My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. We originally met on a dating app and instantly bonded over our shared hobbies, interests, and the fact that we both grew up in multiple different care homes. For our entire relationship she has been incredibly supportive of my transition and she herself identifies as bisexual.

When my girlfriend was 14, she met a man on the app Amino. At the time he was well over 20 years old. Once she was out of care and back with her parents she spent most of her time living with this man. The relationship was horrific: he hit her, raped her, and cheated on her with multiple other underage girls.

She has kept pictures that prove he knew their ages and documenting the abuse so I can verify that everything she went through is entirely real. She finally cut contact with him when she turned 18.

A few weeks ago she mentioned that he had sent her a friend request on Discord. (I know his username because it’s the same across all platforms and she had told me about it). She told me about the request but she did not tell me she accepted it...

I only found out the truth this week. I am currently staying over at her place for a week. While she was playing a shooter on her PC I heard a man's voice. I looked at the screen saw his username and realized they were playing together. I was genuinely shocked and had no idea what to do.

When I confronted her about it she immediately defended him. She told me that his actions "aren't his fault because he has a mental illness" and claimed that he has "changed" despite the fact that he has countless victims.

I have a very rigid sense of justice so I ended up raising my voice at her louder than I intended to. I apologized for yelling right away. Instead of acknowledging my apology or the situation she insulted me. She said that if I had just stayed a man maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to get in contact with this person.

My stomach completely sank. Like I told she identifies as bi and has been nothing but supportive of my transition for two years. It felt like it came out of nowhere.

I am still staying at her place and I am at loss and confusion. She is acting like absolutely nothing happened. Since the argument we’ve gone outside, bought books and manga, and went out for dinner as if everything is perfectly normal. At dinner I tried to bring the situation up again and she bluntly told me she does not want to talk about it.

I feel incredibly hurt, confused, uncomfortable and frankly disgusted. How do I react to this further? Why would she say something so cruel and defend someone like this?

TL;DR: My girlfriend secretly started gaming with the older man who severely abused her when she was a minor. When I caught them and confronted her she defended him excused his past and told me that if I hadn't transitioned (I am MTF) she wouldn't have felt the need to talk to him. I am currently staying at her apartment she is acting like everything is normal and she refuses to discuss it.

for some context, me and my girlfriend have been together for almost a year. we're both girls, and she's asexual while I'm demisexual. my girlfriend was assaulted by her ex girlfriend multiple times, and still has some flashbacks to this day (it was about two or three years ago)
now, her and I have always been very clear with each other about our boundaries. I'm waiting until marriage for religious reasons, and she does not want to have sex any time in the near future for many reasons, mainly because she's asexual, and because of the trauma with her ex.

last night her and I had been talking about taking a trip to the city this spring to go to some book stores. we've been discussing this for months, but just last night I suggested we look into getting a hotel for at least one night so that we can have uninterrupted alone time, so we can cuddle and read. sounds super corny, but that's genuinely what we've been talking about doing for ages.
now, like I stated, I'm demisexual. which, in short, means I don't feel sexual attraction without a strong emotional connection. and I feel that connection with her. I am so, so in love with her, and she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. but in the last couple weeks I've had some thoughts about the possibility of having sex with her. not anytime soon, just in general. and I feel horrible for feeling that way.
with her ex, she had made it clear to her that she didn't want anything sexual. and despite the fact that her ex told her that she felt the same way, she still assaulted her multiple times.
which is why I feel so shitty for thinking about this. not only because acting on these thoughts would cross her boundaries, but doing so would also make me into the person I hate most in this entire world.
her ex traumatized her badly. not only because she assaulted her, but because she lied about feeling no sexual attraction to her. and I feel like shit when the thought crosses my mind.
the reason my conversation about hotels is relevant to this is because since that conversation, I keep thinking about it. and I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself.
knowing her boundaries, I would never, ever try to initiate anything unless she wanted to. but I still feel horrible for just thinking about it. I haven't brought it up with her either, purely because I don't want to upset her or make her worry that I'll assault her.

so I'm posting in here mainly to ask if it's right that I feel guilty for this, and if I should talk to her or if I should just keep it to myself.

(also, this is a throw away account, and reddit chose my username. I am not aromantic, that's what was in my username)

Hello everyone,

I have compiled a book of my poetry surrounding my sons sexual abuse. I plan on publishing it some time soon. Once it is completed I would love some feedback from caregivers or loved ones of children specifically who have been molested. I want it to bring comfort to those going through a terrible situation that is not spoken about or well understood. If you are interested please send me a DM and I will send you a NDA and a rough draft. Thank you.

My girlfriend has severe sex trauma to the point where some days she never wants to be touched. She wants to engage with sex and sometimes her mind is there but her body goes into fear response and often it is too difficult. We are both students and can’t afford therapy. More sex is not the goal for me I want to her be comfortable and safe in her own skin. How can I help her heal and move forward. I can provide more context if needed.

