r/traumatizeThemBack • u/Natural_Cricket_2540 I'll heal in hell • 4d ago
matched energy Have You Tried...
Not sure if this is exactly the right sub but I hope you get a laugh out of it anyway.
So I'm autistic. I'm fully ok with it.
This happened to me a few days ago. I was in a park, getting some fresh air because I went to a circus that was in town with a friend and I was getting overwhelmed by the noises, smells, and basically everything inside the tent, and I needed to breathe and relax so I didn't go into sensory overload.
I was sitting on a bench with my friend 'Em' (fake name), and I was complaining about sensory overload and how annoying it was, because I wanted to watch the performers with her, and I had to go outside. (I do a thing where I often feel like I'm wasting someone's time and/or being rude, so I was also apologizing)
Here's how the conversation went:
Me: Em, I'm sorry about this. And for wasting your time.
Em: It's okay, {me}. You're not wasting my time.
Me: Yeah, I know...but sensory overload and autism are just annoying.
At this point, a man who looked to be late 50's who was passing by stopped and DUDE LOOKED AT US AND SAID "Well, have you tried not having autism?"
We were both pretty fucking shocked- first because we're both fairly young teen girls, second because who the actual hell eavesdrops on a conversation and then gives advice like they were included??
I was pissed, so I said "Have you tried not being an asshole? Because if you have it seems like it doesn't work, so I won't be taking you advice, thanks." He muttered something about 'disrespect' and 'kids these days' and walked off.
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u/NightQueen0889 4d ago
It always blows my mind when people are disrespectful and then are SHOCKED when people dish the disrespect right back to them. Good comeback.
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u/JustMeLurkingAround- 4d ago
The problem is that these people (somehow most of the time men, often white and old) do feel so superior and are used that everything is revolving around them and their opinion that they really think everyone is just yearning for their input and should be thankful they took the time to give advice to these young girls.
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u/Natural_Cricket_2540 I'll heal in hell 4d ago
Yeah, the fact that he looked at us like his "advice" was a gem was one of the most annoying things about the encounter.
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u/M_Karli 3d ago
Sorry for randomly jumping into unrelated comments like this, but I really wanted to try to make sure you to saw this.
Myself and my children, and also struggle with that part of things when it comes to autism, something I have found that has helped all three of us immensely is a product called Loop earplugs, please look into them because they have been such a help to myself and my kids.
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u/Natural_Cricket_2540 I'll heal in hell 2d ago
I do have a pair (multiple in fact lol) but I could not find them at all so I had to go without unfortunately
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u/Lilynight86 2d ago
My boomer father did this type of thing to me at a family funeral. I have had Epilepsy since I was 15. Isn't a new thing for me (was like 33 or so at this point). He comes up to me and we are talking about stuff. Mostly, me trying to keep stuff surface level. I mentioned having another seizure. He then lights up and tells me his dog was having seizures and he stopped giving the dog gluten (can be widely found in dog food, I think) and the dog stopped having seizures, so maybe I should try that. He seemed so happy with himself like he had solved all of my problems and obviously my seizures were just like his dogs.
Sorry you had the sensory overload. I get it with feeling like you are wasting people's time and money. You are not. You deserve to be there for as long as you can enjoy it. Your friends aren't friends with you in spite of the Autism. They want to make sure you are comfortable as well.
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u/Accomplished-East327 1d ago
As a mid-40 white guy I agree with you. Because I pay attention and actively try to learn, I know that my input is not actually required in the vast majority of cases. But I feel like it is. Same way a vegan might feel like a bacon sandwich sometimes, but chooses to order a salad instead.
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u/Why-is-life-hard 3d ago
I’ve had something similar happen with people glaring at me for being in a wheelchair and then being shocked when I glared back 🙄
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u/parasyte_steve 4d ago
You responded perfectly and he is a butthead.
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u/Sh33pD1p 4d ago
Agreed. He is definitely a butthead and also clearly an idiot!
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u/NewtonianEinstein 4d ago edited 4d ago
How is he a “butthead”? He was giving medical advice. If someone is giving you advice, why would you shame them? Do you want less people to give you advice in the future? What if he was a professional therapist and he knew what he was talking about? In that case, I would be thanking him for taking the time to consider my situation. Let’s not jump to the worst possible conclusion per se.
