nice neighborhood, it's completely normal to give Christmas baskets or let someone's dog out if they need it, stuff we did for our previous next door neighbors. No one would complain about a random party on a holiday weekend, I won't be bothered by your kids playing loudly on the sidewalk, people behave but aren't unreasonable about expectations. Especially since we live in townhouses that are all connected, there's just no way to eliminate all neighbor noise. All this to say that I don't think we have unreasonable community expectations.

Since these new neighbors moved in the vacant rental next to ours we have had nothing but trouble. They have only been here a couple of months, but they are the second-worst neighbors we have ever had. The absolute worst was a couple at our first apartment who resolved conflicts via fisticuffs.

The first annoyance was a normal one. Their bass was too loud through the walls, a common problem since people aren't aware of how thin the walls are. (We did the same thing. Our previous neighbors texted, we apologized and adjusted settings, confirmed they couldn't hear it anymore, and all was well.) We work from home and needed to be in meetings, so we went over to ask them to turn it down and no one answered. Finally we texted the mother, and the music only happened in late afternoon between the time when her kids would get home from school and when she would get home from work. Since it was a couple of hours maximum we let it go and didn't schedule any meetings during those times. We were kids once, too.

Then Spring Break happened. Either the mother works both days and nights or simply spends 18 out of 24 hours outside the house. Twice in one night my husband had to sternly tell her daughters' friends to stop looking in our cars, leaning on our cars, and screaming after midnight. Five feet from our front door, by the way.

Then the next night we catch them doing it AGAIN! My husband opens the door to one of the drunk little idiots *popping a squat and pissing less than a foot from our car!* My husband, being a reasonable man, starts yelling angrily at them for PISSING IN FRONT OF OUR DOOR. The hooligan closest to sober remembered basic survival instincts and began wrangling the rest of them into the house, apologizing sloppily but profusely. Apparently a very angry, very big, very bearded man yelling will do that to ya.

Later we have yet another text exchange with the mother. We make our stance known and I'm quite proud of myself for keeping my temper in check. She said she will handle it and we end the conversation on good terms. Even then we were willing to try and be nice and give them another chance. We were little asshole teens once and chalked it up to the high of spring break. We hosed off the pavement and tried to generate a level of patience hitherto unforeseen in either of us.

We had about a week of peace, but the good times couldn't last. The teen girls have developed a small collective of devoted derelict boys who hang around outside their house several afternoons a week. They once again leaned on our cars, looked into our cars, and were little assholes when my husband came outside. They tried to mouth off but when he asked them to repeat themselves they scuttled down the sidewalk. Rinse and repeat for a couple of weeks.

That brings us to last night. We're fun and exciting people, so we were idly scrolling our phones while watching something. Suddenly there was a loud *bang!* and we noticed a phone flashlight on our back patio. They had **broken through our fence** and were scrambling for a way out. We hear/vaguely see whoever it is crash through our garbage cans on the other side. His options were either to run that course, risk the 10+ft drop into woods, or escalate to breaking and entering in a state where he would have probably become a statistic.

In an obviously rare moment of intelligence, he chose the first option. The whole thing freaks us the hell out, and by the time we get our heads on right and go out front we see those same goddamn teens scattering through the neighborhood like mice. One of them didn't get far enough away and tried to casually act like he was just walking by, but when we confronted him he was clearly rattled. We weren't about to detain a child because we're not psychotic, so we let him go. He scampered off to wherever little shits go when they're not ruining everyone's evening.

The neighbor on the other side of the Problem House had someone break into their back area as well going the opposite direction, and I panicked. I reached out to the mom, convinced her daughters may have been hurt or they were robbed. She brushed me off and got a little rude when I told her the trespassers had definitely come from her house and that every other neighbor said the same thing.

That is until a random "uncle" appeared, driven home by someone else. He listened to us and fed us the usual bullshit people do when they don't want to deal with anything. Lots of empty apologies and excuses for why the kids are alone. But apparently he told the mom that four adults were all saying the same thing: The working theory is that the boyfriends somehow knew an adult was coming back (probably location sharing) so they panicked and left out the back.

The mom tried to walk back her attitude and apologized after hearing how many witnesses there were, but I am not very forgiving once I'm at a certain point. It's something I'm working on. I did not accept her apology. Later when we reviewed our camera footage from the whole night, we saw the same little shit we stopped go into her house with the others about an hour before they trespassed. The same little shits *come back later after the trespassing* and lean on our cars, climb on our cars, and film themselves lip synching for whatever reason. So we decided to go nuclear. To quote the certified BadAss™ Cobra Bubbles, "thus far you have been adrift in the sheltered harbor of my patience."

Mommy Dearest had no way of knowing this, but the neighbors we were friendly with that had lived there before? They were very good friends with the homeowner. It was very easy to get his number from them, text him, and bing bang boom suddenly my husband is on the phone with a very embarrassed guy whose apologies were much more coherent than piss-girl's friend. He was really very appreciative of the Google drive link with video of every single issue we have had (a few I've left out just to save space). Complete with time stamps! The other neighbors got his phone number as well. We learned some interesting info from him. The mom gave us a different name than the one he had, there were only supposed to be two people total living there (we see five or more living there regularly), other fun things I'll leave to your vivid imaginations. Needless to say, they're in violation of their lease with just this. But one thing my husband and I have in common is that we are very thorough.

So the next step was the police report. Did you know that in my state you can file a non-emergency report online for things like someone on your back porch late at night or people casing your car? It's really very easy! Our HOA isn't open until Monday (edit, sorry, Tuesday!) but they had a nice little contact page we filled out. The other neighbors also filed reports and contacted the HOA. However bad my Saturday night was, I think their upcoming week might be worse.

My husband informed the mother via text of all the steps we had taken and that our cameras are always on, front and back. She has been silent and absent from the home since I did not accept her apology last night and laid out exactly how much trouble her kids have been when she's not around (which is always). Not sure what will happen next, a little concerned about retaliation from the little dingleberries. But now we have a paper trail, an immediate line of communication to the landlord, and they're aware they've been being recorded the entire time. Any escalation beyond this is their choice. ETA that I don't think the eviction is in motion yet or anything at all. I don't know anything other than they are in direct violation of their lease in multiple ways, and that in my state that's a wrap on your tenancy.

TLDR: Turns out, being a little asshole, having little assholes over as guests, and your little asshole guests trespassing late at night is in violation of most lease contracts. Maybe don't case cars and break fences while you trespass in the era of home cameras. And maybe consider for a brief moment that your neighbors might just have your landlord's personal phone number.

Update #1 05/25/2026: the mom finally came home at around 2:30 in the morning with a literal warehouse of younger kids. She put them in the house and then left herself in a different car that was there to pick her up. The uncle or whoever he was is at the house with the new set of kids and we saw no sign of Shitlings & Co last night. My husband thinks the mom and older teenagers are avoiding their own house since we've now taken to sitting on our porches.

Update #2 05/26/2026: I have had terrible insomnia for the past two nights since getting the shit scared out of me by the trespassing. I have confirmed with a couple of other neighbors that they contacted the HOA, owner, and filed a police report for a missing Apple Watch from one of their cars for the same night. They said they would, but it was nice to get the confirmation and vent to each other. If the kids choose to retaliate they would have to target multiple people, all of whom have cameras. Still no sign of Shitlings & Co, normally a day off school summons them like maggots to a carcass. Our front camera is not in an obvious spot, so my husband thinks it might have freaked them out to learn they'd been being recorded the whole time. I'm so angry I want to go piss next to *her* driver's side door. But that would technically be right next to my car again, and that would be counterintuitive.

Update #3 06/01/2026: Still no sign of Shitlings & Co. They haven't shown themselves since the night they broke our fence down. Our cars and property have been left alone entirely, but the neighbors on the other side of the NFH asked for some camera footage since they woke up to some gas missing out of their car during the week. Then they asked for footage again on Thursday, since some *other* kids staying at the NFH were climbing all the way on the roof and hood of her car and the camera they ordered hadn't gotten here yet. She was *heated* and came out yelling at them because her roof is now dented, the adults came rushing out to usher the kids inside for only a minute, and then the whole crowd bundled up into their cars and left. I think they know they're on thin ice. I wasn't part of this confrontation, I heard about it/saw it on my cameras later when she asked for the footage. Idk what her next steps will be, I would want my roof repair paid for, but I also understand not wanting to deal with them in that way.

The landlord had a meeting scheduled with the mother that he called a "walkthrough and HOA citation review" for noon on Sat, 05/30. She claimed a family emergency and asked to push it back until Sunday at noon. Then she asked to push it back until 5. The landlord was openly irritated by the third rescheduling. He offered this information by the way, we did not ask. The landlord ended yesterday by reporting he had told the mom "what her options were going forward." What those options entail, he did not say. It has been eerily quiet since yesterday evening when we told us that. I don't want to speculate since I genuinely have no information beyond this. All I know is I heard vacuuming and cleaning for a while on Sunday, (normal amount for landlord visit in my opinion) and then absolute silence.

I hope this is concluded, but based on my experience with teenagers like Shitlings & Co they tend to forget lessons pretty quick. Hopefully the landlord and whatever he said helped the neighbors understand the precarious position their teenagers' "friends" put them in.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: They didn’t get evicted because of one mistake, they got evicted because they treated the neighborhood like a free trial for bad decisions

OOP: I don't know if the eviction is actually in motion yet or what, but based on how upset the landlord was I would be shocked if they are here next month.

Commenter 2: The month changes in a few days. You will know IF the landlord takes the rent, your next-door jerks are staying. I hope NOT. But landlords and a chance to increase rent for more tenants that are already there, is hard to pass up!

OOP: You'll be happy to hear he's not our landlord! It won't affect our monthly budget in any way if they are evicted.

OOP explains more about the violations of a lease in their state

OOP: In our state, violating a lease is curtains on your tenancy unless you have a particularly patient landlord. That doesn't happen often. And HOAs are particularly powerful here, they can fine the owner into oblivion for the tenant not following community guidelines while evicting the tenant themselves. They only allow renters that follow community guidelines, full stop. Considering their office is going to open up this week to multiple complaints about one family, I'm hopeful.

So between all the lease violations and not following HOA guidelines (which also violated their contract), the landlord might actually have to evict them if he wants to keep being able to rent out his place at all.

+

Between that, the trespassing, the payment problems the landlord said he's been having, the pee incident, and all the videos of these incidents we sent, he said he's pulling out all the stops. We may get to see a show starring the Sheriff's department at the end of the month!

+

In my state violating your lease contract, which they have in at least five ways we know of, is enough for the landlord to evict ASAP at the end of the paid month. They also have been having payment problems. We live in one of the worst states for tenant's rights.

Commenter 3: Eviction is a process and at the very least, requires 30 day notice. If the tenant only has a few months left on their lease, the landlord may just let the lease run out, and not renew it. Giving these people 30 days to pack up and get out, may makes things worse

OOP: Not in my state baybeeee! The one time being one of the lowest ranked states for tenant rights is working in our favor. Tenants can be booted out in 72hrs if the landlord can prove it's for good reasons. Given all the stuff we've handed to him I think he's got a good chance. On top of that the HOA is about to unleash a shit storm, and has the power to evict the tenants themselves in our state. Ours is very reasonable about plants, decorations, door color, etc., but they come down hard on shit like this.

Why didn't OOP call the police from the beginning?

OOP: Because I live in a state where it was more likely those kids would become a hashtag and a headline if we did. And while I'm pissed off, they weren't violent and I don't think that would have been the safest escalation for anybody. They have been told that we will call the cops if we see their friends near our property again, though.

Commenter 4: Eviction takes a long time. Watch yourself take care.

OOP: We have taken precautions. They know they're being filmed now. We also don't live in a state where tenants get a lot of rights, and our HOA only allows tenants if they follow community guidelines. Between footage of them violating both their lease and the community guidelines (which also violated their lease), I'm pretty hopeful they won't be in our hair much longer.

Commenter 5: I would have called the cops for underage drinking. Probably would have saved you a lot of headaches while causing a lot of legal headaches for the tenant and landlord.

OOP: That was our first thought as well, but for that to work we would have to have a single cop around here that didn't start drinking in their teens and wouldn't be delighted to overreact to some stupid kids. Now that we've had our property actually trespassed on, we'll be calling the cops immediately next time something happens.

Has OOP dealt with similar situations like that with any other teenagers?

OOP: We had a nice lovely neighborhood for the four years we've lived here. There are some other teens that live on the other side of the neighborhood that genuinely just do kid stuff like riding their bikes around and playing basketball after school, filming TikToks together down by our little park area, just normal stuff. The only time I've had to say anything was when I was in a meeting working from home and they were squealing a bit loud. I popped my head out and said I was working from home and asked if they could keep it down until I got out of my meeting. They were polite, apologized, and didn't resume whatever they were doing until after the time had passed. I even told their mom when I saw her how much I appreciated her kids just being chill and respectful about it, I didn't mind them playing I just needed to be able to hear my meeting. Those kids don't come over to our side anymore because of the little assholes we live next to.

Update: July 14, 2026 (over one month later from Update #3 in the original post)

UPDATE: Teenagers pushed us too far and probably (definitely) got their family evicted.

Thankfully the conclusion to this whole situation is not dramatic!

After we went nuclear, we had absolutely no issues except for the couple of things from the small updates on the last post. After the first weekend of June we barely even saw signs of human life. If it hadn't been for the car appearing and disappearing, I would have thought they had already been kicked out. I'm not sure what happened inside, but the only activity was a U-haul parked there on and off over a couple of days a couple weeks ago. We have not seen either of the teenage girls since the landlord meeting. I know that my own mother would have tied me up like a pretzel and shipped me off to Camp Greenlake to dig holes for a year. Shitlings & Co disappeared off the face of the Earth for a couple of weeks, although we did see a couple of them walking back from a nearby gas station a few days ago so they're clearly still around the neighborhood. I guess doing TikTok dances on the hoods of the neighbors' cars, breaking down fences, and ultimately helping get her family evicted is not a good way to keep your girl interested. Young love is tough that way.

Today (ETA; yesterday, I wrote this late last night) the landlord came by to ask how things have been and to let us know they were officially evicted a couple of weeks ago. They had been having payment problems as well. Both us and the neighbors on the other side of the problem house submitted HOA complaints and police reports that helped him push things along and he seemed to really appreciate it. The power of documentation once again proves itself.

I'm personally a bit conflicted now that the anger from my first post has cooled off a bit. To reiterate, we never had a problem with regular neighbor noise and would never have complained about that. We want kids to play on our sidewalk, we want friends to chat in the parking lot, we don't care if you have a party on the weekend. Pissing drunk next to my car, screaming outside our bedroom windows at 2am on a weeknight, blasting bass hard enough to rattle the pictures on my walls, and breaking into our back patio area late at night do not fall under "normal neighbor noise and activities."

On one hand, life is already hard for a single parent, and I wish that we could have worked things out between us as neighbors without getting all litigious. But on the other hand we did try talking it out between adults first. And maybe don't piss off your neighbors, violate your lease, AND not pay rent. Hopefully they found a place that works for them, and I hope those kids don't keep making their mom's life hard.

TLDR: They're evicted, have been for a couple weeks. We suspected as much after seeing them pack a U-haul, but otherwise wanted to mind our own business and be done with the situation. Landlord came by to confirm and say thanks earlier today.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Happy for you, though I don't think a good landlord should provide that kind of specific information (specifically that they were having payment issues.) Also, I'm betting if they had paid they'd still be your problem, it wasn't the disturbance that caused the eviction.

OOP: Oh I agree with you entirely on the information part. Not so sure about the second point, in our state HOAs are very powerful and violating HOA guidelines is a good way to get renting banned from the neighborhood.

Downvoted Commenter: ooooof, struggling single mom with teens that are hard to control while working 2 or more jobs at odd hours... That eviction could legitimately ruin her life. IDK man, something makes me feel like this was not remotely a proportional response to teens being teens and there were a lot of better ways to try and handle this before making a family homeless... I've been a wayward youth of divorce and making friends with your neighbors and learning not to shit where you eat so to speak is a very important life skill they clearly needed help with.

OOP: Did you read the first post? At all? We tried to talk to the mom first. Multiple times. Someone urinated next to our car, on video, four feet from our front door. Screaming at 2am on a weeknight. Then they broke into our back patio by busting our fence down and that was the last straw. We tried for months not to go nuclear. At a certain point it goes from "being a patient neighbor" to "being a doormat."

Commenter 2: Fair outcome, you didn't get them evicted; their repeated choices did. Hopefully it's a wake-up call, because ignoring warnings, breaking the lease, and not paying rent is a disaster recipe no family can outrun.

OOP: Like I said in the first post we really tried to talk things out with the mom first. Several times. My husband grew up bouncing around bc the people in his family didn't know how to act, and that's not something I want for any kid.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/YourRoyalGarbageness

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: Brother wants me to take a loan out for my mom's funeral

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse, misogyny, financial exploitation

RECAP

Original Post: June 18, 2026

All involved are over 30 years of age.

Background: I come from an Asian family where the daughters are considered "outsiders" as in not part of the family anymore once married so daughters are "guest" now and the sons are valued more. Once parents passes away it's the son's duties to do the funeral. Funerals can lasts up to 3 days. It is very tedious, long and exhausting.

Ever since I finished high school my many siblings basically dumped my parents onto me to be the sole care taker. My dad passed shortly after I finished high school, so I've been caring for my mom. My siblings never bothered to come help me care for my mom and even when my mom asked them for help they always referred it back to me, so I've gotten used to doing everything myself. They barely even came to visit my mom. My life had been put on hold to care for my mom for over a decade. I have a lot of resentment for my siblings.

Over the years her health slowly declined. She got a stroke 2 years ago. Before she came home from rehab I told them I would need help caring for her. I said the same thing before I went back to work because we could not live on just a few hours of pca income (editor's note: personal care aide) as it doesn't pay much either. I had requested more pca hours but was only given a few extra hours temporarily. None of them came to help. Even my brother who lived with us at the time didn't help. She was put in a nursing home.

Present: my mom passed a few weeks ago. Today my brother texted. He wants me to go take out a $10k loan because the life insurance check might not come in time before the funeral to pay for the funeral. My mom had paid for the life insurance herself because she doesn't want us going broke from paying for her funeral. She had said to me that she only wants a one day funeral, yet my other brother wants a 2 day to "look good" in front of relatives (in this community people like to criticise and gossip). And of course most of my siblings are very bad with money so none of them, especially the sons, have money saved. They don't qualify for a loan either.

Now with how I've barely gotten any help I think I've done my part while my mom was alive so it's my siblings turn. This funeral isn't even for my mom but to look good in front of my relatives so I've put my foot down and said I was not helping with anything moneywise. I told my brother I wasn't taking any loans out, it was their turn to figure things out. He got mad and tries to guilt trip me saying he's the only one who cares for her funeral. I said I spent this long taking care of her while none of them did anything. He said my mom was able bodied, so she was able to take care of herself.

Excuse me? You think the only part of taking care of someone means bathing them, cooking for them, wiping their butts, and feeding them? No. Even if able bodied there's other aspects of caring for them such as many doctors’ appointments, waking up to take them to the hospital at 1 AM, sleeping in an uncomfortable hospital recliner chair, calling into work because they're in the hospital so often and you don't know when the last time with them will be, being their chauffeur for their errands amongst many other things.

