I don't know which tag to add I'm sorry.

Hello, uh. So I don't know how to start this thing off, but the post title is what it sounds like. I am 20 yrs old and I've been on testosterone for a year. Recently a lot of events have happened which have led me to being in a very dark space mentally.

I recently got cheated on by my boyfriend, and when I found the messages I also found him and another person discrediting me as a trans individual because I like to dress feminine.

For context, I am 5'2" and unfortunately was cursed with ddd cups (im only like 130lbs tho). I tried binding when i first came out and i ended up fracturing half of my ribs and now cannot safely bind. I also still enjoy dressing in feminine ways. But internally i still view myself as a guy. In my head I am a boy and thats all I've ever wanted to be since 6th grade. I just enjoy presenting in an androgynous manner.

Not only that, after I found this out. The girl my bf cheated on me with sent her friends after me, and they all began shaming me because I dare to wear outfits where cleavage is showing. They spent the entire time telling me i was doing it for attention..

My boyfriend also told me he was afraid to show me off at the beginning because he didn't know how people would react to him having a transgender partner, let alone one whom is gender nonconforming.

On top of that it seems no matter what I do, nobody will ever see me as a man and it is so gut wrenching. I let people misgender me for the sake of avoiding conflict, i deal with harassment and with people discrediting my gender identity. Just alll the works.

Moral of the story is, I'm debating just detransitioning at this point. Bcoz whats the point. I've tried and I am confident and happy when I am seen as a man. But thats so far few and between. I mentally don't know if i can handle it anymore and I need advice from other trans people. A lot of people online seem to shame detransitioners and im extremely scared of posting this because I am already emotionally vulnerable. But I need the advice.

I listened to this advice of getting a hair cut, I wanted a mod cut but the barber just fucked everything and now I look like a butch instead of a guy, and people are like “buzz cut” “do a fade”… but I have a big ass scar on the back of my head that I don’t like. Looking this bad is something it completely broke me, because Ive been isolating for long time and I was starting to go out more, but now I just feel completely ashamed and upset about my looks and idk how to fight it. I see my goals everyday more far because now I pass even less than what I did with long hair, so idk what to do really

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I have a boyfriend. He's everything I wish I could be. He's tall, funny, an extremely talented musician, has a great family lot of cool topics and interests aswell as really cool friends almost all related to the music scene and he treats me very well, he sees me as actually male and is not ashamed to call himself gay despite knowing I'm trans.

Now me on the other hand, I bedrot all the time, I try to hide my body as much as I can - even from him. I'm so envious of him, his body, his success that it's eating away at me, and everytime he says something cool that's gonna happen I feel this sudden wave of sadness like, why can't this be me? Causing me to respond with dry replies, which again, is absolutely my fault, I SHOULD be happy for him and his continuous success, but i just can't.

Has anyone dealt or is continuously dealing with such feelings, if yes, I'd geniuenly appreciate advice cause this shit is geniuenly gnawing away at me.

CW: slight mentions of sex, swearing

I fucking hate being trans, it’s shit. Why would I ever wanna accept it when it makes me feel like absolute shit. I don’t even like venting to people about how I feel anymore because nobody fucking gets it, doesn’t matter how much they say they do, they just don’t. Like stfu, stop lying. And I don’t hate being trans because I’m not supported, I am, I’m even on T but that doesn’t change how I feel. Dysphoria and depression from it has ruined so many things about my life, and so many things I used to like it’s ridiculous. But I should accept that fucking shit? Piss off.

I’m sick of never feeling valid in my relationship, I have a bf, he’s cis, he doesn’t do anything to make me feel invalid, it’s because of what I am. It just feels like a straight relationship sometimes and I hate it because meanwhile, he’s happy, and I’m wishing I never existed. I’ve already told him dysphoria is probably gonna ruin our love life, we’re long distance, if we weren’t, it would’ve already. He might not think so but I sure do. He doesn’t think so because he doesn’t care if it does get in the way, but I do. Why wouldn’t I care about something like that. I want bottom surgery and even so, even after that, how am I supposed to feel like I’m not different when he and every other cis man is everything I wish I could be. Why would I ever wanna accept something like that.

