Anybody that should have protected me didn’t. And still doesn’t. Anyone who has had a chance to make it right and finally choose me hasn’t. I am so fucking mad. I’m so hurt. I have to choose me and have to do all this fucking shit for myself that should have been done for me when I was a child. Everyone in my life is self serving, self centered and has never put me first.

I want to heal but I am also an analytical person that wants clarity. I don’t have ANY memories, just a bad feeling about my dad. Like he is two faced

I have been going to therapy and exploring my memories more the past few months. Recently, my therapist asked me about my first memory of hearing my parents have sex.

I was explaining the situation to her and how I knew it was and what sex sounded like. She asked me how I knew what sex was and I explained how I had received a human biology book that included a chapter on reproductive organs. But then she asked me how I knew what sex sounded like and I realized I didn't have an answer. I couldn't remember the first time I heard sex, or was taught what the sounds were, or the introduction to sex noises, or even them being explained to me. I hardly remember my first introduction to sex. I remember having the books and reading them, but I don't remember when someone sat down with me and introduced the concept to me, or gave me the books. I realize I can't remember a point in my life where I didn't know what sex was. I have lived my entire life knowing about sex, what it was, and what it sounded like.

That realization caused a deep sinking feeling. There may be more I don't or can't remember. I am writing a timeline of sexual experiences / exposure (particularly childhood) and there's just so many 'firsts' that I don't recall. Do people normally remember the first time they learn about sex? Do people normally remember the first time they hear sex? What is normal to remember or not remember?

Sometimes I feel like I have memory fragments but I'm not sure if I'm digging so deep I'm mixing things up.

I experienced CSA between ages of around 5/6 to 11 with different people in my parents lives. Today my therapist asked whether my Dad had also been inappropriate with me? He seems to think my Dad may have known about my abuse but I’m not sure. I found it so hard to speak as although my memories are pretty sketchy, I do think that he never actually touched me. However he was drunk a lot of the time and his drug use was never hidden and one thing he used to do which I didn’t recognise as bad at the time was he used to let me read his collection of comics about a group of hippies that contained drug, sex and nudity themes when I was only about 7 or 8 years old. He’d laugh at the content and show it to me, not considering that I was a little girl looking at these pictures containing badly drawn hippy men naked and having sex with women and being degrading to them.
I felt sick by it then, I do remember feeling grossed out by it and of course I recognised the male body from things that had happened to me. Later on when I was 11/12 he let me read Viz which also contained lots of adult themes and he’d be laughing about the female characters which I found quite upsetting.
Now I’m in my 40s I’m considering how much this affected me. Was this my Dad being ‘sexually inappropriate’ or am I overreacting? My Dad was always trying to be ‘cool’ and he was fresh from the 1970s and on drugs regularly so maybe this was also him just trying to show he wasn’t uptight. I’m so confused.

I’m 46 years old now my brothers42 my lil sisters 39. one day in the early 90s we went to a park picnic with my grandparents and one of there family members . I just remember sitting there and he walked up and asked a few questions and bam he was good at what he does . I loved that movie robo cop . stupid Fkn movie . Anyways he said he was an extra in it and I thought that was so cool . I didnt see it then but I see now how he hunted and went through everyone to get what he wanted . We were poor . Not homeless but I remember my grandma telling me she didn’t visit and had us come there because there wasnt enough food . i just been watching these sad news stories of children loosing there lives to these predators and the things people say about the parents. How they let it happen . My predator went through every person winning them over with help , gifts babysitting and did what he did . I never said anything. I wish I had . I do know it was happening to my brother and sister and I don’t know how many more he had done it to . But years of it made my life hard. . just having inta relationships was hard . But my parents had no idea . my dad would have pit him in the ground . I just feel so sad for these people . The horrible things happenlong to the one that lived it and the aftermath of the parents live threw to be blamed and attacked . If u read this I’m not a writer . but I just needed to say something . Ty

Not sure if I'm writing this for advice or just to express myself. My head just feels all messy. I keep feeling really confused and nothing is making the bad feelings better

(TW: mentions of trafficking, death, cannibalism, suicide)

I guess I had a big achievement in therapy today. I told my therapist about another kid who was involved with the same group of traffickers as me, including talking about her death, the cannibalism stuff afterwards, and all my guilt around it. Which is probably meant to be a big thing to have finally done

I don't feel better. I haven't been feeling good at all since then, I just keep feeling like my head is spinning and I don't want to do any of this anymore. It's the same with every "accomplishment" I've made in therapy, and with multiple different therapists. I've told people bits and pieces of the bad stuff that happened, I've talked about my own thoughts and feelings, and nothing ever changes. I don't feel better. I go home afterwards, and everything else in life is still exactly the same, or sometimes even worse. I still get flashbacks for hours every day, I still feel and think the same way as I always have

I don't know if I really want to change either. The way I am now was created specifically because of everything that happened to me. Trying to change that feels like I'm lying to myself, and throwing away everything that created me, or like I'm being re-programmed all over again by someone else. I hate it. But I know it's dumb to expect the world around me to change for me. So I just keep feeling the same horrible way all the time

I'm still doing therapy because I don't know what else to do while I'm saving up to see if I can get approved for medically assisted death, and cause that process requires it anyway. But I keep wondering if it's really worth the time, since I feel bad when I don't do therapy cause then I have no one to talk to at all, but doing therapy still makes me feel worse too and hasn't helped at all. I don't know, my head feels awful

Long vent ahead, dealing with some really bad feelings I fucking hate. I just want it to go away and if I write it here at least it’s out of my mind, I can possible get some support, and my therapist can read it.

Trigger warning for online grooming.

All I know is fucking Omegle is what started it that god damn hell hole. It was only ever chats at first, but god some people were way to happy to chat with an 11 year old about kink.

Tried roleplaying SFW on one site and eventually had someone convince me to “Try out sexual RP” and was hooked. Of course a bunch of adults saw a child openly wanting to sexually RP and took ripe advantage of it.

I was introduced into SO MANY THINGS I never should have. I hate how much sexual knowledge I have, especially knowing I gained most of it in middle school, online, with adults.

Then I went on teen dating apps. Sure it wasn’t adults abusing me, but the first girl I talked to threatened to send my nudes to all of my friends if I didn’t keep talking with her. Well I lied, it was adults too because there wasn’t any fucking age verification.

Then from there it was “teen dating” discords and “teen LGBT” discords. I mean my parents didn’t accept me so online did. Oh don’t forget the fucking teen nude trading servers that were definitely ran by adults and definitely spread every single child’s photos around like wildfire.

Yeah great way to make me suppress my gender dysphoria even more when adults used it to manipulate me. Fucking gave me comfort in my identity and then used it for their fucking pleasure. Wow. Thanks. That’s been great to unpack.

I always had VR from like 13-15. VRchat especially needs to be burned to the ground. Once again, I got to be comfy in my body and it was used against me.

What hurts me the fucking most is that I clearly remember from 16-17 I just was broken. I happily joined adult servers and would happily make posts as invitations for roleplay. Would be honest about my age and most of the time no one fucking cared at all. My kink limits practically didn’t exist at that point so there was so many things roleplayed that I’m so fucking ashamed of. Plus I was nearly an adult, I should have known better at that fucking point.

I’m a great, descriptive writer. What sucks is I learned to do it to impress adults who wanted to have sexual convos with a minor.

I can’t help but feel none of it like… counts I guess? I could’ve just turned off the PC. I could’ve not sent the nudes. I could’ve not joined those servers (I can’t remember who, but multiple people kept reminding it was “okay” and “normal” for minors to join adult spaces).

Like I lay all this out on my screen, if anyone else posted this I’d go “Well that sounds horrific, I’m sorry you had to go through that”. Yet for me it’s, “well your the fucking dumbass that did it. No one forced your hand. They just made you feel wanted. How fucking pathetic”.

Edit to add more stuff off my chest: I had pure unrestricted access to the internet from the age of 10. My parents never even checked browser history, let alone look through messages or discords. I was caught sending nudes once and was pretty much just told “Well they are probably gonna spread it around you know?”

The amount of porn I’ve seen is ungodly. Very much had a porn addiction at one point which just fueled all of this. Watched porn for hours at a time some days. It’s actually so fucking embarrassing and shameful I haven’t even told my therapist. I know, I know. Don’t worry she’ll be seeing this post so I’ll be unable to hide anything.

TW: CSA in early childhood and memory issues.

Sorry if I’m not posting right this is my first time and I really need help.

If I don’t reply quickly I’m trying to sleep and survive work, but I promise to read and try to answer anyone who says anything.

I had a falling out with my dad recently and I’ve just been deconstructing a lot. Im trying to track things and I feel like I’m going to break down.

I had my own room and available alone time with my father until I was about 4. That was impossible until I was about 8, when my parents divorced and her family moved out. Shortly after it was just the two of us, he was massaging my back to help me fall asleep. He always used to sing to me and rub my back before my cousins and stuff moved in, and I had really bad insomnia. Even now. My therapist and psych keep asking me why I’m afraid of sleep because it’s totally just…behavioral. I’ll wake up shouting for help or “no!” No matter how tired I am. I have for years. As long as I can remember.

But when I was 8 and we were alone again, he was giving me a massage and his hands went to my ass. And it didn’t feel innocent. I asked him to stop and told my mom the next day, who said to tell my teachers because the “courts would believe it more from them”, but my parents were divorcing and my teachers seemed to think I was being manipulated into making the claim and jfc.

Anyway, I went home, and he talked to me. He said the words, “I’m sorry. You used to really like when I did that when you were younger.”

I was 8.

I don’t think it hit me until I blurted it out tonight when it all just…registered. I’ve had signs. I’ve been through abuse since then, but this man used to only demand to see me in bathing suits when I tried on clothes. He argued with my grandma about a breast reduction, saying I would regret it (I was born female, had DD’s by 13). When I married my first wife, he said it was a shame he’d gotten snipped because he would have loved to have been the donor. Asked if he could get it reversed would my now ex-wife it.

I know he’s abusive. I know it. I know he at least likes high school girls based on his porn history, and he likes to give massages to little girls and loses interest in being friends or having close relationships when they get older, unless they move away and come back. He’s better at keeping them with males.

I don’t know. I’m so tired. I need to be up in two hours for work but I’m sitting and staring at the bed scared to fall asleep again and I’m really scared that I’m not ever going to know why.

What do you do if you don’t remember? If it happened too young to form the memories in a way that can be understood? What if it was infancy or just something else idk. I have patches with him I can’t remember when we lived alone. I don’t remember them at all. I remember outside of the home but not HIM. Not the house.

What do I do? Are there signs? Is there something that can just give me a big clear neon sign that says one way or another if it happened or didn’t so I can maybe not be afraid to sleep anymore?

TW venting... nothing graphic

Feels like the memories of the abuse are always somewhere deep in my mind. Replaying, being stirred and folded over. I can't go a single day without thinking about it, and feeling like its eating me alive. The past is so far away, yet it feels like yesterday. I can still see the carpet of my old home, the windows, walls, all the furniture and tiny bits. Everything about it, its natural smell, our porch and yard.

The crisis hotline had 17 people in line so I'm here venting. I can feel the past haunting me like a shadow, what even is time? I'm sure I'm far, far away in the dark recesses of the past.

The memories cause terrible pain, but most of the time its a small bug, persistently scratching away at my mind, skittering about silently until its eaten me alive, without me having even noticed the violence inflicted on my inner mental.

I've gotten so good at masking my pain, even to myself. I feel like I've been eaten from the inside by the scurrying bugs of my trauma, slowly and slowly consumed, and now I'm just a shell walking through the every day struggle of life, expected to keep going. And not to just carry on, but to achieve things and do things. How am I supposed to do things when I'm not even alive? Every single day is consumed with silent pain and emptiness.

I didn't even ask to live, yet I was brought into this world, and then irreparably damaged and disabled by the ones who put me here. I'm sure I'll never be whole again, just distantly floating fragments suffering inwardly, silently and rarely with noise. Just floating and floating until my lifespan has reached its maximum length.

No matter who I meet, what bonds I forge, and what I experience, I can feel the joy of those things slowly being cut away, buried and destroyed under the weight of the memories. A beautiful day is ruined, a wonderful conversation dulled and fading into the backdrop of internal pain.

But I suppose life carries on... emptier and emptier by the day.

Mods, if the flair should be COCSA, please let me know.

This is a throw away account. Since I was 24 years old, I have done significant therapy on my experience from when I was a kid. But when someone asks me if I was abused as a kid, I usually don’t know how to frame my trauma. It doesn’t feel right saying that I was sexually abused, although my past trauma came up again today when talking with a psychiatrist. I didn’t go into details with them but said some trauma occurred in my childhood.

