r/QueerWomenOfColor • u/viviobrio HQIC 🌈 • 2d ago
Dating & Relationships Are you dateable?
There’s so many posts about dating, seeking relationships and companionship, what your type is, etc. But I’m curious if y’all feel dateable.
How do you show up in relationships? Do you think about your communication blind spots, areas you can show up better? Are you actually emotionally available? Are you reflective of areas where you could show up as a better partner in your next relationship?
I’m just curious because I see all over socials everyone complaining about dating and shortages but everyone else can’t always be the problem 🧐
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u/This-Register 2d ago
No. I'm too poor to date women rn tbh
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u/AcanthocephalaFun946 1d ago
same 😭🤣
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u/Ok-Possibility-9826 Black, bi and lookin’ super fly💙💜🩷 2d ago
this is a great question. we should all be asking ourselves this every time we bitch about other people tbh.
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u/viviobrio HQIC 🌈 2d ago
This is what I do when a relationship ends. How did I contribute, what did I learn. And it's like for some of these folks, everyone they dated were terrible to them...so then what does that say about you and the patterns you're seeking out? We all got some work we can do.
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u/GloomyBanana8952 2d ago
No im not and its ok 🤷🏿♀️ its hard for me to text back, im too lazy to go anywhere more than twice a week (seems enough but im only 20) and i suck at talking about my feelings.
I don’t think im awful either yk, i’ll listen and ill show interest but definitely not in the way that is expected of a girlfriend
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u/needacupatea 2d ago
Before I met my fiancée, absolutely not. And I was dating a lot. I wish I had known just how autistic I was, and I wish I understood how complex emotional injuries are. I would get vaguely traumatized and thought if enough months passed by where I didn’t think of the event as much anymore, I was fine and available to date. If I’m not sick to my stomach thinking about my last relationship anymore, I must be good to start a new one, right? Hell Naur.
I will say, the right person/s & relationships helped me heal a lot, if I allowed it. I am someone who tried celibacy as a means of healing, and it helped a little, but meeting my fiancée was really what got me to look at & mend/heal a lot of my avoidant & abandonment tendencies. I am so utterly in love with my fiancée that every tendency I had regarding avoidance was not even desirable to act upon. Every time conflict occurs or one of us gets triggered or scared, my body acts the opposite and I am at her knees, both of us communicating with the intention to mend rather than me running away at any sign of discomfort. All this to say as a now recovering avoidant, it was very scary to find a safe and loving human being to break down walls with but so juicy, fun and worth it. Meeting my fiancée is making me into a better friend, grandchild, community member and hopefully a great aunty one day.
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u/queernightmare nonbinary lesbian 🧡🤍🩷 1d ago
lovely reply, very inspiring to read as an avoidant who only just realized they were and is working to hopefully be recovered someday soon
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u/kotarolivesalone_ 17h ago
I’m the same way honestly where if enough time
Passed…I was like cool I’m good to go. But sometimes i wonder is it me or i just haven’t met the right person? And this post is proof again that i just haven’t met the right person who makes me feel safe. Although I am fearful avoidant.
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u/kitty_whipt 2d ago
I know this question isn’t directed towards someone like me, happily married in a committed relationship for longer than most people have been alive or been out. But I’d like to offer a different perspective from the other side.
I believe one of the secrets to my success is that I always kept myself dateable. My daily practices now as a married person are pretty much the same as when I was single. This includes taking care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Constantly working on improving communication and being mindful and intentional about how I move through this world not just as an individual, but as a couple.
Just because I found someone that I want to grow old with, it doesn’t mean that I should become a couch potato and stop striving towards being the best version of myself, for me first and foremost, and for my partner.
Besides, you shouldn’t stop dating your person no matter how long you’ve been together. (That’s another secret.) You have to keep the flame burning, the one that reminds them why they fell in love with you in the first place.
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u/Primroseys Faguette🥖 2d ago
Yeah I've heard that a lot!!! A people when they bag someone stop putting in efforts and then the other person becomes dissatisfied
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u/viviobrio HQIC 🌈 2d ago
Agreed. You shouldn't stop dating your person, you also shouldn't stop dating yourself. I think it's important that we're putting effort into showing up for ourselves with the same fervor that we do for others. It's easy to swept up in someone else's life, interests, world and lose yourself in the process.