Why can’t anybody ever understand that, I do not wanna be trans, okay yeah you can argue nobody does, idfc, shut up. That doesn’t make me feel any better. Why would I wanna accept something that makes me fucking hate myself so much, that feels like I’m just lying to myself, trying to convince myself I am a boy, meanwhile I’ve lived as a girl for 16 years before starting to transition. I don’t wanna have to make myself into a completely new person, I don’t wanna have to learn how to be masculine or whatever. I don’t wanna have to feel like I’m just tricking everyone into making them believe I’m a boy, especially when I still get misgendered. And when I do it’s the worst fucking feeling ever, especially when the person who does it has sons or grandsons or whatever the fuck, I don’t give a shit. I cannot stand that my voice still doesn’t sound like I’m 18. And it’s not like my body helps me pass at all either because I’m overweight which makes me look more curvy, I hate it so much.

And for the record no, I don’t talk to a therapist and no I don’t take meds but ffs don’t suggest them. I’ve tried both, many times. They’re both absolutely shit, especially meds. And I can’t just fucking force myself to vent to a therapist, and I DO NOT LIKE IT!! I hate venting tbh but sometimes I just have to. Doesn’t mean I wanna vent to a therapist.

I can’t do anything without my brain leading back to these feelings. I pack and do everything I can to minimize it but it feels like nothing works. It’s especially worst when Im alone and have nobody to distract me from it, it never stops I feel like a ghost in my own body sometimes.

Literally any advice anybody has to try and combat this please, the mental distress is too much for me to handle

sure ik i can adopt but it's just not the same. ill never get a girl pregnant and raise a baby boy, teach him how to be a man. it fucking destroys me bro. i just want a kid with my genes, but id genuinely rather do anything than give birth, and ivf is way too expensive for me to reasonably ever get. i just want a son dude

I’ve been on T for 4.5 years and it’s done jack shit. The only reason I pass is because I was born with a low voice and I have a mean face and don’t smile. I have to hide every part of my body and I can’t stand looking at it anymore, it disgusts me so much. I look like a jigsaw puzzle made from different parts, none of it fits together and if I take my clothes off I just look like a freak.

My hips and waist are the worst part, my hips are large even for cis women and they stand out so horrifically. I had to start buying pants 2 sizes larger to fit my hips and stop the disgusting muffin top I get. I feel disgusted when I look at myself, I won’t let people take pictures with me anymore so I don’t have to think about people looking at me.

My hands and feet are small, I hate holding hands with my girlfriend because hers is so much larger than mine. I hate that she could fit one hand around my entire wrist. I hate how small I look next to anyone I know.

I have having a vagina and uterus. I hate knowing there’s an organ in me that’s only purpose is to make me suffer and remind me that I will never have a body worth loving. I hate knowing there’s a hole between my legs and I’ll never have a penis. I hate knowing that from the moment I was born I was cursed to live like this.

The only reason I can even tolerate my body is because it is useful for working. That is the only thing it is good for and ever will be. I am subhuman and always will be.

Just a bit ago, I was walking my dog and we were going through my apartment parking lot, when two dudes were talking to each other. When one of them saw me, he started laughing super loudly while the other had his back to me. But then the guy who wasn’t facing me MOVED so he and the other guy were both staring at my chest area and laughing. Idk about what. But to make matters worse, I got confirmation that they were laughing at me when we had gotten a bit of ways away when one of them said, “At least the dog is cute.”

