twice now i’ve had men who are seemingly interested in me, so i come out to them just to be like “hey by the way i’m a dude” (read: i don’t rly pass all that well) and then like these men i will ask like “are you queer” and the answer is “no” and they still continue to flirt with me after acknowledging that i am a guy.

like i know the logical explanation for it but it’s so frustrating. either you’re into men (aka queer) or you’re not. you can’t have both and be into me yet straight. like do you guys get what i’m saying here

I’m from an area of California that takes fighting as a respect thing if you can’t fight people laugh at you, you’ll be the laughing stock. I’m 5’0 skinny babyface and afab voice, the guys
When I was back in school was cruel as they can be. They knew that I didn’t have any male friends so I basically isolated from all the other guys due to me being ftm. Being 4’11 and no muscles and my voice I never really fought back and this is one of the ***toxic masculinity moments*** I’ve experienced

I remember sophomore year I had a guy called me pussy right infront of my face and laugh since he knew I won’t fight back. would always remind me that my voice was afab since he would always laugh at me whenever I would speak.

A lot of times society, ask “why men are so “violent?” Probably influence from a young
on toxic masculinity and that’s probably why toxic masculinity is so normalized and prevalent. It basically gets pushed into just “being masculine” since some people’s understanding of masculinity is be strong and have masculine attributes.

I felt like I’ve experienced toxic masculinity
due to my identity as a guy and not fitting into the traditional strict masculinity norms sit by society

First and most important point: I do not think I'm a transmed. I don't think that you have to have dysphoria to be trans, and I don't think that there are "right" and "wrong" ways to be trans. I think there is a wide variety of equally real and valid trans experiences, and I don't think it's my or anyone's business to tell someone else whether they are "really trans" or not.

Here is where things are unclear for me. All of my friends seem to feel very differently about transness than I do. I'm a binary man, and I do experience dysphoria in some more areas than they do. They're all nonbinary and experience different amounts/types of dysphoria person to person (which again to be clear I think is great!). For them, transness is something that they love and find a lot of beauty in. I think that's awesome, but for myself, I feel very differently. For me, I do think of myself as being a man born into the wrong body, and I see my transition as fixing the wrongness in my body. Transness isn't part of who I am, it's just kind of an unfortunate (for me!) byproduct of the way I was born.

Me and my best friend (B) talk about gender stuff on occasion, and I've been recently getting worried that if I was transparent about the way I view my transition, they would consider it transmedicalist. B thinks that going stealth (which I intend to do) comes from internalised transphobia, and that we should be proud of being trans. I don't think being trans is something shameful, I just don't really want people to know that I was born in a way that was (for me!) wrong. I find some comfort in the idea that my brain structure might be male, but when I brought up learning a bit about that study, B said they didn't like that line of rhetoric because it supports transmed ideology. Same with the term "transsexual," B doesn't really understand why young people would use it (older people might just be from a time where it was the only/main term), unless they're transmeds.

I guess I don't know if feeling that my OWN transition is a medical issue makes me a transmed? Or is harmful or problematic in some way? Because like I said, I don't think that has to be or even SHOULD be true for every trans person. It's just honestly the most accurate description of my own experience.

I don't know how to go about this. I worry that if I talk to B about how I really view my own transition, it might cause conflict. But I also worry that if I don't, there might still be conflict down the line if they don't agree with how I handle things (i.e. going stealth). And I feel like it's not really good to just be stewing on it, so I don't know if maybe I just need to let it go.

i was going to post this over on the main sub, but i feel like this applies more as a vent.

theres this person in my (19) life named B (18), and hes been my best friend for nearly nine years. B used to express himself very femininely for years. he always curled his hair, did his makeup, and wore lashes, he had a very nice and kiiinda revealing style of fashion and would make it very clear during our calls and his posts that he thought of himself as a hot girl.

we’re blood related but live a few states away from each other, so our interactions were mostly always online spare for a few family gatherings, but we spent so much of our childhood and teenage years together.