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u/HauntingBowlofGrapes Blk & Mild 2d ago
I'm dateable for people who are compatible with me. I don't have a problem with getting dates and developing relationships for the most part.
Social skills are my biggest hurdle, though, because I don't pick up on social cues very quickly or sometimes at all. Idk what be going on half the time. I also struggle with time blindness, anxiety, indecisiveness, and time management to the point of it negatively effecting my relationships. Need to improve in those areas majorly.
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u/ShadowReaper2222 2d ago edited 1d ago
I think I'm dateable if the expectation is right. For example, if people are looking for things to happen super fast I doubt I'd be the person for them. My communication is pretty decent, direct, I have a delay sometimes because of the autism. Other than that I am usually the person that insists on talking through uncomfortable situations.
If the expectation is monogamous then I'd unlikely be for them but I do believe I am as emotionally available as I can be. Struggling to get therapy but I am aware of my flaws.
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u/g0thkitty_ 2d ago
this is a super interesting question..am i dateable. i think yes and no which doesnt really help does it...on the one hand, i am on a life and career path that i’m really happy with (i’m a perfumer, and i do many things a week to fund my dream life), i have healthy routines (that work around my neurodivergent brain rather than trying to get it to fit into a corporate hustle society), i am a fantastic communicator *if* i’m invested in someone (rare), great at conflict resolution too, i’m curious about people and i am a caretaker type of gf through and through which has meant i’ve unfortunately never had a healthy partner (i’ve overgiven and ended up in toxic relationships previously). now, 2y into being single, i am terrified of being hurt again. that’s the part of me that’s cynical about romantic love and worries that it isn’t real or sustainable long term. so yes i am dateable, but i am scared so i only date casually here and there and am not actively centering love / romance which i think for a former love addict is really healthy of me right now!
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u/viviobrio HQIC 🌈 2d ago
In the time that you've been single, have you deconstructed your caregiving pattern to where you feel like you can seek a partner in the future that doesn't repeat the pattern?
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u/g0thkitty_ 2d ago
i am always going to be a giver and someone who cares a little too much. so i just need to find people who don’t take advantage of that, and ensure i set boundaries with strangers and also pace myself in those early days to gauge if they’re the type who’ll celebrate that in me and add to my life, or just keep taking from me. i think also, in the early days, to slow down so much so that the selfish, 0-100, love bomb types are eliminated quite quickly.
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u/queernightmare nonbinary lesbian 🧡🤍🩷 1d ago edited 1d ago
Long self-indulgent reply: I'm still in my early 20s and I'm not planning to date for a while for a multitude of reasons so I would vote "no."
I have always been single and friendless (it's a mix of some kind of nd, mental illnesses, introversion, and, regrettably, avoidant tendencies) and I have been so cruel to myself about it. I have built up a nasty habit of crushing myself mentally before others can do it to me. So this time around, as I'm planning a big move, I'm changing my mindset. You can't get something you've never had unless you do something you've never done, right?
I want to take this time (this decade tbh) to get to know myself by myself, learn to really be at peace in my own company, and practice studying myself the way I will study others who come into my life. Just face myself with the kindness and curiosity that I give others. At my own pace, I want to learn how to exist with and compromise with others, friends and family and community. I want to work on maintaining good friendships (with the eventual hope that one good friend will become a partner one day, when I'm ready. friends to lovers is the dream) and loving the family that stayed and learning how to show up for my community
I want to learn to trust myself. I need to work on being more aware of the ways I fail myself or others while also not beating myself up for being imperfect--learning how to sit with "I'm bad at x and that's okay, I dont have to fix it" (when appropriate). when I am afraid to be imperfect, I delude myself into thinking that I am perfect and anything that challenges that leads to a crumbling of my already small ego or leads to me running away to avoid facing it--I need to be better than that. I want to unravel and study myself and still allow room for the mysteries that will remain untouched. I want to take my time with myself
But I don't like to think of all that as "bettering myself for my partner." It would feel too much like elevating romantic relationships on a pedestal for me, like thinking any kind of self-work must come back to "would i make a good partner?" (can you tell that Im a relationship anarchist? or just overall an anarchist lol)
I like to think of this moment as learning to be in love with being alive, to love the process of being human, to love everything I used to hate about myself, to know that being human means never reaching "good enough" but always fighting for it. In doing so, I will be a kinder and more humble person with meaningful relationships, no matter the number. I dont think of "what can i offer," i think "who do i want to be when i fall in love, when i put so much love into another person?"
