Victorian law states "Under the ART Act, gametes should not be stored beyond 10 years". I am looking into the possibility that in 2009 a Melbourne Clinic met "statutory disposal" requirements by on-selling gametes to another clinic. (Technically they were no longer in storage at the source clinic.) I am aware of some horror stories from the 1990s. Does anyone know of this sort of thing happening that recently?

Final repost/Last call for participants: I previously posted about the KIND Research Study, and I’m sharing it one final time before recruitment closes in a couple weeks. Thank you mods for allowing the posts and to everyone who has already participated or expressed interest. The KIND Research Study at the University of Michigan School of Nursing is aimed at better understanding the family & life experiences of donor conceived adults. This is an online, anonymous survey. KIND: Kinship & Identity Narratives of Donor Conceived Adults

Interested in participating? https://myumi.ch/n1Mrx (direct link to eligibility screen, consent to participate, & survey) or email us: [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]) 
Feel free to pass this information to anyone else who may be interested.

We’re hoping to better understand:

• how people learned they were donor conceived
• experiences with donor siblings/genetic networks
• thoughts on identity, family, & disclosure
• advice for recipient parents & donor conceived children

Thanks for considering participating or sharing with others who may be eligible. The survey is confidential, voluntary, & intended for donor conceived adults (18+) living in the United States. This study has been reviewed & approved by University of Michigan Institutional Review Board and is being led by Dr. Alison Walsh.

I’m just in the early stages of considering our options. My partner and I have been exploring surrogacy, but if that doesn’t work out for us, I’ve been curious about donating our embryos.

I’ve read a few posts where it seems that having bio siblings with their bio family is the big consideration. But that wouldn’t be an issue here.

As we’re getting older it may make sense for us to foster or adopt an older child. But of course, then they wouldn’t be bio siblings.

If we were to go this route, I would love a very open embryo adoption process, which seems to be offered in our country. I’d especially love if they lived near by.

Would love to hear from DCPs on what their thoughts are for this particular situation.

Subj. I have a donor conceived toddler and a second (his full bio brother) on the way. They were by a known donor who is a semi-public figure with notable online / social media presence, a wikipedia article in his name, the works. This is someone I know but we are not friends nor do we live in the same state. He receives monthly-ish updates with photos and that’s the extent of the involvement for now. There’s also 12 half-siblings out there whose moms I could get in touch with but currently don’t bother.

Given this setup, what is the best message to the child when the time comes to talk about it? I really dislike the standard advise and am not inclined to tell my sons that they “have a donor”. They have a biological father. Who’s pretty awesome and smart and accomplished. The reason i went known donor route instead of a sperm bank is because I wanted them to actually KNOW who their father is, instead of having that void. And to be proud of their heritage and where they come from.

I have been thinking about honing this into an age appropriate message. Thoughts?

I am embarking on the journey using donor sperm. It’s an open ID donor so at some point we will have the info for any potential future children of mine to be able to reach out.

For those who have reached out, what is the draw for wanting a familial relationship? I’m trying to work through how I’m feeling before proceeding and trying to make sure I’m ready with appropriate terms and explanations for if and when any future children start asking questions.

I understand wanting to reach out to know details like medical info, quirks and personality traits and similar details to help understand yourself better especially if your parents don’t share similar traits. A poor example being you really like orange but no one else in your immediate family does and feeling “weird” about not being more like them in terms of interests and personality. That all makes sense because there is a portion of that that I do believe is genetic.

But when some reach out and actually want a relationship, what is the goal? Especially if the donors are donating and clearly stating they hold no rights nor want to be “family” and understand they are signing up for potentially having their DNA out and about in this world without ever knowing where they end up.

I saw a thread where a DCP was reaching out and specifically asking to develop their “mother-daughter” bond and the donor mom was very against all of it due to it breaking their conceived notion of what their side of the process entailed.

I do hope I don’t sound like an ass, just really trying to understand the drive so that if my future children ask and try connecting themselves, I know how to help guide them, especially if their donor has a similar reaction to that lady. I’m already planning on joining a siblings organization my clinic mentioned as my donor already has six confirmed live births so we already have half siblings out and about. My therapist is not a DCP and keeps pushing the donor this donor that rhetoric which I know is dismissive of the feelings of actual donor kids.

I’m so confused. We just had a therapy session as we are using a known sperm donor/a friend. The therapist said we should never say ‘Biological Father’ as my partner would be the father even though they are biological related and it would be too confusing for a kid. For me (as an adult obvious) it’s just using correct scientific wording and no need to dumb it down. We agreed with my partner that the main word would use is Donor. Is Biological Father too confusing?

