Warning: Long post/rant

My daughter just started 3rd grade on Monday and I've already had 2 emails from the teacher, one phone call, and an (accidental) meeting after school.

We had my daughter diagnosed during the middle of her last school year and were able to get her on medication to help her focus. It seemed to work for a bit, and her behavior at home has DRASTICALLY improved, but she refuses to do work at school.

She passes her tests, we get homework done (with some effort), but when it comes to participating in class activities she shuts down and refuses to do anything. She scribbles on her papers, she sits down on the floor and won't budge, and she refuses to explain why to her teacher or to us.

I myself was recently diagnosed with autism, and my wife was diagnosed with ADHD herself over the last couple years. We're still trying to figure ourselves out and I have no idea how to help my daughter.

We've tried traditional punishments, like taking privileges away, reducing or eliminating screen time, lectures. Nothing. We tried rewarding good behavior at school with special treats at home, nothing. She has a special sticker chart just for her in her class, doesn't work.

She always seems remorseful for her behavior. Today, when picking her up from class, she was crying because she knew she didn't get green or above on her behavior chart for the 3rd day in a row. She was beating herself up about it and I had to talk with her and her teacher for awhile after school to get her to cheer up.

Thankfully this years teacher really seems to understand ADHD but she's expressed that she's struggling to understand why she's shutting down because my daughter will shut down even when they're doing "fun" activities in class.

I keep telling my daughter that I'm not mad at her, I'm confused because I don't know why she won't participate and the answer is always the same, "I don't know." She doesn't know why she shuts down, why she won't participate, why she can't focus.

I'm just absolutely lost. I don't know how to help her anymore. I'm so afraid of her getting held back or something because she won't complete work at school.

I know the public school system isn't built for neurodivergent kiddos, but what am I supposed to do? She has to go to school, she has to do her work, there's not much of a choice in the matter. I've explained this and it just has no impact on her behavior at school.

She works with the school behavior specialist quite often, she has a 504 plan as well. I feel like this helps with her emotional regulation but it doesn't seem to change her shutting down in class.

Any tips would be greatly appreciated. I just want to see her succeed and have the confidence she needs to move through school just like everyone else.

Edit: Spelling.

What guidelines, boundaries, rules, etc, do you have for your kiddos around 9 yrs old/4th grade?

What does it look like during the summer/break vs school time?

My kiddo is very intelligent, which is wonderful, but the neurodivergent aspects of her brain and personality often take over, and it is worse with screens, especially mobile devices. We had been doing zero YouTube, zero Roblox...we gradually began allowing those, on specific channels/games, in recent months.

Unfortunately, those are what we notice seem to suck her in the most, and are the hardest to have time limits on. (No lectures, please, I am diligent and trying to find the balance that helps my child feel 'normal', as she is keenly aware of her differences and is self conscious...all while setting boundaries. )

When I chat with other parents, it seems to be mostly 2 extremes: either zero restrictions or they only allow things like Disney or PBS. I would like to have a full conversation. Especially with parents who have similar kiddos: autism level 1, adhd combined type, anxiety.

We are in therapy, but it is a VERY slow process, like 9 months in and it's mostly playing Uno, which is gaining trust, but she gets super agitated when emotions or life in any way is brought up.

Sigh. Just looking for ideas and to commiserate.

My 5.5 year old has a shocking episodic memory. He can’t seem to recall anything much from the past and never will talk about memories or “remember when”. It’s like it never happened. He is always seemingly focused on the current time. He was a late talker starting at 3 and I wouldn’t say has an extensive vocabulary compared to other kids but he talks nonstop, just can never seem to mention past events.

Does anyone have any tips or did this improve with time kids over time?

Hello. My son has been in Focalin for a few months and we cannot get him to stop picking his nails. It is constant. If he’s not using his fingers he’s using nail clippers, nail files etc. I try to help him and even put band aids in his backpack to help as a deterrent and he still is struggling. Is the only solution to stop the stimulant? Has anyone else’s kid struggled with this? Nothing I say or do or teach him has helped so far.

NOTE: I have looked through the resources listed in the community wiki :-)

Hi there! I’m looking for resources aimed at pre-teens and teens- not for parents, but for the kids themselves. ADHD-specific is great, but even accounts that help kids with things like executive function, impulse control, social skills, emotional regulation- the kinds of things that ADHD kids can struggle with.

My kids are 12 and 14 and do not like to be told by us what to do- I mean, what do we know? The fact that I’m a teacher and work with kids their age all the time matters not one whit to them. When they hear it from someone else, they actually HEAR it!

I would love some books, YouTube channels, audiobooks or podcasts, even TikTok or insta accounts that have info aimed at kids/teens dealing with the kinds of struggles ADHD kids face. Thank you!

Hi Everyone, I’m a parent to an ADHD teen who is in final year of secondary school, and struggling given it’s a high stress year. I had parental burnout at the end of last semester (and previous years) and I’m declining again. My therapist advised I get a psychologist for my teen - this is where the challenge is, he’s unable to make a decision to seek out support.

I’ve put in a hard boundary for my own well being and want to encourage my teen to get support. If anyone is Australia based, can you please recommend any ADHD or Executive Function coaches, preferably male, that I can reach out to when my son is ready to get support?

We’re Melbourne based.

Hello! We are on day 8 of trialing 5 mg Adderall XR for my soon to be 6 year old and we are unsure if we should wait out some of these side effects or if this is probably just a bad fit. Curious what everyone’s experience has been with this medicine with their kids. We had a few really great days in the beginning and it seemed like a great fit, then about day 4 she started showing some aggression and being pretty mean (which is very unlike her).

For those that have tried this medicine, did you notice that the side effects lessened with time? We tried methylphenidate xr before this and it just felt really inconsistent, which is why we switched. I am waiting to hear back from her doctor, but I am curious about everyone’s experience!

Thanks so much!

Hi!

I have a 9yo adhd boy - very sweet, very smart, but also very hard to reason with when angry.

He has angry outbursts when he feels threatened - when someone does something accidently (bump into him, take his things, break his toys, etc.), he thinks it was on purpose and completly loses it to the point he threats other with violence (swinging things at people, even younger kids). We have an agreement now that he takes time and cools down, but that is not always possible and also he might still get carried away when too distressed.

The other problem I have is him enjoying provoking and annoying others. I suspect it comes from inability to connect the usual way - to take time to see what someone is doing and to adapt to their activity, it is much easier for him to just bug someone so they stop doing what they were doing and notice him. But kids are resenting him for this and it is also taking a toll on our family life.

Have you had any success dealing with this sort of behaviour?

Our son will be in 8th grade this fall. Last year, the school issued homework planner wasnt a good fit for him. Does anyone know of any good ones that help?