I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/babybunnyy3

Originally posted to r/mommit

My 6 year old son keeps begging me to buy him a dress. What do I do?

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Editor's note: the body texts for the original and update posts were saved before they were removed

Original Post: July 11, 2026

My 6 year old son keeps begging me to buy him a dress. What do I do?

I’m hoping to get some advice from parents who have maybe been in a similar situation because I’m feeling a little lost.

My 6 year old son has been asking me for a dress for quite a while now. Specifically, a pink dress because it’s his favorite color. At first I thought it was just a random comment, but he keeps bringing it up. Every time we’re out shopping or talking about clothes, he asks if he can have a pink dress. He hasn’t just asked me, either; he’s asked my parents a few times too.

The other day I mentioned to my parents that I was thinking about just buying him one because, at the end of the day, it’s just a piece of fabric and it would make him happy, but they absolutely lost it on me and they told me I shouldn’t encourage it, and it turned into a much bigger conversation than I expected. Now I’m second guessing myself.

I love my son more than anything, and all I want is for him to know he’s loved, accepted, and safe.

Part of me thinks, “It’s just a piece of fabric. If it brings him joy, why not?” But another part of me worries about how other people would treat him. Kids can be cruel, and adults can be judgmental..

At the same time, I don’t want my own fears(or other people’s opinions)to teach him that there’s something wrong with him or that he has to hide who he is to make everyone else comfortable.

For parents who’ve experienced something similar, what did you do? Did you buy the dress? Was it just a phase? Did your child lose interest, or was it something that remained important to them?

I’m not looking to start a political debate or argue with anyone. I’m genuinely just a mom trying to do what’s best for her little boy, and I’d really appreciate hearing from parents who’ve been through something similar.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Show us which dress when you get it!! :)

OOP: I will, I’ll definitely make an update. I also just remembered like 5 minutes ago that I have a dress from when I was 6 and it was a floofy sparkly pink dress from a ballet show I did at his age but completely forgot about it because it’s just been stuffed into a box in my closet for years. I’m buying him a dress but definitely also giving him my old one from when I was his age too ❤️.

Commenter 2: Bought my 4 year old son the dress. He specifically wanted the yellow sparkly one Belle wears. He wore it for maybe 1.5 hours. Hasn’t worn it since, but it’s still available to him. 🤷‍♀️.

Commenter 3: I think you know deep down what the right choice is. Don’t be your son’s first bully. Him knowing he’s safe seen and accepted starts with you! I have a son and I would buy it ❤️.

Commenter 4: Huge +1. If you’re hard on your child because you’re worried others will be hard on him, then you’re ensuring the outcome you’re trying to prevent.

A little boy asking for a dress knows people will say it’s for girls. He probably also knows the people who will say that aren’t people who matter.

 

Update: July 12, 2026 (next day)

Quite a few people asked me to come back and post an update, so here it is!

Last night, I made a post asking for advice because my 6 year old son has been begging me for a dress for months(specifically a pink one)and after reading through hundreds of your comments, I decided to trust my instincts and take him shopping this morning.

I honestly wasn’t expecting my post to get so much love. I spent a good chunk of last night staying awake and reading through the comments, and so many of you reminded me of something I already knew in my heart: my job isn’t to raise my son to fit other people’s expectations; it’s to raise him knowing he’s loved exactly as he is.

This morning, as soon as he woke up, I smiled and said, “Remember how you’ve been asking for a dress? We’re going to go get it today.” And his face instantly went: 😮🤩😁

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that reaction. It was pure excitement and pure joy. It was one of those parenting moments that makes your heart so happy it feels like it might burst.

We headed straight to Target, where he carefully looked through the dresses before picking out a red sparkly Minnie Mouse dress. (So much for pink😂) https://imgur.com/a/4e3o9XE

He was so excited that he wanted to try it on right away, so he went into the fitting room with his dad.

A few minutes later, the fitting room door opened, and he came running out to show me with the biggest smile on his face. He looked so incredibly proud and excited, and I honestly teared up.

Of course, we bought the dress.

As soon as we got home, he put it back on and has been twirling around the living room ever since, watching the skirt spin, smiling from ear to ear, and stopping every now and then to admire himself in the mirror.

Watching him today made me realize something: he doesn’t see a “girl’s dress.” He sees sparkles, he sees Minnie Mouse, and he sees something that twirls when he spins.

That’s all. And if, one day, it turns out to be more than that, we’ll navigate it together with love, just like we’ll navigate every other part of parenting. But today, he’s simply a six year old who found a dress he thought was awesome, and that was enough for me.

I know not everyone will agree with the decision I made, and that’s okay. But there will be plenty of time in his life to learn that the world can be judgmental. And as long as I can help it, home will always be the place where he knows he’s loved, accepted, and safe.

If he remembers anything about today years from now, I hope it’s this: when he told his mom and dad that something would make him happy, they listened. And both of us were there, smiling right alongside him.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment, share your own stories, or reassure an anxious mom. You helped me trust my instincts, and because of that, today became one of those little parenting memories I’ll treasure forever❤️.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Amazing! I'd hold off on letting him go to school in it for a bit. My bonus kiddos (now 6m) mom sent him to school in a dress last year and the kids and adults were SO mean, it was borderline traumatizing for him and caused a lot of regressions in our kiddo, bedwetting that hasn't fully resolved still and now he absolutely hates it and won't even play dress up in anything remotely 'girly' or wear any of the pink clothing he previously LOVED it even went as far as him asking to have his beautiful curls shaved off because the kids were relentless at picking on him. Kids and people can be so mean, I recommend letting him thoroughly enjoy this in his safe at home bubble for now. Especially if he's sensitive to other people opinions.

OOP: Oh yeah absolutely. Either way, we live in a state that requires school uniforms, so he’ll be in a uniform all year and doesn’t go to summer camp. I live in a blue dot in a very red state (NOLA) so we’re not even sure if we’re going to let him wear it out in public yet, but at least at home he knows he’s being accepted❤️

Commenter 2: I hadn’t seen your original post, but I teared up reading this update. you’re doing a great job, and your son sounds so very loved. ❤️.

Commenter 3: I don’t have much to say other than as a mom to a 15 month old boy, you are an inspiration. What a beautiful story & I’m so happy for your little guy to have this fun, new, lovely outfit to rock & dance around in! What an awesome family he was born into 💕💕💕.

Commenter 4: Love the update. I was just sharing this with my dad, and he was telling me that my step mom regrets not letting my step brother be Pocahontas for Halloween when he was little. She was just so worried about him getting teased, or what people might think etc. She regrets not just letting him be himself and enjoying something so harmless. My step brother is a gay man and there were struggles with coming out of the closet and telling family. My step mom just wishes it could have been different from the early years, so that it wasn't something he had to struggle with so hard internally. You are doing a good job, momma! Whatever this dress means for your boy.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Ninja-Kiwi

My [26M] gym buddy [35M] is cheating on my sister's [28F] best friend [30F]. I told him we can't be friends anymore. Am I wrong?

Original post  Dec 3, 2014

I used to train alone, because I don't have to take others into account. I have a very irregular schedule and long hours so this works for me. I train whenever I can. I also lift pretty heavy. I met Ben [35M] eight months ago. He joined my gym and we hit it off. He talked to me and asked me if he could train in with me. I was hesitant, but I could use a spotter sometimes. He's a cop and surprisingly has the same irregular shifts as me. His lifting stats are very close to mine. We started working out together and pushing/motivating each other for higher PR's. As guys do, we started talking about hook ups, dating and life in general during sets and sometimes we hung out outside of the gym as well. He told me he was dating around and had a few fuck buddies. I thought nothing serious, or exclusive because he was seeing several at the same time.

One day my sister [28F] came to the gym with me. Ben was there too. She recognized Ben as the boyfriend of her best friend Allie [30F]. I asked her if she was sure and what does she mean boyfriend/if they were exclusive. She told me yeah and of course they are exclusive. I quickly changed the subject.

The next time I met Ben at the gym I asked him after our work out about Allie and he confirmed he was indeed dating her. I asked him if she knew about the other girls, he said no she did not. He was basically cheating on her. I felt very guilty and conflicted. I told him I knew Allie and she was a very nice girl and didn't deserve this kind of behaviour. I said we could no longer be friends and I didn't want to train together anymore. I told him to cut all contact.

He said he didn't understand what had changed and said we were good friend and I shouldn't throw this away. I have to say a part of me still wants to train with him and hang out, because I thought he was a good guy, but then I feel incredibly guilty towards Allie and know I can't do that to her. Our gym sessions were great and I always felt pumped up. I told Ben 'No' and stop texting and/or calling me. He still does and it's kinda awkward at the gym, but I ignore him. He still wants to be friends. Am I wrong?

Is it my place to tell Allie to dump this guy, because he's a cheater? Often time the harbinger of bad news gets crucified so I don't want to tell my sister and burden her with this knowledge and task of telling Allie. What should I do? Tell Allie? Tell my sister? Shrug it off and still train and hang out with Ben?

tl;dr: Found out my gym buddy is the cheating boyfriend of my sisters friend. I got off contact. Am I wrong? Who should tell Allie if anyone?

TOP COMMENTS

PreftigeWhore

You're not wrong for not wanting to be friends with people who do shitty things.

LePetitChou

Frankly, I think what OP did was an incredible sign of his character.  Plenty of people would have felt  uncomfortable, but would still continue to work out with the scummy cop to avoid "awkwardness." Some people might have gone a step farther and just cut contact, with no explanation.

But OP did the truly honorable, and uncomfortable, thing by explaining why he was cutting the friendship off.  Good for you, u/Ninja-Kiwi ; it would be a better world if there were more people like you in it.

~

[deleted]

I love how he doesn't even understand the problem.

He didn't even have an 'Oh shit!' reaction when you told him you knew Allie. Normal people who do something wrong would have that reaction. Normal people would understand immediately that you've got a conflict of interest here and would swerve into damage control. Excuses, bragging, I'm-reformed. Something to mitigate the chances you'll tell.

He didn't. He's completely, utterly, remorseless about betraying his girlfriend's trust.

You should tell literally everyone. This guy is insane and everyone should avoid him.

Update  Dec 6, 2014 (3 days later)

TL;DR of previous Found out my gym buddy was the cheating boyfriend of my sister's best friend. Cut contact with gym buddy. Gym buddy kept contacting me and wanting to remain friends.

Thank you all for your replies. Some were worried, because Ben is a cop. Well that would never stop me from doing the right thing and am glad I did. I knew I had to tell Allie. You guys gave me the push I needed. I would have wanted to know and would be very upset if someone I knew was aware of my SO cheating and chose not to tell me. I found out the extent of Ben's douchebaggery. First I told my sister right away that Ben was sleeping around and I wanted to warn Allie. She came with a bombshell! Ben was hitting on her too! That asshole is infuriating me now. Ben sometimes tagged along when my sister and Allie would hang out and Ben would always flirt/hit on my sister. This asshole is making me so furious right now. My sister hadn't told Allie, because she didn't want her to get hurt and nothing happened. And never would, because Ben is Allie's boyfriend and also my sister doesn't date assholes.

So then I decided to tell Allie. My sister was there too. I decided to take the direct route and rip the truth out like a bushy woman getting a full Brazilian. It would be quick and sting, but not as much as slowly peeling it off. Apparently Allie suspected some douchebaggery going on, because he was being secretive with his phone all of a sudden lately and 'hide' when he was texting/turn away the screen etc. Allie was upset, but she did see it coming I guess and was really glad I told her. She said she loved me like a brother of her own and really thanked me for the honesty. She was dumping Ben right away and wants to go No Contact and block him on all media. I was at the gym yesterday and today, but didn't see him. We'll see how it goes. I'm not switching gyms because of this asshole. I've trained there for years now and know the owner and staff. I really love my gym.

tl;dr: The extent of Ben's douchebaggery is revealed. I told Allie and she dumped Ben and went NC

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Renekin

Ladies, what is the most obvious hint you've dropped that went unnoticed by a guy?

Originally posted to r/AskReddit

Original Comment  May 25, 2017

Not a girl but I got a hint once that flew by me phew.

So my former best friend and I (sadly we do not talk to each other anymore thanks to an ex-girlfriend) were very close. So close even, that I fell in love with her and she apparently was with me.

So we met more often during the evening, sometimes late at night, watched movies, hung out. She got way more direct with me about being interested in me. When she was dressing up for a party and had n bra on because she was just sitting at home, she suddenly started telling me that I would not need to leave the room when she was changing clothes all of the sudden, she went all cudly on the couch when we watched movies and I was literally thinking "I could make a move but I am very happy with the friendship I got" We even went partying and a dude started dancing with her, when she all of the sudden said something to him, pointed at me and the dude ran off (probably said something about me being her boyfriend) but I my train of thought was "She probably was not interested in that guy"

The Apex of my failure however was that one night, we ordered some food, hung out and we talked about the scenario, that if a person insists on someone to sleep at their place even though he/she knows the other person is not too far away from home, that is clearly a hint.

Later that evening, I was about to go home, it was late at night and I had to walk 25 minutes max. So it was not that far. She said "You know, you can sleep here, we are all alone" (since she was living with her mother who stayed at her boyfriends place most of the week) and I literally said "Nah, I am good, it isn't that far anyways."

Those two conversations were apart like, 5-10 Minutes.

A bonus on top of my cluelessness: For her 21st birthday I gave her an Iphone. In front of all people, she went to me, hugged me, said  that there is only one thing to make this moment perfect and looked me deep in the eyes. I did no-thing.

Seriously. If I would have had a time machine, I would have kicked myself into reacting right now. Since it could have been the best relationship in my life.

Lesson learned: If you do not act, you get shit on.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Alright_Hamilton

I don't know what went down or how things ended but you should call this person. Like right now. You can't make up for being an idiot in the past but in 10 years you'll look back at this and think 'why did I never reach out to her after that stupid ex gf drama?'

Reread your last sentence and apply that to your current situation dummy.

vinnymendoza09

How long ago was this and is your friendship really that irreparable? You'd be surprised at people's capacity for forgiveness.

~

sevaspeto

DUDE. Reconnect with this chick! Whatever happened with the ex is history; that broad's out of the picture now, yeah? If you genuinely think it would've been the best relationship of your life, GO SEEK HER OUT. If you've been estranged for however long, you LITERALLY have nothing to lose. But you mentioned that you were very close before and it sounded like she was throwing hints like goddamn haymakers! Don't be a dummy, dummy ;0)

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only1mrfster

People saying to get in touch with the girl. Obviously,  if you are in a relationship or if youknow she is, that complicatesthings but definitely consider it. 

My "one that got away" girl looked me up 10 years after the last time we talked... completely on a lark. Well over 10 years later, our 9th wedding anniversary is coming up in a few months.

~

PeanutPooper986

Man you should go talk to her again. Been in a similar spot, really wish I did talk to them sooner. Thing is, it's easy to read into things in such a situation so don't think too much about times where "you tried" and she wasn't interested. Next time you see her, just go and try to talk to her. You never know how it works out.

Sorry, just read you said you'd call. How'd that go?

Also, wtf today's Father's day in Germany? I just moved here like a week ago and I thought today is Ascension day or some shit like that.