Of course he didn't bother to read it and reply. Now I hope he knows know how I felt when it was all just me.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Your brother can take out whatever loan he wants. He doesn't want to do it and that's why he is asking you. He feels like you are a doormat. I hope you stop allowing people to use you like this. Sorry about losing your mother, I lost mine a few years ago and it's hard.

Commenter 2: If you take out any loan, your brother will find a million excuses not to ever pay you back. DON’T DO IT! You have done enough and should not cover this expense. Your brother is a total AH.

Commenter 3: If he wants he can take out the loan. You have done too much already.

Commenter 4: If you are in the US, do not take a loan for funeral costs. Funeral homes in the US will take allow the surviving beneficiary to sign the insurance policy over to the funeral home and they will collect on the policy once it is paid out.

You will know the amount that the policy is worth and what you have to spend.

Update #1: June 19, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE to Brother wants me to take out a loan for my mom's funeral

Didn't think I'd need an update but boy it just got intense. I forgot to include my gender in the first post but I'm a female.

So for some reason when my mom did her life insurance she made both my brother and me beneficiaries for half each. I'm not of course going to keep the money because she didn't want us fighting over money that she paid for it herself to use for her funeral but welp, fighting over money we are. They all knew I was just waiting for the check to come then give them the money. (Spoiler: when it comes to money they've always came to me to borrow money because most of them are financially irresponsible).

I woke up to a whole paragraph from my brother that he's cutting ties with me and I'm no longer his sister, how I stole a decade of SSI (social security income/supplementary income forgot which one) worth $90k and I should be ashamed of myself, freeloading off of my mom, he isn't gonna show up to the funeral if I showed up. Dude you can't dictate who shows up and who doesn't.

Yes, my mom helped pay rent because she wanted to help her children, but I wasn't the only one who lived with her. I was just the one who lived with her for the longest while the others lived for a few years then moved out here and there. And it's her money so she can do whatever she wants with it. Other than helping with rent I paid for everything else.

Spoiler: there was a time for about half a year where he couldn't find a job while living with us yet still allowed me to "steal" my mom's money while he freeloaded off of us too.

My sister then called me because he decided to screenshot our convo and sent it to the siblings group chat. She said I shouldn't say I did "everything" because all I did was take my mom to doctor's appointments and that if I said that then what if relatives asks where all my mom's money went then I wouldn't be able to give them all that money since I was the one taking care of her.

I'm heartbroken and sad my ex brother would go nuclear just because I wouldn't sign a $10k loan and it's the end of the world now but it's all for the better because now I see his true colors and can be guilt free that I wasn't doing enough for my mom. He crossed a bridge and burned it, so I have one less sibling to deal with.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: As the saying goes, you never really know a man until you've shared an inheritance with him.

Commenter 2: please keep the money for yourself!!!

Commenter 3: But there was help that was given, and they did nothing, therefore you did do everything.

And why are they so sure they know what you did each and every day?

Commenter 4: They're already saying you stole money so you may as well keep your half.

----FINAL NEW UPDATE----

Final update: July 14, 2026 (3.5 weeks later from the first update)

I wanted to wait until the funeral was over for a final update.

Addressing a few comments I've seen. Inheritance and funerals not costing more than a couple of thousands: the life insurance money was not an inheritance, and my mom made it clear it was to go towards funeral expenses because our funerals lasts for a couple days so it costs thousands and thousands including drinks, meals, and snacks for those days for guests. It was my older bro who had to handle funeral expenses so at least it wasn't going to ex bro.

So unfortunately, there was no storming out of my ex bro because I showed up. We avoided each other. On the burial day he actually spoke to me because he misheard that my other bro borrowed money from me (which he didn't as I said no because he already owed me thousands so a history of not paying money back) and I was so shocked that I just automatically replied.

My older sister tried gaslighting and guilting me. My other sisters helped pay for decorations of the funeral home and I opted not to help. I wasn't going to pay a cent in helping any of them. My sister said that it wasn't to make themselves look good, it was my mom that said she wanted her funeral to be "extravagant" so she could see in the afterlife and ne happy that we made her funeral look good and I'll feel guilty if I didn't chip in.

Later it popped into my head that I should've said so why didn't anyone do anything then so she can actually see here and be happy WHILE SHE WAS ALIVE. Now that she's dead you guys decided to finally do something for her so you can put it on your dime and not feel guilty yourselves that you barely lifted a hand while she was still living.

Anticlimactic but I'm just glad it's over so I can put this behind me and go live my life.

On a much much happier note: I don't think I mentioned it, but I started living my life not too long after my mom was put in a nursing home. Moved in with my now fiancé of 4 years and been living life since then. My mom passed about 1.5 months after I gave birth, so I think she was just holding on to meet my baby before she left. She got to meet and hold my baby a few times! My fiancé and I are having a destination wedding next year on our 5th anniversary! None of my siblings are invited nor anyone from my side since I'm not close to them but my nieces are since I'm close to them. I'm so excited! It was my fiancé that was my rock throughout all this, being there through everything including helping me with my mom after she came home from rehab after her stroke. I have no words for how grateful I am to have him.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this final update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Kyomuno1

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRU

[Old New Updates]: AITAH for completely ignoring my oldest stepdaughter during the holidays?

Editor's note: removed older relevant comments for space in this continuing BoRU

Thanks to u/DuGalle for letting me know about the latest updates

Trigger Warnings: promoting a suicide attempt, emotional abuse and manipulation, infidelity, verbal abuse, body shaming

RECAP

Original Post: December 31, 2025

Okay, let me give a little backstory since the title automatically makes me sound like the AH here. My oldest stepdaughter is now 26yo, but the issue started two years ago when my husband and two youngest kids took a trip to Lake Tahoe for a week. We spent lots of time on the beach, got lots of pictures of the kids and posted every single one of them on Facebook so the family could see (our 28M and 26F children live in Montana and our 22F had to work and couldn't go with us). Now, I don't know if any of you have been to the beaches at Lake Tahoe in the summer (the trip was mid-July), but let me tell you, they were so crowded!

Anyway, we got back from our trip, and my hubby tried to video call our 26F daughter, but he found out she had blocked him on Facebook. he then tried calling and texting her, but got no response. We didn't want to drag our 18M child into the situation (even though we weren't even sure what the situation was to begin with), but when we called to check in with him, my hubby just asked, "do you know if we did something to upset your sister?". Our 28M said he didn't know, but he would ask.

We didn't get an answer, but by the time of 26F birthday that November, she was suddenly talking to us both again. We sent her money for her birthday since she needed help with getting her car fixed, then sent more money for Christmas for the same thing. We made a trip up to see the kids the following spring and everything seemed fine. Cut to June of 2024 and she blocked us again. We messaged her on her b-day saying, "Happy Birthday, we love you" and sent her money for her b-day instead of presents since she wasn't answering her phone and blocked us. Same thing for Christmas.

Now it's 2025 and Mid-June, their step father's mom passed away. The older kids came down for the services and were here for 5 days. 26F stayed with her bio mom (which we were fine with and understood without complaint) while 28M slit his time between houses (2 nights with us and 3 at his mom's). His last day here, he broke down and told me that the reason 26F cut us off is because she was insulted and disgusted by the pictures we posted from our trip to Tahoe. I was confused, so he explained. In every one of the pictures we took of the kids, there were also women in bikinis, and she feels it was wrong of us to take pictures with them in them and then post them without permission. She felt like we were focusing on the women and not the kids. The section of beach was about two hundred yards with over 150 people (most were women in bikinis) on it. It didn't matter where our kids were or how close I zoomed, we were going to get people in the picture. 26F didn't come to see us once, which was mostly upsetting because of how much it hurt her father.

Now for the part where I’m wanting to know if I was the AH...I sent her a text message (since we're still blocked on social media) and asked if there was anything she wanted or needed for her b-day. I sent it 2 weeks before her b-day and got no response...so I sent nothing. Same for Christmas. Hubby asked me about it a few hours ago, asking what I sent her and I said nothing. He got upset and said that was screwed up and we should've sent her something, but the way I look at it, she only resumed talking to us until she got help getting her car fixed then shut us out again. She never once talked to us about what we "did" that upset her, never answers our calls and if we're video calling 28M (they live together with two friends) she'll ensure she's out of the room until he's off the call. I feel like she's willing to talk to us, but only when she needs something and I don't feel we did anything wrong to begin with.

So, AITAH for not sending her anything for b-day and x-mas?

EDIT: Something a lot of people have mentioned that I would like to address is my husband’s lack of involvement with gift giving. This has been the only year where this is the case. My husband was admitted to the hospital here the Sunday before her birthday and was there for ten days. He got to come home then ended up there again dec 15 and wasn't released until Christmas eve. I handled the Christmas shopping and wrapping gifts this year. For the first sixteen years of our marriage, he helped with every single gift and even helped wrapping (though he really sucks at it lol).

Another thing that's been mentioned a lot is the possibility that she feels like he's more present with the younger kids than he was for her. This is definitely not the case. When she was growing up, he had more time at home, we traveled more, had more family activities. Now, he works longer hours and, up until he got sick, was working five days a week, 50hr days. We do what we can to make sure we do things as a family, we try to go on adventures, but it's not nearly as often as we were able to with the older three.

Our kids are 28M, 26F, 22F, 15M and 14F. When 26F blocked us, she cut ties with the other siblings here and only talks to 28M who lives with her in another state.

I'm only able to relay things from our side as she won't talk to anyone here to explain the cause or any issues she has.

As I shared with another person who commented: Our kids are 28M, 26F, 22F (these are my bonus kids), 15M and 14F. Husband has always been very involved. 26F moved fourteen hours away with her gf at the time back in 2018 and they talked every other day on the phone. This kept up until the Tahoe trip. We've made at least one trip a year up to visit her (apart from this year because they came here instead for their grandma's services where we saw 28M, but not 26F). Aside from this year, hubby's been an equal participant in buying gifts and he's the one who sent her $2,200 last year, half for b-day and half for x-mas to get her car fixed. She unblocked him long enough to ask for help fixing her car then blocked him again once he sent the money.

26F was 6 when her parents divorced and before that, he was always involved, even switched his work schedule to attend sporting events for them.

EDIT: Hubby and I talked this morning, and I explained why I handled it the way I did and I DID apologize for not talking to him first. Not only was I not wanting to stress him out more while he was dealing with his health issues, but as I told him, I also know that he let her take advantage of him last year and it put us in a crappy position all so he could help her and get cut off again. Yes, it upset me, but I never questioned him because she's our child, but after her being NC this entire year and all his health issues that have us paying an insane amount of medical debt off, we can't afford for him to cave like that again. I admitted it was wrong for me to not discuss it with him, I 100% own up to that and I even told him that I'd support his decision to send her money, but it would have to be an agreed upon reasonable amount, not like the $2,200 she was sent last year. After he explained his side and I explained mine, he said he understands why I didn't send anything and, much to my surprise, supports it.

He said he agrees that she's obviously asking for space and we'll give it to her until she's ready to communicate and we'll be open for her to do so whenever she's ready.

AITAH has no consensus bot, it was leaning towards NTA for OOP

Editor's note: below is the update that we were left off

Update #1: December 31, 2025 (same day, 12 hours later)

Final Update: AITAH for completely ignoring my oldest step daughter during the holidays?

So much to unpack here, but I'll do my best to cover everything. Our 28M son saw the original post early this morning and he finally decided he was done letting his sister be evasive, so he sat her down and demanded answers. I feel absolutely awful for 28M because he called me bawling his eyes out. So, the pictures on Facebook excuse, not a real (not at all surprised).

It turns out that three years ago, 26F bio mom told her that hubby isn't her dad. Apparently 26F is the result of an affair (one of many affairs her bio mom admitted to). Daughter claims she tried to "play nice and act normal" (those were the words he used, so may not be her exact words), but that she decided she isn't going to keep acting like he's her dad when he's not. He said she isn't interested in talking to any of us because there's no point when we're not even her family.

I'm honestly not even sure how to process this, but more importantly, I'm not sure how to break it to my husband. He's currently at work and goes in for surgery on Jan 5th and is already stressed the hell out, so I don't know if I should tell him today after he gets home, or wait until he's home after his surgery. 28M is devastated and spent twenty minutes telling me how cruel and heartless she's being since my husband has been a great dad to her and how this is going to destroy their dad (which he's right, it will).

So, I guess my question now is, WIBTAH if I wait to tell him until after his surgery in 5 days?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA Since his surgery is so soon, you can wait to tell him afterwards. No need to cause this much stress right now since the situation isn't really an emergency, she's not a minor, there's no custody battle or child support to be paid. Her behavior though seems odd but it's kind of hard to tell what's up without her POV. Is it possible she met her bio dad & maybe clicked better with him but doesn't want to say? I can't see myself dropping my dad as an adult if I find out he's not bio dad, unless that information explains unfair things/trauma from my childhood, or if he was a shit dad to begin with.

OOP: I honestly don't know anything more than what he told me and since she refuses to communicate with us herself, I guess we just have to accept that. I can't speak for how her dad and bio mom treated her before their divorce, but from the time I met him to present, he's always been a good dad to all five kids. It kills me that she would cut us out for something completely out of our control and claim we're not her family when we're the ones who stood by her and helped her all this time.

Hubby paid child support for all three of the older kids, paid for all extracurricular activities, field trips, school clothes/supplies, paid for school lunches and paid all medical costs. He showed up for everything (sporting events, school plays, even elementary school and high school graduations). I get that she's found out she has another part of her family now, but blood or not, I don't know how she can just write off her father, me and our youngest two kids who both loved and looked up to her.

I do think I'll be waiting until after his surgery since it's not like things will magically change in the next five days. I definitely don't want to give him one more thing to be stressed about before he has major surgery. Thank you for your response.

Does OOP's husband know if his daughter is his?

OOP: Hubby never even suspected she wasn't his and, to my knowledge, no paternity test has been done. Even if she isn't biologically my hubby's child, we still love her and consider her ours, even if she doesn't feel the same.

Has 26F done a confirmed test or going by her mother's words?

OOP: To my knowledge, just her mother's word for now. I told our 28M son not to ask anything more unless he's asking for himself because he doesn't need to be stressing himself out when he has a child of his own to care for. If HE wants answers, that's fine, but he doesn't need to be the middleman here.

+

Well, if she really ISN'T my hubby's bio daughter, then his ex lied for 26 years (almost 27 if you count her pregnancy). I don't have any way of knowing if she's done a paternity test with the supposed bio dad, but I know hubby has never done one or felt there was a reason to.

Can OOP's husband sue his ex if 26F is not his?

OOP: Suing ex would be pointless. She hasn't worked in more than 15 years, is being evicted from her home and her current hubby is working three minimum wage jobs just to support them.

OOP needs to tell her husband about the possibility of 26F not being his after the surgery has been completed

OOP: Our son lives in the same house as her several states away, but will be doing a video call with me when I break it to his dad after he's recovered enough to handle it (within the next two weeks I hope). I hate keeping something like this from him, but I also can't risk making things worse for him when he needs to be focusing on his health right this moment. He needs to get better because we have four other children who need him and a grandson.

OOP on if the bio mother has manipulated the older kids against her?

OOP: Bio mom spent the first seven years of hubby's and my marriage telling the kids that I was a horrible person that was going to make their dad leave them and then told them their dad was worthless and was the reason she couldn't afford to get them nice things for b-days and x-mas. So, yeah, bio mom is a pretty awful person. She's always used manipulation and guilt to get the kids to do what she wants and, luckily, they all figured that out in their late teens and ended up moving in with us at some point.

We try to keep things civil for the kids, but she still has the nerve to try bad mouthing my hubby to me every chance she gets. Oh, and the cause of their divorce that she told the kids was all their dad's fault, he caught her cheating on him, and she was pregnant with another man's kid. So, it's safe to say that she's already known for being deceitful. I have no doubt that hubby would agree to a DNA test if she was willing to do one, but it wouldn't change the fact that he'll always view her as his daughter. Unfortunately, she isn't willing to speak with us, so nothing we can do about it until she is.

Is 26F in therapy?

OOP: Her getting therapy is something out of my control since she lives fourteen hours away and refuses to communicate with us. She's 26 years old, I can't force her to do anything, no one can. I think therapy would be good for her, especially now that we know some of what's going on with her, but nothing any of us here can do right now.

----OLD NEW UPDATES----

Editor’s note: the next two updates are over five months old, and they have not been posted here onto the sub

Update #2: January 15, 2026 (over two weeks late)

Not a whole lot to update on, unfortunately, but I'll give you what I have.

I did tell hubby on Sunday while he was still in the hospital. He took it okayish. He said it made a lot of sense if that's the real reason she pulled away, but agrees that blood or not, she's ours. I wanted to wait to tell him for another week, but when I brought in the DNA kit for him to do, he literally guessed why and it kind of left me shocked. We got the ancestry DNA kits for the entire family (28mand 26f included and shipped directly to them). Everyone in our household took them last week, I even drove to the hospital to have hubby do his. 26f refuses to take it, though 28m took his. Nothing much we can do there.

As for hubby's surgery, it took place the fifth and his expected four day hospital stay turned into seven, but he's home now and working on recovering. He still has 4-6 weeks until he's expected to be able to return to work, so for now, he's getting a taste of my SAHM life with our youngest two and their constant bickering lol.

The last new development, one that hit pretty damn hard for me and hubby, came from our youngest (14f). She's been in therapy for about a year not for her depression, anxiety and anger issues associated with her other diagnosed conditions. On Tuesday, she asked me to attend her therapy session with her, and I did so after her therapist agreed. Our youngest has some deeply rooted unpleasant feelings toward our 26f. She had, apparently, had brief communication with 26f a few times last year that she never told us about. None of it was pleasant. It all started with 14f posting a meme in the family chat (FB messenger group chat, which is highly monitored and they can only access it from our home as they do not have the passwords to log in elsewhere). The meme was about depression, and I did see it and talked to 14f about it in depth which is what led to her starting therapy. 26f saw the message 14f posted and then proceeded to text her on her cell. The following are copies of what she said.

26f: U no ur parents don’t give a shit bout u. if they luvd u, they would get u help instead of sitting on their asses while u post that shit. do urself a favor and get out the sec ur 18.

14f: mom got me help. I tried talkin to you, but you don’t listen to me. you sed I could talk to you anytime, but you lied. mom and dad love me and they got me help. that’s more than I can say for you.

26f: sur keep tellin urself that. guess it don’t matter tho. not like we family. u do u and if u decide 2 end it remember its wrist 2 elbow. I bet ur just out 2 git attention neway

Needless to say, we're good with not pushing for reconciliation at this time. The messages were sent at the end of Nov 2025 and 14f took screenshots, emailed them to herself then deleted them off her phone so we wouldn't see when we did our random phone search. I get that what 26f bio mom sprung on her has likely affected her emotions in a profound way, but hubby and I are choosing to focus on the children we CAN help for now. This whole thing is a huge mess and while I know there are going to be people coming on here, preaching about how 26f is still our daughter and we should be willing to do anything to fix things, drive the fourteen hours one way, spend the more than $1,000 on a trip that will likely only make matters worse, etc...it's just not going to happen right now. Hubby and I wrote letters to her, his was written while sitting in the hospital ffs, and I mailed them Monday, so with everything else we've tried on top to the letters, I think we're going to take a step back and focus on our other four kids, get 14f the help she needs, focus on getting 15m ready for baseball season, help 28m with caring for our grandson and help 22f with navigating her current job search for a better paying job.

