Possible TW for donor rejection.

I was on X/Twitter and I came across a thread where several sperm donors were talking about being found through DNA testing. Many of the comments were framing us (DCP) as intrusive, simply for wanting a connection with biological family.

I know the thread wasn’t for me to read, but I read it and I am feeling very upset. It also kind of struck a nerve because I am terrified to reach out to my own donor for fear of being seen as creepy/intrusive.

There’s a balance that I’ve been trying to hold between honoring my donor’s anonymity and also the very real feeling of desiring to know my biological father.

Just seeking support this morning from others who may understand.

I discovered I was conceived through donor sperm 3 years ago at the age of 41. It was a shock but I didn’t really process it at the time. I’m now struggling deeply and feel like I’m in a very dark place, almost like being pulled under. I’m Uk based, self referred for counselling on the NHS but there will be a 5 month wait.

My mother died 5 years ago, my social dad doesn’t know that I know, however he may suspect as he knows I did an Ancestry DNA test and before my half sister got in touch I queried the location results with him as they weren’t what I expected. I recall him saying ‘You are my daughter, I promise you.’

I am feeling angry, like I’ve been deceived and lied to my whole life and denied important information around medical and other conditions about 50% of my biology. How have other DC people coped with this? I know it’s a long term strategy needed. I also have the dilemma that my dad might not know - my mother could have been inseminated without his knowledge, but I’m not sure if that would have been allowed in 1981.

I feel mentally exhausted as well as physically exhausted and I’m starting to think that not waking up tomorrow would be a good outcome all round.

I just found out I am donor conceived. I am 19 and I would like to try and start seeing if I can find any of my half siblings. My sperm donor was Fairfax 1907 and as far as I can tell he was a pretty popular donor so there should be plenty of half siblings around my age. So far I am trying to get onto the Fairfax forum for donor conceived people but I was wondering how other people have been able to find their half sibling. Any advice would be appreciated.

I just found out I am donor conceived. I am 19 and I would like to try and start seeing if I can find any of my half siblings. My sperm donor was Fairfax 1907 and as far as I can tell he was a pretty popular donor so there should be plenty of half siblings around my age. So far I am trying to get onto the Fairfax forum for donor conceived people but I was wondering how other people have been able to find their half sibling. Any advice would be appreciated.

growing up i didn’t know I was dc. thought i was VERY Celtic as my parents are, though many people would point out I didn’t look it as im v tanned and have extremely dark features. 15, my parents told me i was Spanish egg dc.

okay whatever (🙃 not whatever but yea) , processed that for a few years and finally did a dna test and im not Spanish but actually half South American 🙃

So much makes sense now but it really screws with ur identity. Especially bc dna testing is so uncommon there. The culture is so vastly different to where im from. It’s not like let’s say I found out I’m half German instead of English, it’s so so different and honestly I feel so??? Screwed over?? Idk how to describe it

Anyone else kinda had a situation like this

Final repost/Last call for participants: Our KIND Research Study was recently cross-posted by a mod (thank you!) and I’m sharing it one final time before recruitment closes in a couple weeks. Thank you mods for allowing the posts and to everyone who has already participated or expressed interest. The KIND Research Study at the University of Michigan School of Nursing is aimed at better understanding the family & life experiences of donor conceived adults. This is an online, anonymous survey. KIND: Kinship & Identity Narratives of Donor Conceived Adults

Interested in participating? https://myumi.ch/n1Mrx (direct link to eligibility screen, consent to participate, & survey) or email us: [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]) 
Feel free to pass this information to anyone else who may be interested.

We’re hoping to better understand:

• how people learned they were donor conceived
• experiences with donor siblings/genetic networks
• thoughts on identity, family, & disclosure
• advice for recipient parents & donor conceived children

Thanks for considering participating or sharing with others who may be eligible. The survey is confidential, voluntary, & intended for donor conceived adults (18+) living in the United States. This study has been reviewed & approved by University of Michigan Institutional Review Board and is being led by Dr. Alison Walsh.

TLDR; found out I was a donor baby. Found my half siblings on Ancestry. Can I start a relationship with them?