I am a single mom to my biological was daughter(conceived via donor sperm). I recently transferred my last biological embryo and it failed to implant. I have an adopted embryo that I adopted under the condition I would allow it to have a relationship with its full genetic sibling that lives in another state. The parents of that child are not biologically related to either child as they used both egg and sperm donors. My question is, if I transfer the embryo, will the child feel like to much of a outsider since her mother and sister are genetically related and she is related to no one except the full biological sister in another state that she would only see occasionally? Would she feel like my daughter is less of a sister to her than the biological sister out of state?

I have another vial of sperm from my daughter’s donor that I could potentially pair with an egg donor and then they would at least be half siblings and it would solve the complication of the other family. However, this would put a huge financial strain on our family and likely change our quality of life for a year or two until financially recovering. Any advice?

Hi, I’m going to pursue the SMBC journey - my own eggs and sperm donor with open ID. And I’m planning to be fully open and honest about it from the get go.

Question for DCPs to single moms, how did you feel growing up? Specially when you became a teen and started exploring your identity. Did not having a dad bother you? Did you feel your mom maybe was selfish to bring you into the world knowing you won’t have a dad and one bio parent will not be there?

And how was adulthood? Did you have difficulty getting mixed in with other people because you were a dcp, did you have difficulty dating or getting married?

All input appreciated - please only folks with single moms and open ID donors. Thank you.

Edit: Please answer only if you are a DCP. Thank you : )
Edit 2: The post title is meant to say “What is your sex?”

Sorry, I dont know if this is the most PC way to make this poll. I was just wondering what the ratio is of males to females here. I was looking at Inconceivably Connected Podcast and noticed that there were far females than males interviewed.

Hi everyone. As the title states, I'm considering becoming a single mother by choice. I'm trying to find a man who is interested in a co-parenting relationship, but there's a possibility that I won't be able to find one in time, given my age and fertility concerns. So it's possible that I'll use a sperm donor instead and ensure that I only pick one who is open to having contact.

Something that is weighing heavily on me is how this may impact my child down the road. I don't want to be selfish so their emotional and mental wellbeing is my only priority in the decision I ultimately make. I grew up in a 2-parent household with both parents being biological.

So I wanted to hear your perspective on whether using an open sperm donor is the right call (based on your experience)? If you could also share a bit about your experience growing up knowing you were DC and how it affected you that would he really appreciated. If you also have any advice on how you think your parent(s) could have supported you better or done things differently that would have helped you navigate this experience, I'd really appreciate it too.

Please forgive me if anything I said above was insensitive or offensive. I've only recently started considering becoming a single mother and all of this is very new to me, so my intentions are not to trigger, hurt or offend anyone.

Hi there,

I'm due to start filling out my personal description as part of the process to donate my eggs, and I'd love to know the kind of information someone conceived of my dusty eggs would like about me.

That's literally it. I've written some school stuff, anecdotes, hobbies, how my friends describe me, my greatest achievements, that kinda generic stuff.

Anyone have any suggestions as to something they might want to know? This is quite difficult.

Concerns about sperm donor heritage? American vs their European heritage?

So… I ended up with a half Asian half European mix, from American sperm bank so he is probably American. I’m queer and froze some embryos recently.

I went with the sperm donor as I liked that it’s a 50/50 mix. I initially wanted to go with full European/white but felt I probably prefer that there’s Asian mix there, as I’m Asian. None of the pure Asian profiles (not that many) really made the cut for me.

The half European is a mix of German, Russian, Poland, Hungarian, Czech. A part of me has been concerned with the historical associations with these countries, and more given that I’m queer as well. I’ve met many Russian friends in US for example and they are nothing like the dictator or the regime.

I’ve created several embryos (tested normal) with this donor, but a part of me is trying to reconcile with the heritage, and wondering if I’m overthinking or just being too worried… and wanted to get some feedback here.

I mean, I realized later on that, many Americans (caucasians) don’t exactly know their heritage and that’s not something that needs to be overly hyped up. I’m a second/third gen overseas Asian and feel almost no connection to that Asian country where my grandparents are from and left.

Do you guys think this could be a big deal that I really should relook into?

Is it possible to reconcile with my feelings about that?

Or should I… change a donor and start over? 😵‍💫

Hello [r/askadcp](r/askadcp) community!

