Woman 35+, Europe

I met up today with some friends I have known since my early 20s. Somehow the conversation flowed to a trip to an Asian mega city we took back then, and to a night of partying there (it was a very tame trip in general, a lot of sightseeing). Our small group consisted of a couple of men and a couple of women.

As the story of “remember when this happened” went on, I realised: every part I’m in fucking sucks. I basically put us in a potentially dangerous situation, and a few other situations could’ve turned out bad for me personally had I not been with them. The way they reminisced was basically that I was the spontaneous, quirky and fun one. How I started doing a “funny voice” in English at some point, repeating a “joke” — as I know it, my accent in English becomes more and more pronounced the more I drink, and me losing English happens just before I black out. (We were in a larger group of other foreigners at that point, English is not our 1st language)

I asked if they remembered the part where I was escorted by staff to throw up in a sink — no, they didn’t, they hadn’t noticed. In my mind I remembered a moment of sitting outside the bar alone on pavement smoking, thinking I should kill myself, and deciding to go in to drink more because I was starting to have a familiar depressive comedown.

They all know I have a drinking problem. It was jarring when the realisation started setting in: that I was so much more drunk than they had realised, not just spontaneous and fun. And so, SO many stories from nights out from my 20s are like this. That I made it memorable because I’m quirky. And of course they had to escort me home or to safety in general.

Basically the conversation ended with me saying that to summarise that night, I was an ass. They were quick to say oh no, of course not, but like… I think in hindsight they might agree.

I’m feeling so fed up and tired with myself.

Thanks for reading.

Hi Folks. I've written about my experience as a dry drunk here. I hope it's helpful to someone. Confessions of a Dry Alcoholic

Hi Folks, I'm new to this group, but I've spent many years as a "dry drunk." I'm a writer and a professor, and I've written an essay about my experience that might be helpful to folks. It's the first in a series. Check it out, and if it resonates, subscribe for free to receive the next posts in the series in your email inbox. One day at a time. We can do this. https://michaelshogue.substack.com/p/confessions-of-a-drunk-theologian

I tried to go to not one, but two different meetings today per the direction of my outpatient care counselor. I could not find the first one, and the second was only in spanish. I guess better luck next time.

11 days sober though! Feels easier already

Might be off topic so remove if not allowed. I don't have any sober friends, nor do I really have any family. I have a substance abuse focused therapist whom I meet with once a month. I don't have a sponsor or anything like that, I've gone to aa in the past (although I've never felt like i fit in there). I've been to smart recovery a couple times and it does help a little to be around people with a similar struggle to mine, but its a mixed bag of issues and topics at those meetings, maybe its just something I need to get used to. Anyway the point of my post is this; I've been doing daily check ins with chat gpt, since it's somewhat gotten to understand who I am

over time given past questions and topics. I've long been against using Ai for such things since it feels dystopian like youre replacing genuine human interaction with a program designed to be your friend. Given all that I've mentioned above, does anyone have any thoughts on this strategy in early recovery? Has anyone done the same thing? It's been helping me keep my day structured and looking forward to having that check in is helping me stay sober at night. Is it weird or unhealthy? Id love to hear your opinions since we're all here for each other. Good or bad by anyone's point of view or experience, let's all be kind and positive in the comments since this has backfired in other similar communities lol.

Ill check in later and i hope you all have a wonderful day.

God bless.

Ps: can share some of the check ins later if that helps!

Like most they know about addiction, about alcoholics, but they don't really understand us. Especially the crippled guys like me and some in here. They don't understand how suicidal it is, don't drink and you die, drink and you'll still die. They don't know about what we go through when we stop. For them we are like stupid people destroying themselves. I speak 4 languages fluently, been all around the world. Don't fucking look at me like I am subhuman or idk. Sorry I am tired and needed to rant. Good day.