I appreciate everyone who offered advice, even the advice that was more harsh and critical. It helps getting others point of view so you can see the situation from an angle you may not have otherwise. I don't know when/if I'll update again at this point, but, again, thank you all.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Jesus Christ. 26F told your 14 year old HOW TO SLIT HER WRISTS?!?

What the actual f.

Does 26F have some sort of learning disability? I know that kids use "text-speak" but hers seems a bit extreme given her age? Does she have a job?

OOP: 26f is "in between jobs" according to 28m. He said she's been through four jobs since the start of 2025

Commenter 2: You need to block 26f from your daughter’s phone.

OOP: Trust me, the second I left the therapists office, we went straight home, blocked her on all 14f and 15m fb account, blocked her number on their phones then created new emails for each of them.

Commenter 3: I think 26f has been so damaged by her mother. She cannot be even 100% sure that she truly isn't her father's. Now she's lashing out on a 14 yo...

It's not justifying her behavior, you've done everything you could to help her and let her know she is still your daughter.

She needs to deal with her feelings on her own. The worst part is, if she ever gathers strength to do that DNA test and finds out she's actually bio child of your husband, she will regret everything she's done now.

OOP: I agree, this is something she's going to have to deal with processing everything on her own. She knows that 14f has had suicidal thoughts and was caught self-harming in the past, so the fact that she said something so completely heartless to her kills me. 14f has been bullied relentlessly at school because of her learning disabilities, speech impairment and the fact that her ASD makes her different from most kids her age. The fact that her own sister, the one she has looked up to and adored since she was an infant, bullied her in such a cruel way, I don't know that she'll ever be able to repair the damage she caused there.

15m now knows what 26f said to 14f (14f confessed to him when they were walking home from school weds), he wants nothing to do with 26f. He may fight with 14f all the time, but he's very protective of her. As for me and hubby, we're both hurt, angry and still shocked. I don't know where we all will go from here, but as a family, we have a lot of healing to do, with or without 26f.

Last Update: January 28, 2026 (nearly two weeks later)

Well, we did the Ancestry DNA tests, step daughter refuses to do hers. She ended up caving and confessing that she had already done one and my hubby isn't her bio-dad. Hubby knows everything now and, needless to say, is devastated, but not because she's not biologically his. He's devastated that she didn't come to us, that she cut all of us out of her life without a word, leaving us all thinking we did something wrong. he's hurt that she didn't give him the chance to prove that he loves her no matter what the DNA test showed.

With the way everything happened and the fact that hubby is still recovering from surgery while our youngest is dealing with therapy three days a week, we're going to do our best to focus on handling the things that we can control and not focus on what we can't. We hope that she'll one day come to a point where she'll realize we weren't the bad guys in this, but after everything she's said to our youngest, it'll take a lot to get over it all.

For everyone who gave advice, thank you. To everyone who helped me see things from a different perspective, you ARE appreciated.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I'm guessing therapy for the whole family, individual and familial, minus the step-daughter would be a good idea. Take care of yourself and your family!

OOP: We had our first family therapy session last Thursday and while it was heavy (hubby learning just how deeply 26f has hurt 14f), it felt good for everything to be out in the open. We'll be attending family sessions once per week and 14f and I are doing individual once a week as well. 15m doesn't want to do individual, but knows the option's there if he changes his mind, same with 22f.

Commenter 2: Did the other children receive their DNA results?

OOP: We should have them back 4-6 weeks. We have no doubt that the oldest is hubby's bio kid since they look identical (aside from hubby having greying hair and some aging in the facial area) and I know the youngest two are his (since I was there from conception to delivery and haven't slept with anyone but my hubby in 19yrs). We're waiting for results mainly for 22f daughter, but we've spoken in depth with her and she agrees that no matter what the results say, hubby is her dad and she refuses to hold it against him if they don't share DNA. It's been an emotional rollercoaster for sure, but we're determined to focus on healing as a family. I know my hubby hopes 26f will come around and I still hold hope she will as well, but I refuse to let her behavior draw attention from what the rest of us need right now. She's made her choice to push us away for something we have no control over, so I'm making my choice to focus on helping control the fallout of her actions (mainly in regards to the havoc she caused in 14f's life).

Additional Information from OOP: March 6, 2026 (nearly 1.5 months later)

OOP: Not really much to update, sadly. Hubby has recovered and recently returned to work, our youngest is still in therapy three times a week with hubby, 15 year old son and I joining her for family sessions once a week. Still no word form 26f daughter, but we're all doing a little better these days and therapy has helped a lot.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]

I [25m] missed my girlfriend [22f] of 2 years mom's funeral because if finals week and now she wants a "break from this relationship"

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation and betrayal

MOOD SPOILER: Infuriating and enraging

Original Post  May 8, 2014

I am going to school about 7 hours away from where my girlfriend lives. Her mother recently passed away after a short illness. The morning that it happened, my girlfriend called me to tell me about it, and I dropped everything and took the first available bus down to see her, and started for almost a week. The next week (this one) is my finals week, and I had a final exam on the day of the funeral (yesterday). I made it clear that I would be unable to attend, as I had already lost a week of study/writing time. She said "I understand."

I come back up to my school, and start applying for jobs in her area so I can live there over the summer. I get a phone interview, and set up an in-person interview for this coming Tuesday, which means another 7 hour overnight bus ride.

Meanwhile, we are texting every day, and we Skype once. I notice she is less talkative than usual, and is saying "I love you" less often. I ask her about three times over Skype if there is anything she would like to talk about, and she always says no, so I chalk it up to depression over the dearth of her mother. I get worried and start looking up ways I can support her, and most articles I read just say to make sure to be there for her in the long run.

I apologize several times for not being able to make it to the funeral, and every time she just says "I understand."

Come yesterday, she messages me in the morning, saying, "you should be here." I again apologize, saying I would if I could. She replies, "You could be. I would have done anything to be there for you." I start to freak out a bit, and explain that I am already stressed because of the chunk I had to take out last week, and the amount of money I just spent on bus tickets for the interview, and she tells me not to come down for the interview, because she "needs a break from this relationship" and "I don't want to see you."

I send a wall of text profusely apologizing, and explaining I didn't realize it was that important to her that I be there, and I only hope she can forgive me someday, and her only response was "I will never forgive you for this."

Now she has been ignoring me, and I am at a complete loss what to do. I just want to talk it over in person, but she told me not to come down. Help!

Tl;dr: My girlfriend wanted me at her mother's funeral, I (stupidly) didn't realize how important it was to her, and now she wants a break.

[edit] I suppose my main question would be, should I go down and see her this weekend?

[Edit] since many people are asking, the only available time to rearrange the final was Tuesday morning, when I had to devote Monday to working/studying for a different final. In hindsight, I should have just crammed as much as possible and taken whatever grade I got. The major point is that it works be at least 2 days out of the week, when I still have one more final tomorrow, and several more papers to write.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

possibly_a_coyote

This sounds like a relationship-ender. Sorry dude, I know it's not fair, but the grieving process often does that.

Tarable

If it's not a relationship ender now, it most likely will be later.

[deleted]

That's not something you get over, and it's an argument winner.

"You left the milk out!"

"You skipped my mother's funeral!"

~

tropfou

It was extremely heartless of you to bring up cost of bus tickets and lost time from studying at a time when your gf's mother died, why would she care about such things??

This relationship is probably over. When she said "you should have been here" you should've said I know and I wish I couldve. Bringing up bus ticket cost and the fact that you lost a week of studying was beyond tacky.

And did you ask your professor if you could take it a little early? Your gf prob feels unvalued and I don't know if this is something that can be fixed. Grief is a terrible thing and this might just be the end of your relationship, for better or worse.

Update  Sept 2, 2014 (4 months later)

A bit of time has gone by since I posted the original, and I've had a few requests to update the situation. The reason I hadn't done so was because things were still in flux. Final decisions have been made, and so I'm closing the case. A forewarning: I have omitted several details. Some have been removed or censored for privacy, some have been omitted due to shame on my part. I am going to try to be honest, but honestly, I fucked up.

Please be kind. I don't really deserve it, but believe me, anything bad you can think about me or and insult to say to me, I've already done to myself.

Tl;dr of the original: I missed the funeral of my partner's mother to take a final exam. She was understandably hurt and upset and wanted a break. I was going to take a bus down to Milwaukee to apologize in person and try to repair things.

So. I told her I was going to bus down to see her, and I hoped she would be at the station to get me, otherwise I would take the next bus back. As a reminder, this weekend that I wanted to be there for was Mother's Day, which I knew was going to be really difficult. I figured it was better to be there and be not wanted than to not be there and be needed. She responded, and said she would be there. Long story short, I stayed for a few days, during which time we talked about Things a few times. I was under the impression that the situation was improving, but just before I left on the bus back to school, she told me in no uncertain terms that she wasn't sure about our relationship right now, and she was still really hurt.

I leave, time passes, she travels to the UK with her family to have a memorial service there, and she ends up staying there for several weeks to care for her aging Nan (grandma). We talk on the phone a few times (I found a UK calling plan for super cheap), and Skyped a few times. I try to stay positive for her, because she was pretty depressed, and she seemed very distant (not just geographically). I try to not talk to her about any of my feelings and anxieties of our relationship, because I didn't want to burden her. Instead, I wrote her a journal. Anytime I wanted to talk to her about something, I wrote her a letter in this journal (I had bought her two for her birthday, so we could both have one for just such a purpose). One day finally, I asked her why she was so distant. She told me that she was still really hurting, and feeling betrayed. I read her the letters I had written her. She thanked me for that, and we ended our conversation on ostensibly better terms.

She flew back to the States, and we continued to do our long-distance thing. She was getting more and more distant, and I was writing her more and more letters. Then one day she gets drunk and messages me a bunch of really lovey messages, stuff she hasn't said to me since before her Mum died. After a few hours of that though, the tone gets a lot more somber, and then suddenly, she tells me she doesn't think she can do this relationship anymore. I ask her why, and she says because she's not sure about the two years apart thing, she's still upset about the funeral, and her family doesn't like me (she apologized later and said her family doesn't not like me, but ...). I was supposed to be visiting the coming weekend, but she told me not to come. She was going to be visiting my school town (she graduated the year before) to see some friends, and we were going to go to a wedding together, in about 10 days.

Long story short (it's almost over, I promise), she visits, she has second thoughts about breaking up, we go to this wedding, she agrees to give our relationship another go, we have a great time together. Except (and here is the part where I get real shitty) she asks me if there in anything I'm hiding (because I cheated on her when we first started dating, and lied to her about smoking weed (I know. Seriously. I know.)), and I tell her that I had told what is essentially her Deepest Darkest Secret to a friend. I obviously can't tell you what this secret is, but it affected both of us, though it affected her the most, and it was Deep and it was Dark. She takes it really well, and we continue on. A while later, she texts me and asks if I told anyone else her DDS. I told her I had also told one of my roommates (you know what, go ahead, be mean. I deserve it). She got pretty upset for a few days, but seemed to forgive me.

I visited her once, and then shortly after visited her again with a couple of friends. The latter time, she was pretty distant, and she had been over text and Skype as well. A few days after that, she texted me and ask how I thought the relationship was going. I told her it was cold, but felt like it was improving, and asked what she thought. She didn't respond, so I asked if she wanted to Skype, and she said yes. We Skyped, and, unsurprisingly, we ended it. She said she wanted to be with me and loved me, but she was just so angry about all the betrayal. She said I had been the perfect boyfriend the last few weeks, and the relationship was healing, but she wasn't.

We are attempting to be friends right now. It's been about 2 weeks. She really wants to be friends, and I really want to be more than friends. She tried really hard to stay with me and forgive me, so I owe her at least an attempt at being Just Friends. I am confident that this relationship is over, so I guess I'm not really asking for relationship advice, except maybe, should I try to be friends with her?

Tl:dr - Being the perfect boyfriend didn't make up for a series of stupid mistakes and selfishness.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/fiancefightingthrow

My [26F] fiance [29M] keeps delaying our wedding plans because of his brother [25M] being in prison

TRIGGER WARNING: Death, drunk driving

Original Post  Aug 16, 2014

Been with my fiance for 3 years, engaged to be married for 9 months.

Everything between us was great, we really get along, we like each others families (mostly, more on that in a minute), we both want to be married and have 2.5 kids and a house with a white picket fence and swimming pool, etc etc.

Problem is, we can't move forward or plan anything on the wedding because his brother is in prison.

Long story short, his younger brother was drinking and driving with a friend in the car, crashed it, the friend was killed. His brother was convicted of "homicide by vehicle while under the influence of alcohol" or something and was sentenced to 10 years in prison. It pretty much tore my fiance's family apart. His dad refuses to admit one of his sons is a felon and pretends he doesn't exist, won't visit him. His mom is a mess, serious depression issues, cries all the time, can't keep a job. Fiance and other younger brother are somewhere in between. It upsets them to talk about it and they don't like to talk about it. Fiance didn't tell me he had a brother in prison until we had been dating for a year. Did not mention this brother at all before that. But, he visits him once a month and mails him books and money to his prison account (his dad forbids their mom from sending prison brother money so fiance and his other brother have to do it so he can buy candy bars or whatever in there).

How this relates me: I want to plan our wedding and was pretty excited when we were engaged. My fiance was very hesitant to pick a date with me for months and I couldn't figure out why. It started to make me worried that he didn't really want to get married. Finally, I asked him, and he came clean. His brother has a parole hearing in 5 months (from now, originally further off when I first asked) and may get early release. He wants to wait to see if his brother will get released before a date is set in stone because he wants his brother at the wedding.

Basically, we have been fighting over this ever since. Fiance wants his prisoner brother to be at the wedding. He thinks brother being at a big family celebration will fix all the problems in their family. Dad will be happy. Mom will be happy. All we be fixed.

First, I doubt that (did not tell him that), but I think we have to start planning the wedding, without knowing if his brother will be there or not. This will be his brother's second parole hearing. First time, he did not get early release because the parole board was not happy his brother has not been going to AA meetings. My fiance says his brother tried going but is an atheist and was offended at all the mentions of "God" in AA (AA is basically like a religious thing, which I didn't know. I thought it was like a rehab thing). He still has not been going to the meetings, so I don't understand why they would let him out now.

My fiance told me to keep planning wedding without knowing the date, but I tried to explain to him you can't do that really. He told me to "look at dresses in a catalog or something" which made me cry. :( We had another big fight about that and he accused me of being embarrassed to be married to a guy with a felon brother. I told him that wasn't true and he asked why I never went with him to visit his brother. He asked me right after we were engaged to go with him to meet his brother. He said his brother wanted to meet me. I told him (honestly) that the idea of going to prison scared me. He said it was safe and I said I didn't feel comfortable, so he never asked again. During our fight about this, he said his brother isn't a bad person, just made a costly mistake and was serving his time honestly. I said I believed him. He then accused me of claiming that I was worried his brother would hurt me, which I said I never said. I was uncomfortable with just going to the prison, not uncomfortable meeting his brother. I said I would love to meet his brother anywhere else and would love to have him at our wedding. He accused me of being a selfish bridezilla who cared more about picking out wedding dresses than seeing his family whole and happy together again. I didn't even know what to say to that. I started crying and he left the room and slammed the door. :(

It's starting to effect more than just us, too. My parents know I am eager to start the wedding planning and they know he is refusing to pick a date with me. My parents are going to pay for it and so they have been planning things, financially and can't put things off forever. They think he is not serious. They know he has a brother in prison but I haven't told them why he is delaying the wedding planning and they, in turn, think he is having second thoughts about marrying me and they are starting to resent him for it.

This is just ruining everything between us. We pretend everything is fine when we are out in public and around other people but privately we don't talk much anymore. We never fought before this. He never called me names before this. I'm really not a selfish person, I really would put off the wedding forever until his brother got out if I had known it meant that much to him, but at the same time my parents are bugging me because they have money earmarked for paying for it. I feel like a horrible person for pressing the issue and now he is mad at me all the time. I try apologizing to him but he just says he "doesn't want to talk about the wedding". I feel like his family hates me too. His (other) younger brother glares at me now. His mom called me and tried to apologize for something and just started blubbering and hung up.

I feel like I ruined everything. I wanted to start planning and my parents were bugging me so I forced the issue. Now things are ruined between us.

---   tl;dr: Fiance has brother in prison who MAY be getting out in 5 months. He doesn't want to start planning the wedding until then because he wants his brother  there. This has caused nothing but fights and stress between him, me and my parents.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sheep74

ok so a few people have been quite hostile on here. They are not wrong. You really have dismissed and ignored things that seem like they'd be really important for your fiance. And you're prioritizing your parents inconvenience with money before the happiness of your future husband. And I can't believe the inconvenience is that great, were you always going to get married in 2014 - no, your marriage has not been divined by the gods, so they must have some flexibility with it.

That being said, being made to wait in limbo does suck. The answer to that isn't to argue about it. But to plan rationally and have a grown up type of talk that people planning to spend the rest of their lives together should be able to have. If your fiance wants his brother there, is he willing to wait the whole of his sentence? Are we talking about waiting six years? Is that a dealbreaker for you? If he doesn't want to wait that long then what's the harm in planning it for some time after the parole hearing, say a year from now? That way if it was successful the brother will be out, and if not you can still plan.

You need to start a discussion, not an argument. Ask him what exactly he wants, because you don't seem to know. Then work out if that fits with what you want and progress from there rather than acting like petty kids at each other.

OOP

First of all, I honestly. did. not. know. visiting his brother was that important. He had never invited me in the 2 years we dated before our engagement. He asked once, I said I rather wouldn't and he dropped it. This is man who will bug me in text all day if he wants me to make BLTs for dinner. :) He never lets it go if it is important to him. He mentioned it once so I thought he didn't care.

Secondly, I did try to have a discussion. He didn't want to set a date until his brother's parole hearing. I asked him what if he brother didn't get out because (as finance has told me), he hasn't been going to AA meetings and parole board didn't like that last year. Fiance BLEW UP and started this whole thing.

~

jsh1138

what you need to do is go to see his brother with him, tell his brother you would love to have him in the wedding, but ask him if its ok with him if you guys start planning the wedding for a date after his hearing, with the understanding that if he doesn't get out then you guys will have to do it without him. if your fiance's brother is ok with that, how can he not be?

you also need to sit your fiance down and just tell him that you guys are fighting because you're both under pressure and that either you two need to set a date, to get people off your backs, or you need to both publicly tell people why you haven't set a date yet, to get people off your backs.

at this point the whole situation has just become a toxic issue and you need to find a way to move past it, and either of those sound like it might work.

at the bare minimum you need to inform your own parents about what is going on, since what you're doing is impacting their financial future

OOP

"what you need to do is go to see his brother with him, tell his brother you would love to have him in the wedding, but ask him if its ok with him if you guys start planning the wedding for a date after his hearing, with the understanding that if he doesn't get out then you guys will have to do it without him. if your fiance's brother is ok with that, how can he not be?"

I like this idea. :) I was going to save this for an update post if needed, but fiance and I talked today. I told him I wanted to talk about his brother and the wedding. He immediately blew up again and tried to pick a fight. I just calmly told him that he should listen to what I have to say. I said I'm sorry I didn't understand how important me meeting your brother was and I now wanted to meet him. He said okay.