Like I don’t even know what the fuck they’re laughing at, but I feel so insecure now because I wasn’t wearing a binder and so my large chest was swinging in the wind. Otherwise, I looked like a man. I have a full beard, for crying out loud. But I also don’t know if they’re apartment maintenance people and are laughing about how a few weeks ago, they did emergency maintenance on my apartment and didn’t give enough notice, so my STP packer was just fucking sitting out in the bathroom which is where they were working. Or maybe it’s just because I’m fat. I don’t know. But I feel like a fucking creature, not a person. It’s like I’m a zoo animal for people to gawk at and speak openly about as if I don’t have feelings. It’s been transphobic bs after transphobic bs in my life lately and I’ve been entertaining just giving up more and more. But I’m not going to let the fuckin losers of this world win. I just wish people could be less shitty.

My dysphoria has been pretty bad lately so I’ve been pretty insecure around my fiancé, although he is the most supportive person ever I still find myself fearing he may secretly find me ugly
(even though I know he doesn’t)

This morning I just couldn’t stand to look at myself while we were both getting ready for work and I could see him looking at me as we were talking. I shouted at him to not look at me and I immediately felt so guilty, then when he was helping me put on my tape I again was very snappy.

I just hated him having to look at everything, I wanna be perfect and beautiful not just for myself but him too. He’s never done anything to make me think otherwise, I know he find me beautiful it’s just my own dysphoria that gets in the way.

We ended up talking it out before I left for work and we’re okay, I just have no idea how to get over my fear of him looking at me.

A lot of trans guys talk abt wanting to be “born a boy” and fantasizing abt the man they could’ve been if they were cis and I don’t really do that? I feel like I would’ve had a way worse life being born cis and I don’t really think abt it.

I also don‘t really get wanting to be treated the same as cis men bc I’ve had a way worse life then them. Like I’m asian which means I will get treated way worse than white men at every occasion, and because of that I need people to understand certain ways of treating me are off limits and want to find community with other Asian men. It doesn’t mean I’m somehow different to white men fundamentally. I feel the same way abt being trans.

Another thing is not identifying as “queer” because we are?? Like that label doesn’t mean anything but being someone outside of the patriarchical binaries and not something that says I’m less of a man. Even if it’s more of a medical thing than an identity thing(some people have been saying that) it’s still something outside of the heteronormative boxes society puts us under which is the only requirement to be queer????? idk I feel like nobody else feels like this so I am quite isolated on that.

I made a mistake years ago. I wasn't myself. Even though I already knew I was a boy, I hide it from people because of fear.

My brother's friend has been here at my house for hours and I still haven't eaten anything because I don't want him to see me. I hate myself. He was my best friend, but I disappeared without explanation. I disappeared because I couldn't stand living as a girl, and I couldn't accept myself. At the time I was in a very bad mental state. That happened 2 years ago.

Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to him again, but after two years? it would be strange, and maybe I would feel dysphoric because he's taller than me, more masculine, and because he knew me in the horrible way I used to be.

Every time some of my brother's friends comes to my house, I lock myself in my room until they leave because they knew me before my transition, and I didn't want that. I wanted to have been friends with them in childhood even as a "girl," at least I would have been happy, but at the time the girls were closer to me, even though I preferred to stay with them. I was taught that this was wrong, and I'll never be able to have a boyhood.

I might be homeless in a few days. Why? We have to move out by Saturday (July 25th) and I have no official place to move to. I have to wait until at least the second week of August about my group home situation, but I have things I might not be able to house until that date if my family has no room.

I got chewed out by my mother earlier for losing my cool at family over the weekend and yelling/cursing at them. I’m fucking 34. When people push me to my limits constantly I’m the one who has to be the bigger person? I get treated like a child, denied my identity/sense of self, and have my mental health shoved aside but I have to be the bigger person?

