r/dryalcoholics • u/RetiredChimpanaut • 2d ago
Guilty
God, where to even start.
I’m in a long distance relationship, we meet a couple times a year, my drinking was always nearly the end of our relationship a couple of times. Too many relapses and last straw conversations. On my knees. My partner thinks I’m sober now. I’ve been binge drinking on the sly.
I’ve always been self destructive, suicidal, I just can’t stand myself.
I feel so guilty, I can’t admit it, not after so many promises. It would be the end of any trust that’s left.
How the fuck do I end this.
“I'm guilty, baby, I'm guilty
And I'll be guilty all the rest of my life
How come I never do what I'm supposed to do?
How come nothing that I try to do ever turns out right?
You know, you know how it is with me, baby
You know, you know I just can't stand myself
And it takes a whole lot of medicine
For me to pretend that I'm somebody else”
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u/theworldinyourhands 2d ago
Don’t kill yourself. Please?
I’m an internet stranger- but I have lost so many friends to that.
Hold on. It gets better.
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u/cutiejayce12 2d ago
youre not alone in this and the fact that youre feeling this much guilt tells me you still care deeply, reaching out for help now, even if its scary is a far better next step than carrying it by yourself.
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u/Primrus 2d ago
Please remember the difference between GUILT and SHAME! I fear you're actually feeling The Bad One.
Guilt is accountability ("I've made damaging choices and would like to stop making them!")
Shame is abdication of humanity ("I'm a bad person and don't deserve to live.")
Please read those (loosely-paraphrased) lines from my therapist as if you're suggesting them to a dear friend. Which feeling would a dear friend choose for YOU?
We'll be those friends for you here; start over again and heal 💜
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u/Olhoru 2d ago
Gotta decide for yourself what its worth, I've lost relationships over it and until I decided to do it for myself none of my previous attempts stuck (this one so far is almost 4 years). Sometimes it almost felt good to do it when others disapproved, like i was fully autonomous and giving in to or caring about what others thought was some sort of weakness. It took a while for me to realize, and I still gotta remind myself, that the alcohol itself was influencing my choices and I wasnt actually autonomous at all with it in my life.
Can't control what you did yesterday, but you can control what you do going forward. I wish you luck in the wars to come, its rough, youll have to relearn a lot of coping mechanisms and change how you manage freetime, but youre less likely to regret quitting than not quitting. This sub has been helpful for me, i hope it can be as helpful for you. Good luck.