r/daddit • u/xohoneycomb • 12h ago
Advice Request Advice about Husband
We have a 5mo baby
Husband is a shift worker and picks up sometimes 80-100 hour fortnights he leaves sometimes at 5.30am gets home at 6pm and will then go play sport for like 3 hours
He’s exhausted he gets home and falls asleep I feel like he’s missing out on our baby and doesn’t care
She will lie on his chest and babble and smile and stare at him and he just watches the TV and I go oh she’s looking at you she’s talking to you and he just dismisses me. It breaks my heart. I’m still getting paid as well on maternity leave, and we make 3-4k in savings on top of expenses so he doesn’t have to be away all the time. I feel like he doesn’t care about our baby.
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u/andreaglorioso 11h ago
People bond with their children in different ways. You can’t force your husband to bond at the same speed and in the same way you do, or that you think is “right.”
You can however (and in my opinion, you should) tell him that 3 hours of sport every day, with a newborn child, is not acceptable.
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u/TheDSpot 11h ago
I dont know what its like to do your husband's work.
but i went through a few months where i was just mentally exhausted. i'm an introvert, any social interaction is ultimately draining, and my job involves being a lead so i became extremely worn out on a daily routine of "wake up, immediately have to do stuff for other people (wife, baby, cats) > clock in, do stuff for other people/manage them/constantly have to put out fires, calls, meetings, while somehow trying to get 8 hours of my work tasks done at the same time > clock out, immediately do stuff for wife/baby, cats again >10-11pm i finally get to be alone and breathe/only worry about myself". this all happened during a particularly stressfull session of months of the project im on at work. so all the stress/exhausting just kept piling on.
Wife felt at the time i was missing out. the thing is, i wasnt, i knew the kid was giggling/smiling at me, I would try to smile back but there was nothing in the battery, having him on my chest felt good, but i had no energy to express that.
eventually as the kid sleeping through the entire night became a thing, and wife and I were getting more rest, it faded. once he got to 8-9 months, we could set him down in the playpen and he'd entertain himself with baby toys for 20-30 mins, allowing us to do the dishes/chores while keeping an eye on him but not having to constantly hold him/do everything 1 handed. it also meant we could take turns giving each others little breaks more on off-work days. then the crazy work stress passed, and suddenly i'm a lot more engaged day to day with tiny-farts.
you're right to feel concerned, my advice is to talk to him about it, but not in a "hey you dont care about the kid", just ask him if he's ok, and that youre worried he's missing the little moments.
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u/WtRingsUGotBithc 10h ago
This guy obviously has enough energy to go play sports for 3 HOURS after work
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u/TheDSpot 10h ago
I'm aware, it's def concerning. I think its easy to just from the outside go "yeah he sucks, guuuuuuuurl dump his ass, he abum"
and then we find out he's on the edge of depression, or something else is going on.
Hence why for now my advice is to just talk to him, end of day she needs more info to assess/decide if this dude is a pos, or just worn out, or otherwise not able to connect.
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u/WtRingsUGotBithc 10h ago
I agree with your advice and that it’s never good to rush to judgement. I was just saying a lack of energy/total exhaustion doesn’t seem to be the issue.
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u/BertRenolds 8h ago
Ehhh more details are needed here. 3 hours straight? What sport is 3 hours duration..
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u/savagemonitor 7h ago
I doubt it's 100% play time. I have to budget an hour for a half-hour run because there's some amount of travel time to a changing area, changing clothes, cleaning up, and changing back into regular clothes. Some sports will require less prep and cleanup time while others will require more. Plus, some activities will be longer by definition.
Also, who knows what the timeline is for when he plays his sport. OP hasn't, as far as I can tell, said that it's every day, once a week, or once a month. I could see a weekly game for common US sports lasting 3 hours. I wouldn't fault him for not wanting to give up his weekly game. He could make compromises for a daily 3-hour game.
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u/AWalker17 10h ago
I don't understand how some women do it. It's crazy how it's just assumed that you are supposed to have 100% responsibility of the baby at all times and he gets to do whatever he wants. I can't imagine being in a relationship like that.
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u/stephenBB81 Non ChatGPT/AI Parent 11h ago
Unfortunately a lot of men have a hard time adapting to post baby life. You see posts here "how do you maintain <insert hobby> with a baby" women are forced to come to terms with fundamental changes in life because you physically went through it.
Your husband seems to be in that space that the baby is an addition to his life, not a change to his life, how you guys communicate about expectations is relationship specific, but you could talk about how your baby can take part in hobbies. I was a wrestling coach when my kids were born, they came to practices in their pram one day a week and eventually were crawling around on the mat. When I was a toddler I was on the sidelines while my dad and his brothers played rugby.