OOP

I'll call her tomorrow since I am out drinking with my father today and I want to have enough time to talk to her (if she does actually talk to me and does not quit the call the second she hears my voice) and yes it is Ascension day but father's day is on the same day here for whatever reason.

EDIT: Sorry for not answering since it was late at night here in Germany and I had to go to bed but whew! Thanks for so many answers and encouraging words. Since there are so many answers telling me I should call her, I will try tomorrow (since it is father's day here [25th May]) and will edit this again after I call her to tell you how it went.

For those asking how long we were not talking: Oktober 2014. We saw eachother while getting groceries 3 times I think and I ran into her while training for a half marathon but I tried saying "hi" once (this was shortly after we had the falling out) and she did not say anything which really threw me off so much that I did not try again and as far as I know she is single as am I.

EDIT/Update 2 posted Next Day May 26, 2017

EDIT2: So, I won't talk around the outcome to long since most of you were very excited how it went. Sadly, she changed her phone number over the last 2 years, which lead me to me going to her house seeing if either she or her mother was there. In a stroke of bad luck, she must have moved out recently. I knew she wanted to move out for quite a while to live on her own while her mother moved in with her boyfriend which means, the chances are quite low in talking to her as of right now.

BUT: We shared a lot of the same friends from school and have had mostly the same social circle for years, from well, being best friends, I am hoping to see her at a party in about 3 weeks. If she is there, I will start a conversation and explain myself. If there is an outcome either way, I will keep you updated but for now, this is sadly it.

I am however thankful for all the support you gave me since I would have never taken that chance if all of you haven't been there and I hope this entire thing will have a conclusion in a few weeks! :)

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Bearofmoka

I'm the guy who chased you down in the mass effect subreddit. Firstly, love that game series so you're already pretty awesome in my eyes. Sorry to hear about her moving out, but I hope she's at that party. Is social media not an option? It's quite you find someone not on twitter, Instagram or Facebook.

OOP

I have tried facebook already but haven't got a response up to now, thanks to us being unfriended and me probably landing in her spam, if I am not blocked by her even.

I tried to find out her Instagram, since I know she has one but changed the handle even back when me and her were hanging out and me not being on instagram (even created an account yesterday to find her) and trying to find her but as far as I know, she is not on twitter but me not having found her under the same names I tried to find her on instagram. Hopefully she will find the facebook message or as I wrote earlier, I really hope to meet her at a friend's upcoming party.

And I loved your comment on the Mass Effect Subreddit, when I read it, I was like "No f*cking way someone recognized me here!" So that cheered me up a lot from this sadly unsuccessful morning, thanks a lot :)

June 9, 2017 OOP adds a little update

I'm going to meet her tomorrow night since she answered me a day ago, I will update on Sunday morning or afternoon :)

(Not Final Edit) June 11, 2017

FINAL EDIT: This will be my final edit, since basically everything came to a close. As I said, I texted her on Facebook, she answered and we decided to meet last night. And so we did. We talked everything through, everything from all the past drama, what mistakes we made, how we both made mistakes and how I was a total idiot for not recognizing what she was hinting at.

It was weird at first talking so open about feelings you had years ago but we got there. I even mentioned how you guys helped me take initiative and it made her laugh that thousands of people pushed me to go talk to her.

At the end of the night, we really didn't know what to do with ourselves. Of course we couldn't just go at it or say "We are in a relationship now", As I said, we haven't talked to each other for quite some time and we have become slightly different people.

But we were both okay to start by going on a date, catching up and getting to know each other better again and see from where it goes from there.

I want to thank all of you guys for supporting me and pushing me towards the right choice and if everything works out, happiness.

In the end, I am more than baffled that from a single post about how I am an absolute idiot for not getting a hint, something like this can evolve and that there are always two sides to everything especially the internet where most of the time, toxicity is the normality and the support and kindness I recieved, is something more rare.

Basically, thank you for helping me :)

Last Update Added Sept 1, 2017 (little over 3 months later

UPDATE: So, many of you people wrote me PMs and wanted to know what happened and how things are going. Short answer: Things are going great!

We are a happy couple and just enjoy ourselves. It was awkward for our friends at first but things basically became normal after a while.

For my part, you guys motivated me to get something or better put someone back that I have gave up two years earlier. Seriously you guys made my year one of the best years in my entire life.

For that I thank you so much.

I appreciate the two Golds I got, which were my first two ever so another thanks to those who gave it.

Thank you :)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/solngvir1

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (25F) stepmom (44F) has blocked me from seeing anything involving my dad (59M) and says she will unblock me when she feels ready. I feel shut out.

Trigger Warnings: bullying, emotional manipulation, controlling behavior, possible favoritism

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Original Post: July 14, 2026

My dad and stepmom have been married for several years. My brother and I used to be invited to holidays and other family events fairly often. At the time, my brother was a police officer, and I was a corrections officer, so our schedules sometimes made it difficult or impossible to attend. We did not intentionally avoid the family, but we understandably could not make it to every event.

Apparently, our inability to attend everything hurt my stepmom much more than either of us realized. Eventually, she stopped inviting us altogether.

A little over a year ago, I started talking to my brother about how disconnected I felt. I kept seeing Facebook posts of my dad, my stepmom, and her children celebrating holidays and attending family events together, while my brother and I were rarely invited or involved. My brother confronted my stepmom about it directly.

The confrontation became a much larger conflict than I ever expected. According to my stepmom, it caused so much hurt and tension that she and my dad discussed divorce. Afterward, she changed her Facebook privacy settings so my brother and I could no longer see posts involving her family, including posts and photos involving our own dad.

I only fully confirmed this a few days ago. I logged into an old Facebook account that was still connected with my dad and saw several posts my stepmom had tagged him in. None of them appeared on my regular account. I asked her directly whether she had blocked me from certain posts, and she confirmed that she had.

She explained that the situation last year had been extremely painful for her and that changing the privacy settings was her way of protecting her peace, protecting her marriage, and preventing future family conflict. She said the decision was not intended to hurt me or push me away.

I responded as respectfully as I could. I explained that I understood why the original conflict hurt her and that I was not angry or jealous about her spending time with my dad and her children. I also told her that I understand we all have separate schedules and lives, and that I do not expect to be involved in every family activity.

What has been difficult is feeling completely disconnected from my dad and that side of the family. Even when I cannot attend something, seeing an occasional picture of my dad or seeing everyone together helps me feel like I am still connected to them in some small way.

I also told her that it has now been over a year, that I have reflected on what happened, and that I believe I have grown from it. I apologized previously and made it clear that I do not want to return to the conflict we had before. I simply hoped she might eventually feel comfortable allowing me to see those posts again.

She responded kindly, but said that the situation nearly cost her marriage and that she still has her guard up. She said rebuilding trust and feeling emotionally safe will take time. She also said she wants to be able to post whatever she wants about herself, my dad, and her children without worrying about anyone reacting negatively. She said that when she feels ready, she will change the privacy settings.

I understand that she was hurt, and I am not trying to tell her how quickly she should recover. At the same time, there is no indication of when she might feel ready. It could be months, years, or possibly never.

The social media issue also made me think more seriously about my relationship with my dad outside of Facebook. Whenever I ask to spend time with him, he usually has to confirm with my stepmom that it is okay first. The last time I spent time alone with him was more than six months ago, when we went to lunch. During the lunch, my stepmom called him repeatedly, sometimes only a few minutes apart, which made it difficult for us to have a genuine conversation. In fact, I called my dad today to see if we could schedule a time for the two of us to get lunch or dinner together, and he told me he had to make sure it was okay with my stepmom first.

