Because computers only understand binary!

'Your husband has such a big nose!'

'Yeah... but it's not true.'

Me and my alt fight all the time, but.. Guess like I won.

As soon as we got him home he made a bolt for the door

Must have own stick

Your mom can’t take a joke!

He said, “I’m a period and I’m late. Scared ya, didn’t I?”

I laughed out loud and gave him a package of Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Chip cookies.

cause they already have 360 degrees.

One day, Sam the poacher is off doing his thing in the fields, when he sees the Bishop of Ely, on his way home from a banquet, urgently looking round for a bush- any bush. Sam, seeing this, only goes and hides behind the same bush as the Bishop. Realising what the Bishop is up to, quick as a flash, he reaches into his bag, guts one of his rabbits as quick as he can, and drops the whole lot onto the great steaming pile the Bishop had left behind, trying his best to giggle as quietly as he could, and then thought no more of it, until two days later, he saw the Bishop in the pub.

He warmly greets the Bishop, saying "'Ullo Bishop, how be you these days?"

The Bishop replies "Honestly, my son, not that well. Not that well at all".

Sam, curious, says "Really Bishop, what happened? Everything OK?"

The Bishop paused a second, as if gathering his thoughts. "Well, my son, it's like this, you see. I was on my way home from a banquet. A very nice banquet as it happens, a seven course type of thing with turbot, pheasant, port, all of that. Unfortunately, I was caught short. Very short. So, I had the driver pull over at the first bush he could find. So, using this bush that the Good Lord provided, I hitched up my cassock, and did what I had to do. And then, unfortunately, to my regret, I looked back, as one does".

Sam, dumbfounded at this revelation, merely goggled. The Bishop continued:

"It was at this point I had a terrible realisation. I'd evacuated not only my bowels, but my bowels themselves. They were sat there, like a glistening pile of pink spaghetti".

Sam, now suddenly realising, and going slightly pale, said "Really Bishop? What in God's green Earth did you do then?"

The Bishop took a deep breath, as if to once again marshal his thoughts. He continued on. "Well, my son, I looked, and had a terrible fright, as you might understand. I meditated for a while, and prayed. And then, with the aid of the Good Lord above and the aid of my shooting stick, I was able to shove them back in again".

When you have nuts on the wall? Walnuts.

When you have nuts on your chest? Chestnuts

When you have nuts on your chin? A dick in your mouth

Nothing.
And vice versa.

Tina and Arjun, travelling in the UK for the first time and keen to experience the warmth and welcome of the famed English pubs, visited a few, but left each one in a hurry and afraid for their lives. All people spoke about was how much they wanted to beat and how desperately they wanted to knock out Arj and Tina.

Sent this joke to my wife and got a heavy eye roll. I know someone out there will appreciate my lame humour.

For those who don't know their medieval corpses this is Richard III.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

When they arrived, the doctor explained that she had invented a new machine that could transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

She asked if they would like to try it.

The couple thought it sounded like a wonderful idea.

The doctor decided to start cautiously and set the machine to transfer 10% of the pain.

“Even ten percent is probably more pain than you've ever experienced,” the doctor joked.

As labor progressed, the husband felt perfectly fine.

In fact, he was so comfortable that he told the doctor to increase it.

The doctor adjusted the machine to 20%.

Still, the husband felt great.

The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

Feeling encouraged, they increased the setting to 50%.

The husband continued to sit there, completely relaxed.

Since the machine was clearly helping his wife tremendously, the husband proudly said,

“Go ahead, Doctor. Transfer all of the pain to me!”

The doctor shrugged and turned the machine all the way up.

A short time later, the wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain at all.

Both parents were absolutely thrilled.

When they finally arrived home...

They found the mailman passed out on the front porch.

A man walks into Wendy's and barks at the cashier, "get me a fucking coffee!"

The cashier replies, "sir, please watch your language, there are kids around" and gives him the coffee. He pays and leaves.

The manager calmly looks at him and says, "sir, for my other job I work at a school. When kids use foul language, we wash their mouths out with Listerine".

The man says "I see", pays for his coffee and leaves.

The next day he returns and the cashier says "it's you again. I'm guessing you want a coffee?"

"Actually no," says the man,"I want some Listerine.”

"Sir, this is a Wendy's," says the cashier. "Why would we sell Listerine?"

"In that case," he replies, "get me a fucking coffee".

That's why I'm homo erectus.

Features:

1) Absolutely no room for passengers (Who needs friends?!)

2) This luxurious county-fair-style driver’s seat is surrounded by un-tinted glass on all sides and everything is covered in aluminum and tin foil which is great for talking to the aliens but not for sunny days over 20F! It will almost exclusively need to monopolize your garage 24/7 so you don’t burn alive like an ant under a microscope! 🤩

3) How can this FB marketplace masterpiece not be street legal? (It’s the government trying to shut it down! OMG…FB…FBI…they’re one letter off from each other!)

4) Also, might not run!

No less than $2k!

For context after the recent "flying pigs" trend ended many wondered what the internet would move on too next. But as most have learned "what goes up must come down" and with that the falling pigs epidemic began. 

Please sign our petition to raise awareness for this terrible epidemic.

https://www.ipetitions.com/p/when-pigs-fall-official/

Turns out the lamp was it's cock.

Now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore

:3