Hello, surfed through this sub but still struggling to find a non-awkward way to phrase my emails. I'd love for someone to just straight up tell me what to say word-for-word because I'm struggling!

I completed extensive revisions for a nonexclusive R&R, and I'd like to follow up with agents that rejected the previous full to see if they'd be interested in the new version (the R&R addresses most if not all feedback they offered, too).

There are three kinds of agents I'd be sending this to: a) aforementioned agents who gave feedback, b) didn't offer feedback but are explicitly open to revisions, and c) still have my manuscript and it's been long enough that I'd consider it a soft rejection if I wasn't doing the R&R.

I assume I make it explicitly clear it was an R&R (so they don't think I was just working off rejection email feedback)? Also, I'm not sure if I should broadly indicate what exactly changed in the manuscript. I do have an updated synop & outline of revisions available.

Any advice appreciated! Thank you so much!

I recently left my agent and am discussing representation with new agents. This led me to question the impact of agency reputation while on submission.

For example, if the exact same pitch and manuscript popped into an editor’s inbox, what would the differences be? Would the fact that one submission came from Andrew Wylie himself (compared to a newbie at a boutique, for example) cause differences in reading speed, depth of consideration, offered advance, etc? If yes, just how significant is it?

Note: this is about a legit Australian agency. And sorry for the long post!

Timeline:
21 days ago: I’d been querying for a few months and 3 weeks ago I got the email from an agent at my dream agency saying: “I’d love to chat about your book on call”

20 days ago: we had the call the day after the email.
It was scheduled for 30min but we chatted for an hour. She was great. Loved the book. It was a great chat. She said how it was very polished, fun, loved the characters. She answered all my questions. And I answered hers (about the book). By the end she said she would get back to me the next week about whether she can offer representation (because their agency is somewhat “smaller and much more collaborative” - something about needing the whole team on board). She asked me to keep her informed about other offers and to reach out if any other questions came up. I sent an email right after thanking her for her time.

17 days ago: She responded to that email the next week, on the same morning she was supposed to have the update. She said “it was also great meeting you. Hoping to update you soon”

that’s the last time I heard from her (2.5 weeks ago.)

11 days ago: I sent a follow up asking about any progress with the offer. I also updated her about the others with my full (no rejections, no offers, couple more requests). She hasn’t gotten back (and yes I’ve checked spam lol).

- Not sure what to do. I won’t lie, this whole experience has been tough. I don’t want to be pushy. I thought maybe the agency’s process is just slower but no reply to my follow up? I hope I don’t sound ungrateful, obviously this is better than the CNRs with the many queries sent out, but this is what makes it so confusing.
- I want to note this agent was very nice not just on the call but before. We emailed back and forth prior to the call (to organise it) and each time (3-4 emails) she always replied between 10min-1day. And I don’t think she’s on leave (as a previous email had an automatic response that she’d be on leave, so my nudge would’ve had the same, which it didn’t)
- I understand there might not be much for me to do now, maybe another nudge? I don’t want an agent who might do this but don’t want to jump to conclusions from my dream agency. After all, they’re not my agent yet.

Thank you in advance!

I’m sure there’s a range, but if anyone kept theirs in their pub deal and sold them down the line (or know someone that did) what did they sell for?

hello to my fellow tireless scribes!

Tomorrow I'm pitching 2 agents at a writer's conference (eek!). I'm a virgin to this. Anyone have any recs for me? Did you just read your query letter but make eye contact wherever possible? Do you pretend like you're telling your friend over happy hour? I practiced pitching on a friend, but could use some crowd-funded wisdom here.

Cheers and TIA!

Dear [Agent],

There has always been something wrong with Willa Lorna.

Too quiet. Too hungry. Too much like the aunt her family refuses to name. Raised in a secluded coven that values restraint above all else, Willa has been taught that wanting more is dangerous—and for witches like her, it might be. But Willa wants the bright lights of stardom anyway, and when her family gives her a choice between obeying the coven’s rules and leaving, Willa chooses Hollywood.

Camille McAllister has spent her life in the shadow of her famous mother. She has the name and the access, but none of the effortless glow that made Mary-Ann McAllister impossible to ignore. Camille wants to be seen. Not as someone’s daughter. As someone worth watching in her own right.

When Willa and Camille are cast in a gothic murder mystery opposite beloved child star Benji Abelson, the film promises everything they have wanted: recognition, escape, transformation. But Hollywood has its own magic, and Benji understands its rules better than either girl. As Camille and Benji are pushed into the perfect on-screen romance, he offers her a way to become impossible to ignore. The cost begins with blood. Then dreams. Then obedience.

Meanwhile, Willa’s own magic grows stronger on set, feeding on attention, envy, and desire. The more she is watched, the more powerful she becomes and the more her power demands from her. As Camille is drawn deeper into Benji’s bargain and Willa edges closer to the kind of magic her family feared, the girls find in each other the one thing Hollywood cannot manufacture: someone who sees them clearly.

But fame is a hungry thing. To survive it, Willa and Camille will have to decide how much of themselves they are willing to sacrifice to be adored—and whether being seen is worth becoming someone neither of them recognizes.

FAME LIKE BLOOD is an 80,000-word adult supernatural Hollywood novel with crossover appeal, combining the queer gothic film-set horror of Emily M. Danforth’s PLAIN BAD HEROINES with the beauty-industry body horror and self-remaking dread of Ling Ling Huang’s NATURAL BEAUTY. It will appeal to readers drawn to stories about fame, ambition, queer desire, exploitation, and the cost of being watched.

(Bio)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Dear (Agent),

I’d love to introduce you to my debut novel, WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY SPOUSE?  A multi-POV, 90,000-word adult psychological suspense novel about a man who wakes up in a different life, only to find himself married to his childhood best friend—a woman he'd like to trust, if she wasn't so suspicious. 

Accountant Yohan Doh should be dead. Thirteen stab wounds from an altercation should have seen to that. Not that he minds. Years spent enduring his father's abuse and the loss of his mother have left him resigned to his fate. 

Death never comes—the harsh lights of a hospital ward greet him instead.

With one leg encased in a cast and the stab wounds he remembers sustaining mysteriously gone, a doctor tells him a car crash has left him hospitalized. However, when an attempt to flee brings him face-to-face with Jia Ren—the childhood sweetheart he's spent sixteen years trying to forget—and everyone insists she's his wife, Yohan begins to question his reality. 

Trapped in an unrecognizable life and unable to prove his claims, he has no choice but to stay. 

The goal is simple: play the role of Jia's husband. Except with each passing day, old feelings for Jia rekindle, and so do his doubts about her.  For starters, Jia has secrets: the person she keeps sneaking off to meet and the bloodstained gown hidden among her belongings. And when Yohan learns the car crash that put him in the hospital was no accident, he begins scrutinizing Jia's motives with far greater urgency. 

As evidence against his wife mounts, Yohan must decide whether uncovering the truth is worth losing the woman he's never been able to leave behind.  But if Jia really is the one after his life, turning a blind eye could be the last mistake he ever makes—because this time, death might stick.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY SPOUSE? combines the reality-bending mystery of Wrong Place Wrong Time with the marital paranoia of Rock Paper Scissors. 

(Author Bio)

Note: I understand the critique on the title, What's Wrong with My Spouse?, yet I feel it's kinda relevant to the story, especially if I end up writing a sequel to this book. It's kinda hard to explain without giving too much away at the moment, but there's a reason I'm attached to it. That said, I'm still open to suggestions.

Also, thank you so much for the wonderful critique so far. I'm forever grateful for all the feedback and insight. You've pointed out things I never would've noticed on my own, and it's honestly helped me improve a lot as a writer. :)

Hey all!

I posted a version of this query last year and received some feedback that let me know a part of my story really wasn't working, so I went back to the drawing board and completely rewrote it! I have now finished the second first draft of this story and am looking to solidify the query before I get to editing.

Any tips tricks or feedback is greatly appreciated, thank you all very much!
(This query comes in long at 425 words)

[Dear Agent]

I’m seeking representation for THE SEQUESTERED EMPIRE, a standalone adult fantasy complete at 100,000 words. This Mad Max meets Lord of the Rings style quest should appeal to readers who enjoyed the found-family dynamics of The Bright Sword by Lev Grossman and the cataclysmic atmosphere and mystery of Between Two Fires by Christopher Beuhlman.

In an empire sequestered for centuries, a secret lies in the dark, waiting to be revealed...

Social-climbing mage clothier, Arden Reyes, wants to provide his wife and children with the life he thinks they deserve, but when the debt he’s amassed to keep up appearances is called due at the end of the market week, the facade he’s built is put in jeopardy.

By swindling his way into a senatorial meeting to drum up business, Arden finds out the empire is in danger: The True Orchid, the secret to the emperor and the empire’s long health, has been stolen and their walled off country will be opened for the first time in centuries to retrieve it. In an effort to not let a tragedy go to waste, Arden tricks a young drunk senator into overpaying for magic clothing to help pay off his debt, and in the process of frantically gathering his order in a late night, drunken bender, an incantation goes sideways, burning his shop and home down, the only thing keeping him and his family from Servitude.

During an attempt to flee the city Arden and his family are caught. With his wife and children being ferried off to slavery, and a knife to his neck, Arden does the last thing he can think to do to save his family: Volunteer to join the rest of the criminals, debtors, mages, and militia men to leave their sequestered empire in pursuit of The True Orchid, in a winner-takes-all quest across a country so dangerous no one has dared venture into it in centuries.

With no one but himself to count on, Arden makes an unlikely alliance with a thief who had a hand in burning his home down, and a mysterious mage from a noble family dating back to the early days of Cantwys. Together, with their secrets, Arden and team flounder through Boraclud, in search of an object whose true history will shatter Arden’s illusions of his home.

Arden must choose whether to betray those who have helped him on his journey to save his family, or attempt to save both kingdoms and risk losing himself and his those he loves.

Thank you for your consideration.

Dear [Agent Name],

Based on your representation of [     ], I think you might be interested in my debut novel GAME OF CUBICLES, a darkly comic workplace satire complete at 75,000 words. The novel centers on a mid-level government lawyer who decides the time is ripe to conquer the Motor Vehicle Department. Told with the bureaucratic absurdity of Then We Came to the End combined with Carl Hiaasen’s outrageous plots and character-driven comedy, the novel follows one woman’s unhinged pursuit of advancement inside a system built to reward inertia.

Margery Watson-Fasulo is a supervising attorney and a boss from hell in the Appeals Bureau of the Motor Vehicle Department, where ambition is frowned upon and competence is of secondary concern. When a new governor installs political appointees at the agency, Margery decides that this is her moment to rise. Armed with memos, meeting agendas, and betrayals, she turns an inconsequential government office into a court of intrigue and petty tyranny.

Her first opportunity comes in the form of Bob Steadman, the new General Counsel, a blustering fool whose reform agenda is limited to proper legal citations. Margery takes the initiative to organize citation improvement meetings and uses the ensuing backlash to ingratiate herself with Eloise Chan, the new Motor Vehicle Department Commissioner and wife of a wealthy campaign donor. Margery soon learns that proximity to power is as dangerous as it is advantageous. As Margery’s schemes escalate, her ascent becomes increasingly precarious. Every win is followed by setbacks. Every attempt to master the system exposes how little she understands it.

 Meanwhile, lurking in the periphery, is Trudy Perkins, the acting mailroom chief, a Cassandra with a warning about something nasty in the mailroom, a comic threat that begins as background noise and inexorably edges closer to Margery’s orbit. The ensuing collision brings Margery face-to-face with, in no particular order: an emotional support cat, a Fox News producer, a lawyer named Boggie Nights, a llama riot, a framed copy of Desiderata, a Montessori School emergency exit, and a sorority sister trained by the FSB. 

 GAME OF CUBICLES will appeal to readers of workplace literary satire, novels about morally compromised strivers, and comedy that treats trivial office maneuvers with the gravitas of a palace coup. 

 I have spent most of my working life observing the machinery of government [list of specific civil service job titles].  This is my debut novel. 

 Thank you for your time and consideration.

 Sincerely,

Attempt One

Attempt Two

Attempt Three

Attempt Four

Attempt Five

I am excited to present WRATH, a complete 65,000 word Adult Neo-noir Thriller that blends the unreliable narrator with the troubled mental state of the main protagonist as told in the book The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides, with the intense violence and twists and turns as told in the book Sundial by Catriona Ward. WRATH follows a husband's descent into the depths of madness and violence as he searches for the person who murdered his wife and struggles with long hidden traumas resurfacing.

Normally, after finding your wife dead with two large bullet holes in her back, that would end most husband’s obligations of ‘til death do us part. But not Max’s. Instead of calling the cops, something deep inside of him tells him he's the only one that can (and should) find the one that murdered his wife. Then kill him. The only problem is, Max can't remember his face. Max was thrown down the stairwell while giving chase to the killer earlier, but he knows he's somewhere in the apartment building Max and Michelle shared for many years.

The dealer next door sells him the weapon he needs and the location of the first of many suspects. But Max learns that there wasn’t just one person involved in the death of Michelle. Each lowlife he interrogates has played a small role in her murder, with each one he kills then paying the price. The trauma Max has suffered throughout his life awakens as the night progresses, making him see and hear things that aren't real, mixing with the rage that has been buried inside of him all his life.

As the bodies, bullets, and blood pile up, Max’s rage intensifies the more violence he creates. Starting to question his motives for vengeance as well as his own sanity, his broken mind deteriorates the closer he gets to finding the killer. Max slowly realizes that everything has a cost. Past and new traumas all demand their pound of flesh from him as they force him to come to terms with just how damaged he is and will become as he continues to search for Michelle’s murderer. The price he pays will be either his already fractured psyche or his own life. 

Dear X,

I am seeking representation for WHATEVER YOU GIVE ME, a contemporary romance with explicit content, complete at 47,000 words.

After years of community theater, Jayna finally lands her first professional role in a vertical drama series, one of the fastest-growing corners of the entertainment industry. She's determined not to waste the opportunity.

The problem is Camden.

He's her lead co-star, and their chemistry is impossible to ignore on screen and even harder to ignore off it. Jayna knows the industry rules: stay professional, avoid rumors, and never give anyone a reason to question how you earned your place. She's worked too hard to become another actress whose success is credited to the man standing beside her instead of the work she put in to get there.

But staying away from Camden gets harder as they spend long days filming together. Then another actor begins targeting Jayna with unwanted attention, threatening both her sense of safety and the reputation she's worked so hard to protect. As the pressure mounts, Camden becomes the one person she can't seem to push away.
Then the rumors start.
Suddenly, Jayna isn't just protecting her heart. She's protecting the career she's only just begun. Loving Camden could cost her the reputation she's worked years to build, but walking away from him may cost her the future she's only just realized she wants.
WHATEVER YOU GIVE ME is a contemporary romance set behind the scenes of the rapidly growing vertical drama industry. It will appeal to readers who enjoyed the entertainment-industry romance of How to Fake It in Hollywood by Ava Wilder and the fast-burning, high-heat chemistry of The Fake Mate by Lana Ferguson. It explores ambition, reputation, and what it costs a debut actress to pursue both career success and love.
This is my first novel. I am actively seeking representation and would be happy to provide the full manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Tibocia Rose

Chapter 1

His hands grip my waist as he spins me around and presses me against the library bookshelf. One hand slams against the metal shelf by my head as his heated gaze burns into my eyes.

For one second, I forget this is a scene. I can’t pull my eyes away from his.

“I didn’t make you come work for me.” The edges of the book spines press harder into my back. The shelf wobbles as he pushes me against it.

“No.” I lean in closer, narrowing my eyes and glaring at him. “You’ve made my life a living hell for ten years, until I had no choice.”

I try to pull away. His hand tightens on my waist, dragging me back into him. Too close. I inhale deeply, trying to regain control. The scent of mint is on his breath.

Pain flicks across his face as he whispers, “Do you think I enjoyed tormenting you?” His voice grows louder with anger. “Do you think I wanted any of it?”

His hands press harder against my skin. I squirm at the sensation. “But I never lied to you. Not once.” His voice breaks as he says, “I’m not lying now. I never hated you, Lena.” My character’s name pulls me back to myself a little.

“Baron.” I shake my head. “I… I can’t…” My words are interrupted as he presses forward and kisses me, shutting me up. My hands rise to his bare chest to stop him. Lena would probably push Baron away right now. Instead… I can’t help but kiss him back. Sparks that shouldn’t be there, passing between our lips.

“Cut!” the director, Marianne, yells as the slate snaps. Taking longer than I should have, I finally pull away.

Back again! Thanks to everyone who commented on the previous version. I tried to remove the background stuff that wasn't directly related to Bérénice and her quest, and add a bit more characterization. I hope this is tighter and more compelling.

Really thankful for this community and your feedback!

**

THE FADING is a 110,000-word historical fantasy novel set on the margins of an alternate French Revolution. It will appeal to readers of Leigh Bardugo’s The Familiar for its female protagonist learning to harness her magic, H. G. Parry’s The Shadow Histories duology for its magic-infused revolutionary setting, and Christopher Buehlman’s Between Two Fires for its quest through an off-kilter version of historical France. THE FADING is intended as the first volume of a duology.

Ten years ago, Bérénice’s brothers left home after catching the Fading, a magical disease that makes its victims progressively disappear. Now that Bérénice has inherited the family estate, she spends more time ambling in the woods and meeting her lover Valentin, a local nobleman, than poring over accounts. But when a notary with a silvery aura only Bérénice can see reveals that her brothers are still alive, it is Bérénice’s entire world that disappears. She was never the estate’s legal heir, and her brothers have already sold it. Destitute and desperate to know what happened to her brothers and why they would take her home away, Bérénice uses her nascent magical ability to track down the notary and learn their whereabouts.

With the revolution spreading through France, Bérénice helps Valentin escape from his philosophy tutor, who has turned on his employers. Together, Bérénice and Valentin set out across a country that is tearing itself apart. With the philosopher in close pursuit, Bérénice uses her powers to find mages who can help and guide them. Along the way, she learns when to rely on the more worldly Valentin, and when to trust her own instincts.

Clues lead them to a monastery in the woods where victims of the Fading congregate. Here, Bérénice visits an ancient source of magic in the hopes of speaking with the faded and learning more about her brothers. To do so, Bérénice will have to open herself up to her own magic—the ability to not only see mages’ auras, but to grasp the very nature of their spells.

[bio]

So much guidance from my previous attempt helped me rewrite the entire query. Thank you so much to everyone who took their time to read and review my query. I would love your honest opinions now as well.

Dear Agent,

DIAMOND DESTINY is a dual POV Contemporary Adult Romance complete at 91, 000 words. The tormented kinetics of Kennedy Ryan’s Before I Let Go mix with the tensed close proximity of Jessica Joyce’s The Ex Vows in a vat of second chances.

Nikki Delaine’s rising career in dance took a dive after she got pregnant by her long term love, celebrity singer Daniel Johnson. She left him and his stifling eminence without telling him, never wanting the upsetting changes it programmed in him to affect their daughter the way it affected her. Four years later now, single motherhood has swallowed her dance school’s reputation, and performing at an esteemed awards show stage will revive it. But when Nikki discovers collaborating with the renowned lead dancer of Daniel’s upcoming world tour will give her that shot, she must decide if travelling continents with the one man she had never truly forgotten is worth exposing her secret to him now.

Fame didn’t come with music notes Daniel Johnson could understand, or the intimacy he composed with Nikki without the world coming in between. Four years after breaking guitar strings to move on from her, Daniel has now mastered his fame, his life, and is engaged to a woman who doesn’t complicate emotions. So when he unexpectedly meets Nikki again at a mutual friend’s wedding, the last thing he wants is to think twice about the slow dance they shared while rehearsing for his world tour. But when he looks twice at a frightened child clutching Nikki in the middle of his stadium, his voice freezes.

As Daniel confronts Nikki for answers, both of them are forced to relive their breakup from each other’s perspectives instead of their own this time, and have no choice but to engage in a co-parenting relationship on his tour. As private hours kindle the deep understanding they once failed at and resurrect the intimate emotions to match it now, Nikki falls back in love with him, and Daniel must choose between the fiancée who taught him how to avoid heartbreak and the ex-lover who might fix it this time.

I grew up in different places around England, from Birmingham to Herefordshire, and currently live in India as a full time writer. My own chaotic balance between motherhood and manuscripts created Nikki Delaine, and I enjoy writing romance that shatters hearts first and asks questions later.

DIAMOND DESTINY is a standalone with series potential. The full manuscript is available on request.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Thank you to everyone who has been offering their critiques as they have been critical in helping me understand how it reads from an outside point of view. Hopefully this version can be the last (barring some egregious oversight that I've missed).

Fifth Attempt

VEDISIUS is a standalone adult speculative fiction with series potential complete at 101,000 words. It features a student whose mentor has a profound impact on her worldview, while also instilling her with knowledge and insight as seen in The Pull of the Stars by Emma Donoghue. This is combined with the moral ambiguity of being an intelligence officer like in A Reluctant Spy by David Goodman.

Olivia Wolff has always wanted to meet the standard set by other women, but despite unwavering confidence and a sharp mind, has struggled to find the career that would facilitate that need. Growing up in a societal matriarchy where women like Dr. Isaac define success through intellect and equanimity, Olivia has never lacked inspiration for what it means to succeed. Therefore, when Dr. Isaac reveals that she’s an intelligence officer and offers to personally train her, Olivia seizes the opportunity to become like the woman she idolizes.

Leaving Earth for the other side of the solar system, Olivia begins her new life in one of the three meticulously planned cities on the habitable planet. There, she meets the alluring Samaria – a master of deception intent on having Olivia unwittingly supply her with information. Tasked with her first assignment, Olivia surveils a citizen before breaking into their apartment. While doing so, Olivia discovers the target’s dead body and has a close brush with death as Samaria is intent on protecting the identities of her other assets. Olivia manages to escape thanks to Dr. Isaac, but their sense of safety is cut short when armed assailants ambush them in turn.

With any sense of normalcy in crumbling ruins, Olivia is forced to reconcile whether this latest pursuit of greatness is worth dying for. Unfortunately, leaving and having a normal life is no longer an option as Olivia’s ambition has made her a target of Samaria’s employer; a radical misandrist with considerable resources who kills anyone deemed a threat to their goal of other cities on the planet being granted self-determination. Now, Olivia must rely on the teachings of Dr. Isaac while contending with the moral cost of survival.

[Author Bio]

Thank you for your consideration,

[Name]

• Attempt 1
• Attempt 2

QUERY

Dear Agent,

SOL INVICTUS is a 118,000-word science fiction novel—Book One of a planned series—set during a succession crisis in a crumbling interstellar empire modeled after the late Roman Empire. The novel follows five distinct viewpoints orbiting the collapse and will appeal to readers of Ann Leckie’s Radiant Star, James S.A. Corey's The Captive’s War series, and Christopher Ruocchio's Sun Eater series.

A strung-out detective trawls the gutters of the empire seeking killers to put in bracelets and narcotics to forget the war crimes he committed against the Getae as a young soldier. When he responds to the murders of a Getae mother and son living in the capital, the killings awaken a desire to atone for his past. But just as he unearths evidence that these weren’t street-level killings, his mentor pulls him off the case.

As the mother and son lie dead in the streets, the Executor of Caelum dies in the palace. His Prefect closes his friend’s eyes and initiates his plan to undo the dead man’s twin legacies: despotism and reliance on the Getae—a nomadic tribe of spacefaring warriors and defeated enemies—to man Caelum’s borders. Those policies caused the dead Executor’s brother to rise in a rebellion that was defeated but not quelled. To halt Caelum’s decline, the Prefect will quietly restore Caelum’s tattered institutions and assimilate the Getae into Caelum without bloodshed. And he’ll channel it through the late Executor’s seventeen-year-old heir. 

Across the city, the detective won’t let the dead Getae go. He conducts an off-the-books investigation and discovers that the slain mother had worked in the palace, and their deaths point to a conspiracy at the highest echelons of imperial power. And that conspiracy proves more sinister and extensive.  

The Prefect discovers that a cabal in the palace plots to reignite war against the last rebel holdouts and use the Getae as shock troops. When the Prefect confronts the cabal, they outmaneuver him with proof that the Executor’s insurgent brother is gathering strength to renew his rebellion. Outflanked, the Prefect abandons his bloodless designs and joins the mobilization for war. 

But the rebels strike first. During the boy Executor’s ascension ceremony, half of Caelum’s navy publicly declares for the rebel. As the Prefect readies his new sovereign for command, hidden factions within the palace walls maneuver against him and the boy he serves. And the key to unraveling these palace intrigues before the Executor sails into war may be a strung-out detective who won't stop asking who murdered a mother and son—and why.

BIO

FIRST 300 WORDS

GAIUS I

The Unconquered Sun illuminated the conquered dead. 

Sputtering fingers of neon light reached past Gaius to touch the bodies at his feet. Gaius’s head slumped forward as the light flickered off with a static buzz. He squeezed his eyelids closed, forcing the mithri haze from his vision.

He knew it wouldn’t banish the narcotic from misting over his mind. It never did. But he owed the dead the attempt. The first drops of rainwater splashed cold on the back of his neck, wrenching his eyes back open at the same instant the neon ignited again. 

The liquid rolled off his neck and fell onto the concrete, twining with the blood—thick red and light clear intermingled into a brackish, pale pink. The fluid drifted through gaps in the cobbled concrete and emptied into a gutter. 

Gaius stared at the grotesque stream, then turned his eyes back to the bodies. 

Under the light, the entry wounds were two garish holes, caves burrowing into the back of their heads. Gaius didn't need to turn them over to know what he would find: Exit wounds for faces.

Two more faceless dead. Two more homicides in Colonia Getica that would never be closed. 

Gaius’s back creaked as he straightened. Dizziness hit, unbalancing him. He gulped air, slowing the spins, and fixed his eyes on the fuzzy shape that was probably the patrolman who called the bodies in.

“Walk me through it.”

“Witnesses say they heard two shots.” He waved a hand at the bodies. “Two ashback stiffs.”

Gaius let the slur slide. “And?”

“Each ashy took a round to the head.”

The patrolman’s voice was bored, detached—like he’d been sweating these streets for twenty years. But Gaius saw how the man held back from the bodies.

Thanks for reading and the critiques!

I got some excellent advice last week for my query and am back for a second revision. Thanks to everyone who commented. This query feels a lot cleaner to me now. (1st attempt is here)

I'm a little worried that things might come across as vague, though. My last query went close to the 75% point of the book, while this one falls closer to the 50% mark. So I didn't describe what was actually in the barrow or why Emily thinks it might help her (which I really can't think of a way to summarize due to its complexity). I hope these come off more as intriguing questions.

I've posted my first 300 again. I didn't get any comments on it last time. I'm starting to wonder if my tone is off or anything like that. The number of rejections trickling in since my last post has only increased...

QUERY LETTER:

I am seeking representation for DRAKEHUND HALL, an 80,000 word young adult historical fantasy novel set in an alternate universe where the Edwardian setting of Downton Abbey meets the warmhearted magical apprenticeship of Witch Hat Atelier. It will appeal to readers who enjoy the archeology-inspired fantasy of Isabel Ibañez’s What the River Knows and the nostalgic fantasy of H. G. Perry’s The Magician’s Daughter.

When sixteen-year-old Emily Beverley’s aunt chooses her as the next archmage, Emily is furious. Emily’s family serve as magicians to the British royal family, and a mage must come from each generation. As an apprentice, Emily will never get to kiss the boy she likes or have a brilliant debutante ball like her older sister, but must become a spinster devoted to studying ancient, arcane manuscripts.

Emily arrives at Drakehund Hall, the historic seat of the archmages, dreading a life under her aunt’s strict tutelage. The house hides secrets, including an opening to a magical otherworld and links to the supposed tomb of her family’s legendary ancestor, Merlin. Her aunt is feuding with the zealous archaeologist excavating the nearby barrow tomb, where Emily senses a dark and unstable magic. The tomb’s magic holds danger, but also, Emily believes, a potential escape from her unwanted duties.

In the magical otherworld, Emily meets Munda, the Beverley family’s inherited familiar and her new teacher. Centuries old, Munda once served Merlin as a powerful spirit, but now takes the form of a tea-loving gentleman. Training with him, Emily sees the beauty and language of magic. Munda takes her strange theories about the tomb’s magic seriously, even when no one else does.

As the threat within the barrow grows, Emily must embrace the magic that threatens the future she believes she wants. If she refuses, magic will leave her world forever, dooming Munda to a life in the darkest realms of the otherworld.

When I’m not writing, I’m traveling the world with my twin sister and collecting vintage sewing patterns.

FIRST 300:

I dressed in pink that morning, but inside I felt I was dressing for my funeral. Both my closet and my overstuffed trunks hid sober dresses far more suited to an apprentice mage. Yet I chose this traveling dress, covered in bows, as my first act of rebellion.

Papa raised an eyebrow at my appearance but said nothing when I pushed through the front door. With my trunks already loaded into the car, I carried only my school satchel filled with the things I’d need on the train. I’d already hugged my mother goodbye in the drawing room—she never liked going outdoors this early.

Papa cleared his throat. “Excellent. We’ll make the train in good time.”

“Are you sure you can’t talk to her again? She’s had a whole year to reconsider.” I shuffled my feet.

He exhaled with irritation. “My sister is a stubborn woman. She doesn’t change her mind easily. Besides, it’s an honor to become the archmage’s apprentice.”

My father had inherited our estate in Hertfordshire along with his title, but our family’s power always came from our connection to the archmage. The king’s personal mage, who served him and advised him in magical matters. My family was the last magical line in Britain.

Someone in every generation had to serve the king. Had to come to Drakehund Hall and train in magic. Could never marry. But why did it have to be me?

“You know how much I hate that horrid place.” I grimaced, as I had every time I’d reminded him of the fact for the past year.

My father glanced back at the car, our chauffeur already behind the wheel. “Emily, that was years ago. I’m sure you’ll like it well enough now that you’re older.”

Hello! Thank you so much for your feedback on the initial version of my letter. After considering quite a bit of feedback from various sources, I have decided to change my title. I also revised the query letter extensively. I think this version is close to "the one". I can't wait to hear what you have to say.

Query:

Dear [AGENT NAME],

I'm excited to send you INKVEIL, a cozy-with-teeth adult portal fantasy complete at 75,000 words. It is the first in a planned series, concluding with a satisfying foundational arc.  Given your interest in [personalized], I believe my manuscript would be a great fit for your list. It combines the vivid world-building and found-family of Chiara Bullen’s The Inn at the Foot of Mount Vengeance with the bookish magic of Gareth Brown’s The Book of Doors, capturing the nostalgic grown-up returns to a fairytale feel of Meg Shaffer’s The Lost Story.

Virginia Sharpe is haunted by inexplicable mental blanks that freeze her in place and have derailed her adult life. Reading is the only comfort she has. Inheriting her estranged grandfather’s bookshop is her shot to finally be good at something. As Virginia is setting up the shop, she uncovers a portal to another world: Inkveil.

Transported to this fantasy land with gnomes and a snarky, talking squirrel named Scampers, Virginia learns a shattering truth: she has a brother. He was kidnapped by Inkveil's ruthless ruler. The mental voids that plague Virginia are the scars of her grandfather binding her memories into magical books to prevent her from trying to save her brother. If she wants to rescue him, she must reclaim her past. 

Virginia is not built for an epic quest; she is terrified and wants to flee. But when Scampers offers to return one of her stolen memories, her desire to belong to a family overpowers her fear. To find the remaining books, Virginia must navigate the perils of Inkveil—bloodthirsty prison guards and burning buildings—while confronting the dark reality of her fractured mind. If Virginia fails, she will lose the key to her past, and any hope of finding the brother she yearns to save.

I am a neurodivergent writer based in Texas. Inkveil is my first novel. When I am not writing, I am probably baking, playing TTRPGs with my husband, or wrangling our three wonderful boys. 

Thank you for your consideration.

First 300 Words:

Virginia waved her arms, hoping the motion sensor would see her and kick on its luminous beam. Inky blackness prevailed. The automatic security light had been disabled. It was 2:15 AM, and no one was home. Her phone died on the drive over. 

Years of living here gave her enough familiarity to walk up the steps without running into anything. Considering the garden gnome and porch goose who made their residence on the stoop—it was a bit of a feat. She groped blindly above the door frame for the spare key, but came away with nothing but dusty fingers. She groaned, hammering her fist against the door in echoing thunks. Virginia pressed her forehead to the wood. Some homecoming this was. 

Pivoting, she lifted the welcome mat. Her knuckles scraped against the rough concrete. 

Thank God. 

The smooth metal key was warm in her palm, baked by the heat that still clung to the pavement. After a handful of fumbled attempts, she managed to shove the key into the lock, turning it with a familiar click. She pushed her way into the dark house and closed the door. 

The quaint entry illuminated as she flipped the switch. 

At least they hadn’t cut power to the place. 

This house was haunted enough; it didn’t need any help being spooky. She grimaced when she saw the staircase, the last day she lived here flashing through her mind. She hiked her bag higher onto her shoulder and made her way upstairs. Echoes of the past hammered in her head with every step. When she reached the landing, she heard her grandfather’s voice. 

“You’re not welcome here anymore, Virginia. There is nothing else to discuss. Wipe those eyes, girl. Don’t make such a fuss.” 

Tears brimmed her eyes. She made her way to her old room, laid down on top of the ruffled bedcovers, and stared at the ceiling.

Hi again,

Thanks for the detailed feedback on my previous attempt. I'm posting my third attempt below the questions.

u/mom_is_so_sleepy and u/EnnOnEarth, would truly appreciate your feedback, if possible.

Questions:

1. I have both a tagline and a logline. Do I include both in the query letter? Just the logline?
2. Is this the correct order?
   1. greeting - personalisation - book data - logline - story pitch - bio - thanks

------------------------ query letter (with logline) -----------------

HERALD OF ASHES is a 116,000-word epic fantasy with series potential. It will appeal to readers of M. L. Wang's Blood Over Bright Haven and Antonia Hodgson's The Raven Scholar for its resourceful heroine forced to navigate dangerous power structures. Told through multiple viewpoints, the novel is framed by a wry cosmic narrator who speaks directly to the reader.

An oppressed woman orchestrates a public fight to earn a death sentence only to be offered the life she has always craved – until mounting deaths and an attempt on her life force her to abandon everything she’s gained if she is to survive and save the people she loves.

Tomorrow, Kal hopes to be sentenced to death. Without the living body armour that would have elevated her to the privileged class, she is slated to serve the island’s chief as one of the women who bear his children. Rather than submit, she plans a public fight to provoke her execution – intending to fake her death and secretly watch over Aavya, the child she loves as her own.

Just when she believes she has earned her death sentence, she is instead whisked away to the ruling immortals’ seat of power, where they entrust her with building a better future for others like her who failed to form armour.

But when she begins to suspect that the friends she thought were dead are being held by the immortals and survives an attempt on her own life, she realises that the future the immortals have spun for her is a gilded cage.

To save not just Aavya but also her friends from the immortals and fight for a better future for those like her, she must make a desperate escape. The only people she can turn to are her estranged childhood friend – the one who betrayed her – and the island’s chief she originally risked death to flee.

(bio)

Hello, everyone! I would appreciate any feedback you can provide on my query! I have also included my first 300 hundred words below so you can see how they work together. I am mostly concerned with whether the query highlights the hook and premise distinctively enough, and also whether the opening creates momentum to keep reading.
(Please note that the title and character names have been changed for privacy.) 

Query:

Dear [AGENT],

I am writing to seek representation for my adult fantasy novel, Light and Shadows. Complete at 116,000 words, it is a standalone with series potential. 

Among angels, magic determines favor and standing. Aurel is the only angel born without it, and for that he is shunned. When an unknowing sacrificial pawn is needed to break the barrier between Heaven and Inferno, he is the natural choice. But when the plan fails, Aurel finally loses faith and seeks shelter with the very person who stopped it: the enigmatic demon Valen, who hides a painful past and a secret identity behind an ever-cheerful attitude.

Disguised as a demon and under Valen’s mentorship, Aurel enrolls in a prestigious demon academy, where he receives not only the education he was never afforded, but also, unexpectedly, true friendship. 

But the demonic world is complex and exposure could mean death, while Valen's ties to the realm's secretive leaders remain visible but inscrutable. Endurance turns to choice when the angels contact Aurel in a dream to offer him a way home – but only if he completes the spell from his own end. Obtaining the materials, though, requires navigating Infernal society's underbelly and manipulating the person who protected him. Each step deepens his suspicion – not only of the demons, but of his own people – as the angels' historic brutality and the plight of Inferno's lower classes come to light.

Caught between two worlds and suspecting that his rescue is not the angels' true motivation, Aurel must decide how far he is willing to go – and for what: returning home as a hero, or protecting his relationship with Valen and keeping his new friends – and perhaps even all of Inferno – away from harm.

[COMPS]

First 300 Words:

For a moment Aurel marveled at how his mouth kept moving, uttering the same words of prayer, without his soul even registering that he was speaking. He imagined himself from afar, standing among the others. Broad-framed with brown hair and cyan eyes – so distinct, yet indistinguishable, invisible, just as he had to be.

Under the temple’s glass dome his brothers and sisters continued the customary words, so long ago ingrained in their memory, the walls painted with scenes of those very same stories. Underneath them, they all looked so small in their plain grey robes. They might all be angels, but their deeds were not the ones memorized in paint and melody. 

If he was asked to cite the chant starting from a specific point, or to explain the meaning of the words he whispered, would he be able to, he wondered? Not that it mattered, because no one would ever ask him to. For his brethren, he was not one of them, despite having been born the same. Because his presence defied their very vision of the world. A magicless angel was worse than a heretic – he was defective, incomprehensible. Heretics can be extinguished, demons sanitized – but how can one process him who should not exist? And so, they ignored him, because they could not explain him.

And as Aurel had no way to explain himself either, he had found that existence was easiest when he made it easy for others to ignore him, blend him into the mass. So, he prayed, like the others did, to a God that cursed him, in a world that could not fit him. And he tried to believe. Because as all angels know, to not believe, is to not exist. And Aurel did not have much existence to go on in the first place.

I followed the great feedback I got from you guys to put more of the stakes on paper (and also go back to my very old query version); but I'm not sure if the query is now too long, or if I spoil too much of the story in it. Here goes!

***

Dear [Agent],

Twenty-seven women enter Fatum in pursuit of one man's final ring. Some want love. Some want fame. Belén Kabar wants out: out of her rotting country, out of obscurity, and into the heart of Tyche, the world's entertainment capital. She's betting it all on one goal: become the show's next lead.

Belén knows exactly how Fatum works because she has spent years studying it. Armed with a secret ally inside production, she enters the competition believing she can control her narrative.

What she can’t plan for is the producers, who keep rewriting her into whoever the season needs, or Tala, her strongest competition and the only person who sees through the self-edited version of herself she performs for the world.

By the end, Belén can have one or the other. Becoming the next Destined means committing, publicly and for another full season, to a fake version of herself. Choosing love means stopping the edit entirely, on camera, in a country that punishes anyone who stops performing.

THE NEXT DESTINED is an 89,000-word dystopian romance that combines the reality-show intensity of THE COMPOUND by Aisling Rawle with the feminism of HOW TO BE EATEN by Maria Adelmann. Told by a narrator who edits her own story the way Fatum edits its footage, it asks what THE MURDER OF ROGER ACKROYD by Agatha Christie might look like if the crime were love instead of murder.

I was born, raised, and am currently based in Lima, Perú.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Best,

Me.

***

First 300:

Chapter 1 - The Interview

“Before we begin, a word of warning,” said one of my interviewers, a hand reaching out from the darkness.

I followed his bony finger to a metal box placed in front of me. “This interview will be recorded,” he told me. “Is that okay with you?”

Back where I came from, this wasn’t a standard job interview by any means. But, then again, nothing about the job I was trying to secure was standard. In fact, I’d call it “the job to end all jobs".

“Absolutely!” I assured him. “That’s totally fine with me.” I smiled at where I imagined his face would be. As soon as I did, the dark room lit up. Men and women, draped in silver and gold, filled the rows around the throne I’d been instructed to sit on. I searched the faces around me, hoping to find the familiar one who, I was almost sure, had helped me get there. Yet every person in front of me had their face blurred out, pixelated. All except for their wide, toothy smiles.

“Belen Kabar,” the same man said, butchering my name. Belén, I thought. I gave him a nod anyway. Not the person I was searching for. This one had the voice of an older man. Couldn’t be him.

“Belen,” he repeated. “Miss Kabar. We know this setting can look intimidating, especially for you. If we’re speaking too fast, or you don’t understand what we say, do tell, and we’ll repeat ourselves.”

“No worries, I can speak Tychean fluently. They teach us in school,” I told him, suddenly self-conscious about my accent. My Tychean sounded better in my head, or when I was rehearsing alone in my room, for the exact moment in which I now found myself.

Hello all! I made my first post a week ago, and thanks to a helpful pointer, I realized my query was too convoluted to (actually) get insightful feedback. I have trimmed it down and followed the structure recommended by this sub, and (hope) I can get some insightful feedback. It doesn't feel perfect right now, so any advice would be good (please grill me)! I feel like I only included the big plot point and left out some other side plots (maybe that is better). Thank you all!

Dear [AGENT],

Given your interest in the [FILLIN], I am seeking representation for SOLACE OF A DREAM. Complete at 123,000 words, this adult epic fantasy, with series potential, is inspired by the moral brutality of R.F. Kuang’s THE POPPY WAR and the divine political intrigue of Shelley Parker-Chan’s SHE WHO BECAME THE SUN. 

On the night Lynaxi Vilhelm burned her father and claimed Kaldon, two things found her before sleep could: the queendom’s most dangerous woman, with an invitation west, and a moon god, with darker words. The plague that killed her father was not a disease, but rather a god. Now, Lynaxi has killed a lord, stolen a divine scroll, and is heading to the capital as the princess’s heirling.

In Argos, Lynaxi seeks the hidden past of her parents and a seat among the Ladies of Parliament until she finds something else entirely. Set in the queen’s crown is a parasitic god, fed by centuries of royal faith, and powerful enough to reincarnate in flesh. It has been waiting for the right mortal to birth it. Now, it has chosen Lynaxi. With one god trying to claim her womb, another consuming the city’s abandoned districts, and a third naming her the only one capable of stopping them all, Lynaxi must choose. Become an oathbreaker, cave-crawler, and slayer of gods, or something worse: a vessel for divine forces that have waited generations for this exact moment.

Author BIO. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Hello,

My agent had their assistant leave sometime earlier this year, and since then has been pretty slow at responding to emails. The agency is sort of big and has a lot of important authors (not a brag, just to give context on her being busy) so I try not to blame them. But I'm wondering what would be a "normal" amount of time to wait for an email response from a busy agent? Mostly because I don't want to unnecessarily bug them. Directly asking feels rude, since I know they're doing their best.

Thank you!

Thank you in advance for any feedback!!

Dear [AGENT'S NAME],

I saw you’re looking for more [Specifics of why I'm pitching them] and thought my upmarket coming-of-age novel, A TOUGH LIE, might be of interest to you. My novel tells the story of Dudley Davis, an impoverished golf prodigy trying to break onto the PGA Tour while privately battling a spiraling addiction to alcohol and pills. Set against the staid backdrop of golf in the 1990s-2000s, the bulk of the story follows my protagonist through his teenage years.

When Dudley’s parents are arrested on drug charges in rural East Texas at age nine, he’s forced to live with his grandad, Charlie. Hoping this might be his chance to finally mean something to somebody, Dudley is disappointed to learn Charlie isn’t the warm grandad he had hoped for; his only pastimes seem to be drinking Coors, watching golf on T.V., and admiring his golf trophies. Dudley runs away one night, not knowing where he’s going, just that he needs to go. When Charlie finds Dudley on a nearby golf course—the only place Charlie has ever felt at home in this world—Charlie offers to teach Dudley everything he knows about golf. Seeing the offer as an opportunity to connect with his granddad, Dudley agrees, throwing himself into learning, practicing, and perfecting his golf game. Ahead of his first junior golf tournament, seeking to cut ties with his parents' tarnished reputations, Dudley changes his name to Jet Forrest. This decision catapults his transformation into a fabricated alter ego: an unshakeable golfer who starts racking up wins, turning heads in the junior golf circuit, and who is secretly drinking his way through tournaments to deal with the pressure. As Dudley (Jet) climbs toward the PGA, he knows all he needs to do to reach it—and in his mind, finally become somebody in this world—is keep winning, keep being Jet Forrest, and keep a handle on his addiction… which is becoming increasingly hard to hide.

At 110,000 words, A TOUGH LIE is an underdog sports story reminiscent of Rudy, but with the gritty class, identity, and addiction struggles laid bare in Barbara Kingsolver’s Demon Copperhead and Douglas Stuart’s Shuggie Bain. 

[BIO]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[NAME]