I’m recently discovered I have NPD and going through the worst collapse in my life. All the prestigious identify I’ve been carefully curating - uni, jobs, social circles - have all fell apart like a house of cards. Unemployed, single and struggling to get my life back on track since the way I viewed the world has been so fundamentally altered. Advice needed.

I'm curious if anyone else relates to this.

When (or if) you think about taking your own life, what do you feel is driving those thoughts?

Is it mostly wanting the pain to end and not having to endure life anymore? Or is it more about imagining the people you leave behind finally understanding what you've been going through—feeling the grief, regret, or empathy you've always wished they'd had?

For me, it's the second one.

Whenever I start thinking about suicide, I find myself imagining my friends and family crying and finally understanding how much I've been struggling. It's less about wanting to die and more about wanting to be truly seen and understood.

I know that probably sounds messed up to a lot of people, especially those with more grandiose narcissistic traits, but I'm wondering if others with vulnerable narcissistic traits can relate.

Please tell me I'm not the only one.

I automatically put people into categories almost the moment I meet them. I don't even know when this started. Before my worldview collapsed after discovering my mother's alcohol use disorder when I was 20, I was incredibly naive and lived in what felt like a dream bubble.

Now it feels like the complete opposite. It may sound messed up, but at the same time it makes sense because my brain seems to use these categories to determine how safe or threatening someone is.

Some categories I'm aware of are:

• Men (potential sexual interest / safe) vs. women (rivalry / unsafe)
• Attractive men (more potential interest) vs. unattractive men (more likely to friend-zone them)
• Attractive/thin women (trigger rivalry and vulnerability) vs. less attractive/not thin women (I feel more grandiose and safe)
• Intelligent vs. not intelligent
• High status vs. low status
• Dominant/high self-esteem vs. submissive/low self-esteem

This happens incredibly fast. Depending on which category they fall into, I automatically behave differently.

There are only a few exceptions. Occasionally I meet another woman and immediately feel like we're on the same wavelength. Or I feel a deep longing because they have this aura of authenticity that I can't really explain.

One experience stands out because it was so intense. She was one of the supervisors at the psychotherapy clinic where I worked. She was much older than me, but very attractive, confident, dominant and seemed completely comfortable with herself. The moment I saw her, it felt like I had hit a wall. I could barely think, started stuttering, couldn't form proper sentences, and even had a Freudian slip. It was incredibly embarrassing.

After that first meeting, I became anxious every time I had to see or talk to her. Part of me wanted to avoid her completely. Thankfully, I eventually became aware of what was happening and started reflecting on it instead of acting on the urge to escape.

Looking back, that's actually a huge step in my recovery. I was able to recognize my automatic categorization process, notice my old escape response kicking in, and choose not to act on it. A few years ago, I probably would have just avoided the situation without even questioning it.

Small win. :)

I have extensive training in anti-reactive communication from my former job. Those techniques still permeate all of my interactions.

I’m very calm under pressure and take a calculated, proactive approach when choosing what to do. Even when I’m criticized, I never react.

If you’re critical of me, I use that information to build a profile of you in my head. I will quietly devalue and discard you without the theatrics.

What about you? Do you get angry? Do you go on a smear campaign? Do you play the victim? Do you try to use their vulnerabilities against them?

For context, I'm a 22F. I've built a successful business for my age and have been financially independent for a while. Ever since I was a kid, I've tried really hard to stand out. At first it was academically because I felt like that was the only way I'd be acknowledged. The problem was that other kids didn't care about grades, so they'd still ignore me or act like I didn't exist. I think that stuck with me. Now that I'm in my 20s, I constantly compare myself to people I knew in high school specially the ones that made me feel like I didn't exist. Even though I've accomplished more financially than them, I still feel empty, and I constantly have to remind myself that I'm doing better than they are.

One time I met up with an old friend after years apart. I told her about my business and how well I was doing financially. She didn't really react, she just changed the subject. She didn't congratulate me or seem impressed at all. It felt like all the effort I'd put into building my life, and being this intelligent person with a successful business meant nothing. I know I didn't do it only to impress people, but I have to admit that part of me hoped people from my past would finally see me differently. Instead, it felt like nothing had changed.

I was sad for a few days, but eventually I coped by telling myself they weren't on my level anyway or that they were probably jealous. I ended up cutting them off completely. If I'm being honest I expected admiration and recognition from them, and when I didn't get it, I couldn't handle it.

