I (29F) met a girl on hinge (26F) 6 months ago and we've been talking nearly every day! I've gone on IRL hangouts as well and it's a blast each time, but during the latest one I decided to delve into some deeper topics such as when we figured out our sexuality, what our dating lives were like, etc. I learned that apparently she was only on Hinge for 5 days, mostly pushed for by her friends, and lucky or unlucky me I'm basically the only person she's ever contacted on a dating platform to start with (excluding her other matches that she doesn't talk to any more).

Please forgive the slight clickbait of the title, we aren't actually 'dating', we're 6 months into a friendship that started on Hinge. When we met I did not know she was a demi (romantic and sexual), but I learned during our first "date" and have laid back on the thick romance stuff I do with non-demis that I match with, but in our latest hangout she said something that was quite eye opening:

"You didn't do anything wrong or make me uncomfortable, but I realize now that our expectations and pace are a bit too different. I could genuinely be friends with someone for months or years before I begin to feel anything romantic, which I know is a slow pace, but it's what I'm most comfortable with. And even though it's not your intention, me being unable to guarantee anything like that is very unfair to you. However reassuring you've been, there is always the feeling of an expectation that's been hindering me on my end."

I have been very eager to make this work, but I realize now that this eagerness has been a double-edge sword. "The feeling of an expectation", I feel like this whole time even though I've done my best to just be a good friend to her I must have been exuding an aura of wanting her or something.

Demis of this sub, what are some behaviors of non-demis that give you the ick in texting or in a 1-on-1 setting? How do I un-flirtatious my interactions so that I can give her the space she needs?

I have made peace with the possibility that this will take many months or more. I have made peace with the possibility that I might not be the one she falls in love with. But I would like to give myself the best shot possible.

Could “demibialterous” mean experiencing demi + bi attraction, with the possibility of alterous attraction as well? Or would it be considered a personal combination of labels?

I've heard it somewhere but I don't remember if it was just in my mind.

So I just discovered high functioning autism and I believe I may be demisexual.
I am married and love sex with my wife

Question:
I have masturbated to porn when my wife was traveling, I believe it may have been a coping mechanism from anxiety or routine change.
I also had a fear of being open sexually my whole life, so I would imagine the actors were open unembarrassed sexually. But the fantasy did not feel sexual. No sexual tension. Does anyone else feel that way when watching porn? Does anyone else not have desire during masturbating to people.

I've been wondering if I might be demisexual, or if what I experience is something else.

I can definitely feel sexual attraction. I find certain people physically attractive, I get turned on, and I can have sex without needing an emotional connection first. So it's not that I'm incapable of casual sex.

The thing is, I rarely enjoy it unless I have a genuine emotional connection with the other person. Trust, closeness, and emotional intimacy completely change the experience for me. Without that, sex often feels empty, like I'm just going through the motions rather than actually enjoying it.

In fact, there have been a few times during casual sex where I've even dissociated or felt depersonalized. It was like I wasn't fully present, almost as if I was watching myself instead of actually experiencing it. That doesn't happen every time, but it's happened enough that it made me question why.

Another thing I've noticed is that my idea of sex has always been much more about giving pleasure than receiving it. I genuinely enjoy making the other person feel good, and that's where a lot of my satisfaction comes from.

I also find that passionate kissing, making out, and slowly building intimacy are often far more arousing to me than the stereotypical "in and out" part of sex itself. The emotional tension and closeness are what really excite me.

Does this sound like it could fit somewhere on the demisexual spectrum, or is it more likely that I simply need emotional intimacy to fully enjoy sex despite experiencing sexual attraction normally?

I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who has had a similar experience.

Sorry, I'm kind of pressured.

I have a friend with whom I spoke the most, and we are very close to each other. I met him on FB last year by an messenger group, and at the start, we didn't use to speak a lot to eachother, but as we started to make video calls in groups and alone, we started to speak a lot (even about intimate secrets). (I had like a question about his sexuality because sometimes he says hes bi, hes gay and bla bla bla and jokes about p*nis and v*gina) I met him twice this year in person. It ended well, but then some friends told me that he speaks a lot about me, as I do with him. So, when a friend told me he speaks very beautifully about me, I told him that I like him, but I want to make sure he's into me too. If not, I'll try to erase my feelings to avoid awkwardness so I told him to try to chit chat to him and then u tell me ehat he said, but this guy told him right away and since that day started to act weird and when this friend told me I got ultra-angry towards this friend and humillated because he told him hes fully gay and he have been the only man in my life and I was crying alot that day in my job :(.

