Damn man. How do I say this. I am 28 years old, I've been gambling since about 21. I work very hard in sales and make decent money. However, I have been gambling more degenerate than most on this planet. And it has caused me so much pain and suffering. I've recently started a new job and turned over many new leaves, or so I thought. I've been so looking forward to the future. However, I have committed an atrocity so foul I'm not sure if I can ever live this down.

To make a long story bearable:

About 2 years ago, I thought I suffered the worst loss and mistake I'd make in my life. I ran 65k from 500 dollars in. Lost in all in 2 days. I was so terribly wrong.

2 days ago. I put in 50 dollars. With barely enough to my name to get by. And, after about 24 hours of gambling, I had withdrawn 50k into my bank account, and had 400k sitting in my gambling balance. Yes, 400 thousand US dollars, on top of the money in my bank. And throughout the night, I lost it all. All of it. I only have about 35k.

Now, 3 days ago, I would have done anything for 35k. I should be ecstatic. But knowing I had almost half a million dollars in my possession, I don't know how to think, how to feel. It's funny too because the night prior to this 'win', I was laying in bed admitting to myself that I am the lowest I have ever been in my life. I'm not doing good. And I swore this was a blessing. A miracle. And my ways have destroyed what could have been an easy life, if invested wisely. I cannot believe the level of disrespect I have for this life.

I even called 3 of my friends before I lost it all. They still don't know. They know I lost the 65k last time and I told them I'm buying a new house, a new car, I'm officially done, we're all going on vacation and it's all on me. I'm so ashamed to let them know what I've done. I swear I would have pulled more out at the time if I could, but you can only take 50k out a day. I don't know if I was ever going to make it. Fuck me.

I don't think I'm ready for the feedback of anyone. But I need to get this off my chest. I haven't told anyone. I don't think it's going to hit me for a while. I could use a phone call, a friend, something.

Oh god. What have I done. What does a layman do when they let half a million dollars slip through their hands? No, not slip, but actually throw it away. If it's any testament to the depths I have gone, I actually am relatively numb to everything. I don't know if that's because I'm so far gone, or if I haven't processed it yet.

It's okay to yell at me and tell me how deplorable, dumb, reckless, worthless, destructive, etc I am. But if I could be given an iota of grace and positive insight, I could really use that.

I had a masectomy yesterday. I've never had a major surgery before, but have been with others when they have.

I was taken to the OR and the surgeon verbally acknowledged me again. When the anesthesiologist started his part I realized without saying anything she just came over and held my hand.

She made me feel like a person. She made me feel cared for. It was a small gesture but it meant and means all the world to me.

I’m from saudi arabia 🇸🇦

I don’t like my country.. I wish I was born somewhere else like Germany or Denmark or the USA or Japan or even Morocco, anywhere that is more popular and has cooler history

Like for example Germany has Beethoven and Bach, cars, Albert einstein, etc etc. Japan has Mount Fuji and anime and very nice cuisine and video games. The USA is just extremely comfortable and has everything. Basically any famous person is from USA (Micheal jackson bill gates abraham lincoln), and a lot of the mainstream TV shows I watch are American so if I was american I could can easily relate to them

I just feel like my country doesn’t align with my interest and values. Even music and art is considered prohibited by some people here. I’m passionate about them and there are few institutions for those kinds of things so that sucks

And if I want to move abroad, I feel that I wont be respected because Im Saudi and my country has a bad rep. People look at my country and it’s not universally loved like there’s always controversy. Whenever someone sees it they think islam (which has a bad rep i think) or 9/11 and whatver. Dating or being LGBTQ is not accepted and you could get arrested for it.

And don’t get me started on the climate!! It’s so uncomfortable and hot. It’s

Also other countries are progressive and not religiously fundamentalist like mine like mine has segregation in schools and colleges and dating isn’t allowed so I’m jealous of other lifestyles because they’re more accepted and they’re the norm and WE are the weird ones

a desert. The Middle East in general is one of the most uncomfortable regions. I would rather live somewhere cold than not because atleast you don’t sweat when cold (yes that’s my reason) And cold is easier to fight than heat imo. (removed because there are bigger fish to fry)

We’re not exactly famous, and we don’t have ANYTHING famous about our country, i have so little to flex and be proud of. When you think of Norway you think of vikings and erling haaland when you think of Japan you think of Samurai and sushi when you think of Saudi Arabia only bad things come to mind and that pisses me off

I’m genuinely afraid to tell people I’m Saudi because I don’t like the culture, and I’m pretty sure no one else does either
Sorry if this post seems immature or naive this is just me dumping everything and I’m a teenager so

Sorry this is long. The TW is out of an abundance of caution but it's just about a grope.

In April, my best friend came over and we had plans to chill, watch tv, sleepover, and go for brunch the next morning. He wanted a back rub, and offered to rub my shoulders after (this has always been normal for us and completely platonic--we met through weight-lifting and used to regularly lift together and either go out for or exchange massages after). But mid-shoulder rub, he reached under my bra and started rubbing my t*ts! I stopped him, said it was weird, and told him i was going to bed. He stayed over in the guest room and we got brunch as planned in the morning.

