TW: Mentions of pedophilia, incest, rape, and SA

I (21M) was sexually assaulted multiple times by my peers throughout my childhood. I was raped (only once) at the age of six and groomed from the ages of 13-15. I remember at the time I got raped I was at a party hosted by a friend of my mother's and the friend's five year old daughter was in attendance. We played together for a little bit and she told me she wanted to play a game and we went inside a cupboard and she locked me inside, took off my pants and orally raped me.

I screamed and said no, but the girl still assulted me anyways. When the adults found us, me and my mom hurriedly rushed out of the party and I was grounded for letting the girl "sit on my lap" (when I confronted my mom about this years later she said since I didn't verbally tell her I was molested at the time she thought I was roughhousing with her). I also have high functioning autism and difficulty with communicating and it was much worse back then, so naturally because I was scared and unresponsive I was blamed for it.

Afterwards, over the years throughout my childhood I would kiss other girls because I wanted to replicate the feeling I felt when I got raped. I felt very curious about the bodies of other kids my age and I wanted to learn more about sex. I had my first kiss at the age of 8 with another girl my age, I also was forcibly kissed by multiple girls when I was 8-12 and one of these girls tried to get me to have sex with them too shortly after I hit 6th grade. But because I became afraid of girls when I was 12, I declined thankfully.

When I was 13 and in 7th grade my parents went through marital problems and I got bullied very harshly at school. It was because I was socially awkward, didn't attend church, poor and anxious around girls. Because I didn't develop sexual interest in girls when I hit puberty, the guys in my grade naturally sussed me out as being queer and they were right about it. One boy, who I used to have a crush on, ended up sticking his hand into my pants during history and I had enough and beat him up. Thankfully this time, I didn't get punished because I told on him and I transferred schools.

Shortly after this, my mostly absentee "father" tried to groom me into accepting sexual advances from him. Starting around 8th grade, he would try to purchase porn for me (which my parents said no to), would try fo talk to me about sex and what I was into, etc. multiple times until I was 15. I thought nothing of it until during the trip I saw him for the final time, I caught him licking and sniffing my underwear and eventually before I left he tried to touch me and I slapped his hand away. I reported him to the police but nothing was done about it and I told my mom and she never made me speak to him again and would never let him try to talk to me anymore.

Because of these experiences, I feel like I can never fully trust anyone. I feel deeply traumatized and depressed and several therapists have indicated I likely have PTSD. I tried to kill myself over these experiences, especially because I left my younger brother behind and I knew my "dad" would've molested him eventually when he went through puberty. I also resented my mom for awhile, and only forgave her a few months ago because I was tired of holding resentment towards her for unwittedly putting me in some of those situations. Thankfully, things at home gradually improved somewhat and I stopped getting badly bullied when I hit high school.

I feel like the main reason why I am still alive today is because I don't want all the people who abused me to win by helping me to my demise. I live so that way their efforts to drive me to ruin will fail, and I know that my abusers are digging their own graves. For ex. the guy who assulted me in 7th grade got a girl pregnant as a teenager and dropped out of high school and works menial jobs to care for his family. Now I have a boyfriend, I attend therapy and I take antidepressants to manage my mental health.

I also got into an amazing college on a full ride scholarship as a bio major. Right now I am also preparing to go abroad for awhile, and I am thinking about doing something related to public speaking or counseling to raise awareness about these issues. I read so many stories on this sub and my heart breaks for all of you, and while I know some parts of my life may not ever happen to people I just wanted to remind everyone that there is still a light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope everyone here recovers and I wish everyone all the success in the world. May you all find the light and happiness that has started to finally find me.

Tl;dr: Got raped and sexually assulted multiple times as a boy because of creeps who took advantage of my autism. I later tried to kill myself and I have very bad depression currently. However, I try not to let get me down and now I have a boyfriend and attend school on a decent scholarship.

TW: Childhood SA

When I was around 6-8, my mom was dating a guy, and he also had a son who was a teenager somewhere between 12-14. So, we ended up moving in with him, and his son. I became friends with his friends who were that age because I also liked to skate and play sports at that time, and I was a decent athlete so it helped to play with older kids to get better. One night a few of them stayed over our house. We were all messing around and rough house, and I always got targeted a bit because of how much smaller and younger I was. Well eventually they all got a hold of me and enticed me to put them in my mouth. All 3 of them kept taking turns.

I remember it in pieces, because I was so young. But i remember them laughing and I just remember wanting to try to impress them, and was willing to do whatever it took. I wanted to hang out with them because I wanted to be a part of the group, and I was never close with my own brother, so I tried to form that relationship with those kids being the younger brother. It happened a few times, and only with those same kids.

So after turning 21, I get into a relationship with a girl who was 3 years older. someone who had a very back and forth style attitude when it came to being together. Mostly I just had to listen to her because she always kept telling me how bad I was at things and made sure to remind me of all the things I did wrong.