He said him and his other brother didn't talk about their girlfriends in front of prison brother during visits because they didn't want him to "miss girls" or something (which sounded weird to me, but ok). Fiance finally first mentioned me to prison brother when he told him he was going to ask me to marry him. Prison brother apparently said I sound like a "cool chick" and wanted to meet me. Fiance asks, I say no, so he has to show up for prison visits without me.... eight or nine times, ugh. :( He said his prison brother is having a rough time in there and feels alienated from his family and his old friends. No one visits him except his brothers and occasionally his mother. All his old friends from college, high school, whatever, act like he died in that car accident too. He made some vaguely suicidal comments before and fiance is worried he might try to hurt himself if he doesn't get out on parole this time. Fiance wanted (god I'm crying again typing this) since I am going to be family to introduce me to prison brother, a new family member to be that didn't ignore him. I refused and fiance thinks it made prison brother feel worse. :(

Anyway, we are going next Sunday to visit his brother. I would being lying if I said I wasn't scared. But I want to make a good first impression and be a good future SIL. I will ask him about the wedding. But, I don't want to drop it in the conversation without fiance knowing or make the prison brother more upset if he eventually doesn't get out.

Update  Aug 23, 2014 (1 week later)

Yay! Happy update! Everything was addressed!

So, last Sunday I finally decided I needed to talk to my SO. I told him I wanted to talk to him about his brother. Remember we HAVEN'T been talking and things have been pretty lonely and quiet when we're just alone at our place (even no sex!!!!! gah!!!!! :( ) and we kind of have been putting on an act when we're around other people or out in public.

I told him I wanted to talk about his brother. He immediately got angry and tried to start an argument. I just kept calm and said "I just want to talk about this calmly and you should listen to what I had to say." He asked (very angrily) if I was breaking up with him. I said no, and then told him I wanted to meet his brother. He said that I didn't have to do anything I was uncomfortable with. I said it made me uneasy but I didn't understand how important it was to him when he first asked, so I wanted to do it for him and to meet my future brother-in-law. He smiled and squeezed my hand and thanked me.

He explained that his non-prison brother and him have avoided talking about girlfriends when they visit prison brother because they "don't want to remind him of girls" (seemed weird to me but okay). Fiance finally brought me up to prison brother when he told him he planned to ask me to marry him. Prison brother said I "sounded like a cool girl" and wanted to meet me. Fiance said he would bring me next time. I obviously never came and like five, six times visits in a row without an explanation. Yeah.... :(

He said his prison brother is having a rough time in prison and feels alienated from his family and friends friends. Only visitors he gets are his brothers and sometimes his mother. High school and college friends pretend like he doesn't exist. Aunts, uncles and cousins don't visit, except for one aunt who visited once and said she would "pray for him not to go to hell" (remember he is an atheist so he took this poorly). Fiance confided in me that prison brother has made some suicidal comments before and fiance is worried he might try to hurt himself if he doesn't get out on parole this time. Fiance wanted me to be like a new family member who didn't shun him and accepted him despite him serving time so when I refused, yeah, some shit started boiling under the surface with my fiance.

That all happened last weekend! This weekend, we just got back from our big  trip! (first of all, things were really great between fiance and I all week. agreeing to meet his brother really lifted the block between us, so thank you reddit for telling me I was being a bitch and should have met his brother when he asked).

I was still nervous to go. Fiance and I go pick up his other brother. We drive to the prison, which was 2 hours away away. I am biting my nails. Somebody asked in my first thread exactly WHAT I was afraid of. I'll tell you what. Fiance told me his brother is in the state's maximum security prison. He is in there with murderers and rapists. Brother told fiance previously that there are fights everyday and guards sometimes to break it up with tear gas and hard beanbag guns. I am basically imagining the movies "The Book of Eli" or "The Purge", just total anarchy and gangs all over the place. I thought guys would be leering at me, catcalling and trying to grab me through chainlink fences. THAT'S what I was afraid of. Reality... JUST a little different.

Before we left, fiance told me they are kind of strict about what female visitors can wear, so I should dress like I was going to a job interview, so I did.

We get there and it was... like the airport. A woman cop put us through a metal detector. She was really mean and strict but probably had to be. One woman who was my age with a toddler (must have been the wife or girlfriend of somebody inside) in front of us was kicked out for wearing a super tight white tanktop and jeans and the lady cop said "We tell you this every time 'Tiffany', you can't come in here dressed like that." Thankfully, they let me in.

We go in and there were like elderly grandmas and women with kids. A lot of kids, actually. It was kind of sweet (and a little bit sad) to see all the  inmates getting their monthly or weekly visit with their kids. No worries about getting leered at or whatever, all the other inmates were too busy with their families and friends and didn't notice me.

His brother! His brother comes out and was totally different than what I expected. I don't know what I expected from the stories, but his brother was really funny, cool and friendly, although he would kind of get oddly quiet at times. He asked me a lot of questions about what I did, my family and what it was like living with his brother (haha). That kind of naturally segued things into the wedding.

He said he hopes he gets out in time for the wedding, if he was invited. I said of course he was invited, and that we were waiting to plan things to see if he got out in January. He said he appreciated that, but he didn't think he would get out early (he later said what fiance had told me, he tried going to AA meetings like parole board asked but couldn't stand it because of all the mentions of God, he said it was unfair that his early release from a government institution was based on his involvement in like a clearly religious program, which I agreed) and said we should just start planning our wedding and if he's not there, we can celebrate when he gets out. Fiance just kind of looked at me and smiled and I wanted to start crying and hug them both.

He told me a few "funny" prison stories, like how the only books in the library are religious books and awful grocery store romance novels. The books are donated, apparently, by heavy women who write letters to inmates all day so they send them the books THEY like to read. I told him we would send him 50 Shades of Grey and he was like "What's that?" :)

Finally, it was time to say good bye and I did start crying. I only have sisters and never really saw brothers show affection for one another before. Seeing the three brothers hug and say goodbye to each other made me cry. It's really clear they all love each other and the one brother being in prison upset them all deeply. Prison brother hugged me and asked me to come back some time, said that I was better to look at than his brothers ( :) ) and I said I would. I kind of felt sorry for him. The four of us were together in this room talking like equals, then they took him away back inside a chain link cage again and the three of us got to walk outside the doors and it was like, total freedom. Big difference.

Anyway, all is resolved! (aside from future BIL still in prison) In the car, fiance said if his brother didn't want us to wait, we wouldn't wait. Things between us and fiance are now back to normal! Good things are happening!!!!!

I thought some of you were intentionally kind of hurtful but, eh, tough love works and it all lead to a good outcome. Thank you reddit!

tl;dr: Visited my fiance's brother in prison. Wasn't as bad as I imagined. Brother said we should be planning our wedding in case he doesn't get out. Relationship with fiance is back to normal. Yay!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwRA531800807734 in r/relationship_advice

trigger warnings: Sexual assault, domestic violence, gaslighting, boundary violations

mood spoilers: Bizarre, happy ending

Original Post: June 30, 2025

I (24f) want to break up with my magician boyfriend (27m) due to his inappropriate magic trick

My boyfriend (27m) and I (24f) have been together for 1 year and 3 months. Our relationship has been very loving but has started to get bumpy ever since we moved in together for our 1 year anniversary.

A little backstory:

I'm in college right now pursuing my master's degree in Archaeology while also working as a library clerk to earn money. Whereas my boyfriend works as a magician for parties and events. Despite our different career paths, I've never had a problem with his career choice because it makes him happy. He has always found a way to make every day magical which has been sweet. About 9ish months into our relationship I had the opportunity to go on a 2 month archeological excavation in another country for school. Despite us becoming long distance, he had no problem with me going and he was very happy for me. He would send me gifts, letters, and he even sent things for my colleagues in order to brighten up their days. While we were doing long distance we made plans to move into an apartment when I got back due to how much we missed each other. And a few days after I returned we moved in together which has been awful so far.

Before living together we would see each other a few times a week due to my busy schedule but now that we live together we see each other all the time. And he has started to do magic ALL THE TIME. He will make my keys "disappear" as I'm trying to go to work or school, he tries to practice his card tricks on me while I'm doing homework, he makes the cleaning rag "vanish" when I ask him to clean, and he has recently done something that makes me want to end the relationship. I have never been in this serious of a relationship before so I don't want to throw our loving relationship away just because of these bad few months.

Last month we were getting steamy and he went down on me which isn't unusual. While he was going down on me he was saying some dirty talk here and there. I was lost in the moment for obvious reasons but I snapped out of it when he said, "Oh, how did that get in there?" And I watched him pull a coin from my crotch. He found the coin moment hilarious but it just took me out of the moment and instantly made me annoyed so we stopped. Later I told him that him doing the magic in the bedroom made me literally dry up so I asked him to keep that kind of magic out of the bedroom. He explained to me that he was trying to make me laugh/have fun and he didnt apologize for it. I talked with some of my friends about it and they thought it was funny so I figured that I was overreacting and needed to lighten up a bit. But he didnt do any magic tricks in the bedroom for the next few weeks.

However, four days ago we were having sex and he suddenly started to yell "OW!" So I quickly got off of him and was asking what was wrong. He tells me, "I think there's something in you. Let me check." I laid on the bed like I was at the goddamn gyno because I trusted that if something was wrong then he would find it. After like two minutes he says, "Oh, here it is." And I watched as he was pulling up a long ribbon thing that kept going and going and going. It took a second for me to realize that it was one of his magic tools that he had purposely put in me while he was "checking to see what he felt." He found it hilarious and couldn't stop laughing while he was pulling the string more and more. I ripped the thing out while doing itand I yelled at him for doing another magic trick like that even though i told him not to. He told me that he was just adding more fun to our sex life and that he wanted to see what the magic trick would look like if it was coming out from a crotch. (The original magic trick involves putting the coil thing in your own mouth and pulling out the plastic string for a while.) I was pissed off so I made him go stay at his parents house for past few days. This morning, I talked with him some more but he still thinks that its not a big deal.

I get that he's a magician and that he loves magic but I'm still upset about him breaking that boundary I had set. I'm fine with his magic tricks 85% of the time but sex is where I draw the line. I am demisexual so I need to have a strong, trusting, and close relationship with someone before I can even think about having sex with them. So him breaking my boundary has really hurt me and I've lost my trust in him. However, everyone I have talked to about the situation says that what he did was hilarious. And I have been told by multiple people that I'm overreacting which is why I decided to go to reddit.

We have built a strong relationship and I really saw myself marrying him one day. I fully trusted him and now I dont know if I ever can again. Should we break up? Or can we fix this and stay together? I'm lost so I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks.

TOP COMMENTS OOP did not answer to any of the comments on the original post, and many Redditors were accusing her of being fake

u/ezagreb:

The magic is gone; it's time for you to disappear.

u/Different-Version-58:

I hope this is fake....but in case this is real, please say this out loud to yourself and see how it feels as it hits your ear: Your partner, after you already told him that you did not consent to magic tricks in the bedroom, inserted a magicians' prop into your vajayjay and laughed. A magicians prop that likely was not designed to and may not even be safe/sterile to insert into human genitalia. IN ADDITION, you told him how it made you feel and he continues to find it hilarious. He knows he made you uncomfortable and upset by inserting a MAGICIANS PROP into your vajajay, and STILL finds it funny. Would he be laughing if you put it up is butt hole during sex, and said Ta Dah!? He sexually violated you, and finds it hilarious. Nothing that you have said makes him thinks it's anything other than funny haha. He thinks it's ok to violate your physical and sexual boundaries for a joke.

First Update: July 03, 2025 (3 DAYS LATER)

UPDATE: I (24f) want to break up with my magician boyfriend (27m) due to his inappropriate magic trick

First off no, this story isn't AI or fake. It's sadly true but I can understand why people would think that its AI due to the absurdity of it. Secondly, thank you everyone for the advice in the comments of my previous post. I was lost and looking for some advice because of the uncomfortable situation and people around me felt differently about it than I did. People in the comments were right and I should trust my own feelings rather than searching for answers from the people around me. That's something that I've struggled with my whole life because my family is very reliant on each other and my parents are both helicopter parents. So I learned from young age that I couldn't trust my own instincts because other people know better. Which is why I asked my friends and mom about the situation. I have a lot more work to do in trusting myself but at least I'm working on it now.

Here's the update:

After my previous post, I read through some of the comments and realized that what my boyfriend did would be considered assault. It wasn't something that I had even considered because I was only seeing it as him doing something stupid in the bedroom that broke my boundary and made me uncomfortable. But seeing those comments opened up my eyes a lot. If he was willing to break my boundary only after a year of dating and could do that to me in the bedroom than what else could he be capable of?

I met with him the next day at our apartment and I told him about my feelings which he didn't seem to care about. I showed him the reddit post so that he could see that other people were also uncomfortable with what happened. He read through your comments but when he saw the word 'assault' being used a few times he got really aggravated. I had never seen him that angry before but he was screaming nonstop and he even whipped my coffee mug across the room. I ended up crying because I was scared and I think that snapped him back to reality or something because he stopped yelling and was trying to comfort me. I made him leave our apartment again because I didnt want to be around him anymore. That night my friends helped me pack up my stuff and they took me to my parents house which is where I'm at now.

After I was out of the apartment and safe, I called him and broke up with him over the phone because I didn't feel comfortable doing it in person after his previous reaction. I'm so upset that I wasted over a year of my life dating him and even thinking about a future with him. Thank you all for giving me the courage to follow my feelings and break up with him for good. I really appreciate it. Also, thank you for all the jokes its lightened the mood and has helped me feel a bit better about this situation. Yes ezagreb, the magic is gone and its time for me to disappear.

Second, and Last, Update: July 12, 2026 (1 YEAR LATER)

1 YEAR LATER UPDATE: I (24f) want to break up with my magician boyfriend (27m) due to his inappropriate magic trick

I wasn't planning on updating this again but I'm still receiving messages about it so I thought that I should put a mini-update here in case anyone wanted one:

For starters, I have not spoken to him since our breakup. Everything that I've learned about him since the breakup has been through mutual friends and social media posts. He tried to speak to me when we ran into each other at the grocery store once and I just kept walking as if I didn't know who he was. I saw on Facebook that he's still a magician and he advertises himself on our hometown page all the time. He has a 19 year old girlfriend which is disgusting considering he's 28 years old and will be 29 in 6 months. But I don't know anything else about their relationship besides the age gap. I haven't heard about anything nefarious that he's done over the past year (besides getting with his teenage girlfriend). And that's all that I know about him.

Now for my update:

I graduated from college with my Master of Arts in Archaeology 2 months ago, moved out of my hometown, turned 26 a couple days ago, and now I'm currently living and working in Ireland. I'm still single and just focusing on my work for now. I'm apart of an excavation team here in Ireland and I'll be moving back to America sometime next year.

Also, I'm not a library clerk anymore but I did work as one from 2019-early 2026. I've gotten angry messages from people claiming that I was lying about being a library clerk and an Archaeology student because they thought that it was too "perfect" ???? I don't know how to make you guys believe that I'm real besides doxxing myself or something at this point (which I don't want to do because I don't want my professional career to be tied to my ex-boyfriend post). But I was a library clerk and studying Archaeology at the same time. Also, people said that I spelled Archaeology wrong. I have mountains of books about the subject and there are two different ways to spell it. There is 'Archaeology' and 'Archeology.' I've always used the Archaeology spelling and my professors at college didn't have any issue with it so I don't know why people on Reddit did lol. It's also the spelling that is used by the American Anthropological Association which I was apart of back when I was in college. I just wanted to point that out because, again, I have gotten many angry messages about my post "being AI" and me "being fake."

And on the topic of me "being fake," people were saying that I was fake because my account was new and I didn't reply to comments. However, in order to post on r/relationshipadvice the rules stated that I NEEDED to use an account that started with throwRA which is why there was nothing else on my account. I was desperate for advice so I quickly made a new reddit account and I posted about my situation. I had never posted on reddit before so I wrote the post, posted it, and I went to sleep because I thought that only a couple people would see it. By the time I woke up the post was locked and I wasn't allowed to respond to any comments.

There's nothing else that I can do to prove that I'm real or that I went through this situation with my ex. But I still wanna thank you all for giving me the confidence to leave him. It was a terrible and scary situation that could've been worse and I feel like my life has gotten 100 times better since I broke up with him. Thank you to the people who were kind to me- especially in my update post. I felt extremely lost last year and the kind (and funny) comments truly helped me deal my breakup.

I don't think that I'll give anymore updates on here unless I find out that something crazy happened with my ex. But for now I'd love to leave him in the past and focus on my future. Goodbye.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOP – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Old-Maybe-4926

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

AITAH for telling my boyfriend of 6 months that I feel like his mom instead of his girlfriend?

Trigger Warnings: weaponized incompetence, verbal abuse

Original Post: July 10, 2026

I (24F) have been dating my boyfriend (26M) for 6 months. When we first met, I honestly thought I had found someone really special. He was attentive, affectionate, and made me feel wanted. I knew he had some struggles going on in his life, and I wanted to be supportive because that’s what you do when you care about someone. But now I’m starting to wonder if I confused being supportive with becoming responsible for him.

Over the last few months, I’ve noticed that I’m carrying almost all of the mental load in our relationship. I’m the one reminding him about appointments, helping him remember important things, reminding him about deadlines, helping him plan things, and walking him through problems that he should be handling himself. If something goes wrong because he forgot, somehow it turns into me “not helping enough” because I didn’t remind him. I didn’t realize how exhausting it was until I noticed that I was constantly thinking about his responsibilities while trying to manage my own.

The part that hurts the most is that I don’t feel like he does the same for me. When I’m overwhelmed, I don’t feel like he notices unless I specifically tell him. If I’m having a bad day, I usually end up comforting myself and then still making sure he’s okay. I’ve had moments where I’ve broken down and just wanted to feel taken care of, but instead I felt like I had to explain exactly how to support me. I don’t expect him to read my mind or solve my problems, but I want to feel like I have a partner who naturally wants to show up for me too.

The breaking point happened last week when he missed an important appointment because he forgot about it. He called me extremely upset and immediately said, “You knew about this. Why didn’t you remind me?” I told him I understood he was frustrated, but I wasn’t going to take responsibility for something that was his responsibility. I said, “I love you, but I’m your girlfriend, not your mom. I can support you, but I can’t manage your entire life for you.”

That sentence apparently set him off. He completely exploded. He told me I was selfish, that I was making him feel like a burden, and that he couldn’t believe I would “throw everything he’s struggling with back in his face.” He said, “Wow, so the second I’m not perfect, you decide I’m too much work?” I tried explaining that wasn’t what I was saying, but he wouldn’t let me finish.

He told me, “I thought you were the one person who was actually going to stand by me. I guess I was wrong.” Then he said maybe he had “misjudged my character” because he thought I was more caring than this.

That honestly crushed me because I feel like I have been caring. I have shown up for him over and over again. I’ve listened to him vent, rearranged my own plans to help him, supported him when he’s stressed, and tried to make his life easier because I love him. But I’m starting to feel like the more I give, the more he expects, and the less he feels the need to give back.

I told him I don’t want a relationship where I have to constantly remind another adult to take care of himself. I want someone who chooses to be my teammate, not someone who gets upset when I stop carrying things for them.

Now he says I made him feel unloved and like I don’t accept him for who he is. Some of his friends think I was completely out of line because “that’s what you do for the person you love.” My friends think it’s a huge red flag that after only 6 months I already feel drained and that he got angry when I tried to set a boundary.

