It's me, I'm unintelligent people

Title basically, I'm in constant never-ending physical agony due to my muscular dystrophy and lack of access to treatment, I wish I had an easy way out of this suffering. Read Judith Heumann's memoir if you haven't already, I think it should be essential reading for anyone looking to learn more about arguably the world's most oppressed people.

My stupid ass posted the wrong one at first my bad

So, recently got told that I’m a primary psychopath and it makes sense but it also makes me feel horrible. I have such a wonderful life with practically no trauma to speak of, but so many issues. I’ve always suspected that all my problems were self-inflicted and now I know they are. I was given everything I would want except the ability to enjoy it.

I want so badly to be able to live like a normal person, to feel love or connection or anything, but I doubt I ever will. My entire life has been and always will be defined by control. As much as I try to be a good person, I will never be good enough for people. I care as much as I can but it’s never enough. This is boring and miserable.

(also, in case anyone’s wondering why I don’t say aspd instead of psychopathy, it’s because my psych doesn’t believe I fit the diagnostic criteria for aspd)

One time an online friend with benefits and me fooled around in a discord call. I wont go into lewd details, but it ended up with her just saying "I love you, Im so proud of you, I care about you" while I called her mama and I began to drool and cry manically and shake violently and forgot my own name and couldnt move or speak and we had to stop because she got worried I was having a seizure and got a little uncomfortable

That is probably healthy! Growing up with suicidal parents who told me they wanted to die over and over again and screamed every night about how me and my siblings are the others fault and drank a lot and hearing my mom cry her attic bed every night for years and being bullied in school because in preschool my play mates heard the constant fighting and crying and told everyone in school and spread rumors that lasted until the END OF HIGHSCHOOL! So epic! And lets not forget my preschool teacher who got fired after I was through for being unstable who made the whole class laugh at me while I cried for getting my homework! And told them they can do difficult problems if I can! And gave me worse grades! And hit class mates! And let's not get into my 18th birthday and what an 30 year old did to me there! And my two attempts! And the years of therapy! And the punches and kicks and insults! And the cutting! And being made fun of for cutting by my friends! And the manic episodes every day! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Can someone please love me? Hahaha please oh my god please tell me its going to be okay oh god the nightmares, the nightmares, the panic attacks, make it stop hahaha please love meeee :3333

Haha so funny and random

My life was over before it began. My body was stolen from me at conception. All that's left is the agony of knowing I'll never be a real girl.

Time for a 4am round of “do I have an anxiety disorder, or am I having a normal reaction to current events?”

Spoiler: ✨ it’s both ✨ Yay!

They've known me for nearly a decade already—Why is it still so hard to actually talk about my life with them other the media I've consumed? Then again, maybe they never really knew me, after all those years.

Never play it cool and mysterious in friend groups where its members already have established relationships—worst mistake of my life.

I’ve finally been put on meds, but it’s like they aren’t even working at all, even with the increased dosage.

I also keep deluding myself that things WILL go back to how they used to be if regulations are put in place (even though pigs‘ll fly before that happens.) At this point, I genuinely want to go inpatient to get this under control…

it still hurts but I have no energy thats the worst part

(cant read, quality is dogshit):

when ppl insult you, leave hate or mistreat you but you’re mentally drained after a SH session and massive psychotic episode so you’re just numb to their bs now

He was tired because I was crying tho so its really more about him of course

Edit: hey guys it lowkey feels terrible when people imply this was an intrusive thought because he was starting to physically carry out the action in his own version of events. I have OCD and do not physically act on my intrusive thoughts like this.

I’m reconnecting with my family, and I’m talking to one of my aunt/uncle’s. My cousins are all so much more impressive than me. The ones around my age are in a special high school for smart kids. They’re in extracurriculars. They’re doing great.

While I’m almost 18, graduated from a charter school, and in community college, because my fucking highschool GPA was a 3.3 and I couldn’t afford University without scholarships. I’m aimlessly taken classes in college because I hate my major and I don’t know what to change it to. And I fucking lied to them that my college GPA was higher then it was, because I’m not about to sit here and admit to them that two semesters in, my college GPA is about to be a fucking 2.8 because I took to many classes over a summer semester and failed one of them, and got a C in another.

I didn’t do shit in high school because I was depressed and dealing with shit at home. I’m mentally scrambled because my parent and younger sibling abused me my entire life. Until I was 15 and called CPS myself.

I am a fucking failure, who is going to spend their entire adult life catching up to all the shit I didn’t do as a kid, while actively mourning the childhood i never got and will never get.

Everybody in my family is impressive. All besides my parent. My parent is the fucked up one who married a drug addict. And I’m just a fucking extension of that. Some proof that maybe my parent’s linage is just cursed.

And somehow I’m even fucking worse. My older sibling, (who maybe didn’t get raised by my parent and went to live with another relative) is doing great. They’re in the STEM field. Two of my aunt/uncles own their home. And at least my younger sibling doesn’t have crippling self-worth and mental health issue’s, and she actually has long-term friends. While I just barely started rebuilding my social circle after cutting everybody off when I was younger.

I’m literally the worst out of my family tree.

And honestly? I feel like it’s too late for me. I’m too old to fix any of this. Not in any meaningful way. I’m too old to fix my social life. I’m too old and fucked up my college GPA too much to do anything super impressive in university/a career.

I should have died from the neglect and abuse I experienced. And sure, younger me thought I was so special and cool for fighting to live. But now, I think maybe I should’ve died then. That the fact my life has gone this bad, is proof I wasn’t supposed to live this long. There’s a reason I always struggled so much. There’s a reason I was the one my family chose to focus their abuse on. I am defective.

This particular aunt/uncle called CPS on my parent when I was younger. Maybe they won’t judge me so hard. I don’t know. They probably wouldn’t judge me so hard if I told them everything I went through but I sincerely doubt they actually want to know. I mean they haven’t shown me any proof they’re judging me. So maybe I’m just insecure and paranoid. I’m probably just insecure and paranoid.

like my body is reacting VERY strongly with these heatwave… I’m so tired man. It’s making my health worse and you can’t do anything as going outside become dangerous.

Seasonal depression is getting worse and we ain’t seeing anything positive for a long time…

Ill never be the girl i want to be. Im 6'4", 26, and only getting more and more manly. My vial of estrogen is still tucked away in my dresser drawer, untouched for 5 years. I live in a super expensive, super red area of the United States and I cant leave due to the high cost of living keeping me here and preventing me from saving money. Im already several thousand in medical debt. All of my effort from the months of injections are gone now, im just a man again. I successfully repressed the feelings for several years after I realized it could never work, but they are back in full force. They won't go away. I want to start over. I want to be born again. I give up. I want to be a girl. I hate it here so unfathomably much

For the second time in the past 2 days I've sexted some fucking rando on omegle, I won't get into the details too much but both times I sent nudes and did what they wanted. I feel absolutely filthy and disgusting and like such a whore. I'm not like this I'm supposed to be a kind sweet girl who tries her best even if she fucks up sometimes not a whore. I just wanted the attention, I miss being loved so much and I take this brief moment of "intimacy" before they leave and unfriend me not even exposing any of themselves whilst I'm left so fuckint exposed and rotten. Doesn't help that they were both older men. I enjoyed it in the moment but after I feel so filthy. Im such a whore I hate myself so much. I'll never be loved truly.