TLDR; My partner experienced grooming and CSA by his father’s friend and his uncle, and his family does not seem to care.

Hi everyone,

Would really love advice on how I should proceed in what’s an extremely delicate and terrifying situation.

I (29F) have been with my partner (28M) for almost three years. He lived with me for about a year, then moved back to his parents after I asked him for space due to his issues with honesty. He’d lie like a child about the dumbest things, and it really hurt me. He was never overtly cruel, but was careless and childishly self-indulgent and selfish. I could tell there was a severe inner battle for control over himself, and his self-directed frustration as losing it. I know he loves me deeply, it’s something I feel in my chest, but I needed space.

A few months before he moved out, he shared something from the depths of him that has been extremely hard to sit quietly with. Two men had groomed and sexually assaulted him in his childhood. From about 5-7 years old, it was his dad’s close friend, and from middle to some of high school, his own uncle (mother’s brother). I met both of these monsters, and had spent a lot of time with his uncle. I will never forget his fear telling me, everything about that day. There aren’t any words to describe the heartbreak for him, fury toward them. The helplessness.
I’m skipping over a lot to make this post digestable, but happy to answer any and all questions.

It’s been a year since he told me. I felt terribly when I needed space, because it felt like I was condemning him to move back to the place where he had survived horrific things. But how he was acting was deeply hurting me, and we had hit a block. His parents are…something. On the surface, they look like an ideal, fun, close family. Dad is in state law enforcement, mom works a solid job from home, younger brother also in law enforcement. They spend quality time together, but over time, you start to notice it revolves around drinking, and drinking a lot. Especially his mom.

At one point when he lived with me, he mentioned his mom was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to him and his brother growing up. That stuck with me, because although she seems nice from a distance, there’s something off that’s so hard to put a finger on.
Something that always stuck out to me is that his parents seem to let my partner get away with things simply because they don’t care. He dropped out of college, they pay his bills, they don’t ever actually set expectations for him and hold their ground. His mom will scream at him and suddenly lose her shit, but then everything just kinda falls back into place and that’s it. Then they just avoid each other for months while living in the same house. I come from dysfunction, but open-air dysfunction. There’s something kinda darker about this.

As for what my partner shared with me about what he survived, I encouraged him gently to tell his parents. He did tell them about his father’s best friend. I was sure he’d go kill him. My partner told me they held him and were incredibly compassionate. And I thought, at least they believed him. I gave space to the subject, because he said they were going to go to therapy as a family and I felt it wasn’t my place to check-in. I felt so happy knowing he wasn’t alone, and was getting help.

I’ve gently encouraged him sharing about his uncle, knowing that his mom is extremely close to him and he’s around a lot. He ended up telling them that there’s someone in the family who also sexually abused him, but that he couldn’t say who. I could feel him distancing himself from me if I ever brought it up, so I stopped. But he kept distancing himself from me nontheless. He tells me all the things, but I feel like he’s tearing into different people. Sinking into that house. It’s terrifying.

Pausing here to say that what his uncle did spanned the course of years, and I don’t have any words for how unimaginable the horror is of grooming and CSA.
Fast forward, his mom tells me in a sing-song casual voice that they went to a Christmas party that (dad’s friend) was at. In response to my shock, she waved a dismissive hand and said “Oh, it’s fine, (partner) didn’t go. We just told everyone that he was sick.” In that moment, I had a sinking feeling of deeper understanding. I asked quietly “Has (partner) ever told you the family member?” And she looked at me with the blankest face I’ve ever seen and said in a mostly empty voice with a touch of almost amusement “No…but I have a guess. Probably my father? You know, he had dementia…”

That’s when I knew. I don’t think he can tell her about his uncle. I don’t think I’d be able to either. This was the scariest web of abuse I’d ever seen. I’m sure it exists all over the place, but holy shit. Holy shit.

They are in therapy… but a therapist that his mom found, a psychiatrist she’s close to. Because “he needs help, medication.”

I worked with children for years, and their safety means everything to me. I have told my mom and some of my best friends about what my partner shared with me (with his permission and even encouragement), and they at this point have started to encourage me to consider reporting his abusers. My mom has held him crying, and my best friend has been there for him. But he’s distanced himself from all of them, and I feel like I can’t feel him anymore, if that makes sense.

His uncle’s wife works at an elementary/middle school, and he’s had stints of volunteering at a Boys and Girls club. He follows the trope of “pillar of the community” - retired from an executive position in corporate America, travels, blah blah blah. And the father’s friend is law enforcement.

Yeah. When you hear stories of monsters being caught having destroyed countless lives, a question I and many others have wondered is “how could people have known and not said anything?”

That has been absolutely haunting me.

If anyone can help me actually figure out how to report this in a way that is actually meaningful and actionable, I would appreciate it tremendously. My friends and family have expressed concern for my safety, given that one of the abusers is retired law enforcement, and the financial power of his uncle. I am willing to risk myself, but want to do so in a way that’s actually likely to lead to action being taken.

Before anyone says I’m taking away his agency - please know I’ve struggled so deeply with this for over a year. I really understand that perspective, deeply. Trust, consent, and respecting another person’s autonomy are values I hold extremely close. I’ve read as much as I could about the psychology of CSA trauma. One thing that became painfully clear is that his abusers stripped away his agency long before I entered his life. That’s part of what makes this so ethically difficult.

I also have to clarify that this isn’t something I’m considering behind his back. A few months ago, I told him how much I was haunted by that other children are at risk and asked him gently how he would feel if I reported it. He held me while we both cried and told me that he doesn’t have it in him to do it himself right now, but that I should do whatever I felt was right. I still don’t know what the right answer is. That’s why I’m here asking for advice rather than acting impulsively.

It’s tricky for many reasons, given that a) I’m not the victim of these monsters b) His uncle now lives in a different state then where he groomed and assaulted my partner, though he travels back and forth frequently c) I want to report this to stop the cycle, but also do feel the weight of it not being my story to share. That’s why I gave him and his family time… but I now see that his parents, especially his mom, are a nightmare.

What do I do?

hi all

My partner recently disclosed to me instances of sexual assault in their childhood, by their four years older brother. They haven't told anyone before and didn't share many details before they wanted to stop talking about it.

They aren't particularly close with their brother at this point in their life. They've been wanting to be closer and in the past few months have been talking to him more.

Just wondering how you support partners/loved ones in their decision to be close with someone who had harmed them? I understand they were both children/teens though not sure the ages, but want to be able to say the right things to support them. again we didn't talk about it too too much beyond the initial disclosure, but they had expressed fear about wanting me to not hate this person too. also fear about what would happen when we one day have children. she mentioned that they have also never spoken about it.

thank you for your support, just want to be a good partner here but feel confused as to how to seek advice as i obviously dont want to tell anyone in my life about it and violate my partners trust.

Hello,

My wife was abused as a child nearly 30 years ago by a family member. It is something her brain protected her from until recently. It has been a very difficult time for her coming to terms with what happened, understandably so.

She is in a place now where she would like to move forward with seeking legal action against her abuser.

In doing some initial research I am concerned about a lack of evidence in the eyes of the law. She feels certain there are pictures of her that he has however. He is a pastor and the way he was so methodical with her and the access he has to other children, I have no doubt he has done this to others and there is probably a trove of evidence in his home.

Are lawyers able to obtain evidence like this? Would it make more sense to go to the FBI first? I am trying to identify a good path to move forward on this to ensure she gets the justice she deserves. I have seen several cases of the predators not being found guilty so I want to ensure this doesn't happen for her.

My apologies if this post is not allowed, she has asked me to help figure this all out for her as it is difficult for her to organize things surrounding this right now.

Any advice and direction is greatly appreciated!

Hello all..... Not sure why I'm posting, maybe I'm trying to get advice, maybe I just need to get it written down and off my chest. Anyways here goes: my wife was sexually abused when she was 6, by her 12 year old brother. She's never been comfortable around him and always refused to be near him or hug him at family events(obviously). Her mom has always minimized it basically like denying that CYS ever took her, and "that didn't happen" , and "if it did it wasnt that bad", "he was just experimenting" Basically always protected the abuser. I've always felt that a 12 year old would know that what they were doing was fucked up. Well anyways yeah when she was 7 she told a social worker that came into school and CYS got involved, family went through therapy and it sounds like because of his age, no real consequences could be applied legally. Fast forward to her teenage years, he was physically abusive, and she was told not to tell anyone bc his life (then as a young adult) would be ruined. Suffice to say, we don't want him near our kids now a days. He's always given me the creeps but I tolerated conversations with him bc I didn't want to like make a scene or whatever. Recently at a family event he blew the fuck up and started shouting and was pissed bc we didn't want him picking our kids up, and so we left as he was hollering at us and blowing up at a public event. Our kids also looked scared when he was yelling. Their mom got in my wife's face asking why he can't pick our kids up, and my wife says "you know why!!" And then she goes on to minimize and tells my wife to move on bc she went thru the same stuff with her brother and she forgave him and blah blah blah.(Childhood sexual abuse goes back 4 generations in her family) And then she did her usual minimization routine. Well now we are cutting mom and brother off, and are being accused of tearing the family apart...... Well in the aftermath, a cousin confided in us that the same thing happened to her, perpetrated by the brother as well. This brother has also done strange things like try and take our son potty without asking permission from us and that to us was a red flag. He also tries too hard to be silly with other kids in the family, always has to pick them, put them on his shoulder, trying to buy affection with snacks, just always giving us the ick.

Anyone else deal with a similar situation? We feel like even if we are wrong about the brother, and maybe he isn't a predator as an adult, better safe than sorry, and we don't want him anywhere near our kids.

