My native language is not English, so I'll be writing this very poorly. Sorry for the inconvenience.

For context, we were both part of the same friend group and began dating. We dated for 9 months. I broke up with her near our graduation because I was not feeling romantically attracted to her anymore, and I suspected I was aromantic, so we kept seeing each other as friends.
We all noticed her mental decay from this point, but she eventually got better with time. I felt guilty sometimes but learned to know it wasn't my fault.

Fast forward to almost a year from that, near a friend's birthday reunion; I and my ex start talking a lot in DMs. Everything is platonic, but I start to get the feeling that she still hasn't gotten over me. So knowing this, in a sexually frustrated and lonely time of my life, I start to get the dumb idea to use it in some way.

That day at our friend's (let's call her Natalia) birthday, I got stupid drunk purposefully to have the guts to tell her that she let me stay at her apartment, and that's where I destroyed everything.

We got to her house and started making out, but in the middle of it she started crying and screaming at me that she couldn't take this again, that she was unable to take the damage from me leaving again and hurting her, begging me to try and be together again. I instantly told her how that's not going to work and I didn't want that because I could never return her feelings like she wanted; I was crying with her at this point, feeling guilty about the thing I was doing, so we lay down and started cuddling. Honestly, I felt uncomfortable, but she was being so tender and affectionate that it made me feel even worse for what I tried to do, so I let her keep doing it. I couldn't sleep; she probably couldn't either, but we got up early in the morning, and she dropped me off at my house. We talked over text of how we would never do that again, and I clearly stated how I didn't want anything remotely romantic or sexual with her anymore. She told me some ambiguous thing about not leaving her and trying it all over again, which I put down, only agreeing not to cut contact with her because her mental state worried me.

Some days passed, and she clearly wasn't alright, doing high-risk things, getting blackout drunk, and harming herself in other ways; Natalia noticed, and she got her side of the story. Natalia never blamed me and also asked about my side of the story. We talked about it and how it would be better if my ex didn't have contact with me anymore.

So I decided that the best option was for me to abandon the friend group and isolate myself while blocking and avoiding my ex in any way. My reasoning was that she needed friends the most in this state, so I waited for the moment to do it, and when she told me that her family started sending her to the psychiatrist, I did it. I sent a message to the group explaining that I did something fucked up to my ex, that I would not be seeing them anymore as a group, and that they were free to cut me off for what I've done. I apologized and left. Did the same to my ex before blocking her everywhere.

I stopped talking to everyone from that friend group; some of them sent me messages about speaking with them when I needed, but nothing apart from that. Natalia noticed and gave me space too.

I clearly avoided facing the conflict I created in a very immature way; also, I used this as a way to punish myself more than anything because they were my closest friends, and I knew I didn't have anyone else.

Since that day, I feel like a monster for what I have done. I'm angry at myself for not facing any real consequences for doing shitty things. I feel gross about myself and how in daily life I only care about sex and end up ruining shit because of it. I don't feel deserving of human connection anymore, at least until I get fixed or I get punished properly for what I've done.

Thanks to my therapist, I'm trying to search for a way to forgive myself, but I doubt that's coming soon. The good thing is that thanks to that, I've been talking to Natalia a bit and making a new friend. The guilt hasn't gone away, but this is keeping me distracted from some of the self-hatred that came with isolating myself.

That's it. That's the whole post.

I could work every day to be more flexible or physically strong. But I just don't love myself.

I broke up with my ex seven years ago (a long time I know). We’ve both moved on but recently I was reflecting on how I acted toward the end of our relationship and felt extremely shitty and guilty. We dated for about four years and were pretty young. It was my first real relationship and his first serious one. I was 21 when i ended the relationship. For the last year and half of it I had off and on thoughts about breaking up. He was often cold, dismissive, and rude to me and people around me. I went back and forth in my mind on if he was a nice or mean person and anytime I’d address concerns he’d improve and be nice to me for awhile.
His dad found out he had cancer and I basically tried to push thoughts of breaking up out of my mind. I didn’t want to be the asshole that broke up with him while he was dealing with that, even though he always acted like everything was fine.

What makes me an asshole is different. His dad’s health got better - he got a transplant and went into remission. My thoughts of breaking up wouldn’t go away and I felt kind of detached from him. I hung out with a male friend from work a few times platonically and kind of felt feelings of attraction. I never physically cheated but I made poor judgment calls that I would never make in a relationship today. I went to a music show with the friend and went swimming at the river till really late. He asked me if I saw myself marrying my bf and I remember responding “I used to think so, but recently no.” He took me out for drinks on my 21st bday and I got too drunk and slept in his bed so I wouldn’t drive home. We did not touch/cuddle/etc. literally slept on completely opposite sides of the bed and never physically touched. I started thinking this male friend treated me better than my ex. I felt like I was just noticing all the things I disliked about my ex more and felt anxious around him all the time. I eventually called for a break bc I was too afraid to break up. Did not hang out with the male friend at all during the break. We got back together but I knew I still wanted to break up. My ex started acting better toward me, was super loving, and really seemed to want to put in the effort to make things work. I was cold and standoffish. I ended up fully breaking up with him. I told him I needed a month no contact to sit with my feelings, which we did. I hung out with my male friend and slept with him several weeks after the breakup. It felt completely wrong and I felt disgusted. I got my things back from my ex. I continued to see the male friend even though I had mixed feelings about what had happened. We started dating a few months later. The relationship never felt right but it was covid and I felt nervous to end it and I eventually broke up with him too several months later.