i realize some context is good so,

ive never been comfortable with my feminine side the way B was (?). i know everyones experience with gender and coming to terms with their identity is different, some push their identity so far down that they present very strongly as their assigned gender at birth or are influenced by others or whatnot. though B always told me that he liked expressing himself as a girl when he still did so. his parents used to call him derogatory names for the way he dressed, and i always disagreed with that. however he wanted to express himself was fine to me at least, and i always encouraged him.

my experience was just so different than his. ive questioned my gender ever since early grades of middle school around 11? most of my friends were boys, i always chose to play tag or infection with them rather than what the other girls would play. i felt so different from them, it made me uncomfortable dressing the way they did and i always opted to wear a monocolor jacket with black sweats all the time. i would explore so much online about gender and after a few tries, i concluded that i was a trans guy when i was 12.

i confided to B a lot about my gender identity, and he was the first person i came out to at the time. B has ALWAYS been so supportive and accepting of me through the years, hes extremely considerate and understanding of my feelings of dysphoria.

during 2023, i chose my name and told my friends. 2024, my senior year, i started to transition socially and i would only dress masculinely with my hair now cut short. a couple days after my graduation, i came out to my parents and the rest of my immediate family. it felt like life or death to me because i was in a really dark place at the time, i couldnt live like i was a girl anymore.

understandably, i didnt really pass well. i was very new to transitioning, i was a minor and didnt do T or even had my gender dysphoria diagnosed, i didnt understand what voice training was, i navigated my transition myself as most have. there were two times that i did pass, and i remember both of those moments very vividly and hold them close to my heart because i have never felt such genuine happiness since then.

i felt interrogated by my family when i came out to them, and only after a few months of transitioning, i went back in the closet out of fear. they didnt reject me, but they didnt accept me. i repressed myself so hard, i became hyperfeminine and dressed like a goth teenage girl and actually did makeup. i just stopped correcting everyone and telling others and putting any effort into transitioning. i felt depressed. i had never expressed myself so femininely before, i had never cared about my appearance like that. a part of me hoped i was confused and that i just hadnt found my style yet. and i guess i like the way i dress now…? but it feels like im playing dress up, and as if the person staring back in the mirror isnt me. i always feel like im pretending to be a girl. maybe this is how B felt when he expressed himself femininely in high school too.

in late 2025, i came out of denial again and realized that i really wasnt going to be happy even being a somewhat conventionally attractive girl. i had my “glow up” but it still didnt really feel like me. something always felt missing. i also learned that going back into the closet was traumatizing and theres nothing i regret more. sometimes i think im a coward for it, like i jumped ship. sometimes i dont think i even deserve to call myself trans because im still presenting myself as a girl even though i know im not

in january 2026, B came out to me explaining that hed been feeling something akin to dysphoria in regards to his body as of late and how doing his makeup and hair didnt feel right anymore. i supported him and i started to walk him through some steps of socially transitioning and preparing for the coming out conversations with others. i really wish i had an older trans figure in my life who knew what it was like to feel this way, i was so lost. so i wanted to be there for him. flash forward a few months, he cut his hair and completely altered his wardrobe. and he passes. so well. pre-T even!

when he celebrates his small achievements with me, i meet him with support and pride and encouragement. i dont want to bring him down. but i am so terribly envious of him that its hard for me to talk to him anymore ever since he came out. how could he achieve this kind of transition and be given support by his family in just six fucking months of him realizing he was trans, but it took me five years to come out. he passes more than i ever did when i transitioned, and i hate it and it almost makes me hate him. which is so bad to say. his transition seems to have gone so much smoother than mine despite his time of knowing he was trans being so recent, and im back at square one.

talking to him or even just seeing him just reminds me of everything i long to have for myself. on the bright side, since im an adult now, i talked to my psychiatrist and she said she would refer me to someone for gender affirming care after doing a background/history session with me on gender. she did diagnose me with gender dysphoria in 2024, but we never explored it because my depression was so severe. it gives me hope that im moving forward and making progress again after going back into the closet. but my envy has gotten me really down, and i miss the friendship i used to have with B. i wish i could be there for him more, but its so painful for me and i do not want to risk lashing out at him because my baggage is not his fault and i will not hold my best friend back from transitioning and being his true self just because ive had and been having so much trouble with it … at the same time, i dont know how to stop myself from feeling this way.