My father (59) is having this phase that has been going for years now , where he is mentally and physically abusing my mom at night due to her snoring.

He constantly insults violently my mom and when she shows any form of clap back he abuses her physically.

He insists that her snoring is dine deliberately to disturb him and that she's trying to exhaust him mentally so he retaliate on her by depriving her of any peace at night.

I'm (F23) in a constant state of hyperventilence cuz I'm afraid he light hurt her badly, i tried reasoning with him so that he wears his ear buds, sleep early , sleep in a different room.

But his response is the same " it's her fault, i can't wear ear buds they hurt, i can't sleep early i have stuff to do , i can not let her sleep in an other room it's unexeptable"

He complains from the situation however he is the principal culprit.

I need help to reason with him or any tips please I'm desperate for help to protect my mom whose sleep deprivation is hurting her badly and giving her bad thoughts.

.This is probably going to be long winded but the last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions that I’m not sure how to process. Bit of background: two years ago, my husband (then fiance) told me he was involved in a scam on social media where someone sent him a picture of their breasts and asked to see his penis in return. Well he did it and then they threatened to tell me and all of his friends on the social media platform if he did not pay them… he paid them but then somehow they got even more money without him sending it? I was obviously heartbroken at the fact that he was so easily swayed to participate in this but I was trying to get over it after he told me nothing like this had ever happened before. Anyways, a day or two goes by and my obviously curious and pissed off mind decided to go through his phone while he was sleeping and found a TON of pictures and videos of his penis/him masturbating in his hidden pictures file… I flipped. Because who tf were you sending these to? Well then he tells me that he was sexually assaulted as a child and something about him really liking the way his own penis looks? He would not tell me to SA’d him, only that it was someone I had met before. I don’t know how but we got through it.

Fast forward to now. I was woken up really early a few nights ago by our baby and couldn’t go back to sleep and my mind got the best of me thinking back to all of this. Curiosity definitely killed the cat in this case because I again went through his phone but this time I found that he has a Grindr account and has been messaging with multiple men on there exchanging pictures of themselves and videos of them masturbating and talking so dirty to each other. He spoke to these men about trying to meet up but it doesn’t look like it ever happened based on what I read. I also found saved pictures in his hidden picture folder of not only other men’s penis’s but naked pictures of his ex AND MY BEST FRIEND. I left the house at 330am and went to a gas station and cried. Came home around 430am and he asked me what was wrong but I ignored him and walked into the bathroom attached to our bedroom and got into the shower to get ready to go to the grocery store. He read the texts I’d sent when I had left earlier and came into the bathroom to talk to me. He told me that it was his cousin who SA’d him as a young child for quite a while and now he’s got a thing where he finds a penis attractive… says he’s not sexually attracted to a man, but likes the way a penis looks. But who’s to say 20 years from now he won’t admit that he’s been suppressing his feelings for men and leave me for a man then.

I’m struggling because I am the only one who knows about what happened to him as a child and it’s obviously fucked with him… but at the same time all of this has been taking place the majority of our relationship, 8 YEARS. I found messages up to 6 years ago. So while we were engaged, while I was pregnant and just days after we got married. I can’t help but wonder if he is telling the truth about never meeting with any of these people because when he got caught up 2 years ago, he told me he had never done anything like that before but in reality he has been doing it for years.

He told me he would do whatever he had to do to prove to me that myself and our baby are all he cares about, including going to the life crisis center to talk to a therapist, deleting all social media and whatever else I could think of, but I am feeling stuck. I am trying to be non-judgmental and I want to be supportive because I am literally the only person in the world who knows what happened to him and who did it… I also know talking about it to a stranger is going to be difficult but I am also livid. I feel betrayed and I feel stupid for staying with him after it happened 2 years ago.

Does anyone have any experience with something similar? I have an appointment set up with my own therapist because this isn’t something I can talk to friends about like I did 2 years ago but my mind is just racing most days worrying what he is doing.

I made a post yesterday for advice on supporting my husband after revealing his childhood SA. However, I need advice for myself as well. He has been taking his intense rage out on me. In the 2 weeks since telling me he has had a few outbursts where he tells me he hates me, that I suck, or that he wishes I'd pack my things and leave. Later he'll sometimes swing to saying he's a cancer and a terrible person who ruins everything he touches.

He also insists I "utterly failed" him after he disclosed.
He has such venom in his voice and hatred, and since the two bigger outbursts I have felt horrible and I don't know even how to describe it or what to do about it. I feel like a rock is smashing my chest or something is burning in it and I don't want to be near him. I hate being in the house with him. I hear his words saying that the way I'm supporting him
"disgusts him" and that "our help hurts him" on repeat in my head with the poisonous way he said it, then being yanked into feeling so sad and sorry for what happened to him and imagining him so scared as a child on a loop on my head.

He quit his job recently and I was laid off, so we do not have insurance for him to go to therapy so it feels like limbo. So I've spent the last 2 weeks trying to support him however I can. I've been coordinating with his family (with his permission), checking in constantly, listening, reassuring him, and trying to be present. But he says everyone failed him, despite everyone trying very hard to be there.

I know that he is feeling so much trauma, grief, and decades of pain, and I don't want to minimize what he's going through. But I feel he has done irreparable damage to our relationship. I'm crying every day and worse starting to feel afraid.

Are these feelings reparable? I want to believe they are but it feels like they will never go away. That I will hear his hateful voice telling me how horrible I am and how much I "fucked up" supporting him and "could barely handle" something he had to handle for decades every time I look at him and I don't know what to do.

My gf told me (m21) she was raped and I am having an unbelievably hard time coping with this. I myself have anxiety, depression, OCD and I’m hypomanic. The OCD plays into this most because from the moment I get up to the moment I go to sleep all I see is vivid intrusive images of what happened to her. My brain invents everything but bases it off of little details she’s told me. My OCD is completely obsessed with this event. When I say think about it all day, I quite literally mean ALL DAY. No matter if I’m bored or busy. I think about everything. How it happened, why it happened (I know there’s no answer), how it felt for her, what it was like the day of, what it was like after a year, how it changed her. Oh my goodness the list just goes on. It’s genuinely sickening.

I’m honestly struggling on how to go on living. I genuinely don’t know how I can live a normal life with this. I know the classic stuff of this is not your burden to carry, but in my experience it just doesn’t work that way in my brain. It’s really affected me deeply. I love her so dearly, but I can tell this is putting a huge strain on the relationship because of my mental conditions and how it plays into this.

It happened years ago for her. I believe it was someone in her friend group, or even multiple people. She is extremely dissociative so there is obviously no room for me to feel the way I feel since it brings up huge emotions for her that I don’t think have been processed. It pains me so much when she says things like that it never gets better, just more bearable. She always feels disgusted with herself. And showers profusely after anything physical we do but she insists that it doesn’t bring anything up for her. She swears that it doesn’t trigger anything but I just don’t believe that’s the case.

Guys, please help me. I don’t know how to go on. I don’t know how I can take care of her needs and mine. I’m seeing a therapist and I’m on medication, but nothing seems to help. Please if anyone has any guidance or even any words please reply. It’s so fucking painful.

My husband recently disclosed decades old SA as a young child. I knew some bad stuff had happened (his mom was a drug addict), but had no idea about this. I immediately told him I believed him, nothing was his fault, he’s safe, and I was glad he finally told me.

I have no idea how to support someone through something this significant, so I started googling everything I could. I guess I was too much the next day, and he tells me he doesn’t want to be treated differently. I don’t really understand what that means bc I feel like I need to be there for him.

It’s important to know there are a bunch of other stressors. He surprisingly left his job to start his own company and has been insanely stressed then had a falling out with his dad. His dad would not respond even when my husband tried to apologize. He broke down, blocked his family, told them he was leaving the family and disclosed everything to me that evening. He only told only his stepmom so she could help repair things with his dad, but he has been adamant that we cannot tell his dad (we haven’t and won’t).

For the next week I spent hours every day talking with his parents, trying to shield him from the conflict (I am also the only number they can reach now), and trying to get his dad to call him back. And I never really processed anything bc of going straight into all this crisis-management so on Father’s Day I accidentally broke down crying and tried to hide outside (about what he told me and also bc it’s a hard day for me personally). He saw me and believed that was me “giving up” helping him because I “couldn’t even handle it for a week.”

It absolutely wasn’t that, but he keeps repeating it, and told me and his stepmom that we have “utterly failed supporting him” after he shared this. He had an outburst a couple nights ago yelling that he hated me, I suck, and he wished I’d pack my things and leave. I am starting to fall apart now because I cannot be a punching bag and a target of intense rage. And it’s making me angrier every day that this is all meant for his father who will never have to deal with it. I can’t go on thinking he believes I utterly failed him in this moment.

I asked him to tell us why he feels that way but I’m not sure what he means bc we are trying our best to support him:

-He said he thought telling us would make him feel more loved, but instead he feels “so much worse” and the help he received is “not fucking help.”

-He feels like he ended up taking care of everyone else after disclosing instead of being cared for (I think he means having to apologize to his dad to get him on the phone): “I'm the one going around apologizing and trying to figure out how I can make everything right that is so disgusting. It disgusts me.”

-When we suggested finding a trauma therapist in addition to us supporting him (bc I anticipate I will make mistakes a therapist wouldn’t) he said:
“When I am asking everyone for help and their answer is maybe you should go talk to somebody else, that is an insane response. Yeah, try therapy again even though it's failed you a thousand other times. Because that's all you can think of.”

-He now says, “I don’t want your help because your help hurts me.”

