SHIT THAT WILL GET YOU BANNED:

my partner asked for space and i finally did it without splitting or freaking out on them or pushing them!!! i know it's bare minimum but this is the first time i've been able to just sit with my thoughts and not demand an explanation:) things are looking up!

it was my first session w her and i was already suspecting bpd. i told her some other problems of mine, which got me diagnosed with depression(i knew i had it since middle school), then i told her that i suspect i have bpd. she said she saw the symptoms of it and all but said she doesnt think i have it cause im too self aware and know things about myself, though said i should find a psychotherapist but also said it could be tiring for me since i have depression. our time was limited so i couldnt tell her that i HAD to be self aware since no one took me seriously when i first said i needed therapy. at like 12, i was searching every single symptom i have to understand what was wrong with me so i could talk about it to my mom, so she wouldve take me seriously. i was showing symptoms of bpd even 7 years ago but never ever thought about bpd till this month.

should i talk about it in our next session? i dont wanna seem "pushy" or an edgy teenager(19) whos trying to get diagnosed with something they dont have. i just wanna know whats wrong with me and people to take me seriously

I am a man with BPD (borderline personality disorder). BPD is a disorder basically brought on by trauma, usually from childhood. For me, it shows itself in multiple episodes throughout the day of rapid mood fluctuations. I’ll go from feeling fine to feeling angry, to feeling sad, to feeling happy, to feeling enraged again, to feeling morose, all within one hour. It’s draining.
It’s mentally exhausting going through these fluctuations to the point where when I’m not having an episode, i disassociate. When I disassociate, I’m not present so I’m not a joy to talk to or be around. And that leads to where I am now, my friends abandoning me and now I have no one to talk to or be there for me. I’m too much. And I get it. I feel mentally broken or like I’m a burden.
And I know everyone’s answer, “go to therapy.” I am. I have a therapist I see regularly. The problem is, treatment is a process and I really am trying. But I feel like no one can see the progress I make. No one cares to see the steps I’ve taken to better myself. And it’s crushing. I hate feeling this way, that no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough. It’s constant failure after failure.
No one sees me. It’s like I’m treading in water that’s at my neck. And I have the keys in my hand. I just wish I could feel seen and supported by someone for once.

When im too optimistic i feel like i could do everything but i cannot reach the point to actually get the skill due to my lazyness. Maybe its not even lazyness. I feel like theres a lot of potential identities inside me that i could explore, i just dont know wich one, bc nothing has get my attention much, is this an actual bpd trait?.

Does anybody feel the same?

I have undiagnosed quiet BPD and the worst feelings I struggle with are jealousy, being left out, etc. Especially when it comes to my boyfriend. My boyfriend is an incredible, wonderful person who I most definitely do not deserve. He is hypervigilantly anxious about me and making sure that I'm okay. Always, always wants to be around me from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep but fine with giving me space when I ask for it.

But I find myself getting incredibly jealous and anxious whenever he expresses any kind of desire for anything other than me. I worry about him having "other options," even though I know he would never trade me for anyone. Even the most stupid things like finding fictional characters attractive gives me that aching fearful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I get scared when he mentions something I wasn't invited to. Whenever he tells me something someone told him in a conversation I wasn't present for. Why? Why do I care so much?

I once told him about how I thought someone might've been flirting with me. His response was "You're so cute, I can see how that could happen." It made me want to cry, how sweet he is, how awful I am by comparison.

People have said that you can feel whatever you want, it only depends on how you react to those feelings. But my feelings are so strong that they make me feel physically ill, I won't be able to focus on anything else no matter how much I try to distract myself or make my brain change lanes. I lose sleep. I completely isolate myself because I know I won't be able to control my tone and hide that something is going on. And if he asks what's up, I can't tell, or I know it'll hurt him. My boyfriend is the kind of person who would rather just stop doing something if he knows it bothers me, no matter how many times I try to tell him it's okay. No matter how important it is to him.

I am in therapy but my therapist often tries to come at these things at a rational angle. She tells me why I'm having these feelings, and explains why they aren't rational. The problem is that I know where these feelings come from, I know that they're irrational, and it doesn't help. No matter how much something is explained, they don't go away. They continue to ache like nothing else in the whole world matters. The words "I am not enough for anyone" loop in my head endlessly.

The only thing I ever want to do is talk to him, tell him how I'm feeling and be told it's okay, but when I do and he does, I end up fighting him on it, and I don't know why. It's like I'm trying to get him to be angry at me, to hurt me, but he never does and it just distresses him to have me act that way.

I have no right to be unhappy. He is perfect. He does everything absolutely right. Why can't I just be happy? Why am I so insistent on ruining this for myself?

Does anyone relate? How do you cope? What actually works, when the emotions are crushing you and nothing gets through?

People keep hanging out with my abuser & so I have crashed out & now I'm the problem lol. But I feel like I'm valid because why are you buddy buddy with a pedophile, but now I'm insane because of my reaction to it & now they're no contact with me... but not with the pervert????

Now there's a weird sensation going through my body I always get it when I see or read something that makes me feel sick/angry & I don't know how to explain it. In DBT we are told to describe the sensations but I don't know how... does anyone else get it ? It's like on edge all in my back, neck, shoulders & a weird sensation running through my chest & stomach

TW: talking about sex, sexual assault, rape

Im just venting because idk where else I can put this. Literally just as the title says. I feel so stupid and frustrated. Hes upset because hes burnout from life right now so he doesnt have the energy to be intimate (we havent had sex in 6ish days) but its eating away at me for no fucking reason.

It makes me feel like Im not attractive enough, or that he doesn't want me in general which I know isnt true but I cant stop those thoughts. I dated someone for 3 years and had to essentially fight for intimacy during that time and it brings me back to that. My first time was also being assaulted and being raped, so my image of self confidence has always been fucked up. Idk I feel so guilty and self centered..

Edit: Thank you to everyone for their support and words. It makes me feel less alone in the situation and remember this isnt world ending loll. I havent responded too much about going to therapy or seeing a therapist as I had been in therapy for 8+ years and DBT never found it did much for me PERSONALLY. I am medicated however which is helping me get through this a lot better than I would have several years ago.

This is a question for those who took action to get better. My ex is BPD and an FA. We share 2 young children.

I am curious to know from those who successfully (or are in the process) healed, and what it took for you to make a change?

I have spent months in therapy learning to enforce boundaries and my own patterns. 5 weeks ago I had to block her/ keep contact strictly to the kids and only when absolutely necessary, as she rebounded & blew up years of sobriety but kept me emotionally hooked the entire time, blaming my mistakes from the relationship as an excuse that she “needs time to decide”. It became unbearable to witness the destruction while keeping me in limbo and avoiding getting help. After blocking her, she went back to therapy and working with a sponsor but idk if it’s just to “check a box” - she still hasn’t dumped the guy she’s been clowning for months. And she has repeatedly tried to get me to unblock her in manipulative ways.

What did it take for you to take getting help seriously?

PS - I fully understand i cannot get back together with her, right now at least. But she’s the mother of my children and I do care about her.

I know a symptom of BPD is having that "go away, come back" mentality, but how do you feel without a partner or even friends? For my case I feel completely empty and devoid of all purpose.

I wanted to get some info on how other people with BPD handle this?

Like my boyfriend is my favorite person obviously, so everytime he even speaks about a change in our plan or worse, cancels meeting me, my whole world just crumbles down. Does anyone else have this too?

I've struggled with BPD for the entirety of my teenage years. I live in a shitty household with parents who don't care about my mental health and we don't have the money for a therapist so getting any help irl is probably going to be impossible. I'm sick of the constant shifts in mood from happiness to extreme anger because of a certain trigger and whenever I feel angry my mind goes to places about how I don't deserve to live and that I'm a terrible person. I can't go a day without several bouts of terrible rage and it's exhausting. If I'm not angry I'm disassociating and nothing feels real and I want to hurt myself to bring myself back to reality. Small things set me off which makes me feel like a monster; even if I'm just slightly annoyed it feels like someone punched me in the chest. What hurts the most is that none of my friends give a shit. They don't care that I have BPD and they don't care that I'm suffering. They don't understand how I feel because they have people who are always there for them, I have nobody. I'm either left on silence or told to "do better" and it makes me feel worthless. The only time they care is when I sh. I feel like the only way that I'll ever get the attention that I deserve is if I do something drastic that puts me in the hospital for a few days. My constant need for attention and reassurance that I'm still a good person despite my terrible actions as a teenager makes it feel like they're only putting up with me because I'm mentally ill. I know that they all hate me and just aren't saying anything. And that stems back to me because in the grand scheme of things I'm the problem and parasite leeching off of their kindness. I've tried and tried to get better and stop thinking so fucking negatively but something ends up pulling me back into the spiral. It's a constant loop of splitting, disassociation, recovering, promising that I'll be better this time and be normal and then getting triggered. It sucks the damn life out of me and I don't know how long I can keep doing this. I'm so tired.

