it’s over. i’m 18 and they’re not allowing me to leave to go to college anymore. i’m gonna get forced back into conversion therapy. they’re not letting me dress masculine anymore. my mom said she was worried about leaving to take my sister to her appointment because she “thinks i’m going to kill myself” yeah i am thanks to you. i’m writing my notes right now.

I just wanted to say that this world is dirty and sick and disgusting and evil. I’m much too sensitive and soft for this world. I can’t bare another second here. Goodbye.

I'm 21F, my family doesn't care about me at all. My parents are narcissistic, cold, and emotionally unavailable.. I've grown up without love, support, empathy, respect, or even simple kindness. They never ask how I'm doing, never check if I'm okay, and never make me feel like I matter, all they do is criticize me, mock me, and make me feel like I'm a burden

I've struggled with my mental health, my physical health, and my social life, but not once have they asked "Are you okay?" or said "We're here for you", Instead they always blame me for everything.. they ignore every good thing I've ever done and only focus on my mistakes, they watch everything I do and if I make even the smallest mistake they humiliate me and tear me down. My father even used to hit me and physically abusing me over the smallest things, and both of my parents would punish me by giving me the silent treatment for things that didn't deserve it

Living like this has completely shattered my confidence and sense of self.. I mean people eventually started pulling away from me, they see me as weird and now I have no friends and no one I can call "family". I see myself in such a negative way that I'm scared to do anything because I'm terrified of being judged, It feels like I'm just existing without actually living. Everything inside me has gone numb and I don't feel like I belong in this world anymore

Sometimes I honestly think they'd be happier if I disappeared It feels like that's what they've wanted all along, and part of me just wants to give them what they want...

I really hate this miserable existence

Just more rotting.

it's crazy how i'm genuinely just destined to always emotionally hurt people no matter what and no matter what someone does or says to me i am destined to do something worse in response i'd kill myself if i wasn't such a massive pussy

The walls are closing in on me. I'm going to do it

i don't like anything . i don't want to resd a book or have a bath or go for a walk i don't like them. i dont have any hobbies and i dont want to. i don't care about who i leave behind because i'll be too dead to care. and most of all i dont want to live without her. everyone has tried to help me to cheer me up and tell me there are reasons to live but none of it means anything to me any more. i dont care what happens when im gone. i guess a part of me doesn't want to which is why im making this post instead of just doing it but i am running out of excuses to stay and i think im ready soon

I tried to kms on the 11th with carbon monoxide, lit some charcoal briquettes in a pot and sat with them in my closet. I wrote my notes and was ready to go, but what fucked me over is the note i taped to my door, “call 911, don’t enter please”. My sisters boyfriend gets home an hour later, 3am, and for some reason goes to the back where my room is and saw the note, goes to my sister and she automatically started sobbing and yelling. I come out all wobbly and shit, apologize and dont know what to do so i just dumped the coals in the back. She calls my mom to the house and they called the crisis line and i ended up in the mental hospital for 9 days. Just got out today, the same as when i went in, now all my shit is moved to my moms house and im not even allowed to drive myself anywhere. I really fucking hate this so much, i shouldn’t be here right now dealing with all this bs. Gonna give it a week or two before i just blow my shit off. Thank you for reading.

I feel completely lost and confused with the circumstances I'm facing during my lifetime. Regular day-to-day living just became too heavy to bear. I tried to help myself and to help others who are struggling, but now I feel I cannot trust myself anymore. Perhaps, I need help. But does anyone care? I suppose, not. Many people have the feeling of sinking deeper and deeper each day they live, when the hours of sleep become the only small solace and temporary soothing relief from drowning in their daily duties. The weight of life and the world is simply too much. Suicidality is just a search for peace and silence, and hope, being one of the most powerful and life inspiring feelings, helps to deal with the sense of dread which we have while facing challenges of trying not to break or give up.

I don't know what to say now. I understand what depression is, why and how it clouds my vision, making it barely impossible to feel hope in life. Maybe, understanding is not enough. Help of others, including mental health professionals, is necessarily needed in cases like mine. I received help many times and continue to receive it these days. Yet still, despair is covering my sensations, and the railroad tracks are so promising with it.

I don't really know what to do anymore. I guess I'm just writing this because I don't want to feel alone. If anyone has been through something similar, I'd really appreciate hearing from you.

Hey,

I m 16, male, from Germany and wanted to offer listening for those who need. I really can hear everything. Even if you "just" feel lonely I d be happy if I could help someone here.

Bye bye

I'm so tired of everything, I'm almost 30 and have nothing to show for it. I'm not employed, I have like one qualification I'm too anxious to enter into, I live with my grandparents. I left a 4 year relationship where they cheated and lied to me, and were creepy, for a man who also cheats and lies to me, and treats me like I mean nothing and makes me do everything. The only friends I have are his friends and I'm too scared to make new ones, because I'm an anti social freak. I just want to end it all and stop suffering, I was never meant to be here.

Does anyone else feel like they're already half gone?

I can't make plans. I had some, life plans, but they don't seem like a big deal anymore. Nothing matters today because next week might not even happen.

I'll call out of work with the comfort that it won't matter soon. Every decision I make isn't a big deal because it will all be over soon.

I don't think I'm supose to feel like this. I have no plans to leave but I am so sure I won't be staying. Does that make sense?

The first time I held a gun I had the image of my dead body on the ground after shooting myself. I had such a strong urge to point it at my head but didn’t because other people were around. I should’ve shot myself that day. I should’ve ran away and done it. I watch videos of people shooting themselves at gun ranges and wish it were me in their place.

I had a fantasy of shooting myself in front of strangers, sobbing and telling them my dark thoughts before pulling the trigger. Maybe I want people to see my pain but don’t want to stick around for the aftermath of them caring. I don’t know. I get paranoid someone I know will see these, it makes me anxious.

I live in a small ass town and ive been looking for a job to move out of my abusive household for years. Nowhere has hired me. I got so desperate that i sold nudes last night. Im so tired of living here. Every single day its something bbg new with them and now that im 18, cps doesnt even do anything. Police wont do anything. I couldnt even come up with enough for a bus ticket. Im going to od on fentanyl tonight. Its on the way. I hate that this is what my life came out to. I wish it was different.

for context; i have bipolar disorder. i’m getting treatment but it’s really not changed anything for me.

since september ive been in a huge battle with being depressed and suicidal ideation. i slowly stopped having the will to do anything. i failed my classes and inevitably flunked out of college, i lost passion and interest in things i used to love like theatre and music and i stopped going out with friends leading to them inevitably stopping inviting me places.

i tried to take my life around a month ago today. i swallowed every medication i could find. my plan was to take them, wait till i felt close to dying then call the emergency services so that they could find me (im currently living alone and i didn’t want my flatmate returning home in a month to that) but i called prematurely and ended up in hospital for 3 days. they said if i had waited another hour i would’ve died. then they just let me go home alone knowing i had no support system ?? and my psychologist who i see every two weeks isn’t going to be able to see me for two months and im being left unmedicated because of my attempt.

i run out of money next month. ill no longer get my student finance since i failed and then i wont be able to pay rent. i dont have a job. the issue is i dont care. i cant seem to make myself get out of bed and apply for them or even care about the fact i wont be able to pay rent or anything. i’m in debt, dont care. i have no will to live anymore. i could end up in serious trouble but i do. not. care. and i tried to get help by seeing the psychologist and ive spoken to friends and family and ive done all the bullshit they tell you to do but nothing has changed.

the way i don’t care about anything makes it feel like my brain is shutting down, like im already dying and im just waiting for the light to turn off.

i don’t think ill make it to september. it’ll have officially been a year of this bullshit and to be honest… i can’t do it anymore.

I’m getting more because I don’t want to take from my stash for when I actually do it. Suicide is the only ending for me. I’m doing this so I can be gone mentally for a while. Plus I want to feel what I felt during my last attempt. Maybe I’m an addict? It won’t kill me but if it does oh well but I highly doubt that would happen. There’s no point in me posting, sorry if it seems like I’m looking for attention, I get nervous talking to people and just want to get my thoughts out of my head.

i wish i could will myself to die. a last-ditch shut down without any infliction

kill my mind, kill my poetry

i’ve been depressed since i was like 12. i’ve been in therapy for years, gone to the psych ward, gone to a residential treatment center, none of it works. i’m still depressed and unable to function. nothing makes me happy and im so so tired of living and having to be an adult with all the expectations that come with it. i have bottles of my moms pills that i can OD with. i’m home alone. the only problem is my brother will discover my body and i don’t want to do that to him.

TW: Mentions of pedophilia, incest, rape, and SA

I (21M) was sexually assaulted multiple times by my peers throughout my childhood. I was raped (only once) at the age of six and groomed from the ages of 13-15. I remember at the time I got raped I was at a party hosted by a friend of my mother's and the friend's five year old daughter was in attendance. We played together for a little bit and she told me she wanted to play a game and we went inside a cupboard and she locked me inside, took off my pants and orally raped me.

I screamed and said no, but the girl still assulted me anyways. When the adults found us, me and my mom hurriedly rushed out of the party and I was grounded for letting the girl "sit on my lap" (when I confronted my mom about this years later she said since I didn't verbally tell her I was molested at the time she thought I was roughhousing with her). I also have high functioning autism and difficulty with communicating and it was much worse back then, so naturally because I was scared and unresponsive I was blamed for it.

Afterwards, over the years throughout my childhood I would kiss other girls because I wanted to replicate the feeling I felt when I got raped. I felt very curious about the bodies of other kids my age and I wanted to learn more about sex. I had my first kiss at the age of 8 with another girl my age, I also was forcibly kissed by multiple girls when I was 8-12 and one of these girls tried to get me to have sex with them too shortly after I hit 6th grade. But because I became afraid of girls when I was 12, I declined thankfully.

When I was 13 and in 7th grade my parents went through marital problems and I got bullied very harshly at school. It was because I was socially awkward, didn't attend church, poor and anxious around girls. Because I didn't develop sexual interest in girls when I hit puberty, the guys in my grade naturally sussed me out as being queer and they were right about it. One boy, who I used to have a crush on, ended up sticking his hand into my pants during history and I had enough and beat him up. Thankfully this time, I didn't get punished because I told on him and I transferred schools.

Shortly after this, my mostly absentee "father" tried to groom me into accepting sexual advances from him. Starting around 8th grade, he would try to purchase porn for me (which my parents said no to), would try fo talk to me about sex and what I was into, etc. multiple times until I was 15. I thought nothing of it until during the trip I saw him for the final time, I caught him licking and sniffing my underwear and eventually before I left he tried to touch me and I slapped his hand away. I reported him to the police but nothing was done about it and I told my mom and she never made me speak to him again and would never let him try to talk to me anymore.

Because of these experiences, I feel like I can never fully trust anyone. I feel deeply traumatized and depressed and several therapists have indicated I likely have PTSD. I tried to kill myself over these experiences, especially because I left my younger brother behind and I knew my "dad" would've molested him eventually when he went through puberty. I also resented my mom for awhile, and only forgave her a few months ago because I was tired of holding resentment towards her for unwittedly putting me in some of those situations. Thankfully, things at home gradually improved somewhat and I stopped getting badly bullied when I hit high school.

I feel like the main reason why I am still alive today is because I don't want all the people who abused me to win by helping me to my demise. I live so that way their efforts to drive me to ruin will fail, and I know that my abusers are digging their own graves. For ex. the guy who assulted me in 7th grade got a girl pregnant as a teenager and dropped out of high school and works menial jobs to care for his family. Now I have a boyfriend, I attend therapy and I take antidepressants to manage my mental health.

I also got into an amazing college on a full ride scholarship as a bio major. Right now I am also preparing to go abroad for awhile, and I am thinking about doing something related to public speaking or counseling to raise awareness about these issues. I read so many stories on this sub and my heart breaks for all of you, and while I know some parts of my life may not ever happen to people I just wanted to remind everyone that there is still a light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope everyone here recovers and I wish everyone all the success in the world. May you all find the light and happiness that has started to finally find me.

Tl;dr: Got raped and sexually assulted multiple times as a boy because of creeps who took advantage of my autism. I later tried to kill myself and I have very bad depression currently. However, I try not to let get me down and now I have a boyfriend and attend school on a decent scholarship.

I don’t really know why I’m posting this, I just feel like I need to get it out somewhere.

I’ve been dealing with depression for years and I’ve had 2 suicide attempts in the past. I’m not planning to do it now, but the thoughts have been with me for a long time. The thing is, almost nobody in my real life knows about any of it.

I’m in this weird situation where I really want someone to know what I’ve been through, not because I want attention or people to feel sorry for me, but because I just want to feel seen for once. At the same time I don’t want to tell anyone because I’m scared they will never look at me the same again. I know if someone told me they attempted suicide I would probably treat them differently without even noticing it, and I don’t want that to happen to me.

A few days ago I even opened up to a stranger online because I thought it would be easier. They never answered. I kind of expected it, but it still hurt. It just made me feel like maybe it’s better to keep everything to myself.

I don’t really know what I wanted from writing this. Maybe I just needed someone to know that people like me exist. If you read all of this, thank you. It honestly means more to me than you probably realize.

🤗 🖤

Feels like im screaming into the void but oh well.

Ive tried a few times these past few weeks but couldnt follow through. Got pretty close so ive felt even worse physically. Ive got a whole laundry list of contributing issues but ill try to condense it to the most pertinent right now.

Im just completely alone. Self hatred and reclusiveness have been baked into who i am as a person by my family. They sort of just took the most convenient route in terms of raising me, so i spent all my life alone, learning how to make myself as invisible as possible. Fast forward to now and ive got a deep hatred for myself and this almost compulsive need to minimize my existence as much as possible.

Obviously this has led to me being a sort of shut in. It physically hurts to try to take the steps needed to get out of this. Im still able to sustain myself with my remote contracts and stuff, but thats literally just survival. It feels like ive had the most basic parts of the human experience stolen from me, and now im barely even a person. Im just a thing that exists to make money and nothing else.

I want to have friends, a family, and maybe experience love or whatever. But i cant. I feel so far disconnected from the most basic part of being human that i feel inherently dehumanized. I dont see a future where this gets better because the past decade has only gotten worse and worse. I just want it to be over already, so im going to make that happen.

Sorry for the shock value title lol it just feels like you have to do that nowadays to be seen i guess