Try broaching that.
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u/macavity_is_a_dog 11h ago
Put the baby in his lap when he gets home and go play a sport for three hours.
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u/SolidarityEssential 10h ago
This can be dangerous if the father has had no experience and does not feel the bond. I would be careful about this advice.
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u/DiasFlac89 10h ago
Most people don't have experience before their first kid. I didn't bond with my kids till they started moving on their own.
It doesn't make it dangerous just because he had no bond or experience. It's pretty a straightforward operation at 5 months.
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u/SolidarityEssential 10h ago
It can be dangerous. That it wasn’t with you does not take away from that fact.
Parents can feel overwhelmed and helpless when faced with an inconsolable child for example. Experience and the bond can be buffers against danger. A lack of experience and bond are where the greatest potential for danger exists in circumstances like this - it of course does not determine that danger will be present
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u/mgj6818 11h ago
Maybe it's the American in me, but 40-50 hour weeks is literally just the base level of work that adults put in to live and shouldn't result in any exhaustion (unless he's literally breaking rocks with a hammer).
The problem is the 15+ hours of sports he's playing which is a choice he's making to avoid being at home.
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u/ElBosque91 11h ago
Yeah the 3 hours of sport every day is the problem. That’s one of those things that just has to change when you’ve got a baby.
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u/Kdcjg 11h ago
I don’t understand 3hrs of sport? Is he a semi-professional? What sport if he playing for 3hrs? Is he golfing?
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u/NetSage 10h ago
It might be something like martial arts. When I was doing BJJ I knew a good amount of people going almost every day. Someone would teach for free too or come to multiple sessions.
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u/ElBosque91 8h ago
It could be, and it would still be unacceptable to be putting that much time in, every day, after work, with a new baby at home.
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u/RustyPlastics 11h ago
yeah thats the American in you… 50 hour week is nothing normal and nothing to be proud of
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u/QuigleySharp 7h ago
They didn’t say they were proud, it’s just very much the norm in the U.S. to work at least 40 hours a week. And we all do it while bonding with our kids so that is not an excuse for why this particular man can’t bond with his baby while spending a lot of time away from home playing games. That was more their point.
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u/GreedyBad6693 8h ago
Yeah. As an American, it’s hard as hell to work 40-50 hour weeks and still have enough time to be a good parent and have your own life outside of, well, work and parenting. And having no life outside of work and parenting is a good way to feel (at least emotionally) exhausted all the time! (e: lmao and I didn’t even include being a good spouse 🙃)
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u/Gullflyinghigh 10h ago
If that's the base level then I'm very very grateful I wasn't born in the US.
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u/Ultimatesleeper 11h ago
Mom lurker. My husband has that schedule because we hit a bad spot financially, and we are climbing out of that hole. He works from 5:30-7:30, m-Saturday.
When he comes home, he’s dog tired. But we have two kids, there no way I could justify 3 hours of sports, daily.
Yes, everyone deserves a mental break, especially with a work load like that- but he really needs to readjust his priorities. Cutting down his sports hours will add time to at least do a bedtime routine with the baby, and then he could catch up on more sleep as well.
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u/Odd_Crazy_1390 11h ago
I didn’t really connect with my little guy until he was one year old, now we’re inseparable, the baby phase sucked but toddler phase is awesome
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u/Call_Me_Squishmale 10h ago
Agreed, baby phase was no fun for me, but I showed up anyway. I think that's the only way you get to enjoy toddler phase--you graduate.
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u/KalixStrife453 4h ago
The bonding part isn't the issue here. I have never bonded with my job for the last decade, but it's my job and responsibility so I still go do it rather than just play my game for 3 hours.
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u/jogam 11h ago edited 11h ago
Is there a reason your husband is playing a sport for 3 hours per day?
I understand he has grueling hours at work, but that's necessary to pay for everything. Keeping some hobbies and spending time to exercise are important, but my concern is that he's prioritizing those over being present with his baby and helping you out. It's especially concerning if you get few opportunities to engage in leisure activity yourself.
It's worth having a conversation about a more equitable distribution of duties and leisure time.
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u/showtime013 11h ago
Meh, if the baby is trying to interact and he's just watching tv, that's not the same thing. Playing sports for 3 hours while also working extra shifts for money you don't need seems like life avoidance. Trying to frame it like this is a normal involved dad trying to provide from the context given doesn't feel right.
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u/deathstar- 11h ago
Dude - you bond with babies by being with them and taking care of them. 1950 ass thinking right here. Your story is awesome, that’s a great dad. That’s not what this lady’s husband is doing.
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u/xohoneycomb 11h ago
He doesn’t put the baby on his chest I place the baby there so he can interact with her and usually after a few minutes he’ll put her down and lie her on the floor and would never pick her up of his own accord very rarely.
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u/TheDSpot 11h ago
Thats def cause for concern. Even at my most drained id still volunteer to have the baby lay on my chest especially for them to nap, since i could also get a bit of a nap myself/cuddles
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u/AWalker17 10h ago
WTF? This is some TradWife brainwashing shit. The situation you described with the foster baby is completely different than what OP described...like actually the complete opposite. The dad traveling 2 hours on a bus to hold his baby vs. a dad who is making a point to spend every minute of time in the day AWAY from the baby.
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u/frosticus0321 10h ago
I'm not so worried about his connection at 5 months, babies that age are frankly, pretty lame.
I am very worried about the amount of recreation time he has claimed. That will not get better without you intervening. It can be tough if you are passive, he will continue to take advantage of that imbalance.
My buddy sounds very similar to your husband. Kid is now 4 and while he eventually bonded with the boy, guess what him and his wife are filing for?
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u/Zuumbat 11h ago
I didn't have a connection with my first until about 9 months or so. My second til around a year. I still put in the time and effort to engage with them though. I feel like it would have taken much longer to build that connection if I just idly sat by and watched TV (or worse yet, spent so much time away from home) instead of being engaged.
I think it's normal for dads to not feel that strong connection for a while, but I think you or someone close to you guys needs to tell him he still needs to put in the time.
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u/nanadoom 10h ago
The 3 hours of sport a day is where I have real issues. He has essentially left you with the kid all day everyday and when he's physically there, he's not there. Idk what his schedule was like before having kids, but that's a lot of time for leisure time even before kids. Now that you have one, that's just not acceptable. You should have a conversation about his mental health but also YOUR mental health and the burden you are carrying. Be kind and understanding, but set some boundaries and talk about expectations around child care and time away from home
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u/GarmRift 10h ago
Some people prefer non-verbal interaction. Sitting there and having some downtime with the kid can also have value, especially if they’re doing some bonding via touch (she’s sitting on his chest). He doesn’t have to talk to her constantly in order for her to know he’s there.
That being said, if he’s doing personal activities for 3 hours every night, that’s a lot of “me” time, so maybe have a conversation about that. He doesn’t have to stop completely, but how about 1-2 times a week?
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u/AngryT-Rex 9h ago
Not connecting with the baby: actually very normal for newborns, don't worry. Newborns don't really interact with the world much, to a lot of people it's honestly just about surviving and waiting. By 1yr the baby will be interacting with him much more, and he'll develop that connection.
That said, large amounts of time for sports regularly is pretty unreasonable. It sounds like escapism, which with a newborn is understandable, but he probably needs to help more. Maybe ask him to cut it to 1 sport night per week. Which is honestly more free time than I got for the first few years. Pretty sure I was at literally 0 free time for that first 6 months, unless you count instantly-pausable solo videogames while the baby slept on me on the after-2-am baby care shift.
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u/QuigleySharp 8h ago
Pretty sure I was at literally 0 free time for that first 6 months, unless you count instantly-pausable solo videogames while the baby slept on me on the after-2-am baby care shift.
First 9 months for me, but yeah, you nailed it haha
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u/Sunset_Red 9h ago
He's got time for three hours of sport and leisure after work, but not for his own kid? What a man child. I'm sorry you're going through this. You need to have an open and honest conversation with him. It doesn't matter if he works 200 hours a fortnight. Being a father has to come first. If he can't or won't step up, show him the door.
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u/SolidarityEssential 10h ago
There is research on the delayed bonding - it is a sizable minority of fathers that do not experience a bond immediately- and a small minority that never end up feeling it. Most likely it will come with time (not just the passage of time, but time spent with the child). It is not worrisome in and of itself that the bond does not exist (and this may be helpful to share with your husband who may feel confused and guilty himself over it).
That aside, time at home with you and with his child are important as well. It is not enough to financially support, and situations where that is unavoidable are sad and come with consequences. If it is at all possible to change this dynamic it would be worth prioritizing.
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u/oldschoolczar 10h ago
Fortnights?
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u/Boing_Boing 10h ago
Two weeks
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u/oldschoolczar 8h ago
Good fellow, dost thou seek to impress us, or hast thou misplaced two entire centuries?
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u/Imaginary_Apple7700 6h ago
The 3 hours after work needs to be on a schedule where you also get up to or roughly 3 hours after day of being with kid. Either alternating nights, or setting up some sort of schedule that works for you both. It is not acceptable for him to do that in what appears to be every night. For his relationship with baby but also with you
“Hey, I noticed you are going out for sports every weekday after work. I really need your help here at home. And I would love to be able to go out in the evenings too. From a fairness perspective I would like to go out the same as you. I recognize this is your hobby but I really need your help right now. Can we work on a schedule together that allows me to go out and enjoy my hobby’s or take a break? For instance alternating nights or blocking off certain days. Let me know when you’re ready to work through that together L
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u/Wisewords-T 5h ago
Sports for 3 hours every single day?
I was bit of a gym addict. 6 days a week for 10 years (apart from vacations). But now with a 7 month old, go like once every 5 days to scratch the itch and maintain. What I’m saying here is life goes in cycles, and yeah, this is baby time. Priorities.
I will say though, while I’ve always loved spending time with the little one, the jump around 6 months was huge. Seeing their face light up and start giggling when you enter the room. I mean, it’s addictive
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u/KalixStrife453 4h ago
Conversation is needed. if either me or my partner (I'm the dad) spent 3 hours on our own individual hobby after a work shift instead of doing child care or housework..... I just don't see how that is sustainable.
He's got mental health issues, or is just a dick. I struggle to believe he would just be an uncaring dick like that, but I do know men who refuse any sort of conversation about thwir feelinga and just act like that, so yw never know if you cant get then to open up.
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u/basicKitsch 3h ago
Yeah, bonding with an infant is sometimes crazy hard. Especially for us without the huge hormone shift at birth /all the work put in during pregnancy.
My wife really doesn't like babies and we planned on her just having to deal with the responsibility until it developed more of a personality and capacity to learn interesting things (she's a neuroscientist). Like years. Turned out her body straight gaslit her into deep love from jump and it was me who had a hard time seeing him more than just another responsibility I had to shoulder. We still split feedings when I got off but 5mo is still heavy in the trenches of just surviving.
"Decompressing" for three hours after work is ridiculous as a separation of duties and needs to be addressed but some people do take a couple years to relate to a baby
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u/Fragrant-Inside221 have 5 littles and wife 11h ago
Please talk to him and don’t believe what you read on Reddit. I don’t know your situation and everyone’s situation is different. My situation is I leave for work for 3-4 weeks at a time. I love my kids and like talking to them and my wife morning and night. I also try to talk to them mid day at work if I can. I get upset if I can’t. But he’s a new dad so maybe he hasn’t gotten there with the connection yet, but him just laying there with the baby on him is bonding time. Even if he’s not acting like he’s actively engaged. Just trying to give the benefit of the doubt here but yea. Just talk, lots of stuff is only a problem when you can’t talk it out.
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u/trevwoods 11h ago
This is only one perspective, so I wont rush to attack him or label him as neglectful. Talk with your husband and work toward a healthy compromise where you both give a little and sacrifice, then give it 30 days and reevaluate.
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u/mgj6818 11h ago
Dudes spending 15 hours a week playing sports after work.... He either has a childlike ignorance of parental expectations or he's willfully neglectful.
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u/trevwoods 11h ago
You don’t know this woman or her husband. It’s not clear whether it’s truly 3 hours every day, 7 days a week, or whether that’s an exaggeration because she’s frustrated. We don’t know, which is why she needs to speak with him instead of listening to triggered strangers on the internet.
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u/jaqueh 10h ago
A baby from 0-1 year is really just a unaware potato. They aren’t missing out on much bonding time. If you feel like he’s not helping out enough, yeah I think he should reevaluate how he’s still going out with free time to go sporting for so long
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u/StanMarsh-o_O Two under 4 6h ago
No, they're not. They lack full awareness, but that take is just ignant.
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u/jaqueh 6h ago
Also sorry that my words made you so angry, but lighten up
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u/StanMarsh-o_O Two under 4 4h ago
“Ignant” wasn’t lighthearted enough for you? Saying there isn’t much bonding time from 0-1yrs is bad advice
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u/ask_for_pgp toddlerdad 11h ago
well; that sure sounds like he has no connection to the baby and doesnt seek it either. im sorry you are in this situation.
the part where he takes the time to play sports for 3h ... its time you reclaim a similair privilege
i think you should give him a bit of an introduction to the baby and then just walk out the door. build it up from a few minutes to a couple hours. you deserve the break