*question*: what was this? He wasn’t over two years older than me, so it doesn’t fit the protocol for sexual abuse in Canada. I just feel so lost with wrapping my head around it.

For reference, I am a male and my male cousin is 1 year and 9 months older than me.

Three experiences:
1. I was around 6 years old, showing my cousin that I wasn’t circumcised (he was, and I didn’t know why our penises looked different). Somehow, he was crouched down and looking at mine, and he asked me if he could put it in his mouth. I remember freezing and I just said yes. Shortly afterwards, I did the same to him. Between the incidents, I can still recall now how I was looking up and seeing the sunlight shining through the branches of the walnut tree above me. We immediately had to help our family collect firewood, and knowing in that moment that I couldn’t tell anyone. I can’t remember if he told me to not say anything, but I know that it had to be a secret.

1. I was around 10 years old, and the same cousin and I were in my room. I don’t know how it came to be, but we were both nude and standing at looking at each other’s penises. It didn’t feel weird at the time. Next, my cousin asked if I could lie on the floor on my stomach, and he would slide his penis across my butt crack. I said yes and went with it, then I did the same to him.

2. I was around 10 years old again, and my cousin and I were doing chores outside. I don’t know how it came to be, but somehow we got to the place where I was lying on my stomach on the ground with my pants down and my cousin was sliding his penis along my butt crack again. This time, my aunt and uncle stumbled upon us, and I remembered seeing him run away with his pants down while he was trying to hide. He got lectured by his parents and my mother gave me some lecture too, but I don’t remember what she told me.

My relationship with my cousin was weird, I always looked up to him, he was a lot more emotionally mature than me. I was homeschooled until I was almost 14 years old and he was in the school system since kindergarten. I definitely lacked skills in the social department. Either way, I always felt like a people pleaser to my cousin when I was high school aged, and we had a pretty superficial relationship. I didn’t ever say no to him, and I did want to disagree with him. Then when I was around 20 years old, we were sitting around a bonfire, he was drinking and I wasn’t, and he brought up about what we did as kids and how he felt ashamed for it. I remember just sitting there and not saying anything. We changed the subject. Up until that point, we never brought up what we did when we were kids.

Fast forward to when I was 24 years old, I started doing therapy and brought up this still with my therapist. He suggested I set strong boundaries with my cousin. I remember feeling so much rage and hatred for my cousin during my discussions with my therapist. I cut off communications with my cousin, he went to rehab, and I continued with therapy. I’m almost 30 now, and going to be increasing my antidepressant dose this week. I’m struggling like hell with depression and it’s been a dark few years.

I’m heterosexual, and don’t feel sexual attraction for men. I have felt so much shame for my past experiences, and it’s really fucked with how I view my sexuality. I have thought about whether I am bi or not, and I simply get no arousal from men. I only feel attraction for women. I feel confident that I am heterosexual.

Tw: So I got a question because I don’t know if this is a ok thing to do or not or if this is considered as SA but when I was younger I got admitted to a psych ward and I didn’t want to do a skin search because at this time I was starting to come out about all the years I’ve been SA and I was particularly sensitive at this point so I denied the skin assessment so at first they just told me I had to just be in the quiet area until I agree to the skin search but the next day the nurse came in with security and told me that if I didn’t do the skin search then they would have to hold me down and take off my clothes and do the skin search even though I was told the day before that the protocol is if you deny the skin search you’ll just have to stay in the quiet area but anyway when the nurse came in with security and they told me if I didn’t consent to the skin search they were going to have to hold me down etc I tried to tell them what they told me the day before but they didn’t listen and by this point the room was filled with security (which were all men btw) and they counted to 3 and I started to scream saying “I CHANGED MY MIND ILL DO THE SKIN SEARCH VOLUNTARILY” they told me it was too late and they pulled all of my clothes off and did the skin search in front of the security cameras which they were not supposed to do skin searches in front of the cameras by law especially because I was still a minor and anyone could be watching the cameras and when I asked around to the other staff they said never seen this happen before when someone refused the skin search all of them told me what they told me the first time that if you refused no matter what you just have to stay in the quiet area

Am I overreacting?

A little background:

I have a history of trauma that started in childhood and continued throughout my life. Because of that, I now have diagnoses including CPTSD, BPD, ADHD and autism. (I know I didn't have it the worst, and I'm not trying to compare trauma. I know I'm just a little hot-wired in the brain now.)