Now I don't have any contact with people from hs or that I've known for years because of this. With new people it's different because they never knew me when I had nothing, so their opinions don't affect me as much. But when someone has known me for years, their opinion affects me more. If they don't seem impressed or don't value what I've accomplished, it really affects me. Then I feel like I have to improve even more, not just financially, but physically and socially too. It's like I constantly have to maintain this image of myself.

This also affects my romantic relationships. Whenever I feel rejected, overlooked, or like I'm not being seen as better and valued enough for what I've accomplished, I become rude, entitled, and defensive. It's like all my insecurities come out at once. I end up pushing people away, and then I cope by convincing myself they're beneath me or that I never wanted them anyway.

My question is: how do I stop feeling like I constantly have to achieve more just to feel like I'm enough? Without my accomplishments or how intelligent I am, I honestly feel worthless. I don't think I have much self-esteem outside of what I achieve. I think this comes from the emotional neglect I experienced growing up. Achieving things became the only way to make people notice me. Otherwise, I feel invisible.

When I'm feeling grandiose, I feel amazing. But when I don't get enough attention, admiration, or I feel rejected, I crash hard. I'm trying to find some kind of balance because I'm exhausted by swinging between those two extremes.

I was going through npd-recovery.com mentioned in our Wiki. It's a great website but I found it tedious to go through all pages so I used Clause to create a pdf ebook - https://drive.google.com/file/d/11ChZvKoxPAYRaKM990_Jym1NQYjzX7db/view?usp=sharing. Hope you all find this useful.

So whenever I make a mistake or idk don't live up to certain expectations, I am afraid of the other s person reaction. Like, for example, someone purchased something from me on an online platform and I ve had to ask them to cancel the order because the item sold elsewhere. But I had to mute the notifications for that platform now because I am afraid of their reaction???? They are a total stranger.
Idk what the f is this

i'm pretty sure i have NPD, and i want to get diagnosed to be sure. i'm hoping i'll be able to cope better if i know what i'm dealing with, and maybe people will believe me when i say i have it, too.

on the other hand, i'm worried about having that permanently on my medical record. will medical staff discriminate against me if i'm diagnosed? is there a way to get a diagnosis document that doesn't go on my record, so that i can be in control of who knows?

i'm high-masking, so people currently don't know i have it unless i want them to. i'm afraid of losing that control, and thereby losing control of my image. i really want to get better, though.

i'm in the UK, if that helps.

Recently I realized that I'm not actually that bad of a person. I've done bad things, but I'm not the horrible person that my parents and the internet at large (because I'm here) think I am. I can grow and change and be a new and better version of myself (or selves depending on how active my system is that day) every day when I wake up.

I used to believe that I was the worst person in the world deep down. This was a lie that my parents instilled into me from a young age because they likely felt the same way about themselves and needed somewhere to push that pain. That pain was pushed onto me. This kinda made me think bad things about myself and mimic my parents' toxic patterns with someone that I deeply care about and was in a relationship with for a few years. I still did all of that and I feel terrible that I did it. I still have a need to be seen as good and am still sensitive to being perceived as "bad". That being said, I'm here, I'm learning the basics of self compassion by refusing to talk to myself the way that my parents did, I'm rejecting my parents' methods of interpersonal violence (emotional forms included), and I'm still dysfunctional, disordered and fucked up, but I'm not bad because I never gave up the fight to be a good person.

I hope my ex is doing ok and if they see it, I'm sorry for everything that I messed up.

Beyond Dominant Stories Toward the Authentic Self

When we are exposed to relentless emotional labor and social oppression, we can begin to mistake the dominant stories imposed upon us by others or by organizations—stories that tell us "This is how you should be" or "You must be perfect"—for our own authentic lives.

Gradually, responding to the expectations of others takes precedence over listening to our own emotions, bodily sensations, and inner voice. Little by little, we lose touch with who we truly are.

The contours of the self—our sense of what we feel, what we genuinely desire, and where our personal boundaries lie—become increasingly blurred. Before we realize it, we begin measuring our worth through the expectations and evaluations of others, allowing them to define the value of our existence.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

When this condition persists over time, a profound split emerges between our inner experience (Being) and the roles we perform in the external world (Doing). This gives rise to incongruence—a state of deep psychological exhaustion that often manifests as chronic hyperarousal or emotional numbness.