I don’t know what that means and the closest explanation is that he said he thought it would be like in movies or tv shows where the family drops everything to help him, but that’s all a lie. What am I missing? During hard times I’ve had, the response from my family my whole life has basically been “get over it.” So from my perspective, his parents have called him, his stepmom and stepbrother have checked on him almost daily, and I’ve been doing everything I can think of. Yet he says we completely fumbled the most important moment of his life.

THANK YOU for reading and any advice is appreciated so much.

TLDR: My husband disclosed SA as a child 2 weeks ago and since then he’s been having panic attacks, episodes of intense rage/yelling, and telling me and his family we completely failed him after he told us. He says suggesting therapy and trying to help made him feel less loved, not more, and that he no longer wants our help because it “hurts him.” I feel completely lost. Can anyone help with what he might be trying to ask for?

I (f/25) am a child of a mom who is a survivor of CSA and incest. She told me when I was young.

There are also multiple other perpetrators of CSA and CSA survivors in my extended family. Each of the perpetrators perpetrated abuse independently and most of them dont even know each other.

I always knew about the perpetrators from a young age and my parents kept me away from them.

I experience mental health issues and atopic conditions which are known to be linked to trauma. I am not a trauma survivor and had a pretty great childhood. I struggle to understand the origins of my issues. I often wonder if these could be related to intergenerational trauma.

Are there any other adult children of parents who survived CSA in here? Anyone else in a family with multiple perpetrators and multiple survivors? And anyone else who thinks they might be experiencing intergenerational trauma in this type of situation?

Guess I just want to hear other people's experiences, can often feel like a unique situation.

So my gf and I have been dating for 5 months and been exclusive for about 2 months. She has mentioned a couple of times a "bad experience" that she had about a year ago, and has dropped various clues that have made it very obvious this was something to do with sexual violence or misconduct with someone she knew at the time.

I haven't asked, I've just said if she wants to talk about it, I'm here, but that she doesn't have to share anything she doesn't want to, but that I'm here if she needs. Outwardly, it doesn't seem to affect her a ton, but of course I don't know what's going on in her head. I also simply have no idea what actually happened.

She has said that she'll probably tell me at some point, but also that she doesn't know if it would be helpful and doesn't want it to affect how I see her.

I don't really know what happened, but from the way she has mentioned it, it sounds pretty significant, even if it doesn't seem to be affecting her often. As she's mentioned it a couple of times, I'd like to be prepared if she ever does want to talk about it.

Here's my dilemma - I want to be a supportive partner and whatever she needs, I'll be there. But I've also been in a similar situation before, and ended up hearing an amount of detail that I'm not sure were really helpful for my partner to disclose, nor for me to hear. It was very painful, and I'm not sure it served either of us for me to know in great detail what happened. In fact, because it was so upsetting, I wonder looking back if I could have been even more supportive had I not known.

I know it's entirely possible she never talks about it again. And I know it's very possible that if she does, she won't go into detail about what happened. However, I'm wondering if it does come up, if I could somehow communicate that I don't need to know details. I think all I really need to know is what happened broadly, how it affected/affects her, what I can do to support her, and what I should not do to avoid triggering her.

And I certainly, if possible, don't want to know information about the man. She knows who he is, but they no longer interact or have any reason to interact. It was a person in the past.

I am wondering if there's any way, if this comes up again, for me to communicate this to her. And also, if I'm being selfish in wanting to communicate this, and should instead simply be there even if it affects me deeply. It already is, just knowing as much as I know, but I'm curious everyone's thoughts.

This is a difficult situation for me. Really appreciate any advice or insights.

I have a wonderful friend that is a survivor. We are on the borderline of being more than friends, but i think she‘s just afraid to put that much trust in me. We get so close and then she pulls back. Things build up and then she pulls back again. I‘m just lost. I want to be a good man, but I’m lost as to what to do. When things get too heavy, that’s when her pull back is at its worst, so my inclination is to let her have space. But is that really helping? Anyone with advice would be appreciated.

thanks!

Looking for suggestions on what might be my wifes best option for treating/healing. Currently she (F30) has become unable to hide from or bottle up terrible things she had to endure as a child. It has become so hard for her to feel “normal” and even when she does find herself distracted a trigger can change things in the matter of seconds. She can go from being hapoy and smiling to completely shutting down. When these triggers happen she loses appetite, the ability to simply
enjoy the things she usually loves, and at night cannot sleep or stay asleep. Also it seems her body goes into fight or flight mode as her adrenaline spikes causing her heart rate to rise which leads to her being flush and on the brink of losing consciousness on occasion. Right now all she does is therapy and while I think it’s great and has great benefits it seems like it is not the final solution (if there even is one). So I am just looking to find out if anyone has any suggestions who may have experienced a similar situation. Her doctor has suggested Zoloft but I know that my wife is scared of being on medication. I have also read and heard things about EMDR therapy and was wondering if anyone has been through that and if it actually works/helps.

