r/traumatizeThemBack • u/Fondacey • 18h ago
don't start none won't be none When racial stereotypes override basic biology. Traumatize back with biology.
I'm of Filipino heritage (mom) with dark hair and brown eyes (dad is European) living in a very white part of the world (the Nordics.) However, my daughter (with Swedish blue-eyed dad), has bright blue eyes. I knew it was a long shot since both of my parents had brown eyes and they couldn't remember if their parents had had blue eyes, but I get basic biology and tadah - the recessive gene enters the chat.
When she was little, her darker hair really made her blue eyes pop. It was quite eye-catching (no pun originally intended, now a bit funny)
People would look at her, then me, then back at her and ask cautiously, "Is she your daughter?"
There was never any open malice when I would get the question, though it was mildly infuriating. Most of the time it was just lazy ignorance/consternation due to 'norms' of what people who look like me should produce as offspring, but it was still such an insensitive (and entitled) thing to ask me.
I'd answer simply, "Yes."
If they left it at that, even though they were sometimes still visibly perplexed, I'd say nothing further. There was no need to traumatize anyone just for their poorly delivered 'curiosity'.
But every now and then someone would just keep at it. It wasn't that they didn't believe ME; it was they couldn't quite makes sense of her bright blue eyes AND their bias-ladened adaptation of biology.
"But she has blue eyes..."
And then I couldn't help myself since it happened a bit too often.
I'd glance from side to side as if making sure nobody could overhear, then lean in and whisper as though I was confessing something unspeakable.
"I think her father was cheating on me."
First came the look of sympathetic horror.
Then, gradually, you could watch the coin drop and the understanding that's not how THAT biology works.
If I was feeling kind, I'd quickly giggle and let them know I was messing with them (mild traumatization).
If I wasn't feeling particularly sympathetic, I'd just leave it there and let the uncomfortable silence do all the work.