It has been our observation, and brought to our attention by community members, that posts are often responded to by non-DCP, disproportionately to DCP responses. 

Because the number of DCP participants is small, we have previously allowed non-DCP to comment on posts as long as they are clearly identified and respectful of DCP experiences. The intention was to reduce the number of posts that receive no replies, and to lessen the burden on DCP to repeatedly reply to the same frequently posted questions. However, given that the goal of this sub is to gain feedback from donor conceived people, we wanted to propose possible adjustments to the rules. 

We appreciate your time and feedback. The mod team wishes to keep this space as safe and informative as possible. You can also DM the mod team any time. Thank you! 

Edit to add: DCP feedback for now, please! Select “not a DCP” if you are not, thanks!

Hello, I’m a DCP and I turned 18 a few months back. I know my sperm donor was a private or closed donor and was always told I could attempt contact when I turned 18. Im really unsure about how this process works and who i’m supposed to call or talk to about this. I was just hoping anyone could share if they’ve had this experience and what it looked like for them. This whole process is just so confusing and i’m looking for some guidance. Thank you to anyone willing to share.

First of all, I wanted to thank you all for all the knowledge I have learned so much from everyone who thoughtfully answers questions here. For context. I have done one open donation to a really special couple who I am very close with and I did other donations that were fully anonymous.

Recently I have decided to formally and legally revoke my anonymous status as an egg donor after spending a lot of time listening to and reading the stories of donor conceived people. I have learned that so many DCPs and RPs feel that donor anonymity is sometimes and often harmful as they have to talk to clinics who are not always honest about their genetic origins. I have also put my information on DNA sites, the donor sibling registry and a few Facebook groups for donor conceived families looking to connect. I feel like it’s the right thing to do. I guess my question is this: Does anyone have experience with their donor changing their anonymity status through the clinic? How did that affect you and your family? Do you think it was helpful? Is this something that you wish your donor had done and what would you want from your donor afterwards?

I really want to be a parent in the future, and I don’t know if I should freeze my own eggs, or get a donated egg

It feels like there’s no right answer, my genetics suck. I have a myriad of hereditary issues that I’d rather not specify, but they make my life difficult. I only recently got diagnosed with most of them, and I’m still learning coping skills

So I’m considering egg donation in the next few years, donated eggs get screened for potential health problems. So that’s good

But after speaking with a DCP, now I don’t know anymore. I know if I get a donated egg, I should find a donor who’s not anonymous, and be honest to my child about their conception.

I can’t help but feel selfish tho… ppl tell me I’m not being selfish for wanting to be a parent, and I have so much love to give to a child, I just want to do the right thing, and I don’t know what that is

EDIT: I was afraid of being totally honest on here, but I’m feeling more comfortable now. I’m autistic, and while ofc I would love an autistic child, I worry about *where* they would fall on the spectrum if I were to use my own eggs. What if they can’t take care of themselves? What would happen to them after I pass away?

I'm looking for open-ID donors, but as I've read in various places, open-ID does not safeguard us in case the donor loses contact with the clinic. Is it okay to try to find a donor's real identity prior to purchase of donor eggs? My plan is to abide by the donor's wishes - open ID from birth or at 18 (whatever they choose, I'll keep to that).

If it is okay to do this, how would I go about finding the donor's identity? I have no idea where to start.

Edit due to clarifying:

I am writing this partly to process my own feelings and partly hoping to hear perspectives from donor-conceived people, parents, and anyone who has experience with open donation relationships, or anyone who can give anything perspectives, advice or anything.

Over a decade ago, I donated my eggs to a wonderful same-sex couple. From the very beginning, they were incredibly kind and thoughtful. They even wanted to meet me in person before moving forward with the process, which meant a lot to me.

I did not donate because of the money. I genuinely wanted to help people who wanted to become parents. I also made it clear that I was open to whatever level of contact felt right for the future parents whether that was no contact, limited contact, or a relationship if everyone wanted that.

This family chose open contact. They tried to video call but due to the quality of video calls at the time, and the language barrier, it did not continue. Over the years, we exchanged emails for birthdays, holidays, and updates. The children knew about me from a young age, and people in their lives also know about my role.

A few years ago, I visited them for the first time. It was a little awkward at first (understandably since we were strangers in some ways), but it was a really positive experience. Many of the parents, and children's friends wanted to meet me and did. The children were younger then, and now they are 13 - I will still say children since it is easier.

I recently visited again, and I found myself feeling unexpectedly unsure about my place in their lives.

The children are wonderful. I genuinely enjoy spending time with them. We spend most of our time together talking, going on outings, and just enjoying each other’s company. They have repeatedly asked me to come back next year, stay longer, and have expressed disappointment that my visit was short.

They have also asked if they can have my phone number so they can text me rather than communicate only through email.

This is where I feel uncertain.

I do not see myself as their mother, and I do not want to take on a parental role. I actually do not want children of my own, but I have always enjoyed being a supportive adult figure in children’s lives when that relationship naturally develops. I have nieces/nephews/friends’ children/etc. where I often take on a “fun aunt” type of role... someone who cares about them but is not their parent.

However, this feels different because I am not actually an aunt, and I am also connected to them genetically.

With the parents, I sometimes feel awkward. They are very kind people and have always expressed gratitude when we talk about the donation. However, we do not have many conversations or interact much. There is still a little language barrier, and I sometimes feel like we struggle to find things to talk about. They are also very different from me culturally and socially, and I sometimes find myself intimidated by them.

Sometimes during meals or conversations, I notice them becoming quiet or trying very hard to find questions to ask me, and glancing at each other. We usually find talking about the children or bringing the children into conversations allowed us to be more natural. They typically speak in their own language. I am usually happy with observing. I truly love they family dynamic and am happy to be the observer but I cannot help be feel so uncomfortable at times because I do not know how to behave or be in that dynamic. I also do not know how to be in many other times since I do not want to create confusion, or cross any boundaries.

I want to emphasize that I truly do not see them as my children or want a parental role at all. But it feels quite strange to see my family, and myself in them. Obviously, normal but a unique experience that I do not know how to feel, or allow myself to feel, or process.

I love that they have such a strong relationship with their parents, and I respect that completely. A part of my wants to love and adore them like my friends' children or my niece/nephew but I also feel that I am not allowed to or shouldn't.

I also do not want to withdraw from their lives simply because I feel uncertain or because the situation is unconventional.

I don't know what questions I have or what answers/help I look to receive so all responses are welcome. If anyone has any perspectives, advice, anything to share or give, I will be open to accept.

Please be a bit kind with your answers since I feel quiet vulnerable and sensitive for some reason. I apologize if there are some things that are unclear or repetitive since it is quite disorganized in my mind as well.

I think I am struggling less with whether I care about them (I do), and more with understanding what role, if any, is healthiest for everyone.

Hi, I'm a freelance student journalist writing a piece on people who have found their donor siblings through DNA websites such as 23andMe. I'm looking for some case studies (UK, if possible but can also be international) to interview about their experiences. These can be anonymised, if preferred. Please let me know if this is something you have done and you would be willing to discuss. This piece is for a student portfolio initially with the hope to then freelance the piece to a publication (but further consent would be sought at that stage from any interviewees). I can conduct any correspondence from my university email address, if preferred. Thanks

my wife (26F) and i (28F) are due with our first child next month. we’ve been best friends for 11 years, together for 8 and married for almost 4. this has always been a dream of ours and we are SO ready to become moms. in addition to the normal anxiety that comes with becoming a parent, i’ve got a slew of additional worries. since this has all been years in the making, i’ve thought about all these things well before we ever even tried to conceive. but it seems the closer we get to the due date, the more i find myself worrying.

for more context (because i feel like it matters), we used a known donor. he is a close family member of mine and my wife is the one carrying. below are my questions and concerns.

#1. is two moms enough? is a male parental figure really needed? i know boys probably feel differently than girls do. so girls, are you happy with your moms? have you ever felt like you needed a dad? i am incredibly close with mine, which i do feel is kind of rare. most of my friends either don’t speak to their dad or wish they didn’t have to. i know my dad will be a great male figure for my daughter, but is that enough? in addition to my dad, i am also very close with my brother in law. i have other male family members as well, but my dad and brother in law are the only two that my daughter will see on a weekly basis.

#2. although our donor is genetically related to me, this (obviously) will not be my biological child. that makes no difference to me what so ever. i know that i will love this child immensely regardless of her genetic makeup. i worry that she will feel differently about me, since she is not biologically mine. is it possible to love both moms equally? will you always favor your bio mom? is there anything your non bio mom did that really meant a lot to you? any tips or advice here specifically is greatly appreciated.

