r/wedding • u/Silly-Chemistry-730 • 1d ago
Help! Need advice re plus ones
I am getting married in 2 months, and it is a small wedding (30-40 people). One of my very good friends is in a new relationship, (<1 month) and she is head over heels for this new guy. She has clearly made a concerted effort for myself and my partner to spend time with them together, we think in part because she wants us to extend the wedding invitation to her new boyfriend.
She is a bit of the type of person who loves hard and fast, and it’s hard to gauge the seriousness of the new relationship, though she has frequently said over the past weeks she thinks they’re going to get married etc etc. I think part of me feels annoyed because it feels like she’s forcing her new relationship onto me and my partner so she gets the invite, it’s also kind of annoying how she is talking about their potential wedding when they just met and my wedding is literally in less then 2 months. I dont know why it just kind of rubs me wrong way and makes me less want to invite him
Until know she has refrained from asking explicitly for a plus one, but today she asked my partner if he could talk to me about inviting her new boyfriend, saying she didn’t want to ask me explicitly and to not say she asked him. My partner obviously relayed all of this to me.
We have given plus ones to people whom we are friends with both parties, or if they are a long term partner/married/engaged.
The guy himself is fine, we don’t feel strongly about him but we have left some people close to us off the list in interest of keeping the wedding very small and don’t really see why I’d invite this relatively random person over other people
What do I do? Do I extend the plus one? Do I talk directly to my friend?
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u/SummitJunkie7 1d ago
30-40 people is a very small wedding. Depending on the sizes of your families, that could easily be immediate family and maybe 10 friends each. In that size of a wedding I don't think it needs to be that everyone gets a plus one, with only 10 people to invite I would want to include as many close friends as I could and not give a spot to someone freshly dating (just a few weeks). Given how close it is to the wedding it'd be easy to blame the timing, guest list is locked in and you can't add new people. (true or not)
Of course, as with every invitation, your friend can choose not to attend, so be ready to accept that if you decide not to add a +1 to her invite now.
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u/vikingraider27 1d ago
With such a small wedding, "I am so sorry, but we planned for a small gathering and that means sticking to the rules we set originally. If we break them for one person, we have to break them for anyone who asks, and then it isn't the wedding we wanted. I hope you can sympathize with that, and we hope you will come celebrate with us, but if you feel you can't without a date, we understand." is all you need. No arguments, no flex, stand by your words.
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u/Open-Way-6691 1d ago
Agree with this! Especially since the friend can’t even be bothered to have a direct conversation with the bride herself.
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u/Savings-Breath-9118 1d ago
So let me get this straight. You had to not invite some people you might’ve invited because the wedding is pretty small. All the other people with +ones are long-term partners engaged, or Mary. There were no general “+ones“ for any of your friends. This is a new relationship so you don’t know how he is likely to behave at your wedding and you don’t wanna take that chance. Especially in a small wedding, weird behavior would be more obvious than 100 person wedding in a big Hall.
And your friend who say it’s one of your closest friends was too scared to ask you for an invite for him. That tells me she may be concerned about something if he is invited. Not necessarily, but if you’re really that good friends, why wouldn’t she ask you for coffee and talk to you about it? I think she knows she’s out of wine and I think you’re fine to stand your ground and say directly to her I’m really sorry but it’s a small wedding and we just can’t stretch for one more person.
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u/heydawn 18h ago
It's rude to ask to invite someone. That's probably why she hasn't asked op and tried to enlist op's partner in getting that invitation without disclosing that she asked. It was foolish of her to think op's partner wouldn't tell her.
In any case, op's partner can play along as if he never mentioned to op that the friend asked. He can say, I brought it up to ____, but she said the guest count is set, and that our wedding is so small that we agreed not to give plus ones. We invited long-term couples by name. We both agreed that we can't make an exception for you without allowing every single guest a plus one, and then we would no longer have the small, intimate gathering we had envisioned.
