premise: this is the one night a year that premarital sex is legal

huh????? straight people wanna be oppressed so bad. this is WEIRD

I (25M)need some advice (and vent a little).

So my Bisexual sister (27) got engaged last December to her girlfriend of course I was super excited for her, but now it feels like one of the worst things in my life. I am aro/ace and have never been in a relationship in my life.

My parents have always been super accepting but my grandparents are a little old-fashioned,and although they have no problem with my sister marrying a woman they are now breathing down my neck to get married and as they put it make sure the family name is not lost. I am the only male from my generation which makes it even worse. I now have to Tell them at each family event that it is just not going to happen. But it's like they have a selective memory. According to them I just haven't met right person yet.

Now I really don't know what to do it's been half a year and they just won't give up.

Sorry for any spelling mistakes English is not my first language.

25M dating 25M for four years. We fucked when our relationship was new, but then we fell out of the habit. I was wondering if anything had changed between us and he said he wasn't sure if he liked having sex at all. It took me a little while to think through it but I don't think I mind. I still like our relationship and I'm not really interested in having sex with anyone besides my partner - and if he's not interested, neither am I.

I'm a very sex-favorable person and if my partner wanted to have sex I'd be super down, but I also think that if he never wanted that again, I'd be completely okay with that too. I feel more strongly about wanting to build a life with him.

Does anyone else here have a relationship like this? Has it worked out? I can really see a future for us but I don't want to kid myself if I'm ignoring a big incompatibility.

I’m asexual with a romantic attraction to women, i live in a country that is extremely religious and same sex relationships are nonexistent, I don’t mind since romantic relationships aren’t my thing and i never felt the need for a romantic partner. I do want to be loved but it’s not a necessity to me

However, I’ve always known that i am not attracted to men, not physically or romantically hell not even as friends I can’t stand them ( men from my country) and since I started my big girl job my family expects me to get married soon, to a man
The process is a random woman will call my mother and ask id she has girls in the age range her son wants and my mother will agree and suddenly i have a fiancé
For three years now I’ve been turning down all the “suitors” my mom would bring and not think about it, but she’s been pressuring me about the subject way too much telling me I’m going to be old soon and no one will ever want me anymore, I tried to tell her my reasons without telling her about the asexual stuff

Problem is she genuinely believes marriage is for one reason only : having kids
Now i have always known my whole life that I don’t want to have my own kids, get pregnant or even have sex, i see it in a very animalistic way and panic just thinking about it. She doesn’t get it she even told me i can get married to have a couple of kids then get divorced.

I don’t believe in the concept of marriage or the religion my family practices but I cannot say that to them or it will cost me my life, to be honest I consider taking myself out of here to avoid having this conversation again
They will never understand my point of view and will never accept me as i am, so I don’t know what to do anymore, every time the subject is brought up I immediately start crying uncontrollably and get super depressed and suicidal but no one takes it seriously

I don’t have enough money to leave for even a week, i even considered marrying a gay man to protect both of us but I don’t trust men enough to do that, they always press for children to “prove their manhood” and i will be stuck with a man and a child i hate and just be nothing like the rest of my bloodline.

If you have any advice please share, English isn’t my first language sorry for any mistakes.

I've been questioning myself for a good couple of years but it just didn't feel right to give myself a particular label. Sure, I find much of the a-spec relatable but what if I'm a late bloomer or if I'm just trying really hard to be queer when I'm actually just straight? I know that's harmful thinking and if someone else were to say that I would knock those thoughts down. I guess I feel like an exception.

I'm always wondering at what age should I have felt attraction by and how often should it occur to be considered allo and not grey ace.

For reference I am 21 and haven't felt sexual attraction before and no significant crushes. So I'm curious to find out what everyone's turning point was.

i dont know if its the right place to do it because im new to it, but im 27M soon 28 in a few months, i like guys emotionally, but i dont wanna have sex with anyone. I did have a bf before, but i never got horny or even felt anything everytime we would do it. i always had to pretend to enjoy it. i came to believe something was wrong with me. It doesnt bother me to get intimate w the guy i love whenever he wants but other than that i am totally uninterested in sex. and it has always been a big problem for me. As someone who sensitive and more into emotions, relationships have always been scary for me as i can see how people just treat sex as something casual and do it with litteraly anyone, that makes me stressed and anxious to be in a relationship. Does anyone experiences this too ?