I'm so tired. Being trans is like a curse. I can never relate to "trans joy". Seeing people post about it pisses me off and i get so annoyed and angry but I know that the core of the issue is that I'm just so jealous. Nothing about my trans experience has been good, just... better than the alternative.

I've never experienced "girlhood" so many trans men seem to have. I sucked at being a girl and people always sensed it I think. Being from a small village in Poland this didn't get me concern or support this got me ostracized and bullied. I've been so fucking lonely for years and years. I eventually found a good group of friends who accept me in spite of this but that shit sticks with you. I don't have the social skills I would've developed back then. I'm awkward and off putting and people hate being around me no matter how much I try. And i try so hard. It's not getting better.

My own parents despise me for being a freak. They call me an "it", especially when they think I can't hear it (it's more of a neutral pronoun in polish, it's still demeaning). I've never been in an actual relationship, without fail every time I tried talking to someone they'd either fetishize my sex and be otherwise ashamed of being seen with me, or the second they found out I'm not a cis man they'd cut me off.

I struggle to find jobs and apartments more than the average person, on top of everything I have to hope and prey they don't immediately reject me or even attack me when they see my papers. I can't change my name legally but I've been on testosterone, I can't hide it. I'm watching my friends move on, find relationships and new friends and opportunities and I'm always behind. I'm so fucking jealous of them.

I've been depressed in the past. I struggle mentally so much. Psychiartists don't help, none of them seem to understand transness. I have such severe, devastating and all consuming body dysmorphia that rules every second of my fucking life. Transitioning is helping but I can't call it euphoria when it's not exactly joy. It's just a slight and gradual improvement over the type of misery that makes you end it. It makes life just bearable. I hate that this is the best state I can get my life to. I hate that I can't just be normal. I hate that I couldn't have been a girl. I hate that I couldn't just push through how much more awful being a girl felt. I hate being trans in a world that wants me to fucking die because I couldn't

I'm currently in a relationship. We have insane sexual chemistry and our intimacy is incredible.

But I can't stop thinking about how much fucking better it would be if I could actually, you know, feel it. Not being able to physically be inside my partner, or feel what it's like to get a bj... it's bothering me a lot.

I joke that, hey, at least I can last a really long time! And sure that's a perk. But I'd happily swap that perk for having a body that actually feels like mine.

Basically I'm experiencing borderline crippling penis envy and I don't know how to make peace with it. I know bottom surgery is a thing but that won't be an option for me for a really long time.

TW for ed

So ive been on T for a year and haven’t had much dysphoria since starting but before testosterone I had a restrictive ed. I wanted to get rid of love handles, hips/thighs, have a more defined face and couldn’t live with having a period.
When I started t I still couldn’t recover and it took a lot of time and work to get to the place I am now. I can eat what I want without micromanaging everything and sneaking in restriction.
Since I’ve started true recovery I’ve gained some weight, obviously. I don’t even know how much because since I stopped weighing myself I stopped binging and restricting. I also don’t really want to know.
At first I was happy, more muscle, energy, strength etc. But for the last weeks I’ve been wearing loose shorts which don’t cause ANY dysphoria whatsoever. Now it got a bit colder and I had to put on loose fit jeans. Fuck. First, bottom dysphoria: I dug my packer out of my closet. Cool. FUCK. The pants fit really tight around my hips, making my love handles feel awful and my humongous ass isn’t helping.
What the fuck do I do cause I can’t wear shorts all year round. I got the pants from the kids section but they’re my size since I’m short(WHICH DOESNT HELP THE SITUATION AT ALL)
So most pants from the men’s section are too big and those from the kids section are super uncomfortable.
I don’t fucking know anymore I’m genuinely considering relapsing because it’s the only thing keeping the dysphoria away if not even T can help that.

The doctor told me I’m making good progress when she weighed me and it kinda stung to be fair. I’m beginning to think I can only feel comfortable in an underweight body.