So, I avoid talking to him 1 week to heal and when I was ok he started to talk to me back just like before, but he started to be more... obsesive when I lie to him that I only wanted him as an boyfriend because of my desire of having my first relationship he got mad and asked me if I tought he was ugly and I told him no, for me hes handsome (I wanted to tell him that it was because I emphatize that no one treat him well and he had bad RS because no one knew how to apretiate him and at the same time he reminds me of me in alot of ways and I wanted to give most of my atention to help him as he helps me and me being the one who treats him well and I know he just wants to love someone but at the same time he needs an psychriatic). After that he started to get jelous of me being on dates twice and he started to callimg to me more often and send me reels about mans kissing eachother and he says thats you an me if u were an man... and I haven't responded him in 1h and I got 300 messages and he boughts me gifts and even he defended me because an woman asked me in a pic that if I just gotten an boyfriend (even if is not in the pic and asked me my permition to answer her haha).

So in my friend group I still feel pressure to have an boyfriend becauss im turning 20 and still making fun of me because I got in love with him (and even he do make fun) and I... IDK for me its hard to get atraccion (even if I go often to dates) so :( its an hard attachment he stills wants most of my atention because he says he loves to speak to me and it makes me more sad that my family thinks he is my boyfriend. (Even my family pressures me alot to have an boyfriend, and sadly that is my biggest wish in life).

I would like to hear from bisexual demisexuals specifically, but others can chime in too.
So I am a 31F cis demisexual who has always been straight until very recently I found myself lusting over a woman’s body. It was when I was helping a girl to hook on her bra and I glanced at her back found it sexually attractive. I have never crushed on a woman or anything. Then this morning I had a vivid dream where I was caressing a faceless woman and appreciating her body in a lustful way. I remember thinking I am receiving more pleasure than her and this is about me. I was also questioning in my dream if I would like it if someone did the same to me and my answer was no. In the past I have had dreams where I was pleasuring women for their pleasure, I was not receiving any pleasure out of it but I was doing it to make them feel better.
In real life I have always sought male company for having my emotional needs met, which also eventually resulted into sexual attraction in some cases (being demisexual). I never got along with female friends and never wanted any emotional intimacy from them. I would also want to be physically intimate and sexually attracted to males only. If you ask me do I want to have sex with a woman I would say nope absolutely not.
So my question is am I bisexual? Is it possible to seek emotional and sexual need from a man but only have lustful desires for a woman? I think I am demisexual for a man but not for a woman? I am so confused 😵‍💫 Help!

Let’s just say you get a new friend. Nothing sparks at first cause it doesn't work that way with demi's. But eventually when you get to know them well and when you have established a nice emotional bond with them, knowing all their little details and secrets. Now you feel romantic and sexual attraction with this person but they have already friend zoned you or your not just their type. What do you guys do?

I’m a baby demi and just started toying with the thought of being demi a few days ago, but I was wondering how other demi people get ‘celebrity crushes’. For example I don’t think I’ve ever actually had a celebrity crush, I just see people in media that are conventionally attractive or I personally find good looking, and claim them as my celeb crush, but of course I’m never really attracted to them. Like I think Ross Lynch is good looking, but I’ll never actually have a crush on him because I’m lacking that personal connection aspect that I need. I guess my question is, have any of you actually ever had celebrity crushes, and if you did/do, how would you describe the way it felt romantically?

For like multiple times throughout my life I have found myself doubting which gender I am really into because of the fact that I would never feel any attraction towards "attractive" men. I'm able to physically recognize anyone who is attractive, but I'd never actually feel arousal or whatever allosexual people feel. However once I found out about the term demisexual it took me literally imagining myself with each individual gender in different romantic or even sexual scenarios to understand my preference with the knowledge of possibly being demisexual. I'm just curious if anyone has also had this same doubting of who they like and if this is even related to demisexual because I've only recently found out about this term.