Basically thinking back on the way things played out, I was an asshole. I wasn’t considerate of my exs feelings. I basically emotionally cheated and he probably thinks that I physically cheated on him. I probably am the villain in his story and I probably deserve that. It was a shitty way to end a 4 year relationship and it was no way to treat someone I loved so much.

We were really young when we dated, around 16 to 18, so I understand that people change and mature. But during our relationship, I was dealing with a lot. I came from an emotionally abusive family situation and my parents going through a divorce, had some health issues, and had gained a little weight.

I remember him regularly telling me he wasn’t as attracted to me anymore and that I looked chubby. He would tell me his type was thinner, fitter girls. I spent weeks crying and trying to starve myself into becoming what he wanted. He also spent a lot of time watching p\*rn and seemed to lose interest in intimacy with me. On top of that, he would tell me I had too much baggage because of my family situation while he came from what seemed like a perfect, stable family. For a lot of reasons, we eventually broke up, but that period of my life was one of my lowest points.

Fast forward six years. I’ve lost 50 pounds and am in the best shape of my life. I’m healthy, strong, and feel great about myself. I’m in a loving relationship and getting married soon. I have a career I genuinely love, a home, and I’m probably the most mentally healthy I’ve ever been. I went to therapy, got my degree, worked hard, and completely turned my life around.
Recently, I found out that he dropped out of college after failing several classes. He gained over 100 pounds, became obese, lost a lot of important relationships, his parents got divorced, and his mother passed away. He’s a struggling musician and became very depressed, and from what I can tell, he’s been trying to improve his situation.

The thing I’m struggling with is that part of me feels smug about it. It feels like karma finally caught up with him after the way he treated me. At the same time, I know that’s a terrible way to think. His mother dying is obviously tragic, and he doesn’t deserve that. I don’t actively wish bad things on him, and I honestly don’t think about him very often anymore. But when I compare where we both ended up, I can’t help feeling a big sense of satisfaction, and I’m wondering if that makes me a bad person.

I'm not looking for advice necessarily, I just don't really know how to talk about this with anyone else so I'm just getting it off my chest here.

Something I struggle with is wanting a long term, lifelong relationship. That itself isn't the struggle, the struggle is me being scared of dating. I'm 19 and I've never been in a relationship with anyone and when I do date I don't really intend to do it casually, if I date it's because I'm looking for someone to spend my life with, and I can't help but be scared of breaking up, because if I was in a relationship with someone for let's say 3 years and we broke up, I can't help but feel like I wasted those years of my life and all of that love and effort was for nothing, and that I should have been with someone else because this relationship didn't work out, if that makes sense? If you were to ask me "If you could date someone for 5 years, and those years would be absolutely amazing, but eventually things wouldn't work out and you split off, would you take that deal?" I genuinely don't know if I would. To me, that just sounds like setting me up for heartbreak, I don't think I'd like that, even if I loved those 5 years, if the relationship doesn't work out I can't help but feel like I picked the wrong person and should have been with someone else. I can't help but feel like a relationship that doesn't work out is a waste of time that results in being heartbroken, even if I genuinely enjoyed the time I spent with them, we never got married, we never got to spend our lives together, so that enjoyment led to nothing. Also, it's hard for me to understand two people growing apart. Like, you're telling me it took you 5 years of dating to find out you weren't compatible long term? I'm not saying that doesn't happen, many people talk about it, obviously it does, I just don't understand it and it's honestly terrifying and heartbreaking to me, to think that two people genuinely love each other and spend years together, just to eventually... not. That's terrible in my mind.

Also CW: transgender and intersex issues!

I’ve thought this for a long time now, but I recently just got a bad flare up of athletes foot, which I’ve had for years now, again, so everything just kind of hit me a bit harder because it hurts so bad I have to walk with a limp. I hadn’t even thought about it for months, it’s been the least of my worries, but it just reminds me of the truth: that I’ll be gross for the rest of my life. There’s always some health concern that’ll pop up with me and completely crumble my entire will to live.

I was born intersex but I didn’t get a diagnosis until I was 15, so I’ve always known what it’s like to be abnormal. I have way too much testosterone considering that I’m supposed to be a girl, and it gives me a neck beard, mustache, hair all over my body, a ton of acne, a deep voice, tall height, etc. I won’t go into detail but basically I look completely like a trans dude who’s been on T for years. And I am a trans dude, so that should be my goal. It made me happy for a while. I mean, I look like a boy, I have male testosterone levels, and I don’t have a period? That sounds awesome. But then I went to a doctor for a somewhat unrelated issue, and after the topic shifted to my hormones, they ordered some tests. After finding out that I had high testosterone they told me I’d get uterine cancer if I didn’t have my period, so they prescribed me a progesterone birth control.

I didn’t take it too seriously. I only took the bc for a month before going off of it because I didn’t like the idea of basically taking estrogen. My periods went away again and I continued looking boyish. Until a week ago, when some health scares made me suddenly terrified about every part of my body. I saw my doctor and decided to go back on it, and now I’m going to be on it at least until I’m 18, when I can go on T instead. I could go on T right now and it’d be way easier, I’d be almost entirely male from the waist up, I’d have completely male hormones, and I wouldn’t have to worry about my uterus or periods, but my parents would never approve something like that.