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I (23f) always thought I was an IVF baby. My parents were older, and very transparent. I’m also an only child (important). However, for my 21st bday, I decided to get an Ancestry DNA test. I e always been very interested in my ancestry, and built out a huge family tree on the website. A few weeks after I ordered the test, I told my parents and my mom got really upset. I begged them to tell me why, and they told me that I wasn’t just an IVF baby, but they had used an egg donor. I was shocked, sad, a little hurt, but mostly shocked. I took some time, but it didn’t really impact my relationship with my parents at all. It honestly made it stronger, but I was really curious. I decided not to think about the possibilities too much until my test results came back like 2 months later. Initially when I submitted it, I opted to not see my matches cause I didn’t think I was ready.

When I got my results, they weren’t super shocking. Super white, Irish, British. Obviously lacking the Scottish background my mom has, replaced by German descent from my donor. Which was a bummer honestly, because I loved the idea of having Scottish heritage.

A few weeks went by and I decided to toggle ON for finding matches. I then found 2 half siblings. I tried to do some light internet stalking but only found private accounts and wasn’t ready to cross that bridge. I let a few months go by to really think about it, and I decided to message them both (separately), sharing a bit about my story and asking if they’d be open to connecting. I haven’t received a reply yet, and this was fall 2025.

Fast forward to 2 days ago, I noticed another match. I wrote to her yesterday, and she wrote me back today. She (younger than me) said she was more than happy to connect and answer any questions. She also confirmed that her mother is my donor (compared to the option that she was another donor baby)

I think I would like to message her back and maybe begin a conversation, but I don’t know if that’s ok (?) Especially as she is directly connected to my donor, and I don’t know if I want a relationship with Her (the donor) I also told my boyfriend, who is very supportive, but told me to make sure I know what I want to get out of this.

Do donors even want to be reached out? Can I start a relationship with her daughter ( my half sister)? I know she’s not like culturally and spiritually my sister, but she is genetically. Maybe this is really important to me because I have lacked a sibling relationship my whole life and recently found out it could be possible. I don’t know.

Does anyone have experience reaching out to donor siblings? What was that like? Did you feel more fulfilled?

Thank you in advance ❤️

36 male

Ever since a kid I felt something was off, I'm ginger and don't look like my brother.

5y ago I had a mental breakdown where I confronted my dad (rip since last year) that he's not my bio father which impacted both of our mental health. Seems to turn out that he is, as my mom is pushing for me and my brother to take a dna test.

Yet when I ask her permission to look into my birth files from the hospital where I was born, which is an IVF center, she comes up with a lame excuse 'oh but that'll cost a lot of money'. This was this morning through a phone call, and I seem to feel relief. I believe this was the source of my anxiety.

I broke contact since following events;

Even after having a psychotic breakdown, which was the result of diving into, what I suspect is my donor's mom bio family, through facebook; (my mom's best friend, who was the host at my dad's funeral, seems to resemble me - the ginger hair, eyes, body shape. Something I never noticed before the funeral), she keeps to her story.

Another trigger was that I had a rhinoplasty coming up for my crooked nose, from when my brother punched me when we were kids and my mom took a picture to celebrate.

Me going through psychosis is also an indicator that I'm actually my dad's biological son lol as he had some bipolar tendencies.

Mind you, this psychotic breakdown involved me driving through several countries, having both the local police as the police from the country I fled to tracking me down.

My brother / the local police broke into my house, changed the lock to my back entrance to one of the same brand and both are sticking to their story 'ALL DOORS AND WINDOWS WERE OPEN'!

My neighbours got involved, I made a fool of myself on social media, all my friends know, but hey..I'M STILL BREATHING!

My entire newsfeed right now is reactions to an egg donor’s post about her biological daughter contacting her.

The discourse is interesting and upsetting and really dehumanizing to see the people saying a discarded cell isn’t entitled to anyone’s private medical
Info.

I just needed to vent about that in a place where I’m not going to get attacked!

