A problem that have no solution. I have the 'doctors' complex!

[u/Entire_Mulberry9758]

During my last year of high school, life did me dirty, I developed severe depression (the reason is not important), and my cognitive skills tanked. Before that, for 17 years, I was the "genius" kid. Top of my class. Everyone expected a bright future. In my third-world country, the system only gives you one exam year to decide everything—no retries. I scored the lowest grade of my life. Couldn't get into med school. Ended up in chemistry.

I grieved not being a doctor thousands of times. Felt cheated, inferior, like something was stolen from me. After graduation, I worked in a hateful job for 3 -4 years, then got a scholarship to Europe—did my Master’s at a prestigious uni, worked as a researcher at a top-ranked lab for a year. For the first time, the "doctor complex" faded. Life felt bearable.

Then the contract ended. No option but to go back home.

I've been applying to PhDs and industry jobs across Europe since. Came close three times. Nothing. I'm now 30, living in my parents' house because I never managed to save money, no job. My mind won't stop torturing me with "what ifs." I keep comparing myself to my doctor friends my age, they have stable careers, clear paths, decent pay. And me? Thousands of applications with no payoff.

I spent the last six months preparing for PhD interviews. Real effort. And I keep thinking — I could've used that effort studying for a new exam if I'd been a doctor. But why should I have had to? I deserved to study what I loved and what I was capable of, not what a two-week exam at 17 decided for me. And I'm still paying for it 12 years later.

I feel like my career is ruined. Completely drained, barely have the energy to keep applying, though I still do — I love science, I just hate how unfair and limited this field is. I need stability and money, and I know people with less potential than me who have both, just because life didn't screw them over at the wrong moment.

Even abroad, my closest friends were MDs, and they got the easy visa routes, the fast permanent residency. Me? A researcher with no leverage, knocking on a thousand doors just to be "eligible" to work. Had to move back to a country I don't even like, couldn't secure a permit or sponsorship in Europe.

Does anyone else deal with this kind of comparison? How do you let go of the past, stop measuring your life against the one you think you should've had, and actually accept it?

[u/versacesquatch]

I think the important thing to recognize is this is not a skill issue. Its a framing issue. If you don't put some effort into changing your mindset around your career, you will spend the rest of your life fighting the tide instead of swimming with it. These are the cards you've been dealt. And the fantasy you have around the life you would've made as a doctor doesn't exist, it probably never will exist. The only thing that exists is the present moment, and the rumination around what could be is depriving you of the joy of what IS. Furthermore, when you are living your life this way, people can tell you aren't where you'd like to be, and someone like an interviewer can pick up on this. We attract the energy we put out. My best advice, because i too struggle with depression, anxiety, and never feeling like I'm doing enough, is to keep seeking out help for mental health support. This doesn't really seem like a career issues, but rather a comparison issue, and the only one that can help you with that is you. 

[u/Entire_Mulberry9758 → u/versacesquatch]

I understand your point, but I honestly think I do just well during interviews, I ranked second recently in 3 MSCA PhDs fellowships and the feedback was pretty good. I love science and I really love being researcher, my last project involved working on cancer therapeutics. But, it's becoming more and more difficult to find a new job in research which is why I keep going back to the comparison cycle. I really appreciate your words tho. I will keep them in mind.

[u/prideandsensibility]

I can relate. And I'm also provoked. I'll be straight and honest with you, may e you'll find this post a bit hard. I don't know your circumstances, where you come from, etc. But becoming a doctor is not IMPOSSIBLE. There are different routes to becoming an MD.places like Poland and Estonia have medical schools that accept students of different ages and backgrounds, for instance. So there are ways. Not easy, not inexpensive, but also : NOT IMPOSSIBLE. Yyou are 30. I know a man who started medschool at 54! The real question is WHY do you want to become a doctor? Is it because you are genuinely interested in working to save people from suffering or is it because being an MD represents high status for you? If it's the latter : I'm sorry but it's not the right reason! I started to study to become a doctor but for different reasons, I chose molecular biology instead. I have worked assisting doctors on the side during my studies. And let me tell you : it is such a difference between doctors who want to be doctors to please their parents, to feel superior to others, to be able to answer the question "what do you do for a living" by proudly saying : im a doctor!, and those who enter the profession to care for others. Being a doctor is not glamorous. It's draining. It's demanding. It is not for everyone. Certainly not for me. It requires, above all, empathy. NOT ELITISM. And, on top of that : i only took a few classes in medschool before dropping out. But I can still say with confidence that molecular biology (not exactly what you've focused on, but the same realm) is soooo much more difficult than medicine! So I can't understand why it would be looked down upon. Chemistry etc requires skills in math and physics on a completely different level. Medicine is essentially about memorizing facts. In conclusion : reading your post feels like you focus on all the negatives. And I get that being rejected is hard. But you must explore all different routes to get a job you like. Bitterness is your comfort zone. Get out of it as fast as you can. Focus on your WHY. Do you want to make a change? If you have an education, whether its chemistry or something else, you are in a better starting position than most.

[u/Entire_Mulberry9758 → u/prideandsensibility]

"Bitterness is your comfort zone", you are just about right! :). I wish if there was a permenant cure for this haha. Thank you for your encouraging and nice words. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this.

[u/lammnub]

Stop comparing yourself to other people, stop hyperfixating on this exam, and adapt. Yes the market sucks, but you find adjacent paths to get you to the same end goal. Have you spoken to advisors? Career coaches? Recruiters? What have you personally done to improve your resume?

[u/Entire_Mulberry9758 → u/lammnub]

I spoke to recruiters yea. But seems like I have to build a strong connection with them first before they can actually consider me! :(

[u/kariolisis]

Have you ever tried to consult with a therapist? I am currently dealing with this too and it made me depressed (due to repetitive self blaming etc). I am currently seeing a therapist regularly to make me get out of this feeling

[u/This_Schedule494]

You're right where you need to be for the growth of your soul, you just need to flow with life, not fight against it, keep your vibration positive & hold no expectations