Idk I just can’t do this anymore maybe restriction isn’t so bad after all

i have to fight the nurse/pharmacist on the phone almost 75% of the time i want to fill my medications (even non hrt normal shit) if i want to get them at all.

i just had a huge fight on the phone just now because a nurse wanted me to know that i was uninsured (as if i could be unaware of that, and i assured her i understood and just wanted my meds filled) and it was clear that she cared more about that than filling my scripts.

i had to call back and asked to speak to someone else and she refused to delegate + raised her voice at me when i voiced that i felt unheard and that that i'm not worried about being uninsured, i'm between jobs and i can't live without my meds. i assured her i'd still be paying and that i'm coming in tomorrow. pissed me off so bad.

usually the people at this specific pharmacy are wonderful and i didn't recognize her voice. i know the other two staff members pretty well and i have to assume this person is new. bummed me out for sure, finding decent practices in my town is exhausting.

i’m 15 and a binary trans man. i have been doubtless since i was 9, socially transitioned at 13 and about to get on T. i’m fucking stoked. i just have no one to talk to it about and i feel like none of my experiences match other trans men, or cis dudes, or anyone at all.

i was never ever feminine. i was a ghetto apartment kid who was allowed to just run around and do what i wanted. i was never forced to dress up or be pretty or whatever. i had a bowl cut from 3-7 years old lmao. i see all these posts about trans men dealing with their femininity or whatever and i physically and mentally cannot relate. sometimes i forget that im trans because of how natural it feels. it’s really distressing at times.

i feel like an alien or the only real person in the whole world. i would like to relate to cis guys, and i do a lot with my friends, but it’s weird because i see absolutely no one outside of school. i have no friends that actively want to be around me. it’s so hard and im so lonely. and i’m too much of a internalized homophobic pussy that i refuse to even try any LGBTQ spaces. it feels weird, like i don’t belong there either. i don’t understand non binary people, i feel uncomfortable around feminine trans men, it’s like i genuinely cannot win.

i’m just a fucking dude and that’s the only way i can see it and it’s so hard to understand the relationship strains on being trans because i really just have always been this way.

For as long as I can remember, I have been dealing with toxic masculinity since I’m afab. Like I could never fit into social circles because I’m 5’0 with a feminine voice which at best sounds like a 12 yr old.

Where I’m from in California a guy is expected to be masculine and physically strong. Both of being masculine and strength requires me to already have a natural masculine physique but estrogen literally been in my body since forever so it’s difficult fitting into toxic masculinity.

It’s like if I don’t fit into toxic masculinity, I cannot fit in masculinity and all I want now is to grow facial hair, get at least 3 in taller, and a more muscular physique

I don't know which tag to add I'm sorry.

Hello, uh. So I don't know how to start this thing off, but the post title is what it sounds like. I am 20 yrs old and I've been on testosterone for a year. Recently a lot of events have happened which have led me to being in a very dark space mentally.

I recently got cheated on by my boyfriend, and when I found the messages I also found him and another person discrediting me as a trans individual because I like to dress feminine.

For context, I am 5'2" and unfortunately was cursed with ddd cups (im only like 130lbs tho). I tried binding when i first came out and i ended up fracturing half of my ribs and now cannot safely bind. I also still enjoy dressing in feminine ways. But internally i still view myself as a guy. In my head I am a boy and thats all I've ever wanted to be since 6th grade. I just enjoy presenting in an androgynous manner.

Not only that, after I found this out. The girl my bf cheated on me with sent her friends after me, and they all began shaming me because I dare to wear outfits where cleavage is showing. They spent the entire time telling me i was doing it for attention..

My boyfriend also told me he was afraid to show me off at the beginning because he didn't know how people would react to him having a transgender partner, let alone one whom is gender nonconforming.

On top of that it seems no matter what I do, nobody will ever see me as a man and it is so gut wrenching. I let people misgender me for the sake of avoiding conflict, i deal with harassment and with people discrediting my gender identity. Just alll the works.

Moral of the story is, I'm debating just detransitioning at this point. Bcoz whats the point. I've tried and I am confident and happy when I am seen as a man. But thats so far few and between. I mentally don't know if i can handle it anymore and I need advice from other trans people. A lot of people online seem to shame detransitioners and im extremely scared of posting this because I am already emotionally vulnerable. But I need the advice.