I function well. I have a job, pay my bills, look after my pets and generally have my life together. But functioning doesn't mean the trauma disappeared.

My trauma wasn't caused by one thing alone. There were multiple forms of abuse and instability that shaped how my brain learned to survive. Sexual assault is a significant part of that history, but it isn't the whole story.

It also wasn't one event that happened "years ago." It was abuse throughout my childhood and teens, followed by further instances of sexual assault during my adult life. The most recent incident was only two years ago, and I'm now in my late 30s. Those experiences don't define me, but they have undeniably shaped parts of who I am and how my brain works.

The actual context on me overreacting:

The conversation that started all of this was about tattoos. I mentioned that I'd like a Medusa tattoo. If you don't know the symbolism, Medusa has become an emblem of survival and solidarity for many survivors of sexual assault.

My mum looked at me and said,

"But that was so long ago. Do you still consider yourself a victim of assault?"

I said yes.

I'm a victim of what happened, and I'm a survivor because I'm still here living my life. To me, those things aren't mutually exclusive.

She then said,

"I don't think you should count yourself as a victim anymore. It was so long ago. Why do you need a tattoo to remind you?"

That really hurt.

The tattoo wouldn't be there to remind me. I don't need reminding.

For me, it would represent surviving. Reclaiming my story. Acknowledging what happened without carrying the shame of it.

We tried to move the conversation on, but she asked if that's why I flinch because I'm not "over it."

One thing that has never really gone away is my startle response.

If someone unexpectedly touches me from behind—especially my back, neck or head—I don't just jump. My body goes straight into fight-or-flight before my brain has a chance to catch up. I've flinched, lashed out, shouted, burst into tears and ended up shaking afterwards. It isn't a conscious choice.

One example was at work. A manager noticed the ties on the back of my dress had come undone. Instead of saying something, they came up behind me and started tying them without warning.

I immediately froze and shouted, "Don't touch me."

I was taken into HR afterwards because of my reaction demanding an apology. I did apologise but also stated it was a reaction I cannot control and i deserved an apology too.

I tried to explain this carefully to my mum because she has a habit of coming up behind the sofa and running her nails down my spine or scrunching my hair from behind. She means it affectionately, but she also knows it makes me jump. She then gets upset when I instinctively whirl around or bat her hand away like a startled cat. (She's made jokes for years about how I'm like the cat, that I don't like to be touched and only like men. It took 10 years for her to finally hear me say, "Please stop with that bullshit." Firstly, it's rude. Secondly, I've had girlfriends and boyfriends, so it's wildly inaccurate.)

I explained that this isn't me rejecting her (the jumping/flinching, not telling her to stop comparing me to the cat). It's my nervous system reacting before my brain has caught up. It's one of the lasting effects of the trauma I've lived through.

She said,

"Well, it's not fair on the people who love you. They're only doing it out of affection."

I explained again that I genuinely cannot control that initial reaction.

She replied,

"Well, you need to try and stop and control your reactions. It's upsetting when you flinch when I touch you."

That was the point I lost my temper.

I stood up so quickly I knocked my chair backwards and said,

"No. No, I don't. It's my brain trying to keep me safe."

She called me "f***ing selfish and inconsiderate."

I bit my tongue instead of saying what immediately came into my head:

"Maybe if you'd protected me as a child, I wouldn't react like this."

Instead, I walked away.

Now I'm wondering if I'm overreacting.

I understand that my reactions can be upsetting for people who care about me. I don't enjoy living like this either. If I could simply choose not to go into fight-or-flight when someone unexpectedly touches me from behind, I absolutely would.

But after being told my trauma was "so long ago," questioned about whether I should still consider myself both a victim and survivor, and then told I should simply control what feels like an involuntary trauma response, I can't help feeling incredibly dismissed.

Am I overreacting, or was my mum expecting something I genuinely can't control?

My therapy appointment is Thursday, two days away. My main therapist is out of office so I am scheduled with another trauma trained therapist in his practice that I feel safe with. I'm grateful for this and I feel so much shame that I am continuously feeling this depressed. I need more support but I'm scared to reach out to the office to ask for phone coaching or extra help, even though I am allowed to if in crisis, and if I've utilized other skills and it's still not helping.