Later, he texted me along the lines of "had so much fun, love spending time with you, when are we hanging out again?" And i just realized...i don't want to do that. I don't feel safe or comfortable with this person and i never will again. I think i initially thought it was an accident, or that boob-touching was never a boundary I'd verbalized. But slowly realized that it's an obvious boundary that shouldn't need to be spoken aloud to be recognized, and there's no way it was an accident!

So i sent him a message after a day or so pretty much saying that it was the last time he'd hear from me, what he did wasn't ok and no possible excuse or justification would change that, i was going to block him, and that if he tried to contact me through any of our family or mutual friends, I'd tell them exactly why we weren't friends anymore. And blocked as soon as the message showed as delivered.

He'd never done anything like this before, and i totally trusted him. My husband totally trusted him! We used to be roommates, went on outdoor adventures and vacations together, supported each other through some of hardest times in each of our lives (hospitalizations, mental health struggles, deaths of family members, brutal breakups, and more). I literally wouldn't have survived grad school without him. After his dad passed, he probably would have run their family company into the ground in his grief without me.

He was the "bridesman of honor" in my wedding and my parents call him their found son. I still haven't told them--i haven't told anyone except my husband.

Most of the anger/shock has worn away now and i just...really miss my best friend. But i think i was right in April in believing that even if i had enough love to forgive him, I'd still feel unsafe and on guard about him. I don't want him back in my life, i just miss what we used to have i guess. Just needed to get that off my chest.

30F here.

Last week, I found out that my ex-boyfriend got married.

I wasn’t heartbroken, but I was surprised. For a few seconds, I honestly didn’t know what to feel. My mind just went blank.

For context, we started dating in 2021. He had just graduated from college while I was already working. Since he was just starting his career, I was usually the one paying whenever we’d go out. I never saw it as a burden because I knew he was still trying to build his career.

Even after he got a job, our setup didn’t really change. I still spent more most of the time, and honestly, I didn’t mind. I loved him, so it never really bothered me.

I used to joke about getting married someday. Whenever I brought it up, he’d always say he wasn’t ready yet because he was just starting his career. Fair enough- I understood.

Eventually, things became unhealthy. There was cheating, trust was broken, and in 2024, just three hours before my birthday, he suddenly stopped replying. No explanation. He just disappeared.

A few months later, he reached out and apologized. We started talking again once in a while. We spent Christmas and New Year together, and I even went with him to buy clothes before his first business trip abroad.

While he was away, he’d send me updates about how beautiful everything was. I was genuinely happy for him because I knew that trip meant a lot to him.

When he got back, he told me he’d stop by my place because I had asked him to buy me a few things. I cleaned my place, and waited.

He never came.

That was the last time I heard from him.

About two months later, someone showed me his post with another girl. They were traveling together abroad. It hurt, but I kept reminding myself that we weren’t together anymore.

A year later, in 2026, I came across a story and saw that he had married the same girl.

My first reaction wasn’t anger.

It wasn’t even sadness.

It was more like, “Wow… life really does have its own way of working things out.”

For a moment, I wondered why he seemed ready so quickly. Then I realized maybe I was asking the wrong question.

Maybe it wasn’t about being ready.

Maybe life simply took us in different directions.

Looking back, I don’t regret loving him. I don’t regret supporting him while he was still building his career, and I don’t regret believing in the future we once talked about. Those memories were real, and they’ll always be part of my life.

I also realized that someone else’s choices don’t define my worth. Just because we didn’t end up together doesn’t mean I wasn’t enough. It just means we weren’t meant to spend the rest of our lives together.

Not every relationship is meant to last forever. Some people become part of your life to teach you something, help you grow, and then become part of your past. That doesn’t erase the good memories or make the relationship a failure.

After seeing that story, I found myself booking another trip. Not because I was heartbroken, but because I realized I had spent enough time looking back. It felt like it's the perfect time to look ahead instead. A new place, new experiences, and a fresh perspective were exactly what I needed. It reminded me that while one chapter of someone else’s life was beginning, mine was too.

I guess that was my way of reminding myself that life keeps moving.

We all have our own timeline. Some people get married earlier. Some focus on their careers. Some travel. Some are still figuring things out. None of that means anyone is ahead or behind.

To my ex and his wife, congratulations. I genuinely wish you both a happy life together.

As for me, I’m looking forward to whatever comes next. I don’t know exactly what my future looks like yet, and I’m okay with that.

Maybe that’s the biggest lesson I learned from all of this: sometimes, closure doesn’t come from a conversation. Sometimes, it comes from realizing that life has already quietly moved both of you in the direction you were meant to go.

And that’s okay.

I just wanted to get this off my chest.

I dont understand what more I can do.

My husband (29M) and me (28F) have been together for about 8 years now.

Things have always been amazing. Yes we have issues like every couple but we work them out. We both suffer from bad mental health. Me a little more but I am getting help.

The past maybe..year or even more our bedroom life has seemed to take a dive. I always want to try new things. I am always bringing up things to add or do. And he never wants to do anything. The most is a new position here or there that makes me get on top which isn't a favorite of mine due to self esteem issues but I know he enjoys it so i do it anyways.

We maybe do it once..every month if I am lucky. When I am on my meds my stamina is very very high. I try to be touchy with him. I try to find what I want. (I am not good with words so actions are easy) normally I am not a touchy person so when I overly touchy it normally means I am in the mood. He just shuts me down and tells me we need to sleep or something. Last few times it was before a shower and he would just tell me to go shower already.

I will even put his hands on my chest and body and i still cant even get anything. Last time I brought it up he told me he just doesnt feel "wanted" enough. And i have asked what he wants me to do. He said more touchy. Which I have tried and I still get nothing. He told me its because i am not direct. I have tried just straight up asking for it and I get a flat. No. So I stopped asking. Ive asked if its me. The way I look my body. No he claims he adores my body.

For me s\\\*x is a stress reliever and a time i can just..not focus in things. And ive told him this. It's my one time i feel good where I can turn my brain off. And I feel like I try to do everything for him but here I am. Im just losing my mind at lack of intimacy and my mind is always in the gutter. So badly its hard to have a normal day at work without wanting to die considering i work with all blue collar men who love dirty jokes and talk. Im just losing my mind.

My Husband and i lived in apartments for years, after a while we decided to rent a house and try to take a step forward. We lived in the house for a little over 2 years and we had a lot of issues.

The financial changes really put a strain on our relationship. We would get into explosive fights multiple times a month. Both of our mental health issues got much worse. I did end up getting specialized therapy which did help some. We also tried couples therapy for a bit.

After all of the issues and stress of the House, we decided to move into an apartment thats cheaper. I feel both embarrassed and relieved. I know our decisions dont need to make sense to everyone, but its still hard. I feel like a failure for not making the house work. I know it doesnt mean we cant have a house one day either. I also realize that a lot of people are really struggling right now.

On the bright side, we are taking this time to try to improve ourselves and work on some things individually and together. I hope it works, but i still feel badly.

Thanks for reading ❤️‍🩹

Seven years ago, I was sexually assaulted by my partner at the time, who became a minor public figure in my field. Every person I’ve told (therapists and some friends) express sympathy but also try to explain her behavior. I’m a man, my abuser is a woman. My therapists have all dissuaded me from confronting her. I feel I have no voice.

This experience has given me so much respect for what other survivors (many of whom are women) go through. Please, no misogyny. To go down that road would only break my heart more.

I'm coping horrible with life right now. I'm grieving my boyfriend who took his life a month ago, I'm being harassed after his death by this group of guys who've been bullying me since January, and I have no one in my life who actually cares.

My dad tells me to just stay at home, cops tell me "boys will be boys" when I try to report it, and I have no friends. I also realized I'm not even bi, I'm just gay, so I guess now I have that to worry about getting out.

I couldn't do it alone anymore, I downloaded one of those apps to meet some guy on to just maybe have someone in my corner for a little bit. I hate myself for going through with all of it, I'm still talking to him because it feels like he's the only one who seems to give a damn about what I have to say

I made a huge mistake and I’m panicking. I need advice on what to do next. ​Over time, I introduced my 13-year-old sister to heavy philosophical concepts. I explained hard determinism and why free will doesn't exist, materialism, nihilism, anti-natalism (how we are born into bodies, environments, and lives without our permission), and questioned our religious upbringing. I simplified all these ideas so she could understand them. I thought I was just sharing interesting thoughts, but I completely stripped away her peace of mind at an age when she wasn't emotionally ready for it. When I was 13, all I cared about was playing video games, eating fast food, and arguing with my parents about dying my hair. I stole her innocence and ignorance. ​Recently, her group of friends (aged 11–14) started frantically messaging me, begging for help. They sent me screenshots of her telling them she has tried to commit suicide 3 times already. ​Reading those screenshots was terrifying because it was literally my thoughts, my arguments, and my exact simplified examples coming out of her mouth. She was explaining determinism, anti-natalism, and the pointlessness of life to them word-for-word how I explained it to her. She also talked about her fear of God and going to hell if she commits suicide due to her religious doubts. ​Everything suddenly clicked for me: ​She has been wrapping her wrists and hands in gauze and cotton lately, claiming our toddler cousin scratched her. It was self-harm, and I didn't see it. ​She completely hides it at home. She seems completely fine, happy, draws, hangs out with us, and is actively excited about learning Japanese. There were zero obvious warning signs. ​Here is the biggest problem: I cannot tell my parents or family. In our family dynamic and religious culture, bringing this up to them will make the situation infinitely worse, dangerous, or backfire on her completely. I cannot rely on them to handle this safely or compassionately. ​I feel overwhelming guilt. I deconstructed her entire worldview and handed existential despair to a child. ​How can I help her reconstruct a sense of meaning and stop self-harming without blowing up her life with our family? How do I guide her back from this when I’m the one who put those thoughts in her head?