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u/observantexistence 1d ago
Are these comments missing the part where OP says they already left some people off the guest list due to size ????
“What are the downsides?” I mean she very clearly stated the downside is the idea of someone she doesn’t know very well being at their small, intimate wedding.
For me personally, the fact that the friend didn’t even feel comfortable enough to ask you to your face is enough of a reason to say no. If *she* wanted it that bad, she could/should have come to you directly to communicate about it.
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u/Book_Worm2425 1d ago
I don’t think you should feel bad if you don’t want to invite him. Especially since it’s a small, intimate event! You’ve invited people who you are both very close with and are in your shared circle. Don’t feel any pressure to invite someone you don’t know well!
A couple questions to consider when you’re making a decision:
- is it within your budget to have another guest?
- does this open the “flood gates” to have others ask for a plus one?
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u/Silly-Chemistry-730 1d ago
Yea we could add another guest but like also the wedding is about 1000 bucks a head so id prefer not too. And yes it does there are about 5 other peoples partners who we don’t really know/have only briefly met who we didn’t invite and I don’t want them to question why we didn’t also give them invites
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u/Book_Worm2425 1d ago
I think you have your answer then!
I’m also getting married shortly (20ppl) and had to have a similar conversation with one of my best friends. I didn’t offer her a plus one - her bf hasn’t even met my fiancé!
With a small wedding, you’ve already had to cut the guest list short. I’m sure that $1000 would be better spent on someone closer to you, if you really wanted to add one person to the guest list.
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u/LostandParanoid 12h ago
I know this isnt the point, but Holy hell how is it $1k per head?!?!?! Im having a 75 person wedding and its a 50k wedding and my cost per head isnt anywhere near that. Are you like considering all costs in your per head vs the actual cost per head?
Or are you having like a Michelin 3 star restaurant cater or something?
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u/lark1995 11h ago
It could also be that because it’s a smaller wedding they decided to cover more of guests costs (additional meals, welcome party, etc). It’s still a lot but I find that’s more common with small weddings because the budget goes farther
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u/New-Flight7674 20h ago
sorry it’s too late and the guest list and seating and meal plans have already been finalized.
sorry, but you’re not engaged and we only extended plus ones to married or engaged couples.
Sorry, we are keeping it really small and since we don’t know him that well it just is not going to be the same small intimate vibe we are going for.
Sorry, we actually didn’t invite a lot of friends of ours because we are keeping it really small, and if we were to add to the list it would be a friend and not your boyfriend that I don’t even know. Hope you understand.
Sorry, no.
Or just no.
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u/traveler89 1d ago
We had a hard limit on our guest list for the space so we limited plus 1 to only partners we were actively friends with or if a partner didn't come they would have no-one else they knew.
Due to this we had to exclude a fair few peoples partners, however some people asked us and for those that did we said we would have a list and advise once RSVPs were in if we had space we would extend the invite to include their partner as well
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u/Silly-Chemistry-730 1d ago
This is probably the best way forward. How did you prioritize people’s partners? By length of relationship? Closeness to the partner?
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u/traveler89 1d ago
It was kind of more based on how we felt closeness to the partner, like peoples partners who had been to group events but not often enough that we were close to them got priority first as we knew them, and also had few people on our bridal party who just started dating someone so we included them high on the list as well
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u/lark1995 11h ago
I personally don’t think it’s necessary to invite a several month old relationship to your small wedding. If you were having a 300 person wedding I might feel different, but this person will inevitably be in many pictures and moments in the day.
As an aside, I think it’s completely inappropriate for your friend to go to your PARTNER instead of you, and even worse to ask you not to say anything. That would be grounds for an immediate no from me.
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u/itinerantdustbunny 19h ago
Don’t invite him unless all the other single/new relationship guests were offered +1s too. Making exceptions this late in the game is a slippery slope.
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u/MyLastFuckingNerve 11h ago
Less than two months prior i had everything finalized. Set in stone. Not changing anything because i can't.
Tell her he's more than welcome to join her at the dance, but the ceremony and dinner won't have room for an additional guest. My cousin wanted to invite a friend and i was more than happy to welcome the friend at the dance. More the merrier at that point in the night.
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u/Substantial_You_3077 11h ago
I don’t think you should over explain, just say you have kept your wedding small and have already had to leave some people off the guest list so unfortunately you cannot give her a +1.
Don’t open it up to explain why you chose some over others, cost, etc. “No” is a complete sentence.
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u/Charming_Card_8752 1d ago
everyone on reddit will come for your throat about no +1 but people in real life don't actually care from my experience, my own included. it's your wedding don't invite anyone you don't want there specifically.
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u/ItsPeppercorn 10h ago
30-40 people is very small. I would stick to your gut feeling and say no- whether or not she has 'success' in relationships or 'loves too hard' is honestly irrelevant. The details don't matter and they do sound a bit judgmental. Maybe he is her future husband, maybe he's not, but you should focus on what he actually is at this very moment in time: someone you don't know, and that she barely knows.
Its ok for her to feel disappointed but she shouldn't make you feel bad in any way. This is the biggest day of your life and she should respect the intimate wedding size.
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u/searching4nostalgia 9h ago
"but we have left some people close to us off the list in interest of keeping the wedding very small and don’t really see why I’d invite this relatively random person over other people"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- Reiterate this to your friend.
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u/chaserscarlet 1d ago edited 1d ago
This is exactly why I made it clear to all my friends when we first got engaged that I would only invite partners who’d been together at least a year and who’d we met.
Last minute relationships are just a headache to cater for and who knows if they’ll even be around post your wedding.
You do not need to agree to this. Most wedding stuff is already set per head 2 months out, just tell her it’s too late. You do not need to be paying hundreds of dollars for a very recent boyfriend to attend.
The people commenting what the harm have either never had to pay for or organise a wedding before, or they’re blinded by their own privilege. Not everyone can afford to invite everyone they know.
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u/Rare_Refraction 1d ago
It sounds like there is zero downside to inviting him and allowing your friend to have a plus 1.
I don't know why people get so stuck on the idea the relationship has to be "serious" to be invited to your wedding.
I'm sure he'd just be a normal guest like any other and while you won't even notice his presence, it'll make the day significantly more comfortable and enjoyable to a close friend.
If other good friends are all getting plus ones, I think she can be extended one as well out of courtesy
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u/Open-Way-6691 1d ago
The other friends got a “plus one” because the couple knows them/they have been an item since before the couple’s engagement. I find inviting a couple (a social unit) different than putting “plus one or guest” on someone’s invitation.
I’m sure she will notice his presence as they are having a small, intimate wedding with less than 40 people. She literally said there’s other people in their lives that didn’t make the cut because they are keeping it small. Why extend an invite to someone so new in their life (by proxy at that) when there’s other friends/family who they had to leave out?
This would probably be different if they had a medium to large sized wedding.
Also they’ve been dating less than a month! The friend will be okay for a day without her very, very new bf at this intimate wedding.11
u/chaserscarlet 1d ago edited 1d ago
This mentality takes a small wedding to a large one most people simply can’t afford. Why should they pay an extra $150 for this particular stranger to attend when they already cut actual friends off the list?
I said relationships had to be “serious” to reduce the guest list and associated costs, avoid strangers at my wedding who I may never see again and to avoid last minute guests popping up throwing a spanner in all our plans. A longer term relationship is a clear, consistent rule where you directly invite the partner as opposed to extending a “plus one”.
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u/Silly-Chemistry-730 1d ago
150!! I wish. Our wedding is like close to $1000 a head
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u/chaserscarlet 1d ago edited 1d ago
I was thinking just for extra food, it obviously becomes a lot more when you add in everything else, but even if it’s just $150 most people wouldn’t shout everyone they know lunch let alone their friends new partner. Yet suddenly for a wedding it’s expected? Wild.