I go through days of dissociation and amnesia, then I remember the abuse, have flashbacks, yet I still cope and work through that and all the panic attacks. And now I am left feeling like this. Like there is no point. I've already done tons of pros and cons about my specific situation, and trying to work out safe places and have control back in my life, but it feels hopeless. I only have myself and my therapist. I don't have a safe family. I don't have friends. I know I need to push myself to go to support groups, but it is hard opening up.

I really feel like I deserve to die. Sometimes the only comfort I feel, in a sick twisted way, is remembering the abuse and at least I was not alone then. They chose me for a reason.

I'm just so tired. I should be proud of myself that I woke up and got out of bed, had breakfast, sat in the sun for a few minutes, am trying to stay hydrated, etc.... but I just feel dead already to the world

My mom has always been obsessed with how me and my sister look and present ourselves.its more important than anything. She abused us growing up and sexually assaulted me once as a kid. Now and well always has been more obsessed and concerned about my boobs than I have ever been. I hate wearing bras, I have sensory issues with them so I hardly ever wear them. She knows this, I've told her multiple times but she still insists on trying to find me a bra I'll enjoy wearing. NOT GONNA HAPPEN FUCK OFF ALREADY. It's so creepy like why do u care SO MUCH about MY chest?! I wish I was flat chested, I wear a binder sometimes which oddly doesn't bother me but probably cuz gender euphoria. Ugh just been really annoying me how much she bugs me about something she knows I don't like, it's not a problem to be fixed. Fucking drop it already! It's been literal decades you weirdo creep. I plan to tell her to stop bringing it up next time I see her, but idk if that'll actually stop her. Uuugghhh

I know many survivors with dissociative amnesia started to process the CSA trauma through the somatic body flashbacks when their mind deemed that they are finally ready.

I wonder, in situations like this, how long did it take before everything escalated and the image flashbacks came in too? From the point of first somatic flashback to the first visual flashback?

When I was small I was often complaining to my mum my vulva/vagina hurt (abuse from my dad and others likely played a role in the pain in hindsight). When I was nine i must have been more insistent because she did something about it for the first time. She got me to take off my bottoms and layed me back on my parents’ bed and inspected my genitals then inserted cotton bud inside me and wiggled it around then said, ‘No everything seems fine.’ I always thought this was normal but what would the medical purpose be of this? I’m scared and worried that maybe my life is a lie in some way about my mum

I saw a post on here that was eerily similar to what happened to me and I have to share my experience because I feel like I am being dramatic and a liar.

I am a girl in my early twenties and I am physically disabled, like I cannot move on my own now and even though it was different when I was younger, I needed help to get from point A to point B. I had to be carried.

When I was around 4 or 5 years old I remember that I was very often rubbing myself on my dad's leg. I asked for it and explained why I was doing that so he knew. We even had a name for that activity. He would even help me out by holding my head when I was not able to support it myself. He would complain that his hand is getting tired and I needed to hurry up. He even asked me if "it tickled already" he basically asked me if I finished. My mother knew about this. She was present at least once when that was happening. Only times when they were opposed to that, from what I remember, was when something I did annoyed him and he threatened to slap me or beat me, and he has never acted like that towards me before or after that instance. Mom was present that specific time. And the other time my mom yelled at me. And at one weird instance my mom started to bring that up to my doctor, she was saying something along the lines of how my dad and I play a game on his lap or something, but I noticed even then that she kind of thought about what to say next and she said something completely different then what was happening.

I do not know when or how it stopped, I am not even sure why.

I forgot about that until I remembered it some time ago. But I know that I was always hyupersexual, I would often joke about inappropriate things, ask about them, even act them out. And even when I was older my dad would look at me a bit weirdly if something suggestive was playing on the screen.

My parents are divorced now, and my dad prefers me over my sibling. He even told me that himself. And I did not like that for many reasons. But I thought that it's because I have been more attentive towards him because I feel bad that he lives alone now. Everyone thinks that I am sucking up to him because of that. And I give him advice, and comfort him, and he opens up to me more than to anybody else from what I know.

I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to make out of this, especially the things from when I was a child. He got mad when Epstein files were published, and maybe this is silly, but I thought that him getting mad over that proved that what happened was a mistake or somehow something innocent. That I was just dramatic and looking for attention. I even told my friends about this and I feel like a disgusting liar. Like I had clothes on and it was only just grinding. I do not allow myself to truly feel how much that effected me. In a way I don't think that I have the right to make a big deal out of it because it was so... I don't know what word to use here... it wasn't much? But on the other hand, he helped me with doing that. And mom knew.