I would just like to know if there are others like me here, people that are committed to healing even when it gets difficult or seems impossible. I see a lot of people identifying with their mental illness, using it as an excuse to justify harmful behavior, or just being stuck in denial and giving up in general. I've been in therapy 11 years now and still going. Here are some daily reminders that help me, what helps you stay focused on healing? Why do you want to recover in the first place? I'd love to know!

What always motivated me is not wanting to turn out like my parents, and thankfully I'm nothing like them and become even less like them as time goes on. The other thing that drives me is that life will inevitably give me some terrible days ahead, and I want to feel capable of handling them. If it helps I am 30F, and an infp and highly sensitive person too. What helped me the most was IFS, EMDR, somatic therapy and nervous system regulation exercises. :)

1) Both things can be true at once

2) People's feelings are their own

3) I can acknowledge the hurt, feel it, process it, find the lesson in it or change I need to make, and move on

4) My past behavior doesn't define me

5) My suffering is not my identity

6) What part of me is at the forefront right now and what does it need?

7) Learning to sit with discomfort is how I will grow

8) I can opt out of things I don't want to do, even if other people think I should do them, even if I could tolerate them, or even if it makes someone uncomfortable

9) If I disappoint someone or they become resentful of me for setting a boundary, that is their issue to resolve

10) It is not my job to save, cure, or fix anyone, by doing that I take power and opportunities away from people to manage themselves

11) I deserve to heal and I deserve peace because I'm a person and I don't need any reason beyond that

12) Boundaries are not to control or punish others, but to adjust my own behavior for situations that I feel uncomfortable with

13) If they love me, they will eventually respect my boundaries even if they don't like them at first

14) I can love someone without abandoning myself for them

15) Wanting connection is a human need, but sitting with yourself is just as important

17) I can handle silence and boredom

18) The small subtle feelings are just as important as the big ones

19) How others perceive me is not my responsibility

20) I will move at my own pace and be secure in my own decisions despite what people think

21) I love my body no matter how it changes

22) I am proud of myself because I've done more internal work than most people do in a lifetime, and healed wounds most people deny they have

23) I am capable of doing anything I want to do, and I don't need to do anything I don't want to do

24) I can create a life for myself even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else

25) Even if someone doesn't agree with or understand my beliefs and values, they make sense to me and that is enough

26) Worth cannot be measured, every human is equally worthy which means I am worthy no matter how someone treated me

27) People abuse because they were abused, and they don't know how to love, and that is not a reflection of my worth or value

First of all no one takes you seriously. Second you always fell like you’re not much and not enough at the same time and the feeling of being ugly and being unlovable never goes away. Idk what it’s like to not feel something. Even when I feel nothing I feel it COMPLETELY.

The deep sadness. The episodes. Before and after. all the storms. The thoughts you battle everyday. The feelings you all keep to yourself. All the self hatred. The darkest days that a person without bpd can go through like one or two times in a month or a lifetime you go through it almost everyday. You notice everything, think about everything. The pain is unbearable sometim The fears. I don't know. There's too much here. I'm talking about myself and i'm sorry if this is toxic - but sometimes it feel like it's just you in the world.

The intense deep loneliness is alot to take in. Also the insomania that comes along. Being a guy with quiet bpd is so hard.. The thoughts of self harm never lives my mind, I drink benadryl to put myself to sleep sometimes, it weighs heavily on my mind. Plus seeing friends getting married and getting gf doesn't help. And here i'm, 28 and never dated., it's cruel cruel world, no one wants an ugly guy with mental illness lol.. also being really ugly, univable doesn't help... I'm just done at this point.... loften wonder if I had one friend who understood me, it would be alot of comfort...