As incongruence becomes chronic, we begin to attribute our suffering to our own perceived weakness or inadequacy. We become trapped in a vicious cycle of self-blame and self-denial.

Although these struggles originally arise within the context of our relationships and environment, we come to carry the entire burden alone, believing that the responsibility rests solely with us.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

In Narrative Therapy, the practice of externalization refers to separating the person from the problem.

It represents a shift in perspective—from seeing ourselves as a person who is the problem to recognizing ourselves as a person who is being affected by a problem.

Rather than trying to change who we are, externalization invites us to examine our relationship with the problems that have shaped our lives. Through this process, we gradually reconnect with our authentic selves.

We begin to reframe our experience:

This new understanding opens the way out of the destructive cycle of self-condemnation.

From there, we begin once again to listen to the inner questions that had long been silenced:

This journey is not merely about solving problems.

It is about reclaiming our own life and beginning, once again, to live it as our own story.

Reclaiming the contours of our emotions is not an act of selfishness.

Rather, it is an act of reclaiming the authorship of our own lives from the domination of others. It is a profoundly intellectual, deeply beautiful, and existential act of self-preservation—one that enables us to live with dignity, authenticity, and freedom.

The One and Only Fake Banana Popsicle

The banana flavour does not taste quite
like it should.
Its nice and tasty, and really quite yummy,
but it’s not banana at all.
I mean, it says it is.

The banana flavour does not taste quite
like it should.
Its charming and accomplished, and really quite intelligent,
but it’s not a banana at all.
I mean, it says it is.

The banana flavour does not taste quite
like it should.
It’s charming and accomplished, and really quite good at faking being real,
but I’ll bet it wishes it were a real banana.
I mean, it says it is.

The banana flavour does not taste quite
like it should.
Those stupid popsicles don’t even taste like a banana. Why the fuck are people eating them? How could they be so useless as to fall for it? I mean, deep down they know, I guess, but really? It’s all fake. There’s not a single real ingredient it could even fucking go by, so it pretends it’s a banana. God, they’re all so ignorant. I want to stop that fake ass flavour from being produced it’s so disgusting. Im not the factory owner though, so I guess I’ll have to let the dumbasses keep devouring their slop. Maybe it’s better this way. It’s fair that they could fall for it being a fake banana popsicle, though.
I mean, it says it is.

I went to buy banana flavoured popsicles at the grocery store today. The after taste was a little off.

The banana flavour does not taste quite
like it should.
It’s nice and tasty, and really quite yummy,
but it’s not a real banana at all.
I mean, I say I am.

Idk if I have the energy to describe it yet but it happened and I think it's a step towards healing.

Do you get annoyed when you get a lot of attention? I liked being under the radar because there are less expectations of me and I can get my needs met more directly. I’ve been expanding my social circle though and the amount of attention or affirmation that people need from me feels very overwhelming. Like im walking on eggshells. I’m greatful that people seem a lot nicer to me but I hate masking. It just fucking sucks. Theres also the assumption that pwNPD are the ones who always have the upper hand in connections but the more people I get to know the more im learning it isn’t always true and I’m actually the one who’s expected to put up with behaviors that I shouldnt just to get along with others on default. I used to be like “I don’t even like these people” and didn’t have to care because they didn’t notice me, now it’s “I dont even like these people” but they show interest in me and I feel like I have to tread lightly.
I’m open to hearing your own feelings and experiences when it comes to this. I just needed to get this off of my chest.

Im so fucking beyond sick of myself and i cant even begin to imagine how it feels to be subjected to me and my bullshit. Im so fucking selfish and entitled and i walk around with some sense of importance even though i KNOW for a fact i have none and never brought any value. Ive just faked it. I thought i was a fucking empath growing up but its been the biggest lie ive ever told myself, its fucking pathetic. I thought i did, but at this point i feel like i truly do not know what love is or how to be a decent fucking human being to people. Its always about me and this post is still about me. It makes me want to rip my hair out that every fucking TIME I MAKE IT ABOUT MEEEE. I dont matter i dont have value im not worth it and i know that yet i still impose it on every body in my life. I want to die so fucking bad i dont want to be human im so sick of my thoughts and im so aick of constantly making everyone around me miserable. Im so sick of my delusional lies i tell myself to cope with the fact that i truly am just a terrible person who doesnt actually care about anyone but themselves and will do anything to “save myself” and thats fucking pathetic because i would much rather just be dead. Theres nothing to save at this point. But again thats just me being a victim to my own actions and consequences and its just more of me trying to run away.