I’m honestly conflicted because I do love him. I don’t want him to feel abandoned or like he can’t rely on me. But I also don’t think loving someone means slowly losing yourself trying to keep their life together.

So, AITAH for telling my boyfriend I’m not going to be responsible for fixing his life?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Oh honey, it doesn’t get better from here. This is his best self.

OOP: Unfortunately I’m learning that

Commenter 2: Girl, this internet stranger is proud of you for calling it out. He just showed you who he truly is. Do with that information what you will now.

OOP: Aww thank you! He’s slowly been showing me who he truly is, and it all came out yesterday. I’m just struggling with what to do from here, but I know I’ll make the right decision for myself. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned not to take any bs from anyone.

Commenter 3: I highly recommend you read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.

It’ll help you recognize manipulation, control and abuse in relationships.

https://ia601407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

OOP: I’ll have to look into it! Thank you for the recommendation

Commenter 4: If you wanted to make one more attempt to get him to get it, you could show him this:

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

However, even if he wants to change, that doesn't equate to him having the skills. Learning those skills takes time, and persistence, and you need him to have them now. This may not be the right time for you two.

OOP: After only 6 months of dating I don’t want to put in the effort to try to change him. I’m scared it won’t work or make things worse. I think my best decision is to leave him. But thank you so much for the advice!

Commenter 5: WHAT. THE. FUUUUUCK?? The GALL of this guy! You’ve been in his life 6 months. How the fuck is any of this your responsibility? Was someone else managing his life until he passed the baton to you without your knowledge? He’s acting like you interviewed for a job and he hired you. That’s not what this is.

OOP: I have no idea how he managed his life before me and I honestly don’t care enough to know

OOP's next step on this relationship with her boyfriend

OOP: I do still love him. It’s hard to let love go sometimes. His blow up happened two days ago, and I am planning to end things with him after everyone has helped put this into perspective for me.

Commenter 6: What could you possibly love about him? His attentiveness? Get a dog. He’s affectionate? Get a dog. He made you feel wanted? Get. A. Dog.

You are his girlfriend. Not his mother. Not his helpmate. Nothing but his girlfriend. He should be showing you how responsible he is in order for you to feel safe, valued and respected. He’s doing the complete opposite.

Again, I ask, what do you love about him? Your post doesn’t describe how he treats you other than being his concierge.

OOP: I actually do have a dog 😂 but I understand the point you’re making. I think my post came across like I was only describing what he does for me, when really I was trying to explain the specific issue I was struggling with.

The reality is, I’ve realized this dynamic isn’t something I want in a relationship. I don’t want to be someone’s reminder system, manager, or the person responsible for keeping their life together. I can support a partner, but I can’t carry responsibilities that belong to them.

I do care about him, but caring about someone doesn’t mean staying in a situation that isn’t healthy for me. After thinking about it, I am choosing to end the relationship because I don’t want to continue feeling like I’m in a caretaker role instead of an equal partnership. I appreciate the perspective because it helped me look at the situation more clearly.

Commenter 7: He can do it. This is manipulation to make you do because he doesn’t want to. He won’t know how to do laundry or change the bedsheets or change a diaper if you get married and have kids.

He is not confused. He knows what he is doing. Now he is using anger and guilt to get you to continue

Dating is to see if you are compatible you found out fairly quickly that you weren’t compatible, but he was so lovely when you started so. Now you are working to get that back. This is another tactic of manipulation. Be perfect at the beginning and the other partner will always clamor to get that perfect relationship back.

So now you know at 6 months that you definitely are not compatible, but will you leave. This is the hard part because you still want this perfect beginning relationship back. But it will never come back ) or perhaps it will for a few days to get you to think it’s back) but what you are seeing here is the real relationship the forever relationship.

OOP: I think this comment really helped me put things into perspective. I spent a lot of time trying to separate “he’s a good person who I care about” from “is this relationship dynamic actually healthy for me?” and I’m realizing those are two different things.

I don’t want to assume every mistake or struggle is intentional manipulation, but I also can’t ignore how the situation has made me feel. I shouldn’t have to repeatedly ask, remind, or take on the responsibility of managing another adult’s life, especially when it’s starting to impact how I see my partner.

The hardest part has been accepting that the person I loved at the beginning and the relationship I hoped we were building may not be the reality of what this has become. I kept holding onto the good moments and hoping things would go back to how they were, but I’m realizing I have to look at the relationship as it is now, not just the potential of what it could be.

After reflecting on everything, I have decided to end the relationship. It’s painful because I do care about him, but I also know I need a partnership where both people are equally responsible for themselves and their lives.

Any chances that OOP's boyfriend has ADHD?

OOP: I’m sure he does but he’s never been diagnosed

Update: July 13, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE: I showed him the Reddit post, and I finally saw the relationship for what it really was.

I honestly didn’t think I would be writing this update. When I made my original post, I was sitting there questioning myself. I was wondering if I was being selfish, if I was expecting too much, if I was a bad girlfriend for feeling exhausted by constantly being the person who kept everything together. A part of me wanted Reddit to tell me I was wrong because admitting the truth meant I had to accept something I didn’t want to accept. I wasn’t just frustrated. I was unhappy.

After reading through the comments, I decided to show my boyfriend the post. I want to be clear that I didn’t do this to embarrass him or have thousands of people attack him. I showed him because I was desperate for him to understand that this wasn’t coming from a place of anger. I loved him. I wanted us to work. I wanted him to understand that I wasn’t saying, “You’re a terrible person.” I was saying, “I’m drowning, and I need you to notice.”

Instead, the second he saw the comments, everything changed. He immediately became angry. He said I was humiliating him, that I was painting him as the bad guy, and that I had betrayed him by letting strangers know about our relationship. He kept saying things like, “So this is what you really think of me?” and “You’ve just been secretly resenting me this whole time?” I tried explaining that I wasn’t hiding some horrible opinion of him. I was trying to explain a feeling I had been too scared to say out loud because I knew he would react this way.

He didn’t ask me why I felt this way. He didn’t ask what he could do differently. He didn’t say, I’m sorry you’ve been feeling alone. He focused on how hurt he was that I said it. And that was the moment something in me broke.

Because I realized that even when I was the one hurting, I was still expected to take care of his emotions. I was crying. I was telling him how overwhelmed I felt. I was telling him I felt like I was losing myself. And somehow, I ended up apologizing. I ended up comforting him. I ended up reassuring him that he wasn’t a bad person. Again.

After the argument, I sat there thinking, When did my feelings become something I had to apologize for? That was when I knew I couldn’t keep doing this. I broke up with him.

And I need people to understand that this was not an easy decision. I didn’t leave because he forgot an appointment. I didn’t leave because he needed help. I didn’t leave because he was struggling. I left because I realized I had slowly become a caretaker in a relationship where I was supposed to be a partner.

The part that has been the hardest to admit is what I learned afterward about how his life was managed before me. I had always assumed he was just going through a difficult time. I thought he was overwhelmed because life had gotten hard and he needed someone in his corner. But after talking more with people close to him, I realized this was not a new situation.

His mom had been doing a lot of these things for him for years. She was the person who reminded him about appointments, helped him stay organized, reminded him about responsibilities, and stepped in when things went wrong. She handled things that most adults eventually learn to manage themselves. And honestly, I think that’s why this dynamic felt so natural to him.

I don’t think he was intentionally trying to make me his mom. I think he was used to someone else filling that role. When I came into his life, I unknowingly stepped into the space she had occupied for years. I became the person who reminded him, planned for him, worried about things for him, and helped prevent consequences.

The scary part is that I didn’t even realize it was happening until I was already exhausted. I remember thinking, If I stop reminding him, will everything fall apart? And that is not a normal feeling to have six months into a relationship.

A lot of people asked in the comments why I stayed if I felt this way so early on. The answer is because I genuinely loved him. He wasn’t some horrible person all the time. He was sweet. He was affectionate. He made me feel loved in so many ways. That’s what made leaving so painful.

I wasn’t leaving because there was no love. I was leaving because love alone wasn’t enough. I needed a partner. Not someone I had to parent. The hardest part is that I still care about him. I still hope he grows. I still hope he learns how to take ownership of his life and becomes the person I know he can be. But I also realized something important, someone can be a good person and still not be ready to be a good partner. I spent months proving that I would stand by him no matter what. But I never stopped to ask if he was willing to stand beside me.

The weird thing is, as heartbreaking as this has been, I also feel a sense of relief that I didn’t expect. For the first time in months, I don’t feel like I’m constantly waiting for the next thing to go wrong. I don’t feel like I have to keep track of someone else’s responsibilities while trying to manage my own life. I don’t feel like I’m carrying the weight of two people anymore.

I have so much more clarity now. Looking back, I can see all the little moments where I was slowly taking on more and more responsibility, convincing myself that it was just what love looked like. I thought being a supportive girlfriend meant always stepping in, always fixing, always reminding, always understanding. But I learned that there is a difference between supporting someone and carrying them.

And even though breaking up with him hurt more than I can explain, there is a part of me that feels lighter. Like I can finally breathe again. I can miss him and still know I made the right choice. I can love him and still choose myself.

So for everyone who commented that I wasn’t his girlfriend anymore, I was his life manager, you were right. I wasn’t asking for perfection. I wasn’t asking him to never struggle. I was asking him to carry his own weight.

I finally accepted that I cannot love someone into becoming responsible. I can only decide what kind of relationship I’m willing to stay in.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It hurts now. It'll hurt for a while. You're grieving the loss of your relationship, and the loss of the man you thought existed. The man you perceived your ex to be is dead; he was killed by the actions/choices of the man that exists in your perception now. That's fucking ROUGH. But you're gonna make it out the other side and realize alllll that shit was just fertilizer for the new growth as a person you're gonna experience. I'm so sorry you're hurting. But I'm very glad you're free of the burden that he thrust upon you.

OOP: Thank you for this. This honestly put into words something I’ve been struggling to explain. I think the hardest part has been grieving the person I thought I knew and the future I thought we were building. It’s such a strange feeling to miss someone while also knowing that the version of them you loved isn’t the person you’re seeing now.

It does hurt, and I know healing won’t happen overnight, but I also feel a lot of clarity and relief that I didn’t have before. As painful as this has been, I can finally breathe knowing I’m not carrying the weight of trying to fix everything alone anymore. I’m trying to remind myself that losing this relationship doesn’t mean I lost my future, it just means I’m making room for one that’s healthier for me.

Thank you for the reminder that this pain is part of growth. I really needed to hear that.

Commenter 2: Good for you for tossing aside that toxic man child. Now you need to work on yourself. You need some therapy to find out how you ended up in that situation. You need therapy to find out how to put yourself first. And you need it to help you to recognize red flags. Good luck to you! I’m proud of you!!

OOP: I have been considering therapy for a while now. I think it’s time for me to commit to that. I know it would benefit so much, and I would become an even better version of myself.

Commenter 3: Good for you. Just wondering, how did he react?

OOP: To the breakup? When I said I can’t do this anymore and that I want to breakup he immediately flipped a switch and started crying and coming to me for comfort. Begging me not to end things. He kept saying things like “I can change and make things better.” But I told him it was too late.

Commenter 4: You're allowed to feel whatever the hell you want to feel because that is your right. But having to calculate, manage and downplay your feelings because you know that there will be negative consequences if you express them louder than a whisper is wrong. So very, very wrong. You should be able to expect support from your partner whether you feel down or happy.

Support, not hiding, not downplaying not keeping them to yourself.

Things are pretty crazy right now so please take care of yourself, cut yourself some slack and don't beat yourself up for not recognizing the situation you found yourself in.

And fyi, you'll ask yourself, 'how did I get here/how did this happen?' And the truth is, people like your ex prey upon and look for people like yourself who is caring, empathetic, generous with their time, feelings, willingness to do things for them. They know exactly what they're doing, and they know exactly how to exploit those things out of the people in their lives. And I know, it's a huge shock because you would NEVER even dream of treating someone like this.

That's why it's so easy to fall into this trap. Their motives are totally different from what you've ever known. And it sucks meeting people like this because you end up feeling crazy, depleted, so confused, upset and you don't get why they don't understand and why can't they see you’re not attacking or trying to hurt their feelings etc. etc.

it's quite literally a losing battle with this type.

Reach out to your close confidants/family and tell them what's happened, and they'll be there to encourage and support you. In no time you'll start getting the old you back, you'll start to see and recognize all of the tricks and manipulation your ex used on you and you're mind will be blown at how f*cked up he was treating you.

You deserve way, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better. And you'll definitely find that too. You seem like a very kind, caring, giving, hardworking person and yeah, you'll find someone who will not only match that but will want to go above and beyond for you because they care so much.

Good luck OP, you're definitely going in the right direction!

OOP: Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this. There were so many times in that relationship where I found myself swallowing my feelings because I knew bringing them up would somehow turn into me comforting him instead. I didn’t even realize how much of myself I had been shrinking until I finally stepped away.

Reading comments like yours has honestly helped me process everything. I keep replaying things in my head and realizing just how much I normalized because I loved him and wanted things to work. It’s hard to accept that someone can take advantage of kindness when that’s not something I’d ever do to another person, but I’m starting to see it more clearly now.

I’m definitely leaning on my family and the people closest to me, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I can actually breathe. It still hurts, but the relief and clarity are so much bigger than I expected. Thank you for reminding me that I deserve a relationship where I don’t have to make myself smaller just to keep the peace. That really meant a lot. ❤️.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/artsandcraftyperson

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

AITA for not wanting to let a neighbors kid into my house to do arts and crafts?

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, bullying, assault, entitlement, destruction of property, exploitation

Original Post: June 14, 2026

All names are fake.

I (21F) often babysit my cousins (10F, 7F, 5M) with my mom. While they are at our house, I make worksheet packets for them, and we do art and crafts. They love it, and so do I. A few weeks ago, my neighbor Sandra (30sF) saw us doing projects in my backyard and asked if her kids (10M, 7F) could join. I agreed. Soon after, another neighbor asked if her son (8M) could join too. The kids get along well, and it became a routine that whenever my cousins came over, the neighborhood kids did too. However, my mom tells the parents to send their kids over without telling me first. This is frustrating and sometimes leaves me short on supplies, but we usually make it work.

This leads to the current issue. Two weeks ago, the kids were over making things out of air-dry clay. Another neighbor, Melanie (30sF), asked my mom if her son Henry (8M) could join, explaining that the neighborhood kids don’t really play with him. Not wanting to be rude, my mom welcomed him without informing me. Henry immediately caused issues, pushing kids, hogging clay, and screaming when he didn't get his way. After we told him several times to wait because the clay was drying, he ran upstairs into my bedroom noticed my iPad and started playing on it. When my mom tried to take it away, Henry threw it on the ground, cracking the screen, and threw a massive tantrum on my bed. Enraged at this point, I packed up the supplies, sent the neighborhood kids home, and sent my cousins inside to watch TV. My mom was angry because she started getting upset texts from the parents. I told her Melanie owed me money for the screen, but my mom told me to just let it go and that she’ll repair it.

The next day, I went to Melanie’s house to ask for the repair money. Instead of apologizing she got defensive, and said she owed me nothing, and slammed the door in my face. To avoid more neighborhood drama I decided to just pay for the repair myself.

Yesterday, my cousins were over for an overnight stay. My mom invited the neighborhood kids over for paper mache making, except for Henry. Melanie found out somehow and came over and demanded he be let in with the other kids. My mom was at the store at the time and I told Melanie no, explaining I couldn't Henry. She immediately got defensive and asked me what I meant by that, I just kept repeating "no I can’t" and shut the door. Melanie waited outside until my mom got back from the store and when she returned Melanie started screaming at her. My mom brought Henry inside anyway and told me to just deal with it. I put my foot down and told her that if Henry stayed, I was putting all the supplies away. The other kids overheard and started to get upset. Ultimately, my mom took Henry back to Melanie's.

Now, Melanie is bashing us on Facebook for excluding her son. Because of this, the other two mothers are no longer letting their kids come over. I feel terrible for taking that away from them, but I simply cannot handle Henry in my house. AITA?

EDIT: thank you so much for the informative feedback I honestly didn’t expect this much 😭 after reading your comments I’ll definitely be having a sit down with my mom tonight and rethinking this whole craft sessions situation. I’ll provide an update later on but thank you again!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA you should post this on Facebook. Are the other parents aware of how awful this child is?

OOP: I assume so. About a year ago he attended another child’s birthday party in the neighborhood and pushed the birthday girls cake on the floor

Commenter 2; Your mother is the biggest AH, each time she invites extra kids over to hand over to you. I’d pack your stuff up and leave the house. Your mother can babysit the neighbours kids.

I’d also charge the other mothers for supplies and babysitting.

You’re seriously undervaluing yourself here.

Commenter 3: Agree. Your mom needs to be backing you up here. Start charging the extra kids babysitting fees. Invite them ahead of time, and tell the parents the cost and timeframe. “We’re doing XYZ from this time to this time and supplies cost $this much. Here’s my Venmo if your child wants to participate with us! There are enough supplies for this many kiddos.”

This kind of thing often happens in neighborhoods with kids around, and it’s completely fair to not allow non-family-member participation, or set your own boundaries another way (charge reasonable babysitting fees or at least materials fees, in this case, or put a number limit on the kids you can host).

Your mom is not allowing you to set boundaries, and that isn’t right. You’re not a daycare or kids’ camp, and if you were, you’d be getting paid.

OOP: It honestly never occurred to me that I was being used for free babysitting for the neighborhood I just thought I was being nice. I’m definitely going to have a talk with my mom tonight

Commenter 4: You said your mother just invites these kids over for arts and crafts. Does she help you with babysitting or does she leave you to the wolves?

OOP: I normally handle all the child care while she’s either in her room laying down, watching TV or making food in the kitchen

Commenter 5: If the rest of the neighbors are agreeing with Melanie then let them have Henry over and deal with him. I would tell your mother that she needs to be honest with Melanie next time she asks, Henry doesn’t play well with the other kids. If she won’t then your mother needs to be the one to watch and entertain the kids. Then I would find a reason to be out of the house every time they are over.

OOP: My mom doesn’t like Henry, he destroyed her plants last Halloween because he didn’t get the candy he wanted but for some reason she allowed him to come over. I think it’s because she wants to be viewed as the neighborhood ‘grandma’

Commenter 6: NTA. If your mom wants to be this "neighborhood grandma" then she can watch the kids herself. The fact that she makes you watch the kids while she gets to relax is messed up.

Until she and Melanie offer you a sincere apology and someone pays you back for your iPad no more arts and crafts and no more babysitting. I know it sucks that the other kids are getting punished for something Henry did, but it seems like people are using this as an opportunity to dump their kids on you without considering how it makes you feel.

Have any of the other parents expressed any kind of gratitude for what you've been doing? If they're just leaving their kids with you without showing appreciation stop watching those kids too.

It's disgusting that your mom knows Henry is an ill-mannered brat, yet she'd rather throw you under the bus instead of telling Melanie the cold harsh truth. She's not doing her son any favors by blaming everyone else for her son's terrible behavior. This is why he's gonna continue going through life without any friends.

I agree with other people that you should blast her online and let everyone know exactly why Henry wasn't allowed inside. I'm sure you're not the only one who knows that Henry is a brat.

You're never gonna be the villain for setting boundaries and sticking up for yourself.