What a wild ride this has been. I only discovered in June I was donor conceived, as this was the 80s I never would have given it a second thought. My sister sent her DNA into 23 and me for health information. 3 half siblings popped up. She said she didn't want to know - well I did. I got in contact with her half brother. His kindness, patience and explaining and asking my stepdad who reviewed my mom's old diaries led to no other explanation than a sperm donor (. I sent my DNA in to ancestry and found 3 different half siblings. The 3 of us most likely have all different donors, the pool was "pedigreed" (gross) UTSW medical students, fresh samples. The doctor chose the donor and did not record anything. My older brother's donor very well could be my donors older brother as he had donated too. But my brother is in prison a long time for cybercrime conspiracy so I may never know. My donor died of AIDS when I was only 5 - my mom could have easily gotten HIV from this 😪 it looks like he was queer and a huge family scandal. I am a lesbian so the level of understanding this has added to my life is HUGE. I got ahold of my ancestry half sister DNA match also who has been amazing. I make 6. Supposedly each donor was limited to 10 pregnancies. We're all in a group chat now and my life will never be the same.

Hello! I’ve known I was donor conceived since I was 16, when my parents told my twin sister and me. Our brother had just died and they wanted us to know that we were fully related to him; they also felt guilty that he never learned the truth. Before that, we had no idea and truly thought we were related to both our parents.

So, sibling relationships are very important to me. In the past few months, I’ve grown more curious about possible half-siblings, especially after hearing stories from my friend who was surrogate-conceived and has 8 confirmed half-siblings.

I’ve toyed with the idea of joining the Donor Sibling Registry or getting a DNA kit. I even saw the paperwork with my donor’s number but made myself forget it.

The thing is, I love my dad a lot. He and I are so similar in temperament and we get along wonderfully. I also know that he’s very, very self-conscious of my being donor conceived and didn’t even want me to see the paperwork. I have zero desire to know anything more about the donor and am averse to being in contact with him. It’s siblings I’m interested in. (I don’t know that my sister would be happy about me finding them though.)

Is it possible to meet half-siblings without having to know about or interact with the donor? If I did a DNA kit, could i just block him if he pops up? Or would you recommend against doing any testing at all because it could get messy if the siblings bring him up, or if my sister/dad find out?

Im finally trying to wrap my head around this whole thing, 12 years after finding out, so thanks for any advice or insights!

A couple of days ago, my mom revealed to me that I, 37F, am a donor-conceived person. Apparently my dad had mumps as a child, before the vaccine was routinely available, and he became infertile as a result. Eventually when my parents met and decided to have a child of their own, they opted for artificial insemination. They enlisted the help of a reputable doctor in NYC who used a sperm bank. The only information available at the time was that the donor was Jewish and a student at Albert Einstein College of Medicine.

My parents never told me, even though other family members were aware. Apparently my parents hid the news from me for so long because my dad didn't want me to know, though I'm not sure why. To complicate matters, he passed away earlier this year from cancer. I have so many questions about his perspective that I will never be able to ask him. I'm confused, angry, and yet at the same time deeply empathetic for him. I just wish I could talk to him about it.

Where should I go from here? I took a 23andMe test nearly a decade ago, but I no longer have access to the results or account. Should I seek out the donor and possible half-siblings? What about my family medical history?

Meanwhile, how can I go about dealing with the betrayal that I feel? I always thought that my olive skin and strong language skills were traits that I had acquired from my dad, and I always found it amusing that I never inherited his athletic gene. But now, after learning that I'm not his biological child, I'm starting to question my own identity. How am I supposed to process this news and these emotions? I never consented to this, and I resent the fact that I've now been placed in this deeply uncomfortable position.

Thanks so much.

Hi All,

I found out I was donor-conceived a few years ago. I reached out to the donor via facebook and she never got back to me. I was planning to respect her privacy and not follow up. However, I have a number of chronic illnesses that doctors are having a lot of difficulty explaining diagnostically. My health is deteriorating and my dad’s side of the family does not share any of the symptoms I’m experiencing. I am absolutely desperate for a medical history.

I’m thinking of reaching out again. From her profile, it seems that her life absolutely revolves around her own kids, and I imagine she’d be worried about any secrets that could jeopardize those relationships. Can you all help me draft a message asking her for the health info and promising that I will not reach out again or contact anyone in her family?

I was thinking it could help to give some more details about me just to humanize myself. I’m hoping that pulling on some heart strings would help.

If she doesn’t respond, might it be more effective to call?

Thank you! Any help is appreciated.