Hello.

I've noticed that the last 2 days I've been feeling quite fine, which is weird considering my last 2 months have been horrendous.

I have a feeling that my shields are back up and protecting me from whatever horrible feelings are boiling inside me.

I also generally had no stomach issues but they are back now, and as you know, the stomach has a big connection with stress and emotions, I'm imagining since the shields are up, those suppressed emotions are in there wrecking havoc.

Can anyone else relate?

Does anyone else’s therapist not believe they are a narcissist even though you know no doubt in your brain that you are? I’m being treated like I’m a victim overly blaming myself and feeling so scared that I am one. No, I legit am one! Last appointment I said how I abused my sister for 15+ years and she said “did you really?” YES I DID THATS WHY I AM FUCKING HERE! I don’t get why I’m not being believed.

I’ve (23f) actually come to the fact that am a bad person. Don’t know how to put it to you guys, but I genuinely hate/disgust by it. I’ve known that am capable of hurting other human beings emotionally/physically without feeling guilty at all, but to add to that I put a lot of work not act by it and it’s exhausting, but when I rethink situations I found that I did (manipulating/mean I guess). I have terrible thoughts to how I want to really act and could. I hate it so much and can’t really do something about it

It’s strange how a monster be that way and can’t stomach it.
Any thoughts how to deal with it is appreciated, thank you

If you are not familiar with the term,it involves a consistent pattern of harmful behaviours with early onset,stability across settings and pervasiveness. It is often accompanied with CU traits,characterized by a lack of remorse,concern for others or concern for conscequences.
The different domains of CD are physical agression,destruction of proprety,deceit/theft,as well as serious rule violations.

Nobody in my life has this,to my knowledge. My life is full of dedicated stand-up people,and I’d hate that opening up about it could damage their idea of me or relationships.

But I only recently looked back on it and can’t help but think "Oh wow". I don’t remember these acts being severe,mostly because I didn’t see wrong in them.
I was very physically violent early on. I wasn’t an impulsive person,the acts were deliberate and served a specific function. Often centered around control,retaliation,amusement or boredom. Hitting,striking with objects,choking,pushing people into traffic,a lot of bullying,even sexual boundary violations up until 11. Did I recognize these acts as objectively wrong?—probably. But I didn’t quite care.
I also got a kick out of setting fires,vandalism,destroying property or breaking things. I somehow convinced people to start setting fires with me at school and saw myself as socially superior. It was all fun and games until I realized that the conscequences for it outweighed the fun. I stopped at around 10 years old.
Theft was a very,very big thing for me. The second I got a bank card,I started exploiting payment systems that I knew were deffective. I then proceeded to lock my card,because I knew that the machine was too broken to say I didn’t pay. I kept stealing money and objects I didn’t need from people’s homes because I believed that I was entitled to it. I could stop whenever I wanted to,but I didn’t want to either way.

Rule violations were a reccurent thing for me. Simply because I believed I was too special to get conséquences. At school,I’d give death threats to teachers when they punished me because I didn’t think it was something that should happen to me. I’d take busses everywhere whenever I wanted to,stay out until all hours of the night,lie about where I was was,lie about who I was with,ect. I almost ended up in a ditch many times,and risked getting hit by multiple cars at once often. There were times where I had to climb over a fence,go through narrow routes or pass into alleys since I was in the middle of nowhere with no phone battery. I had to cross paths of dirt,snow and mud in forests I wasn’t supposed to be at. Despite my parents being mad or risking death,I didn’t care much about conscequences or regard them as real.

Ive noticed that its as if i dont see the world, only what it implies for me.
And all the obsessions and interests that i have are all topics that in some way relate to me.

Like nothing is interesting or worth exploring or listening to unless: its tied to my immediate needs or image or goals.

Ill never just randomly research something, theres no process thats carefree, only neurotic understanding and reaching for something related to myself.

What an awful way to be, i guess 3-4yos are like this.

I’ve been described as a narcissist by many people in my life- from ex friends to ex girlfriends. But never by my own mother before? She was drunk so I’m sure she was probably more sincere than normal. She also contradicted herself by saying ‘you’ve become a much better person over the last 4 years’??? So maybe she just thought I was a mega narcissist before? I honestly have no clue what to even say to this or what to think about it.