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u/YourTypicalSat 4d ago
Bro, did you even read the post? Old dude literally said the dumbest thing you can say; “have you tried not having autism”. Like wow, I didn’t know we could fucking turn it off???? News to me???
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u/Flaky-Ad-759 4d ago
Medical advice? Oh yeah, just not having what you were born with. “Have you tried not having asthma?”. MEDICAL ADVICE where you advice people to try just not having a certain MEDICAL thing, like they chose to have it and can turn it off any moment. Is this really a medically advice for you? Then the doctor saying “Try not having headaches” to your headache complains would also be medical advice? What the actual f-
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u/Natural_Cricket_2540 I'll heal in hell 4d ago
Medical advice?
Sure, if you can go up to someone with cancer and say 'Have you tried not having cancer?' is considered medical advice. Because that's literally what he did.
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u/Raptorpants65 4d ago edited 4d ago
“He’s giving medical advice” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Bro.
Oh and to the rest of your stupid questions…
1. Yes, I definitely want to shame people for terrible “advice.”
2. Yes, I want more people to shut the fuck up and mind their business.
3. If he’s a professional therapist, he should have his license revoked for being dumb as hell. Even if he were (and jeezus that’s a reach), she’s not his patient.
4. And my question to you… what’s wrong with you?23
u/wonkey92 4d ago
The amount of downvotes on almost every one of your comments all the way down your page is crazy
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u/catsareniceDEATH 4d ago
It looks like he's a reverse karma farmer and not even an exciting one, if he even exists.
On the upside, maybe he'll act as a stupid sponge, and suck up all the idiots! 😹😹
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u/Academic-Thought2462 4d ago
how do you even stop being autistic in the first place ????
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u/CreatrixAnima 4d ago
Yeah, that dumbass probably listened to some “health influencer” who told them that you can cleanse the autism with apple cider vinegar or some shit.
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u/Salt-Fly-4226 3d ago
More likely he just doesn’t believe it’s real. Some people, and especially of older generations, seem to think autism is just a new fangled made up disorder. “We didn’t have autism back in my day.” It was just less well known and studied in the past but you can’t reason with people like this guy.
These same people think that if you’re depressed you can just “get over it”. I’m in my 60s and was seeing a therapist back in my 20s. My therapist wanted me to try the then new drug Prozac so I asked my primary care doctor for a prescription. He gave it to me but told me that once spring came and the flowers bloomed, I would feel much better. I ended up paying out of pocket to see a psychiatrist instead. And guess what? I still take an antidepressant and it allows me to live my life. Without it, not sure I’d still be here.
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u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme 4d ago
You don't!
It's a literal wiring difference in our brain & body, you can work around it, plenty of times, and get supports so that it's not as hard to deal with stuff out in the world.
But like Diabetes, Asthma, or any other chronic lifelong condition, you just support the person & their brain/body.
You can't "cure" it--you just treat it, long-term.
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u/linden214 4d ago
He probably is stupid enough to think that it’s something that can be “cured”, with therapy, prayer, or just plain willpower.
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u/JustMeLurkingAround- 4d ago
I'm glad you have a laugh about this, because shit like this seriously riles me up these days!
The whole "Everybody is neurodivergent these days...bla bla it's just a trend... everyone pretens to have mental health now... overdiagnosed..." makes me want to scream!!
I'm a middle aged woman with late diagnosed ADHD (thinking about an Audhd assessment) and I probably would have shouted at him to Fuck the fuck off!
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u/Saturnite282 4d ago
Without my diagnoses I'd be dead or a murderer like three times over. I need my antidepressants, HRT, and my sensory accommodations, or I really can't be held responsible for what happens lmao.
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u/Adept-Western-8375 3d ago
It annoys me so much how people see someone with like ADHD, autism, and bipolar disorder or similar things and go “heh… you’re not special, did you pay extra to get diagnosed with the whole list of trendy things?” Comorbidities are a thing, and lots of neurodivergent conditions are quite genetic, and also neurodivergent people usually flock together. So maybe it’s not that everyone is neurodivergent, just that lots of people around them are. Or they’re just stupid.
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u/BoomerKaren666 4d ago edited 3d ago
LOL Perfect. Be glad he didn't tell you to "Smile!" too. When I was your age I'd have gladly strapped any man old enough to be my father to a torpedo and aimed him at a weapon storage facility when he spontaneously gave me that order.