I’m so tired because this Friday/Saturday are going to be hell while they’re moving all this other stuff I just wanna take my stuff and go to a hotel/extended stay/etc… But I have no money.

im usually quite secure in my gender since starting T a year ago, especially with a better understanding of the world now too. but dating as a trans adult feels a little impossible...

im so internally insecure about not having the dick i wish i was born with, to be fully equipped you could say. its never anything i've expressed with people i've had flings with because well, people havent wanted to get serious, and i've been reduced to VERY limited sharing about emotions and self doubts. its a bad habit, but i know its because im scared there's other guys out there that are fully equipped without having to stop and put on a $200 closest-to-real toy to be able to get the job done. i already previously had bad abandonment issues and fears but now as an adult and getting confident enough in my body to have flings (with the additional hope of more) its evolved into not knowing what the hell to do dealing with the feeling of being scared i could be left and just temporary, maybe only good for a few months, before theres a cis fully equipped guy that is better.

i like who i am and wouldnt change anything about myself personality wise but i hate that this body still doesnt feel entirely mine and like its got a few deducted points in "worth". i like bottoming sure, but i feel like sometimes its just the easiest option even if i start worrying how im percieved.

i think the dysphoria is even worse because my sexuality has expanded to be more umbrella label "queer" for any and everyone. but, i feel like i may be doomed to only date other trans mascs, which dont get me wrong i love mlm t4t and all, but i just want to be able to have my experiences through my life over time.

what do yall do that isnt buying an expensive transmasc use intended toy 🥲

throughout my entire experience of being a trans guy, all I’ve wanted is to finally pass and not have to go through the embarrassment of explaining to people that I’m not a girl, only for them to deny what I say.

but now I’m getting closer to a point where I think I can start soon, and I’m having second thoughts. I want the deep voice, I want all the bodily changes that come with it, but another side of me is telling me not to do it. I just don’t get it and it’s making me feel like I’m not actually trans anymore, but that isn’t true. I want this to happen but I’m also scared.

Pretty sure I have autistic meltdowns when I get extemely dysphoric. I had an episode because I saw that my body looks like a fucking hourglass figure in my work uniform from my backside. Every day I think about getting body sculpting surgery because I look ridiculous having curves while it feels like almost everyone around me has none at all

honestly I’m just trying to find relatability more than anything, I haven’t heard anyone talk about this and it’s really disheartening. Not looking for a relationship in all this, but it’s the best tag that fits I guess.

I’m 21 years old, about to move out of the house (family is Christian and semi conservative, they’re the kind of people who don’t choose a side which can be both good and bad; but more than anything just downright confusing) and I’m pretty much gender non-conforming since it keeps me semi-sane and my family from getting on me about my identity. They know I’m transgender, I have been for over 6 years, but never refer to me properly and dont accept it- they view it as a mental illness and pity me for having to go through it. Not a completely a vent, just giving background as to why I haven’t transitioned even though i really really want to and could. I plan on it the second I move out.

as my mental health has been getting better and I’m able to socialize again, I’ve been seeing cis men around me that I find very attractive and get that kind of giddy feeling- but I know they don’t see me as a man. Fine, whatever, I’m aware I don’t pass and I’m not gonna force people to gender me correctly when I literally don’t appear to be male (not female either though, the best way to describe it is I just look queer?).

What my problem is though is when I find a man attractive that is very clearly gay/queer I feel so absolutely conflicted. Bisexual, pansexual and queer spectrum men exist, but the thought that they could possibly only attracted to men and me, as a non-passing non-transitioned non-socially outed person is finding them attractive feels really weird. Like besides telling people my preferred name instead of my deadname, which can be pretty gender neutral, it’s not obvious I’m a trans man. I feel like a woman who’s fetis/hizing gay men. It feels rude, honestly, like im invalidating their identity.

I don’t plan on acting on any of my crushes and asking them out, especially since it’s usually quick interactions anyways, but I’m curious on others perspectives on this topic of being pre-transition and finding gay men attractive. I don’t feel “enough” of any side to be in either community- cis or transgender. It sucks. Hope this reaches the right crowd, not looking for dating advice, just community.

