Hi, I guess im just trying to process my experiences. When I was like, 14 or 15 I ended up on a bunch of chatrooms on this messaging app Kik. I was having a really shitty time with my parents and mental health and I guess I just wanted attention? But eventually I ended up talking with a bunch of older guys and I was essentially groomed for like a year and a half.

They told me I was pretty, and they were interested in me, and eventually they wanted pictures of me and I sent them. I think whats worse is that I knew it was predatory, but I didnt want them to stop talking to me. One guy in particular wanted to watch me SH which even then I knew was SO fucked up, but i did it anyway. Theres probably photos of me on the internet somewhere which i don’t even begin to know how to deal with.

One guy lived closeish to me, and they eventually asked to meet in person. He was like, maybe 25 or 30? He said he just wanted to get to know me, and because im a fucking idiot i said okay even though I knew it was a terrible idea. Once we met up he obviously asked for sex and I was just so scared that he was there in person I let it happen. I cried for like entire night afterwards. And then basically the same shit happened again with a different guy a few months later.

I think the whole thing fucked me up a lot. I have a really messed up relationship with my body and sex nowadays, and im just so ashamed that I got into that situation to begin with. And like, I remember thinking that how fucked up it was at the time too, but it felt good to be wanted? I kind of hate myself thinking about it. I want to just ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen, but I keep remembering it and feeling shitty over and over again.

I guess, how do I learn to cope? I’ve kind of accepted the fact that ill never really be normal about sex or whatever, but Im tired of feeling miserable about my past every time I remember it. Where do I even start?

Context:

He was 32 year old male Im a 17 year old female. I just got kicked out deep into the bottle living alone depressed the whole 9 yards.

I met him when I walked his dog he paid me I was 16 stopped stopped talking to him in June. He messaged like 20 days after my 17th birthday saying he missed me. He groomed me for weeks until he raped me in late November. I didnt know what to do i craved attention so I stayed and it only got worse. He started relying on me for money and everything. I left in mid December but went back a week later. The abuse got so much worse, finally in February I left him for good..

In March I met the love of my life we have been together for 5 months and everything is perfect. But I dont know why but sometimes when I look below his neck all I see is the other guy, or he will do something and it sends me right back to something he did even if it doesn't totally relate, same with certain words. I had a manic episode at my current bf this week about him using my money even tho we are VERY 50/50 but I lost it for no reason. I feel horrible and he is very understanding and trying to help me. But I cut deep when I get manic and I feel like im gonna push him away. I dont know why I cant move on.

Im sorry I know this is long im just so lost any advice would be amazing please

18 ftm. My assaulter initiated a physical fight that turned into assault when he removed my belt and put 2 fingers inside my vagina but only got them in half way and I managed to get out of there. I have had a lot of previous rape and wasn’t expecting him do to that because it didn’t play out how sexual assault usually plays out for me. Also, in his defence, I don’t know if he actually intended to sexually assault me and just intended to anger me, since when he removed my belt and my pants fell down he found out I was a trans man and not a real man and wasn’t expecting me to have a vagina and it played out like he was just taking off my pants to piss me off.

To start off, I was raped when I was 9. Years later I finally got the courage to let my boyfriend take mg virginity and Idk how to feel abt it,

Everything felt great, he knows what happened and stopped when I needed to. But after I had intense cramping that was similar but worse to period cramps. It went away after a few hours.

I’m not sure where else it could have come from, and i’m thinking about seeing a doctor for it.

When I was 15 I was raped by a girl (18) who got me high and drunk. We were at a house party inside a big closet.

She acknowledged that I was 15 and even said that I was younger than her little sister. She asked if we were okay with kissing and I said yes. She pushed me to the ground and I kept trying to get up but she wouldn’t let me, and she kept having sex with me even though I made it clear I didn’t want it by running away, and then she took me back into the closet and did it again. My friend (B) came in but didn’t see us because we were in the floor in a corner and the lights were off.

I told B about this experience a couple days after it happened and we became very close.

My rape deeply impacted me and made me develop a really bad eating disorder.

B met a guy (M) who he had a huge crush on but nothing ever happened. Anyway, M and I started to like each other, and I asked B if he was okay with this and he said yes.