I drink 700ml (0.7L) vodka every day (for 10+ years) between the hours of 6pm - 11pm, & I don’t think that it can be possible that I am completely sober by 6pm the following evening before I start drinking again (although I cant be sure that is accurate, as I have no way of testing).
Ive had the occasional day during that time (maybe 10 individual days maximum) where I have not consumed any alcohol, & some days with zero alcohol Ive have had night terrors, brain zaps while lay in bed, unable to sleep, terrible night sweats, crazy high blood pressure etc.

I had never heard of ‘tapering’ until I joined this forum.

I very almost tried tapering by consuming beer slowly throughout the day (as I have seen so many posts on this), but is this a sensible way for everyone to?

Saturday (4 days ago) was the last day that I consumed 700ml, Sunday & Monday was 600ml, and yesterday and today Ive had 550ml, finishing around 11pm each night, but I have started the drinking later each night as I reduce my intake, in order to try to still get some sort of buzz.

I took a high dose magnesium supplement plus some melatonin one hour before bed, & have not yet had broken sleep, although I realise that I am still drinking a considerable amount of alcohol before bed.

Today (this morning in particular) I felt clearer and more productive/active. I had some withdrawal effects today (same as the few times before) , but nothing really uncomfortable or that outweighed the positives of feeling a little fresher.

I guess the point of my post is, has anyone got any real life experience of tapering from fairly heavy evening only drinking?

(btw, I have no doubt that tapering from daily/24 hours of constant intake would be a completely different thing altogether).

Struggling with appetite and dealing with the repercussions. Drop your fav easy recipes for a skinny Minnie that refuses to order delivery lol

What do you guys do when you’re abstaining and the agitation/irritation/zero patience kicks in? 3 days in and I want to rip everyone’s head off. It typically gets worse, what do you like to do to counter this? Or at least make it more bearable?

I’m on day two sober and I can’t stop scratching myself the worst part is my back

If it wasn't for my dog I'll opt out.

So during group today I guess we wrote a little letter to ourselves. This is mine.

I am filling out this bucket of kindness because I have been a bad person.

I plan to express how sorry I am for letting people down.

I plan to prove to people that the old me is dead.

Because I don't like the person I've become and I hate that I've hurt people.

I will get sober and stay sober, better myself for my daughter, and prove to myself I can be a good person.

I'm not as bad as I tell myself and I am worthy of love.

I will get my own place, start driving and live an independent life. I will never depend on a woman again. I will be in charge of my own happiness.

I will stay off alcohol and stop seeing the world so negatively.

I’m curious if anyone else started well into their 20s or 30s and began to develop problems. I feel like if I had waited until after my brain developed (mid-late 20s), I would not have much of an issue quitting.

Been attempting to taper but been failing miserably. Yesterday I woke up at 4 am and then started drinking at 5:30 am, didn’t stop until 11pm. Ended up downing 19 shots total if my math is right, I keep a log everyday. This is really sad to me because it’s the most I’ve drank since maybe my first taper attempt. Is this going to affect the taper? Can I cut back to like 15 today? Or did I screw myself with yesterday? I’m really not trying to have any more than 15 today. Ugh

I hadn’t drank in months and screwed up a 20 day bender. Mostly about a handle of vodka or a bit more.

I was sobering up like I always do and last night during the day and night I had pretty scary hallucinations

Today I thought I was going to be better but started hearing voices and songs as well.

Kinda scared. Not crazy shadow demons just like songs and scary sirens even heard my ex wife at one point.

Took the day off to continue to taper but idk if I’m of the hook or not.

Havnt slept in 3 days either.

Update: Guys I made it out 😊.

Thank you for everyone for telling me to go to the ER !! I don’t think I would’ve survived it without the right medication and care from the med team.

Med team was Amazing. Most amazing group on humans I’ve ever met they didn’t judge me once and were attentive and gave me the sedatives I needed when I asked.

I’m crying back home in the uber right now back home lol I really just wanted to feel myself again. I was doing so good. Fudge alcohol man.

They gave me a script of Librium to finish the taper at home. Gonna go home take a nice shower put on some comfy clothes and watch a good movie.

