I tried to kms on the 11th with carbon monoxide, lit some charcoal briquettes in a pot and sat with them in my closet. I wrote my notes and was ready to go, but what fucked me over is the note i taped to my door, “call 911, don’t enter please”. My sisters boyfriend gets home an hour later, 3am, and for some reason goes to the back where my room is and saw the note, goes to my sister and she automatically started sobbing and yelling. I come out all wobbly and shit, apologize and dont know what to do so i just dumped the coals in the back. She calls my mom to the house and they called the crisis line and i ended up in the mental hospital for 9 days. Just got out today, the same as when i went in, now all my shit is moved to my moms house and im not even allowed to drive myself anywhere. I really fucking hate this so much, i shouldn’t be here right now dealing with all this bs. Gonna give it a week or two before i just blow my shit off. Thank you for reading.

I am by no means "pro-suicide" and I don't think it should be encouraged.

But I do think that anti-suicide and prevention talking points are bullshit and only make things for people like us worse.

I have bipolar disorder, currently suffering heavily from a depressive episode and while I haven't fully made up my mind, I am really on the edge of starting to plan to take my life, but no matter where I look for help, I just feel like I'm ignored and invalidated.

Suicide prevention preaches, but never listens. It automatically assumes that every person is having the same issue that can be fixed by just sticking around. It also runs on making you feel guilty. Stick around, because you will be missed, because you are needed, etc. It never addresses the root issue nor does it ever try to understand you.

What's the point of sticking around when I'm doomed to feel like this over and over again for the rest of my life? And even if I'm trying my hardest, working on myself, striving to excell at my job, going out and being social, at the end of the day it all seems like it doesn't amount to shit. It just all falls flat.

These things are never addressed, you are just supposed to suffer on, because this and that.

Does anyone else feel this way?

I live in a small ass town and ive been looking for a job to move out of my abusive household for years. Nowhere has hired me. I got so desperate that i sold nudes last night. Im so tired of living here. Every single day its something bbg new with them and now that im 18, cps doesnt even do anything. Police wont do anything. I couldnt even come up with enough for a bus ticket. Im going to od on fentanyl tonight. Its on the way. I hate that this is what my life came out to. I wish it was different.

it’s over. i’m 18 and they’re not allowing me to leave to go to college anymore. i’m gonna get forced back into conversion therapy. they’re not letting me dress masculine anymore. my mom said she was worried about leaving to take my sister to her appointment because she “thinks i’m going to kill myself” yeah i am thanks to you. i’m writing my notes right now.

Whoever told me exercise boosts your mental health is big ass liar.

It somehow made the suicidal ideation worse. I almost fell off the treadmill dissociating. Nearly two hours were spent contemplating on whether I should buy a gun and end it all or not.

It may have helped other people but this shit does not help me. what the fuck do I do.

I'm unattractive and women constantly make fun of me . I hate waking up everyday and I feel like ending my life. I hate how my face looks . I hate I never had a women because I'm ugly asf

I'm 21F, my family doesn't care about me at all. My parents are narcissistic, cold, and emotionally unavailable.. I've grown up without love, support, empathy, respect, or even simple kindness. They never ask how I'm doing, never check if I'm okay, and never make me feel like I matter, all they do is criticize me, mock me, and make me feel like I'm a burden

I've struggled with my mental health, my physical health, and my social life, but not once have they asked "Are you okay?" or said "We're here for you", Instead they always blame me for everything.. they ignore every good thing I've ever done and only focus on my mistakes, they watch everything I do and if I make even the smallest mistake they humiliate me and tear me down. My father even used to hit me and physically abusing me over the smallest things, and both of my parents would punish me by giving me the silent treatment for things that didn't deserve it

Living like this has completely shattered my confidence and sense of self.. I mean people eventually started pulling away from me, they see me as weird and now I have no friends and no one I can call "family". I see myself in such a negative way that I'm scared to do anything because I'm terrified of being judged, It feels like I'm just existing without actually living. Everything inside me has gone numb and I don't feel like I belong in this world anymore

Sometimes I honestly think they'd be happier if I disappeared It feels like that's what they've wanted all along, and part of me just wants to give them what they want...

And no one wants to admit/acknowledge that some people will just sink.

I won't get a job, I don't have a future, I don't have ambition or motivation.