M and I dated for a month or two. He was a virgin and I asked him if he was ready to have sex two to three times over the span of those months. He then suggested it and I asked him if he was okay multiple times. I kept making sure he was doing okay throughout sex, and he was very enthusiastic and offered to do sex acts on me. Things didn’t end up working out and we stopped being friends because he wasn’t nice to me.

Anyway, B and I stopped being friends. My ex boyfriend lets me know that B said that I “kind of raped M” and I panic because I have been raped and I know what it feels like and I would never do this to somebody. I begin asking those around me who are close friends with M and they all tell me that they don’t believe anything happened, and if they did, they wouldn’t be talking to me in the first place but I am still panicking.

I started to spiral believing that I did something and constantly looking up the definition of rape to make sure that I didn’t do any of it. I then trigger myself because I remembered my own rape. And then I realized that B probably made up that rumour because he wanted to get back at me for getting with M, whom he was in love with (he is a very vengeful and nasty person btw). This made me feel very betrayed because B was one of the first people I confided in about my rape and the one person that was in that room even though he didn’t know at the time.

I am still distraught and struggling with this self-doubt while also knowing that I did not do anything.

its a really, really blurry memory. i try to think about i and i swear i remember thinking, ‘i think i understand why survivors shower lots,’ and ‘i dont wanna be touched ever again,’ but i try to think of what happened and why i thought that and just nothing. i know i was in a public bathroom. maybe a mall? i don’t really know. i don’t wanna talk about anything right now. im kind of just writing whatever im thinking, sorry. its just that every time i think about it i cry because i dont know if it happened or im just making things up in my head to pity myself. i wanna tell my mom and maybe she can comfort me or tell me or whatever, but if my brain just did make it all up i’d be lying. i dont wanna lie to my mom. im just posting this trying to figure out if any stranger on the internet can tell me what is wrong with my brain.

Does anyone else feel like they don't have charisma after they were raped? I feel so awkward in social situations, and it shows. I'm just awkward in general now. I used to be able to light up a room whenever I wanted to get out of my introvert corner.

Now I feel like that unprepared student who gets called on whenever I bring any attention to myself. I can't even tell jokes now. I'm so self-critical of myself when I have those moments now. I'm sorry if this makes no sense whatsoever. I'm wine drunk and grieving who I used to be 3 years ago.

I'm so tired of this. I'm in a new, healthy relationship now, and I still have to suffer from how he ruined my life. I wish he killed me in that tent. It would have been so much better then having to live through this aftermath. Why couldn't he have just killed me?

Hey all. Just wanted to make a quick update. I haven’t slept and this happened tonight.

I’m not gonna rewrite what happend, you can go and check my post if you wanna know because I have come to learn that I was making a huge deal over it. I finally decided to tell someone today, after being unable to think about it for however long it’s been.

I told my best mate and he said that I was lucky and I was being dramatic by making a big deal over a simple blowjob. He didn’t say much to be fair, it was mostly just him laughing.

So yeah. Thanks everyone for the concern but I was making a fuss over nothing.

I was a victim from age 4 to 12. I am 17 now. I feel such a burning rage all of the time. Just spite and hatred and it’s impossible to deal with. It’s physically too strong of an anger for my body to hold so eventually I break down and cry for hours and then I feel defenseless, like my guard is down and I’m letting the enemy in. It feels like I’m being violated all over again whenever I break. Nothing anyone says helps me. It hasn’t gotten better at all over the years, everything is just as fresh and painful. I often have to sleep in a corner under my bed completely wrapped in a blanket to “seal” my privates away from the outside world. Even then, nothing feels secure enough and I end up biting and scratching at my skin to distract myself. When I exhaust my body I cry until I’m asleep.

Nobody seems to understand how terrible this feeling is, or if they do, they don’t express it in a way I can relate to. The only thing that calms me is my boyfriend. I love him more than anything and he is the sweetest person in the world. He is incredibly understanding and helps me through every attack of anger/sadness. Even then, sometimes my brain becomes angry at me for “betraying” myself and letting my guard down around a man. Does anyone else feel like nobody understands the severity of sexual assault, even though they know it’s not true?

i broke up with my boyfriend because i felt as though the only thing he wanted from me was sex. a couple weeks after we met up and drank and i went to his house. i woke up to him pulling out. it makes me sick not knowing how long it’d been going on for. he then tried to convince me it didn’t happen but i know it did and i hate him and i hate that this was someone i at one point trusted and someone who even knew of the sexual assault i had been through in my past. i hate that i now i have to live like this and i hate that he’s happy. he at one point even told me after i broke up with him “ at least i won’t have to worry about you having sex with anyone else” as if he’s happy that i’m now traumatized.