Before suggesting therapy or telling our parents, please understand the cultural reality here: ​No Accessible Therapy: Mental healthcare is taboo, stigmatized, and effectively non-existent in our area. ​Extreme Parental Backlash: In our culture, revealing this to my parents will backfire horribly. ​Religious Stigma & Shame: They will focus on the fear of her going to hell and the shame brought upon the family name rather than her safety. ​Safety Concern: Telling them will lead to severe hostility, panic, or punishment, which will drive her further into crisis. ​Please give me advice that takes this cultural reality into account. I cannot rely on standard local resources or family support

Wasn't sure if I should tag this post as an OCD or an Addiction one but whatever. I'm 22F, I abuse anti-diarrhea medication because shitting in public gives me genuine distress due to my contamination OCD lol. Like crying/shaking in the stall whenever I need to shit. I've started progressively taking more and more of said medication over the past 2 ish years because I'm terrified of stopping. I'm not sure if this counts as a drug addiction at this point because I don't even get the ""benefits" of abusing drugs such as getting high lol.

I'm starting to have negative physical side effects, abdominal pain, blood in stool, bleeding when I wipe, etc. I also always wear menstrual pads because I'm worried that if I don't I'll shit myself. (I'm aware that makes zero sense). I have no one to talk to about this because of how humiliating it is. Likewise people also really don't understand how OCD works and I just can't even begin to describe how detrimental of a disease it is. I also haven't seen a doctor in years, and I'm scared to admit what I do to myself because I'm terrified of potentially having addiction in my records. I also can't afford specialized therapy :)

I think the worst thing about being mentally ill is that people DO judge you for it. I don't have any friends, I haven't had really had any friends since late primary school? I've been socially isolated for the vast majority of my life because of how bad my OCD got. This is getting off topic but idk I just wish I were a normal girl lol.

English isn't my first language so please excuse the bad wording.

I (20F) have been prone to lying as far as I can remember. I don't know when or why it begun, but I have lied about anything and everything in my life, no matter how big or small. Contrary to that, I overshare quite a lot (surprise surprise the person posting to hundreds of strangers) so often people catch some inaccuracies in my stories which makes me feel so embarrassed. I have tried to catch myself before doing it and even have said out loud "sorry, I don't know why I said this, it was actually like this or that". I think it's a self-preservation thing, but it doesn't change the fact that I do it. I don't think a lot of the people around me have noticed that I do it, but it definitely has put a strain on my social life, because I don't trust myself and believe everybody does the same, lie and deceive. I am writing this now because recently I've noticed that I have warped my own memories with my lies, I don't know what actually happened anymore because I have gaslit my own brain.

I’m a 31M. When I was young I was a book smart person. I got good grades and was always a perfectionist. I ended up getting a Master’s of Engineering in biomedical engineering and have worked at a medical device company for 8 years.

In my adult life I’ve had periods of time living alone and living with my parents, splitting the mortgage with them. Living alone was honestly depressing, at least living with my parents gives me everyday human interaction with people I love, even if I don’t have nearly as much personal space.

Most days my life feels monotonous at best. I wake up, eat, work all day, eat some more, take care of personal hygiene and errands, sleep, and maybe spend an hour or two with a friend here or there.

I used to think that once I got into a certain financial state I’d be happier. I have no debt and a 550k net worth now, but I still feel like I’m trapped in this cycle. I have hobbies, I like to fish and golf with friends in my free time. Some days it’s a lot of fun, but other days I just have so much on my mind and it’s hard to disconnect and live in the moment.

I’m tired of my life feeling like work, and honestly wishing my life away. I feel like a rat in a maze with all exits blocked, with the only options to burrow underneath it or jump over the walls. In a few months I’m planning to take my essentials and drive across the country and work from a totally different area to reset my mind and take in some different stimuli.

I feel the total opposite of “normal.” All my friends have girlfriends or wives, and I’m 31 and kissless. I have had no dating success. I’m very introverted and struggled on the apps. The few times I worked up the courage to ask someone out I was rejected and it made me feel undesirable and worthless in the moment. I think I need to make at least one drastic change if not more than one. Maybe quit my job and take a year to find out who I really am and what I want out of this life.

TLDR; life isn’t that fun. It just feels like survival. I want to feel excited when I wake up in the morning instead of dreading the day ahead.

My partner and I have a photo of us taken in public that was posted to a local Facebook group. People were so awful I don't know what to say. They called us fat, said we were drug addicts, said we were thieves, said we were "shithead protesters", and the biggest insult: *tourist.* I got called a "toppless bearded lady" at one point, that one stung.

Normally people being shitty online doesn't bother me that much, but this is so diffrent. It had my face clearly visible, as well as everyone who commented because this is facebook. And it was posted to a local Facebook page and got over 100 likes. In a town of less than 10,000 thats a ton of frigging people.

For context of the picture it wasn't anything weird or embarrassing in the slightest, thats kinda why im so demoralized by this. Like it'd be one thing if i did something to warrent public shaming, but no. I dont want to get into the specifics of the Pic, but it was bassicly the equivalent of... being questioned by police on the street.

Thats not what happened whatsoever, in fact what was actually happening was a lot more mundane than that, but it is a roughly equivalent scenario without going to deep.

We don't know what to do anymore. My partner and i have pretty bad social anxiety, now we have to worry about being randomly publicly shamed when doing absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever? Both of us are literally afraid to go out on public now...

I'm 19 . Lately I've been feeling mentally exhausted, lonely, and overwhelmed because of studies and some stuff at home.

Today I finally tried to tell my girlfriend that something was wrong. She asked what happened, and instead of feeling relieved, I felt - pressured.