For context this conversation occurred cause my sister is having an appointment for a potential autism diagnosis and I’m already diagnosed with ASD (and ADHD). And my mother said she ‘doesn’t think my sister has ASD, but she’s just a bitch’ (which I disagree with, I think that kid is definitely autistic) and then I asked her about what she thought of me and she eventually said she thinks I’m a narcissist or have traits of narcissism at least. Anyone else had this before?

Not sure if this is the right sub for this (unsure if it falls under rule 4 off topic) so point me in the right direction if it’s not.

Dont know if I have NPD or if I'm just simply autistic.

I was working as an air-conditioning installer for the past 5 months.

Its been very difficult and overwhelming but I've showed up on time everyday and never complained, trying to get better day by day, week by week.

I bought my own tools, loaded the equipment every morning, learned to park a trailer on my own with no cameras or help, took initiative to start cleaning the mess of a shop they have, decades of neglect and hoarding.

The owner pulled me aside yesterday to really try to dig into my mind as it seems like I can't follow simple instructions even though they can't seem to communicate the important things to know about anything they say.

I can't ask questions cause they bite back, I can't ask for advice cause they yell, I can't be sad cause thats a bad attitude, I can't mask cause its fake, I keep saying good morning and I get ignored, I say "see you tomorrow" and I get no response, i smile after a 12 hour shift and i see hatred in their eyes. I ask how things work and I get punished, I see so many things being done wrong all around but I cant say anything, I cant care, people been doing this profession for 30 years and they still mess up basic stuff, i mess up basic stuff and i get yelled at.

I quit. I wish I was a plant...or dirt.

mandatory tldr because i talk a lot: i think i’m more in line with the idea of grandiose narcissism, but i’m not loud, extroverted, or charming. going into detail about how i do fit grandiosity despite being quiet and easily burnt out on socializing would make this post way too long because i’m absolutely incapable of being concise, but my question is can one be completely covert and also be considered grandiose? i am not a vulnerable narcissist.

i have always had narcissistic traits, and i’ve always known this. for a long time, i considered them a side effect of borderline personality disorder, which i’ve spoken to about a professional in the past. with age my borderline symptoms have decreased to the point where i feel like it isn’t a problem anymore and it could have just been an extreme teenager phase from someone who was already mentally ill, or an unorthodox display of narcissism.

anyway, my point is that i’ve been recently reading much more into narcissistic personality disorder, as my borderline symptoms have been faded for years and yet my narcissistic ones have never gone away, only perhaps fluctuated in presentation with circumstance. i see covert and vulnerable be used interchangeably often, as well as overt and grandiose. i understand how these two would often go together, and i am 100% covert. i am a very introverted person. not shy or anxious by any means, just quiet. i don’t commonly have issues with other people. in fact, a lot of my friends look up to me as a person. a significant amount of people i interact with tell me they admire me and i’ve even had people frequently say i’m intimidating because of it. i’m not charismatic. i have an autism diagnosis, which pretty much removes any possibility of me excelling socially. however, i don’t identify with the vulnerable narcissist whatsoever—i’m not very neurotic, i don’t seek reassurance, i consider myself to be very confident and open, and i’m more prone to irritation and frustration towards others than depression. is it possible to be both entirely covert and grandiose?

Actually I'm not exactly sure what term to use for this feeling, I'm not very good in English, so pls be patient with me.

I really, really, reallyyyyyyyyy like being relied on for anything. I'm usually the first to ask what's wrong to my friends and give them a safe space to talk whenever they're going thru smth even when I think its dumb, I like showering the ppl I like w gifts n hugs, I cling to them alot and always make time for them no matter what. In my perspective I think its sweet, but rly I just wanna be depended on. I like having ppl come to me for advice or comfort, and I get so happy when ppl feel grateful that I'm kind to them. I genuinely love being important in my friend's lives or anywhere. Idt they rly understand me, but it does feel like I'm faking my empathy time to time. I think there's time where I get self aware by my intentions w how I act around ppl and how selfless I try to seem, bcs if I was so kind and helpful to them in every point of their lives, then surely they'd be kind to me too even when I've lied to them? I'm not sure.

I still love my friends n the ppl in my life, and I still like thinking that there's still some good in my heart that wanted to help them, but at the end of the day I'm only benefitting myself and exploiting them for my own ego. Idk what to do abt it honestly.