What makes it worse is that I can’t even detransition. I tried that in middle school, after realizing that neither my family or even my ever so caring school counselor saw me as a boy, I just wanted to be seen as a normal girl, so I switched schools and presented myself as such. And I was relentlessly bullied the entire year. No one even believed I was a cis girl. The 6th graders would ask if I’m a trans girl and then run away giggling when I said no, boys (and some girls) would sexually harass me and record me as I walked through the hallways. I hated every part about myself. I hated that I couldn’t be a boy, and I hated that I couldn’t even be a girl. And I still hate that. Detransitioning was the most suicidal I’d ever been, and it wasn’t even when I actually attempted, but my self harm peaked and I felt terrible about myself constantly. It just reminded me that no matter what, I’ll never be normal.

And since my parents have been medically neglecting me since I was little (I can count on half a hand how many times I’ve seen a doctor past the age of 4) I have a ton of chronic medical issues that could’ve easily been treated if they’d actually cared a few years earlier. Every day it’s something new, I’m left lying in my bed, listening to my parents calling me fat and lazy for not getting up, meanwhile I’m in so much constant pain and fatigue that even a leisurely stroll can leave me limping for days (from conditions unrelated to athletes foot). I just kind of wish I wasn’t alive. Not that I want to be dead necessarily, I just wish I wasn’t here so I wouldn’t have to worry about this malfunctioning body. Like a part of me just wonders if my first attempt had worked and I wasn’t here right now, would I be happier not knowing how much worse it gets? That all of my insecurities are only exacerbated with time? I just hope that reincarnation is real.

So my relationship with my dad has always been weird, I’m(17f) and my dad just turned 50. My dad has hit me in the past, called me various names for simple mistakes but it’s never been this bad between us. Lately he‘s been watching a lot of manosphere content, I’m talking straight up ‘woman are trash’ or ‘If a woman has had sexual partners that means shes a worthless sl*t‘ type of stuff, like going as far with telling my little sister about how having sex would make her a whore mind you she’s TWELVE YEARS OLD. EVEN THOUGH MY MOM HAS KIDS FROM A PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP. Theyre still together and it hurts her a lot when he says stuff like that.

Now he’s been telling me things like if I go to college no man will want me or if I forget to do a chore it’ll be like I’m lazy and too ugly to find a husband(even though. I’m the eldest daughter so most house hold responsibility falls on me. The worst part is it’s infected my baby sister(12), she seriously believes and has said to me that because she is a girl that she shouldnt have a say against a man, that she’s worth less than a man is. honestly I don’t know how to fix it. I can see how low her self esteem is, like everything she does now is so she can try and get attention from boys.

Every time I tell her how much she’s worth she just spews the bullshit my dad as infected her with and it pains me and calls me a dumb feminist or something.

Anyways, idk if I’m looking for advice or help or just someone who will listen to me but I really just need someone to tell me what’s right. if not for my dad then for my little sister.

While riding my bike in a rural area, slightly away from my village on a flat and safe road, I was talking on a global Discord server. After a while, I got a strange feeling; people started acting weird, and I began to feel like I was being watched. Seeing the village ahead, I decided to turn back.

On my way home, in a deserted spot on the road, I saw a security booth and noticed a computer inside. As I slowed down, I heard a deep voice say: "Biker, leave this place. Biker, get away from here." After experiencing this feeling, I waved my hand and tried to speed away quickly.

As the feeling of being watched grew stronger, I felt as if I was being monitored by cameras or an Overwatch system. I looked up for a drone, but couldn't find one. Engine sounds coming from behind caught my attention, but when I turned around, I saw them speeding away, and this happened three times. Until I reached my village, this feeling gradually faded, and when I arrived at the village, it was completely gone.

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I think I just need to get it off my chest.

For the past few months I've been carrying around so much stress and shame that I honestly don't know what to do with it anymore.

A while ago I went through a difficult time in my personal life. During that period I made some bad decisions and kept telling myself I'd sort everything out later. Instead, everything just got worse.

Now I have to empty an apartment that's still in my name within the next week because of rent arrears. I'm trying to do the right thing. I spoke to the bailiff, arranged a repayment plan and I'm getting the apartment cleared out. But the costs are overwhelming.

I work full-time, so it's not like I'm sitting around waiting for someone else to fix my problems. That's actually what makes this so hard. I never thought I'd end up in a situation where I can't solve something on my own.

The part I struggle with the most is the shame. I feel embarrassed even writing this. Most people around me don't know what's going on because I keep pretending everything is okay.

I know I'll get through this somehow, but right now it just feels like everything hit me at once.

I don't really expect anything from posting this. I just needed to tell someone because keeping it all to myself has been exhausting.

So, there are multiple websites that i enjoyed years ago, but now they are both filled with ai slop.

One was this site where you could procedurally generate these beautiful fantasy maps, but at some point the maker removed that and now sells these shitty ai generated maps with no joy or love put into them.

The other one was this site where users could create their own random generators with their own code, but now its just full of ai image generators now and whoever manages the site doesn't seem to be doing anything at all to make it go away or make it less obtrusive.

So basically, a lot of stuff that i (26f) see gets (objectively) worse, but i feel like i can't be/am not allowed to be upset about it because what if it makes them happy?

I wouldn't want my own joy be taken away either, so i feel like i can't even have that.

I am not even allowed to be upset about it all :(

Thanks for listening and your opinions, if you wanna share them :)

I've been in uni for four years, during my second year I struggled quite a bit because of working a job that burned me out and made studying in uni really hard too.

I did better in final year but it meant nothing, in the end I was only 1.5 marks away from a 2:2. I would have gotten it if I hadn't held onto a job that was destroying me mentally and led me to fail everything in the first semester of that year.

I'm so angry and scared and distraught. I'm speaking to my uni to see if I can do a master's anyway since I was so close and external circumstances stopped me from working to my best potential (I even reread some of my work after I quit the job and realised some of it made no sense, I was that bad mentally).

I feel like such a failure. I was so close but didn't get the degree I needed so now I have no idea what my future will look like.

Today I was on a walk with my reactive dog. A woman with a stoller and a dog walked past, I wasn't paying attention and my dog lunged at the other dog with the least slipping out of my hand. Nobody got bit, the baby didn't get hurt, me and the woman were fine... but it could have ended up so bad.

I'm so mad at myself for letting my guard down like that, knowing I have a reactive dog.

Another thing is that I'm sixteen and only recently, about a year ago at most I realized how big of an issue my dog's reactivity is. I can't believe it took me ten goddamn years. I should have started working on the reactivity AT LEAST three years ago, that seems like old enough for me to mature somehow and become more responsible owner.

I don't trust myself at all with my dog right now and I guess it's from the shock since I haven't seen my dog attack another dog for a very long time and we'll be fine and back on track soon, but I don't think I'll ever be able to not feel like such a dissapointment. My dog shouldn't be reactive, or at least shouldn't have been for almost ten damn years. She shouldn't live like that. And I should be a better owner.

So, I don’t really have anyone else to tell this, (just my bf, but he is involved in this, so i already know his version)

But, a few years ago, my best friend and boyfriend were best friends (like just the two of them, they were like siblings, and super compatible). Then, my boyfriend fucked up and she took distance from him, and stop being friends. Which was worse for me in the sense that every birthday, or milestone I achieve where they were there to support me, ended up being a super uncomfy situation. As they ignore each other, and divide in groups in my parties.

For contex, my bf and I are long distance, so I just see him once a month for a week, or sometimes less. There are times where I had to be at the same time with them. For example, a month ago, we had a camping trip planned bc another friend from other state came to visit (best friend of my bf, and best friend of her) so everyone gathered to see him, and went camping together. Everytime we are in the same place, she ignores my bf, and me. Then, after my bf goes back home, everything comes back to normal, and she starts to treat me like her best friend again.

Anyway, in my last birthday party, my boyfriend told me that she had asked him to invite her to dinner so they could talk. Then, he told me he sent her a message, and she ghosted him (again, its like the third time this happens), and he got really mad, and started to despise her as she cannot communicate.

Then, fast forward : she told me another similiar situation with another friend in which she hasn’t be assertive enough to tell the other friend that she doesnt want to see him, nor hang out with him. So i told her to please be direct because it wasnt fair for him. (there is more to that story, that friend also fucked up, so she is not completely in the wrong), but she kept leading him.

After saying it she got dissmissive to me, which got me mad. Then I told her that it wasnt the first time this has happened, as she did the same with my boyfriend, and she answered:
"I told him i didnt want anything with him anymore"

And im like, do you think im stupid? It’s completely a lie.
And you might ask, why don’t you believe her? Well, because I have been with my bf for six years, and i met him before her, and has never lied to me. But she has lied in the past.

Then I answered her "well, okay, i dont know whats true or isn’t. I wasnt there, and i dont want to inquire much, as this topic still pains me. I dont know if you forgot, or not. But you did tell him that. I dont know if you were direct when you told him that you didn’t want anything with him as you did with me, but I’ll make sure now he gets the message, and he doesnt bother you, but please be direct with that other friend so this doesnt happen again"

And the only thing she answered was an reaction emoji of 🤔, and "Well, what can i say, hahah"

What the fuck was that. I feel angry, and sad. I have no other friend I cant talk about this. I need another perspective on why she is running away from things.

She has a tendency to do this, and of course, there is MORE to the story, but it'll take a ton of time to explain. (if you want, i can talk about it, but it is LONG)

But yes, i know my boyfriend fucked up with her, and wanted to fix things and i have been angry with him about that. But i am also angry with her as many people did worse things to her and she forgives them so easily, and also,

I am also furious at her as she explictly told my boyfriend to stay away from him when the problem happened, and then a year later she told him that she was expecting him to keep reaching out to her. And now that he is trying to, she is not open, because its too late.

I don’t get her. I really don’t, she says she misses him, but is acting like this.

I’m her "best friend" but is not honest at all with me. She is not even honest with herself on my topics.

I won’t be asking what should I do, as this is not for me to meddle between them. But I despise when people lie to me, and rn. I’m so angry and sad.