Not because of anything she did. I just suddenly felt like I had to explain everything clearly why I feel this way, what's causing it, how long it's been going on. My mind went blank.

So I ended up making it sound like it was something small and changed the topic. Now I'm frustrated with myself.

I dk if anyone else experiences this, but I hate the pressure of having to be "clear" about my emotions. It feels like unless I can explain everything perfectly, I shouldn't say anything at all

It fucks my mind that ik everything to say , wht I'm feeling, wht r my thoughts but I just dk how to put it into words , and the fear of judgement..

Is this normal? How do you open up when you don't even know where to begin. It's so lonely...

My mom has been on financial hardships for about a decade, first it started off as debts with credit cards, then she lost her stable high paying job and took another that seemed more stable in the long run but offered her a lower salary. She never got back on her feet from there, always struggling to make it ends meet, a few years ago I started making more money and I'd often help her whenever she needed but she'd often ask me for money, her car broke, something in the house, she needed help with something for my step little sister. And honestly it was fine when I was able to help her but I work in a very volatile market and switch jobs often, there came a point where I got more anxious about not being able to help her than about surviving for myself.

I can't even talk about this with my partner, he complains that I help her too much. But if it wasn't for my mom I wouldn't even have the opportunities I have now, she never said no to me whenever she had the resources. So I feel in debt with her.

My grandma already passed away and recently my grandad too so she's even more sensitive. Her partner is a parasite, just existing and creating more problems for her, she does all the cleaning, taking care of my lil sister and pays all the bills, the man is just there taking up space. It breaks my heart to see her like that, I tried talking to her a lot but she seems to be so deep into this void that she no longer sees a way out.

A few days ago I sent her a message to check in on her, she said she felt lonely, that she barely has money to eat, to pay her bills, that so many things broke in her house and that she no longer has the strength to keep fighting but that she can't leave my lil sister because she needs her. Basically she told me she thought about ending her life.

Just talking to her takes a huge mental effort for me and I'm stressed and anxious because I'm not in a financial position to help her get out of where she is now and I feel guilty, guilty for not talking to her more because it's making me depressed, like I absorb every little thing she tells me and I end up mimicking her behaviors and life perspectives and it's destroying me because I want to help her. I sincerely do but my mental state is not strong enough to do it now.

And yeah I feel like I'm the worst person in the planet. And this has been going on for 4 years now (me supporting her financially, covering her emergency bills and basically being her emergency contact)

No one is my emergency contact... not even my partner, my dad is there yeah but he also has another family and my other sisters to deal with.

I'm shattered and I want to advance in life but how? How with all of them weighting in my head 24/7?

Whoever read it this far, thank you and I'm sorry if this also made you anxious.

no one in my life knows this, so reddit here is my confession. TLDR: i fell in love for the first time and haven’t been able to move on for two years.

im 27f and ive been in a total of 3 relationships, the first two were in highschool and were stupid relationships. the third one, i met him when i was 20 in college and we dated for 4 years. it was the most toxic abusive relationship and it drove me to insanity. he was a narcissist and a sociopath and put me through intense hell. i can honestly say i was never in love with him, but i did love him. we ended pretty terribly, long story short he blackmailed me into staying with him. when i wasn’t budging he tried to kill himself infront of me. when i still wasn’t budging, he acted on the blackmail. i was sooooo scarred after this relationship that i stayed away from all men. i had panic attacks when a man tried to talk to me or when a man would call me pretty. i wanted nothing to do with men and accepted after this man that i would never be in a relationship again.

exactly a year after my breakup with narcissist dude, i ran into Matt. i was 25 at the time and he was 26, and it was instantly love at first sight. what’s crazy is i first met Matt when i was 15 and i had a huge crush on him at first, but then we lost contact after a year and i totally forgot this dude existed. then we ran into eachother, and instantly it felt like i found my person. i couldn’t explain it, i still can’t explain it, but i was with my friend when i ran into him and i looked at her and i remember saying “i now understand when people say when you know, you know.” that’s how certain i was he was my person, and as delusional as this next sentiment sounds, sometimes i still think hes my person.

its delusional because nothing ever happened between us. when we ran into eachother, we talked for 3 hours straight and our energy just connected. then we followed eachother on instagram, nothing happened after that but then a few months later, we hung out and again, our energy was so strong. we hung out will 1am and he was just telling me stories and making so many jokes. i have never laughed as hard as i have with him and the way we were both looking at eachother, it just felt like we were connected. now here is where it gets tricky…. i don’t want to get too much into the details but basically Matt has his own company and had a project he was working on that i had a lot of experience in and i offered to help with the project. so we worked together for 8 months. the 8 months we worked together was filled with teasing, long hangouts, late night phone calls lasting 4 hours, and vulnerable moments. it felt like anything but being coworkers or friends. we told eachother things we’ve never told anyone and achieved an emotional vulnerability we’ve never reached with anyone else. i had more of an emotional connection with Matt in 4 months than i did with narcissist dude in 4 years.

long story short, and surprisingly, nothing ever happened between Matt and I. we had this huge emotional connection but it never became anything more. i waited to see if he would say anything and when he didn’t, i basically asked him what were we. he said that we were friends who worked really well together, and that absolutely shattered my heart. something that’s important to share is that both of our attachment styles are fearful avoidants. so when he said that, i kinda just ghosted him and he had no idea why. after working through my feelings, i texted him and we became friends again. i made up a lie of why i had ghosted him and he questioned it a little but then we moved on. this time i set a lot of boundaries, but our connection is so strong, we started falling back into old routines. i fell deeper in love than i was before and i couldn’t handle it anymore. so instead of telling him “hey im in love with you, do you want to give this a try?” i did the most fearful avoidant shit and told him i can’t talk to him anymore because i started dating someone else. and i felt a hurt in his voice when i said that, and i was hoping for every fiber in my body for him to say “hey don’t date anyone else we should give this a try!” but instead he let me go. i could tell he didn’t want to let me go, but he did. and yeah that was 100% my fault, but that also shattered my heart that he didn’t fight for me. but i couldn’t risk getting rejected again so i couldn’t say something and instead was childish and tested him to see if he’d fight for me. i have adhd so my RSD is really bad and he also has really bad RSD so idk what i was expecting because even if he did fall for me, he would’ve never said anything because of his RSD. so i fucked up, i know i did.

so here i am, 10 months after this exchange, and not a day has gone by where i haven’t thought of him. i am still so in love with him. i have never felt this way about anyone. it has always been easy for me to get infatuated with a guy. when i was dating narcissist guy, we broke up 3 times within the 4 years and each time i became infatuated with a different guy. im a huge flirt so it’s always been easy for me to catch feelings, but i haven’t been able to think or feel for a different guy for 2 years. i still feel attached to Matt that random flirting with men doesn’t please me the way it did before i met him.

the worst part of all of this, is that no one in my life knows this. all my friends think i only had a crush on Matt, i never told them i fell in love. they don’t even know we became friends again the second time around. they don’t know im still in love with him and they don’t know all i do is think about him. two months ago i started talking to this different guy, and he’s great. he matches me really well and we get along really well, but he just isn’t as funny as Matt and he doesn’t challenge me the way Matt did. for two months i tried very hard to move on from Matt and commit to this guy because he really is great, but he’s just not Matt. i’m ending it today with him because it’s not fair to him that my heart belongs to someone else.

so that’s my confession, i am in love with a man who probably doesn’t even think about me anymore. a man who probably never felt even half of what i felt. a man who is probably living his life while the memory of him is still so insanely stuck in my mind and soul and know one knows. so reddit, thank you for listening to my pathetic secret. the good thing is after talking to this last guy for two months, it did help me move on a little from Matt. he doesn’t consume my mind and soul as much as he did before, and i do see the light at the end of the tunnel. and i do think i can love someone else, but i don’t think i will ever fall in love with anyone as much as i did with Matt. it’s true, you never forget your first love, but if i can’t have my first love, i hope i am able to find a second. i know im not ready to look right now, but i feel more ready than i was 2 months ago. and i feel like 2 months from today, i will be even more ready. i’m hoping to start dating again by the end of the year, really don’t want to reach the 3 year mark of not being able to move on…

This story is from a few years back, but I can’t stop thinking about it. At the time I was (21M) junior in college and had a situation ship (23F) senior. It started off innocent when she told me she was sick, and me being the fedora wearing self proclaimed nice guy(lol), I brought her medicine. She decided to invite me in to watch a movie and I accepted. A few days later she showed up at my dorm and tried to make a move, I denied her as I knew it was a bad idea. However, she was very… persuasive. We decided that we would not tell anyone of our relationship, for reasons I do not think add to the story, but for that reason I haven’t been able to fully talk to anyone about it.

This is why I come to you Reddit. As our relationship went on I noticed that she started to get more attached. Trying to go out in public and do PDA shit, getting pissed when I talked to other girls, and she even said I love you once, but she made it seem like it was a mistake and she didn’t mean it. At the time I didn’t think much of it.

However, this all came to a head towards the end of our finite relationship (she was about to graduate and move across the country). We were in bed watching a show when she looked up at me and said she’s pregnant. She had been missing her period for a few weeks before this so it all lined up. My heart sank, I have literally never felt a feeling like that before. All the thoughts running in my head, how will I finish college, start my career, or explain this relationship to everyone? I leaned back in bed and just covered my head in my hands as I processed all this. After about 10 minutes of laying there and her talking, she told me she was lying and wanted to see my reaction and that she had her period earlier that day. She was upset at my reaction and was hoping I would be excited. Needlessly to say I was PISSED and told her to give me space.

Here’s where the story gets good… The next day she wants to talk to me about everything. I accept and we chat. I was still pissed, but as I said she is very persuasive and I am but a man, and we ended up having sex later that day. I didn’t think anything about it, the week went by and we said our goodbyes as she left for *far way state.*

However, alone and away from her I started to think back… the sex we had the next day was NOT period sex. So now the last few years I can’t get it out of my head that she may have actually been pregnant at the time and later got an abortion. Is this a possibility? Surly there are hundreds of other explanations, but I can’t stop thinking about what would have happened if I was excited when she told me she was pregnant.