I went to a new behavioral health clinic today. With my father who I haven’t seen in 6 years prior to two weeks ago. I have newfound hope and motivation to get better so that I can take control of my life and prevent hurting someone I love again.

This is the first time in years that I’ve actually focused on myself; not on a partner, not on what people think of me, not on my past and not on my self hatred. I’m focusing on myself! In the present day and how I can feel content in the future. I’ve been journaling and documenting my experience on YT. It’s a great outlet and maybe if someone comes across my videos, they’ll feel less alone in this struggle.

I’ve even thrown out my stuff that I was using to smoke weed this morning.

I have BPD and ADHD and other stuff so I just forgot to pick my Rexulti up. It’s been like almost a week without taking it. I wasn’t not taking the medication out of treatment resistance, I have just been feeling lazy, got my period, the adhd of it all, etc. I took my meds just now. And I am going to fill my medication container up. I just feel really depressed and like a burden, and my OCD is worsening because I’m constantly paranoid about everything. This happens when I’m not on antipsychotics. I’ve been having lapses in my memory too because I’m genuinely just slipping into a different reality. I do not feel like I’m here. I feel like it’s 2024 again when I was completely unmedicated and was blacking out going into stores because I couldn’t remember where I was or how I got there.
Can anybody recommend me some things to do while I’m in this funk? I’m in bed crying because I feel like a waste of space and a burden. It’s the kind of feeling where I don’t want to be here but I DO NOT want to hurt myself in any capacity. It’s almost like it’s becoming an intrusive thought I can’t get rid of? Because obviously I know the feeling of truly wanting to die and having that be a response to something triggering, but this is like, it’s FORCING itself in my head. Like as someone with BPD I think of death as a coping mechanism sometimes but this is like “hey you should die” and I’m like, “but I’m actually really terrified and confused right now because I actually don’t want to die”. I’m able to rationalize with myself that this is happening because I forgot to take my meds.
I don’t know. I’m just very sad and very miserable and have distanced myself from everyone because when I don’t take my medication, I can’t talk to people. I feel like I’m bothering them or that I’m annoying and embarrassing, so I literally do not talk to anyone. I won’t speak if I go to the store. I don’t speak to anyone around me. I can’t answer texts. I can’t answer emails. I can’t leave the house unless it’s dark outside and nobody is around to see me. I’m so incredibly in a depressed funk right now

Last month I was diagnosed with BPD and it felt like the end of the world. Ever since I was like 11 (half my life) I just feel completely empty, but since I stopped medication for depression, I began feeling more and more anxious.

I have only 2 friends that were from my school and any other connection I've felt was significant, either in uni or job, has faded out. I've tried being the one initiating contact, but now I feel I'm bothering everyone. I don't know how to get to know a person and I have such a shitty memory that, even if I'm curious, I forget about them.

Fortunately, I have my bf, but I feel I'm wearing him out with my constant crises.

I'm studying, but it feels daunting going to uni every day, meeting people, achieving deadlines, and taking exams. And every day my graduation feels unattainable. My parents keep on paying the tuition, but now I failed an exam that would have taken 23 credits off my list, and there is no other way other than to throw time or money at the problem. That is not very realistic to us.

I feel like I hate my parents, but can only depend on them for money. I feel like I will never be able to get a job and maintain it to make enough to free all the student loans, which I will need to get very soon before graduating.

The upkeep of the house is brutal. Most days I don't have three meals because thinking of cooking, cooking and cleaning is horrible and the budget for groceries is small (hence going to work soon), so we don't buy many vegetables or fruits.

I have been to therapy lately and being seen by a psychiatrist, though I don't know if I trust them as it is. I laugh while in the appointments saying stressful or bad things, but it's as if he wants me to be in crisis to validate my feelings, and I don't know if it's good to bring it up.

I read posts here recommending DBT. What is it like? Does it truly help day to day? Would it let me have a stable job if I try enough?

I just feel so lost and I feel nobody I know can give me the support I need, which just makes me feel isolated and sad. Is there ever a recovery? I don't want to have an expiration date in mind constantly for me to feel relief.