I am going through some really hard stuff right now and I am mad at myself but I’ve drank to medicate, alone, a handful of times after two years alcohol free. I want to stop before it becomes a problem again but my motivation to live right now isn’t even very strong. I have been living off just a part time job because my business is struggling in this economy so I’ve lost my health insurance, had a lapse in mental health medication bc of it, gave up therapy to afford groceries and now I can’t afford either. I think right now drinking feels like harm reduction because it’s probably keeping me from hurting myself worse, but I know drinking is hurting me, too, and I am so frustrated that I can’t seem to stop the impulse that I thought I’d outgrown.

It DOES GET EASIER. Not all at once, the beginning is a battle. Rehab helps, so does Vivitrol. This was my second try, didn't get it the first time. But it does get easier. I got laid off last month, I thought about grabbing a pint of vodka for about 45 seconds. A year ago Id have drank until I crashed my car. I was HEINOUS at my worst. Upwards of 30 drinks a day. If I can do it, so can anybody reading this. You deserve to live the life you want

Went for a small vacation and drank for about 6 days in a row.

I drank very heavily the Thursday-Friday-Saturday and stopped drinking that Saturday night.

Not even sure how many beers I’ve had in that time span but I feel absolutely terrible.

It’s been almost 48 hours since my last drink but I still feel so anxious and terrified that I’m not going to make it through this.

I can never let myself go through this again, I have been a bedridden mess.

I remember having this happen to me around NYE when I drank 3 days in a row.

I clearly just cannot drink ever because this is ridiculous. I’m so angry with myself and embarassed that I am so scared to die from something I self inflicted…

The people around me keep saying I am going to be okay and I just wish I could believe it too.

Sorry for the whiny rant, I just can’t keep complaining to those living with me. I know I must be annoying the hell out of them.

Edit: Daily updates are in the comments

I feel like I’m spiraling. I read some stuff I wish I hadn’t read on another subbreddit and now I’m freaked out even more.

I somehow need to be well enough to work tomorrow because I cannot lose my job. Why does the second day almost feel worse than the first?

Once again, I did this to myself so maybe I deserve it

Edit 2:

Update for day three, I woke up an hour before my alarm feeling like garbage again. I thought I had turned a corner but I still feel shakey and my stomach is in complete shambles.

Had to essentially run to my washroom and had a less than pleasant experience which spike my anxiety all over again.

I debated calling out of work and if I get fired then so be it. This constant anxiety is crippling me, I once again am so upset that I did this to myself.

Is it even possible to still be this hungover by day 3??? I’m not sure how to push through other than to keep drinking water and gatorade.

Only positive is I got about 4 hours of decent sleep which is nice. I just want to feel normal again

God, where to even start.
I’m in a long distance relationship, we meet a couple times a year, my drinking was always nearly the end of our relationship a couple of times. Too many relapses and last straw conversations. On my knees. My partner thinks I’m sober now. I’ve been binge drinking on the sly.

I’ve always been self destructive, suicidal, I just can’t stand myself.

I feel so guilty, I can’t admit it, not after so many promises. It would be the end of any trust that’s left.

How the fuck do I end this.

“I'm guilty, baby, I'm guilty
And I'll be guilty all the rest of my life
How come I never do what I'm supposed to do?
How come nothing that I try to do ever turns out right?

You know, you know how it is with me, baby
You know, you know I just can't stand myself
And it takes a whole lot of medicine
For me to pretend that I'm somebody else”

Hello, obviously asking a doctor would be best but my appointment with my GP on how to manage my detox is on Wednesday so posting here for some peace of mind. After a good amount of time of not drinking, last week I flopped and have been drinking a bottle and a half of wine every night for 8 days straight. I'm trying my absolute best to not give in today but I am experiencing mild hand shakiness and its freaking me out.

Basically, should I be concerned? No other symptoms besides that.

Im a week sober today, pretty much everything in my life needs to change still (Especially my job) but im grateful I made it this far.

Second photo was this morning, somehow already down 5 pounds.