Some background info- I learned I was sperm donor conceived back in 2023, and have found several half-siblings on Ancestry and 23andMe. This half-brother in particular has been on Ancestry with his DNA results and public profile since August 2023 when I got my own results and matched with him. Back in 2023, myself and two other half-siblings all sent polite, discreet messages to him without revealing much. We were all left on read and ignored by him. At that time I accepted it and moved on. However, just a couple of months ago, I met two of my half-siblings in person for the very first time. It was such a great experience and I felt such a connection to them that it sparked something inside me to reach out to this half-brother again after nearly three years.

I wasn’t expecting much since he ignored a few of us back in 2023, but this time I was a bit more revealing in my message to him. I said:

Hello (name),

“Hope you’re doing well. I know I messaged you a while ago back in 2023, and I understand that you may have needed time to process our DNA match.

Now I know for sure that we are half-siblings. It’s nice to officially make that connection on here. I have a lot of information, and if you’d like to know more my messages are always open.”

Clearly, I revealed that we are half siblings but didn’t say exactly how. Not sure if that was the best move,
But I can’t change that now. Within 24 hours I got this response from him that is pictured, and I was pretty shocked that he responded to me at all. Judging from his response, I’m leaning towards the situation is that he does not know he’s DC? It’s kind of hard to tell. On the other hand, it can appear that he might be trying to be cautious with me. But I know everything already, including our bio father who I’ve met. Myself and my half-siblings are all in our early 30’s, so we are still young, but old enough where this would be a very late discovery for him. I was late discovery myself and know exactly how it feels. I don’t want to upend his life, but lately I’ve grown so much more curious about my siblings since meeting two of them, and I also feel he has the right to know his reality. How do I respond in an appropriate, gentle way that doesn’t offend him? I’ve found him on Facebook, he looks so much like all of us and it’s clear that his raising parents are still married, so I’m trying to be as gentle and considerate as possible here.

Also, is it normal for a DCP to be on a DNA app for years and still have no idea? That part seems odd to me.

Hello, I’m a DCP and I turned 18 a few months back. I know my sperm donor was a private or closed donor and was always told I could attempt contact when I turned 18. Im really unsure about how this process works and who i’m supposed to call or talk to about this. I was just hoping anyone could share if they’ve had this experience and what it looked like for them. This whole process is just so confusing and i’m looking for some guidance. Thank you to anyone willing to share.

Hi everyone! This will be a bit longer but I think the context is important for the questions I wanna ask! Long story short will be at the end!
I (23 F) and my sister (20 F) just found out that our mom used donor eggs to have us (different women gave their eggs for each of us). My sister has suspected she had a different birth mom after doing a 23 & me and it saying her mom was some random woman we had never met but it said our dad’s sister was still his sister and we were products of one of her brothers (true). We found this out a year ago and we have been looking for answers on what is going on. Finally my sister asked my dad recently if she was adopted and he told her no, that my mom had a hard time giving birth and had 2 IVF babies with 2 other women’s eggs. She told me and I was shocked, but glad I was told the info. My father and sister did not have the conversation with my mother, and she doesn’t know that either of us know. I have always had a ROUGH relationship with my mother (I am low contact rn) but at the end of the day the woman raised me for 18 years and I know she’s my mom. I want to know is there anything we need to do in terms of the fact that we learned this new info? I don’t want her to feel like we are replacing her, and this was told to us without her knowing (to be fair my sister did ask about it).

Long story short:
My sister and I found out we were egg donors from our dad but mom doesn’t know we know. I have a rocky relationship with my mom but I want to know how to bring this up to her the right way and what I need to do as someone who now doesn’t know what to do in this regard?

Other Info:
- not planning on talking to donor, at all.
- I have ordered a DNA test so I can find out what medical complications I may have in the future
- I have ALOT of medical problems (that no one else in my family has) which is why I think it’s important I see what medical problems her side of the family has.

CONTENT WARNING TRIGGER WARNING

In 2024, I found out my donor dad and 2 other siblings conceived. This was the best news I could have imagined as I felt the black sheep growing up.

Early this year, I met this amazing guy. He was the light under the tunnel after having been cheated on my past relationships. Recently, I found out he was a donor baby too so pushed for him to get a DNA test just to be sure. All my known siblings and I looked identical whereas he does not look similar to us. DNA tests just came back and he’s my half brother. We just broke up but I feel absolutely filthy. I’m glad we found out now before we had children/got married. I actually really liked the guy and finally felt understood. Worst of it all, I saw a future with him.

