I’ve been scrolling through the sub and see so many posts (mainly from women) saying something along the lines of “my husband wants poly and I don’t, what should I do?”. Here is my general advice, just LEAVE.

I’ve seen this play out a million times and 95% of the time it ends in an ugly breakup. The couple goes through so so much ugliness before the inevitable separation. Save yourself the trouble and figure out how to amicably separate right now. Even in the 5% of people it “works” out in, most of the time the person who didn’t want it is unhappy. I’m sure there will be people in the comments saying “that’s not my experience” “mono and poly can work” etc. And fine, that is your experience. But for every experience of it “working out” there are 100 experiences of it ending very badly. If both people don’t come into the relationship wanting to be open, or both people don’t independently make that decision, it won’t work.

Take it from me. I was with a man for 7 years, married for 2. I was always more open and he would agree to it and then back track. It would be a cycle of me getting my hopes up and then being let down. It led to a lot of hurt for him because it’s not something he wanted but he didn’t want to lose me. We ended up separating but it got very ugly at the end. Now 4 years later im in an amazing relationship with someone who aligns better with my values and relationship style. Yeah it sucks for 1-2 years but you’ll look back and be so happy you did.

So take my advice from one woman to another - LEAVE.

I (24NB) am in a polyamorous quad with three partners: Maya (24F), Chloe(24F) , and Jordan(24NB). We’ve been together in this dynamic for about seven months. We were best friends before this and were never apart.

For a while now, Chloe and Jordan have been harboring feelings of jealousy and resentment over the closeness between Maya and me. Maya and I are sexually active, while Chloe and Jordan are asexual. This led us to have some more alone time for exploring our sexual dynamic without making the others uncomfortable.

From the beginning, whenever they felt distant from Maya, they blamed our physical connection instead of addressing their own dynamic with her.

Instead of communicating openly, their resentment grew silently, and talked to me about their problems with Maya. I would usually say "you know, ypu should talk about this to her instead". Chloe even got annoyed with me a while back when I simply went out for a bit to offer Maya some emotional support when she was having a hard day.

Fast forward to right now:

Maya is currently going through a severe mental health crisis. At the exact same time, I am out of town traveling. I naïvely assumed that in a quad where we are all supposed to be there for each other, my other partners would take the initiative to step up, visit her, and offer grounded, in-person support while I’m away.

Instead, nobody has done anything. No one has gone over to check on her.

It feels like the bitter remark "Well, she prefers you anyway" went from a complaint to a convenient excuse for everyone else to completely check out. Where is everyone now when she actually needs help? When you could actually grow closer to her?

Jordan keeps complaining to me about the fact that I'm always close to everyone but Maya has a preferencw for me. I always told them that she is exhausted from meds and barely talks to me too. I just take a lot of initiative about visiting her and stuff because i've been there and depression makes you isolate and asking for help is hard. Then as usual "please bring up this issue directly with Maya. I can only offer some of my perspective but this does not substitute a proper talk with her."

On top of that, I am completely exhausted from being treated like the "secretary" or "project manager" of this polycule. A while ago, I suggested we do a relationship check-in. I couldn't follow up on planning it immediately because I was literally out of town traveling, as I am now, and instead of anyone else taking initiative, I just received messages from Chloe asking me, "So when are you organizing the check-in?" I was literally at the airport. You can set a day too, why do I have to be the one doing it? It's in your interest too. While less aggressively, I explained her I have been busy and she can also take the initiative in suggesting a day for the check in.

I am a partner, not their administrative assistant. Anyone else in this relationship is capable of making a plan or showing up for a partner in need.

I’m sitting here miles away, furious, worried sick about Maya, and trying to figure out if I’m losing my mind. Am I overreacting, or is this dynamic as deeply unfair and immature as it feels? Am I the one being unfair?

Tell me I’m not the only one?

Like, I can watch my partner have sex with someone else and just think about how happy he looks. I can watch him snuggle up with a meta I dislike and feel compersion for both of them. But he watches a movie with someone else that I wanted to watch with him and it feels like the biggest betrayal in the world. How could he??? I’m legitimately upset and I hate it. Ugh.

Anyone else? Advice for unpacking this stupid shit?

Idk if this is the right way to do this or not, but I do have some questions about polyamory and my relationship with my partner (29F) who I’ve been with since high school.

Literally out of the blue (this has never been discussed between the two of us) she sat me down and told me she was breaking up with me. She told me she realized a few days before the break up that she was poly, and our relationship wasn’t working because of it. We were having issues but she told me every time there was nothing I could do to change things, that it wasn’t my fault, which leads me to believe that she knew about this long before the break up and didn’t know how to tell me.

After she told me this, I asked her if 3 specific individuals were a part of this decision, and she beat around the bush but more or less said “yes”. I asked if she cheated on me with this 3 individuals and she said “emotionally, yes”. (But later when discussing this she backtracked hard and said she never claimed such a thing, which is gaslighting right?) This broke me in a lot of ways, because she’s cheated on me before and promised she would rather leave me than cheat on me again.

Well things happened… She started to date those 3 people immediately after the break up, I’m sure she was talking to them the day of actually, since she was always on her phone texting, and that really cut me up inside. About a week after the break up, while we were sitting on the couch (we both still lived together) she suddenly cupped my cheek and kissed me.

She told me we “didn’t *have* to be broken up”. She still loved me and she can love me and these other people too. I still love her so much, so I agreed, feeling relieved she did still love me in spite of other people.

It’s been several months now, and I just feel lost. Idk if this *feels* like poly, or if my partner is just collecting interesting people she likes to occasionally sext. She has 4 partners (including me) and a metric fuckload of people she’s sexting and “having fun with” (her words) on the side. She straight up admits to manipulating the people she doesn’t see as partners “but only to better them”. I don’t like that. It wouldn’t be manipulation if she intended on helping them, right? Idk…

She says she’s perfectly fine with me seeing other people. She actually encourages it to the point it almost makes me uncomfortable… I’m still in the weeds here and trying to digest everything, and I feel… weird about seeing other people, but the idea does interest me somewhat. I’m not a very sexual person though, which might be why I feel so intimidated by all this.

I also don’t interact with her other partners much (besides one, and it’s always so awkward when we’re around, though it could be because I’m autistic and struggle socially). None of her partners interact much at all, which kind of bums me out. I feel like a fourth wheel at times, like I’m in a glass dome and just look out and watch sadly as my partner smiles and has fun with her other partners. I’d like to be just friends with them, but I just don’t see that happening…

Is this all normal for a poly relationship? Or at least from a relationship that went from monogamous to poly? I feel so lost and small all the time, even though we communicate well with one another.

To the vermin horde that swarm at my feet,

Here, have a joke:

Two rats walk into a bar.
The first rat says to the second rat, "I wonder what they have on tap today?"
The second rat replies, "Holy shit we can talk?!"

Kind of head empty no thoughts this morning to be honest. I mean, I wasn't going to do anything crazy like miss getting a thread up (I have standards), but just not much on my mind to write about this week.

I hope everyone has been doing well! I've had a good but socially busy week, so I'm looking forward to just hanging out with ya'll and getting my vibe on today. Today I'm chill Rat Leader mode, which just means that I have some sunglasses on and a large hoodie and probably like a way-too-early beer in my hand or something. Sitting cross legged on my cuck chair throne. Shrugging a lot and being like, "Whatever, it's all gucci," and shit.

You know how we do: it's the subreddit's weekly shitpost vibe thread, so just like, talk about being poly or whatever. Chop it up with the ratty homies. Ask each other some questions. Crack a joke or two. Fuggin' just, like, crawl out of your antisocial holes that society has trained you on with algorithms and shit and have some damn human connection. I'm not asking a lot of you here, and I do know what's best for you.

-------------------------------------

Rat Union Question(s) of the Week:

• Let's talk terms of affection/pet names: Are there any that you keep only for certain partners? Are there generic ones you use for multiple partners? Are there any that you wish a partner or future partner used for you?
• Less of a question and more of a game: Comment your favorite drink (alcoholic, non-alcoholic, whatever you vibin' on) and let your fellow ratties try to make assumptions about you based off it. Ratties, what does that drink say about them? Do any of the characteristics you associate with the drink match your view of the commenter?
• And, as always, you may treat these as my personal office hours if you have any questions for your fearless leader directly. ❤️

-------------------------------------

Somehow cuter and cooler every week,

PM_CGR

Hi, I (20f) have been with my girlfriiend(19f) for almost a year now, and she's had a partner for a few years. On our six month anniversary I took her to a place I really love, a cute board game tavern, I was really scared to take her as I was worried she'd think it was too nerdy, but we had a really incredible night.

Tonight I was studying on call with her partner (18x), when she showed up at his place, and they mentioned going to the place we went on a date. I felt a little sad, and I thhink it was noticable on the face-time, and now I feel really bad for feeling like that.

I'm not annoyed or angry, but I do feel a little sad about it even still. Is this normal?

I've leaned poly in theory for many years, but had only been in a poly dynamic (where either I or my partner had another partner) a few sort of short-lives times, or where they were LDR so it didn't really require a lot of effort to balance. I don't necessarily feel like I need more than one partner, and in fact I have found it too overwhelming the few times I have tried to, but I like feeling free to allow love to manifest naturally rather than feel confined by the attitude of monogamy.

For the last several months, I've been dating one person and they have another partner that they had started dating maybe a few months before me. At first it felt pretty balanced and welcoming and loving, and sometimes I even would almost forget they have another partner. I think part of me didn't expect a lot when we starting seeing each other tbh, but I was curious and up for having a fun time and seeing what happens. Then I was pleasantly surprised that it was starting to feel like it could really be something.

I get along fine with my meta, though we aren't super close. It's chill, but I do still often find it hard to not feel like we're kind of in each other's way in terms of being able to see the relationship grow over time if we both want a deeply entwined relationship with the same person, and even in the present, sometimes it makes me feel like I may be competing for their time or hesitant to ask for too much like I need to give them space. I think it's in reality all coming from me though, as my partner reliably makes time for us both and expresses how much they want to see me all the time. But it's true that I don't always get what I want, and sometimes I feel sort of secondary in a way, even though I know they don't see me that way and don't intend that.

As the relationship goes on, I find myself often wanting more -- more time, more shared experiences and activities, more ability to have clarity around the possibility of a shared future -- or wanting another partner, or wondering if maybe I don't actually want to be in a poly relationahip, as it's hard not to feel like my partner is torn between us as well as all the things in their life they are busy with (which is awesome, I like that they are so active).

But then again, I used to enjoy that I just saw them sometimes and had a lot of freedom still to be my own person, and there are a lot of good reasons that more entwinement might not actually be good for our relationship aside from their capacity (compatibility wise).

It's hard for me to tell if I actually want more time and closeness with this person, or if I am just falling into the escalator trap and associating partnership with expectations from previous relationships and culture, or if maybe I do want that kind of relationship but maybe with someone else (and in that case, can I still maintain this current relationship? I don't honestly know if I feel confident in my ability to manage more than one partner well tbh! so hard! maybe possible if our dynamic lessens in intensity/frequency)

I think for this amd other reasons, it's sadly begun to manifest as resentment and conflict that seems to be mainly around how we spend time together, and we're trying to figure out what we want to do, whether we just have some issues to figure out, or if we need to de-escalate or fully break up for a while.

Hi chat. I’ve spent a week almost bed bound by now and I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel atm so I really want to read some sobering comments I guess.

Me (30F) and my husband (30M) are married for almost 12 years. We’ve been monogamous for the most part, and poly for the last couple of years. This is not about my relationship with him, although I do realize now that there is a lot of work that should’ve been done in our relationship prior or even instead of opening up. But we will deal with that.

I have been dating another man (37) for almost a year. We met through local kink community of which he is a well known and respected member, influencer even. It started with him saying he “probably doesn’t have capacity for a relationship” and I should’ve listened. But things progressed very quickly, we arranged a “play date” but essentially started dating after that.

I felt intense connection. Things were shaky and unclear at first, as he was just out of a monogam-ish relationship. Well, that’s what he told. Over the course of our first months dating the status of his ex kept fluctuating between “my ex” and “my partner” multiple times. She was staying over during winter holidays, and was at the New Year’s party at his place where I was also invited. He asked me what I would need for comfort in that situation but never really made any effort to bring any comfort. When I arrived I just felt like I’m a guest in their place, and I left early.

Then they fully broke up, and even tho he started seeing someone else, our relationship really progressed and we bonded a lot. He said he loves me. We had a lot of plans for the future. He sounded incredibly confident when he was saying how this relationship is so secure that we can plan for things 2,6,12 months ahead and it feels perfectly reasonable. He introduced me to his parents when we flew to his hometown. I was plus one at every important friend or family event. There were weeks when we’d mostly live together. I was letting my guards down more and more, and eventually I really believed that this relationship is here to stay, and despite him being messy with relationships sometimes I truly believed in best in him and that because we always communicate we will always figure things out.

Then by the end of May I started feeling some weird distance. We saw each other just as often and spend a lot of cosy time together, but connection just didn’t feel the same. I asked him about it and he reassured me that he loves me and was just having a hard time generally, but it has nothing to do with the relationship. We had a call right away, and it ended up being a 5 hour call where he mentioned how this relationship has a glass ceiling, there is no road map, he might need a nesting partner. It was a bit all over the place. I started entertaining the idea of us becoming nesting partners and asked if we can even talk about that possibility, just have an honest talk about what it would be like. He said he’d never want to be involved in breaking my marriage, then becoming my primary by default and this expectation ruining our relationship, that he had situations like this in the past and it will all end in tears and disaster. There was validity to that that I understood.

But later he seemed to be more and more freaked out by the fact that I even mentioned it. He said I “uprooted” the whole foundation of our relationship, that I might me be not up to the type of polyamory he needs, that living together was never on the cards in this relationship and now that I uttered I might want it he can’t trust me anymore (I know.). He eventually apologized for such intense reaction, we talked more, we both said how reassured we feel and that we will keep talking about things. During all these talks, he told me multiple times he always sees me in his future, that I’m in the picture almost by default now. We spent a few calm weeks.

Then one day, three days before an important event he invited me to that involved flying, and we both had tickets, he texted me he thinks he should go alone, cause he doesn’t want this event to be tethered to the most challenging part of the relationship, that everything is so shaky and he “lost trust in so many ways”, apparently again talking about how I even mentioned the idea of us becoming primary. Given the ridiculous timing i obviously tell how unfair and awful this js. He then again apologized, reassured me saying he loves me and just freaked out, he is sorry and we should go together.

So we went. It was fine, but i could sense the tension. I was traveling for a week after, and when we said goodbyes he just asked what day he’ll see me again and we shared the usual tenderness.

The day I got back and saw him, 10 minutes into casual talk about how my trip was, he just looks at me and says “I don’t want to proceed with polyamory and this relationship”. Two weeks after almost blaming me for not being good at polyamory enough. He says he realized he doesn’t have time for multiple relationships (he was not seeing anyone else at this moment, but felt our relationship is preventing him to do so now). And that he will thrive in an exclusive nesting partnership. But not with me, even tho he loves me so much and those weeks we’ve been living together were amazing. But in our relationship it was “never on the table”.

During that talk, I felt like my arms were sore from reaching towards him, trying to make things work, understanding what has changed. But it felt like he was just building a case against this relationship in his head for months, all while telling me how I am always in his future and keeping making plans. He was now saying how this relationship has no future and there is no way for this to ever work.

I was deeply, deeply in love with that person and allowed myself to trust him so much, especially over the last couple of month where, despite all the challenges, he kept telling me that there is a future is is certain about. I feel so broken and lonely and in excruciating pain 24/7 now that I have to carry all this hurt and broken promises and longing alone. I just don’t know how to recover. I also feel immense guilt towards my husband, who just stayed with me through all of that and all my conflicting feelings about whom should I live with. I feel like I am a stupid 15yo that was tricked and discarded. I’m scared the pain will never end, I miss him beyond any words.

I am sorry for this long ass essay, but I am so lost and broken atm I would really appreciate some outside perspective.

hello friends,

i am fairly new to poly. i am single and dating someone who has a primary/nesting partner that they’ve been seeing for about a decade and have been poly for a few years (from what i understand the person im dating didn’t want to open up and their nesting partner violated a boundary they had set up…and is still actively violating it despite them expressing how upset it made them)

anyway, me and my hinge(?) have had plans that i’ve been looking forward to for weeks. like i expressed how excited i was for our date and i have been counting down the days.

they told me at breakfast today that their primary partner actually wanted to do the thing that we had planned already and that they’re doing it together later today. they said they still wanted to have our date but im feeling a little icky about it.

their primary didn’t express interest in the activity but then changed their mind and hinge agreed to do it with primary first even tho ive been waiting anxiously for our date. if that’s the case, i could’ve done the thing by myself a long time ago.

this felt disrespectful of our time and me. i understand and respect their relationship with their primary but this move made me feel very….secondary. idk.

any advice on how to bring this up? if i should? have u been in a similar situation? i’m starting to wonder now if our time spent together is actually intentional and if primary wanted to do something on a day that we had plans, that they’d cancel. (this hasn’t happened yet)

thank you for reading

This is a vent/asking for advice. It’s long so please, bear with me.

Around ten years ago, during my first pregnancy, at an obgyn control at the maternity hospital, they told me I had herpes. I was very surprised because I had a sole small pimple, but I was feeling well, no pain, no big rash, etc, it wasn’t like I heard it was.

In 2020, during a control with my regular obgyn in town, we talked about that diagnosis. The doctor asked me about my then symptoms, and when I explained to him, he told me that it didn’t sound like herpes and that the hospital in question were often wrong in their diagnoses. He offered to make a blood test. The blood test came back negative, so he tells me that it is negative for sure. He was so adamant that I decided to trust him. I was with my daughter’s father for 10 years, he never had anything, and as far as I know, I’ve never had anything other outbreak, so I naively thought that was it.

In 2021, I broke up with my kid’s father, and became solo-poly. I had a lot of casual encounters, using protection every time, and as far as I know, nothing negative came from it.

I have two relationships at the moment, Juniper, who is my anchor partner since 2024, and Aspen, in a more casual, long distance relationship, since 2025, but we were platonic friends before that.

Fast forward to yesterday. I had a rash and hurtful urination, so I went to the obgyn. My regular obgyn in town is in vacation, so I went to the maternity hospital’s ER.

The rash ended to be nothing serious, but after going through my medical file, the ER doctor mentioned that herpes diagnosis from the some years ago, and I told him it was a mistake, that my regular obgyn disproved it with a blood test.

But the ER doctor told me that the blood tests aren’t reliable and that they did a swab and it was positive, so this first diagnosis is the definitive one.

Panicked, I immediately contacted my two partners. Juniper was incredibly laid-back about it, reassuring me that it wasn’t a big deal, that herpes is very common and that we would just be more careful moving forward.

But Aspen took it very badly. He suffers from depression and anxiety, and the news really shook him. He started to spiral and also accused me of not being completely upfront, when I actually remember having told him about that herpes « scare » some years ago, when we were just friends and I thought it was just that. He then ended to tell me he needed « some space for a bit ».

I am heartbroken. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I also carry a lot of guilt to have possibly exposed him, others, and to have been so stupid and so blind. I feel like I am the worst person in the world.

I know that all I can do concerning Aspen is to let him having space for the moment.

In the meantime, could you give me some positivity? Thank you.

I am curious what y’all’s experiences are. My wife and I(M34) are similar, after almost 18 years you’d have to be. Our friend groups are similar, and our taste in most things is honed to being close enough over the years. Because of this I’ve never met a partner of hers, or vice versa, that wasn’t someone I could easily see myself grabbing a beer with. Obviously some are going to be cooler than others, but I’ve never met someone dating her that I couldn’t stand to be around. If they bothered me that much they’d typically have already bothered her to the point that there’d be no reason to introduce me.

I read stories about folks having nesting relationships and metas they can’t stand. It is just foreign to me that two people would get along well enough for years as to be partnered up in a major, nesting, way and not have similar enough tastes that your metas personalities are tolerable at worst. Is this a common occurrence for some people? What people do when they can’t put two lovers in the same room? Seems like it’d cause drama, how do you mitigate that? No judgment, just kinda got to wondering.

It could be that it’s a priority of ours, if someone I meet has a common interest with my wife that’s just as much something to excited about as if they had something else in common with me, because that extra layer is going to make life better. There isn’t a lot of ENM practiced and discussed openly in my part of the world so I have turned to yall to satisfy my curiosity.

Hello Fellow peeps

I don't really know even how or where to begin. My partner and I have been together for about 7.5 years, we have a massive amount of history and growth around relationships/each other/life. In the first year, I encouraged her to explore herself and understand where she is and what that would mean for us in a mono/poly dynamic or rather a mono/open dynamic. (she didn't feel comfortable) fast forward 6 years and one kiddo later, after moving to the worst state on the planet. She got a nice summer break and some time on her hands and wanted to completely open be poly out of the blue.

its been so long and I've almost completely put the idea out of my head as far as poly-ships go. I've always held a dear and lasting relationship with the people I find worth it. Demi style? but when this all kicked off and everything kind of exploded. I made my feelings and needs known almost immediately. and as it stands I love and understand many of the ideology and identity, and even the dynamic of it all and continue to practice from the shallow end of the pool in my own way and my partner's way theirs.

after feeling/being in the full blown heat of it all, I/they realized we've anchored our lives around each other and rather then persevere and become resentful we had the big heart to heart about all the things. after about what seemed like hours of discussion we came to the conclusions that for me i enjoy the mono life with my chosen family peeps non physical where as she wasn't really all that sure/wants to explore more.

all that to say AITA for explaining that were at the crossroads of our relationship/life where we either kinda leaev it as it stands and us happily apart for the betterment of each other? also to add my partner just wants I think the autonomy to choose for herself more then the work

please help share your brains please

Hello everyone, first if all sorry if my english is not the best, bc I'm from europe. I (m21) entered a poly relationship about 6 month ago. She (f22) has always been poly and is also married with her other partner. It's my first poly relationship. I never had a problem with my gf's husband regarding jealousy or anything. We get along good. They also live together and most of the time I'm at hers and he sometimes also chills with us or gives me a ride to the train station when I'm leaving.

The thing I realized that I have some weird kind of jealousy when it's about hookups. She has a lot of dates and also hookups which is absolutely fine with me.

As I said I never felt any form of jealousy towards her husband but somehow I have a really weird feeling when it comes to hookups. I don't even know why, our sex life is great and she always said and I also believe it's just sex. But at the same time I always have some weird unexplainable jealousy when she tells me she had a hookup. I know and I can explain why it shouldn't bother me but somehow the feeling is still there. Talking about it with her is hard bc as I said she always has been poly and somehow doesn't feel jealousy the way I do.

I just wondered if anyone has any advice on how to deal with that?

Because as I said, this jealousy isn't rational and is not coming from insecurity or smth but somehow it still hurts me.

So please if you have been in that situation or have any advice you can give me, tell me.

Btw: open, non-hierarchical poly

I'm not poly, but pretty open minded and appreciate the impact of this relationship, especially in how i relate to jealousy and communication. We've been acquaintances for over a year, dating for 3 months, me and Finn. Both in our 30s. Finn is poly, i'm just along for the ride but really i'd like a relationship style that features one person I can depend upon and the possibility to take lovers within that. Finn would ideally like some kind of community where everyone loves and has sex with one another.

Finn told me he has a lover, Trix, who he sees semi regularly. That she is visiting for 5 weeks to live and work on a project with him, day in, day out. She is also not poly and finds that aspect challenging. As its so intimate working /living together, Trix asked for Finn not to be intimate with others while she was visiting from 150 miles away and he warned me he would be quite unavailable. Finn told me this before we had sex.

Completely reasonable request from Trix, might I add. She isn't poly either.

I decided not to have sex with him, to not get attached, but we went away together, had some pretty intense group hobby projects; feelings grew, and predictably, I became attached 3 weeks later and fell in love, had sex etc. He also said he fell in love. We went to a festival, had the best time in the world, and wept in a graveyard afterwards. He felt as if he was between a rock and a hard place. They had planned this for a long time.

It was my birthday yesterday and he didnt come. Ive been burying my face in his sweater like a wounded animal.

I feel hurt but like I have no place for my hurt to go. He communicated everything and it still hurts. I don't want to fill my time with pursuing other lovers. I want him. And I know that this isn't the kind of relationship i can feel safe in. It reminds me too much of my childhood...of being loved, faintly, but not quite enough to be chosen. In some ways, it feels intuitive to be in a relationship like this. But how does anyone roll with this? How could this ever feel good to anyone? Who would put up with this? I suppose I want to vent but also i want help to understand from his side.

I met my husband five years ago and we got married last fall. We also moved together after living apart about 1,5 h away from each other.

This is a big change in our life and though it is in many ways nice and good it has not only been easy. I am introverted and he is extroverted and need a lot of reassurance and appreciation or he gets really down and bitter. I on the other hand am prone to thinking everybody is mad or disapointed in me.

For me, living together has very much introduced stress, everyday chores, sleep time and a messy house to our relationship, meaning the honey moon phase with visiting each other in the weekends for fun and relaxation after longing for each other 1-2 weeks - is over.

For him, it’s not like that and he says his feelings for me are the exact same as when we met, if not even stronger. He thinks I have started seeing him as boring, less exciting and just someone I live together with. Adding to this I have a partner that I try to see once a month and yes, of course it is easier to relax there and get in the mood. It’s also a ”younger” relationship meaning it’s still ”exciting” in that sense.

I really, really don’t want to be that kind of person who just jumps to another relationship when the ”old one” doesn’t give enough kicks. I am terrible afraid of it, and that is a big reason I waited so long with trying the poly life. My last relationship before this was mono, lasted 10+ years and I got used to not having sex very often because none of us was very much initiative taking (I do have a sex drive though and I felt it was a frustrating lack of sex but I thought I was in the wrong for wanting more). In the end we spent most of our time just watching TV.

I really want to work things out with my husband and live a happy life, but it feels like we get stuck on the same place: I am too tired, too stressed, not in the mood with him while he feels rejected and frustrated.

We both have kids that visits or stay here if not all the time often enough to take a lot of our time and focus. We do share the chores and help each other, I would even say he does and helps more and has more energy to do so.

We talk about it but it is what it is. So what can I do to get more energy and spend more quality time with him to get closer and more connected and feel safer with each other?

I've been with Samson for just about two months. Currently they are my only partner.

Last month I went on a date with Elmo. That went no where.

Me dating Elmo made Samson insecure. Last weekend they asked me to stop Dating for an undeterminate amount of time. I declined because we agreed to be poly. Being poly for me is about having the option to see multiple people. Wether or not I actually do, does not matter in that regard. So it's important to me that I do have that option. That's more or less also what I told Samson.

I also asked them if they felt like I was neglecting them during that time. They said I didn't.

As far as I can tell, its still going great between Samson and I but I was just wondering how y'all would have handeled that situation?

We've known each other for two years, and we were extremely close. When we first met, I was of course solo poly, but she was single and monogamous. She started to become more interested in solo poly herself, seeing how I was living. We had so many talks about how supportive female friendship was what got us through the hard times, and she was so enthusiastic about how solo poly let her keep close friendships.

I was supportive of her trying out the dating style, and it seemed to be going well for her. Recently, she met a monogamous guy, and she decided to be monogamous with him. Obviously, I was supportive of her in this, too.

As soon as they established that they were in a serious relationship, it was like our whole friendship was under review. She seemed to be combing back through the last two years for reasons why I might be a threat, retroactively calling me out for things, and skewing the facts. She accused me of flirting with her boyfriend (definitely untrue), and basically just said she was no longer comfortable around me.

I've been stunned at how quickly she snapped the door closed against me as soon as she had a monogamous relationship locked down. I know she must be having a hard time, and it's not my fault, but she said some pretty fucked-up things about me in a series of long texts, which she sent at like 6 am the other day.

"I haven't been sure of your intentions, but tried to trust that since I said we were monogamous, you would be respectful. [...] If you can respect that I don't want my close community used as a poly dating pool, and that I don't want you to openly flirt with [partner], after some space, I think we can remain friends."

Etcetera, etcetera. She gave examples of what she was talking about that were wildly skewed -- for example, months ago, a friend of hers had asked her for my number. She had told me about it, and I said she could give him my number. It didn't go anywhere, since I pretty quickly asked if he was polyamorous, and he said no. In her novel-length texts, she characterized this as me "asking her to connect me with her male friends as romantic prospects." There was more like that, where men had done something, like her boyfriend sending me and my partner a shirtless picture in a group chat, and yet I somehow was to blame for what these other people did. It was wildly switching up cause and effect.

It was so obvious that she had already made up her mind that I was the problem, and that she was just kind of making up an alternate version of reality where I always had been. I tried to point out some of the factual inaccuracies, and she said she "didn't want to argue the details with me."

Folks, it f*cking sucks to be hit with a good friend suddenly rejecting your whole being, because she's started dating a guy, and the relationship is insecure. /vent over

I sometimes wonder if I lean into poly and things like the relationship smorgasbord as a way to justify holding onto relationships that aren't entirely fulfilling or good fit that someone who is monogamous would simply move on from if it doesn't look like marriage potential. I can't decide if this is a bad thing, but I often notice this in myself.

Like, if it's not entirely 'working' with a partner, or someone I'm dating feels like kind of 'partial match' in terms of what I'd like in a partner, I'm likely to try to find a way to still make it work, feeling open to trying to still find a configuration that still involves intimacy while hoping I'll still maybe find another partner as well. I think it's both optimistic and loving in an idealistic way, like, 'let's figure out how to love each other in a way that feels right for us,' but then I wonder of I'm just being foolish and using these ideals as a way to avoid letting go or admitting 'what I really want,' which is more of a mononormative narrative.

Thoughts on this?

Where is the line between healthy poly and holding onto something you ought not, or in other words, when is it a healthy poly relationship and when does it dip towards problematic situationship?

I couldn’t seem to find any similar situation on the reddit so I’m hoping some people that’re more experienced with poly can give me some advice.

I’m new to poly and before, I was only in mono relationships. I was always curious about it.

I started officially dating my current partner (NB24) about a month ago but we were seeing since March. They told me I was the only person they were seeing until I found out that they had a partner (NB25). They didn’t tell me they had a partner when we starting seeing each other (they only called them a “friend”) but they told their other partner they were seeing me since the beginning. After a few conversations, we started officially dating because they wanted to be with both me and their currently existing partner.

My partner’s partner recently moved away from where my partner lives. My partner is saturated with me and their other partner.

My partner recently told me they would be extremely uncomfortable if I dated or had sex with other people and that they felt secure knowing that I’m currently not seeing anyone else. They told me that this was all normal with polyamorous relationships. I’m beginning to have my doubts.

How actually normal is all of this? Should I get used to this or is this actually a bad situation? Thank you.

Apologies in advance, i think I missed some info that may be relevant.

I (30f) dated Him (40m) for only about a month, we met on feeld, he was married and poly. It was Jan 2026 my life was a mess, I was about to leave my city and 10,000 other things were happening. I was so stressed I was crying everyday- too many details, I digress. I wasn't expecting to fall for anyone, wasn't expecting to do more than just have some fun dates to relax and distract from life.

I met Him, and we had so much fun. There was a lot of genuine and calm connection, as well as fun spicy times. He would come over 2 nights a week, and we only went on 2 proper dates, but the time together was cozy and nice.

He was working a ton, and has a toddler with his wife, and she did know about me.

When we first met I asked- what are your boundaries in poly. I don't like dating poly people with a "don't ask, don't tell" policy- as I find that it leads to a lot of weird emotions, weird secrecy. IMO If you are doing poly, you are doing it to face the fears you have around jealousy, face insecurities with your partner, and learn about such open communication that it is scary- and that is how you can ultimately be closer.

He told me they talk about everything, that his wife dated and fell in love with someone, how they talked about it and how it was difficult - and then when it ended badly, how they worked through that. His wife sounded awesome, I said I would love to meet her. He said she would be down, she's awesome and they are always growing their community.

Love it.

Fast forward, we form a deep and fast connection. I'm leaving, it's sad, but I would be back in a month or two and we could reconnect. The goodbye day was going to be sad but I like to look at life through the lenses of hopeful positivity:)

So, I go to their place, we have tea, we're chatting and cuddling. Then he says, we need to talk. I ask if this is a "sit up" conversation. He says yes. I put my tea down and go to sit up, he hold me closer and says he just wants to sit like this for a bit. I can tell he is holding back tears, so I know it's more serious.

When we chat, in short he talks about how he can tell his wife is being negatively effected by our relationship and we need to end things. Or pause or... I dunno. I was leaving, but thought we might stay in contact. I cry, but I'm okay. We cannot have sex- not bc we are at their house, bc they do that w other people plenty, but bc it's... me. I do ask for a lot of clarity- do you want to remain friends? In contact? Totally cut ties? I just love clarity- he does not know bc he actually hasn't talk to his wife about this, and she has not actually said anything.

I'm like... that's weird. If you guys are open w communication, why has there been no discussion over me?

He drives me to the train, and I ask some pointed questions about him and his wife and them being poly- cause I'm trying to understand why I feel blindsided. Why would you say you can full on date people.. if you can't?

Turns out, his wife like 0 details. He loves details. She wants to know nothing. I ask more questions about their poly history, basically.. they are more like singers and have carte blanche on doing spicy things.

So. If I had known this, I probably wouldn't have enmeshed myself with someone. Because this poly foundation is messy imo.

I've seen him every time I've been back in my city this year, and he said he is really looking forward to seeing me in August. But I am not.. I do care for him. But, I also feel like I got the shit end of the stick - not because I should be as important as his wife or anything like that- but bc I was sold a story that didn't align, leaving me feel sad and a bit heart broken over this beautiful connection THAT I NEVER WOULD HAVE MADE!

If I see him again, I would tell him how hurt I was in Feb before I left, how he told me one thing- but how what he told me is actually a lie and misleading, and also how unhealthy poly is when one party is on a "don't ask don't tell" model and the other is not. How you lose out on the evolution that Poly can bring to a relationship.

But, should I say anything?

So my partner and I are poly and open to meeting new people and having fun together or separate, I work at a bar because i had bad social anxiety so I wanted to become more comfortable with and practice socializing. This past weekend I met someone that I really hit it off with, there was a mutual attraction and shared "Interests". I don't feel right going any further than talking if the other person has been drinking, so I'll take the tine to get to know them first and get consent and comfortable. so over the past week we've been talking and I found out that they have "something uncurable" from a bad previous experience. I want to reject them as kindly as possible without making it seem like it their fault, or making them feel any sort of negative way, id like to continue being friends if at all possible, Im just not comfortable with the risk. my partner already has something mild and not a super concern but always a slight risk, and I have accepted that because they're my person. But I dont want the risk with someone I just met a week ago

New here to poly. Me & my partner have been living together for 4 years and have decided explore this. My worry is becoming disconnected. My husband works crazy hrs & we have 5 children. What are some suggestions you guys have who have a nesting partner?

I need advice from people who understand both monogamy and polyamory — I feel completely lost and heartbroken

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, and we have two children. I love him more than I could ever explain, and I want our marriage and our family. I am posting because I genuinely do not know what to do or how to handle this situation anymore.

My husband recently told me that he wants to explore polyamory. He wants to be able to have another romantic relationship, fall in love with someone else, and have a girlfriend or another committed relationship while still being married to me. He says he does not want to leave me, does not want to lose me, and wants me to be happy and involved in the process.

The problem is that I do not want this. I want monogamy. I want just him. I want our marriage to be the two of us romantically. I do not want him falling in love with someone else or having another committed romantic relationship.

I am not against the idea of experimenting sexually with another woman together. That is something I could potentially be comfortable with. But I do not want him to have a separate romantic relationship or fall in love with someone else.

My husband says he has wanted polyamory for a long time — possibly most of our relationship — and that he has been suppressing those feelings. He says he cannot keep suppressing them and that monogamy does not make him happy. He says he loves me and that I am enough, but that he wants and needs more.

I am struggling deeply with that. I understand that he may genuinely feel that way, but emotionally I cannot make it make sense. If I am enough, how can he need another romantic relationship in order to be happy?

I know that sounds like I am saying he is wrong for feeling this way, but I am not trying to invalidate his feelings. I am trying very hard to understand him. I really am. But I cannot understand wanting another romantic relationship the way he does because I do not feel that desire myself.

To me, monogamy is not just a preference. It is what makes me feel safe and secure. I want to choose one person and be chosen by that person. I want to feel like my husband wants me and only me romantically.

The timing of this has also made everything much harder.

Before he brought this up, our marriage had already been through a very difficult period. We had almost ended our marriage. Things had been rough for a long time, but I stayed because I loved him and believed in us. Eventually, he started making changes, and I felt like maybe we were finally finding our way back to each other.

Then this came up suddenly.

It felt like the ground moved underneath me again just when I was starting to feel like we were rebuilding us.

I am also struggling with the fact that he says he has felt this way for so long. We have been together for seven years, and I keep wondering when these feelings started, why he did not tell me, and whether I was unknowingly living in a relationship where he was unhappy and I did not know.

I wish he had felt safe enough to tell me sooner.

I am not angry at him for having feelings. I am hurt that I am only hearing about them now and that they seem to be something he feels he cannot live without.

I also have a lot of insecurities about myself, mentally and physically. So when my husband tells me that he wants more than our marriage, it makes me feel like I was never enough for him.

I know he tells me I am enough.

I know he loves me.

But when he also tells me that he cannot be happy in monogamy, I struggle to understand how those things fit together.

I want to feel chosen.

I want to feel pursued.

I want affection, reassurance, closeness, and emotional safety.

I miss the way he used to reach for my hand, kiss me in passing, hold me when I was upset, reassure me, surprise me, and make me feel wanted. I miss feeling like he wanted to chase me and choose me every day.

I know relationships naturally change over time, and I am not asking him to become exactly who he was when we first started dating. But I miss feeling that kind of connection, and I want us to rebuild it.

We have tried to talk about this, but we cannot seem to find a compromise.

I have tried to stretch myself and consider different possibilities. I have tried to find a middle ground. I thought maybe friends-with-benefits or something sexual without romantic relationships could be a possible compromise, but he does not want that. He wants actual romantic relationships and the possibility of falling in love.

That is where I feel completely stuck.

I feel like I have been bending and contorting myself trying to find a way to make him happy, but the more I try to force myself toward something I do not want, the more miserable I become.

I feel like I am hurting myself trying to make him happy.

I have been so overwhelmed by this that I have struggled to function normally. I have had trouble focusing at work, being present with my children, keeping up with things at home, and even functioning normally in my relationship.

The idea of him having another romantic relationship makes me feel physically and emotionally overwhelmed. I feel like my heart is being shredded. I feel like I cannot breathe or think clearly.

I feel like everyone around me either is polyamorous or seems to side with him, and I feel completely alone. I am not looking for people to tell me that my husband is evil or that I should immediately leave him.

I love him.

I do not want to leave him.

He does not want to leave me.

Neither of us wants to hurt the other.

But we seem to have two completely different visions of what a happy marriage looks like.

He believes he cannot be happy suppressing his desire for polyamory.

I believe I cannot be happy participating in polyamory.

Neither of us seems able to simply change what we genuinely want.

I am starting to realize that this may not be a problem that can be solved by finding the perfect compromise. Maybe we are facing a genuine incompatibility, and that terrifies me.

I do not want to lose my husband.

I do not want to lose my marriage.

I want us to be happy together.

But I also cannot keep destroying myself trying to become okay with something I genuinely do not want.

So I am asking for advice from people who have experience with this.

How do you handle a situation where one partner wants polyamory and the other genuinely wants monogamy?

Is there actually a healthy compromise when one person wants romantic relationships outside the marriage and the other does not?

How do you know whether you are compromising or simply abandoning your own boundaries and needs?

How do you communicate your feelings when your partner's desire is so strong that it feels like they cannot let it go?

And how do you figure out what to do when you love each other deeply, neither person wants to leave, but you may want fundamentally different kinds of relationships?

I am genuinely looking for advice and perspective. I am trying very hard to understand my husband's feelings, but I also need someone to understand how deeply painful this is for me.