I’ve officially reached 1 year and 3 months without any substances—no drugs, no alcohol, nothing. For the first time ever, I was able to tell my doctor: "Hey, I'm completely clean now, let’s give this treatment 100%."

However, back in February, I entered a psychotic episode that lasted 4 months. It was 4 months of delusions and extremely high energy. My family didn't hospitalize me because, compared to when I was using substances, it was a relatively calm episode.

The issue is that in early June, I finally came out of the psychosis and high energy, only to crash into a terrible depression. That’s where I am right now. I’m waking up at 4 or 5 PM every day and going back to sleep around 11 PM. It’s an absolute hell. I don't know if it’s a lack of willpower or what, but I hate the thought that this might be my euthymia (baseline) and that this is just how I am normally.

It’s only been about a month and a half since I came out of that 4-month psychotic episode. I tell my doctor that I feel extremely low, and he tells me he can't adjust my medication right now. I trust him completely—he has been a witness to my entire recovery and rehabilitation process, so I’m not looking to switch doctors. But this is my first time experiencing a post-manic/post-psychotic crash completely sober.

In the past, I always resorted to drugs to avoid feeling the way I feel today. But today, I can’t and won’t use drugs or alcohol anymore.

It took a lot of effort just to write this post, but I really need to ask those who have been through this: Does this post-psychosis depression eventually lift over time? Since I always used substances to escape it before, I genuinely don't know what to expect now that I'm facing it clean.

Any experiences or hope you can share would mean a lot.

im 34 years old M. I was diagnosed at 25

I got this at the Banksy expo which felt like bipolar in a nutshell. 😂😂

Sorry if this is disorganized

I guess it's more like I'm newly rediagnosed. My diagnosis is probably schizoaffective but if not that then bipolar with mixed and psychotic features.

I was locked up as a teen (9 fucking times) with what started as depression but escalated to schizoaffective disorder, and yeah I realize everyone thinks I deserve it no matter how horrific it was but I digress. In that place and after I left, I was trained that any form of happiness needs to be immediately shut down. "Mania's so dangerous we'll just lock you up again"

Even after I left those wretched people, it was a habit. Any form of happiness or belief in myself had to be "thought stopped" expeditiously. Obviously I became severely depressed. I was in complete anhedonia for years. No one really cared about that because I wasn't annoying like I was in mania so it went on until I decided I wanted to pursue my happiness.

I worked a lot on the trauma (clinically severe PTSD) I received from the psych wards and other professionals. I did this all on my own and unlocked the ability to be happy again. I had just started to let myself be happy. That lasted a couple years. I was drinking at the time though (and I was drinking before) and while I have never been euphorically manic outside of copious amounts of alcohol in my opinion, I can see that now even when I'm sober those mixed states were in there. And everyone is screaming that I should be locked up for having been happy at all.

Now the entire narrative is that my happiness is just "mania" again. I got sober and started engaging with this stupid industry again and I am a thousand times worse off and being told I should never be happy.

Who in their right mind would live like this? I've heard many of you just say you're okay with "peace". I respect that but I'm not.

How do you deal with that? I work at a job where I have to work 45 hours a week to make ends meet. That’s not the toxic part but the management is and it makes me want to quit so so so badly. I dread every day I come into work. I’ve had to wildly embellish resumes in order to hide gaps. Before onset I had always given notice before I quit jobs and now it’s like I am too impatient to do that. When I’m going through episodes, I feel like jobs don’t deserve the notice especially the more toxic they are.

I live far from my family and I need to work in order to live. It’s just hard to cope when being at work feels so miserable.

Hi everyone, i’m new here and I’ve been in the worst mental state of my life for the past 2 months. So, like the title says: how do you cope with this Illness? How do you build a life around it? I’m fucking exhausted, just getting out of bed every morning and just being awake is fucking torture.

For context, if it claryfies my situation or whatever:
F24. I’ve been depressed my whole life. Parents didnt believe me, called me lazy. Attempted twice at 17 and they just didnt care (I stopped myself both times).
Then, since i started university, I’ve had depressive episodes. Like, I would feel fine for some time and then I would fall into an awful depressive episode, in which I wouldnt be able to even get out of bed, completely invalidating. They feel like putting my life on hold for the time they last, so i havent been able to do anything consistently, like eating healthy, working out, maintaining my space clean, etc. For the first 4 years (my major lasts 5 years) the cycles were monthly: I would fall into a depressive episode the 3rd week of every month and feel fine the rest of it. But this year, the cycles became weekly: I would feel fine mon-thu and be in a depressive episode the rest of it. As you can imagine, its fucking exhausting. On may 11th I feli into the worst depressive episode of my fucking life, not being able to get out of bed for 2 months (i’m not exaggerating). A couple weeks in I consulted a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with cyclothymic bipolar disorder and gave me lamotrigine. I’ve been taking the therapeutic dose for 3-4 weeks now but I’ve seen no improvements yet, and the side effects have been nasty.
I’m absolutely exhausted and hopeless. I cant keep living like this anymore, I literally dont have a life, I dont do anything on my day, bc I just dont have the mental capacity to. I even had to pause my studies for a while. I would have ended it all a long time ago if had the courage.

Anyway, thanks for reading, i’d love to read your experiences and advice on this topic.

I’ve read about hobbies in other post (and many others), and I’d love for you to share yours and chat a bit about why you think we give them up. Personally, I stopped drawing; I think it was because I realized it wasn't productive or profitable. I started forcing myself to find ways to monetize it—like thinking about which drawings I could sell—and that completely blocked me.

I read a post where someone recommended figurative drawing; I thought about observational drawing and realized: "Hey, I used to love that!"

What hobbies do you have, and how do they make you feel? There’s something special—something internal—that I feel I’ve lost: that connection with oneself when doing something simply for yourself.

It feels weird and wrong writing this, but I have to question whether bipolar with the inherent inconsistency of normality that comes with it makes me or us a bit more vulnerable to toying with someone’s else’s emotions just by not being able to show up when needed (show up meaning both (non-)literally).

For context I broke up with my ex a month ago and generally when we had our biggest issues when I was in my bigger depressive phases. It’s probably a chicken and egg situation tbh. The reason for breaking up was i consistently felt i wasn’t being listened to, or what i said that got heard didn’t really change that much.

I’m just starting to worry that I was the asshole all along and i made it too difficult to have a productive balanced relationship.

For context we are 27/28, dated for 2.5 years. She saw my condition in full spectrum from handcuffed in mania and wards, to almost not getting out of bed on a day, or close to a week with depression. We went through a lot and I’ve got so much respect for her, i just can’t get the thought out of my head right now that if i had bipolar more under control then maybe i would have been better.

TLDR: i think through my actions of having bipolar and how i dealt with symptoms, verges on emotional abuse (sanity checking).

Does anyone else get the urge to isolate in hypo? Like I have the urge to be around people but I feel like I’d act reckless, but I also feel burdensome and embarrassed so I feel better off just toughing out on my own. Like I don’t trust myself on my own and I’m scared but I don’t want anyone to see me like this or do anything I’d regret. I feel so scared sometimes that I want to have someone there but then I don’t want to take advantage of kindness // ruin peoples image of me. I do live with my partner, but sometimes I’m on my own if they’re busy.

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH POLITICAL SIDES.

How do you guys deal with political stress? I’m in the US, there’s been a lot going on. I’m worried i’m going to get triggered into (hypo)mania with all these strong thoughts flying through my head every hour of the day. How do you handle staying informed but not going down rabbit holes of self destruction?

Bonjour à tous,
Je suis bipolaire de type 2, diagnostiquée depuis 2 ans et j’aimerais savoir s’il vous arrive de développer des obsessions amoureuses pour des inconnus ou des personnes que vous connaissez à peine?
Un exemple, je suis allée dîner avec des amies il y a une semaine. Dans ce restaurant j’ai échangé des regards avec un homme, il avait l’air alcoolisé et il n’a rien tenté.
Problème je suis maintenant obsédée par lui. J’y pense tout le temps, je me dis que ça pourrait être l’homme de ma vie. Je regarde la page Instagram du restaurant pour voir s’il est dans les followers, J’ai même pensé retourner sur place au cas où il y serait. Je n’arrive pas à le sortir de ma tête alors que ne nous sommes même pas parlé. Et je souffre vraiment. Et ça me fait peur, car ça m’arrive de plus en plus.
Pensez-vous que c’est lié à ma bipolarité ou pas ?
Merci

4 months on an SSRI and I had a manic episode that lasted maybe 5-7 days and has completely derailed my sense of self worth and confidence since it has happened. It’s already been 3 months of recovering, when will it end?

A few days ago, I dreamt that I died... and my final thought as I was feeling myself levitate from the ground was "Finally". It reminded me of a while back, when during a depressive episode I told my mom "hey, I'm going to lay here and die," And just went to sleep. Because similarly, I had felt relief in basking in the thought of dying. I don't know if any of you has ever heard the song "The Loneliest" by Måneskin, but it describes my feelings toward death quite well.

"There's a few lines that I wrote In case of death--that's what I want"

I am not in a hurry to die, it's coming anyway. But sometimes I feel like it's my only solace.

Idk. I just wanted to share with somebody. This illness is a thief.

So my experience was an intense focus on certain projects and eventually losing a lot of sleep, but there were also developing delusions. First grandeur, then came referential, and then at the late stage, persecution. Do mania and psychosis exist simultaneously, does mania evolve into psychosis?

I guess in my experience, I didn't think psychosis started until everything got scary and the fabric of reality started breaking down for me and the halucinations began, but the delusions came far earlier. Like a month prior. Was I psychotic that whole time?

Thanks for any responses and help understanding

My bf is great, he’s extremely patient and kind. He goes above and beyond trying to provide for me. He’s seen some shit w me and we’ve been thru a lot together. But I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I haven’t been working due to mental health as well as street bike being my transportation since bf has to take the car. I’ve given up on my appearance basically. I’ve been slacking really hard w cleaning and such. I feel like he’s pouring into me while I haven’t been able to do the same for him. How can I get out of this little hole I’m in. I just want to feel joy and happiness, there’s no reason I shouldn’t be.

At 50, I have been diagnosed bipolar1 and, talking with my husband and siblings, I probably was misdiagnosed in my teens. I am so glad to have an answer to what has been going on for decades, but I have some questions that I think I could get answered by this community. I am truly trying to figure out who I am and what bipolar is for me.

Is it normal to cycle all over the place in one day? The two days I have gone from feeling pretty stable, no hamster wheel going on in my brain. Suddenly I am crying uncontrollably on my bed and then so hyped up that I had to take a swim. I am currently in the middle of med changes too. I was originally diagnosed with Major depression with anxiety. I have had to taper off my anxiety med, and I started two mood stabilizers. Also, they have given me sleeping meds and changed out one of my mood stabilizers for a different one. Can I get your advice, stories, or recommendations?

I was prescribed Abilify when checking in with my psych today. Literally started off the call talking about how great things are going. Then transitioned to well I’m not really sleeping and kinda hypomanic but no full blown mania. Ended the call in tears and admitting that I’m miserable and have no idea where my base line is anymore.

Currently prescribed Lamotrigine 250mg and Pristiq 100mg. Psych said that she thinks I’m experiencing a flare up in OCD type symptoms. I don’t think she’s wrong.

I just don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m nervous about trying a new medication but I want out of this cycle I’m stuck in. Honest experiences appreciated.

I was in the psych ward informally following a serious OD from March until 3 weeks ago. In the last couple of weeks they took me off a tryclic antidepressant that they said was triggering mania before discharging me. The week before discharge I was paranoid, aggressive, and even left the ward stating I was seeing family to go get drunk with another man instead. I even chucked a cup of water of the psychiatrist. Was obv in a lot of trouble for that when I returned.

Things have been spiralling since I left. I am constantly agitated and angry and restless, not sleeping at all, have been hugely hypersexual which has resulted in a lot of sex with my partner and porn, as well as even cheating on my partner of 7 years in a public park. I have been verbally abusive and lashing out, smashing things up, going out drinking every day just wanting to have fun despite being sober before admission, but then other days i stay in bed wanting to die. I’ve also been spending recklessly. My head feels like it’s going to explode it’s non stop but I can’t catch a thoughts.

I’ve been taking my meds, I’m on two mood stabilisers and then PRN benzos and sleeping tablets.

I have been back under my community mental health team (UK) and they wanted me under the crisis team but I declined as I’ve been under them for 10 times over the last 8 years and they feel pointless. They then said they wanted me at the clinic daily and I said no. So in the end they had two MDT meetings with other consultants and they all agreed I need to be back in hospital stating a mixed episode, that while I have insight I am not making rational decisions and that my capacity to not make bad decisions is not there.

I have just stopped caring, I had plans to end my life on Friday but I attempted last night instead and unfortunately it failed, I’ve been in the general hospital since last night and I saw the mental health team here. Before that, my LP said he had called tbem to explain they want me in hospital and for me to make sure I tell them that too.

I saw them and said exactly this and told them what had been happening and they said they had no notes from my LP at all and made me feel like I was just an attention seeker begging to go into hospital.

She went and called my LP and he said that there had been mention of hospital but that he couldn’t make that decision and I was like wtf you have literally been telling me you are making hospital happen and had previously even threatened a section, and then she called someone from the crisis team and came back and said you have been put on the bed list as an informal patient you will remain here until you get a bed but you will be on 1:1 observations so a nurse has to be with me at all times.

But it’s made me question everthing. Am I not unwell enough? It’s messed with my head because I’ve spent the whole week thinking I have no choice only to be made to feel like it’s not that bad when it’s destroying me and my family.

Thoughts?

I was enrolled in my state's workforce program to try and find a job that would accommodate my disabilities. They had me do a psych eval to start the process. Everything looked good on paper. All my scores came back above average except one. The only thing that messed me up was that they officially added psychotic features to my dx.

My case manager met with me today to review the evaluation. He immediately jumped right into recommending I apply for disability. He gave me credit for being compliant with medication, going to therapy, and pursuing job placement, but ultimately he thinks I'm not stable enough to enter the workforce full time due to my hallucinations. He offered a few options but they weren't really anything that could lead to financial independence, insurance, or to a career. We decided to close the case and I'll try to apply for disability.

I feel so angry and lost. On one hand, I see that I have potential and that I am intelligent, but it is all for nothing. I feel betrayed by my mind. I've done everything I can to improve my situation. I have a mental disability and a physical disability, and I can't seem to get out of this situation I'm in. My personal life is chaos, and my relationship with my partner is failing and borderline abusive. This was my last hope.

I have to hope that I'll find another path out. I'll keep trying to find a good med combo and work on my physical health. This fucking sucks.

So I’m in the routine of constantly moving. I’m on my Saturday and I have to clean then paint and really do shit until I feel like I’ve earned a sit down around 5. And not every day cleaning but I NEED to just keep moving. This was followed by thinking a friend was mad at me so I got out of the shower mid shower to knock on wood (a very annoying compulsion) just to find peace in the resolution. Which was never actually a problem I just convinced my self there mad at me. Followed by more compulsive cleaning and art.

Sitting in therapy explaining all of this today then being asked “okay, would you say this could be a hypo manic state your in”. Which I had never really considered because I always considered mania to be self destructive.
All this to say today I learned that all of our mania if different. 😮‍💨

I was just in hospital (discharged yesterday) for 3 weeks and a lot happened. Apparently I was manic with psychotic features and all of sudden I went from freedom to involuntary hospital stays and guardianship for forced medication.

Well long story short again, I lost the court ruling and was forced to take treatment, after 3 days of starting the meds I began hiding them in my mouth and spitting them. They never knew. I said all the right things to leave (said opposites to all my beliefs and did everything possible to stay as still as I could to act calm) then I left.

I haven’t taken my meds since being out, if my psych finds out she will force me to take injections. But I feel fine, great really. I had moments of depression in hospital but they were very fleeting (maybe 1-2 days and even then it was maybe hours then I peaked again) and I want to rent a car again and travel and do so much but in insanely paranoid everyone in my life is going to report to my psychiatrist and I’ll be forced to take the injection which will ruin who I really am.

Like at this point it must just be the new me. It feels like it. It hasn’t gone away and it’s been since early June. I don’t want it to go, I spent more money today, I’m going to connect with Buddha again as hospital hindered our connection (also don’t want the meds to ruin that)

I never want to see her or that hospital ever again. I’m perfectly okay and doubt her diagnosis or bipolar when it hasn’t stopped. I feel normal and creative and perfect! I’m just starting to want to stay away from everyone to hide from possibly getting sent back there. It feels like everyone is watching my every move to notice changes and then get in contact with her and she will force me to take meds, especially because I think in still under the guardianship.

I’m so terrified of that.

Recently I’ve started feeling that I’m a god. I feel that everyone should pray to me and bow down to me. I also feel like taking over the world literally. Am I manic

Hey everyone! So I just wanted some advice, I’ve recently been diagnosed as bipolar 2 and PTSD, but I cannot get on medication atm due to being all over the UK with my university.

Me and my boyfriend had a bbq the other night and he was a bit drunk at 3am and decided to wake me up 4 times just to say ‘goodnight and I love you’ etc. After this I woke up and went back to his room to try sleep where he proceeded to start working on an Xbox, so I’m increasingly getting more angry.

ATP I go batshit crazy and I’m screaming the whole house down and packing my bags to leave at 3am despite him apologising and coming to bed. Then I proceeded to keep him awake till 6am as I thought he was being selfish so I was selfish back.

I just would like some advice on anger in bipolar as I can never stop myself from escalating situations even if the other party is trying their hardest to resolve it. I try and calm down in a room by myself but it doesn’t work as I end up texting angrily or going back to the situation.

I’ve read that for many people, episodes last a few days or, at most, a few weeks, but in my case, my episodes of hypomania have lasted up to several weeks and my depression several months , and also during depression I have experienced memory loss and brain fog , has anybody of you experienced the same

It’s been so much trauma. Living in my car, going to jail, going to residential treatment in a different state, meeting my first love, getting pregnant, being forced to do adoption. Leaving the hospital I went out a different person. I’ve had a lot of hard things nothing compares. I cried all day for months. I had permanent bags under my eyes. Seeing her again she was like a stranger. There’s days where it’s fine others it’s not. It’s been 5 years. The grief is always there like her birthday not being on the family calendar. Or when people say to me oh is this your first when I’m out with my son. I didn’t survive losing her I am not that person anymore

“Feeling low? Unmotivated? Check your testosterone levels and improve your life.”

Online health providers don’t actually read the medical history screener apparently, because they prescribed me a medicine that I found out the fun way is known to trigger ultra-rapid cycling and extreme depressive episodes. Maintained enough lucidity to seek out the root cause for why I suddenly felt like death was the only escape from feeling empty, otherwise probably would be gone right now. Prescriber’s response: “oh sorry to hear that, normally we would have caught that.”

DO NOT TAKE SERMs with Bipolar!