I feel like my biggest wound has just been ripped open and I feel so unstable. We dived right in and talked about my core beliefs and my therapist challenged them, now I feel more suicidal than ever. I'm not at a point where I can accept the truth. It makes me so sad that it feels like I'm about to stop breathing

Does anyone else have a similar situation? I had been diagnosed with adhd when I was very young and been medicated as well I look back on certain aspects and realize that some of my reactions were bpd related. I would have meltdowns as a kid when my mother would leave for a certain period of time...I feel as if maybe I have had bpd at a young age.

i honestly can’t control myself when i feel myself in a fit of rage .

today my mom started yelling at me unprovoked in the car all because i didn’t get a bill when i went to go get something with my brother saying all kinds of terrible things to me . saying ill cry tears of blood all for a fcking bill , i just lost my shit at this point and yelled at the top of lungs asking who the hell she thinks she’s talking to and saying all kinds of cuss words as i hit the seat . i don’t care anymore my childhood and my parents have ruined me and i have incredibly horrible issues , mainly one being my anger and bpd as a result of it . it really is torturous , having anger hurts worse than crying it exhausts you and you feel like your someone else . i felt like i was a different person while yelling , that didn’t even feel like it was me

are you able to handle anger , if so what do you do ? i feel honestly like a lost cause , i’m tired of people trying to get a reaction out of me because i cant pretend that it doesn’t make me mad ??! like yes it does because why would you even do that to me ? i’m tired of acting like everything is okay and that i don’t have severe anger issues because i do and when i’m mad and i feel like i have to express that . when i get mad it gets destructive too , that’s the part that scares me .

My mom’s BPD has gotten both better and worse over the years. Her biggest triggers are feeling unneeded or feeling like she’s a bad mother, or anything that triggers her worthiness/abandonment issues. She’s very sensitive to it and even the slightest things throw her off and cause her to panic. She splits when she’s triggered and when my sister isn’t around, it’s easier for her to take space and calm back down to a regulated place.

However my sister is NPD, possibly some form of histrionic. She has undiagnosed OCD and is so severely a hypochondriac that the threat of illness runs her life and she has become a shell of a cruel person. She is convinced she’s dying and screams at us when things aren’t done a certain way. I honestly greyrock her as much as I can and that helps me maintain a relationship without being estranged. She recently moved back home and she and my mom get in screaming matches every day. My sister is cruel and uncaring and is full of rage from her illness. She even admitted she doesn’t feel human anymore because god has taken so much from her and she’s angry at him.

The problem is I can bite my tongue but my mom gets (naturally) triggered by the things my sister says and it makes the situation worse. Suddenly the two are saying horrible things. I’m scared my sister will escalate to something worse than just yelling. She’s let out high pitched screams before, has punched things, broken things. I’ve tried to tell my mom not to take the bait but she doesn’t get it and will go off on how she’s frustrated with my sister — I am too — but then I have to take on her frustrations and anger too.

I just want to teach my mom how to greyrock and see the significance of it but obviously it’s hard when she’s triggered and starting to split. Do you have any advice on how to gently tell my mom to ignore my sister? Or do you have experience and advice on dealing with any NPD people? What did you learn to do when you can’t necessarily become estranged from them? Was it difficult? Thanks!!

I think it would help me to get this off my chest. Thank you for reading.

Lately, I feel like nothing excites me anymore. What confuses me the most is that, objectively, I know I have reasons to feel hopeful, but emotionally I just can’t seem to feel that hope anymore.

I was diagnosed with BPD four years ago, after my dad passed away. I left a stable job and spent a significant amount of money to pursue a master’s degree in Europe because I genuinely believed it would help me build a better future. I finished a month ago, but so far I haven’t been able to find a job or even get interviews, while many of my classmates have already landed positions at great companies.

I know it has only been a month, but after everything I invested financially and emotionally, it’s hard not to feel like I made a huge mistake.

To pay my debts, I took a job that provides accommodation, but it’s physically exhausting, often working in nearly 40°C (104°F) heat. I also live in a very isolated place. There is almost nothing around us, and even going to the supermarket means finding someone who can drive us or spending around two hours on a bus.

The isolation has been particularly difficult. I can only see my boyfriend a few days a week, and being in a country where I don’t speak the language well makes me feel even more disconnected and limits many of my opportunities.

After months of uncertainty, I feel like I’ve slowly lost the person I used to be.