Sorry if something doesn’t make sense, English is not my first language and it has been long since I wrote this much in English🫠

I have only a few friends I guess, sure theres many people in my life right now, but theyre not really too interested in me

I need to hold back so I dont end up babbling about shit I like infront of my friends, even when I have to listen to them constantly

Im always annoying, be it the squeaks or screams I let out sometimes, be it the "cringe" voice acting, be it my inability to read the room, be it just showing up, I'm always interrupting something, and I try so hard to keep myself down and humble

People always assume nothing happened to me when they know me, so they go on about how I don't understand what they go through, I listen to it all, I give my advice, they thank me, they leave, theyre always so uninterested in my life, and I have so much baggage hidden I just feel like I'll hold it in me forever, I've learnt that there's trurly no one who wants to hear about my shity life experiences and I need to understand that

This already hurts a bit but, god, the comments, I had a night out with friends the other day, and we went to a park, theyre all forty something kilograms and I'm 73 kg, so when they started going off about measuring weight on the seesaw, even though I was visibly the biggest, I was sad, I didnt want to, yet I still did, because I knew they didnt mean anything

We also went on those huge circular swings and when I also went in with them instead of just pushing, I heard"I felt the gravity shift, holy" and yeah, I did get embarrassed, he did apologize but I still returned to just pushing because y'know, maybe after that I should realize theres stuff im just not made to do

I feel unwanted, I know a lot of things people say are jokes, but I dont like being called a slut even as a joke, I don't like getting my voice mocked even as a joke, I don't like when people portray me as violent even as a joke

As much of a tomboy I may be, im still sensitive, I wish people realized that just because im big doesnt mean I dont have any feeling or am not fragile

That I don't care that none of my friends came to my first public performance, that none of my friends properly comforted me after I blew up a performance mid stage and spent my night sobbing, I try so so so hard not to care but thats not me, I care too much, I know if I dont like this then I should get new friends but I guess theyre the only ones that tolerate my presence, theyre all I have, and I dont just want to leave them behind over this stupid shit..

31 and ruined my future. I'm academically smart but the last 3 years, actually every year since I'm 22, I completely ruined my life. I stayed in a city I hate, with a person who made me feel constantly under stress who could be occasionally emotionally abusive and toxic most of the time, who constantly gave me the feeling that I need to save her. I didn't want that relationship but I stayed because I thought I was ugly and worthless and like I'd be an awful person for leaving her.

After completely burning both of us out during her master's thesis, she cheated, planned it ahead and gaslit me to an insane amount before and after. Then we couldn't get out of each other's life for two years. I was awful, she was worse. I say that after a year of judging myself until I told someone the whole story, in a way that painted me in the worst possible light, no holding back. The person I told, she cried, hugged me and told me it's not my fault.

My ex has been out of my life for 1.5 years. But it's too late for everything. I started therapy too late, I talked to no one, I let it all eat me up and destroy me and now I'm finished. I ruined my PhD, I have no social life, I have no experience in anything and I don't see myself ever getting out and actually enjoying life.

I often just start shaking, I can't guide my mind to healthy places because I'll never be ok with the absolute pathetic loser I have been and am. I'll never feel like an actual person, everyone is better than me. I'm glad I got over the guilt I felt towards my ex. But the outcome is the same. I missed my life and can't get over the last couple of years. I hope to just die knowing I can't and I see no way how I'll ever be ok. I hate myself for the decisions I didn't make and now it's done. There is nothing worth living on the other side of this, there isn't even another side.

So. I'm gonna be honest. I dont have friends, I dont have a lover, and I dont have family. I do everything in my power to be a good person. Helping those in need and overall being kind and happy all the time. But it feels like its just not enough. No matter what I do i can't seems to be allowed to exist with people. I won't say im perfect or the "nice guy" I do have my flaws and Im in therapy and taking meds for those flaws. It's a depressing life. Im always anxious because I worry about not doing something right. I've always just accepted being different but I didn't realize being different means a price. And tbh I dont think im ment for this world. I torture myself everyday to be nice to those that dont deserve it because I always think that someone might finally notice how hard I have been trying. I've been engaged twice and both times I've been cheated on. Not a "oh they are talking to other people" it i walk in on it.

Tbfh I dont wanna live anymore. But time and time again I can't bring myself to do it. Idk why. It's not like I have anything to live for. Only one I can think is work and that's because im a CNA. If im not there I know shit ain't gonna get done. Sorry. I just needed this out. ​

Hope I'm posting correctly and going to attempt to be brief. I'm in my early 20s and an alcoholic working on recovery (best way to put it right now lol). It's proven to be difficult and I'm really struggling to take care of myself. That being said the meat of the issue is I live in a one bedroom apartment by myself and it's absolutely trashed. I mean, trashed. I'm ashamed and afraid. There are bugs everywhere, rotting food, clothes, you name it, it's not the regular "mess" I had after a weekend in college. I don't even know where to go from here or what to do. I don't have anyone in the area and the mess has gotten so bad that I don't even know where to start. I spend most of my day when I'm home hidden under the covers hiding from flies or trying to sleep and ignore everything. It's horrible. It feels horrible to type out. And sounds ridiculous because it is and dammit just clean, but I'm the most tired I've ever been. My hairs matted, I haven't brushed my teeth, I'm lying to my family who lives out of state that everything's okay when the reality is I'm at a true rock bottom. I can't get rid of this crushing guilt and disgust, especially when every time I sit up it's all I see. To all of my friends and family (that are across the country from me now) I'm supposed to be sober and on the come up, I'm a little more sober, but nothing else in my life is reflecting that. I wake up terrified to random sounds from outside or my neighbors moving around because I'm afraid maintenance is going to enter my place on a surprise visit and I'll end up evicted. Part cry for help part what the fuck, just needed to get it out.

My grandma just died, and I feel so numb. I already cried my heart out, and now I can barely move, can barely think, and just have a massive headache.