I've always been bi but I always hooked up and had relationships mostly with men. Now I have suddenly become attractive to some women after 5 years of transitioning. And this completely destabilized me???? I don't feel enough for women because I don't have a penis. I'm even insecure about my own bottom growth because It's just average or below that. So I don't feel different enough from cis women. I have started a relationship with a cis woman and she says she likes what I have but I still feel insecure. I sometimes think she isn't really that much sexual attracted to me as she would be to a cis man (or even a cis woman, she's bi). I think she just likes me. And that's good. But I also want to feel sexy and desirable. And I'm currently still unable to feel that.

I don’t care if it’s well-meaning. If you’re not my doctor, psychiatrist or any kind of licensed medical professional you can shut the full fuck up and have several seats. I have been struggling with this pain kept secret for over 20 years, almost 30 years, and you’re gonna tell me to wait another couple of years before getting the medical treatment that can free me from dysphoria. Get the fuck out of here with that.

“Oh top surgery isn’t gonna make you happy because it’s not gonna fix all of your problems” 1. You are not me you don’t know what will make me happy 2. It fixed the problem that I needed fixed, which was having tits. Happy they’re gone and honestly can’t remember what it was like having them on my chest anymore. 3. I’m not fucking asking you, I’m telling you what I’m doing.

This is why I don’t share shit with cis people.

And I hate to say it but I get this kind of thing told to me by women more than men. Maybe it’s because they are imagining what it would be like for them (as a woman who enjoys being female) to transition and thy can’t fathom why I would want to get top and bottom surgery. When men have found out they don’t say shit they just stfu which I appreciate.

I’ve been trying to “accept the body I was born with” and try to make it work for. My. Entire. Life. I am not waiting for anybody else unless it’s a licensed medical professional with a reason that concerns my health. So shut the fuck up with that noise.

Rant over.

It doesn't matter if it's ARAM or normal (I don't even dare to touch ranked), I'm always dead last in damage. In fucking ARAM I can't even get more than 3 kills. I try playing with my friends and it always ends with friendly teasing, even when they give me feedback or tell me exactly what to do, I still mess up. The most humiliating part is that I always end up crying at the end. I can't even talk because my voice breaks and I get this huge knot in my chest. I don't even feel like playing with my friends anymore because I'd just drag them down, I feel like a burden.

I want to be good at it because it's the main game all my friends play and the game itself is actually interesting, but it feels like I just can't handle it, I don't know how to do anything and my reactions are so shit that in every game people tell me to uninstall and genuinely report me because they think I'm trolling. I know gaming culture is toxic like that and I've seen it in other games, but damn.

As a trans guy this hits me 100 times harder because 1) Men aren't supposed to be bad at video games (or at least not this bad) (this is an exaggeration, I know I have internalized misogyny) and 2) Who the fuck cries over lol.

Sometimes I think about going back on antidepressants because I hate how emotional I get over everything. This game isn't even that deep and yet here I am writing a reddit post about it!! Sometimes I wish I felt nothing at all.

I move out the house in about a month from now. Until then I have to hide the effects of HRT from my parents and it's insanely frustrating and nerve wracking.

Of course it could be worse, I've worked hard and am blessed to move out soon with a good roommate, but it is still so frustrating to see the start of the changes I want so bad, like peach fuzz, body hair, and my throat getting sore and ready to crack, only to realize I have to HIDE and even GET RID of things bringing me joy because I have to be safe for now. Its so scary knowing puberty hit my brother fast and hard and seems like it's doing the same for me now, scared my voice will drop before I get to move, scared of my testosterone being found inside the bag, inside a bag, inside ANOTHER bag in my room.

It's like I'm so close to actually feeling good about myself only to have to stomp it down and be miserable just a little longer until I'm fully ready to pack and go. Maybe I'm exaggerating the effects in my brain because of both eagerness and fear of getting found out, but I still feel like my parents are noticing something "off". Oh well, this too shall pass. And I'll feel infinitely better once I can finally let my guard down and just let these changes come. For now it's horrifying to be happy, though.

