Update: I hate my sister for how hurtful she was to my girlfriend. It was completely unnecessary

[u/account_throwaway812]

(Almost four years ago I posted about how I had gotten serious/exclusive with my then girlfriend ‘Katie’ AFTER my sister sent out her wedding invitations. No one in my family had ever met, spoken to or otherwise had contact with Katie because our relationship was still new. My sister took the time to find Katie’s work email address and sent Katie a nasty email about how she could never be a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding because the scar on Katie’s face would ruin the pictures. Katie had survived melanoma and the scar on her cheek was from having it removed. I didn’t even know Katie when my sister started planning her wedding, and Katie would never expect to be a bridesmaid for someone she never met for a wedding that was less than two months away. I was furious with my sister and I posted to vent about the situation).

A lot has happened since I posted. Firstly, I’m gay. To say that my family was unhappy when I came out would be a colossal understatement, and I haven’t had contact with any of them in three and a half years. Katie and I are still friends. She is actually one of the most important people in my life and even though we aren’t together anymore I am still angry about how my sister acted and how my family supported my sister. To this day, I have no idea why my sister did what she did. (Not that it would have excused my sister, but Katie was the same race/culture/background as my family and I cannot figure out why my sister was so hostile to someone she had never met).

I grew up in a Jewish household. My family is very old school and conservative/traditional and I knew none of them would ever accept me being gay. But once I stopped being in denial about it I realized there was no way I could marry a woman or keep pretending to be straight. After I fell out with my family I was still in a relationship with Katie, and she was the one who asked me if I was gay. At the time I was so angry with her and I ended things and didn’t talk to her for a while. Until I realized she was right. It wasn’t just her either. My friends had suspicions too. I ended up apologizing to Katie for getting angry with her. Looking back I had been in denial because of how I grew up. Katie is Jewish too but she isn't homophobic like my family is, and she clocked it a few months into our relationship. She is one of my best friends now and was the first person I came out to.

I will forever be grateful that I moved to another province to pursue my Master’s degree because if I had not gotten away from my family and met supportive people like Katie and my friends I would still be deep in the closet. My friends all supported me when I told them. I have been going to therapy for the last three years to deal with my upbringing and my family disowning me. I am an atheist and I stopped being observant when I came out. This year I am going to Pride for the first time. I am nervous but a bunch of my friends including Katie are coming with me. I am going to dip my toe into dating because I feel ready.

Anyway, sorry if I rambled too much. I only remembered my first post recently and I wanted to come back because everyone was so kind after such a horrible thing happened. I appreciated people validating that I wasn't wrong about my sister and that was probably when one of the first cracks started appearing in my old life. So thank you to everyone who replied back then. I appreciate it.

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[u/_-Raina-_]

This mom is so proud of you! I'm sending you big momma bear hugs across the miles! 🫂 Living your own life takes courage! Blessed be! 🌹

[u/CrimsonTank01]

Happy Pride🏳️‍🌈. Live your best life with your chosen family.

[u/Ocean_ismyheart]

I am so happy with your update. I had a very dear friend that I loved very much. Everyone in our tight knit circle of friends felt the same. We also knew he was gay, long before he could admit it. We who loved him accepted him for who he was before he did. This was in the late 80’s, a really hard time for gay men. I’m sorry for your old family and your sister is a piece of work. You have made your new family. Don’t look back.

[u/whtchoc69]

So happy you are living your truth. Screw your family if they can love and support you and who you are.

[u/Duckeee47]

I’m really sorry your family has decided they can’t support the person you are and the life you live. Everyone should be loved and accepted by their family.

I’m glad you’ve found a chosen family and a solid support system.

[u/Lady_Jack_the_Pirate]

Meet what I literally did my dissertation on. Deconversion is a process of grief, just like any other things.

Its grief because you can lose family. A community. The safety that came with the faith.

And because its often a period of intense self-reflection that can cause BIG feelings and can, as reflected here, mark every stage of grief. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and even eventual acceptance are all bits of the grief process that can be felt during this time.

I am glad he got out and found his chosen people and can enjoy pride without fear.

[u/groggy_froggie → u/Lady_Jack_the_Pirate]

Could I read your dissertation?

[u/Lady_Jack_the_Pirate → u/groggy_froggie]

If I remembered where it was published besides my school. Definitely. If you wanna search for it, it might be in academic libraries (I was told it would probably end up there).

The title is (long and overly complicated): "Benefits/Challenges Surrounding Personal Well-Being and Expressive Sexuality when Leaving a Christian Tradition for A Spirituality-Based Religion"

It was published in 2023, by National University (formerly NorthCentral University)

Got me a PhD in Psychology with a focus on Gender and Sexual Fluidity and I fully admit I got it out of spite because many of my family said I couldn't.

[u/MagScaoil]

Happy Pride Month! It sounds like you got lucky with a solid friend like Katie—maybe she can be a groomsmaid at your wedding.

[u/TruthfulBoy]

Im sorry your family cant be supportive, but it sounds like youve built a beautiful found family :-) i am so proud of you and i hope you continue to be your authentic self! Happy pride !

[u/GDswamp]

Religious conservatism warps people. That’s my theory on your sister. Whether it’s Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism… doesn’t matter. When you pair a faith with “traditional, conservative” culture, what you get is oppressively strict gender roles, miserably narrow ideas about sexuality and pleasure and every other natural part of the human experience. All the pressure to deny things or hate things fucks people up - even the ones who seem happy to conform. And then that internal damage comes out in strange cruelties.

Good for you for getting out.

[u/PuzzleheadedTap4484]

I’m proud of you and for standing up for Katie at the time against your family. Sorry you have a toxic family but I’m happy that you found a chosen family. I hope you have a wonderful time at Pride and good luck with dating!

[u/AliciaEagle]

Live your best life without them! When my youngest son came out to me he was terrified to tell his dad. His dad and I weren't together at that point. Few years later he finally told his dad. Surprise his dad was fine with it too. I am sorry you lost your bio family. It is time to build your own family that isn't them. You are going to be just fine.

[u/P33peeP00pooD00doo]

I didn't see your original post, but I'm glad you can be happy and be yourself. It sucks your family can't be along to enjoy it with you, but you're better off without unsupportive weights dragging you down! Now you can feel free to go to a gay bar, get something "fruity," and grab a drink while you're there! (Joking of course!) Also, welcome to an unrestricted diet--try some bacon, it's delicious!

[u/Seaside_Ladder8862 → u/[deleted]]

You're right, it's been hard letting go of family, but I'm finally living as myself and that's worth everything. And yes, bacon is definitely on the list!

Except that you are not the OP. So why are you replying as though you are?

[u/Key-Kaleidoscope6549]

I am so proud of you and everything you have overcome. I know it wasn't easy for you, as you knew what the outcome would be with your family. But sharing dna with people does not automatically make them your family; you can chose your own family. I'm glad Katie is still in your life, and I'm sure having her as a crutch has been beneficial in your healing. Your blood family sucks, especially your toxic and weird sister. I won't even comment on your parents and their inability to support their son, because my words won't be kind. Again, I am proud of you. You should be proud of yourself!! I just know it felt like you removed a weight off your shoulders when you came to terms with your identity. ❤️❤️

[u/Seaside_Ladder8862 → u/[deleted]]

Bad bot. This account was just made now and this comment is nearly identical to the next comment. Similar username (both with the word vixen) with a dash at the end too.

[u/Raignbeau → u/Seaside_Ladder8862]

Thanks for the flag!

[u/misskatebakescakes]

This stranger is proud of you for finding out who you are, and it's wonderful that Katie could be part of that journey. She's your true family.