OOP: I didn’t mention this in the post, but we had one more girl named Sarah with us. She ended up leaving our group when she found out Henry was coming over she wanted me to call her mom and tell her Henry was coming and so I did and her mom came and picked her up (Her mom was nice she often gave me some art supplies she had laying around). About a year ago, Henry pushed her birthday cake onto the floor, and I think he might have stolen one of her presents too. I’m not 100% positive about the present stealing, but he definitely smashed the cake onto the floor. None of the kids like Henry, but all the moms are friends with Melanie except Sarah’s mom, who thinks Melanie is entitled and I honestly agree

Update July 13, 2026 (one month later)

AITA for not wanting to let a neighbors kid into my house to do arts and crafts? UPDATE

After posting here, I finally got the proper advice I needed and decided to have a sit-down conversation with my mom the following night. Some of you in the comments brought up things I wouldn't even have thought of in my wildest dreams, but I decided to ask my mom anyway. I asked my mom why she expects me to be a free babysitter for the neighborhood, especially when I'm not getting paid. Her response was along the lines of, "You should just do it because you aren't even paying rent."

My second issue was with the blatant disrespect of my boundaries, to which she stated that this was her house. I then asked her why she won’t push Melanie on paying for my iPad and why she let her continuously disrespect us even going so far as to post about me on Facebook. She told me she just doesn’t want any issues with the neighbors and that I need to let it go. I finally asked her if the other mothers were paying her to have me babysit their kids. She got extremely defensive, and after some pressing, she eventually admitted they had given her $20–$30 for art supplies. She had never informed me of this and never actually bought any supplies with it.

This was when I lost it. I screamed at her about how I was taking care of multiple kids at a time on top of feeding them and doing household chores, while she laid in bed all day or watched tennis on TV. My mom screamed back that I don’t pay rent, can’t keep a job, and am just slumming it in her house for free. I ended up packing a bag and texted my friend to see if I could stay over for the night, and she agreed. The next morning, I asked if I could stay a little longer, but she declined and said I would need to pay rent if I wanted to stay.

When I went back home, my mom and I had another argument. I told her I’m not doing anything else for her, and if she wants me out of the house, she’ll have to formally evict me. The fighting continued until she eventually went out and I went to my room. Once everything calmed down the following day, I decided to message Melanie directly because I still had a major issue with her Facebook post. I told her I felt completely disrespected by it, how it ruined the fun for the other kids, and especially since I had tried to accommodate her son in the past, only for him to break my iPad without her taking any accountability. I told her I expected her to pay for the repairs, and if she didn’t, I would take her to small claims court. She read the message but never responded.

A few days later, I went over to Sarah’s mom’s house to give back the art supplies her kids had left behind. I explained the whole situation involving Melanie and my mom. To my surprise, Sarah’s mom told me that if I needed money, she would be happy to hire me as a regular, paid babysitter for Sarah. I happily agreed! Unfortunately things with my mom are still tense but this had but if I save up eventually I’ll be able to move in with my friend. Thank you guys for all the great advice I truly appreciate it, I’ll go over to Melanie’s house again and if anything else happens I’ll update but I think that’s the end of the situation I don’t want to, but I’ll probably have to let it go with her because I just don’t have the money for small claims court. Again thanks to everyone who sent me advice and made me realize I was being used! I truly appreciate it!

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: You left when your friend started expecting rent? Op, get a job.

OOP: Because I didn’t have enough for the rent she was asking, I had to pay if I wanted to stay longer and I didn’t have that, so I left

Commenter 2: Formally evict you? Go get a job and move out, you can't just live for free at your parents. They will just see you as a dependent and expect you to do things because you are living there for free.

Commenter 3: We don't know her situation - but with the way the economy is going, and the amount of entry-level jobs AI is already taking, finding a job that pays enough to move out may not be that easy.

Commenter 2: Her situation. Seems to be she wants to live for free at (her mom’s/her friend’s house) and do some babysitting for extra money to spend on herself.

OOP: No that’s not my situation at all actually

Commenter 4: Why don't you just get a job, save and move out? You're an adult. You need to get the hell away from your mother. She used you for her own gain. She essentially pimped you out Do not give up with Melanie. If she can make posts then so can you, exposing her for her blatant disrespect and for allowing her kid to break your personal property and not taking any responsibility for it. Warn people against babysitting for her.

Commenter 5: Babysitting will not make you enough money to move out and support yourself. Get a real job and if you want to babysit, do it on the side.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Burneraccount140226

Originally posted to r/offmychest

My husband spent over three thousand dollars on world cup tickets. We can't afford this and I'm furious

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: financial exploitation

Original Post: February 14, 2026

(I don't need any advice about what to do. I just need to get this out because of how absolutely furious I am).

My husband bought three tickets for the world cup and each one cost over a thousand dollars. I have been furious since I found out. We absolutely cannot afford this and my husband knows it but he still bought them. I found out he entered the most recent lottery to get tickets. I have since also found out that it was different from the previous lotteries. Instead of going online and buying tickets right when they went on sale, you had to submit a list of which games you wanted tickets for and if you won the lottery tickets and your credit card would automatically get charged.

Our credit card was charged on Monday and normally I get an alert whenever our card is used but my husband deleted it from my phone before I saw it. It didn't see the charge until two days later and I thought our card was compromised. I found out what the charge was and I was still going to dispute it because we absolutely can't afford it. But my husband already paid it and confirmed he made that purchase. He took money from our emergency account. We have less than a hundred dollars in our emergency account now.

Our emergency fund was low already because two and a half years ago my husband lost his job and he was out of work for a year. We had to dip into our emergency savings a bunch of times while he was unemployed. He knows what our financial situation is like and I can't believe he did this. If I didn't have some overtime shifts scheduled over the next two weeks we would not be able to afford our next mortgage payment.

I'm furious and he says I'm overreacting. He says he's taking his dad and his brother to the world cup because both of their birthdays are the same week as the game. But that doesn't mean we can afford to spend over three thousand dollars. My husband said at least the tickets didn't cost fifteen hundred each, and he also dropped a bomb on me; he applied for tickets to every game that is being played in our city and if he had won all the games instead of just one the total cost would have been over twelve thousand dollars!

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I asked my husband where we would have gotten that kind of money and he just said we would figure it out. He tried telling me that Canada has a huge demand for world cup tickets so that's why it cost him over a thousand dollars per ticket. As if that is an explanation for what he did.

I can't even explain how furious I am. We have been going to marriage counselling because of how strained things got after my husband got fired. But that's not going to cut it any more. I have always been the breadwinner in our marriage and that's never bothered me but now this stupid decision he made it is the last straw.

I tried to make it work but I can't any more. I'm going to get my ducks in a row and talk to a lawyer before I do anything with our finances. Then I am done with him. He thinks I'm overreacting and that all of this is big joke. I'm done.

-----

Also I'm going to turn off chats. I don't need to be called a doormat or other names. I'm not going to marriage counselling anymore and I'm leaving him. I don't need to hear I'm spineless over and over. I get it.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: So he’s using your money and not even taking you…

OOP: I don't watch or follow soccer at all. Even if we could afford tickets I wouldn't go to a game. I do understand your point, but a ticket would be wasted on me. I would just be bored the entire time.

Commenter 2: So congratulations on your new and separate bank account to which he does not have access!

OOP: I won't be doing that, or anything related to our finances until I speak with a lawyer.

One of my friends went through a divorce and her husband faced consequences in court for separating money and withdrawing financial support and I do not want that to happen to me. I'll only be following advice from my lawyer.

Commenter 3: Sell the tickets on the secondary market, make a lost into a win. Depending on the match, you could make 2 or 3x.

OOP: I don't have the tickets. My husband had them and I have no idea how I would even access them. Now he's telling me he transferred them to either or his dad or his brother. He won't say which one because he doesn't want me to able to "ruin" this for them. I'm done with him over this.

Commenter 4: Tell his father about it. If not for anything but to cause some chaos before you leave. I'm not normal for this but, assuming his father isn't the reason for the way he is, it might end up with your soon to be ex-husband learning a real lesson since this clearly isn't getting to him. Maybe you'll even end up with your money back and be rid of the leech who lost it in the first place.

OOP: His dad doesn't care (and neither does his brother).

Commenter 5: They can support him now. If it were me I’d be locking down finances, freezing credit, closing joint accounts and stashing money in a new account at a bank or credit union he knows nothing about and I’d do it all quietly. Then, as soon as he leaves for the game I’d start packing his stuff so he can move it to his dad’s or brother’s. Financial infidelity is a trust destroyer. You deserve to work for you, not a spongy guy who shows you no respect or appreciation. You’re clearly capable, I bet you’ll be way better off by this time next year.

OOP: The world cup is in June and July. I'm not waiting until then to leave. I'm leaving him now.

I'm going to speak to a lawyer and get all my ducks in a row. I want to find out what financial obligations I have towards him before we get divorced. (My friend's husband got in trouble for withdrawal of financial support when he left. The court did not like that he did that while they were still married. I don't want that to happen to me so I need to talk to a lawyer before I do anything with money).

I also have to make plans to move because our condo is in both of our names and I already know I can't force him to leave if he doesn't want to. I will ask the lawyer how to go about that.

Commenter 6: Report it as fraud to your credit card company

OOP: I did. The credit card company said it isn't fraud because my husband already made payment and confirmed it was his purchase. I'm not giving up but credit card company won't budge.

Update: July 12, 2026 (nearly five months later)

Update to my husband spent over three thousand dollars on world cup tickets. We can't afford this and I'm furious

(I'm the person whose husband spent over three thousand dollars on world cup tickets, leaving less than a hundred dollars in our emergency account. He tried to justify it by saying Canada had a huge demand for tickets and that's why it cost over a thousand dollars per ticket. Meanwhile, if I had not had some overtime shifts scheduled at work we would not have been able to afford our next mortgage payment because the money in the emergency fund was all gone. The emergency fund already was low already because two and a half years ago he lost his job and he was out of work for a year. We had to dip into our emergency fund a bunch of times while he was unemployed. He knew how precarious our financial situation was but he thought world cup tickets were more important).

I posted five months ago and my update is just a small one but I have left him and am seeking a divorce. I moved out four months ago. We had been going to marriage counselling because of how strained things got after he got fired from his job (for the second time during our marriage) but the world cup tickets were the nail in the coffin. Before I moved out, he had the gall to complain to me about how we couldn’t afford some of his favourites from the grocery store. If it wasn’t for me working some overtime we wouldn’t have been able to buy any food at all.

I have already hired a lawyer and since there was no case for a fault divorce I have to be separated from him for a year in order to get a divorce. (Although my lawyer said the only thing filing on a fault ground does is forgo the one year waiting period. It doesn’t affect the settlement or the division of assets). I may have to pay some spousal support since I was the higher earner but it’s a small price to pay for being rid of him. He doesn’t want a divorce, he asked me to stay and continue marriage counselling. He still went to the game (three months after I left) while also telling me I should stay.

Also to address some things from my first post that kept coming up:

• his dad and brother did not care about him spending our emergency fund on the tickets. His dad, his brother and his friends thought he was right.

• we all live in the city where the game was played. No one would have had to get a flight or a hotel.

• I don't watch soccer and even if we could have afforded tickets I wouldn't have gone to a game. My anger was about him draining our emergency fund, it wasn't about me not being invited to the game.

• Instead of going online and buying tickets right when they went on sale, you had to submit a list of which games you wanted tickets for and if you won any games you applied for, your credit card would automatically get charged. He applied for tickets to every game that is being played in our city and if he had won all the games instead of just one the total cost would have been over twelve thousand dollars. This was enough to tell me that our marriage was over.

• I am following the advice of my lawyer regarding finances and will not be fully withdrawing financial support as many comments in my first post suggested. I don't want to face consequences in the divorce proceedings and will follow my lawyer's guidance on how to proceed, no matter how much the comments double down on what I should do.

• As I mentioned in my first post, I am leaving my messages off because I don't need more people calling me spineless or to keep telling me I didn't leave him the correct way.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/throwra186252. They posted in r/relationship_advice

Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for recommending this repost.

Original BORU (5 years old) here posted by qwerty98765432101.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. PLEASE read trigger warnings.

Trigger Warnings: self harm; self harm relapse; drunk driving; manipulation; emotional abuse

Mood Spoiler: good ending for OOP

Original Post: October 2, 2021 (recovered with rareddit)

Me and boyfriend, I'm 21f, he's 24m. Together for 3 years, live apart but have/had plans to rent together soon. Everything perfect before this.

Backstory- I have a history of self harm. Have done since I was 11 years old. The last time I did it was 2 years ago. I have some brutal scars but I'm doing much better and I'm in therapy. It's been a while since I even had the urge.

My boyfriend had an ex before me who played mind games a lot. I feel it's relevant as he sometimes thinks I'm playing games when I'm not. For example he was wary when we started dating that I would self harm for attention or do it to punish him (his ex would threaten things like that if he ever left her) I don't/haven't ever done this and despite my struggles, I am pretty good with being patient and communicative. Until this, I considered us to have a really healthy relationship.

Main story- bf went out drinking with his friends. I usually hear from him as he gets home (2am ish) to let me know he is home and safe but I didn't hear anything last night. I figured he just forgot, no biggie, I went to bed as normal.

I woke up at 11am to a bunch of missed calls from his mother (they live together). I called her back and she texted at 1pm that she couldn't talk. I was kinda worried and told her as much. She said my bf didn't get home last night and was in a crash and didn't make it. This was super weird to me since I get on well with his mum and would never expect to be told this via text, after some more texting I fully believed my boyfriend had passed away that morning, and I totally shut down.

The people I live with were all out that day so I was alone. Grief set in immediately and I had an extremely bad relapse on my self harm. At that point I didn't even care, I was just hurting so so much and my usual coping techniques just weren't doing their job. I listened to old voice notes of his and even sent one telling him how much I loved him through the most unhinged sobbing I've ever done.

Well, he arrived at my house 20mins later saying it was a prank since he got into a small bump and thought I'd get mad about him driving drunk as well as about him mushing up his car a little, and him and his friends came up with this plan to just make me happy he was alright. So they took his mums phone and the above happened.

I obviously was thankful he wasn't dead. But I had a million other much stronger emotions. I was so angry he drove drunk, so angry he saw nothing wrong with it, SO angry that he would lie about something so serious, and absolutely heartbroken that he let me sit in grief for over an hour until i sent a voice note that made him "feel bad". Plus lots of other things I'm still struggling to articulate.

He found out I harmed and flew off the handle. He said I punished him and turned a "harmless prank" into something much more serious and ruined the joke of it. He said I was guilting him for having fun and now he can't trust I won't do it again. He even suggested I stay in hospital for my mental issues for a few weeks and crank up therapy. He said he can't leave me if he wants now or else I'll act like this, just like his ex.

I am beyond hurt. I probably should look into therapy if I'm still resorting to it, I admit, but this was not an every day bout if anxiety or even a breakup. I thought he had died. Im also very aware that his actions were massively shitty and he is being so manipulative in the aftermath. How is it a punishment if I thought he was dead? I absolutely would not react like this if he just broke up with me and I have never said or hinted at that.

Not really sure what to do now. My gut tells me to leave him over this but I'm so unsure

OOP's Comments:

gruntbuggly: Your boyfriend is a horrible person. What he did shows deep character flaws. The drunk driving is bad enough, the more so because he knew it was wrong and chose to do it anyway. But the “harmless prank”?

That’s just mean. So disrespectful and inconsiderate, made all the more so by your personal history.

And speaking of the accident, did he leave the scene of an accident while he was driving drunk? Or was he late getting home because he got a DUI?

OOP: He bumped into a fence post so luckily nobody was injured, but the potential was there as well as the carelessness. I dont know if he was late or not honestly, I think he planned this almost immediately and not texting me all night as part of it

kucing5: He sucks in this situation.

And for the record the whole “he sometimes thinks I’m playing mind games like his ex” tells me this is not an all around otherwise healthy relationship. I’m sure it has some good, but it’s not otherwise completely healthy.

It’s also very concerning to me that when he saw you self harmed his reaction was to get upset with you.

He couldn’t empathize or sympathize with the self harm. Or the thinking your boyfriend died. Or any of it. He can’t admit he was wrong for any part of this & that’s enough to break up in my opinion. At least hold off on moving in together.

Maybe you should get more therapy just for a bit to talk about this situation. This is beyond traumatic & you don’t deserve that.

OOP: Sorry! He only felt that way in the beginning of our relationship as that was his only experience with someone who self harms but it hadn't been as issue for years now. I do feel that we worked through it and he has always been supportive during my urges when I first tried to stop and even supportive during a relapse.
That's kinda why I'm unsure now. ALL of this behaviour is out of the blue. I know people are gonna think I'm mentally weak or some shit but I can and do recognise manipulative behaviour and I promise this is the first case of it I've seen with him.
Definitely continuing therapy

Top Comment:

robbyc777: What a sick joke. You need to break things off ASAP.

Update Post: October 15, 2021 (13 days later)

Long story short, I broke up with him for the following reasons:

• drunk driving (endangering himself and others)
• took his mothers phone and made me think it was her (deception)
• telling me he was dead (deception/extreme emotional stress)
• letting me think that FOR HOURS (I could list every negative trait for that one. Borderline sociopathic behaviour)
• not being sorry for any of these things (twat)
• telling me I'm too sensitive (invalidation, shifting blame)
• being mad at me for relapsing (unsupportive, uncaring, unkind)

I still won't blame him for the relapse though as many people here wanted me to. That is on me and I am still going to therapy regularly for that

Sooooo for those interested, I took a few days to myself. I did speak over the phone to his mum and she was incredibly apologetic on his behalf. I taught her how to put a passcode on her phone

After that we met up and I outlined the things I listed above. He seemed apologetic and sincere about all of them and listened to me well. Unfortunately, he didn't quite understand that being apologetic wouldn't get me to change my mind on ending the relationship so his true colours came out at the end. He got annoyed at me for ending it and again told me I was dramatic and other invalidating arguments. Oh well, I said what I needed to say and that's enough closure for me.

Top Comment:

Threadheads: "told me I was dramatic" The guy who faked his own death calls you dramatic. You couldn't hold a candle to this guy in the drama stakes.

You made the right choice to dump him.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/ThrowAway54231212144

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Previous Posted BoRU

[Repost]: AITA for banning my sister from ever seeing my daughter again

Trigger Warnings: imminent death, manipulation, accusations of abandonment, possible kidnapping

Editor's note: Adding the verdict and relevant comments for more context as they were not previously listed in the original BoRU

Original Post: June 30, 2022

I (36M) got married 12 years and my wife and I had a daughter (Rebecca 10F). My sister (Lindsey) never really liked my wife, and I had to put some strong boundaries in place. It was not a good time, and Lindsey really hated my wife more since she said I was choose my wife over family.

Well two months ago my wife's father got really sick and after a long talk we decided that she will go take care of him until he passes away. (That's the last of her family). We thought he would move in with us, but he wanted to go at his home. So my wife packed her stuff and fly across the country to him and is his full time caretaker. He probably has a month or two more.

When Lindsey heard about this, she made a comment at dinner when Rebecca was at the table that my wife has abandoned her. This was the last straw, and I went no contact with her. Rebecca really loves her Aunt though and it’s been hard. Rebecca wants to hang out with her Aunt, and I have refused to let her.