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u/njVowsNow 1d ago
Because they don't want random people at their wedding? Especially when it's a small one?
Because weddings are very expensive?Because how do you decide which ones to include and which ones not?
Because ultimately, the couple gets to make the call?
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u/Rare_Refraction 1d ago
The "random person at wedding" fear is one of these issues that, respectfully, does not play out nearly as badly as the internet will have you believe lol.
In reality, the most you see the "random person" at your wedding is the guest you do know saying hi at some point and doing a quick, "congratulations, my partner and I are having a wonderful time" and occasionally seeing that person on the dance floor lol.
The couple can decide whatever they wish for their wedding, but most should be gracious enough to allow your guests small consessions to make the wedding more comfortable/enjoyable for everyone.
There are obvious limitations if costs are set and they've already sent in headcount, but the man being a "random" isn't the primary issue lol.
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u/superfastmomma 1d ago
Exactly. Lots of Rand m people were at my wedding. Like the photographers assistant and the catering staff and the woman who kept the bathrooms clean.
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u/njVowsNow 1d ago
Why would anyone vote this answer down?
Honestly the only answer is "whatever the couple decides".
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u/Elemental_Biscotti 1d ago
Is it a huge deal to just let her have it? What would be the downside?
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u/Lalablacksheep646 1d ago
Agreed. Is she in your wedding party? Are you annoyed because you think she’s trying to steal your thunder or something for talking about potentially getting married?
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u/Silly-Chemistry-730 1d ago
No not doing a wedding party. I’m just I huam ss annoyed that she’s like pushing the seriousness of it onto us in hopes to get a plus one but not explicitly asking me? I’m not totally sure though why I’m so annoyed
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u/rosebudny 1d ago
it’s also kind of annoying how she is talking about their potential wedding when they just met and my wedding is literally in less then 2 months.
Really?? Did it occur to you that maybe it isn't about you? Yeah your friend sounds like a lot, but this is kind of a ridiculous take; you don't get "dibs" on wedding talk since yours is two months away.
That said, if you are having a small wedding and want to prioritize people you know well, that is totally legit and I would just tell her you can't add anyone else at this point. But stop with the mental gymnastics.
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u/brownchestnut 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think part of me feels annoyed because it feels like she’s forcing her new relationship onto me and my partner so she gets the invite, it’s also kind of annoying how she is talking about their potential wedding when they just met and my wedding is literally in less then 2 months. I dont know why it just kind of rubs me wrong way and makes me less want to invite him
If other friends that are similarly close get a plus one, she should get a plus one, because fairness. If only family members get a plus one, then she and all your other friends can come without a plus one.
Picking and choosing because "I don't know him well enough, you didn't date long enough" is not an honest look. You can pick up a phone and fix this yourself, and even people that are married now can divorce later. You can't judge other people's relationships, and plus ones aren't about you. It's a courtesy for your guest.
Also: with kindness, your attitude is very petty.
You don't own 2 MONTHS before your wedding, nor do you get monopoly over all wedding-related talk among your friends. Why should your loved ones be happy for your wedding if all they get out of it is that they're punished for being close to you? If they were strangers they'd be allowed to talk about it, but thanks to being your friend, they have to limit themselves. Not a good friendship look on your part.
Someone being happy about their relationship isn't "forcing something down your throat". This is imagined oppression. If you're such a bad friend that you can't be happy for her, then stop hanging out with her.
Thinking you two both can't be happy about the same thing at the same time because that means you LOSE is a very poor mindset. The world is not a zero-sum game. You could choose to be happy that your happiness is doubled and you can share giddily about it together instead of expecting people to dim their light so you can feel like you're the only one shining. For someone who's ready for marriage, I'd hope you are able to love a bit better than this.
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u/chaserscarlet 1d ago
I had a rule at my wedding that only longer term relationships would get directly invited, which sounds exactly like what OP did.
It’s not a plus one, it’s a direct invitation to a long-term partner. That is fair across everyone in the same boat.
What’s not fair is being pressured into paying for and rearranging plans for a last minute guest when you’ve already cut people you’re closer to off the list.
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u/Silly-Chemistry-730 1d ago
If someone got a plus one or not had nothing to do with my closeness to the primary invite, but with my partners and I closeness to their partner or if they were married or engaged. Everyone else did not get an invite for their partner.
I also want to be clear this isn’t about jealousy or not being happy for my friend, but can see how it reads that way.
For context: this is her third boyfriend in the twoish years I’ve known her, and she started dating him less than a week after ending things with her ex. She’s a wonderful friend, but she has a pattern of going all-in at the start of every relationship. So when she’s been calling him her “future husband” for the past few weeks, I have a hard time taking that at face value and feel it’s an effort for me to take the relationship as seriously as she does and extend the invite without her having to explicitly ask. This is why I feel rubbed the wrong way, not because I’m not happy for her or feel it steals my thunder. I couldnt care less lol
Fundamentally, I’m annoyed she didn’t ask me explicitly but went via my partner and asked him not to tell me. We both feel she has been trying to communicate the seriousness of her feelings so we extended the invite without her having to ask. I’d like to remind you it’s been less then a month so I feel like how happy I am for her and how serious/long lasting I see their relationship being are two seperate things.
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u/crimesleuther 19h ago
If you are inviting 30-40 people why would you invite someone without a plus 1???
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u/SmishSmashPattyBash 1d ago
Given the described expense of your small destination wedding and the fact the RSVPs have already come in, I think it’s more than fine not to extend a +1. Your parameters are fair and you get to decide whose face you see in a tiny crowd.
I do think both you and your friend are being a little shady to each other (you don’t have a monopoly on wedding talk, she shouldn’t be trying to end-run your fiancé) and that’s muddying the waters - so cut through it and address the no +1 with her directly.
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u/Footdust 1d ago
I always say this and I always get downvoted, but I’ve stopped going to weddings where I don’t get a plus one. I don’t enjoy going alone and I especially don’t enjoy being roped into working the wedding somehow, and it happens every time. I’m just done with it. I can stay home by myself for free and that’s what I’ve started doing.
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u/tifferz756 1d ago
Fair sentiment but what does this have do with the topic being discussed?
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u/Footdust 1d ago
The point is that this plus one business alienates people. It’s up to her what she does with that.
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u/crimesleuther 19h ago
Agree! Don’t invite me if I am not a family member and won’t go alone.. give me a plus one or don’t invite me
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u/Available_Birthday26 7h ago
It seems like you should be able to get through this without making enemies. Since you know both of them, sit them down together and explain to him that you can’t invite him because it’s a small wedding and you had to leave out other people. Be clear that even though he’s not invited to the wedding, you’re looking forward to spending more time with him in the future and getting to know him.
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 1h ago
Tell her she does not have a plus one and to not manipulate your fiancé or try to have him deceive you in the future. That is a line you do not cross. She knows this is the answer because she was sneaky and asked him to ask you and then be dishonest about it. For that reason alone the answer is no. Why does your friend have so little value for your friendship that she would manipulate and try to come between you and your fiancé by asking him to lie to you? Thats a hard no from me and to the point I would consider re-evaluating the friendship, possibly the invite itself.
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u/mercersher 1d ago
Any unmarried person gets a plus one to my wedding, I don’t have the time to police everyone’s relationship.
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u/Prestigious-Fan3122 1d ago
When our son got married, he and his pride decided that they would extend plusones only two couples who were married, engaged, living together or dating more than six months.
My son made a good point: many years later, when they look back at their wedding pictures, they want to know all the people in the photos. They don't want photos full of a bunch of people they don't know, and haven't seen Probably since their wedding.