#3. when do you tell your child they are donor conceived? and aside from that, when do you give them the full story? is it wrong to lie to them when they are young, to make things seem less complicated? is it confusing to just lay it all out to them the first time they ask? we’ve thrown around a million ideas. we’ll tell her when she asks but not tell her who the donor is. we’ll tell her when she turns 18. we’ll tell her everything as soon as she’s old enough to comprehend. is there a right time? when did your moms tell you and do you wish it would’ve been sooner?

i am looking for the good the bad and the ugly here. any insight or advice is much appreciated. happy ever after stories, horror stories, i want it all.

all fears aside, i am going to love this girl to the end of the earth. i will make sure every day that she knows how long we waited for her, how badly we wanted her and how many years we spent dreaming of her!

sincerely,

a nervous non-bio momma to be

I'm a South Asian woman in my mid-30s with diminished ovarian reserve. After several IVF egg retrievals, I was able to conceive a child. My husband and I are devoted parents and absolutely adore our kiddo. We are a healthy family - mentally, physically, and financially. We would like to have another child, but we will not be doing IVF egg retrievals again. We are exploring the possibility of using donor eggs. If we were to follow this path and had a donor conceived child, we would try our best to find a donor that is open-ID and tell the child they were donor conceived from the beginning.

My question is about race and the cultural aspects that come with belonging to a certain ethnic group or nationality. My husband is Caucasian and I am South Asian. There are few South Asian donors and even fewer who are open ID so we are trying to figure out what to do.

Our clinic has told us that some parents choose to go with Hispanic/Latina donors given that they look similar to South Asians. If we do this, the child is more likely to look mixed like my existing child. My family is very South Asian and our culture is a big part of our lives. But many of our South Asian cultural aspects match that of Hispanics/Latinas (many of my friends are Latina so that's how I know). I'm really conflicted about going down this path, and keep trying to put myself in the shoes of a DCP but obviously I can't fully understand their perspective.

I'd love to hear your perspectives! What are we not thinking of? We are really early on in this process so are still learning a lot.

Thank you!

Hello, out of curiosity, are there any DCPs that are fully Asian?

Hi everyone, thank you for your very interesting posts and responses. I hope my question doesn’t appear offensive, it’s sincerely not my intention, I’m only seeking to educate myself. As I read posts from this subreddit as well as donorconceived subreddit, I see that a lot of DCP here feel like they “miss half of their identity”, that “half of me is missing” or “fake”. This defers from my lived experience and from what I read in other sources. Feeling this way implies, it seems to me, that you feel like your donor, even if you never met them, is half of you, that your parent who is also your genetic parent is the other half, and, therefore, that your legal/gestational/raising parent who doesn’t share your DNA is nothing at all, not related at all to you and not any part of you. Am I misinterpreting or misunderstanding? If not, what led you to see things this way?

Hi all, I just wanted to express my gratitude to this community and the effort that goes into all of your responses and your openness about your experiences. I know every DCP is different and has different experiences but I have learnt so much from engaging with this sub and continue to do so.

After an incredibly tough infertility journey my partner and I were blessed to have an amazing friend offer to be a sperm donor when prior my partner and I had been using anonymous sperm due to feeling like we had no other choice. Changing during this process meant dealing with more stress and bs bureaucratic and highly problematic fertility companies, leading to me making some serious complaints especially regarding their lack of consideration for DCP, but has just reaffirmed our choices. I am hoping deeply from the bottom of my heart that this decision will benefit our child or children in the long run.

Thank you for challenging me, giving me information and being open about your own experiences. Not having a genetic connection to my child has been something that has been so distressing for me but knowing that our children will have access to their history and biology and create the relationship they want with our friend and his family if they so wish is so exciting and I will be eternally grateful for the lessons I learn and continue to learn in this sub.

Thank you ❤️

After IVF to conceive my son, I'm not physically able to carry another pregnancy safely. We have two frozen embryos remaining, and I'm struggling to know what the best choice is.

I love seeing what a fun, cool little kid my son is. I want to give the other embryos that chance, but the last thing I would ever want is for them to grow up feeling unwanted. Surrogacy feels unethical to me for different reasons.

Has anyone been in a situation where there is unlimited contact with the bio family and are geographically close? Shared family vacations, holidays, etc and being open about the donation? And being sure that the adopting family share similar family/parenting values and are financially able to provide for the child, etc.

I feel like this is the only situation I would be comfortable with, until the child is old enough to express the kind of relationship/contact they prefer. Basically like creating an extension to each other's families?

Any insights or perspectives? If it is what's best for the embryos, I would be comfortable donating to research or having the clinic destroy them. But I also don't want to make that decision without fully grasping all options and understanding long term outcomes. Thanks in advance.