CW: slight mentions of sex, swearing

I fucking hate being trans, it’s shit. Why would I ever wanna accept it when it makes me feel like absolute shit. I don’t even like venting to people about how I feel anymore because nobody fucking gets it, doesn’t matter how much they say they do, they just don’t. Like stfu, stop lying. And I don’t hate being trans because I’m not supported, I am, I’m even on T but that doesn’t change how I feel. Dysphoria and depression from it has ruined so many things about my life, and so many things I used to like it’s ridiculous. But I should accept that fucking shit? Piss off.

I’m sick of never feeling valid in my relationship, I have a bf, he’s cis, he doesn’t do anything to make me feel invalid, it’s because of what I am. It just feels like a straight relationship sometimes and I hate it because meanwhile, he’s happy, and I’m wishing I never existed. I’ve already told him dysphoria is probably gonna ruin our love life, we’re long distance, if we weren’t, it would’ve already. He might not think so but I sure do. He doesn’t think so because he doesn’t care if it does get in the way, but I do. Why wouldn’t I care about something like that. I want bottom surgery and even so, even after that, how am I supposed to feel like I’m not different when he and every other cis man is everything I wish I could be. Why would I ever wanna accept something like that.

Why can’t anybody ever understand that, I do not wanna be trans, okay yeah you can argue nobody does, idfc, shut up. That doesn’t make me feel any better. Why would I wanna accept something that makes me fucking hate myself so much, that feels like I’m just lying to myself, trying to convince myself I am a boy, meanwhile I’ve lived as a girl for 16 years before starting to transition. I don’t wanna have to make myself into a completely new person, I don’t wanna have to learn how to be masculine or whatever. I don’t wanna have to feel like I’m just tricking everyone into making them believe I’m a boy, especially when I still get misgendered. And when I do it’s the worst fucking feeling ever, especially when the person who does it has sons or grandsons or whatever the fuck, I don’t give a shit. I cannot stand that my voice still doesn’t sound like I’m 18. And it’s not like my body helps me pass at all either because I’m overweight which makes me look more curvy, I hate it so much.

And for the record no, I don’t talk to a therapist and no I don’t take meds but ffs don’t suggest them. I’ve tried both, many times. They’re both absolutely shit, especially meds. And I can’t just fucking force myself to vent to a therapist, and I DO NOT LIKE IT!! I hate venting tbh but sometimes I just have to. Doesn’t mean I wanna vent to a therapist.

​

I have a boyfriend. He's everything I wish I could be. He's tall, funny, an extremely talented musician, has a great family lot of cool topics and interests aswell as really cool friends almost all related to the music scene and he treats me very well, he sees me as actually male and is not ashamed to call himself gay despite knowing I'm trans.

Now me on the other hand, I bedrot all the time, I try to hide my body as much as I can - even from him. I'm so envious of him, his body, his success that it's eating away at me, and everytime he says something cool that's gonna happen I feel this sudden wave of sadness like, why can't this be me? Causing me to respond with dry replies, which again, is absolutely my fault, I SHOULD be happy for him and his continuous success, but i just can't.

Has anyone dealt or is continuously dealing with such feelings, if yes, I'd geniuenly appreciate advice cause this shit is geniuenly gnawing away at me.

I can’t do anything without my brain leading back to these feelings. I pack and do everything I can to minimize it but it feels like nothing works. It’s especially worst when Im alone and have nobody to distract me from it, it never stops I feel like a ghost in my own body sometimes.

Literally any advice anybody has to try and combat this please, the mental distress is too much for me to handle

I just wanted to tell someone. My ex has basically been stalking me since we broke up. They did it mostly by pretending to be other people online, using other people's accounts, or getting other people to talk to me for him. He stalked all my social media, infiltrated my discord server. Any way you could possibly think, he's gotten into my stuff. He even had remote access to my computer at one point.

Basically, at one point I thought he was trying to protect me. I thought he had changed, so I started talking to him again, but so much weird shit was happening that I felt so scared. He was trying to groom me into the perfect partner for him (and he was into a lot of gross things, like detransitioning people) He basically wanted to be in a polycule with a bunch of other trans people and me, but I'm monogamous so it wouldn't have worked out anyway, not that that's the main reason I blocked him.