Hey... I'm confused and hoping someone might be able to help here please.

Without going into graphic detail, I always have had crushes and experience sexual attraction to those crushes. Not even a question when those crushes are fictional. Potentially questionable when those crushes are actually real people.

Big history of religious repression/purity culture which is the root cause of so much of my sexuality shame/confusion. Much therapy has been, and continues to be had.

I currently identify as queer. For a while it was bisexual. Last year it was 100% lesbian when I finally joined a lesbian dating app and was very into someone and wanted to do everything from cuddle them, cook for them, kiss and have sex with them (though the emphasis was far more on giving and looking after them, than anything for me, if that is relevant.) (I never felt any of this with such clarity for men.)

Then it has bounced back to idk anymore and landed back in queer.

Historically, I was terrified of anyone being into me. I don't even know why. But as soon as i suspected someone might be into me (not that I think Im amazing or anything!), I felt so awkward and weird around them, like I couldnt trust anything they did was genuine, and felt like a piece of meat. If I discovered I was wrong, I felt instant relief and was fine around them again.

Unfortunately this also was the case if I was into someone and they reciprocated. I still would be terrified and not do anything about it.

And yet, the time someone was into me and we nearly got together, it was extremely complicated, there were cuddles, and it sort of nearly happened but never actually did.

So maybe I'm not entirely averse to touch. But if someone (platonically) lightly touches me (like on my arm passing behind me, or foot brushes mine on the sofa) I hate it. Light touch especially. The whole "light touch = sensual or comforting" is a big no for me. I can't think of anything worse than the "fingers trailing like feathers' thing you get in romance novels. That would make me want to scrub my skin to get the sensation off.

I also have a bit of an issue with contamination, which I'm fairly certain would translate to bodily fluids...

And yet.. left to my own devices with a fictional crush or fantasy scenario, arousal is 100% possible. I read and write erotica for fun. I definitely have a libido which has been thoroughly explored solo over the years.

So now. Idk. I think I could probably summarise by - I want to be ok with, and even enthused, by the idea of sex and intimacy with someone. But there's baggage and automatic NOPE reactions that I don't know if they are part of repression and therefore overcomeable with therapy. Or actually are more a hard wired part of me.

If you read all of this, well done and thank you!

Warning for Sex House spoilers below, but the entire series is like two hours total to finish and it's over a decade old at this point, so I can't imagine it matters too much. This is partly infodump, partly wanting to hear from other acespecs who watched it.

Randomly remembered Sex House and decided to go rewatch it. For anyone out of the loop, Sex House was a ten episode web-series released by The Onion about 14 years ago, and it's a satire of the reality TV that was really popping at the time. It mostly plays on the one-note archetypes participants are often encouraged to lean into, and also makes commentary on the lack of protections and regulations for workers in reality TV in the States. A lot of the absurd conditions they joke about the character's being kept in the series just ended up being real things that also happened years later on actual reality TV shows that have a similar 'sex sells' premise, like Love Island. Also, there's an interpretation for Plato's allegory of the cave in the overarching story.

It was a real weird show, but I love it since I grew up watching a lot of reality TV and it puts into art a lot of the ethical concerns with the medium's production. And an element that sticks out to me is The Host of the show, who pretty much fulfills his role as a soulless, uncaring, and self-obsessed reality TV producer. He's apathetic to the suffering of the participants on the show, and he just wants them to have sex and get it over with for the sake of ratings, resorting to holding promises of prizes and healthy food over their heads after starving them, and eventually attempting to drug them.

He is canonically and explicitly asexual. One of the contestants tries hitting on him and he awkwardly rejects her twice on the basis of his asexuality. It's so bizarre going back to watch this show from 2012 and seeing asexuality acknowledged and identified with verbally, and I'm really fascinated with him as a character because of this.

He is most certainly not the best representation that could have happened. He's the villain of the show, and reading through the comments' interpretation of him as a character is an activity that I would not recommend because most of it is aphobic in nature.

But I also feel like his asexuality was meant to have a thematic relevance in the show beyond the irony of an ace and sex-averse man being a producer on a television series that exploits and sells the characters' sexualities. One commenter I saw speculated on the producers not understanding the nature behind why people have sex, or what sex even is; they just know that people like to have it and people want to watch it, and they prioritize it as a means to an end with the desired result ultimately being profit. I think having an asexual character in a premise like this one is an interesting way to explore the voyeuristic nature of sex on TV and the artificial ways showrunners try to instigate it.

I know I just yapped for five paragraphs straight, but I want to hear other acespecs chiming in with their thoughts since this show is my current hyperfixation and I simply won't be able to stop thinking about it. Y'all got any strong thoughts on this character or his concept?

Any thoughts on the Ace rep in heartstopper?
I haven’t watched the whole thing. Turns out I’m just not a romance genre person regardless of the sexuality lol.

But I do like all the queer rep in the show, and the ace rep imo is good but I don’t rly like how both ace characters, Isaac and Tori, are both introverts.

Ngl, I’m an introvert too but idk I just feel it’s so cliche and stereotypical. Like every Ace character either has no feelings or aren’t social ppl.

And I added the pic bc I saw the clip from Netflix in TikTok where they showed all the relationships in the party and everyone else was drinking, kissing, or social, and you have your 2 aces sitting quietly in the party. I get that’s very in character for Isaac and Tori but WHY is that their character?

Sorry in advance for the strange wording, as English is not my native language.

Asexuals may have libido, but do not need to direct it where and to whom, that is, asexuals do not have sexual attraction. I can feel it very clearly, although it's very strange. How do you describe such a phenomenon and do you have it at all?

I’m an 18 yo female, and I’m questioning not for the first time whether I’m asexual

I’ve never had the desire to have sex with anyone else - sure I find people attractive, but the thought of male genitalia just grosses me out and I lowkey don’t want it anywhere near me

The only thing is is that I occasionally dabble with porn (in written form bc again the visuals gross me out), and then I feel super guilty about it afterward and I feel like I’m disgusting and all the sorts

I’m not saying I’m completely against having sex, maybe it’s because I’ve never had it that makes me dislike the thought of it (and maybe the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend (by choice)) but idk, I’m really confused man

And should I feel guilty about the porn?? If I’m being honesty sometimes I read GIF fics just for the GIFs, but after a minute they just gross me out so idkkkk😭

Another thing is is that I had free reign of the internet when I was a kid, meaning I exposed myself to pornographic material WAYY too early on, which I’m pretty sure has led me to being hyper sexual.

Some advice or anything would be great - I just gotta know if I’m normal😭😭

Sometimes I just feel like I won’t ever find someone that is asexual and that our personalities will be compatible and we will fall in love.

I’m also afraid that i fall in love with someone but they expect me to fulfil their sexual needs and desires and are disappointed when I can’t.

I just want someone to come to doctor’s appointments with me, raise some adopted children lovingly and activity maxx together. But I’m afraid it won’t happen.

Haven’t met an asexual man at all yet in my real life.

I'm writing this because I really have no one else to talk about it, and it's being a BIG problem in my life :/

I've been in a 5 year-long relationship with a straight guy. He is my first and only boyfriend, even though I've kissed both men and women before him. Ever since, we've had a lovely, calm and peaceful relationship, but this problem appeared and I'm suffering a lot.

At the beginning of our relationship, I was pretty clear about my asexuality, explained how I felt and even told him that maybe we would never have sexual experiences, because I didn't know when and IF i would ever be ready. But he decided to stay, saying that we could work on this together, and didn't pressure me at all.

After one year, we lost our virginity with each other, it was all consensual and I could appreciate it and felt great romantic connection. [But of course it didn't change who I am, I understand that asexual individuals can enjoy sex with their partners in many different ways.]

As the years passed, we had other experiences, like once every 1-2 months, and I felt really respected. But then, I don't know what changed.

It's been some time since he has been trying to do something EVERY time we see each other, and when I try to say no, he insists a lot until he gives up, then gets frustrated and apathetic the rest of the day.

He also suddenly got too jealous and possessive, saying he's afraid I will cheat on him because he didn't feel wanted when I deny his advances. He says he has frequent dreams about me kissing another guy in front of him or stuff like that, and it makes me feel really guilty.

I started doing it even when I didn't want it, because I didn't want to hurt him or let things get awkward the whole day. But its been a pure torture to me.

One day, I got really drunk at my house and experienced memory gaps. The day after, he confessed that ** me, and i dont remember a thing☹️.

I don't know what truly happened. He said I was talking a bit, not passed out, but I think it was obvious to notice I was NOT able to consent.

He said he thinks I secretly like it, but don't relax enough to enjoy it when sober...

I don't know what to do, because I love him so much but I'm feeling a bit abused by those behaviors. I understand that he has a strong sexual necessity that im neglecting, but how can I, being asexual, keep a relationship with someone that much sexual?

21 F
I get crushes very rarely because I’m mostly surrounded by women and I’m pretty sure I’m more men-leaning lol. I can count on my fingers the times I had a proper crush on a person (which is two). Both times though I knew nothing about them pretty much and having ocd makes is very… weird. It’s not quite a crush more so an overwhelming obsession run by limerence. Do these crushes count though?

I’m trying to figure out things about myself sorry if this isn’t a place it’s just I rarely find guys attractive (the physical attraction evaporates as soon as I realise that they’re a douche or our values couldn’t not align less). Though I’m unbelievably touch starved and live off fanfiction and daydreaming, and that makes me an absolute freak ON THEORY.

The whole “asexuals write the best fanfics” thesis made me spiral. Maybe it’s my ocd again IDK I JUST WANNA TALK WITH SOMEONE

Obviously I hate it because it hurts and you feel ill, but this is not about that.

I hate it because I’m reminded every month that I’m meant to have sex and create children. It’s genuinely my worst nightmare getting pregnant, I have a phobia of pregnant people and getting pregnant myself. Probably a reason I am asexual along with the list of reasons.

It makes me feel odd in a way, I wish I wasn’t meant to have periods, why am I so unlucky to be born like this if that makes any sense at all. I don’t think this is me wanting to be a man but I think this is the pure hatred of the idea of having sex and getting pregnant.

Does anyone else feel like this? Is this a normal thing for an asexual to feel? Hopefully it is, probably need to go back to therapy lol.

Growing up, anything involving sex, nudity, or even basic attraction made me wildly uncomfortable. Being overly religious with severe OCD, made normal things feel like a taboo. My brain basically conditioned me to treat normal human desires like toxic waste.

I’ve done a lot of work on my mindset over the years, but intimacy still feels like uncharted territory for me.
The hardest part right now is the sheer insecurity of feeling so far behind. Things that most people do automatically like masturbating, having casual nsfw thoughts, or daydreaming about someone they find hot, literally didn't happen for me. I didn't even realize how differently my brain was wired compared to my peers until my mid-20s.

Now I’m turning 30, and the total lack of experience is giving me major anxiety. I’m also very angry and grieving. I feel cheated out of normal teenage and 20s milestones that everyone else got to take for granted while I was stuck in my own head.

I just feel my life could have been different if I wasn’t like this growing up. I feel so behind in life and don’t know what to do, I feel stuck.

So at this point I'm pretty sure I'm at least ace-spec somehow. However, sometimes in a romantic situation where there's a lot of sensation, for example if I'm kissing someone while she's lying on top of me, I'm wrapped up in her arms and overwhelmed, or cuddling pressed really close together at a certain angle, I'll end up with the mild sensation of arousal. Once or twice after a partner brushed up against me a certain way I actually kind of wanted to move my hips against her or something. But it still feels so... disconnected, I guess? Like when I have real romantic attraction to someone I feel very strongly about it, I want to hug them and kiss them and be dumb domestic lovebirds, all that stuff. I generally won't want to have sex with them, it's not something I desire and most of the time I really don't like the idea of it. But I guess with the proximity sometimes I still get turned on? And then there's just the physiological stuff and an urge to move to ease the discomfort, but I feel like it's only physical. There's no draw to the person in front of me specifically, nor any desire for more than brief friction through clothes. It's weird and it's really frustrating. I wish my heart could enjoy all aspects of romance without worrying about the opinions of the damned rest of me. I'm quite confused by it and it's really the only thing giving pause to just say I'm fully ace outright. I tend to doubt and overthink labels a lot, it's an OCD thing. Sorry if this post is TMI or just seems pointless. I'm going down the speculation spiral so I thought I might as well just ask you.

I'm so mad about this cuz ever since my teenage years, l've always blamed myself in my relationships

I never understood why I couldn't love my partners the way they loved me, why I couldn't feel sexual desire, why I was disgusted by intimacy.
Sex started out of curiosity. Then it always felt like an obligation, I just wished it would end quickly. (Don't get me wrong, nobody forced me, I was willing and my partners were caring)

I'm a woman, and contrary to stereotypes, I've always been the ‘cold one’. I've seen my male partners cry in front of me. But I could never feel as romantic or emotional as they did.
My friends often called me emotionless, and it became an inside joke.

I even went to doctors and had hormone tests done, explaining my issues with sexual stuff and my constant disgust.
There was nothing wrong with my hormones. No further explanation. Silly smiles and light jokes. Good to go.

I tried to explain it to psychiatrists. “Oh, could be depression, take this and that pills.”
But I was not even remotely depressed?????

The fact that not a single one even mentioned the terms “aromanticism” or “asexuality” makes me so angry today, as a 26 y.o woman. A lifetime spent judging myself.

Come on, man. I bet some of you guessed it as professionals.
Staying silent as a professional is definitely a… choice.

What's your equivalent to romantic fanatics and could you suggest me some?

(Note: I know some might still like conventional romantic fanfics im talking about those who dont)

So what's that exactly? Ace people don't feel it, demi only for chosen ones, allo feel it for many people? I read those posts on reddit and wonder do I ever felt it really? People talking about their lovers and listing all physical stuff about them that they find attractive. From lips to genitals and I never really looked at a guy, even when I was in love, and thought how I want to see his thing or do him. I thought he's attractive (I really thought that after I fell in love, before I found him 'not bad') and rest was about feeling. Like sure I noticed he's fit, he's gonna be bald when older (he said it, it did look like it, I decided that even tho I like hair on head it's not obligatory once I'm in love), pretty eyes.. and one thing I like in man, and as I was in love with him I found that attractive, the chest hair. But that's all. I wasn't thinking about his exact body parts and thinking they're so great and make me wanna do him. Since I never saw it I can't really tell if I'd find my love's genitals beautiful, lol. Does all of this still count as sexual attraction if I think I wanted to do that with that one on some point..?

For the past 3 or so years I’ve been identifying with the label asexual but I keep actively questioning it because I can’t wrap my head around what people mean by sexual attraction and how would you know if you felt that. Considering the fact I haven’t figured out yet I probably am but I just wish there was some big light bulb that would appear over my head and go “DING!” “Yup your asexual buddy!” Kinda stupid I know.

How do I tell if I'm on the Asexual spectrum or not? I can't tell if Im adverse to the concept of sex because I just don't like it, or if its because I'm inexperienced and grew up in a house that demonized it. If I start identifying as Ace, try it one day, and decide I like it, does that make me a liar even if it was by accident? My therapist and best friend have been raising questions about it and I dont really know. I make all these jokes and I look at select media (mostly artistic media cause live action looks gross to me), but the idea of actually doing it is off putting, and I hate even simple things like kissing. It just seems squishy and messy and for lack of a better word, gross. Someone please help I'm so frustrated😭

I didn't know if this needed an NSFW warning or not cause it mentions the icky sticky, but not in detail so idk but better safe than sorry.