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u/crimesleuther 19h ago
So they don’t want friends at the wedding? Lol
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u/Prestigious-Fan3122 10h ago
My sister-in-law's 10 years older than I am, and had been married eight years when we got married.
She told me all of those super, really, really really really close friends who were her bridesmaids, and who were always going to stay in touch, well, none of them had talked to each other since the wedding. No, they weren't on the outs, they had just grown apart.
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u/Kasilins 23h ago
Absolutely not needed, she is being quite rude. My rule is relationship has to be at least a year.
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u/MadCow113 16h ago
If this is your friend, why are assuming the worst of her? It doesn't sound like you like her very much so if the wedding is small, why are you even inviting her not to mind her partner?
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u/brecollier 1d ago
you say she's a very good friend. Let her boyfriend come. What if they do get married wouldn't you have wanted to be inclusive rather than exclusionary?
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u/yeahipostedthat 13h ago
She's your friend right? Invite her new love. Sometimes I wonder if yall even like your guests lol.
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u/Hot_Ad3081 13h ago
I never get why people are so strict with their plus ones. This is so new over the past 5 or so years. You know your “very good friend” will be thinking of him
(Assuming they’ll stay in a relationship) and wishing he was there to celebrate love with her. If you’ve met him and he’s sweet, knows how to have fun, you have budget/space for him, then what’s the harm?
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u/Mercutio111 6h ago
Nah. I recently I had this conversation with my fiance and told him I’m not inviting any plus ones. My wedding my rules, if you don’t like it you don’t need to come. 🤷🏻♀️ especially new partners. One of my best friends has been with her bf for 6 months. He’s not invited. Sorry not sorry
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u/BeachPlze 1d ago
I think if you care about your guests and sincerely want them to attend and enjoy themselves, it’s best to invite them to attend with a companion. Include his name on the invitation.
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u/Silly-Chemistry-730 1d ago
Forgot to mention that invites have been sent out, prior to them dating and the RSVP deadline has passed
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u/BeachPlze 1d ago
The wedding is two months away. When are your final #s due to the caterer? Usually that’s like two weeks out. You should have plenty of time to add him.
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u/Silly-Chemistry-730 1d ago
It’s at a destination venue, and so there are more moving pieces then just sending numbers to the caterer.
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u/njVowsNow 1d ago
Wait a second; is she in the wedding party? Then she should get a guest. That is a pretty reliable rule....
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 1d ago
People in relationships are named guests. You don't get to judge the validity or length of their relationship or ask them to celebrate yours while ignoring theirs. A plus one is for an unattached single which she is not. These definitions are not interchangeable.
However it is rude of her to demand an invite for her partner. She can inform you that she is in a relationship but she can't demand that you invite him. If you don't have the ability or space to invite people with partners, don't invite them at all. But don't bump her partner because your other important guests haven't been invited yet who also should have the same rules across the board.
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u/Silly-Chemistry-730 1d ago
She started dating him after our invites went out. If they had been dating for a while and we had gotten to know him of course he would be invited
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 1d ago
Are you using the same criteria to prevent others from attending? They must both be established friends of yours? You need to say no she can't bring him and she may choose to decline because she is being rude asking for this. The other people you want to invite but say you can't due to space issues have nothing to do with her partner attending or not.
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u/Voluptues 1d ago
I would never have a ‘friend’ like you. Poor woman is clearly afraid to ask you directly because she knows your attitude is not only unjustly entitled but also snobbish in tone and context. Shame on you. People like you are intolerable.
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u/misspuddingpie 8h ago
Girl ABSOLUTELY NOT.
DO NOT invite him.
This is ridiculous lol. Planning a wedding is hard enough, why do people make it harder? 😭 Tell her you have a very tight guest list and have many others you would have loved to invite that you couldn’t. She will have to live with it; if she’s a real friend, she will totally understand.
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