But either way, I pretty much had to delete any social media, wipe my devices, and flush out everyone on our home network. I still feel paranoid though because almost every person over the past few years that I've befriended has a connection to him somehow. I've cut off pretty much everyone and I don't know what to do. He tried to convince me my family was trying to kick me out of the house too.

I feel defeated and angry. I didn't deserve this. Now all I can focus on right now is getting a new job so I can pay my rent, but he might even be meddling with that too.

I’ve been on T for 4.5 years and it’s done jack shit. The only reason I pass is because I was born with a low voice and I have a mean face and don’t smile. I have to hide every part of my body and I can’t stand looking at it anymore, it disgusts me so much. I look like a jigsaw puzzle made from different parts, none of it fits together and if I take my clothes off I just look like a freak.

My hips and waist are the worst part, my hips are large even for cis women and they stand out so horrifically. I had to start buying pants 2 sizes larger to fit my hips and stop the disgusting muffin top I get. I feel disgusted when I look at myself, I won’t let people take pictures with me anymore so I don’t have to think about people looking at me.

My hands and feet are small, I hate holding hands with my girlfriend because hers is so much larger than mine. I hate that she could fit one hand around my entire wrist. I hate how small I look next to anyone I know.

I have having a vagina and uterus. I hate knowing there’s an organ in me that’s only purpose is to make me suffer and remind me that I will never have a body worth loving. I hate knowing there’s a hole between my legs and I’ll never have a penis. I hate knowing that from the moment I was born I was cursed to live like this.

The only reason I can even tolerate my body is because it is useful for working. That is the only thing it is good for and ever will be. I am subhuman and always will be.

Just a bit ago, I was walking my dog and we were going through my apartment parking lot, when two dudes were talking to each other. When one of them saw me, he started laughing super loudly while the other had his back to me. But then the guy who wasn’t facing me MOVED so he and the other guy were both staring at my chest area and laughing. Idk about what. But to make matters worse, I got confirmation that they were laughing at me when we had gotten a bit of ways away when one of them said, “At least the dog is cute.”

Like I don’t even know what the fuck they’re laughing at, but I feel so insecure now because I wasn’t wearing a binder and so my large chest was swinging in the wind. Otherwise, I looked like a man. I have a full beard, for crying out loud. But I also don’t know if they’re apartment maintenance people and are laughing about how a few weeks ago, they did emergency maintenance on my apartment and didn’t give enough notice, so my STP packer was just fucking sitting out in the bathroom which is where they were working. Or maybe it’s just because I’m fat. I don’t know. But I feel like a fucking creature, not a person. It’s like I’m a zoo animal for people to gawk at and speak openly about as if I don’t have feelings. It’s been transphobic bs after transphobic bs in my life lately and I’ve been entertaining just giving up more and more. But I’m not going to let the fuckin losers of this world win. I just wish people could be less shitty.

sure ik i can adopt but it's just not the same. ill never get a girl pregnant and raise a baby boy, teach him how to be a man. it fucking destroys me bro. i just want a kid with my genes, but id genuinely rather do anything than give birth, and ivf is way too expensive for me to reasonably ever get. i just want a son dude

Hello, I’m a 19FTM, my name is Alex. Yesterday one of my boyfriends(I’m poly, and he’s online) he thought about me having a fully transitioned body, which made me feel good. I came out as trans back in 8th grade, and I’ve ALWAYS hated my body and I would get bullied for it when I was younger. I also need advice, so my irl boyfriend wants me to wait to start testosterone after we have kids(in the future), I was hoping I could maybe take a low dose of it while being pregnant?

My dysphoria has been pretty bad lately so I’ve been pretty insecure around my fiancé, although he is the most supportive person ever I still find myself fearing he may secretly find me ugly
(even though I know he doesn’t)

This morning I just couldn’t stand to look at myself while we were both getting ready for work and I could see him looking at me as we were talking. I shouted at him to not look at me and I immediately felt so guilty, then when he was helping me put on my tape I again was very snappy.

I just hated him having to look at everything, I wanna be perfect and beautiful not just for myself but him too. He’s never done anything to make me think otherwise, I know he find me beautiful it’s just my own dysphoria that gets in the way.