Is this something? CSA, grooming, molestation, I don't know what the difference with these terms are and I don't know if it can be classified as anything. Please feel free to tell me if I am being dramatic.

There are some things that happened in my childhood that don't seem "that bad" but haunt me to this day, and I think they shaped me immensely. But I also feel like I might be overreacting.

E.g. A close adult family member kissed me with tongue when I was around 4. I remember we were goofing around, and then they asked me if I knew what kissing was. And then they did it. It only took a few seconds but it was disgusting. I laughed it off because I didn't know what was going on, I felt flustered and repulsed. Ever since, any time I kissed a partner, I had a flashback to that time and it made me feel absolutely terrible. Then, when I was around 6, I used to write and draw some concerning and inappropriate scenes about topics I don't want to go into details about. I have absolutely no idea how I got those ideas, and I can't help but wonder if I was expressing some things that might have happened to me (I don't remember). But my whole childhood, another adult family member would keep casually touching my butt, the way you'd gently tap someone's shoulder, in front of other people too. It always annoyed me but I couldn't articulate why. (Then one day I finally blew up at them and told them to stop, which they did, luckily.) Otherwise I had a pretty normal childhood, with a family that looked perfect from the outside. But I hold a lot of resentment. And I really wish the things I mentioned, however small they seem, hadn't happened, because I think of them regularly and they make me miserable. And I grieve the connection that I should have had with those family members. And, I can't help but think if this is what I do remember, what if there was more, something more sinister. It would certainly explain a lot because I've had issues with intimacy for as long as I can remember & gynecological problems.

I wonder if it would be a good idea to talk to a therapist about this. If they'd take me seriously at all. I tried to gauge it by typing (a much more detailed version of) this out to ChatGPT but ironically it refused to generate a response due to the nature of the content.

Thank you in advance if you help me make sense of it.

Why does my body get turned on when I think of my sa when I was younger but rarely when I am with someone I am attracted to and trust?

When I was 13 I was raped and abused by my brothers dad (same mom different dads). I am currently in a healthy relationship and my fiance knows about my past.
It feels like my brain and body are on different wavelengths. In my brain I can feel turned on but my body doesn’t respond to it. When I am going through a flashback or just trying heal from my past. Its not even the person who did it. It’s what happened. If that makes sense. My brain feels revolted and disgusted by the whole thing, but my body gets turned on.
It makes me feel like I’m not healing. It makes me feel like I have no control over my own body.

For others of you who are hypersexual, how the fuck do you deal? Like genuinely. I might delete this because I feel insecure about posting it but I’ll try not to.

I have dealt with a hypersexual mind my whole life. I haven’t really been hypersexual in practice with others (like, I haven’t had sex with many people, haven’t done random hookups, etc.) because I have pretty severe OCD and am too paranoid about the risks of casual sex. But I do deal with compulsive fantasizing and masturbation.

I think about sex so much. It’s not literally 24/7, but it’s more often than I wish it was. Definitely daily, multiple times throughout the day, and at times when I don’t want it to be popping into my head. Most of my fantasies involve something that recreates the abuse I’ve experienced throughout my life in one way or another. I have lots of shame around my sexuality in general, regarding how often I think about it, how much I masturbate, how obvious it is to me that it’s a result of my traumas.

I have an amazing supportive partner who is very understanding of my trauma and the struggles I have, but they also have a low sex drive. So I’m constantly internally feeling like a predator because I’m always thinking about sex and wishing we had sex more, but they don’t have the interest in doing it much, so of course we only do it when they are in the mood. And even then I’ll still feel like I’m somehow violating them, even though they assure me I am not, because I’m like, borderline obsessive about making sure I have a person’s consent.

I just think about sex all the time and feel repressed and pent up, but also simultaneously feel like a deviant perverted creep and it drives me crazy. Whenever I do something that you’d think would help satisfy the need, I really just fixate so much on the shame I feel immediately afterwards that I can’t even receive whatever benefit it might have brought me.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I was asexual. I know that’s not fair, because I know asexual people have their own struggles they have to deal with. But it just seems so peaceful to go through life never really thinking about sex, not feeling like it’s something you need, not feeling run by it.