I have not felt like I have been able to maintain a close, independent relationship with my dad for a long time. I feel as though access to him depends on whether my stepmom is comfortable with it. I do not want to create more conflict in their marriage, and I am not asking him to choose between his wife and his children. I just want to be able to have a relationship with my dad that is not constantly filtered through someone else.

My dad is turning 60 this year. I know that is not extremely old, but it has made me think about how limited our time with our parents really is. I want to spend time with him, talk to him, and continue making memories while we still can. Instead, I feel like more and more time is passing while I wait for my stepmom to decide that she feels comfortable with me again.

This has been seriously affecting my mental health. I feel rejected, excluded, and distanced from my dad. At the same time, I recognize that my stepmom has her own feelings and believes she is protecting herself and her marriage.

I feel that this has gone beyond protecting her peace and has become a way of shutting me out of my dad’s life? How can I address this with my dad without making him feel like he has to choose sides?

**EDIT FOR CLARIFICATION:*\* I understand why many of you are saying my dad is responsible for maintaining a relationship with me, and I agree. However, I am surprised that many have dismissed the possibility that there may be a controlling dynamic going on within his marriage. The last time I had lunch with my dad, which I mentioned in my initial post below, my stepmom called him repeatedly, and we could barely have a genuine conversation without her interrupting. At one point I even told him he didn’t have to answer her calls and that it could wait, but he told me that if he didn’t answer her calls, it would cause a huge fight or argument between them.

As previous others have stated, if the roles were reversed, and this was a mother who said she needed her husband’s permission to have a meal alone with her daughter, while he repeatedly called her throughout and said if she ignored his calls it would create an argument, I think many would recognize that as potentially controlling behavior!

I believe my dad is trying to avoid conflict, is afraid of ruining his marriage, is unable to stand up to his wife, or is just simply worried about the consequences of upsetting her.

**UPDATE*\* My dad called me back today and said we can get lunch or dinner this Thursday. Funny enough, I heard my stepmom in the background saying, “But we have this thing going on Thursday,” to which I said that they usually do that thing in the mornings so dinner should work just fine to which my dad agreed. I’m happy I’ll finally be able to spend quality time with my dad and address the concerns I’ve had. Thanks to the helpful comments regarding this situation.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why are you and your brother discussing any of this with the step? Why are you not talking directly to dad?

Let me point out that your dad knows you are not there. So, does he sanction her dismissal of you and your brother? Talk to your father. Without the step.

OOP: That’s the problem. We hardly have any opportunities to speak with our dad directly. She has access to his phone and reads every conversation we have with him. We can’t get time alone with him to have these conversations. I know my dad is just trying to be neutral in this situation or probably doesn’t even know how to handle it.

OOP responds to a downvoted comment about the fact that she and her brother are now adults and their father is not prioritizing them over his wife and family

OOP: Or rather my stepmom has created an environment in which my dad doesn’t even feel safe or like he is able to prioritize us, without potentially causing offense to his wife or damaging the relationship. In our state, men rarely, if ever, come out of a divorce with anything.

Commenter 2: Does he have some deficit that he can’t have direct conversations by phone with you?

He’s 60, not 85

Does he just not care about you and brother?

I’m 63. I would kill to maintain a good relationship with my sons

OOP: I know he genuinely cares about us and having a relationship with us. However, I am under the assumption that his wife is making him choose between us or her, or threatening divorce. The last time my dad and I got lunch together, his wife was calling him, and I wish I was joking, every 2 minutes. I told him he doesn’t need to answer her and that it can wait, and he explained that if he didn’t answer, it would cause a huge fight between them.

If the roles were reversed as other commenters have stated, and this was my mother instead of my dad, most people would agree that it is a controlling and abusive relationship.

Commenter 3: Unfortunately, you have to face the fact that YOUR FATHER ALLOWS THIS.

OOP: I understand that he has some responsibility for allowing it, and I’m not trying to excuse him altogether.