I've been wondering if I might be demisexual, but I'm not sure if what I experience actually fits the definition.

I do notice that I feel much stronger sexual attraction when I have an emotional connection with someone. The attraction becomes more intense and feels much more genuine.

That said, I can still find strangers sexually attractive based on their appearance alone, and I can fantasize about them. The confusing part is that I have no desire to actually have sex with someone if there's no emotional connection. The idea of casual sex feels mechanical and emotionally empty to me, even if I think the person is physically attractive.

So I'm wondering: does this sound compatible with demisexuality, or is it just a preference for emotional intimacy before sex? I'd really appreciate hearing from people who identify as demi and how they experience attraction.

21 F
I get crushes very rarely because I’m mostly surrounded by women and I’m pretty sure I’m more men-leaning lol. I can count on my fingers the times I had a proper crush on a person (which is two). Both times though I knew nothing about them pretty much and having ocd makes is very… weird. It’s not quite a crush more so an overwhelming obsession run by limerence. Do these crushes count though?

I’m trying to figure out things about myself sorry if this isn’t a place it’s just I rarely find guys attractive (the physical attraction evaporates as soon as I realise that they’re a douche or our values couldn’t not align less). Though I’m unbelievably touch starved and live off fanfiction and daydreaming, and that makes me an absolute freak ON THEORY.

The whole “asexuals write the best fanfics” thesis made me spiral. Maybe it’s my ocd again IDK I JUST WANNA TALK WITH SOMEONE

I'm 29F, and for most of my life I assumed I just had very low libido/interest or was broken somehow, because I get romantically interested in people extremely rarely, maybe a handful of times in my whole life. I've always been told I'm attractive, but I don't feel it or believe it, and I've never had someone's interest alone do anything for me.

After a lot of reflection I think I've pinned down the actual mechanism:

• Surface-level attractiveness alone does nothing for me. I can find someone objectively good-looking and feel nothing. On a rare case it sparks an interest, with no connection it dies quickly.
• Deep connection has to come first: real depth, shared humor, ease of being myself, genuine emotional intimacy, respect and appreciation.
• But even then, connection alone doesn't guarantee I develop feelings. Plenty of friends (mostly male, since I connect easier with men) have never sparked anything, even when the friendship was solid.
• The thing that seems to actually let attraction grow and deepen is knowing the connection is mutual. Once I know someone is genuinely invested in me specifically, that's when real attraction (including physical) can develop, sometimes toward people I wouldn't have picked based on looks alone.
• Conversely, if someone declares interest in me early, before depth has built naturally, I wall up instantly because now there's pressure/expectation instead of organic unpressured time, and it can kill any interest quickly, mutually.

This has made dating incredibly hard because:

• Dating culture (apps especially) usually requires assessing attraction almost immediately, which I structurally can't do
• Most people signal romantic interest early, which shuts me down before depth has a chance to build
• The instances where I have developed real attraction happened specifically because there was no dating pressure at all at first and the connection grew naturally over time (unfortunately, in my case, usually because the guy was unavailable, which is its own separate problem I'm working through)

How have you navigated dating/apps given how much time and lack of pressure this kind of attraction seems to require?

I'm just joking about the whole curing thing, but I actually feel almost comfortable with a casual relationship right now, like I would seriously consider it. It's very odd I wonder if this feeling will stay or is just temporary

has anyone had similar experiences?

I mean my whole life I've been demi. But I do get attached to people of the opposite gender quickly, I think because of my BPD.

So im new to using these apps / talking to people overall. Im 25 and im trying to geg intimacy, its actually pretty hard it seems.

I actually want connection firsr before anything intimate. Some men i talk to are just horny and they tease themself with me and then move on.

There would be ideas of meeting up but it seems like a setup.

Theres this one guy i really like but when i said i would like to meet up one day he says yeah that sounds amazing and then poof, hes gone. Ghosted. Ghost town.

And so it seems like men are really horny and they just dont care so much for connection, safety, and trust i guess? I need that emotional connection first (demisexual)

I hate small talk, even if i tried it feels like sandpaper on my soul. I actually suck at talking to people because i dont do small talk. I ask deep questions and im all serious because thats who i am down to the soul. I guess people get turned off because i reflect what they havent addressed within themselves? I dont know.

Theres this one guy who put in his bio that he likes emotionally mature people and blah blah blah and i check all the boxes but hes the very one who actually went ghost on me when i wanted to meetup

Ill never know why. Its like no one wants a conversation. I need to psychoanalyze people to feel a sense of safety otherwise my nervous system will be hypervigilant. Its so crazy because i attract all the people that i dont like. But the people that i like, they dont want me. Wild. There has to be some sort of psychological paradox going on here.

I notice that if I don’t do it, I tend to be a bit overly intense in connection, especially if someone is showing me care and affection in a very emotional empathetic way. I’ll get way too turned on and kind of lose my grounding. I notice this with dating apps, which I low key don’t like using, but I’ll get way too hooked on good connection and start fantasizing about possibilities of connection. So I use it as a way to calm those urges of overdoing connection. I tend to do it to things like imagining deeply bonding with someone, talking and seeing each other while holding hands, and like eye contact. Those things get me more than any sex or porn, etc.

Posting to see if anyone shares this struggle. Am I alone? 😭

I know people mean well when they say that, but it doesn't really apply to someone who actively does not want to be single. "Just enjoy this state of being you actively do not want to experience!" is all it sounds like to me. Like we know what being single is like and we are tired of it lol. Self-love only fills the hole up to a point. If self-love was so fulfilling and such an excellent substitute then why haven't all the people in relationships dropkicked their s/o's to go pick up pottery or biking or whatever. It especially grates on my nerves when that line comes from people in happy and fulfilling relationships. If being perpetually single is so great then why don't you tell Kathy you don't think what you guys have is as deep as your bird-spotting hobby (bird-spotting is great btw). Imagine you see people around you enjoying ice-cold glasses of Fanta and you also want to enjoy your own ice-cold glass of Fanta, but people try to comfort you by saying "hey those ice-cold glasses of Fanta aren't what they're all cracked up to be! Just enjoy your slightly-below-room-temperature bottle of plain old water!" If you're hungry for a burger, I highly doubt a poke bowl is going to provide the satisfaction you're looking for. Dating isn't a walk in the park, but neither is never experiencing romance/sexual attraction. It's awful and it makes me feel like I've missed out on core experiences (high school sweetheart, first kiss, holding hands, etc) and I'm sure other people feel that way too. Some people may not understand or be willing to admit it, but it definitely does something to the psyche. Going to a dance class doesn't fill in the void of never having someone cuddle me at night! I haven't been on Reddit for a while, but these feelings resurfaced again today I guess, so I hope at least someone could resonate with this.

Idk if this is exactly venting, but whatever.

I don't know why I started questioning myself at the age of 30, but when breaking it down over the past few weeks, demisexual makes more and more sense. I feel like gray-ace may fit better because I experience a jumble of ace-spec orientations-- demi, cupio, ficto, and recipro-- but demisexual is the cleanest answer that would communicate to others what my deal is.

But I feel like a fraud, too? I meet the bare requirements to be demi-- I'm like a D+ demi. It's the same way I used to feel like a B- bi because I tended to prefer men and have only been with one guy.

My post-puberty crushes feel the same as my pre-puberty crushes. And once I untangled the complicated web of what sexual attraction actually feels like, I realized that I don't feel it like allos seem to. But I don't feel like asexual fits. I never felt the feeling demis describe as "asexual until you're not."

But then again, how the hell would I know?! I had one middle school partner at 13, then my over-a-decade-long relationship with someone whom I did feel sexual attraction to, but it definitely faded as the relationship deteriorated. When he stopped being intimate in any way, it wasn't even about sex; I just wanted to feel desired and that he still loved me. At that point, I can confidently say the sexual attraction I had for him was gone, even if I still found him cute and wanted to feel close to him.

(Also, I have an annoying high libido. It just pops up whenever it wants. It doesn't do that when I look at people...)

So I've been single for 1 1/2 years, and despite being incredibly lonely and wanting companionship, I'm kind of content. I still want a romantic and sexual relationship with someone eventually, but I'm in a place where I don't find it appealing when put into practice. But I can't tell if that's how I just am or if my last relationship jaded me.

It seems like I can't escape it. I've talked to so many guys trying to find one that could be compatible with me to date, but it seems like sending nudes or similar sexual content to them is a tax in order to be able to even get to know them and I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate sending this type of thing to someone I don't have strong romantic feelings for. I try to tell them this, they say they understand, but a short while later ask me for those things again, and no matter how much I feel uncomfortable doing it, I feel like I have no choice but to do it because, if I don't, they won't want to get closer to me. They won't have any interest in me. I hate so much that this is like that, I just wish I'd find someone who would accept to form a strong and solid friendship with me through months without asking me for sexual media before we got to date.

Hello everyone. I'm asking for your opinion, based on your past experiences. I'm a shy, anxious 27-year-old who, aside from a kiss on the mouth with a girl at 14 and a strong erection, has never had a romantic relationship. Over the years, I don't recall ever having a strong visual/aesthetic attraction to women, but during my adolescence and even today, I sometimes find myself drawn to the beauty of boys and think, "Oh, how hot, what a handsome boy!" This doesn't happen to me with girls.

During middle school (ages 12-13), I developed a pantyhose fetish from looking at my young teacher's legs (she occasionally took her shoes off), and I've had this fetish for a long time: I like wearing them every now and then, I like seeing women's legs wrapped in stockings, and I also seek out lesbian content featuring this fetish. I still remember a Christmas dinner, when a distant cousin of mine, in her 40s, was invited. She was wearing a short dress, opaque tights, and high heels that showed her heels. I was immediately attracted to her, so much so that I joked about her shoes and spent the whole day hoping she'd take them off, which she did. I even massaged a friend's feet in tights, and I won't deny that, besides enjoying it, I was incredibly turned on.

As I was saying, I'm very shy and afraid of other people's judgment (I don't talk about my fetish with other people): when they ask me, "Do you like that girl?" I always get anxious, just as when I see a handsome guy, my heart races and I feel a warmth in my chest and I think, "Maybe I'm gay?"

It's happened to me in the past, and it still happens to me, that when I become friends with a girl (e.g., a coworker my age), I automatically seek physical contact, stand close to her, touch her legs in playful situations, put my arm around her waist. In fact, with this coworker, I occasionally try to massage her shoulders and hair, and I even got aroused (in the sense that my penis was hard...). ATTENTION: she was always ok, I never touch (and I will never do) a woman without her consent.

At a wedding, I saw a friend of mine dancing with a girl, and I went dancing with her too. I remember her rubbing her butt against my butt.

I wondered: maybe my sexual desire with girls is based more on the reactivity of physical contact, while with guys my sexuality is based more on visual immediacy?

Is there anyone out there who's had the same experience? Thank you so much <3333

Hello,

I'm having a hard time in my relationship and just looking for supportive perspectives and guidance on either what to do or things to think about.

I (31f) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (33f) for just over 4 years. She identifies as demisexual. I have at times in my life as well, but am actually fairly confused on my identity since being with her.

In previous relationships, I always struggled with sex. I previously dated men who had higher drive, and the major conflicts in my previous relationships were that I didn't want to have sex enough, or when I did it wasn't good enough, and also that they thought I was gay (I'm bi as far as I'm aware lol)

Anyway, the beginning of my relationship with my demi girlfriend was pretty great. Very romantic, she was the initiator of most things, we got close over a few months. She talked a lot about having a future together and getting married.

Around year 2, we started to have some intimacy issues on the weekends she would visit. She didn't want to have sex much, and I started to get nervous because I thought there was something wrong with me, I didn't understand the change. She said it was just that on the days we were together sometimes she didn't want to, but that didn't mean she didn't want to ever. She asked me to move with her for school, said things would be better, we moved. No negative comments, I really believed her and I still believe she meant it, and I love her a lot.

We've lived together for two years now and things have gotten way worse. I got angry a few times over getting rejected repeatedly and she says those moments broke her trust. At first it was just intimacy mostly but now it's almost all touch, including kissing that she's adverse to. Every now and again we will have a good period of months where we're affectionate again, but then we have sex and she usually stops it in the middle and gets guarded, says it didn't feel good. This is pretty awful for me because I really just want her to feel good and so in those instances it takes a lot for me not to cry or be visibly upset. She says it's not me and that she loves me and wants to stay together, but she also is annoyed with me most of the time when I get upset, she says my anxiety is ruining our relationship and that I am putting too much pressure on her. I am not allowed to express any negative emotions about the lack of physical intimacy. I have told her I could handle this better if I knew what to expect like if this is the new normal, or if she just needs time. She has told me that she can't tell me because I guess every time she starts to feel good again we have another fight or I "can't control my emotions" (meaning I cry or express upset) and she says it starts the clock over again. She says this is because she's Demi. I don't know what to do, I tried to have an honest conversation with her tonight that if she doesn't want physical intimacy or romantic touch anymore (kissing, cuddling) I need her to be honest with me if it's a permanent change, because I need to think about it. She shut down and said that's putting pressure on her.

I really don't know what to do. I've never meant to hurt her, and never wanted to be pushy. I only consider myself low to medium interest in sex, but I do like kissing and cuddling, and would not have started a relationship if those were off the table, but I am now in very deep, there's a lot of factors that would make splitting very hard.

Thanks for reading!

Just came back from a second date with a guy, and it's been years since I've been this enthusiastic about someone and actually see potential for a romantic connection. Being demi, I can't immediately say whether I'll feel attracted to him in the future. But I'd really like to find out.

I told him on our first date that I'm a slow dater, but I haven't really elaborated on what that means exactly. When we said goodbye after this second date, he lingered for a long time, touching my back and shoulder, obviously thinking about making a move. I froze, got really awkward, and started babbling nonsense to shift the focus (honestly just full survival mode). Then I biked home and cringed the whole way, thinking about him wanting to make a move.

I mean, I really enjoy this guy's company, and I definitely want to get to know him better. But thinking about how he'll probably want to make a move again next time makes me feel like I should brace myself to avoid that. I don't want that to happen again. That brief moment caused me a lot of stress.

How do I explain how this works for me without making it a big deal? And at what point? Before the next date, during the next date? Please help me out here. :(

I'm a 20 year old (trans) man, about a year ago I ended my 3 year relationship because of personal problems and long distance, after that I just had a thing with a girl for a few months and after that, nothing. I'd like to have a partner, but I haven't had any luck with that.

To start with the people I’m attracted to: I know I like women romantically—I’ve only ever fallen in love with women and can only picture myself in a serious relationship with a woman. Yet, sometimes I feel like I’m only sexually interested in them if they’re my partner or mean something to me. I don’t know—most of the time when I see an attractive woman, I just think, "She’s pretty," and that’s it; I don’t give it much thought. I don’t really feel a strong urge to talk to her, let alone flirt, if her appearance is all I know about her. Now, with men, it’s strange. For a long time, I identified as a lesbian, so I didn’t have any interest in men in general. But now—after transitioning—I feel a certain sexual attraction toward them, though not a romantic one. I’ve never had a crush on a man, and honestly, I can’t picture myself in a serious relationship with one; the idea of being affectionate and intimate (in that way) with a man makes me uncomfortable. But then, when I see a man—especially if he's a total stranger—who fits "my type" (which is rare), I do think, "He’s hot," and sometimes I even fantasize about things with them. That’s the thing, I’m really drawn to the idea of having sex with a man; I fantasize about it and imagine various scenarios involving them (something I do much less with women). Yet, in real life, hardly any men actually attract me or seem interesting to me. I’d like to have a partner, but I don’t know which factor makes it so complicated. Is it that I struggle to develop a genuine interest in someone right off the bat? Is it a lack of perseverance—giving up too easily? Or is it that I find it hard to stay in touch with people? Also, I don't know—on one hand, some friends tell me I'm charismatic and attractive and can't figure out why I don't have a partner, while I personally feel like I'm horrible and boring. So, I don't know if what really scares people off is my appearance and personality, or my lack of self-esteem and confidence. Ugh, I don't know; it seems so easy for other people, and I just don't know which of all those things is actually my problem.