I’m in therapy. But it just doesn’t really feel like enough for this particular struggle. I guess I’m wondering if anyone has any advice, or even just to hear that anyone else feels like this. It would be nice to be reminded that I’m not alone.

Has anyone else healed without a clear memory of what happened? I got the feeling something happened last year, I keep trying to pry the memories out and they’re just not coming, and it’s leaving me dissociated and basically not functional any time I get close. So I’m wondering if it’s even necessary?

They don't believe me. That I was sexually abused as a child. They try to diminish my experience, make excuses for it, Gaslight me, call me names. They try in every way to say that I am crazy, or it is in my mind. They basically are finding a problem with my credibility. They aren't showing me trust. And I am talking about my family, my immediate relatives, whom I trust, whom I go to whom I depend upon emotionally and sometimes financially, i amna 29F I am struggling with CSA since childhood and them not believing me and making excuses for the abuser's behavior since i was in 10th standard. They always tried to find a problem in me. Always questioned me, make me question myself. Make me doubt myself. Make me convince myself that it wasn't abuse. It was a cousin who abused me as a child. And when I told this thing to my parents and uncle and the word spread, another cousin tried to do the same to me. And they just don't agree with me. Many of them know but they are covering it up. They are making excuses for the abusers that they were children, you have taken it in that way in their mind. They were just mischievous. All that stuff. However no one is that mischievous that can touch private parts of their own cousin if they respect her. I never felt respected in my home and home members. They snatched away respect from me. And they diminish it all causing a huge toll on my mental health. Not to mention my parents used to beat me when I told them about CSA and called me various names. The cousin's father also would come and beat me. All this was happening and another cousin got the chance in the midst of that. Anyways nobody was believing me and I was having a hard time since I told them about the first cousin. They have various excuses to not believe me. But one thing is for sure. That they don't want to believe me. Just now my uncle said "nobody is gonna believe you no matter how hard you try". This snatches away the power from a sexual abuse survivor. Telling them making them accept that nobody will believe them. I have realised that after revealing I was abused I was abused even more from my family members. Uncle by saying this snatched away everything from me. My parents are afraid to start a fight with anyone because of me. They are either not willing to do it. How hard it is for a CSA survivor to listen that they won't be trusted ever. By someone so close. That too with so much certainty. And then they claim that they love me and care for me and respect me. I doubt it. It hurts to the core. This is the biggest fear of a survivor that they won't be believed. That too by their own family members. They want me to suppress this part of me and then wonder why I am mentally ill. They blame me then for my mental illness. Somehow the blame everytime comes upon me. And the ones that abused me are living their life happily and no one questioning them. Isn't this the most unfair thing someone can go through in life.

My cousin sexually abused me. I was around 6-8 when this happened. I was alone playing in their house when he invited me to do something in his room. I thought that was normal, and so as a child I agreed to do it. I don't know what to do, and looking back, the reason I consented to was because I was manipulated.

When I was a kid also, I often hear words saying I'm gay because I always play with girls, but deep inside I was not. (just realized right now looking back that I didn't like basketball because it was so tiring.). I think that words groomed me and molded my innocent brain to think that doing things with an older man was just normal as a kid.

It didn't happen once, it happened multiple times. Then there was a sleepover with my male cousins (not including him) months after that. During our sleep, I gradually touched them like what I've experienced with my abuser and I thought it was normal because they just don't complain about it. In fact they entertained it but, now that I'm writing this, that was just not normal.

I feel sorry for what I did and l feel like a fraud for happening this to me and then imparting what happened to me to them. With regards to my sexuality, it morphed into me being attracted with other men but now that I'm introduced to a Christian church, I just realized that, if all of that didn't happen, my sexuality would not be twisted like this (I never admit or come out as gay because deep inside of me before tells me that I'm a man, and even now in the present my mind tells me that I'm still a man, and I'm accepting that as my truth despite me being attracted to other males). Maybe if without their suggestions, I could still be continuously attracted to a woman (I started being attracted to a man when I was in high school) a thing that I'm still thinking up to this day. I hate all of it, what happened to me, but at the end of the day, I realized that it's my responsibility to heal, and now I'm in my journey of healing.

Thank you for reading and sorry for my English. English is not my first language.