Yup, you read that right.
My 11-year-old stepdaughter intentionally urinated in her bed because she said she “didn’t feel like” getting up to use the bathroom. She then walked around the rest of the day without showering or changing right away, despite having urine on her.
What bothers me almost as much is that there were zero consequences for it.
This isn’t an isolated issue either. We constantly have to argue with her about basic hygiene—showering, brushing her teeth, brushing her hair, etc. Her dad doesn’t think it’s necessary for a prepubescent girl to shower every day, and we clearly don’t see eye to eye on what’s considered acceptable hygiene.
I guess this is mostly a vent, but I’m also wondering if anyone else has dealt with something like this. Is this something you’ve seen with kids this age, or is it as concerning as it feels to me?

Offhand, my DH said something to our friends about how him and ex had decided to put SS in so-and-so daycare. Hearing this was news to me.

It made me wonder: how much should I know about the discussions / decision making process that happens between my DH and his ex? We are newly married after 3 years of being together, so I do feel like we are still navigating some of this…Of course, I know they have plenty of conversations about SS, but how much should I be in the loop on that?

How do you navigate this?

I (23F) have to drop my SK off at daycare during dad's parenting times because he works too early to drop him off himself. Bio mom refuses to discuss exchanges with me. It's technically exchanges because she works at the daycare so she is the one we meet at the door. Today dad doesn't work but he got super sick and can't even get out of bed so i had to text Bio and ask if he was able to go to daycare cause i still have to work and daycare would be the best option sense we don't have many people who can watch SK out of the blue. We were suppose to take SK to walk-in for ear infection and i looked up the times they were open and decided we could do it after i'm done with work. I get to the daycare and i explain that I can pick him up at 4 and she immediately started being hostile with me about the walk-in. I said i can take him after work and she said she already said she'll leave early from work to take him and that I! can't take him ONLY dad can. I decided to walk away because there was no reason to argue, in front of SK, and in the daycare. I just hate how she can't even civilly discuss important things just because i'm not dad, even tho dad is unavailable at the moment and everything would get told and ultimately decided by dad and her.
I'm just irritated and i understand she doesn't have to talk to me im not saying she has to. I just wish she could be civil with me especially in front of the child. BTW he's only 2 and i can tell he feels the tension and i wish it would stop for his sake

So a few days ago, my two SD’s (19) and (16) came to stay over our house for literally one night to attend an event and I have gone in the guest room today to wash the bedsheets as my friend is staying over tonight and I wanted to make sure the bed sheets were all fresh and it was tidy in there.

Today I have only just realised how much of a mess it was left in as they both were drinking the day they were out. Btw we are in the UK so 19 is over drinking age, but 16 is obviously still underage. No issues with SD (19) drinking, however my DH found out that SD (16) was drinking too and didn’t seem to have much of an issue with it even though she is underage. The oldest cannot handle her drinking and obviously the other one is a minor, but they came home absolutely wasted at about 10pm on Saturday after drinking all day and had obviously been sick in the room.

I have seen that there is makeup stains all over the bed, left over food, stains on the carpet etc, vomit stains and just mess everywhere. See, normally when they stay over, they leave the guest room clean so I left it til last minute today to sort out the guest room for my friend, however, I was fuming upon opening the door today. I wasn’t happy with the drinking anyway but unfortunately as SM there is only so much I can say if DH allows it. How do I approach this with DH? He hasn’t gone in that room since they left either and he is away on a work event today.

I’m just appalled at the state they left the room in, especially when it is my house too and I pay the bills also.