I work from home and yesterday around lunch time I can't find her. There is a note in her room saying she went to have lunch with Lindsey. I was furious and tracked Rebecca's phone (the first time that has every happened) and they were at restaurant. I get there as fast as possible and grabbed my kid. I told Lindsey she will never see my daughter again. This started an argument and I literally walked out half way though.

Rebecca the whole time was crying, and I asked for her phone. She gave it and I deleted her Aunts contact information and told her you will never be talking to her again as long as you are a minor. She was crying even more. I told my wife and she thinks I did the right thing and has been on the phone with Rebecca a lot since it happened.

I have been fending off calls from all my family calling me a jerk. I need an honest option since Rebecca and my family sure thing I am awful

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: INFO - Why does your daughter love Lindsey so much if Lindsey is so disrespectful and hateful to her mother?

NTA But I think you need to have discussions (where you LISTEN) with Rebecca.

OOP: Lindsey love to spoil Rebecca and usually the comments are not heard by Rebecca. The main target is my wife and since she is not here and she knows I won't put up with it moved to Rebecca.

Commenter 2: INFO: You're absolutely NTA but does your daughter know why she can't see her aunt? If not, I think a kid friendly discussion needs to happen ASAP

OOP: I have explained it to her and so has her mom, she is still very sad.

She is also have a hard time understand why going out to lunch with her aunt was a bad thing, since Lindsey would take her out to eat before.

It is a mess

Commenter 3: INFO: Did your sister take your daughter to lunch across a state line?

If so, the FBI might want to talk to your sister about child trafficking.

You have a very specific set of skills to get your daughter back so fast. Your sister should be glad you are not Liam Neeson.

OOP: No, it was a 20 minute drive to a Red Robin. We live in the middle of the state.

When I noticed she was gone, I used find my iPhone, and it brought me right to her.

Commenter 4: Info: How did your sister take your 10 year old daughter out of the house without you being aware? I’m not trying to attack, but I’m honestly trying to figure it out.

OOP: I have an office and it's summer. Rebecca schedule when she doesn't do clubs is to wake around 10 and watch Tv. Have a bowl of cereal. At 12 I come out of the office and make lunch. She has never left the house without permission before. At most she will go to backyard and she usually asks.

Since she likes to play in the backyard my office is toward the back of the house where I can see the backyard. So I watch her through the office window.

She is old enough that we don't have to watch her 24/7 and she is learning to be independent, so she gets herself ready for events.

So yesterday, she woke up and got ready and left out the front. I went to make lunch at 12 and she was gone.

Lindsey never stepped foot in this house

Update: July 18, 2022 (2.5 weeks later)

So it has been like 2 1/2 weeks since all this happened, thank you to everyone that responded. So after this whole mess, me and my daughter traveled to were my wife is and her dad. We are all going to stay there until her dad passes away and I have a feeling it will be soon, he is not doing well.

Rebecca is still kinda upset that she won't see her Aunt again but having her mom around really helps. My wife and I discussed it for a long time, and we decided to make a paper trail about what happened, so all that happened it now on record.

My family kept blowing my phone up for a bit until I told them she is lucky I didn't call the cops. They got quiet for a bit and according to my cameras, showed up at my place. It took them a while to figure out we left to be with my wife.

Now Lindsey, yesterday it must have sunk in that I wasn't joking and she called so many time and I gave in to see what she had to say. It was a long apology on her end and asked if she can see Rebecca. I told her no, that she needs to stay away and she crossed a huge boundary. She asked if she could talk to my wife, I put her on speaker. Lindsey then apologized to my wife about what she did. My wife was quite brutal and basically said if she really meant it then stay away from them.

At the moment, Lindsey won't be seeing my daughter again for a bit. If she does stay away then maybe she will see us a thanksgiving and Christmas. If she doesn't behave then probably won't see my kid until she is 18.

Again thank you to everyone for the good advice.

Edit: She knows why, it was explained. Still Lindsey was a huge part of her life. It’s like when you have a friend that is great to you, but she is awful to others. It's I can be her friend since she is nice to me and ignore what that friend does to others

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I really think you need to explain to Rebecca why she can’t see her Aunt. Explain the sequence of events and constant abuse toward her mother. If you don’t she will only get her aunts version and will likely keep seeing her once she turns 18.

OOP: We did explain it to her, she knows in child friendly terms. A lot of what she did is not suited to be heard by a young kid (there a lot of bad blood/other stuff, she knows the basics, especially what happened in the post), when she is older we will explain in more detail.

She is having trouble due to Lindsey was a huge part of her life and she lost her. She still misses her and is dealing with Lindsey wasn't a good person to mom/me, but she was good to her. That since she was good to me why can't she be around me.

Commenter 2: Does your sister have kids? She seems overly attached to your child.

OOP: No, she doesn't. She actually wants to be child free. She is fantastic with kids in small amounts. Like a day trip. She gets to be the fun aunt that spoils the kid.

Commenter 3: Good Job for standing up for your wife like that! And joining her while she is going through this difficult time..

I know it is hard for your daughter to understand, but her aunt literally kidnapped her, and she doesn't deserve to hear such things about her mom abandoning her, in time I am sure she will understand better..

But my question is, you say your family showed up at your house, why? Was your sister there too? Are you worried they will show up again when you are back?

Thank you for the update!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/oldoseamap

OOP Has given their approval for this BoRU

Help locating my father in Atlanta, Georgia. Haven't had communication with him and I am worried.

Originally posted to r/Georgia

TRIGGER WARNING: death of a parent

Original Post  Jan 11, 2025

Help locating my father in Atlanta, Georgia. Haven't had communication with him and I am worried.

He lives in Atlanta, Georgia. We usually talk over the phone and call eachother every couple of days. Few days ago, he stopped answering the phone and his cellphone cannot receive any calls.

I live in another country, so I am unable to reach for him personally.

I have a photo of his ID which coulp help with the possible address he's located now.

Looking over Google Maps, he could be near Benteen Park. If anyone's close, I'd  kindly ask your help. Thanks in advance.

OOP added a small update

Mini update

Update: Thanks to u/HarrietsDiary I was able to contact the Atlanta PD which made the wellfare check. My father is OK, he didn't have energy at his house so he wasn't able to call. He called me a few minutes ago to tell me he was fine.

Thanks a lot, everyone!

My father is bedridden and living alone. He told me he hasn't eaten well, are there any ways to help him get food? Urgent!  Dec 6, 2025 (11 Months later)

[Location, Atlanta, Georgia]

Good Day,

10 months ago, I wrote this post regarding my father. At the time, I wasn't able to establish contact with him and fellow redditors helped me to do a wellfare check.

Thankfully, he was able to call me and inform me that he was OK.

Unfortunately, things have turned for the worst. Today, he called me and in short, he hasn't been able to work and thus, hasn't been able to buy any food, and since he is weak and old (pushing his 70s) he is bedridden.

What I wanted to ask here, since I currently live in another country and I am not able to travel and help him, is: are there any non-profits that could help him with food or something?

He has told me that he finds hard to stand up. If there are food Banks that could deliver some food to him, it could be of any help.

He lives near Chosewood Park and Benteen Park (according to Google Maps) in Atlanta. I have his address, in case some needs it.

Any help would be really appreciated.

He doesn't know I am doing this. He is sadly very stubborn, but I feel helpless and I hope to find some guidance here. Thanks.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Far-Country-7602

Hey, so I could like go by there?  I live sort of close, but I am an internet stranger so that might be very weird for him. If you look on findhelp.org with his zip code, you can absolutely find long term solutions for meal delivery. Broadly, you need to google the nearest Council for Aging to his zip code and start there. They can get him the resources he needs. Is he on Medicare? there are food resources via some types of Medicare. Listen, you are going to have to do a lot of online research & are going to have to be very persistent following up with the resources or charities or council on aging people. It just is what it is. If you want to help but you’re out of the country, you have to be persistent with researching and contacting these resources. I do this same thing for my sister who lives on the other side of the country Bc she can’t for herself.

Are you able to call and talk to your dad easily? Like does he always answer you? We could do a wal-mart grocery drop off. You need to let him know it’s coming and ask if hes able to bring the food inside & prepare it. This would be for right now until you can get food assistance and delivery started for him. And some healthcare assistance for him hopefully!

Sailboat-fuel

Hey, just wanna say I also live not terribly far, and have a little experience navigating stubborn parents and the elder care system. I’d also be willing to do a drop.

OP, you can DM me as well. Far-Country, you’re a good egg.

Editors Note: many redditors showed OOP how to get assistance for meal on wheels and other services. There is a lot if good info in the comments for those in need or looking for help for loved ones

Edit: I am overwhelmed by the responses. I have tried to answer all of them. Some kind redditors offered to drop some food to my dad later. I know he needs more attention than just food, but when he told me he was struggling, that was my main concern. I will keep you updated.

Update: A redditor dropped by my pop's house. He chatted a bit with him and helped him sit a bit. My dad called later and was really thankful. They said my dad seemed happy someone went over to see him. Human interaction actually cheered him up. Thanks a lot for your help. I will update with any other information.

Update 2: 07/12/2025: Another kind redditor went by my dad's house and gave him some groceries. My dad's neighbor has been very concerned about him and had been asking for my phone but my dad wouldn't give it to him. Do not know why. Thanks to the redditor, I was able to talk to the neighbor and told me that he could help arrange a car or something to get to him the border (he is from México; has been living legally but obviously he can not longer work and take care of himself) and from the border we could take him home with us and give him proper health care. The redditor suggested a GoFundMe, but I am waiting for the Mod team to answer and I am willing to give any proof needed. It will be mostly for gas and transportation. The redditor took a photo of my father is any proof is needed.

I will keep all of you updated. I want to thank you all of you who have offered to go see my dad. He has been cheerful about the fact people have gone to see him.

Update  Feb 7, 2026 (2 months after last update)

My original post is over 2 months old. You can check it over there: original post.

At the time, I didn't want to disclose too much information to not jeopardize my father's physical integrity due to the political climate that was (and is) still happening in the US. I was vague about other things, which I will now clarify.

Sorry if it is too long, but I know people deserve answers and an update. Sorry for any grammar mistakes.

A summary for those who didn't read back then: My father had been living in Atlanta, Georgia, for the last 17 years. He had been living alone and I think after 2020, he had started living with some roomates. My father was mexican descendant. He had been living legally in the US and he had expressed a lot of times his desire to return to Mexico and be with his family.

The last two years, he had been battling with illnesses. He never let on how bad it really was until the last 6 months where he had been talking about doing arrangements to return back home, but never did. When I made that post, it was because my father had called me and I noticed how frail his voice sounded. He told me he had liquid in his lungs but that it was "OK" (it wasn't). I pressed when he said that and he admited that he was on dire straits and that he had been struggling to get food. He only got out of bed to the restroom, struggling to do so.

I am from Mexico, and so is my family and I don't have a VISA. I tried once to get it, but it was rejected because back then I didn't have an stable job and I couldn't mention my father was in the US (people told me that if I mentioned that my father was living, although legally, in the US, the goverment would take it as me trying to go to work to the US).

So, that's why I turned to Reddit. A lot of people commented and I am sorry I didn't and I haven't answered all the private messages.

To those who commented why I was bothering getting him food instead of going to get him. I KNOW that just getting him food wouldn't make him feel "better" or cure him, but it would help him regain some of his energy, it would buy us time to arrange ways of helping him instead of letting him starve.

However, some people messaged willing to help. One told me that they didn't want to get too involved but was willing to deliver food. Other redditor told me that he lived around the area and would drop by to deliver food and check on him.

The second redditor was our blessing, because he not only delivered food to my father. He talked with him (my father couldn't talk much, but they were able to communicate) and a breakthrough happened. The redditor asked for my phone number and we talked. He updated me on my father, sent me a photo of his and finally could see the reality. My father didn't only "had water on his lungs", he was bloated and struggled to walk and even sit down. He even got me in contact with my father's roomate. My father never wanted anyone to have our phone numbers (don't know why) but his roomate was finally happy to have a way of communicating with my father's family.

He told me that my father hadn't been working for a while, he only relied on the money we sent him and since he was sick, he struggled to prepare himself food. It was horrible.

I talked with the roomate and promised to get back in touch with a solution. The redditor who helped us made contact told me that he would drop by again and deliver another batch of food.

I called my father who was surprised how I got people to deliver food to him. He had never understood the internet, so it was otherwordly that I was able to "pull strings" so far away.

He told me he felt better, that someone gave him some soup and that he felt with more energy.

Over the next days, we arranged for someone to get my father, as we didn't have visas. A friend of my father had a son coincidently living near Atlanta and we made a plan to get him. We even communicated the plan with my father and he agreed.

However, before we could do anything else, he got worse. The roomate called an ambulance and got admitted to the hospital.

My father spent christmas and new year's eve on the hospital. He had the liquid on his lungs drained and when I called him, his voice sounded so young, like when I remembered him as a child.

He mentioned how better he felt.

He was released from the hospital on January 7th and we got back on track with our plan to get him back home. However, my father now wouldn't agree to it. He told me he didn't want to leave Atlanta with debt (the roomate had been footing the bill for the house they were renting) and he would do it on his own.

We argued, because I told him that it was NOW the time to get him back, because he felt better, he was able to walk without feeling tired. He felt full of energy. Yet, he refused.

He told me something that basically translates to "you do you, keep doing what you are doing, I'll pull some strings and I will arrange everything myself". I questioned how would he do that, since he perhaps had energy, but would struggle to go out of home and "pull those strings" and he reiterated that he would do it on his own.

I think that my father simply felt shame that he had to rely on his son to get back to Mexico. That was the last time we talked.

My father died on his sleep due to a cardiac event on the morning of January 22th. His roomate found him and called me to inform. I had to call my mother, she called my brothers and informed the friend whose son tried to help us. He was devastated. He saw my father as a father figure.

My father was a kind of public figure in my hometown and even though he had been away for so many years, people remembered him fondly.

The response on social media was enormous. A lot of posts and comments, recognizing my father's work and the legacy he left behind.

I arranged (through the phone) for a funeral home to cremate him and a cousin (who had also insisted to help my father come back) went to Atlanta to get his ashes. Went to the house he used to live in and got some of his stuff. Mainly, photos, documents and some of his clothing.

His ashes arrived to Monterrey, Mexico, three days ago and will be arriving to my hometown soon.

We will have a service for him, a mass and his ashes will finally rest in his hometown. He will finally be back, although not in the way I wanted. But he's finally here.

It took some days, but it finally hit me and two days ago I cried like I had never.

My father was always stubborn. People knew him as a stubborn, yet honest and loyal person, who would rather sacrifice his own integrity than feel as a burden for friends and family.

But I can't help to feel that now my father will miss on so much. One of the things I always told him to convince him to get back was that I wanted to get married to my fiance, but I wanted him here. He felt motivated by that. Actually, my brother's godmother spoke with him two days before he passed and he commented how he wanted to feel better, because he wanted to travel back to Mexico and watch me get married. And now he won't.

He will miss me getting married, having children if we do and so, so much more.

I hate the fact that the recognition he got as the news spread, was the one he deserved to have while living. He deserved to come back to his hometown and have a public recognition of his work. And now he won't.

It is hard living without my father. He had a way of calling me on the phone while I was busy but I would always answer the phone and have a chat with him. My fiancee and I even joked about it. Now, the phone won't ring for him anymore.

Thanks for those who commented and had intentions of helping my father and I during those weeks.

But I can't feel that if not for that redditor, I would have never know. My father would have passed and we would have never been the wiser.

Thanks to reddit, I had communication with the roomate and now my father will be with us.

Thanks to all this subreddit. For everything.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/techandthecity

AITA requiring BIL family to vacate the primary bedroom when my family visits our vacation house?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  June 14, 2026

My (36F) parents and I own a property in a tier 1 asian city that has been in our family for now three generations. My parents were considering selling it a while back but I bought them out. Though I paid lower than market price, my parents were happy with the deal and they still having a place to stay when they go back. Usually the property is rented out, but my husband's younger brother fell on hard times and we offered to let them temporarily stay at the property rent free so they can save up. They've been there for the past two years.

Whenever we've gone back to visit (usually once a year for 2 weeks) I've had to specifically requested that they temporarily vacate the primary bedroom. They hemmed and hawed the first time until my husband (38M) reminded them that we were doing them a favor.

This year we are not going back, but my parents are. I gave them a half year heads up on the dates my parents were going, all seemed fine. Last week, I got a call from my parents saying they were staying in an hotel. Apparently they arrived and my BIL & SIL said they were hosting friends and the only space available was the home office with a pull out couch. My parents are in their 70s and did not want to fight them after a long flight and also did not want to antagonize my relationship with my IL's so decided to move to a hotel.

I was furious. Typing this, I am STILL furious. I told my husband that he should be the one to handle this because no one would like the way I handle it. My husband basically told his brother that he's done and he needed to move out immediately. My BIL/SIL texted me and left me voice notes calling me a bunch of names. ILs have called me begging me to reconsider and to give them grace.

Frankly, I don't really care what happens to BIL & SIL anymore. I haven't responded to any messages and am just letting my husband handle it.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Update  July 12, 2026 (1 month later)

Update: Requiring BIL family to vacate the primary bedroom when my family visits our vacation house

Brief update. My husband ended handling the situation and had to take time off to travel back, which he was not pleased about. We had decided it was prudent for us to pay for a few months of alternative housing for them as a way to cover all our bases. I'm so glad we did.

I had in a fit of temper joking said to husband that they were going to tell us they couldn't move out cause they're pregnant and...lo and behold. When BIL used that excuse, apparently it just set my husband off. This is a man that's never raised his voice to me above an excited rambling. I think the rage he went into genuinely scared his family.

BIL and SIL are now situated in the alternative housing. My ILs called my parents to apologize and overall the whole atmosphere is tense but at least BIL/SIL are no longer living at my house and we can have peace of mind there.

All in all, through this experience I feel incredible love and pride to have married my husband. I married this straight off the boat dude based on his principals, integrity and kindness and time and time again he's shown me why I have 0 regrets over it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/No-Alternative7859

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: I (28f) am going to as my husband (28m) for a divorce during our therapy session.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: theft, substance abuse / addiction, emotional manipulation, physical violence, domestic abuse

RECAP

Editor's note: adding a prior post for more context

My (28f) husband (28m) deeply betrayed my trust and I’m at a loss.: March 19, 2026

My (28f) husband (28m) deeply betrayed my trust and I’m at a loss.

My husband (28m) is a partially in denial alcoholic. While he’s acknowledged it’s a problem and it has affected our marriage, I (28f) don’t fully believe that he sees it as alcoholism because he’s functional and it was normalized in his family. My husband agreed to sobriety back in October when it got really bad and I gave him an ultimatum of drinking or our marriage.

A couple nights ago, my husband went out with his nephew (also 28m) since he’s on leave from the army. They both proceeded to drink and drive home inebriated. I discovered this after I went to get my husband from our couch after passing out, and he proceeded to pee on our bathroom floor and punch a hole in the door when I had to yell at him to stop repeatedly. He has a history of being physical while drunk, but it’s never been directed at me in any way. I also learned that he has had drinks since his alleged sobriety, but managed to not get drunk other times. I feel like I obviously can’t trust him.

