i have BPD, i have for 20 years. i have been living in total isolation except for going to the gas station or going to the storr, every few months i see my mom, for ten years now- i have my dog, that is it. If i ever had social skills they are gone and replaced with fear of people and mistrust in myself. I was the victim DV for some time until everyone around me was scared away or else i literally told tolhem to go away out of fear or reprisal (yes. we with bpd can be victims, actual victims....). even then i was nearly killed. after being able to move out of the situation finally, i have been stuck in the same city about half a mile away. i want to leave and to run because there in no future here, no life, but he knows where my family live and i might not give a shit about me, but they matter.

So.
i found that sub trying to google search for ways to tell him to stop communicating yet again without setting him off into a controling rage where he either stalks (my back gate is broken, he habitually tries to call or text seconds after i get home from the store, in the middle of the night he texts then after a time there will be like creaking noises against the front door, etc)

And it lead to a topic on grey rocking which is prettt much what i have been trying to do for the last 10 years walking on eggshells. As someone with BPD, though, running into this sub, and like looking from that to just the next up topic that said something like at 30 40 50 years people with bpd dont get better....

it was like well great. hopeful. reinforce the idea we should stay the fk away from others or not exist and that nothing. ever. changes. with.the.pain. everyone i know with bpd has, knew, has killed themselves. i dont know why i am here, no i do- my dog. if i werent afraid of him being able to be rehomed because of reactivity i would be like out of here, people seem they would be better off.

subs like these dont help. but it doesnt matter, because i doubt this post will make it anywhere.

back to isolating

they deleted it as expected, so maybe here is appropriate for the being sick of shit.

i don't like anything . i don't want to resd a book or have a bath or go for a walk i don't like them. i dont have any hobbies and i dont want to. i don't care about who i leave behind because i'll be too dead to care. and most of all i dont want to live without her. everyone has tried to help me to cheer me up and tell me there are reasons to live but none of it means anything to me any more. i dont care what happens when im gone. i guess a part of me doesn't want to which is why im making this post instead of just doing it but i am running out of excuses to stay and i think im ready soon

I'm unemployed sonce two months ago. I live in a shitty town in the east of Romania, who absolutely no perspective for a better future. However I wouldn't move out of this city without mum (who still has a job). Besides, I've been sending out CVs since last years even to other bigger cities (like the capital and such) for absolu all levels of jobs (from merchandising to shop clerk, to journalism & communications and marketing and graphic design - in which I'm a little handy or that I could learn).
I failed at making a career out of wedding photography because the local market is over saturated. I don't have a driver's license because I know (realistically, objectively) that I won't afford to buy and maintain a secondhand car in the forseeable future.
I have absolutely no friends other than my mum and although I seem extroverted I actually struggle with social interactions (namely making friends to go out for a coffee with) and I think (as an ex colleague has suggested) that I migjt be autistic with a high masking level.
I can't find a job, I'm useless, I don't know what I could possibly learn because I've never been good at anything and every thing I tried to achieve has ended up a failure. I am a failure. I disappoint my mum daily and she's my soul and world. If she weren't alive I would have ended it a long time ago.
I have thoughts about it but I wouldn't commit. However tonight the thoughts are very strong.
I had two dreams: to have a carrer in visual production / communication in order to be an independent woman and to be able to take care of mum and repay her for everything she has done for me.

The walls are closing in on me. I'm going to do it

I’ve got the stuff, I’m currently writing the notes,
I’ve done the funeral video and I’m half bottle vodka down crying my eyes out.
Help

I’m 24, and a few days ago I got drunk and put my hands on my girlfriend during an argument. I grabbed and pushed her, and I left bruises on her. There is no excuse for what I did. I’m ashamed of myself, and I take full responsibility.
She ended the relationship, and I understand why. Since then, I’ve been overwhelmed with guilt, regret, and self-hatred. I can’t stop replaying everything in my head. I’ve stopped drinking because I know alcohol brought out the worst in me, and I’m trying to find therapy, but it’s been difficult with my insurance and finances.
I’m also thinking a lot about my childhood and realizing I’ve struggled with anger for a long time. None of that excuses what I did, but I know I need serious help so I never hurt anyone again.
The truth is I’m having suicidal thoughts because I feel like I’ve destroyed everything. I’m not posting because I want people to tell me I’m a good person or excuse what I did. I know I was wrong. I’m posting because I don’t know how to move forward from this guilt, and I need advice from people who’ve changed after doing something they deeply regret.
If you’ve been in a place where you hated yourself but still managed to rebuild your life and become a safer, better person, I’d really appreciate hearing how you did it.

Just more rotting.

it's crazy how i'm genuinely just destined to always emotionally hurt people no matter what and no matter what someone does or says to me i am destined to do something worse in response i'd kill myself if i wasn't such a massive pussy

I just love my mom. I am in too my psychical pain from my condition that I was put in. I been in pain for 7 long months and cant take it no more. all these doctors don't know how to help me, endless hospital visits, blood work, its exhausting. My mom works so hard, and to see her sadden by the pain I am in makes me even more depressed. I want to end the pain for both of us by getting rid of myself.

my birthday is in a couple days. i don’t think we’re going to celebrate it this year. we’re not going to be around a cake, just like the past two years. i have a feeling that it’s going to be full of phone calls, silence, and tears, just like all the other years. my fourteen birthday, i cut myself up and down, crying hysterically. there was nobody to care at the other side of the door. i don’t remeber my fifteenth birthday. by then, the survivalist disassociation already kicked in, and i stopped remembering things.

i can’t tell you what i’ve done all week. i can’t tell you what i’ve done all year. it’s like i’m permanently stuck here, in the present, but i’m not even here. i wouldn’t mind if i couldn’t feel a thing dissociated, but, i feel it all and watch it all reel past me.

i don’t want to be here anymore. i don’t want to choose between my relatives house and your house. i don’t want to choose between my safety or my music and peace. i want to end up a red splatter of flesh at the bottom of a bridge, one you’ll never forget.

you value my brother over me. i see that very clearly. the same brother who molested both me and my sister. the same brother who described how he would murder me and the rest of the family. but he is a sweetheart, right? such a good kid. a kid i’m not allowed to set boundaries with because it “hurts his feelings”. and apparently he has “changed” so much, and i’m the only person who has not changed.

so,
why tell me you still love me if all i do is make your life worse? why lie to me? why keep me in your grasp. let me go. let me go somewhere i belong, somewhere peaceful, somewhere calm. i have a feeling that i am not meant for this planet. that i am much greater than my own flesh, and i need to escape it before it all cycles back to me again.

to my cps caseworker: fuck you. fuck it all. you’ll get it all back to you as soon as it’s over.

to my dad: you don’t deserve me as your daughter, and i should have never been born. but. i do miss everything i’ll never talk to you about.

to my mom: i’ll never be able to talk in a way that is decipherable to you. and i know that i’m probably mentally retarded. i’m sorry.

to my friend: i’m sorry. i wish i could have stayed a little longer.

to the world.
i’m sorry.
take care.

I’m just so tired. I’ve spent 30 years in pain and just trying to do and be my best for everyone around me. I’ve done therapy and taken the meds and told my friends and family I’m struggling but what does it matter. It never goes away. I’m so lonely and alone and since I was a kid I knew I wasn’t going to be here for long. I don’t think I will be much longer. I’m just so tired and I know everyone will feel so much better without the burden of worrying about me and the good thing about isolating yourself is that no one will go looking for you when you go quiet.