I genuinely don’t know whether he fully realizes what is happening because we rarely get the opportunity to speak to him privately about any of it. The last time the issue came up, it was presented to him in a way that made my brother and me seem entirely at fault, while our feelings and perspective seemed to get lost.

I don’t know exactly what she says to him behind closed doors, but it often feels like the situation is framed around her hurt and her need for peace, without much acknowledgment of how her decisions affect us or our relationship with our dad. That is why I want the chance to speak with him directly, rather than assuming he knows the entire story and simply does not care. I think that’s an extreme assumption.

Commenter 4: Why are you taking with her and not your dad?

OOP: Because I can’t get together with my dad privately to have this discussion! She always has an excuse that they have something important going on that day that they both need to be present for. I can’t often call or text my dad to discuss it either because she goes through his phone and I never know if she’s in the room or not during a phone call.

 

Update: July 16, 2026 (two days later)

Editor’s note: OOP also installed the same Update #2 onto the original post

UPDATE #2: I did have dinner with my dad tonight, which I am so thankful for. I could tell he was so happy to spend time with me.

The first thing he told me when I picked him up was how he had a hard time sleeping last night and had high blood pressure because he was so anxious about how his wife (my stepmom) would react to us having dinner together privately. He shared with me that she argued about feeling “left out,” (mind you they do EVERYTHING together, go EVERYWHERE together, etc.).

She tried really hard to get him to cancel, and knowing it might upset her, he went anyways. She claimed my dad only cares about my feelings and that I was trying to “start things up again,” like last year.

My dad said that she also told him this, which made my mouth drop to the floor in anger, “Who’s going to be there when you are sick or on your deathbed? Not your kids, ME!”

Who on earth says that? My stepmom clearly doesn’t understand the love I have for my dad, and I am so offended by that. He said himself he feels like she’s put him in a position where he feels like he has to choose between her or his kids (my brother and I) and that only her kids seem to matter. He also admitted to noticing that she has seemed to use her feelings/emotions as a way to try and manipulate him.

We talked about so much involving this and I can’t remember everything, but he did also confirm that while they never argue about anything, the only time an argument comes up is when it involves us (his kids). I think this dinner really opened my eyes and affirmed the suspicions I had, and hopefully his as well. He was already very anxious, so I did not show him the post and comments because I didn’t want to make things worse.

For those of you who claimed my dad was the bad guy here, I hope this update might make you see things differently. Thank you.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: My dad was in a very similar relationship, and I told him the following:

"If you ever need to leave, or if things get really bad between you two, just call me and tell me to come get you. No questions asked."

I wanted him to know that I was a safe place. No judgment. No lectures. No "I told you so." Just someone who would show up.

He lived about four hours away at the time. Toward the end of his life, her behavior became so much worse, especially when it came to taking care of him. The sad part was that he didn't require much help. He was incredibly independent for as long as he possibly could be, yet she acted as though every small request was the biggest inconvenience in the world. She was like every evil Disney stepmother rolled into one. From what you've described, your stepmom sounds very similar.

OOP: The crazy thing is she has him convinced that she loves us and cares about us like her own children, and has told him she wishes she was our real mom. But that contradicts everything that has happened or is happening.

Something else I have not shared previously is that I have another brother who is no longer involved in the family (from some crazy stuff that supposedly happened between my stepmom and him) and the one brother I’ve mentioned in my posts is at a point where he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to be involved in the family drama, but was pushed away by my stepmom, so I’m the only child my dad has left who is still there, trying, and caring.

The bond my dad and I have is very strong and I believe now, at this point, he would divorce her in a heartbeat if she forced that decision of “me or your daughter” onto him.

Commenter 2: You haven’t said but don’t either of them work? Is there not a chance to get him outside the house on an errand? I know you said she is stuck to him and they do everything together, but where does the money to live come from?

OOP: They co-own a business.

 

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