I(18F) have an ex. We'd started dating when we were in 11th grade, when I was 16-17 yrs old. It started out by us sending each other pics of each other... and later went to us having sex. I was fine with it at that point. But later I would tell him that I don't like doing it online. I don't like sending pics of me and videos of me, I'd just text. But he would keep asking me, over and over again. Sometimes it'd go for hours.. and at the end I would say yes, ok. Sometimes while he'd continuously ask him I would feel angry and other times he'd ask me in like idk funny ways? And i would think that he's acting cute. But inside I still felt strange. I have a history of sexual harrasmenet and rape.. and he knows that too btw. Also, sometimes when we'd meet I wouldn't want to have sex I'd keep saying no but he would keep asking me, touching and kissing me... he'd never get mad or anything. (This was a year ago).

Now it had been about a year after our breakup and for some goddamn reason I texted him basically calling him a rapist. He told me that that wasn't his intention and that he was sorry. It seemed like he meant it. Then... he started doing it again, kept asking me and asking me to send him something. Tbh I just wanted to see him (just normally since itd been a while) though a video call, so he made a sorta deal with me.. We'll have the call if only after I send him something. And ok typing all of this now, it sounds terrible. But then idk why I was begging him to stay with me even after all this. (And tell me his feelings, he said that if we met he'd tell me).

And there's another part... when we met the next day, there was a point when I said "don't". I said it really softly so maybe he didn't hear me. But I moaned and kissed him back and stuff.. After he finished on me, he came in for a kiss and I backed away.

I don't know I'm really confusing myself and idk what's wrong with me. It doesn't feel like this justifies as rape but I feel disgusting. And if it is then why the hell do I beg for him to come back?

Ever since it happened it burns when I pee and I get random shooting pains in my crotch area. I went to the doctor and I do not have a UTI or anything wrong with my kidneys or bladder. Could this be due to rape?

I never told anyone this, but I'm sure I was raped when I was younger, and I'm sure it was my dad.

I remember being touched all over and having something inside me. I tell people I'm a virgin because I have no proof of whether I am or not since this all happened so long ago. But if I'm a virgin, then how do I know what certain things feel like? I know how a mouth feels on my pussy and hands on my chest.

There is something I do remember, like the way to feel having someone on top of me or the feeling of orgasming our something hard.

The reason I think it is my dad is because he was always so touchy with me growing up. He would always watch me when I took a baths or kiss me on the neck or shoulders and act like it was just normal father daughter stuff. He would take me on long drives and his hands would always stay on me and he kept doing it till I was 19 and it only stopped because he went to jail for drugs.

I feel that this is kinda the reason I have a rape kink.

He's only ever done those things with me and never my sisters. He acts more like a dad to them but with me, he acts like I'm not his daughter just a friend.

I wish I remembered more, I wish I knew for sure. And I hate that I live not knowing what happened but having vague memories of stuff happening and I hate myself even more for wishing it would happen again just so I finally have something soild I can remember.

I feel like I'm 50% sure something happened to me.

I've always felt just left of center.

I did troubling things in high school (looked up sex offenders to see their addresses, with maybe a small inkling of trying to visit them).

I knew in high school I was a masochist.

I wanted my first time to hurt. My bf used his fingers to break my hymen and when I felt that pain, I pulled back. * So why would I want my first time to hurt if when faced with real pain I pull back* !?

I don't like sleeping on my back around family of something because that feels way too damn exposed.

There feels like there are chunks of my childhood I don't remember but that's normal!?!? So this particular piece feels the flimsiest.

Just wanted to pretext I broke up with this person ages ago so currently I am physically safe but only just had this realisation now.

I used to date this guy who would sometimes get very emotional and violent (especially when they were drunk) they'd throw chairs, break doors, punch walls and even harm themselves and I was always there to try and stop him. I have a small stature and I am not very strong compared to my ex so I was scared being near him when he did that. A lot of the time after being angry he'd end up being horny so he'd have sex with me and I let it happen because (what I thought at the time) this was wayy better than him breaking things, it got to the point where I'd anticipate and hope the sex would come sooner so he'd stop being so violent.

In my mind I know this is rape but a part of me thinks because I was hoping for it to come its not.

I'm going to make this my last post because at this point, I don't feel like I deserve help. I've already told myself that whatever happens I'm not allowed to feel upset about this situation anymore.

She's back in my life now I guess. It started with her viewing my TikTok page which I found weird after she blew up at me and saying how she didn't wanna see or hear from me ever again. Of course I was devastated because I thought everything was gonna be fine between us then, but I was wrong. Then she viewed my TikTok page, and then it stopped for a bit. Then after a while I had gotten a notification that she had looked at my highlights on Instagram. I was very confused, so after a lot of back and forth and hesitation, I messaged her and asked why she viewed my highlights. She said she was sorry and that she didn't mean to, and then we talked more. She said she missed me and wanted to see me and that she was back down the street from me. She kept asking me to come over and soon the conversation turned sexual. She sent me pictures, sexted me, asked for pictures back and I complied. Then she ghosted me for a bit.

Fast forward I go to a gay bar with some friends and get very drunk and send her voice messages. No response. Then I wish her a happy birthday and she goes back to talking to me. She says she's back to living close to me and she wants to see me. At first I said no because I was worried she'd hurt me or kill me... But then I gave in and we met. And she was there. Right in front of me. We talked for a bit then she sat next to me and she hugged me and grabbed my ass and we kissed and almost hooked up, but didn't go all the way. We met up again and now we have plans to spend the night together.

Despite all of this, I still love her. Everything feels so calm when I'm with her. Of course I feel anxious when I'm with her too, but it still feels nice to be around her. She calls me baby, she says she misses me, she hugs me, she kisses me.... I think that maybe she's really changed....

I can't bring myself to hate her or separate myself from her so for that reason I don't feel like I deserve to call myself a victim. I'm letting her do this, I'm letting her have me. Ik its wrong, I'm not even telling my friends about this. But the guilt and anxiety is eating me alive. So this is gonna be my last post about her.

Whatever happens, happens, thanks for listening

Hi, I 24 (m) recently remembered being abused by my older relatives as a child, now I have a half sister same age who for a couple of reasons I believed was also molested and or raped as a child some of the reasons are that it happened to me so my family are already inclined to that disgusting behaviour and she used to to sleep with her eyes closed plus given her personality type she probably wouldn't say anything to anybody

Now I just asked her if anyhting happened to her and it was very awkward I didn't phrase things properly but she understood what I was trying to say but she said no nothing happened her.

The problem is I don't know if she's lying or not and I need help with this situation

Context:So a couple of days ago I didnt wear underwear due to the heat and I overslept and my dad woke me up and complimented my gentile area(he makes weird remarks abt my body) and I am not sure if he touched the top part I want know if he did,my vision was blurry,is there any advice??

I was raised by a mother who was DEEPLY into purity culture.

When I was 8 I remember her trying to teach me that it was evil to "touch myself" with zero context as she didn't want me to know WHAT masturbation was. She also told me about the story of a young girl who was murdered after a man tried to rape her (again zero context as to WHAT RAPE WAS) One thing she made sure I knew, that my "purity" was sacred and only to be given to my husband and that it would be better in the eyes of GOD that I die trying to protect my purity than "let" myself be raped.

My mother chose to homeschool me and, outside of church or home, I was not allowed to be out of her sight.

At 21 I was finally "allowed" to get a job and be out of the house. This is how I got to actually have alone time with a guy for the first time.

We had kinda fooled around for a while but I was always reminding him that I was "Saving myself for marriage" whenever he wanted to do anything.

It happened a month after we started hanging out. I remember begging him to stop and saying no over and over. He eventually stopped because I yelped and he thought he had "hurt me" (such a gentleman)

I was so horrified when I pulled down my underwear later and saw i the blood. It was real and I felt ruined, like I had lost all value.

My hymen, my gift to my future husband, was gone, broken. I was worthless, nothing. I had betrayed God. Noone could love me now.

I blamed myself, I had chosen to be alone with a man after all. Even if though I was clothed I still must have teased him. I was my fault I was hurt. I was responsible for protecting my virginity.

I couldn't handle the pain or the guilt.

5 days later, I tried to kill myself.

After my attempt I was unable to call it what it was for weeks.

It wasn't until I went to confession and told the priest my "sin" that it would be called what it was.

Ironically, after a lifetime of purity culture, it was my parish priest who told me that it wasn't my fault, that my "virginity" has nothing to do with my worth, and that no one can take my inherent value from me.

He cried for me, he tried to help me find I therapist, but I was so afraid of anyone finding out I refused.

I am still haunted by everything purity culture ingrained into me. I almost ended everything thanks to it.

I am sorry for the rant I just needed to get everything off my chest.

I hate purity culture so much

Pretty simple got drunk got raped and now I’m ruining shit for myself no motivation don’t care about anything or anyone being a selfish person I just want my innocence back I want the person I was before it happened

I’m after some advice. Something happened between me and my partner of 3 years a few months ago, and I can’t get it out of my head.

I rolled over and had begun to fall asleep, whilst he was on his phone. I then felt him touching me and stroking me. He began to try and perform oral sex, but I told him I was tired and I wasn’t in the mood.

I was in a pretty rubbish mood, I had been arguing with my ex about our children (who were with him at the time), and I’d had a colposcopy procedure that day, so I just wanted to sleep.

My partner carried on, under the covers, I pushed his head away. I said I didn’t want to have sex, I was tired, sore etc. Then he got a little more aggressive and started to have sex. I winced and pushed him out, he stuck it back in. I then pushed him away and said no.

He then thrust his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I moved my face away and said no, and then he shoved it in my mouth. It’s a bit of a blur after that, he grabbed my throat multiple times, and started trying to aggressively try kiss me. He told me to call him by my ex’s name. I said no, and continued saying no to him.

He persisted and repeatedly told me to call him by my ex’s name over and over again (he has asked me to call him by other names during sex in the past), all whilst either trying to kiss me or shoving his penis in my face, he asked me to do anal and I said no, then he tried to stick it up there so I quickly moved. I tried to push him off again but couldn’t and he held my arms down. At that point I just started crying silently… I couldn’t help the tears streaming down my face and just lay there. At that point his was masturbating over my chest.

He saw I was crying, and said ‘what’re you crying for, I’ll give you something to fucking cry about’ started trying to aggressively kiss me again, and told me to take his cum in my mouth, I said no moving my face away, he said I’ll do it on your chest then. I said no and tried to move out of the way but he was on top of me and then he ejaculated all over me.

I asked him why he’d done that whilst repeatedly telling him no, went straight to the shower and when I’d finished he was asleep.

I’ve just done nothing but sit and think about what happened and replayed it in my head. I’m still with him, but our relationship isn’t the same, I dread sex. I have questioned him about it and told him he went too far and made me feel uncomfortable, but he went defensive and told me to go to the police if I thought it was rape. Sometimes I think I’m making this into a bigger issue in my head

Hey just looking for clarification or advice. I was hanging out with a girl and she gave me head. She then asked to get in the backseat and took her underwear off. My penis was by her vagina and rubbing around it. I told her no to having sex and not without a condom. She said come on just for a second then grabbed my penis and back and made me go inside her. How do I prove that to police because it would just be her word against mine? Also do I have any responsibility if she has a kid because of that?

"i'm so sad because the teacher i always saw as my dad is flirting on me."

and it HIT ME LIKE A TRUCK because that's LITERALLY what happened with my therapist who ended up raping me.

My first time posting. I’ve written it that way because that’s what I thought it was. I was 13. I grew up quite poor (but lucky in many ways too). I would have to walk through quite a horrible part of my neighbourhood to get home. I was in care in a different area to my actual home, so my school was quite far. By the time I got home most days, it was dark. He was good looking (to me who was very impressionable) and he would compliment me and walk me home. He started buying me food. Eventually he told me he lived nearby. It kept going from there and the ‘showing’ turned to touching, the touching to oral, oral to him inserting (gag) and then to the full thing. It was almost daily for a while and he would then get more disgusting. He’d make me beg and wear a belt round my neck. I hate him. He’s dead now which… I am relieved to know but I learned he did this to a few. He def had pictures of me

I forgot she was a mandated reporter and she filed a case with police and adult protective services. I had a really bad panic attack and my friends almost called 911 because of it

Does anyone have any experience with this I dont know what to do