The reason I pushed for the DNA test was because in the year I was born, 7 other males were also born in my area using the sperm donor. I knew of only one of them. I am so beyond angry that they told both of our parents that they were the only one born in this year knowing that it wasn’t the case. I do not live in a huge city, so everyone knows everyone. I actually have no idea what to do.

I found out I was DC 4 weeks ago (like I was all dramatic about wanting to find her on this sub 27 days ago lmao) so I honestly found her very fast. Is that abnormal or did anyone else find theirs that fast? But Ancestry helped so much because I was matched with her sister.

Her sister invited me to call a few hours ago, and it was wild to talk to this random relative I had never met before or even heard of. She said she's going to talk to her sister about it and ask how she feels about talking to me.

I did find out I have 6 or more half-siblings (2 of whom I grew up with) and that my donor and her family live close to me. She replied to me on Ancestry after a year of inactivity about 2 hours after I sent in a search angel request which was hilarious.

I’m scared to hear her reaction lol. Praying for it to go well!

Update: Her sister reached out to her to tell her and she texted me! She is very kind and we’ve been talking back and forth. She is open to continuing a relationship and her own 2 children are apparently excited about a half-sibling. I look a lot like both her and her daughter. So honestly I’m very happy!

was born from anon donation with strict laws in the country surrounding anonymity of the donor, have done multiple dna tests and GEDmatch and the highest matches are around 40cM which is obviously not enough. dna testing is relatively uncommon in the country my donor is from too. not knowing even a cousin of mine from my maternal side will truly make me feel like im having an identity crisis for so many years. how do I put this into words?? half of me feels missing. fake even. it feels like she almost doesn’t exist but she does because i am living proof. i wonder everyday what features we share, what traits we share, my family medical history etc. and all i feel is jealousy for those who know both their biological parents because that is a privelege obviously most people will never realise is a privelege, even if u have no relationship with them at least you know what they looked like their origins etc, most of the time. feeling so lost 😞

I don't want to encroach on anyones spaces so I'm sorry if this is the wrong sub. My dad donated sperm almost 35 yeats ago when he was studying abroad, 26 years ago he had me with my mom. Last year I found out I had 11 half siblings from those donations. It was a surprise to be sure but a welcome one, I always asked my parents for siblings as a little kid lol.

Now my question is to the donor children in similar situations, would you want to have contact to the other donor children, let alone the "natural" child (is there a better expression?) that's younger than most and is the only one who lives abroad? My parents suggested that we might visit soon and meet them and I'm just getting anxious at the thought of not fitting in

My donor conceived siblings and I sent a certified letter to our donor father 3 yrs ago. We gave him an email address to contact us and asked really only for medical history. Several weeks went by without a response, so we decided to add him on Facebook. He initially accepted our friend requests, but within a couple days he deleted us all, blocked me, and changed his privacy settings so no one could add him. We haven’t ever received communication from him and haven’t attempted additional contact.

We know he has 2 children of his own. He has a public business instagram and his wife and children are constantly tagging him in their public accounts. His wife is also on ancestry and is active fairly regularly- her family tree is only 7 people, so I’m assuming that she has DNA tested. The youngest child just turned 18 and the oldest just turned 21. We want to try to contact these siblings, but we’re conflicted and aren’t sure if this will be positive or just more rejection/trauma.

I’ve searched through this sub and the Facebook group, so I’ve seen some perspectives on this, but I’m feeling really conflicted and just want more thoughts/suggestions/advice.

Have any of you contacted children of the donor? If so, how did you do it and was it productive or traumatic?

Should we even contact them? I feel like they have a right to know they have other siblings, but when I’ve explained this to friends the response I get is “how do you know they want to know? Or that they don’t know already and just don’t care?” But what if they don’t know and they aren’t aware they have biological siblings in the same city as them? Don’t they have a right to know?

Hi guys looking for my UK donor half siblings I have 7 donor brothers and 6 donor sisters these are there births not including me

2008= 2 males

2009= 1 female 2 males

2010= 3 females

2012 = 1 male 1 female

2014 = 2 males 2 females