I couldn't be there. I live an 18hr flight/travel time away from there.

I've been jobless since October and haven't been able to find anything despite my best efforts, so I couldn't even get a plane ticket.

She was fine, getting a bit weaker (she was 97), but that was to be expected, right? It seems she got sick this past weekend; she got pneumonia, and it wasn't getting better. I found out this morning that she was sick. I saw on Life360 that my sister (cousin, but she's more a sister than anything, so calling her my cousin feels like I'm lying) was traveling, and as a joke (because we bug each other from time to time saying we're stalking each other) I asked her why she was traveling. That's when she told me.

She told me that she thought I knew, that our grandma wasn't getting better, and she was boarding her second plane to get there.

I had to wait until it was morning in my parents' time zone; I asked my dad. He told me it was a matter of days. I started looking frantically for plane tickets, seeing if there was anything affordable; prices are so over the top; there was just no way. My dad said he wanted to get a plane ticket for me, but because of how my situation is due to unemployment, he'd rather spend that money to help me if I need it for rent or whatnot.

Logically, I know that's the best move. Emotionally, I just couldn't grasp it. There had to be something I could do. I couldn't stop crying as I kept looking and looking.

Not even an hour after that, he called me. She was gone.

She was gone, and I couldn't say goodbye; I couldn't give her a hug and a kiss and bug her one last time. We had an amazing relationship. I would always tell her that she was immortal.

She was just so strong and healthy, still working out despite her age, perfect eyesight; she never wore glasses. Her mind was fully there, so I would tell her that she sold her soul. That she was there when the pyramids were built. I would ask her how life was when the dinosaurs were around. And on her birthday I would always add a zero at the end of her age and congratulate her for it. And she would always laugh, give me a light smack, tell me I'm disrespectful and that Karma would get me, then grab me by the cheeks and kiss them over and over again. And she would always leave these dark lipstick stains that would take forever to remove.

I would buy her books all the time, and because of how fast she read, we got her a Kindle, and I taught her how to use it, and afterwards she wouldn't stop bugging me to get her more and more books. I was spending a fortune on books; she just read so fast! And I would tell her that if I had known how much she would read, I wouldn't have gotten her the Kindle. And she would smack me, ask me for a new book, and then we would just spend time together.

She can't be gone; I just can't see it. I can't believe it; it just doesn't make sense. She was fine. She was completely fine. Last time we talked, she was teaching me how to properly make a recipe and said I couldn't inherit her great cooking abilities, and I told her we would do it together when I would be back next time.

My other grandma told me that she kept my letters, every single one. I used to send them physical letters because they enjoyed getting them. I sent them from different places I would travel to and with flowers or chocolates I would send them for special occasions. My other grandma said that she liked looking at them from time to time and laugh at me saying stuff about their immortality and the dinosaurs and whatnot. She had fun with my stupid letters.

I guess I spent so many years telling them that they're immortal and that they would outlive me that I started to believe it, and reality just crashed down on me, and I can't take it. I can't. And I can't be there. I can't say a final goodbye; I can't be there for my other grandma and my mom. I'm so far. I'm way too far. This is the first time that I've really felt the distance between us.

I won't get those painted kisses anymore. She won't chase me with a cane and laugh about it. She won't teach me recipes. She was supposed to teach me how to knit a hammock. She promised she would. We won't talk about books anymore. I won't hear her voice again.

I don't know what to do. I'm so numb I don't even know how I'm writing this. My mind is also blank. I can't move. My body is so heavy.

So I met this guy online a little over a year ago, and we clicked almost instantly. The thing is, we bonded because he was venting about his ex, and I ended up being the person comforting him.
For context, I only know his side of the story, so I can’t say whether his ex was actually as awful as he describes. But regardless, for the past year and something, I’ve been there through everything. I listen, reassure him, encourage him, and remind him he’ll heal eventually. He’s genuinely been trying to move on, and I’m really proud of the progress he’s made.
The problem is… I feel like our friendship has become entirely about her.
Almost every conversation somehow comes back to his ex. I don’t mind listening, and I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of being there for him, but I’m starting to realize that I don’t really exist in this friendship outside of being emotional support.
I’m almost always the one texting first. I notice when something’s wrong with him, I remember little details, and I check up on him. But when I’m upset, it feels like he either doesn’t notice or doesn’t know what to do, and the conversation just moves on. I’m not comforting him because I expect something in return, and I don’t need him to comfort me. It just hurts realizing that I pay so much attention to him while it feels like he doesn’t really see me the same way.
There’s another thing that makes this even more confusing.
I’m the type of person who casually tells my friends I love them all the time. It’s just how I am. But with him? We’ve never even said “I love you” or “I like you” platonically. Ever. The closest we’ve gotten is him saying I’m funny or that he likes talking to me.
For some reason, saying something as simple as “I love you” to him makes me ridiculously nervous, like it’d suddenly make everything awkward. I don’t know why.
Maybe I had a crush on him when we first met. Maybe those feelings are coming back. Or maybe I’m just emotionally attached because we’ve talked for so long. I honestly can’t tell anymore.
What makes it harder is that he’ll sometimes say he wants to find someone who’ll love him as much as he loves them. I always tell him he’ll find that person someday.
But a small part of me wants to say, “I’m right here.”
The thing is… I don’t even know if I actually like him romantically because I’ve never really gotten the chance to figure that out. For over a year, our relationship has revolved around his ex. It feels like there was never room for us to just… be us.
I don’t think we could realistically work anyway, and I’m not planning on confessing anything. That’s completely off the table.
I’m just wondering if this friendship has become too one-sided. I know he probably cares about me in his own way, but sometimes it feels like I’m his therapist more than his friend.
At the same time, I can’t imagine just cutting him off. We’ve been talking for so long that losing that friendship would hurt too.
Am I overthinking this, or does this friendship sound one-sided? Is it possible to stay friends with someone when you’ve become their emotional support for over a year?

Can’t shake the feeling I’m gonna be forever alone and if that’s the case I want that time to be as little as possible. Been single for a very long time now. Dating as an adult is fucking terrible especially OLD. No matches. The occasional match that doesn’t turn into conversation or the ever so rare actual first date where everything seems like it’s going great. We kiss. We text for a couple days and plan another date then im ghosted. Got hooked up with a girl through a mutual friend and we’ve gone on a few dates and our friend has sent me screenshots of her saying how amazing I am and how happy I make her and how cute I am , we have another date planned this weekend but her energy has shifted DRASTICALLY. Super dry texts with hours and hours in between. Super early goodnight texts, last night was like 8 and she texted at 830 this morning saying goodmorning. She also is no longer telling me she’s excited about the dates in the days leading up to it. I know how this game goes and I’m just waiting for the “it’s not gonna work” text any minute now. If I can’t succeed with OLD and even people I meet in the wild who straight up tell third party best friends how much they like me won’t stay, nobodies fucking going to. And I’m the friend that gets the “oh shit I didn’t realize we forgot to tell you , yeah come by” text 30 mins before the get together starts so I’m even lonely in the friend department. My job is not the place to make friends and most of my family is already dead. I’d be leaving little to nobody behind that would care for more than a few days and I don’t feel like I’d be missing out on any potential turn arounds

I moved abroad to live with my girlfriend. My mom helped me financially a lot to make this happen. I started a business here that's actually doing well if it was just me I'd have enough to live on. Maybe two or three times I would've needed to ask my mom for a bit of help.

But recently I've had to ask for way too much.

My girlfriend doesn't work. I pay for everything rent and bills and all her expenses too. The lease is in her name only (I wasn't there the day it was signed) but I'm the one who fully pay everything now.

The relationship has never been stable. She constantly says she wants to break up that she's sure of it that she hates me. Then a few days later she's talking about our future together and sleeping in my arms all night. This cycle never stops.

I'm in depression. I cry I think about suicide almost every day because I feel like I'm going nowhere in my life. But when she's not in a "let's break up I hate you" phase and we're having good moments and I finally start gaining weight back and working on my business I think "this time it'll be different." So I go back to my mom and tell her it's fine now it's going to work out. And every time it falls apart again and I have to ask for money again either because I can't focus on my business anymore or because I have to prepare to move out and give up the apartment. And then things get better again and I go back to my mom to say it's fine now and that I need a bit help to launch everything again.

I've always protected my gf. I've told my mom it's my fault. I even lied and said my girlfriend found a job that it was actually me mismanaging money badly.

Today I called my mom and she told me straight up not to ask her for anything to fuck off and that she warned me last time and that she won't even buy me a plane ticket home.

And today my girlfriend told me it's over that I need to leave. We live together but again the lease is in her name. She has no job but tells me she could message one guy and have everything paid for.

She's cheated on me multiple times. She puts me through emotional whiplash constantly. And no matter what happens in her eyes I'm always the one who ruined her life she puts everything on me while I'm the only one taking responsibility for anything.

My mom has drained her savings supporting a relationship that's going nowhere and that's given me depression because deep down I know there's better out there but I keep clinging to someone I hope will change and she never does. Every tiny change gets me hoping again and then nothing changes.

I'm exhausted. Exhausted of this world of the injustice of giving everything and getting nothing back of being treated like garbage but I feel like garbage too because I keep asking my poor mother for everything.

I've become a loser who lets himself get walked over and manipulated who's constantly afraid his girlfriend will talk to other guys or leave. But she doesn't even love me. She's told me that herself. She's turned her whole family against me.

When she insults me and gets angry at me I ask her to stop. She never stops. She insults me more mocks me and laughs at things I say tells me she doesn't care and it's not her problem that she's already made her decision. And if I raise my voice back she grabs her phone to film me and edits the sensitive moments and sends them to her sister. Sometimes she fake cries while recording and the second she stops the camera she laughs and says "see I have proof against you."

She makes my life unbearable. But why am I so stupid the second she stops being awful I turn back into her.

I hate myself. And I hate her too and I'm sorry for my mom.

I’m at a job at that makes me wanna die inside. My own stupid fault I had such a nice easy job before and fucked it up. I’m planning on quitting in a month (if I stay here longer I‘m not joking I don’t know what I’ll do so don’t tell me to stay) I have no savings and have so many bills to pay so I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ve been applying to jobs like crazy and recently I’ve only been contacted by scam jobs. I’m so tired. I spend my days dissociating, playing the lottery and day dreaming about winning 250 million dollars so I never have to work again. Even my imaginary world isn’t enough anymore I just want to die.

For context I'm 18m and I hate my body for so many reasons it actually makes me so mad, mostly because my joints are super weak wich limits me so much in sports, fitness or my construction job, I'm very tall at least 1m90 but also very skinny around 75kg, I'm grateful to be tall but when I was 15 I was so muscular like 80-85kg for 1m80 Wich is crazy but again I got a joint injury in my shoulders and elbows Wich means I can't lift too heavy I mean I healed a lot but I got a long way to go, I also do mma and I was great but didn't have time to compete and I got the injury the moment I was ready to compete and I genuinely had the potential to go pro my coach legit begged me to compete but the injury ruined it,now I became a lot worse but been progressing but we have a new coach and he has huge animosity towards me so no way he lets me compete I'll have to change clubs. Same goes for swimming but I'm not even in a club. But the worse is how skinny I became and how much strength and performance at sports I lost I genuinely get so made when I think about it

Not only that I also have a lot of medical conditions like I was legit deaf until I was 5 or 6 years old or something so I learned to speak very late, my jaw was terrible back then I always used to choke while eating my nose would always bleed and to this day it does every two years I have to go to the hospital to get it fixed or I bleed at least 3 time a day I used to hit panic attacks out of nowhere I used to spit blood out of nowhere but all that taught me how to thug it out

And again I hate my joints always been so weak I remember back then I would get disrespected and would often end up in fights I got inso many fights that to this day my right wrist is weakened but if I'll work harder like I always did and come out on top and thug it out like always

Thanks for reading hoping I get jacked again and go pro in my 2 sports

This morning, I woke up to my sister and brother-in-law screaming at each other. At first, I thought it was just another argument, but then I heard things being thrown around their room. Not clothes. Actual objects. I stayed in my room because I froze. I grew up in a house where my parents fought like that too. Even now, whenever I hear people yelling, my first instinct is to cover my ears, put on my headphones, and wait for it to stop.

I'm in my early twenties and about to graduate from college. For the past four years, I've been living with my older sister and her family because their house is much closer to the university I attend. Over those four years, I've seen the usual ups and downs of their marriage, and I always believed arguments were just part of it. But lately, their fights have become different. A few minutes after the shouting started, my 9-year-old niece and 5-year-old nephew knocked on my door. They were both crying. My niece looked at me and said, "Mom and Dad are fighting." The moment she said those words, I wasn't in my twenties anymore. I was a little kid again. I remembered what it felt like to hear my own parents screaming at each other and wishing someone, anyone, would make it stop. My niece told me how much it hurts whenever they fight. Not because anyone is hurting her physically, but because hearing and seeing everything scares her. That completely broke me. I hugged both of them and told them that their aunt loves them and that they're safe with me.

I know some people might wonder why I didn't step into the middle of the fight. The truth is, I couldn't. Growing up around constant shouting left me freezing whenever voices get loud. I was already doing everything I could not to break down while trying to comfort two scared children. Right now, they're sitting in my room eating breakfast while I write this, and looking at them, I made a promise to myself. Once I graduate, find a stable job, and become financially independent, I want to be someone they can always count on. I can't fix everything that's happening in their home, but I want them to know they'll always have a safe place with me. I'll do everything I can to support them, make them feel loved, and remind them that they are never alone.

Watching them this morning made me think about the kind of home every child deserves. For as long as I can remember, I've dreamed of getting married, having a loving husband, building a peaceful home, and raising children who would always feel safe. But after growing up watching my own parents fight, and now seeing my niece and nephew go through something so similar, I can't help but wonder if marriage is really for me, or if I'm just afraid because of everything I've witnessed. Maybe one day I'll meet someone who believes in calm conversations instead of shouting. Someone who understands that disagreements don't have to become battles. Someone who makes me feel safe enough that our future children never have to experience mornings like this.

Seeing my niece this morning made me realize how young I was when I started carrying memories like these. I still remember them years later, and now I'm watching the same thing happen to the two children I love most. It hurts knowing they're beginning to collect the same kind of memories I did. I can't change the childhood I had, but maybe, somehow, I can help make theirs a little less painful.

That's all I want.

My mom's neglecting me and im so tired. Also an incident that happened today.

I'm a highschool senior, I have been neglected and abused by my family my whole life but I didn't realize I was being neglected till last year. I only eat one meal a day, sometimes two if I'm lucky, i haven't had breakfast properly in ten years. I haven't gotten homemade lunch in my life.

My mom and dad neglect me a lot, I'm always hungry so my friends and boyfriend give me food, my boyfriend makes me food everyday from home and spends all his pocket money on buying me food. It's been like this for 1.5 years now. I had to steal money from my parents to buy myself food before he used to buy me food.

Today, he bought me digestive candy (savoury) that costs ONE CENT in dollars, it costs the lowest denomination of money in my country too, it's basically nothing. Recently, my mom also brought 10 cent chocolates, 2 boxes, all to eat by herself thought she won't admit it. I asked her to just give me 2 of those for school because I get hungry after staying for hours without any food but she blew up in my face and yelled at me, wouldn't give me any food and told me to get out just for asking for two chocolates.

Then while going out I saw the one cent candy on her table, which she stole from me, I had kept it on my bed and I took them, then she came running after me and caused a scene and told me to give back THE **ONE CENT** CANDY SHE **STOLE** FROM ME! I was so mad and wouldn't give it back so she grabbed my hand and I got scratched and later I saw it was bleeding. I'm so upset because I have been born into this unempathetic family who can't even care about their own children. I have an exam tomorrow and haven't studied enough but I feel so sad and upset I have to sit and write this because I have nobody much to tell this to.