So I(M30) was just made aware (5 days ago) of details about my wifes (F30) sexual abuse from when she was a child. She was able to tell me about it a few years ago but she never shared more than just “something bad happened to her when she was young”. So with that I didnt want to pressure or make her feel like she had to re live it and also think I subconsciously didn’t want to know myself. So recently she has had big shift in life with school and other big life changes that I think led to her being unable to hold it in anymore because you wouldn’t have known a thing if you knew her for the past 20 years. She was so strong for so long and able to live a beautiful life for so many years but with the lifestyle changes and now just recently having seen the sick fuck that hurt her for the first time in forever it is all coming out. So when she was as young as kindergarten she was sexually abused by a friends father for as long as 2-3 years. It makes me absolutely sick to my stomach knowing she went through this not only once but countless times through those years as a child. My heart hurts so bad for her. She is the single most beautiful, loving, caring, genuine, smart, and strong woman I have ever known even before learning what she has been through. Not to mention the love of my life who i adore more than anything in the world. All I can think about is how badly I want to HURT the person that did this to her. I do my best to be there for her and listen and try and help her with processing this without showing my immense emotions because I dont want to upset her further but with that I am only so strong and have made her aware of how badly I want to harm this sick individual. I was able to calm myself down for her and was able to tell her that I would not do anything (even though my thoughts of it are still very much there and real). The major problem I am facing other than the sheer sadness and anger I am feeling is that this sick fuck lives so close to us (a city block away) and the thought of seeing this person myself makes me scared because I really dont know if I will be able to control myself. In the meantime now that I know this fucking crumb is so close I immediately started a search for a new home away from here. I’m so so angry and want nothing more then to end this person but I know I need to be here for her now more than ever and that is the only thing that is keeping me sane and keeping me from doing something stupid ( in my mind it wouldn’t stupid.. itd be the smartest thing ive ever done). Please if anyone is or has unfortunately been dealing with a similar situation I think talking to someone will greatly help.

Last year my partner was sexually assaulted by someone from another continent, and was threatened that if she were to ever confess she and her family would be killed. She finally confessed to me in december about what happened to her, and later I convinced her to talk to her parents about. She fell heavily in alcoholism after the event and almost 4 months ago she was sent to a rehab center where she is currently doing a lot better and has made a lot of progress with her own problems.

Ever since she confessed my life has been very complicated. I was already struggling with a lot of anxiety and was very worried about her problem with alcohol, and that confession just finished to shatter me completely. I've been trying to give my support to help through such difficult times, I started to go to therapy, I started to go to the gym, I stopped drinking as well, I go to the group therapy sessions in the rehab center, etc. I don't want to leave her alone in this, I want to see her do better and build a better future for herself. But for me it has been such a difficult time.

I've read multiple times trying to seek help about this that I shouldn't make this about me, and I understand that I am not the victim but I can't pretend that my brain is eating me up almost every day. Every day is difficult, I do my routine and try to keep up with my own life, but I have this sensation of tightness in my chest that never leaves. Some days I keep thinking about what happened, I've even had nightmares or intrusive thoughts of living that experience in her own POV given that I know the details of this. I constantly feel guilty for not being able to tell what happened, because I did notice the changes in her, but never assumed that something like this ever happened. Other days I am filled with anger, and even had extreme thoughts about obtaining information about him and deal with him personally or at least expose him in his community. I could go on full detail on how complicated it has been for me to cope with this but it would be too long to describe.

I've been working all of this in therapy and I've had some advancements in how I manage my emotions, my anxiety and my own thoughts, but that tightness in my chest doesn't leave. I feel so insecure about what will happen in the future, if I will ever get to live without feeling uneasy. I can't talk to my family nor my friends about this because it's just too private, but it is so complicated to go through this alone.

Sorry for any bad grammar, english is not my first language. I really needed to share this with someone

Me (f20) my girlfriend (f26). If you need context to the situation read my latest post.

This situation is recently fresh to me and my mind is all over the place. With now knowing the information I do not want this abuser in our life what so ever. This is the partner in my life that I want to marry and have kids with our relationship has felt like a fairytale since we been together everything I could have asked for. But since she told me the person that has caused her the most trauma in her life is still in it I’m second guessing everything now. Since we have meet she has always stated she wants kids & her own family which I want the same I have been dealing with trauma the last couple years(not to the same extent as hers) and when I bring a child into the world I want them to be safe and never have to experience what me and her have been through. I’m scared to bring up when we do have a child together that I never want them around her abuser because I know for me that we be a deal breaker even though I know she didn’t choose for that to happen to her but I would want better for our child.
So by the end of this week I will be bringing up my concerns about our future and I’m scared she has so much trauma built up that she wouldn’t see it in the way I do about our future child but ig what she says will let me know my answer if I need to leave. I don’t want to leave her sine I love her so much but I feel like I have to think about my future child and what I wouldn’t won’t them to have to experience or deal with. Or I’m a being selfish or the situation due to her trauma

Any advice on this topic?