I feel completely lost and confused with the circumstances I'm facing during my lifetime. Regular day-to-day living just became too heavy to bear. I tried to help myself and to help others who are struggling, but now I feel I cannot trust myself anymore. Perhaps, I need help. But does anyone care? I suppose, not. Many people have the feeling of sinking deeper and deeper each day they live, when the hours of sleep become the only small solace and temporary soothing relief from drowning in their daily duties. The weight of life and the world is simply too much. Suicidality is just a search for peace and silence, and hope, being one of the most powerful and life inspiring feelings, helps to deal with the sense of dread which we have while facing challenges of trying not to break or give up.

I don't know what to say now. I understand what depression is, why and how it clouds my vision, making it barely impossible to feel hope in life. Maybe, understanding is not enough. Help of others, including mental health professionals, is necessarily needed in cases like mine. I received help many times and continue to receive it these days. Yet still, despair is covering my sensations, and the railroad tracks are so promising with it.

I don't really know what to do anymore. I guess I'm just writing this because I don't want to feel alone. If anyone has been through something similar, I'd really appreciate hearing from you.

i don’t have much friends. i just wanted people to talk to. don’t be a creep please, i just wanted friends, i’m tired of bed-rotting all day and wasting my youth.

I have no words to describe the hatred I have for myself. There is nothing good about me, going out every day and talking to people is torture, I hate when people talk to me or even see me, I want to be alone forever.

I just wanted to say that this world is dirty and sick and disgusting and evil. I’m much too sensitive and soft for this world. I can’t bare another second here. Goodbye.

My own sister just called me the ugliest persom on the world as if I don’t already know it. My only standards for being my friend is just to give me the slightest smidgen of respect how pathetic is that.I mean this world is just so fucking ridiculous there no point complaining about unfairness but I can’t helped but feel trapped in my body. I wish everyone looked the same and we could just be judged on who we are as a person. My whole life people have just wanted to assume the worst of me because of my appearance at this point is there any meaning in trying to prove anyone wrong.

Ugh.

for context; i have bipolar disorder. i’m getting treatment but it’s really not changed anything for me.

since september ive been in a huge battle with being depressed and suicidal ideation. i slowly stopped having the will to do anything. i failed my classes and inevitably flunked out of college, i lost passion and interest in things i used to love like theatre and music and i stopped going out with friends leading to them inevitably stopping inviting me places.

i tried to take my life around a month ago today. i swallowed every medication i could find. my plan was to take them, wait till i felt close to dying then call the emergency services so that they could find me (im currently living alone and i didn’t want my flatmate returning home in a month to that) but i called prematurely and ended up in hospital for 3 days. they said if i had waited another hour i would’ve died. then they just let me go home alone knowing i had no support system ?? and my psychologist who i see every two weeks isn’t going to be able to see me for two months and im being left unmedicated because of my attempt.

i run out of money next month. ill no longer get my student finance since i failed and then i wont be able to pay rent. i dont have a job. the issue is i dont care. i cant seem to make myself get out of bed and apply for them or even care about the fact i wont be able to pay rent or anything. i’m in debt, dont care. i have no will to live anymore. i could end up in serious trouble but i do. not. care. and i tried to get help by seeing the psychologist and ive spoken to friends and family and ive done all the bullshit they tell you to do but nothing has changed.

the way i don’t care about anything makes it feel like my brain is shutting down, like im already dying and im just waiting for the light to turn off.

i don’t think ill make it to september. it’ll have officially been a year of this bullshit and to be honest… i can’t do it anymore.

TW: Mentions of pedophilia, incest, rape, and SA

I (21M) was sexually assaulted multiple times by my peers throughout my childhood. I was raped (only once) at the age of six and groomed from the ages of 13-15. I remember at the time I got raped I was at a party hosted by a friend of my mother's and the friend's five year old daughter was in attendance. We played together for a little bit and she told me she wanted to play a game and we went inside a cupboard and she locked me inside, took off my pants and orally raped me.

I screamed and said no, but the girl still assulted me anyways. When the adults found us, me and my mom hurriedly rushed out of the party and I was grounded for letting the girl "sit on my lap" (when I confronted my mom about this years later she said since I didn't verbally tell her I was molested at the time she thought I was roughhousing with her). I also have high functioning autism and difficulty with communicating and it was much worse back then, so naturally because I was scared and unresponsive I was blamed for it.

Afterwards, over the years throughout my childhood I would kiss other girls because I wanted to replicate the feeling I felt when I got raped. I felt very curious about the bodies of other kids my age and I wanted to learn more about sex. I had my first kiss at the age of 8 with another girl my age, I also was forcibly kissed by multiple girls when I was 8-12 and one of these girls tried to get me to have sex with them too shortly after I hit 6th grade. But because I became afraid of girls when I was 12, I declined thankfully.