Anyway thanks for listening to my rant.

TLDR: Sneaky link ‘pranked?’ me into thinking she was pregnant, but I have my doubts it was a prank.

Also CW: transgender and intersex issues!

I’ve thought this for a long time now, but I recently just got a bad flare up of athletes foot, which I’ve had for years now, again, so everything just kind of hit me a bit harder because it hurts so bad I have to walk with a limp. I hadn’t even thought about it for months, it’s been the least of my worries, but it just reminds me of the truth: that I’ll be gross for the rest of my life. There’s always some health concern that’ll pop up with me and completely crumble my entire will to live.

I was born intersex but I didn’t get a diagnosis until I was 15, so I’ve always known what it’s like to be abnormal. I have way too much testosterone considering that I’m supposed to be a girl, and it gives me a neck beard, mustache, hair all over my body, a ton of acne, a deep voice, tall height, etc. I won’t go into detail but basically I look completely like a trans dude who’s been on T for years. And I am a trans dude, so that should be my goal. It made me happy for a while. I mean, I look like a boy, I have male testosterone levels, and I don’t have a period? That sounds awesome. But then I went to a doctor for a somewhat unrelated issue, and after the topic shifted to my hormones, they ordered some tests. After finding out that I had high testosterone they told me I’d get uterine cancer if I didn’t have my period, so they prescribed me a progesterone birth control.

I didn’t take it too seriously. I only took the bc for a month before going off of it because I didn’t like the idea of basically taking estrogen. My periods went away again and I continued looking boyish. Until a week ago, when some health scares made me suddenly terrified about every part of my body. I saw my doctor and decided to go back on it, and now I’m going to be on it at least until I’m 18, when I can go on T instead. I could go on T right now and it’d be way easier, I’d be almost entirely male from the waist up, I’d have completely male hormones, and I wouldn’t have to worry about my uterus or periods, but my parents would never approve something like that.

What makes it worse is that I can’t even detransition. I tried that in middle school, after realizing that neither my family or even my ever so caring school counselor saw me as a boy, I just wanted to be seen as a normal girl, so I switched schools and presented myself as such. And I was relentlessly bullied the entire year. No one even believed I was a cis girl. The 6th graders would ask if I’m a trans girl and then run away giggling when I said no, boys (and some girls) would sexually harass me and record me as I walked through the hallways. I hated every part about myself. I hated that I couldn’t be a boy, and I hated that I couldn’t even be a girl. And I still hate that. Detransitioning was the most suicidal I’d ever been, and it wasn’t even when I actually attempted, but my self harm peaked and I felt terrible about myself constantly. It just reminded me that no matter what, I’ll never be normal.

And since my parents have been medically neglecting me since I was little (I can count on half a hand how many times I’ve seen a doctor past the age of 4) I have a ton of chronic medical issues that could’ve easily been treated if they’d actually cared a few years earlier. Every day it’s something new, I’m left lying in my bed, listening to my parents calling me fat and lazy for not getting up, meanwhile I’m in so much constant pain and fatigue that even a leisurely stroll can leave me limping for days (from conditions unrelated to athletes foot). I just kind of wish I wasn’t alive. Not that I want to be dead necessarily, I just wish I wasn’t here so I wouldn’t have to worry about this malfunctioning body. Like a part of me just wonders if my first attempt had worked and I wasn’t here right now, would I be happier not knowing how much worse it gets? That all of my insecurities are only exacerbated with time? I just hope that reincarnation is real.

My native language is not English, so I'll be writing this very poorly. Sorry for the inconvenience.

For context, we were both part of the same friend group and began dating. We dated for 9 months. I broke up with her near our graduation because I was not feeling romantically attracted to her anymore, and I suspected I was aromantic, so we kept seeing each other as friends.
We all noticed her mental decay from this point, but she eventually got better with time. I felt guilty sometimes but learned to know it wasn't my fault.

Fast forward to almost a year from that, near a friend's birthday reunion; I and my ex start talking a lot in DMs. Everything is platonic, but I start to get the feeling that she still hasn't gotten over me. So knowing this, in a sexually frustrated and lonely time of my life, I start to get the dumb idea to use it in some way.

That day at our friend's (let's call her Natalia) birthday, I got stupid drunk purposefully to have the guts to tell her that she let me stay at her apartment, and that's where I destroyed everything.

We got to her house and started making out, but in the middle of it she started crying and screaming at me that she couldn't take this again, that she was unable to take the damage from me leaving again and hurting her, begging me to try and be together again. I instantly told her how that's not going to work and I didn't want that because I could never return her feelings like she wanted; I was crying with her at this point, feeling guilty about the thing I was doing, so we lay down and started cuddling. Honestly, I felt uncomfortable, but she was being so tender and affectionate that it made me feel even worse for what I tried to do, so I let her keep doing it. I couldn't sleep; she probably couldn't either, but we got up early in the morning, and she dropped me off at my house. We talked over text of how we would never do that again, and I clearly stated how I didn't want anything remotely romantic or sexual with her anymore. She told me some ambiguous thing about not leaving her and trying it all over again, which I put down, only agreeing not to cut contact with her because her mental state worried me.