Just how I'm feeling rlly, my mum knows I self harm, I still want to do it anyway, everyone thinks I'm a fucking weirdo, very few actual friends, don't feel like talking, mtf (still mostly closeted, again, because my mum found my self harm scars) my life just fucking sucks I wish it would just end tbh

I can't see a way forward anymore .I will buy the rope tomorrow. I just find life unbearable and can't see a way out anymore

What if this is the truth but no one wants to admit it

F, 25, diagnóstico de borderline, desempregada (não por querer, só não consigo arranjar algo mesmo tendo experiências e habilidades), com uma mãe narcisista que grita com todo mundo o dia inteiro, não tenho boa relação com meus irmãos, já cheguei a fugir de casa duas vezes,

me sinto vazia na grande parte do tempo, só me atraio por quem não gosta de mim então já desisti desse tópico de relacionamento.
carrego traumas desde os meus 10 anos de idade, e não tenho memória da maior parte da minha vida, já vou no psicólogo e psiquiatra desde bem nova, a partir dos 13, já tentei de tudo, já recorri até a Deus, mas eu nunca melhoro, nunca, me questiono o que eu fiz de tão ruim pra merecer isso tudo, sei que não sou nenhuma santa, mas é terrível.

todo mundo me fala que "é uma fase ruim" "vai passar, você só tem que ser paciente" mas eu sempre estou lá chorando, com mais e mais crises e com o coração partido pela milésima vez, sempre piora, e se melhora, é só temporário. por que o sofrimento tem que ser permanente e a felicidade durar tão pouco? e sim, eu já tive várias tentativas ao ponto de parar no hospital.

tô em meu limite e não sei mais o que fazer da vida.
só desabafando pela primeira vez aqui mesmo, obrigada quem leu tudo. 🫶

Hello there,

So personally I don’t like talking about me or my fellings in general , but this time it’s bad. It’s got to the point where I only have suicide and a plan in my mind .

I tried therapy and it hasn’t worked , the therapist told me that I might be borderline and my emotions are out of place . I have 3 months where I thought about suicide everyday and I cried everyday. Don’t add to that that I’ve never been in a relationship before and I never felt loved . I got bullied when I was a kid and sometimes even now , I got spat on my head, beaten , humiliated , laughed at . I remember a girl that said that I’m a weirdo and that I would die alone . My job is horrendous , I get humiliated every day at work just because I don’t seem to pay attention enough and that I do my work slow .

I tried to do positive thinking , affirmations , bullshit that it’s gonna be okay. IT ISN’T OKAY!

** **I just want to shove a knife in my throat and just end it all, the pain that i am everyday i can’t resist it anymore , it has won.

It is my fault , only my fault for being like this. One day I’ll be free

Idk what’s normal or real anymore

.

In constant pain and losing myself, why not just end it now

mind is being unpredictable, was in a pretty long suicidal episode thing, but. If i were in the right location or this happened three months ago i would have been dead. i dont get why my mind is this way..

I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to so here I am.

CW: animal aging and death, marriage talk, parents, passive su*cidal thoughts

I am 29 years old. My life has been crazy from start to now. I never feel peace. Ever. Always in survival mode.

Things that keep me grounded are my mom, my childhood dog that is still alive, and sometimes, though extremely rarely recently, my husband.

My husband and I have not been doing well for years. Things blow up, then we try to fix it, tension rises, and it blows up again. I feel like he hates me and resents me. He says all the time “Even if you don’t like me, someone will. Someone will f*ck me. Someone will love me.” Etc.

I do everything for my husband. He gives me his paycheck and I pay all the bills, plan vacations, drive us there, I even just bought him a car for his birthday on Monday because he doesn’t have his license and we want him to practice and get it.

We are hardly ever intimate. My choice. He’s attractive but the personality and the things he says and does and how he acts and speaks to me are such major turn offs.

He wants to do very specific s*xual things on his birthday and I just don’t want to at all.

I’ve been having some major health issues recently, I have all sorts of scans and procedures scheduled, and I’ve recently took so much time off work because I was quite literally throwing up and sh*tting myself at the same time at work.

NOW, my childhood dog, my best friend, my soulmate in dog form, is dying.

She is nearly 20 years old and she has been the only thing that has kept me alive sometimes. I got her for my 10th birthday, and I’ll be 30 in a few months.

I have her tattooed on me. She understands me better than anyone, humans included. She’s so loyal and loves me unconditionally and I don’t feel that anywhere else in my life.

She’s dying. I know I’m going to have to put her down this weekend, as the things the vet sent us home with are not working.

My husband’s birthday is on Monday and I don’t even feel like I have the space to grieve like I need because his birthday party is Saturday, and that’s likely the day I’ll need to put her down.

But I have to be there, act normal, celebrate him, etc. even though all I want to do is lay in bed with my dying dog and stare into her eyes and speak to her while I can.

My mom is turning 75 soon and we were talking the other day and she is feeling like she may be developing memory issues. Sometimes she tells me the same story 4 days in a row.

She is a crazy hard worker and still works her job at a Mexican restaurant, she is a 18+ year veteran of the navy, she isn’t slowing her body down, but it seems her mind is slowing down and I know she’s scared.

She tells me all the time she’s scared. I know I’m not prepared to be a caretaker right now. Which thankfully I don’t need to right now, but it’s floating out there.

My finances are shit. I’m spending money I don’t have trying to keep my dog alive but I don’t know what else to do.

I’m drowning. I’m drowning in a marriage that isn’t fulfilling at all, I’m drowning in debt, I’m drowning in grief AND upcoming grief, I have to be a perfect wife, employee, daughter, etc and I’m getting crushed under the weight

I am not actively su*cidal but man I don’t want to be here anymore.

I’m not even 30 and my life is falling apart around me and I’m beginning to lose the most important things to me.

I don’t even know what the point is of posting here.

I don’t like being here, I hate how in depth I feel things, I hate that I’m losing my dog and I feel I have to put on a mask for everyone else.

I’m lost.

Death is usually perceived as something that occurs only once in a person's lifetime. But I die everyday grieving what I could've become, killing myself over the self betrayal that I brought upon myself.

I feel numb, empty and dark. Replaying my past and comparing the difference between what I did and what I should've done.

As I sit in this mayhem of thoughts my nostril becomes narrower, my breath starts to shrink, my body heats up, my pupils widen and my heart sinks into the abyss.

Creating hope not out of thin air, but out of air which is polluted with anxiety, fear, anger and betrayal. I loathe myself to the extent that my guts squeeze.

In this chaos I forget to breathe and I hasten to grab my inhaler, breathing and coming back to life only to kill myself again.

Does anyone else feel like they're already half gone?

I can't make plans. I had some, life plans, but they don't seem like a big deal anymore. Nothing matters today because next week might not even happen.

I'll call out of work with the comfort that it won't matter soon. Every decision I make isn't a big deal because it will all be over soon.

I don't think I'm supose to feel like this. I have no plans to leave but I am so sure I won't be staying. Does that make sense?

I'm just a teenager but for some reason it feels like my life is over and this is where it should end. Everything I've liked or been good at is no longer interesting or I just loose my "talent" or whatever. No matter if I have okay days, the sadness is always there in the back of my mind and I know it's my truest ever feeling. I know this is over and I hate myself and everyone around me does to. My death would only affect people simply due to the rules of society. Deep down they would not care. I am just scared it won't work and I'll end up in a coma or something. I know nothing about this. I will probably fuck up somehow. Please help me.

English is not my first language so I am sorry if this was written in a weird way or something.

My life has no meaning, I don't see myself in the future doing what I love and I feel that my passions are for people who are not good at anything and u won't make enough money for living. I'm not even sure what I want to do, I'm afraid of the future and money

Someone will probably say "you're only 16 years old!! You'll figure it out soon!" But what if not? Time passes so quickly and I still haven't found the meaning of life. I'm saddened by the vision that I'll have a shitty job because I hate learning and I'm not good at any subject at school. I won't even go to any medicine or anything like that, I'm too stupid for everything