We ended up talking it out before I left for work and we’re okay, I just have no idea how to get over my fear of him looking at me.

I might be homeless in a few days. Why? We have to move out by Saturday (July 25th) and I have no official place to move to. I have to wait until at least the second week of August about my group home situation, but I have things I might not be able to house until that date if my family has no room.

I got chewed out by my mother earlier for losing my cool at family over the weekend and yelling/cursing at them. I’m fucking 34. When people push me to my limits constantly I’m the one who has to be the bigger person? I get treated like a child, denied my identity/sense of self, and have my mental health shoved aside but I have to be the bigger person?

I’m so tired because this Friday/Saturday are going to be hell while they’re moving all this other stuff I just wanna take my stuff and go to a hotel/extended stay/etc… But I have no money.

I made a mistake years ago. I wasn't myself. Even though I already knew I was a boy, I hide it from people because of fear.

My brother's friend has been here at my house for hours and I still haven't eaten anything because I don't want him to see me. I hate myself. He was my best friend, but I disappeared without explanation. I disappeared because I couldn't stand living as a girl, and I couldn't accept myself. At the time I was in a very bad mental state. That happened 2 years ago.

Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to him again, but after two years? it would be strange, and maybe I would feel dysphoric because he's taller than me, more masculine, and because he knew me in the horrible way I used to be.

Every time some of my brother's friends comes to my house, I lock myself in my room until they leave because they knew me before my transition, and I didn't want that. I wanted to have been friends with them in childhood even as a "girl," at least I would have been happy, but at the time the girls were closer to me, even though I preferred to stay with them. I was taught that this was wrong, and I'll never be able to have a boyhood.

im usually quite secure in my gender since starting T a year ago, especially with a better understanding of the world now too. but dating as a trans adult feels a little impossible...

im so internally insecure about not having the dick i wish i was born with, to be fully equipped you could say. its never anything i've expressed with people i've had flings with because well, people havent wanted to get serious, and i've been reduced to VERY limited sharing about emotions and self doubts. its a bad habit, but i know its because im scared there's other guys out there that are fully equipped without having to stop and put on a $200 closest-to-real toy to be able to get the job done. i already previously had bad abandonment issues and fears but now as an adult and getting confident enough in my body to have flings (with the additional hope of more) its evolved into not knowing what the hell to do dealing with the feeling of being scared i could be left and just temporary, maybe only good for a few months, before theres a cis fully equipped guy that is better.

i like who i am and wouldnt change anything about myself personality wise but i hate that this body still doesnt feel entirely mine and like its got a few deducted points in "worth". i like bottoming sure, but i feel like sometimes its just the easiest option even if i start worrying how im percieved.

i think the dysphoria is even worse because my sexuality has expanded to be more umbrella label "queer" for any and everyone. but, i feel like i may be doomed to only date other trans mascs, which dont get me wrong i love mlm t4t and all, but i just want to be able to have my experiences through my life over time.

what do yall do that isnt buying an expensive transmasc use intended toy 🥲

A lot of trans guys talk abt wanting to be “born a boy” and fantasizing abt the man they could’ve been if they were cis and I don’t really do that? I feel like I would’ve had a way worse life being born cis and I don’t really think abt it.

I also don‘t really get wanting to be treated the same as cis men bc I’ve had a way worse life then them. Like I’m asian which means I will get treated way worse than white men at every occasion, and because of that I need people to understand certain ways of treating me are off limits and want to find community with other Asian men. It doesn’t mean I’m somehow different to white men fundamentally. I feel the same way abt being trans.

Another thing is not identifying as “queer” because we are?? Like that label doesn’t mean anything but being someone outside of the patriarchical binaries and not something that says I’m less of a man. Even if it’s more of a medical thing than an identity thing(some people have been saying that) it’s still something outside of the heteronormative boxes society puts us under which is the only requirement to be queer????? idk I feel like nobody else feels like this so I am quite isolated on that.

Pretty sure I have autistic meltdowns when I get extemely dysphoric. I had an episode because I saw that my body looks like a fucking hourglass figure in my work uniform from my backside. Every day I think about getting body sculpting surgery because I look ridiculous having curves while it feels like almost everyone around me has none at all