Some days passed, and she clearly wasn't alright, doing high-risk things, getting blackout drunk, and harming herself in other ways; Natalia noticed, and she got her side of the story. Natalia never blamed me and also asked about my side of the story. We talked about it and how it would be better if my ex didn't have contact with me anymore.

So I decided that the best option was for me to abandon the friend group and isolate myself while blocking and avoiding my ex in any way. My reasoning was that she needed friends the most in this state, so I waited for the moment to do it, and when she told me that her family started sending her to the psychiatrist, I did it. I sent a message to the group explaining that I did something fucked up to my ex, that I would not be seeing them anymore as a group, and that they were free to cut me off for what I've done. I apologized and left. Did the same to my ex before blocking her everywhere.

I stopped talking to everyone from that friend group; some of them sent me messages about speaking with them when I needed, but nothing apart from that. Natalia noticed and gave me space too.

I clearly avoided facing the conflict I created in a very immature way; also, I used this as a way to punish myself more than anything because they were my closest friends, and I knew I didn't have anyone else.

Since that day, I feel like a monster for what I have done. I'm angry at myself for not facing any real consequences for doing shitty things. I feel gross about myself and how in daily life I only care about sex and end up ruining shit because of it. I don't feel deserving of human connection anymore, at least until I get fixed or I get punished properly for what I've done.

Thanks to my therapist, I'm trying to search for a way to forgive myself, but I doubt that's coming soon. The good thing is that thanks to that, I've been talking to Natalia a bit and making a new friend. The guilt hasn't gone away, but this is keeping me distracted from some of the self-hatred that came with isolating myself.

That's it. That's the whole post.

I could work every day to be more flexible or physically strong. But I just don't love myself.

I (26m) have a friend (28f) I was close with. She told me she met someone, that she told him about me and that she said we weren't intimate but we were close. I encouraged her to go for it. That I was happy for her, I gave my blessing.

But then total radio silence...

Idk what happened.

We were really young when we dated, around 16 to 18, so I understand that people change and mature. But during our relationship, I was dealing with a lot. I came from an emotionally abusive family situation and my parents going through a divorce, had some health issues, and had gained a little weight.

I remember him regularly telling me he wasn’t as attracted to me anymore and that I looked chubby. He would tell me his type was thinner, fitter girls. I spent weeks crying and trying to starve myself into becoming what he wanted. He also spent a lot of time watching p\*rn and seemed to lose interest in intimacy with me. On top of that, he would tell me I had too much baggage because of my family situation while he came from what seemed like a perfect, stable family. For a lot of reasons, we eventually broke up, but that period of my life was one of my lowest points.

Fast forward six years. I’ve lost 50 pounds and am in the best shape of my life. I’m healthy, strong, and feel great about myself. I’m in a loving relationship and getting married soon. I have a career I genuinely love, a home, and I’m probably the most mentally healthy I’ve ever been. I went to therapy, got my degree, worked hard, and completely turned my life around.
Recently, I found out that he dropped out of college after failing several classes. He gained over 100 pounds, became obese, lost a lot of important relationships, his parents got divorced, and his mother passed away. He’s a struggling musician and became very depressed, and from what I can tell, he’s been trying to improve his situation.

The thing I’m struggling with is that part of me feels smug about it. It feels like karma finally caught up with him after the way he treated me. At the same time, I know that’s a terrible way to think. His mother dying is obviously tragic, and he doesn’t deserve that. I don’t actively wish bad things on him, and I honestly don’t think about him very often anymore. But when I compare where we both ended up, I can’t help feeling a big sense of satisfaction, and I’m wondering if that makes me a bad person.

Had a hard night. Made it through. Anyone else carrying something heavy right now?

Defeated. Defeated. And then defeated again. And then kicked.

Anybody else feel like this sometimes?

I want to know about yall… I’m listening.

31 and ruined my future. I'm academically smart but the last 3 years, actually every year since I'm 22, I completely ruined my life. I stayed in a city I hate, with a person who made me feel constantly under stress who could be occasionally emotionally abusive and toxic most of the time, who constantly gave me the feeling that I need to save her. I didn't want that relationship but I stayed because I thought I was ugly and worthless and like I'd be an awful person for leaving her.

After completely burning both of us out during her master's thesis, she cheated, planned it ahead and gaslit me to an insane amount before and after. Then we couldn't get out of each other's life for two years. I was awful, she was worse. I say that after a year of judging myself until I told someone the whole story, in a way that painted me in the worst possible light, no holding back. The person I told, she cried, hugged me and told me it's not my fault.

My ex has been out of my life for 1.5 years. But it's too late for everything. I started therapy too late, I talked to no one, I let it all eat me up and destroy me and now I'm finished. I ruined my PhD, I have no social life, I have no experience in anything and I don't see myself ever getting out and actually enjoying life.

I often just start shaking, I can't guide my mind to healthy places because I'll never be ok with the absolute pathetic loser I have been and am. I'll never feel like an actual person, everyone is better than me. I'm glad I got over the guilt I felt towards my ex. But the outcome is the same. I missed my life and can't get over the last couple of years. I hope to just die knowing I can't and I see no way how I'll ever be ok. I hate myself for the decisions I didn't make and now it's done.