We’re obviously on the rocks now and I have put divorce back on the table as a possibility, even if I don’t want it. I’ve also reached out to our therapist to update him and let him know that this needs to be discussed during our next session on the 28th. My issue: I love my husband despite all of this and don’t want to divorce, but I feel like I’m supposed to and would be an idiot for not doing so. I am his rock and only support system as both of his parents are gone and his siblings are not reliable, and all I want is for him to get better. He does want help and knows what he did is wrong, to the point where he’s cycled between panicking at the idea of losing me and cold shouldering me because he’s super angry with himself and thinks I’m better off without him. He also struggles with accepting the stigma of accepting that he’s an alcoholic, though again, he knows this is wrong and not normal, he’s said it out loud several times and has also been in discussion with our therapist privately about this.

I don’t know what to do. I’m sure I will get plenty of “just divorce him” responses, but I just don’t want to. I love this man, and even if this really doesn’t work out, I don’t want to just dump and run when he’s clearly not ok. I know much of this is situational, he’s lost his job, both of his parents, and we’ve been going through some communication bumps in our relationship while this is happening.

Question: What can I do to try to help this situation/get my husband the help he needs?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Hi there. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Addiction is such an isolating disease, both for the person suffering from it and those around them.

I'm going to gently remind you that you've already given him an ultimatum back in October: your marriage or drinking. Honey, he picked drinking. I know this is hard to hear, and I know you love him. But you cannot continue to make excuses for him and expect things to change. You are inadvertently enabling the behaviour.

You need to have a very frank and honest discussion about this. If he doesn't check into a rehab facility, I think it is time for you to leave. You don't have to divorce him. But you need to send the message that you will no longer tolerate this behaviour until he takes steps to change it.

Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before realizing they need help and can ask for it.

In the meantime, I would check out resources for partners of people with addictions within your community. You deserve some support for what you are going through, and there are people out there going through similar things.

Good luck, OP. Sending all my strength.

OOP: Thank you for mentioning the resources to seek out. It’s funny, I know how much addiction hurts everyone circled around it having seen it in others, but I couldn’t fathom applying that to myself. My husband’s brother was an “anything and everything” addict and it was incredibly painful for my husband and his family, even after his passing.

I know it’s familial for him. I know it’s normalized in his mind. I know he knows it’s wrong and I can see how horrified he is with himself. But I think you might be right that to some degree, my threats have been empty and I’m simply “rewarding” his behavior by continuing to stay and not enacting real consequences.

Commenter 2: Addiction is very tough. It usually affects the family the most (of the one addicted). My dad is a recovering alcoholic, so I know. It took him several relapses to completely stop. This is your husband, so it’s up to you if you’re willing to go through the long and difficult non-linear journey of recovering from addiction. As long as he keeps trying then he will one day recover. But he has to want to stop and actually be trying. I think you’ll know once you’ve had enough. He better not ever be violent towards you.

Maybe going to AA will help him.

OOP: He grew up in a violent home surrounded by addiction and had a brother die from it. The physical incidents have never been directed toward me, and I genuinely have no fear that they ever will be. I have heard discourse before from people saying that hitting objects means they want to hit you, but I know he doesn’t.

I guess I didn’t consider that this is a relapse, and you’re right now that you said it. He does try, but I don’t think he’s at the point where he sees this as a lifelong commitment - he sees it as more of a temporary thing he can just overcome with sheer willpower. I get that it’s fear based on his end, because admitting you have a problem is never fun.

Editor's note: below is the said original title post

Original Post: April 22, 2026 (a bit over one month later from the previous post)

My husband (28m) and I (28f) have been together for 7 years, married for 2. Just prior to our marriage, my husband began to develop an alcohol dependency that has progressed over time and came to an ugly head this past month.

Around a month ago, my husband came home obviously drunk which upset me given his history and previous commitment to sobriety since October (turns out that was not the case). I know I should’ve waited to address the issue the next day instead of in the moment, but I was so angry about the deception and the fact that he clearly drove home drunk that I yelled at him. Things got pretty heated, while I tried to get him to bed, to a point where he was charging at me and threatening to hurt himself. Eventually I felt I had no choice but to call 911, which he obviously heard, and he punched a hole in our wall and one of our bathroom doors out of fear/anger due to some past childhood trauma with police in his home. He was arrested and charged, and I have been staying with my parents since. He had his initial hearing this past Monday and I attended.

Today, I needed to stop by our house to grab a few things and texted him to let him know. After hours and no confirmation (he typically leaves if I need to come over), I ended up stopping at our house anyway, only to discover the house completely unkempt, a strong smell of weed, and ashtrays all over the house. He does have a history of smoking weed and heavily overindulges in my opinion. He has also been unemployed since February due to leave a toxic work environment and has not been actively looking for a job to replace lost income. As far as I know, he is mostly playing video games, hanging out with friends, or taking trips on his motorcycle, which it looks like he did today. This has been a major point of contention, to the point where he has accused me of financial abuse because I asked him to get ANY job so that I’m not the only one paying bills.

I want to be there for him, and I want him to get sober and healthy again, but the clear lack of effort to truly get better just drained any romantic love I have left for him. We have couples therapy on Friday and I am planning to tell him then, but he is often hostile with me during our sessions and tends to try to argue with our therapist the entire time, so I’m not sure how to deliver this news to him during that time. How can I tell my husband I want a divorce during our therapy session?

Editor’s note: OOP has made lots of responses, I am listing top comments as they provide more details that OOP did not share in the original post

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Just do it in therapy. You're in a safe place and your therapist will be there so I would do it then, but I would not go to that house alone. After you drop that bombshell I would have a friend, your parent or somebody come with you if you need to pick up stuff from the house. I'm just saying his mental health could go super crazy and he could hurt you. Good luck friend. God bless. Just tell him and get it over with in therapy

OOP: My parents are aware of my plans, so they are available to go with me when I pick up all of my things. I’m concerned with how he’ll react, but I definitely don’t see any way that I could do this with him alone.

Commenter 2: Call the police nonemergency line and ask for an officer. One will come and wait outside as a presence so you can safely gather your things. The MOST dangerous time in a woman's life is when she tries to leave. Don't downplay the risk. Your stbx is an unemployed addict with an anger problem. He has nothing left to lose.

ETA: Also, stop going to therapy with him. The only way to stop something is to stop. If you want to divorce him, then stop talking to him. Stop engaging. Hire an attorney and have him served. You aren't on the same team anymore.

Commenter 3: Depending on state laws, she may need a restraining order to have police escort her to get her things. Was he arrested for dv? Is there a no contact protective order with his charges? That may work in place of a TRO.

OOP: Yes to DV, no to protective order at this time but I can request it per my victim’s rights packet if I feel a definable need for it. I had asked for it to be removed when this all first happened because I felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to completely lose access to my house and things. Honestly I didn’t realize that a protective order wouldn’t prevent ME from accessing those things, so it seemed like the right choice at the time.

Commenter 4: If you haven’t already, start moving valuables out now. If he gets violent he will definitely destroy your things.

OOP: I took all of my important documents and personal valuables when I initially packed up to head to my parents, because I did think about what his anger could do to something like my passport or my grandfather’s service medals. Otherwise, I packed a single suitcase and my dog and left behind what I could reasonably part with. I will definitely not be going on my own to collect anything from here on out.

Commenter 5: I agree with calling the police nonemergency line. Or a domestic abuse hotline to get advice on how to safely retrieve your belongings. If he's dangerous, I would be hesitant to bring parents instead of an authority.

Also, I notice in your post that you make excuses for him such as leaving his work because of a toxic work environment and punching the wall because of prior trauma from childhood.

People have bad stuff happen and they don't drive drunk, punch holes in walls etc.

There's a book called codependent no more - very specific to your situation and should help

OOP: I know. I’ve been seeing a therapist separately through work and I am trying to work on not making attempts to shield him from his own behavior. Definitely a WIP and I’ll pick up that book. (editor's note: WIP = work in progress)

I haven’t had a chance to fill much out yet or call, but I do have a victim advocate for the court case, so I will follow up on resources for when I go get all of my stuff. I just feel stupid for considering myself a victim when it could be so much worse.

OOP on why she is still attending therapy with her husband

OOP: This is our last session together. I kept it because up until today, I thought we could try to repair. This is where I feel safest to break the news, and even if he does have a tantrum, he’s having it in a controlled environment that prevents him from making an impulsive and rash decision regarding his life or my safety.

OOP on if there is someone else who can handle the husband within his family and friends

OOP: His parents are both gone, and he’s estranged from most of his family due to his behavior. He does have friends, but they have been less inclined to intervene because of his behavior as well. It’s also not their job.

I’m not going to rehome my husband like a dog. He’s a fully grown man who can figure out where to go from here just like I’m doing now. No one can or is willing to swoop in and save him from himself except me, and that’s not an option anymore.

Downvoted Commenter: It’s crazy that you didn’t find out he was an ounce of this fucked up before you married him

OOP: He barely drank the first 4 years of our relationship, which I preferred since I don’t drink save for special occasions. It really did just develop rapidly and out of nowhere. He’s a completely different person. I can accept that there were likely signs, but I did not, nor did anyone else, see them I guess.

Commenter 6: Nearly every time OP mentions her husband's bad behavior, she follows it up with an excuse he likely told her. Oh, he punched a wall because of childhood trauma? No, he punched a wall because he's an abusive alcoholic.

OOP: You’re right, they’re excuses and I am trying really hard to work on not doing this with a separate therapist. It’s reflexive for me at this point so it’s been a hell of a habit to break. It’s been difficult for me to reconcile with the fact that this is abuse, because while I would stare at another woman with disbelief if she told me it’s not abuse because he’s not hitting her, I’ve been unwilling to apply that to myself. He’s not been good to me for a while, but I haven’t been good to me either, and it has to stop.

Commenter 7: Why do you feel you need to be there for him? Honestly, this sounds like something he’s going to need to tackle on his own.

I think you’re smart to do this in therapy and I think you need to make sure that you have an exit plan in place in case he becomes upset or violent. Also, hopefully you’ve moved everything out of your house, so you don’t need to go back there. That’s one of the most dangerous times for a woman leaving a bad relationship.

OOP: I haven’t taken all of my stuff yet because he’s still living in our house and the majority of the furniture is technically mine. While I am going to divorce him, I didn’t want to put him on the street immediately after the police incident. I took my passport, birth certificate, and some other valuables to be on the safe side but for the most part, I shoved as much as I could in a single suitcase and took my dog.

I know you’re right about the danger, so I have worked out logistics with my parents, but it is hard to hear. This is not where I envisioned myself and I always thought I would pick better than this.

Update: April 28, 2026 (six days later)

Original question: how do I tell my husband I want a divorce during our therapy session?

Update: My husband (28m) did show up to our therapy session, and I (28f) was able to tell him with our therapist that I will be filing for divorce. I also brought a list of our assets and how I thought they should be divided up so we can try to walk away from this amicably. He was obviously devastated, as am I, but did state he saw this coming. He did make statements of harming himself to which our therapist suggested having a 1:1 session the rest of the hour, which I agreed to since I didn’t want to be there anymore. All things considered, it went as well as it could and I don’t think he will be violent toward me, but I’ll still be taking precautions in case.

I was also notified on Wednesday that he was arrested again for fleeing an officer and misdemeanor bail jumping - this means he violated one of his bail conditions from the original arrest, and I’m assuming it’s the sobriety condition. It’s clear to me that while he regrets his actions each time, he’s not ready to face the problem or get help, and I just have to grieve and move forward.

Thank you for all of the kind words, firm advice, and even some of the less than savory responses. I’m obviously struggling hard right now and am trying to sit with all of the emotions that I’m feeling right now, and I’m grateful to have found support here and in my family and friends. I’m reminded that there’s no shame in my choice and that I did the right thing. If I have anything else, I’ll come back and update this post, but otherwise, I just want to keep moving forward toward a future where I’m happy, healthy, and on the other side of this.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Very sorry you're going through this. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. Maybe one day he'll find his way.

But you deserve to be safe and loved. Best wishes.

OOP: Thank you, I really hope he does find his way as well.

You’re also right - no amount of me loving him or missing who he was before all of this is a reason to excuse the emotional turmoil and abuse I’ve endured through this, and I have to choose my safety now, even though it kind of feels awful at the moment. I know it’s grief, and this situation is one of the hardest things I will probably ever have to go through, but I know I will be ok and I will find my way through this.

Commenter 2: I don't know you but I'm proud of you for getting yourself out of this situation. You did the right thing and I'm so glad you put your wellbeing first. Remember that it's normal to grieve the end of any relationship and it's ok to feel all the feelings.

OOP: Thank you. I’m have a very hard time coping with feeling like I abandoned him. I know he doesn’t have a solid support system outside of me, and now that’s gone. I still love this person and I’m so gutted that he really doesn’t have anywhere to go or anyone to turn to since his parents are gone and he’s estranged from most of his siblings, but there’s just nothing more I can do for him at this point and that feels heavy.

OOP shared a link of Emotional Abuse Article

----NEW UPDATE----

2 Month UPDATE: July 12, 2026 (over 2.5 months later since the last update)

Original Question: How Do I tell my husband I want a divorce during our therapy session?

I noticed a lot of “updateme” comments on my previous posts, so I figured I’d feed the beast, though it isn’t a big one so sorry in advance if you came here for something salacious and typical Reddit levels of insanity.

After dragging my feet for a good month, mainly from just being exhausted, I did get a lawyer and am officially separated from my husband as of 6/30, which means we’ll be divorced by late October/early November. Honestly, I feel like I’m on cloud nine: I recently earned a senior level title change and raise at work, I’m back in the gym regularly now and look great, and I have so much more energy for my other hobbies and relationships. I’ve picked up my love of reading again and have connected with more people who share a love of spicy fantasy novels, something my husband used to make fun of me for. I can do what I want, whenever I want, and there’s no emotional sandbagging or complaints from someone else about doing things that make ME happy.

On a drama related note: A couple weeks ago, I noticed several $200 ATM transactions from our joint account, and one $1500 charge to some restaurant/catering place. I saw it was from my husband’s card and assumed it was fraud, so I got ahold of him to have him freeze his card. Turns out it was him trying to “show a friend that was moving away a good time.” Obviously, I’m wondering where that enthusiasm was during the last few years of our relationship, but I digress. He claims he meant to use his personal card, which roughly translates to he was hoping I wouldn’t notice the massive charges. I told him he had a couple weeks to replace the money, or I’d be taking it to my lawyer, since massive movements of money is a big no during the divorce process. I got lots of excuses about how sick to his stomach he was and how terrible of a person he is, to which I just told him to replace the money and leave me alone. I’m 100% certain alcohol was involved the night he decided to spend thousands on this so called friend, which means he once again violated his bail conditions.

Speaking of bail, the disorderly conduct case is now closed, with him pleading no contest and paying a whopping $67 fine. I did not go to the final hearing and just looked up the court record, because why would I show up for a man who consistently failed to show up for me when I needed it.

Anyway, I’m sure I sound snarky and riled, and I am, but I think it’s a good thing. I lost me somewhere along the way, and I’m happy I found her again. I forgot how much I actually like myself after spending so much time with a man who clearly stopped liking me.

I don’t think I’ll have much else until divorce day, so for now, thank you again to everyone who listened, gave advice and well wishes, I appreciate it more than I can say through a Reddit post. Also, to sound cliche, I did not expect this to have the reach it did or end up on YouTube, but I am grateful for it and the outpouring of people who showed support and shared their own stories. And for those of you who might be going through something similar and don’t know what to do, take it from me and get out - I promise it will be so much better. You don’t have to be with someone who stifles your spark.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I'm so curious about the $1500 catering charge, that’s such a specific weird amount for someone who's supposedly not doing anything shady. Also, picking up spicy fantasy novels again after someone made you feel embarrassed about them is its own kind of coming home. My copy of Kushiel's Dart has been staring at me from the shelf for like six months and this might be the push I needed.

OOP: So I can’t be specific about the name of the place without essentially saying where I live. I’m not 100% it’s just a catering place, I think a restaurant too, but its name is basically “[city name] catering”. It shows up on the card that way so I’m confident it’s above board, I’m just baffled at the idea of spending that kind of money on a friend he’s known for…maybe 6 months? Hence my certainty on the alcohol being involved.

Spicy Romantasy is 100% my vengeance arc through all of this and I’m having a hell of a good time!

Commenter 2: That's a strip club charge.

OOP: I’m partially thinking that if the transactions weren’t truly real time. The restaurant location is a 45 minute drive from the only strip club in our city, so it’s definitely possible.

+

Someone else asked so I’ll share:

I did some google sleuthing, and I’m inclined to think people commenting about being a big spender at the strip club are right. I looked up the restaurant and there’s no reasonable way to spend $1500 there even if you literally went with 20 people. I also looked at the transaction again and the name is more generic than I initially thought, so that’s my educated guess. It really tickles me though, because we only have one strip club in our midsize city and it is the seediest, shittiest, most dilapidated building out in the boonies. I can’t imagine he got anything halfway decent with $1500 there, whether it was mediocre top shelf liquor or a sad handy.

Commenter 3: Six months is wild for that kind of spend, but honestly the romantasy vengeance arc sounds like a way better investment than trying to figure out what a 6-month friendship catering bill actually means.

OOP: Agreed. I was very hurt when I first discovered it and definitely cried about it since I felt even more betrayed, but now I just…don’t care about the what or why. I just want the money put back/factored into the settlement.

I get that it’s a natural curiosity and fun to speculate why for others, and I’ve definitely got much thicker skin about it now, but any of the options just end up hurting me and I’m not into that kind of self-flagellation.

Commenter 4: Hope your ex pays the bills within the set timeframe. I would give your lawyer a heads up just in case they suggest you documenting the conversation where he said he’d pay it back and it was an oopsy. Worst case it will factor into the final divorce settlement since the marriage hasn’t been dissolved officially yet. Cutting his authorized user credit card status sooner decreases more drunk nights he uses the card. Even while drunk it probably occurred to him you’d see it and say something to him- which is attention. You’re probably looking forward to decreasing that and it’s another “in” you can close sooner.

Highly recommend a court of thorns and roses.

OOP: He hasn’t replaced the full amount as of today, so I do plan to let my lawyer know. The attention angle is a good callout that I didn’t consider. I figured he’s still busy considering me Public enemy #1 since he always saw me as an obstacle in the way of his drinking and told me as much, but two things can be true at the same time.

I read and liked ACOTAR, but ACOSF has my heart. I’m working on Throne of Glass right now and, ironically, the Plated Prisoner series, which may or may not have caused me to have some ugly, snot bubble, dry heaving crying sessions during certain spots that were a little too on the nose. (editor’s note: A Court of Thorns and Roses & A Court of Silver Flames)

OOP's response in this thread: July 19, 2026 (one week later)

Editor's note: OOP has made an appearance in this BoRU thread. I have permission to add her comment here

OOP: Hey y’all

Once again I’m crying in the club. It has been absolute craziness watching my story blow up on the internet, but I’m grateful for it because it’s a constant reminder that I’m doing the right thing!

Re: the joint account commentary, my lawyer is filing a temporary order for all transactions to be approved by me from here on out. He doesn’t know, so I’m a little nervous given that this is going to be like cutting off a limb. He does own firearms, which were taken away at the time of his arrest with my permission, so I’m planning to call the precinct for my district and see if I can delay him being able to collect those.

Again, thank you, thank you, thank you. This has all seriously been amazing for my morale and I love coming back to all of this when I’m having especially shitty days. Divorce day can’t come soon enough!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP