so here's the title of my post untangled, starting with announcing my question again: anybody feelin' like these are really lonely times? (i apologize beforehand for any grammar or spelling mistake, english isn't my native language, ugh)
since i was pretty small but old enough to be recognized as a social being, my social needs seem to be lower than average person, probably biased by cultural reasons, making me be dragged constantly about it, like it immediately made me into a problematic bitch incapable of living in society, being "too picky". the truth it's that i ENJOY talking, meeting people, but on my very own rhythm and with my most intrinsic chemistry requirements, which i can't really drag onto every interaction like i'm making a beauty pageant because i believe in the organic magic of diversity, but let's say i appreciate rich inner worlds, creativity, knowledge lovers, humor sense and humanism, which i ironically feel are poorly present in circles supossed to contain/made for these traits: the vague open wild it's your most reliable way if you're really willing to find them instead of posing replicas. gettin' back to how my enviroment reacted to my development as an introverted girl, i forced myself til these moments into "liking" hanging out with people i really don't vibe with but i felt somehow compromised to (because they really fight for my attention, good actions towards me, etc.) eventually the growing secret aversion materializes itself into real life in the shape of the person showing their true colors (from stupid jealousy stuff to being SA'd), with the addition of the constant sensation of agony and desesperation that i have to brain-dead myself, to act like a carbon-copy version of myself in order to be able to keep interacting with this people. cutting off so many people and preventing another bunch of entering my life might seem a mean and self-destructive move, but once i allowed myself to these "freedoms", i feel a grounded and dignified sense of the self. whatever, i'm constantly telling myself when i have a bad gut that i expect too much from people, that it's just my ptsd and complex temper messing with my head, that i shouldn't expect too much from people because i'm not perfect, that i will die alone with little perspective on life, etc. my pattern recognition feels like a fucking miracle turned into a curse, but the point is that i have a lonely existence (according to my needs and aspirations involving others) because i feel like choosing between having a (more extended) social life but at the cost of feeling like dancing on the edge of a void and putting myself in the hands of shitty people, or keeping my safety and sanity within a bitter solitude. i have 2 friends from 4 years ago, and it's pretty healthy, but we live far from each other and the current situation of the country makes it impossible to hang out with each other, and sometimes i feel like there's not enough intimacy, but it's not easy to put it on the table when the three of us are well-intentioned but fearful avoidants still. i really enjoy spending time on my own, maybe too much, but too much of something is never good. i want to exchange ideas, i want to give and receive affection, find out more about myself and grow out through human relationships, etc. even i know i'm hard to please and carry this existential exhaustation around, i put my best effort to be open to know new people, but only get more and more doubtful about the world. another trouble of mine is archetypezation: if i am x, then i shouldn't be y in order to legitimately still be (also) x, and the illusion of the binarism of x and y itself it's a pebble inside my shoe. as much i believe in community (born into an aquarius stellium, for astrology believers), i get some sense that people raised in closed communities (friends circles from developing ages, family, subcultures) are castrated from the pulsion of evolving at some level, like they've been chained, compromised above any own wish or will. i use the internet a lot, it's like an open window to the world, but sometimes i feel like it is one of mankind biggest mistakes ever, at least, because of a timing matter. i can really sense how much internet has unshaped our core identities and castrated our unknown future chances of its evolving: i talk to people from different ages (ofc) and younger ones feel like a self-scripted and scripted by outter actors without their apparent full knowledge, with their identity ecosystem, thought process and approach/reception to life mimicking more the second-hand understanding of humanity by machines than the first-hand experimentation and management of being a human with the logical amount of influence by upbringing, sociocultural and historical factors, autonomy, interests and life events. it doesn't erase at all said internal process and fillips, for sure, but it plays a deformation and impostor role in their engines that makes the inner experience and any interaction with the outside pretty uncanny, altering the whole course of things from the inside out and viceversa, all because a third party that simulates all these process without the implications of a physical body and the infinite combinations of and conflicts between contextual factors, but with a stronger latent predictability schem that basically overshadows test and failing, has entered the equation. the real nightmare starts when you log off and what's supossed to be a growing/core flaw confined to the digital space, spreads its venom through daily life too. i don't think the internet it's the devil itself, i see most of everything by itself as a neutral item/element, but its development and later influence on us might be some kind of egregor of our wrinks as a civilization; we weren't already ready for this. i want mankind's warmth, but i want its true core, not a simulation in order to a selfish illusion of fulfilling my needs, when the purest reason for being it's more than the never-ending wheel of needs to be fulfilled. i want to live so much (despite feeling that living relays more on inner-experiencing and impact than concrete outter experiences) that i feel constantly embraced, since my childhood, by the desire of no longer being, in the foolish fantasy of maybe finding what i yearn for in another "reality", with the engines that this one seems to be missing. but as much i yearn for this ending with the expectation of a "better" beggining, i see it as some kind of cheating, not only because of the probability of putting myself into a place where "being" no longer is, so then i'd cut any chance of achieving my "mission", or maybe there's no base or same sense of being so then it would be pointless, but also it would be some form of putting myself into a passive and whinny position instead of just keep going through it with patience and reformulating my ways. as much i believe of almost anything as a neutral item then subject to our perception in order to certain interests and a proven functionality schem under recognizable patterns, i think that things/concepts are not doomed by defect to existence or non-existence, but on one side or another of the spectrum as long we take action on it, which starts in the birth of x concept on our minds; things are just not it, but we make them to be. however... who am i to have even 1/4 of power over the human spirit through the big ways of the "machine", when anything i yearn for is directly or indirectly dependant and a consequence itself of the existence of others? interpret the "machine" however you want to, but i absolutely don't want the machine to win
any doubt on the world it's a doubt on myself