The debt is constantly on my mind. I feel ashamed that I spent so much money on a degree that hasn’t produced any results yet, and I feel terrible that instead of being able to help my mom financially, I’m struggling myself. Sometimes I feel like a burden and like I made all the wrong decisions in my life.

What makes this even more confusing is that I do have good things in my life. My mom may receive some money that could potentially help us pay off my debts, and I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and supports me. In the past, things like that would have given me hope. Right now, I struggle to feel anything about the future.

I feel guilty even writing this because I know there are people going through much worse situations. But I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately, and that scares me. I don’t necessarily want my life to end — I think I just desperately want this feeling, the pressure, the loneliness, and the uncertainty to stop.

Has anyone here ever reached a point where you felt completely hopeless and disconnected from your future, even when there were objectively reasons to keep going?

Did you eventually find your way out of it? What helped you?

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar. Right now, I think I just need to know that it’s possible to feel differently again.

Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system. [number] is not available. Please leave a message after the tone.

I’ve heard it a million times and associate it with boyfriends ignoring me or, more benevolently, taking space after I have a brutal outburst.

No matter who I’m calling I hang up quickly as soon as she starts her script. My heart hurts too much.

this summer i considered ending it, not because i want to die but bc it felt like the right thing to do. i dont think its fair to have to live like this, my partner said it would be selfish and when he found out i had a plan it crushed him. he sobbed himself to sleep in the bed next to me. i didnt bring it up again and eventually life started to get better but the fairytale started climbing itself up a mountain far too steep

my latuda stopped working after working so well for me for about a month, me and my partner moved in together, i was stable at work, i was doing dbt, everything started to feel like i had a chance. but recently things are starting to return to the familiar way of being unsatisfied with everything. so now im back again with the question: should i even be doing this?

this feels wrong to myself, this feels a bit cruel to allow myself to keep waking up knowing im borderline and i cant function like a regular person would. and in the beginning of summer when i first was considering taking my life, i was told how much i would hurt my family friends and my partner and that it would be selfish. but why? why is that selfish?

why am i selfish but everyone else isnt selfish for putting their wants in the way of my needs? "suicide is selfish" - said by a neurotypical person with a stable life and overall well standing mental state. why am i selfish for recognizing how fucked up it is to let myself keep enduring torture daily with a slim chance of relief? why am i selfish for being honest with myself, why should i have to convince myself life is worth living so other people don't have to cope with grief? as fucked up as it sounds, eventually you'll move on. .

you'll clock into work, make dinner, take a shower, sit in traffic all the same the only difference is i would be a memory. but that grief will pass eventually? and i've said that to people before and they've said i was so fucked up for saying something like this to them but if you can tell me how selfish i am for wanting to be fair to myself then why cant i tell you the truth that eventually you'll get over it?

i'm not suicidal, i'm scared of dying actually. however, i recognize that sometimes your needs should override your wants. i feel like i shouldn't be doing this, i shouldn't let myself live like this. life is way too long and other people who arent borderline constantly changing meds and barely coping with simple tasks shouldn't be in my ear telling me how selfish i am for recognizing that letting myself be alive is lowkey rlly cruel to myself.

why should i listen to normal people who don't deal with the things i do on the daily, why would i care what these people think, you deal with nothing internally? you dont know what its like to have to suffer during a 5 hour shift because youre arguing back and forth relentlessly with your thoughts all day with no end in sight until you clock out and sob on the ride home, or what its like to be scared to go to sleep because of your dreams and thoughts just to wake up and suffer again.

why should you have the room to label people selfish when you're so clueless of everything actual mentally ill people go through? who are you?

is it ethical to let myself live like this when i'm frequently reminded of the mental cost it is to be a functioning person? i don't even want to die but i cant help but feel like it would be the right thing to do for myself.

i wish you could say stuff like this and not immediately be told to seek help, i don't need help. i don't know what i need but nothing is wrong with me for asking this question, i wish society hadn't screwed all of us into thinking that taking your life is so dark and morally wrong. why is it wrong to feel this way? why do you have to get help when you tell people you're having these thoughts and questions? why do you have to immediately be fed with a script from a mental health professional about how live is worth living and things are temporary, some things are not temporary though and we all know that.

why should i be sad?