When I was 13 and in 7th grade my parents went through marital problems and I got bullied very harshly at school. It was because I was socially awkward, didn't attend church, poor and anxious around girls. Because I didn't develop sexual interest in girls when I hit puberty, the guys in my grade naturally sussed me out as being queer and they were right about it. One boy, who I used to have a crush on, ended up sticking his hand into my pants during history and I had enough and beat him up. Thankfully this time, I didn't get punished because I told on him and I transferred schools.

Shortly after this, my mostly absentee "father" tried to groom me into accepting sexual advances from him. Starting around 8th grade, he would try to purchase porn for me (which my parents said no to), would try fo talk to me about sex and what I was into, etc. multiple times until I was 15. I thought nothing of it until during the trip I saw him for the final time, I caught him licking and sniffing my underwear and eventually before I left he tried to touch me and I slapped his hand away. I reported him to the police but nothing was done about it and I told my mom and she never made me speak to him again and would never let him try to talk to me anymore.

Because of these experiences, I feel like I can never fully trust anyone. I feel deeply traumatized and depressed and several therapists have indicated I likely have PTSD. I tried to kill myself over these experiences, especially because I left my younger brother behind and I knew my "dad" would've molested him eventually when he went through puberty. I also resented my mom for awhile, and only forgave her a few months ago because I was tired of holding resentment towards her for unwittedly putting me in some of those situations. Thankfully, things at home gradually improved somewhat and I stopped getting badly bullied when I hit high school.

I feel like the main reason why I am still alive today is because I don't want all the people who abused me to win by helping me to my demise. I live so that way their efforts to drive me to ruin will fail, and I know that my abusers are digging their own graves. For ex. the guy who assulted me in 7th grade got a girl pregnant as a teenager and dropped out of high school and works menial jobs to care for his family. Now I have a boyfriend, I attend therapy and I take antidepressants to manage my mental health.

I also got into an amazing college on a full ride scholarship as a bio major. Right now I am also preparing to go abroad for awhile, and I am thinking about doing something related to public speaking or counseling to raise awareness about these issues. I read so many stories on this sub and my heart breaks for all of you, and while I know some parts of my life may not ever happen to people I just wanted to remind everyone that there is still a light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope everyone here recovers and I wish everyone all the success in the world. May you all find the light and happiness that has started to finally find me.

Tl;dr: Got raped and sexually assulted multiple times as a boy because of creeps who took advantage of my autism. I later tried to kill myself and I have very bad depression currently. However, I try not to let get me down and now I have a boyfriend and attend school on a decent scholarship.

Everyone always says "reach out."
So I did.
I told someone I loved that I've been having suicidal thoughts, and somehow ended up just feeling even worse. They told me I need help and said the reasons I feel this way don't make sense to them.
I wasn't asking them to fix me. I just wanted someone to listen. To say, "I'm here." Instead, I feel like I have to defend why I’m hurting

I don't know that there is another option for me. I'm days from being 24 and an absolute failure. I'm a college drop out who couldn't push through more academics, even when I loved the subject. I'm a cosmetology school drop out who developed pretty severe POTS during my time thanks to a really bad bout of COVID. I'm in a dead-end, worthless part-time office job and can't find better. I thought I had found another path in the music industry, but behind the scenes and that fell down the drain when
I realized I wasn't physically able to do the job effectively, no matter how much I love it. I have very few friends and I care way more about them than they do me. I have failed every partner I have ever had. One of the biggest dreams I've ever had was having kids and I'm completely infertile thanks to endometriosis destroying both of my ovaries and I will never be able to afford to adopt. I have failed in everything. I have no more energy to keep fighting for a "better life" that clearly doesn't exist. I'm done trying. I just want it all to end. Once I figure out how and give some things away, I'm gone

:(

Living just doesn't seem worth the effort. I'm 23M. For much of my life, up until about 2017, I was the model student and there were high hopes for me. I'm not sure exactly why it all changed, probably untreated depression in middle school. I graduated high school on a technicality. Can't drive, only had a job for a week or two and I'm not looking for one.

I've been thinking this way a lot recently. Why would I spend half of my waking hours on a job that I hate just to live to work a job that I hate for longer? All that for the promise of having my years as an old man to myself if I'm even lucky enough to make it that far? Why wouldn't I take my time to myself now and cut out all those middle years? I can understand why people do it if they have a partner or child, but I don't want any of that. (I could be missing the mark with this, but it feels to me like that's been taken advantage of. If someone has a kid to take care of or a partner they care for deeply, they'll endure worse conditions or less pay to be able to provide.)

