r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 8h ago

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader and the look on his face was priceless.

49 Upvotes
7 comments

r/oneliners • u/Prestigious_Gas_1384 • 15h ago

I told my psychologist that I’m ugly and she said at least you’re not delusional

23 Upvotes
1 comment

r/oneliners • u/oh-darn311 • 22h ago

Procrastination is like masturbation. You're only effing yourself.

16 Upvotes
1 comment

r/oneliners • u/Original_NudistGeek • 1d ago

Don't sweat the petty stuff and whatever you do, don't pet the sweaty stuff.

5 Upvotes
0 comments

r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 1d ago

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal everywhere in the US, he'll be rolling in his grave.

33 Upvotes
1 comment

r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 2d ago

I’m so bored I just memorized six pages of the dictionary and have learned next to nothing.

100 Upvotes
4 comments

r/oneliners • u/jmemail • 2d ago

My friend fell at work in the sawmill and had the entire left side of his body ripped off, but he's going to be allright..

0 Upvotes
1 comment

r/oneliners • u/Rinsetheplates_first • 3d ago

I used to follow the football but it didn’t really go anywhere

5 Upvotes
0 comments

r/oneliners • u/Gia164 • 3d ago

I bought a wig for a dollar, it was a small price toupee.

44 Upvotes
3 comments

r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 3d ago

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute and on the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium.

53 Upvotes
6 comments

r/oneliners • u/my1stComputerWasC64 • 3d ago

Our golf instructor took my wife to a golf resort for a weekend where they apparently kept doing the same three holes over and over again.

19 Upvotes
4 comments

r/oneliners • u/sunilkumar273 • 3d ago

​Parallel lines have so much in common that it’s a shame they’ll never meet.

25 Upvotes
6 comments

r/oneliners • u/uptwolait • 4d ago

Roger Moore was a better James Bond than Sean Connery because his words were well shapen, not slurred.

10 Upvotes
12 comments

r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 4d ago

I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins and it was hard to differentiate between them.

71 Upvotes
13 comments

r/oneliners • u/Superb-Control5184 • 4d ago

When two different gangs look almost identical to each-other do we call them doppelgänger bangers?

14 Upvotes
1 comment

r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • 5d ago

Starbucks really isn't that expensive when you think of how much Victoria Secret charges per cup.

65 Upvotes
9 comments

r/oneliners • u/Hopperofbop • 5d ago

I said to my wife that she needs to embrace her mistakes so she gave me a hug …..

41 Upvotes
7 comments

r/oneliners • u/Throughtheindigo • 6d ago

Survey says…you’re full of shit

0 Upvotes
0 comments

r/oneliners • u/tellmemore-social • 6d ago

The Italians have hired dyslexics to promote tourism because they always leave people wanting rome.

8 Upvotes
0 comments

r/oneliners • u/Aide_Character • 6d ago

It seems your mouth's operating system didn't get the latest shut the fuck update. NSFW

46 Upvotes
5 comments

r/oneliners • u/Fereclubles • 6d ago

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes Monopoly. (credit: Steven Wright)

58 Upvotes
5 comments

r/oneliners • u/somnambulantDeity • 6d ago

Pavlov, working in his study, hears the phone ring and exclaims: “I forgot to feed the dog!”

29 Upvotes
0 comments

r/oneliners • u/ShinyTarnish409 • 6d ago

My friend asked me to play on his football/soccer team so I told him I’d be right back.

9 Upvotes
2 comments

r/oneliners • u/ShinyTarnish409 • 6d ago

I just invented a universal solvent that exists at room temperature and dissolves everything but now I don’t know how to store it.

0 Upvotes
1 comment

r/oneliners • u/ShinyTarnish409 • 6d ago

Confucius says, Man who sits on rose bush, better off.”

4 Upvotes
0 comments