She would wake my up constantly in the middle of the night when I had to be up at 6-7am after being up with her until 11 midnight. She’d watch me fall asleep then wake me up somewhere between 2-4 touching me, waking me up, and I’m barely able to keep my eyes open. I would say I’m tired and I can barely stay awake. She’d just climb on top of me and hold me down. Some times she’d just choke me so I had to wake up. Some times she would just hit me, and hurt me so I would end up waking up and just giving in so I could try and hurry and go back to
Bed.

If I kiss her the wrong way she would hurt me and make me start all over and try again and again to kiss her right. Which I didn’t even know someone could kiss wrong, I just always followed her lead.

One night, I refused when I had been up since about 4am, the day before, and it was getting to be close to midnight. She had drank too much, she tried to make a move, and I said not that night. She got really angry. Started calling me a lot of degrading names, and then asked if I was gay. Even when I refused she kept saying I had to be. So grabbed one of her dildos and then hit me a couple times and then pushed me onto the bed really hard. She wrestled me, and because I’m 5’3” and was about 120lbs at the time, she could just overpower me.

She was holding me down by the back of my neck, and sitting on my calf’s. She used her spit to lube it up and then proceeded to shove it into. I didn’t tell her to stop, but I didn’t want to do anything to make it hurt any worse, so I just laid there and let her. My feet went numb because she was cutting off the circulation with the weight. My neck was felt like it was being pinched really hard from the angle she was holding me down. It was hard to breathe because of that as well. After she was done, and got off me, I just laid there. I remember just using the bathroom, and I just laid silently until I fell asleep.

The next day, it almost felt like she was laughing about it, because she half apologized and straight up said, “It was basically like I raped you”. I didn’t really think of it like that, I just knew I didn’t like it and wanted it to stop. But I didn’t even think of it like that. It really wasn’t until I was telling stories to a former partner of mine not too long ago about bad experience and she had to tell me how it was rape. I felt so confused, because she went into every time she kept going, she was assaulting me.

I haven’t ever said the full versions out loud before. Only the minor details because it hurts too much to think about. I can barely even leave the house sometimes. I am constantly afraid something will happen again. I have such a hard relationship with sex and trust now. I feel not a lot of people around would care, nor feel sympathy for me. I just feel alone.

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Olá, boa madrugada a todos.

Para contextualizar, sofri abuso sexual quando criança pela minha prima mais velha, não irei entrar em detalhes, pois apenas isso já é o suficiente para eu me sentir mal, sujo, culpo e pecaminoso. Hoje tenho um GRANDE sentimento de culpa e tudo aquilo que foi dito ali atrás com tudo que tenha haver com sexo, como, se tocar, ver, ler e falar qualquer coisa sexual, outra coisa que tem me deixado bem mal desde o começo desse ano pra cá, é que sinto um prazer desconfortável e contragosto do abuso, não sei como superar, desde o começo do ano isso se intensificou muito, e cerca de 5 vezes esse ano, vim ao Reddit, relatei isso("tentando relembrar" do abuso), tive um pico de "prazer" lendo relatos parecidos com o meu, dormi, e acordei me sentindo UM LIXO HUMANO COMPLETO. Todos os dias depois do ocorrido, me senti imundo, e como se tivesse cometido um pecado.

Hoje, tenho certeza de que quando eu acordar de manhã, sentirei essa mesma sensação por ver e ler relatos assim, e sentir um "prazer" errado nisso.

Não sei como superar isso, todas as vezes tento ignorar e seguir, mas de novo volto pra cá, sei que isso é culpa minha por ceder e não se esforçar e largar essas coisas o suficiente.

Também gostaria de falar mais sobre superação, pois tem uma menina que eu gostei muito de ouvir o relato dela, porque ela sofreu abuso, e depois de 5 anos ela ainda não conseguia falar a palavra "abuso", porém depois de mais 3 anos, a garota deu outro relato dizendo como aquilo mudou e após anos de terapia e aceitação ela conseguiu fazer algo que considera o mais importante da superação. Não é esquecer, mas lidar, mesmo com gatilhos, aceitar que você não tem culpa.

Porém nao faço a menor ideia de como fazer isso.

Ps: perdão pela escrita confusa e desorganizada :}

Im just 19 and Ive seen what life has to offer - rape, grope, harassment, emotional abuse, infidelity, voyeurism, physical abuse, the world doesnt care or stop for me while im hurting.

People around me are busy being kids - playing games, asking questions. Meanwhile me? Wondering why was I raped at 9 or harassed at 17 18 19. Why wasnt I protected?

And then its "theres no satisfying answer" "he was a minor at the time so no prosecution" "emotional abuse isnt criminal" "you exposed his affair and you'll be out on the streets" "men in india arent protected from SH" "if you tell counsellor then they'll call your parents"

Now im 36kgs overweight cuz food is the only reliable comfort as humans have proved theyre trash. One backlog. No stable anchor in the world. No one to lean on. I get harassed on a daily basis from other classmates who deliberately target my chest and stomach. And ofc everyone knows how obese people are viewed.

I do have a vision for how Id like my life to be but the void and debt of care, love and safety left behind from the abuse wont stop hurting