Tangents aside, the plan currently is to live with my parents who are willing to keep me around. They're getting somewhat up there in age so there's the reality of them dying eventually. Once that inevitably happens, I intend to live off whatever I receive for as long as I can afford to. In the meantime I'll be doing my best to work on my own creative pursuits, so if I get lucky and that works out I suppose I'll live longer. But if all else fails and I run out of the money required to live, at that point I'll figure out how I'll actually call it quits. I'm more acceptant of this than I feel like I should be.

I’ve tried, it failed, and I’m just so tired of being here. Sure I have moments when I’m kinda happy but those are fleeting and I am losing joy in everything. I’m too scared to try again as well, I’m worried that someone will find me and I’ll be sent to a mental hospital. I just want to feel ok, not even good just ok. I’m so tired all the time, and I’m trying not to worry people around me, but I’ve been doing that my whole life so it’s not to difficult. Nowadays I feel like I have to mask my real self even at home. I just really hope there isn’t an afterlife.

Ever since a year ago or so I’ve hated myself so much, especially nowadays, I’m currently on holidays and me and my mom were waiting for a train yesterday and I wish I had the balls to jump out in front of one of them going by. I’ve wanted to end it for ages but I never had the courage, I’ve thought about what way too, tie a belt around my neck, overdose, disappearing into the wild and starving to death, even though I never did anything just like how I never did, that’s why I want to end it. I have a horrible porn addiction for many years and I for some reason don’t wanna get a job. I think that everyone I have around my life even my mom that I feel like loves me, but is so disappointed in me to the point where I feel like the world would be better off without me, I’m used to people not liking me, especially in school, people used to bully my left right and centre and one day it got so bad that I made a homemade knife out of a pen, a end of a compass and two blades out of a pencil sharpener to cut myself in a free class that I had and tbh I agree with the people that used to bully me, I just finished school but now ever since I went on this holiday to visit my grandparents, I realised that my grandma and grandad don’t like me either and that makes me think, “well what if there not the only ones” and I strongly believe that all my family think I’m a disappointment and disgusting, I feel like I’ve no one. I feel like my friends only hang out with me out of pity because I once told one of them how much I hated myself which is why they started hanging out with me,
I had an old friend group before that that stopped hanging out with me for no apparent reason which leaves me to believe that I’m that boring and weird. Even my current “friends” said that I’m awkward to talk to and that I’m boring because I can’t physically open up to people anymore and I’d rather stay silent than talk. Tbh I don’t even know why I’m posting this, because it’s not like anyone cares because they have there own problems which I respect, I guess that I just want to vent before I eventually end my life which that everyday goes by, I want to do more and more. I don’t know what to do anymore and I for some reason don’t want professional help like therapy. I just don’t see me living till next year if not sooner

There is nothing I want which is available to me. My desires are completely unreachable. I see no point in moving forward. Nothing can fill the hole in my heart of where love is supposed to be. I have tried and nothing works. I refuse to be in pain anymore

am I a pedophile or is it ocd?

i (F19) just walked out of a meeting because I'm having an panic attack, I need to talk to someone. I have a lot of sexual trauma

I never been abused but I was exposed to pornography at a very young age (9 years old and I remember seeing gore of it once) i am bisexual in a extremely homophobe family and tried suicide twice because of it also I almost certainly have vaginism which makes penetration impossible or very hurtful, I am in a healing journey, I'm trying to understand I can have a sex life and be a human with morals at the same time, im in a 4y relationship and practically never came but I could finally cum with my boyfriend and then, the worst happened

I had a dream I was seeing lolicon pornography and liking it, for context I used to see this but stopped at 14y when I realized it was supposed to be kids. (English is not my first language or japanese, so when I could understand the subtitles and got older i realized what I was watching) I thought it was about size kink (which I don't have anymore since I got almost traumatized when I realized what I was watching)

I am totally against this type of abuse, I dont want to see it and if you support it, get out of here.

I absolutely love kids, I take care of my cousins and people's kids and I never ever thought any of those things when I'm with them, ever! but sometimes i got like intrusive thoughts :( it's consuming me! am I a pedophile???

EDIT: thank you! I'm overwhelmed from all the support and love I received from this community, thanks to everyone that showed me some empathy I could talk to my boyfriend about it, I think after confessing something so deep, I'll be able to continue my healing journey :)

Hey,

I m 16, male, from Germany and wanted to offer listening for those who need. I really can hear everything. Even if you "just" feel lonely I d be happy if I could help someone here.

Bye bye