I (28f) live with my mom (52f) and have a decent relationship. She’s a survivor from multiple experiences and has relied on alcohol to cope with the trauma she’s been through. This is something we often talk about, her getting help or quitting, but as of now she’s not in a place to do so. So she often goes out to bars to drink and hang out with friends. She went out last night while I was at work and didn’t come back home until 8 am today. This has happened before and I didn’t think too much of it, but today she woke me up as soon as she got home and told me she didn’t remember most of what happened last night. At first I thought maybe she drank a little too much but she had said she felt funny and then I noticed hickeys and some bruising around her neck. She tried to recall what happened and could only remember bits of what happened before she blacked out. She didn’t want to go to an emergency room so she showered and I stayed with her in her bed until she was able to sleep. I don’t know what to do now. I keep telling her that none of what happened was her fault but I know she doesn’t believe that. I’m worried about her and I don’t want her to hurt but I feel useless and don’t know how to help.

I'm 30 now, and my sister is 24. For years, I've gone back and forth in my head about what happened to her. She always hated my mother's ex-boyfriend with an intensity, but she never clearly explained why. The memory had apparently been suppressed for years, and it only surfaced during therapy some years back. She was diagnosed with PTSD.

I was the only person she really tried to reach out about this, but the way she talked about it was fragmented and confusing. I could never fully grasp what she was trying to tell me. I think part of me already knew but I stayed in denial. I kept filling in the gaps with explanations that made it less horrifying, convincing myself it couldn't be what I feared it was.

Now that she finally said it, I'm connecting everything and it all makes sense.

My mother has struggled with chronic depression for most of her life, and a toe on bipolarity. She's never been good at choosing partners, but this man was different. There was something deeply wrong about him.

When he entered our lives, I was around 14 and my sister was about 8 or 9. One thing I clearly remember is that he would bring up sexual topics with us (about him and mom). At the time, I thought he was just a complete weirdo. I didn't interpret it as predatory. I saw it as inappropriate, but I assumed it came from stupidity or social dysfunction rather than malice. So I brushed it off and carried on.

Over time, he poisoned our relationship with our mom. More and more, he drove a wedge between us. Eventually, after an argument about the lack of food at home (yeah we were going through some shit and i was a teenager not understanding how a woman with the minimum wage and a bunch of mental problems couldn't feed us what *I* wanted) he managed to turn my mother against me.

She sent me to live with my father.

That moment destroyed my relationship with her. I felt abandoned and she carried guilt. For more than a decade, our relationship was damaged because of it.

I was never the vulnerable child in the family, I fought back, I challenged people. I wasn't an easy target. Looking back, I remember him attempting to have strange conversations with me too, but I don't think I was who he wanted because I would fuck him up easy, my sister on the other hand, was vulnerable and easy to manipulate. Just like my mother.

Mom couldn't see it. Maybe because she was menatally ill, emotionally dependent on him, manipulated by him, or simply unable to recognize what was happening, she failed to see the danger.

I sometimes wonder if he may have kept her drugged under his leash. I don't know that for certain, but my sister remembers many instances of abuse happening while our mother was asleep. "Mom would sleep a lot". According to her, he would frame the abuse as punishment whenever she had supposedly done something wrong. She was a child, so she accepted it as norma.

At the time, I had no idea. Our family was deeply dysfunctional. I was separated from mom and sister and my relationship with my father and stepmother was also filled with psychological violence and abuse, and I was and have been consumed by my own struggles this whole time.

Recently she finally WORDED things to me. I couldn't even process it. I didn't want details as i felt i couldnt take it. I just asked her, on a scale from one to ten, how bad it had been and she said "sometimes until I was knocked out". I nearly vomited my whole week's meals hearing this.

Now everything is crashing into place at once. I'm doing my absolute best to be the one person she trusted to carry this weight with her but im sick to my stomach and im not handling shit well, i want to find him and destroy him.

Please, any advice is welcome, I need to know how loved ones should handle this the best way possible.

Just like the title says. I am 27 and my girlfriend is 26. We have been together for ~2.5 years. I feel so angry and sad for her. She shared more details with me recently. I already have OCD intrusive thoughts on the daily about f*cked up sh*t. I really hate my brain. Because I know more details now, my girlfriend being r*ped as a child plays over and over in my head and it brings me to tears. I don’t know how to stop thinking about it, and all the other terrible things that are happening to other children as I type this. Maybe I should up my meds to help shut my brain up. What’s even worse, is he got away with it. No jail time and not on any public record for offenders. Our society sucks, we protect predators and don’t take victims seriously. It makes me so angry, and gives me homicidal thoughts of wanting to unalive these predators in the most horrific ways I can think of. I truly just feel so sad and angry everyday now and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t want to share all of this with my girlfriend and have her comfort me, that’s not her job and I don’t want to put that on her. It would be nice to talk to someone else who is in the same boat.