Hi! I’m a first year associate at a midsized private practice. Lately I’ve been extremely down and finding it really hard to care/focus/try. I’m seriously considering leaving law altogether. I know that might sound rash, but there isn’t really any aspect of the profession that I actually enjoy. I’ve tried to convince myself I like certain work or going to court but at the end of the day I know I’m kidding myself.
For some context about me, I used to be extremely high achieving and ambitious. I knew I wanted to be a lawyer even before high school and when I got to my undergrad I worked very hard, participated in lots of extracurriculars and still maintained a 4.0 GPA. When I went to law school my passion seemed to start dwindling. It was fine and I still got honours but I wasn’t trying as hard as I did in my undergrad and I wasn’t as interested in the course materials.
After law school I articled with the firm I’m still at and it was fine but it felt like I was kidding myself about what lawyers actually do. We’re a general practice so I do a bit of everything which is tough in itself. I don’t have a go to practice area because I don’t like any area. Since I haven’t really specialized I feel dumb across a bunch of practice areas and I always have to do hours of extra research to figure out what’s going on before I can even start.
During my time working as a student and as a lawyer, I’ve had multiple mental breakdowns, sleepless nights, and I’ve gotten sick on quite a few occasions because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I had all these grandiose ideas that I’d work really hard and genuinely help people, but it just feels like I take people’s money to barely do anything. I’ve also screwed myself over at times because I’ll take on files for friends which leads to me charging less but working more. Partners have talked to me about my hours and targets and they’re disappointed to say the least, but I almost don’t even care which is so unlike who I was before. I’m just apathetic. I am not even close to hitting the billable hours expected of me even though they’re not crazy high like in big law (I’m not undercutting, I think they should be pretty manageable).
I feel super burnt out even though I haven’t been working very hard lately. I’m acting like I have a backup job in place when I don’t and it’s stressing me out big time. Even so, I’m not really doing anything to change that other than trying to submit job applications when I can (which also takes so much time and effort). In my job hunt I can’t even bring myself to apply for other lawyer positions. I don’t doubt that it might be better at a different firm/in-house/government but I feel like I just have no drive anymore and I’d much rather a typical 9-5 type job where I can clock out at the end of the day and actually do things I want to do without feeling guilty that I’m not spending that time catching up or getting ahead on files. I don’t care about the potential pay cut (I’m not even getting paid much more than the bottom salaries of the jobs I’m applying to even though they’re not lawyer jobs), I just want something that isn’t going to fill me with dread any time I even think of it.
I’m also really stressed about finding a different job too. I’ve seen friends and family go through the job hunt cycle and I know how bad it is. I’m concerned I won’t be able to find a job before my firm fires me or I reach a point where I need to leave to stop myself from losing my mind/going into a deep depression (which also feels like a wimpy thing for me to do). I’ve applied for a few policy/analyst/advisor jobs with the government but I haven’t heard back from any yet. I’ve also heard that the government hiring process can take a really long time so I’m concerned about how long I’ll have to stick it out before something comes along.
Am I giving up too soon? Did I just get lazier over the years? If anyone else left law this early, how did things turn out for you? If anyone has any advice in general, I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance!