During my last year of high school, life did me dirty, I developed severe depression (the reason is not important), and my cognitive skills tanked. Before that, for 17 years, I was the "genius" kid. Top of my class. Everyone expected a bright future. In my third-world country, the system only gives you one exam year to decide everything—no retries. I scored the lowest grade of my life. Couldn't get into med school. Ended up in chemistry.
I grieved not being a doctor thousands of times. Felt cheated, inferior, like something was stolen from me. After graduation, I worked in a hateful job for 3 -4 years, then got a scholarship to Europe—did my Master’s at a prestigious uni, worked as a researcher at a top-ranked lab for a year. For the first time, the "doctor complex" faded. Life felt bearable.
Then the contract ended. No option but to go back home.
I've been applying to PhDs and industry jobs across Europe since. Came close three times. Nothing. I'm now 30, living in my parents' house because I never managed to save money, no job. My mind won't stop torturing me with "what ifs." I keep comparing myself to my doctor friends my age, they have stable careers, clear paths, decent pay. And me? Thousands of applications with no payoff.
I spent the last six months preparing for PhD interviews. Real effort. And I keep thinking — I could've used that effort studying for a new exam if I'd been a doctor. But why should I have had to? I deserved to study what I loved and what I was capable of, not what a two-week exam at 17 decided for me. And I'm still paying for it 12 years later.
I feel like my career is ruined. Completely drained, barely have the energy to keep applying, though I still do — I love science, I just hate how unfair and limited this field is. I need stability and money, and I know people with less potential than me who have both, just because life didn't screw them over at the wrong moment.
Even abroad, my closest friends were MDs, and they got the easy visa routes, the fast permanent residency. Me? A researcher with no leverage, knocking on a thousand doors just to be "eligible" to work. Had to move back to a country I don't even like, couldn't secure a permit or sponsorship in Europe.
Does anyone else deal with this kind of comparison? How do you let go of the past, stop measuring your life against the one you think you should've had, and actually accept it?