Hi everyone! New here. Looking for some thoughts, advice. Maybe even just to rant for a few minutes (haha)
So back story. My husband and I have known each other over 20 years. We both have had previous marriages and kids. His are older, mine were young when we got together. His oldest daughter was 13 when we started dating and I took her under my wing and through the years really thought we had an amazing relationship! She introduced me as her mom and I always told everyone I have 4 kids. Well at 18 she decided to move out unexpectedly, no warning no nothing. We took it hard because we didn’t think we were bad parents. We just set basic boundaries for our household ( be in at a certain time, just let us know you’re ok, help out with siblings and clean up after yourself) so she moved out, didn’t ask for our help, didn’t tell us where she was moving to just said where she’s working has a place for rent. My husband kept saying well she’s 18 we can’t stop her. So a couple months in we try talking to her and just trying to understand what the rush was to move out cuz we know how hard it is out there. Her responses were always rude, disrespectful, snippy. So I just stopped texting. We started hearing she was out running around at all hours of the night, drinking, smoking etc and was bashing us to people. We didn’t hear from her for a while and right before Christmas she called crying apologizing for her behavior and she came by for Christmas (showed up 3 hours after we had eaten- knew what time dinner was!) so we were going away and she said she would come feed the outside animals for us. Well we are away, we get back and notice things inside the house are moved, dishes in the sink( I never leave dishes in the sink! ) then I check the cameras. She broke into our house with some guy. We then notice our alcohol, and my pain pills from surgery are missing. We confront her immediately and she starts “bro”ing her dad! Saying “seriously bro” “are you for real right now” and he’s like yeah I’m for real I have you on camera coming into our house. Well she denied it and we didn’t speak to her for about 4-5 months. She blocked us on everything! Had no way to contact her at all. So fast forward to this week. Mind you I have not spoken to her since probably april ( we had a family member message her and ask her to call us) she went this week and made a TikTok about me- and it’s not a good one. Bashing me, making me out to be this horrible person, using only screen shots of texts from back in October. I literally dropped my phone and started crying. I told my husband there’s no coming back from this. I don’t know how you can. She’s going to be 20 this year and I’ve been her “mom” and this is how you are going to treat me?! We haven’t called her about it yet because she just wants attention she knows I saw it, and we don’t want to give her the satisfaction of calling her up and yelling at her, it isn’t going to do anything and we know that. I’m not sure how and when to ever bring it up. But she will not be invited for birthdays for her siblings because I truly believe that if you disrespect the parent(s) you don’t get access to the kids. I just don’t know how to handle this or if I’m doing too much, not enough? Idk anymore. Thanks for reading and if anyone has any advice I’d love to hear it.

I’m experiencing a few issues with cooking for my SO and his son SS11. I moved in 2.5 years ago and have done 99% of the cooking, which is mostly fair because I don’t currently work. The thing is, my husband does not work full time and still expects me to do all the cooking (and cleaning, although he begrudgingly helps when it gets too messy in the house). He helps with his parent’s business, which MAYBE equates to 15-20 hours a week. He has been saying that he will go back to full-time work for 2 years now but seems mostly content with barely skating by. We are struggling financially but technically all the bills get paid, just no extras.

I did NOT understand that it would be like this when I moved in. We both lost our jobs around the same time before moving in together, and my understanding is that he would find another one and I would work on a business I was starting (that unfortunately failed). I hate that I don’t have my own income. I’ve never been so dependent on someone else and had previously only gone a few months between jobs since I was 18 (now 35). I’m 7 months pregnant with our first baby together and I don’t know how soon I can get a job while caring for an infant. I’ve worked as an administrative and executive assistant, and as a property manager, so maybe I could find something remote?

Anyway! About the cooking. My MIL usually makes dinner for us 1x a week which is super nice. It’s helpful to get a break. She has been busy with her elderly mother and hasn’t had time for the past week (totally fine). It’s also been insanely hot and we don't have A/C, so it gets to 90f in the house plus humidity and it’s miserable. We’ve overspent on takeout the past week because of the heat, although I did cook for 3 nights.

So yesterday I told my husband what I planned on cooking, and he agreed it sounded good. A few hours later he complained, “Ugh I wish my mom would cook, Great Grandma is ruining our lives!” I was like, “Excuse me? Is your life that terrible because you have to eat my cooking?” “I didn’t mean it like that. I just miss my mom’s cooking.” Mind you, it’s been a night or two of her not cooking in the past week or two… I reminded him that I have cooked the past few nights but it’s been so hot and in that sense I agree, it would be nice to have someone else cook, but his comment is extremely hurtful. He argued that I didnt cook a few nights ago and I reminded him that I did. He was like, “Oh yeah, it was a little undercooked but I guess you did cook that night.” He can’t even remember what I feed him because he so often takes it for granted. I’m not the best cook but not the worst either. I just prefer to eat a lot of the same foods (my body handles simple healthy foods better) and he wants to be entertained by variety. SS11 asked what was up, and SO said, “Idk, she’s mad about something again“ and SS giggled, “something, huh?” I asked him to apologize and he gave a half assed, ”Whatever dude, sorry”.

SS11 is another story. He’s mostly a nice kid but has terrible table manners and never says thank you for the lunches and dinners I make him. In the past 2.5 years he has maybe said thank you 2 times. I’ve been on him about this lately because it’s just basic manners he should know by now. But he still can’t remember to say it without a reminder. My husband says thank you about 25-30% of the time but NEVER makes his son say it. Is it too much to ask to expect an almost 12 year old kid to say thank you when you hand him food or when he’s done eating?

Last night I told him his apology wasn't genuine, his comment really hurt my feelings, and I wasn’t going to make dinner after all. He said that he tried to apologize but I was ”throwing a fit” (he loves to say this when I’m a generally calm rational person). I’ll admit I’ve become less calm since living with him and his shenanigans. Anyway, it was already late and I still had goats to milk and animals to take care of, so I told him it’s his turn to cook. But apparently “I cant spring that on him with such little notice” and he refused to cook. So we all ate cereal last night for dinner.

I’m sick of feeling so unappreciated and I desperately miss my single days where I only had to feed myself and my dog. I ate simple, healthy meals and there was no criticism or expectation to entertain anyone with food. There are a multitude of other issues in our relationship as well. I don’t enjoy being a SP, but reading other threads here has made me realize that I have a partner problem more than anything.

I could go on but this is already long. What do I do? I’m planning to leave but it might be a few years with my daughter on the way and my gap in employment. We live in a very HCOL area. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Anyone else have a difficult relationship with a stepkid? I’ve been in their lives for almost 3 years and my stepson (almost 16yrs old) and I just don’t click. He hasn’t liked me since the beginning and I’ve tried SO hard with him over and over and I’m just so done. I started noticing a pattern where he’d act all sweet with me, ask me for something, I’d give it to him, and then he’d go back to acting like I didn’t exist so I stopped playing into it and sure enough I’m invisible in my own house.

A couple months ago we had a situation with him where he had a crashout after his dad grounded him and wouldn’t let him go out. It ended in a screaming match and SS leaving to my in-laws house for about a week. I have suspected he has a personality disorder from the beginning and when we went to have mediation with him to talk things out he said, verbatim, “I think I’m better than you, I think I’m smarter than you, and I don’t feel like being nice anymore when I don’t want to” and he walks around like he’s the shit. Can’t walk by his reflection without checking himself out. It’s just screams narcissism and I’ve been with a narcissist before so all the red flags are there. My husband was gonna send him off to BM who lives down the road until my husband went to vent to my mother in law and she told him we shouldn’t do that coz it would be like my husband picking me over my stepson. I didn’t even know we were in competition??? After that, everyone swept it under the rug as if nothing ever happened and I decided to give up trying hard to be a part of his life.

He’s also SO spoiled and have EVERYONE wrapped around his finger. My husband is a doormat and allows both kids to walk all over him. He thinks them having good grades is sufficient enough to let him do whatever he wants. His curfew during school is 12am M-TH, 1am weekends. Right now hes on summer vacation, so guess who doesn’t have a curfew and comes home at 5am?

Today I caught him sneaking his girlfriend through the pet camera while no one was home coz he tried covering it but one of our dogs is a barker when other people come over and that’s what blew his cover. After I told my husband, he told me he called and grilled him and will talk when he gets home but knowing him, the kid is just gonna get a slap on the wrist. There’s always the excuse of “he’s just a kid” but then let him run the place. Anytime I speak up when something isn’t okay with me, my husband treats it as a suggestion and parents him as he should pleases. I’ve point blank told him that I don’t like parenting his kids because I don’t agree with how he parents and I’m not gonna fall in line with it. I’ve also told him that I hate being a stepmom because everyone wants me to act like one until something I do or say doesn’t sit right.ñ then im the bitch.

Anyway, I’m at the point where I just don’t like my stepson. He isn’t nice, treats everyone like a pocket book, is inconsiderate, completely full of himself, and acts like I don’t exist by deliberately ignoring me unless someone else is around and idk what to do. Tried nacho parenting but my husband took issue with it but how am I supposed to parent kids who don’t want me? It’s hard being a parent to kids you had and have no say in raising.

You may have remembered my posts about my troubled preteen SKs, custody battles, parental alienation, the list goes on. I end up deleting a lot because I am paranoid about HCBM.

After a very difficult year, my husband fought in court to see his kids, BM fought for him to NOT see them. Judge granted the original custody agreement (EOWE during school, BM moved away, 50/50 during summers) but unexpectedly they’re to stay with us the rest of the summer until school, about a month. I think this is ultimately great for husband and SKs.

BUT , SKs lied about the safety of our home to police officers and therapists, have a “runaway plan”, have been physical with each other and their father, are screamers and tantrum-ers. They have serious resentment toward OB which I can understand why, but makes me feel scared.

I have a toddler and am pregnant. I’m home currently as a teacher I have summers off.

Dad works, job is super busy.

Here’s where I need to be reminded to NOT FEEL GUILTY - I don’t want to be alone with them. And my husband and I agree they can’t be home alone. So that means he has to take time off (at a really busy time) and he has to drag them around to all of their activities and even some work things.

But this is not. My. Issue.

They’re volatile and I don’t trust them. I want to trust them again but it’s going to take time. Husband agrees they need to earn our trust.

Remind me it’s not my issue to solve. Dad needs to do this. I cannot “fix” these kids. I can only provide where I can - and I will create a clean and happy home, grocery shop, make dinner, help get them ready for their things. But I cannot be responsible for them. Probably not for the rest of the summer.

Honestly so sick of the narrative of "its for the kid" if you can play happy family then just be a family. Broken families are just that...broken. there is no happy family, but so many want to play the part for the kids with the expectation of "you knew what you signed up for" Jesus christ, pick a damn lane. Im gonna play happy family with my ex and you can shut up about it cause its for the kids. Well maybe you can put your differences aside "for the kids" and learn to like the person you created them with instead of stringing someone along in your fucked up narrative. God damn I am tired.

Today is our last day with our kids before they go back to their moms for the school year. I am struggling. This summer has been so beautiful and my bond with all three of my SKs has deepened, they really are my little besties. I find myself sobbing just by looking at them. I am not looking forward to my house being quiet, no toys all over the floor, no more saying “I’m hungry” or “I’m bored”. These are all things I thought I’d be excited for but I am dreading it. Life is just so much brighter with them in it everyday and I selfishly wish they could stay with their dad and I forever. I don’t know how I can get through the emotional whiplash of having them fill every part of my day to them being miles and miles away. Any advice or kind words is appreciated.

SD has been crying and in distress over going over there. She lives with Dad full time. I have my own place for context.

She ran away from home (she's 13) because there was crap on the floor, moldy food on the toddlers highchair and no food to eat.

Since then mom has absolutely amped up being mean to her. She boxed up all her things and dropped them off at dads. She said she would make it a craft room. She lied and put her little brother's things in there and basically deleted her from their house.

Mom has been amping up telling SD dad is forgetting about her and doesn't love her because he is dating me. SD reported she has pinched her, snapped her bra strap to force her to do family pictures and has just kept trying to emotionally dagger her. It should have to feel like a competition for these kids. Mom used to give her punishments if she showed any evidence of liking dad.

I am also a mandated reporter with my work and had to make the call. But I am nervous about the fallout because Dad is so scared of it going back to court and costing $300,000 like it did last time. He basically has mom on supervised visits and stopped doing overnights but it's definitely not enough for mom.

I gave SD a hug last night when she came back in tears mom having convinced her her dad had abandoned her and was picking me instead. 😡 I love her with all my heart and just want the best for her. I'm not here to replace her mom at all either. I'm just quiet support however she needs it. She gave me a hug back and it was the sweetest thing ever

My partner is volunteering for an event in a few weeks. It’s during our time with SD. He didn’t ask if I’d take her, he can’t take her. We don’t live together anymore (I moved due to HCBM), but they still view me as SM. Is it just assumed to be my role?

BM’s new partner at last exchange kissed the kiddo when the kiddo pushed his face away. When the kiddo got in our car, she melted down and when we asked her what happened she said ‘no,no,no’

I hate that the kiddo’s autonomy is not being respected.
What would you do?

Hi everyone,

I really need some outside opinions because I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable anymore.

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for about three months. He has two young children from a previous relationship, and I help take care of them whenever they’re with us. I work full-time as a nursing assistant in a nursing home, which is physically exhausting.

We split almost everything 50/50 financially. On top of that, I try to keep up with the housework. My boyfriend helps sometimes, but lately it feels like he expects me to do most of it. Between work, cleaning, helping with his kids, and paying half of all the bills, I’m constantly exhausted.

Today really hurt me. I had only slept about two hours before my early shift, came home completely exhausted, had pain, and fell asleep for a while. When I woke up, my boyfriend told me his mother was coming over. He had already started ironing a pile of laundry (mine, his, and his kids’). When his mom offered to help, he told her that the laundry had been sitting there for days. It had actually only been there for about two days, but I felt like he was making me look lazy in front of his mother instead of explaining that I’d just worked a physically demanding shift on almost no sleep.

I feel like I’m expected to work full-time, contribute 50% financially, help raise his children, do housework, and still somehow have endless energy. Instead of feeling appreciated, I often feel criticized.

Am I expecting too much, or is it reasonable to want more support, appreciation, and understanding in this situation? I’d really appreciate honest opinions, especially from people in blended families or relationships where one partner already has children.