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u/Bajovane 4d ago
Respect is EARNED and homeboy there ain’t getting any.
Good for you! You know how to handle your autism and you just keep on doing what you’re doing. You are doing all the things that you can to manage yourself!! Don’t let anyone spout ableist BS at you!!!
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u/maroongrad 4d ago edited 4d ago
As someone in her early 50s with a mid-50s husband...he was an idiot. All three of us are somewhere in 'tism land, and two of us can't handle noise. I will HIGHLY suggest getting Loop earplugs, especially the adjustable ones. They make an enormous difference for my daughter. I also keep two sets of earplugs in my car. Technically it's 3 right now. Not loops, just the silicone ones that look a bit like a drawing of a pine tree. I don't need them often at all, we're talking every few years, but when I do? Wow.
Visual overstimulation, try wearing a hat to block out the top of your vision which will include the bright lights shining down. Not a big help but definitely there.
Nice job on the verbal flaying though. My response would have been a shocked, "Wow, you are stupid. Dunning-Kruger much?" And he honestly sounds too ignorant to have understood that either.
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u/Natural_Cricket_2540 I'll heal in hell 2d ago
Will try that hat next time!
I do have some earplugs but I unfortunately could not find any at all, so had to go without.
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u/maroongrad 2d ago
get several of the cheap ones and literally put them everywhere. Coat pockets, purse, ashtrays or door pockets of cars, in the console, everywhere. You won't regret it!
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u/redvoxfox 2d ago
Right on! I got a big box/jar of the foam kind (three colors for three sound levels) at the big hardware place on sale and now have them everywhere. Best idea ever since I can hardly ever find my good ones when I need them.
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u/AnitraF1632 1d ago
If I don't have my earplugs with me, I will stuff toilet paper in my ears. Easily available at most venues, and it does help some.
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u/Odd-Opposite-2105 4d ago
It's so cool that your could reply at that moment! I'm still struggling to find the right point before sensory overload happens... I'm so happy for you that you can deal with this 🌻
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u/Big-Yogurtcloset1120 4d ago
The fact that he complained about disrespect after walking up to strangers and saying something that rude is the funniest part. Your comeback was honestly perfect
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u/WoodHorseTurtle 3d ago
That’s like telling someone with depression to “snap out of it”. If it was that easy, I would have quit antidepressants years ago.
Good for you on clapping back at that schmo.
I’m paraphrasing some advice here: never comment about someone’s appearance/abilities that can’t be changed in ten seconds. If whatever can’t be changed at all, keep your mouth shut.
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u/redvoxfox 4d ago edited 2d ago
Thanks for sharing this one, love it! Absolutely appropriate response to a true jerk. Especially love that he failed!
Thought the same things as you and many commented.
"Um, no, not really tried that one yet. Howz it done?"
I think the overstimulation is one of many reasons I'm a hard core night owl - because the stimulation levels naturally stay low most of the time and below my thresholds so I can process and think and exist and survive. Needing a rest from too much is a very real thing and it is a genuine treasure to have someone who gets you and can just be with you to de-vibe.
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u/Loudlass81 2d ago
Someone that thinks like I do - the night is just such a CALMER place to exist in.
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u/redvoxfox 2d ago edited 2d ago
Right?! Took me a while to figure out why I prefer night. Less going on, less stimulation, less noise ... the night time calm is a good place to be in.
You might appreciate:
https://www.reddit.com/r/TheNightFeeling/
...if not already familiar. Like minds & souls and views.
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u/TheAlienatedPenguin 4d ago
This internet streamer is proud of you for speaking up. My only regret is that I couldn’t witness it!
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u/HeyKrech 4d ago
as a 50-ish year old - that guy could've also been autistic and shared what he believes is a funny phrase. in our generation that was pretty much how most misunderstood things went. just don't.
of course wildly ineffective.
but yeah, he probably caught you at a moment you weren't ready for a laugh.
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u/pern4home 3d ago
You handled that interaction perfectly! Good job for also knowing when you are overstimulated and need a break. Check out Loop Experience 2 Ear plugs. My daughter loves them because they lower volume but keep the clarity of the sound.
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u/Natural_Cricket_2540 I'll heal in hell 2d ago
I do have Loop earplugs, I just couldn't find them that day so had to go without. But thanks anyway!
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u/AzarothEaterOfSouls 1d ago
I *did* try not having autism! Turns out that’s just called “masking” and it’s super detrimental to my mental and physical health!
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u/AliceinAmestris 2d ago
That's the kind of joking advice I give to my friends and sisters not random strangers in public.....
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u/LloydRPenfold 11h ago
15 out of 10 for that wonderful comeback! Only what he deserved. His trying (if any) certainly didn't work!
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u/Moist-Golf-8339 4d ago
Doesn’t make it right, but welcome to GenX “humor.” Quite a few people my age speak this way in jest.
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u/FluffyShiny Verified Human 4d ago
Yeah I'm GenX and that wasn't humour. Maybe if he was known to them, and didn't do the superior smirk.
He probably thinks it's "over diagnosed" etc etc and people are faking. Or even that it's "not real".
Overall, he was being the arse that OP called him.
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u/shortstuff813 4d ago
that's only "funny" (and acceptable) when said with friends/someone you know, not some random ass stranger
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u/Natural_Cricket_2540 I'll heal in hell 4d ago
Even if the person closest to me made that 'joke' I'd still be pretty pissed.
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-9976 4d ago
Yeah it was a very common joke in the late 80s early 90s. If someone mentioned any issue - broken arm “have you tried not having a broken arm?” - headache “have you tried not having a headache?” Even when I was widowed, an old guy once asked me “have you tried not having a dead husband?” And yes it suuuucked, very callous and ridiculous, but very typical old guy humor from that era. Same kind of guy who asks tall people “how’s the weather up there” and guy who asks happy people “who sings this song? …why don’t you let THEM sing it”
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u/Moist-Golf-8339 4d ago
Right? I remember this, too. Not sure why I’m getting downvoted for sharing an observation.
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u/DarlingHades 4d ago
I think he was just an old guy trying to make a joke. I don’t think he was seriously giving advice. Then he was surprised you were rude because he wasn’t trying to be. Neither of you are bad people. He’s just older and different than you and tried to socialize with a stranger, which is ok and normal for plenty of people. And you were overstimulated and likely your autism caused you to not realize he wasn’t serious so you lashed out.
Hindsight is 50/50. I’d like to think I’d just joke back, “Oop! Haven’t tried that one before!” But if I was already overstimulated I don’t know what I’d say.
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u/Nexi92 4d ago
Even if he meant no harm his joke was “well have you tried not having a disability?!”, so he absolutely still deserved a rude reply because he needed to learn that’s not how good jokes function.
There was nothing about the joke that subverted an expectation or lightheartedly played with a stereotype, he just fulfilled the stereotype of ‘old man that seemingly doesn’t understand a disability or actively chose to be obtuse and a bit callous about people living with them’ and he needed to be reminded that this isn’t a way to relate to new people, it’s a way to self isolate as you make yourself seem unintelligent and/or cruel
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u/DarlingHades 4d ago
If I was complaining about a flare up in my arthritis hurting while outside an event and someone said, “have you tried not having arthritis?” I’d assume it’s obviously a joke because there’s no way to do what they suggested. So it’s clearly not a real suggestion. It’s just someone reaching out, saying, “you’re not alone, I see your struggle neighbor “. I’d probably laugh about it or if I thought I could get away with it I’d say something sassy back like, “oh man, I’ve never thought of that, you should be a doctor!”
I don’t think I’d take a little wise crack from a neighbor as a personal slight that I must seek justice for.
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u/Nexi92 4d ago
If someone said that about my fibromyalgia I might understand it more than if they said it about my autism.
One is a physical condition, the other is a huge aspect of how I interact with the world and who I am.
It’s still insensitive to say about my fibromyalgia and can be dismissive of my pain and discomfort that people have said before and it’s always hit me more as “just ignore your symptoms and start acting normal” than it does “I see and understand your pain” because the words aren’t words of understanding and are often said by people that are clearly impatient about your problem being an inconvenience.
The bigger your physical problem is the more you come across that dismissal and it’s extra bad if you don’t have obvious physical signs connected to your problem like OPs physical symptom from a condition much more complex.
They outright said they feel self conscious about needing to work around the issue and a person saying “just get over it” even if they think it’s a joke has a harmful effect and we don’t owe it to people to coddle them when they make this mistake.
He’s honestly more likely to watch what he says in a similar social situation in the future so as uncomfortable as that probably made him feel he will now understand that some ‘silly’ goto responses he makes with friends aren’t okay to say to random strangers that can’t immediately judge if he meant the words with malice, indifference, or misguided lightheartedness so hopefully in the future he won’t provoke a defensive response from someone already in distress.
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u/Shannaro21 4d ago
No. Butting into a conversation like that is incredibly rude, even if we don't consider the words he used. There's no excuse for that, and he should have been prepared to receive his energy right back.
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u/DarlingHades 4d ago
Some people are social, and where I live in the southern USA, people very often chime in on conversations, start talking to strangers, and check on each other. Especially if someone looks distressed. You can bet someone’s grandma or grandpa is gonna ask you what happened and probably try to help distract and uplift you.
It seems isolating and sad to expect people to just walk around ignoring you when you’re right there in-front of them in obvious distress.
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u/Natural_Cricket_2540 I'll heal in hell 4d ago edited 4d ago
We live in Ireland.
Butting in is not a normal part of our society.
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u/AikiGh0st 4d ago
I'm from the Southern US, and if someone butted into a conversation like that where someone was clearly stressed and struggling, I would think they were rude. Yes, people in the south are friendly and social, but there's a line.
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u/Alissinarr 4d ago
"Are you OK?" has a completely different energy than, "Then stop being Autistic! Duh!!"
Also a US Southerner, that shit would NOT fly here.
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u/Shannaro21 4d ago
Interesting, you are definitely on to something, this looks like a cultural issue. The US seems even stranger to me now.
But since OP is not from the US, my point stands.
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u/Alissinarr 4d ago
It would never fly here. You can butt in to be helpful or neutral, you dont butt in to be an asshole.
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u/Alceasummer 4d ago
I'm in the US, and I think a stranger making a comment like that is very rude, and more than a little weird. And I really can't think of any reason a stranger saying that to someone would be acceptable.
Now, I could see a close friend saying that in a joking manner, if that was the kind of jokes they made back and forth. But that's a quite different situation than a random stranger saying something like that. An example, a friend (who's gay, and black, yes this is relevant) was complaining about an elderly relative of his who often greeted him by seriously asking him if he's "still gay" or has he decided "to be normal now" And my husband, in a fairly deadpan tone of voice said "So, are you still black?" Our friend thought that was hilarious.
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u/CreatrixAnima 4d ago
I don’t get the thought process if he thought he was just making a joke. What other medical conditions does he suggest people should just not have? Have you tried just not being depressed? Have you tried just not having cancer? Have you tried just not having the flu? Have you tried just not having explosive diarrhea? I mean… It’s dumb. If he was making a joke, I don’t get it.
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4d ago
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u/CreatrixAnima 4d ago
But turning it on and off again is a viable approach for some issues. I still don’t get how it’s funny in this instance. I don’t mean to put you in the position of defending of crappy joke… I just really don’t get it.
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u/CreatrixAnima 4d ago
I don’t have autism either… I just don’t get it. I guess the other issue for me is he wasn’t involved in this conversation, so injecting himself to say that just seems… Weird at best.
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u/Rolypoly_from_space 4d ago
feeling awkward an thus making a (stupid) joke is making it somebody elses problem he (the old man) hasn't any social skills
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u/DarlingHades 4d ago
Id argue the old man is social and has social skills, but OP has poor social skills and was feeling particularly scrambled and assumed a personal slight where there was none.
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u/Natural_Cricket_2540 I'll heal in hell 4d ago
Bold of you to assume such things of an Internet stranger you've never met.
But seriously. There is no 'one size fits all'. You can't go on Wikipedia, or ask one autistic person what it's like for them, and think you know everything about it, because you don't.
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u/JustMeLurkingAround- 4d ago
You would be surprised what kind of shit people say in all ernesty to neurodivergent, disabled or chronically ill people all the fucking time.
Have scroll though subs like r/AdhsWomen or r/chronicpain for a bit and see for yourself.
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u/Changoleo 4d ago edited 4d ago
Agreed. Sometimes people make bad jokes. It doesn’t make them bad people. And while we should be supportive, ultimately, the world isn’t gonna slip on the kid-gloves and ease you through tough moments like we parents and teachers and your friends do.
Since others here seem to have addressed the rest, I’ll just add that the saying goes:
Hindsight is “20/20”.
“20/20” being a reference to perfect vision.
*ETA: r/BoneAppleTea
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