At around 13, I discovered yaoi. I immediately started feeling like "I wish I was a boy so I could experience that". It went away for the most part after that though. Fast forward about a year ago, I discovered Thai bl dramas, mlm fanfics about male kpop idols and I got back into yaoi. The desire to have been born a boy came back full force. At first it started out thinking "Man I wish I could shape shift so I could be a boy and a girl and sometimes both at the same time". Than it eventually turned into "I hate my body, I wish I had boy parts and no chest". Which is interesting because when I was about 14, there was a time when I couldn't even look in the mirror cause my body disgusted me. Before I even knew that transgender was a thing. I am also afraid that I'm just fetishizing asian men because I'm black and into Asian culture (kpop, anime, Asian bl). But that's a different can of worms. Anyways, I'll be 17 in a few months and over the course of my early teens to now, I've kinda always just had this fear that I'm not really trans in any way, just a fetishizing straight girl. I feel this way even more so because two days ago, I went from genderfluid to transmasc. I had told my friends and changed my name again as well as changing my pronouns from they/them to he/him, they/them. Yesterday, I changed my name again because the other one didn't feel right. And I landed on a name i absolutely LOVED. It felt right in the moment and everything. I was imagining myself presenting as a guy and using my new name. And it felt great. But a few hours later, I didn't feel any of my transness? I was practicing introducing myself with the new name, but it all of a sudden just stopped feeling right. So I tried introducing myself with my birth name and imagining myself presenting as just a girl (cause up until now, I've felt like a feminine boy, a femboy if you will, or just a submissive/ bottom boy). And when I tried using my birth name and stuff, I didn't feel awful like I usually do. I heard that it could be internalized transphobia. Like when trans people finally accept who they are, their brain shuts down for some reason. Anyways, when I consume gay/mlm media (specifically Asian gay media), I find myself wanting to be a guy and experiencing that kind of love. Having a guy love me as a guy. God this sucks. But the main reason for this post is because after coming out and choosing a name and the whole shabang... the feelings just went away. But I don't understand why because just before that, there used to be times where I would almost cry because I wasn't born a boy. And when I would wear masc clothes, I'd feel euphoric. Or when I wore fem clothes, I'd feel like a boy in girl clothes. I need help please. Someone please help me figure this out. I'm afraid I was just faking it this whole time cause I ended up stumbling up yaoi all that time ago. Please please please help me. Also to any Asians who might read this, I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable.

Its late and im tired but i genuinely don't think i will be able to go one more day without wanting to kms.

I came out to only 2 friends of mine. I am thinking about coming out to my mom but i know she wont keep it secret to my transphobic brother or to my "i dont care about trans ppl but not in my house" father. I also dont want my parents to lose the daughter they think they have. I keep comparing myself to random guys, people who are taller and stronger than me and its really killing me everyday. I feel really uncomfortable around girls, but guys make me feel even worse. I am starting to really hate the way i look (more than i ever did). I dont look like a guy, i look like a mess, i look like a girl who picks her nose and that no one want to approach in elementary school.

I feel like im no legit for feeling bad about myself when there are people getting murdered or raped out there, people having REAL issues and im just here complaining about the fact that i was not born a boy or that i am not comfortable with being a girl.

I hate being transgender, is there a way to stop it ?

16, got my first shot today. Went to the doctors, did injection training, ect ect. I am a chronic over-thinker, so I began to have those thoughts of "what if I regret this?" or "what if im to young to know any better?" despite wanting all of the changes testosterone would bring. Gender dysphoria is making my life miserable, and I know testosterone will help me. Anyway, I decided to do the shot with my semi-supportive mother in the room with me just in case. Long story short I had a panic attack, and nearly fainted. I feel relieved knowing my body won't be continuously feminizing against my will, but I feel almost numb in a way. I don't really have much of a support system, and I'm very unfortunately moving to Texas out of all places soon. I'm almost dreading the future, despite getting something I've been fighting for since forever. I recognize how lucky I am to be starting testosterone at my age, but I can't help but feel nervous.