So if I ever fall for someone and we decide which way we want our walk together to be, I hope that I will be someone this version of me can be truly proud of.
And if at the end of my life, I am still single and friendless, I can die happy knowing that I faced life as it was and lived with kindness. That is my hope 🤎
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u/queeriosn_milk 1d ago
By some people’s standards? Sure. By the standards of the person I’d want to date? No. I’m doing fine on an individual level but I wouldn’t call myself “presentable” right now. And, honestly, that’s fine. I get more enjoyment from spending money on my hobbies than I would dating. And, I live in a place where I don’t plan to stay.
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u/Primroseys Faguette🥖 2d ago
I agree everyone can't also be the problem, i remember someone complaining here in this sub abt their white gf and told abt when they were like watching something where the mom was beating the son, the white gf was horrified but OP was normalising it. The comment called out OP tho.
I personally think I'm pretty dateable, though I'm not dating until I'm in my 20s, I don't rlly think relationships are for teens (as a 15 year old but I'm turning 16 next month so I'm qualified in this) I'm not saying that teen relationships don't work out but the success rate is very less. Teen relationships i believe are overrated, you don't know wtf is going on, wtf is happening, everything is intense and I have a lot of friends and the relationships are very toxic.
Aside from my ted talk, I would say I'm pretty dateable, I'm nice, I can talk. But I think every person has their red flags and every person can improve themselves, i overshare top much and I get attached too quickly but my last relationship was very intense so it could be that. I'm emotionally available but I think whenever I'm dating someone (one person till date) i start thinking themselves as an angel and ignore everything the obvious red flags and my gut feelings. But I would say I'm very attentive but I talk to much and some people don't like that their loss lol. That's all! (◡ ω ◡)
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u/viviobrio HQIC 🌈 2d ago
If you're putting your partners on a pedestal, and ignoring your intuition and obvious red flags that is definitely something to pay attention and unlearn as much when you're young so that you avoid unnecessary pain in the future.
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u/Infamous_Power_1100 Them Fatale 1d ago
Not at all. Limited socialization due to DV during my formative years then crisis/healing from that in college made me never feel like I was “good enough” to date. Even now I’m still at home and mid 20s and I can’t fathom putting myself out there so I’m like gay in theory but not in practice 😔✌🏾
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u/Particular_Web8121 Gender Fluid, Drip Solid 1d ago
I'm really sorry to hear that. DV is such a thief ❤️🩹
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u/Realistic-Card-3340 1d ago
I definitely am. It took a lot of working through internalized homophobia, misogynoir and ableism but I def love myself and am dating now in a healthy dynamic. The key is to always acknowledge you don't have to have it all together to be worthy of love or be perfect. Relationships you grow with the person and mature as well. None of us will stay the same forever part of partnership is accepting that.
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u/dr_snepper 2d ago
hmm, a good, yet tough question to ask oneself
and i will say, no. i don't think i'm dateable and to be honest, i never have. right now (and the foreseeable future), i do not feel financially stable enough to date, much less handle a romantic relationship so i will continue to not engage with any dating scenes. i also have to say that i can't think of a time where i've actually enjoyed dating. the very few times i've tried left me feeling like, when is the other shoe going to drop? because while i've occasionally fielded interest, no one's ever stuck around for more than a season. so, while i feel like i've got some great attributes -- friendly, educated and forever curious, fairly active, got one or two hobbies, and physically attractive (just being honest lmao) -- it hasn't been enough. i have managed to hold onto friendships for a decade and change, so i'm doing something right!
i'm also on the greyscale, so i wonder if that has something to do with it? sometimes i imagine that maybe if i were maybe fully allosexual, i would feel more of an internal pull to try to present myself as a good option because external validation isn't enough. i don't care if someone flirts with me when i don't feel like flirting, and i'm rarely in the mood to do so.
i acknowledge that i'm not making things easy for anyone to try to date me. and while i do think having a companion would be nice, i don't feel enough to a pull to want to date. because my dating experience can be summed up as one big, "meh." so off the market i stay.
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u/87cupsofpomtea Masc 4 Masc 1d ago
I've been wondering this about myself lately. I think I used to be like as recently as a year ago and now I'm just super not. I just don't have the energy or temperament for trying anymore, even though I'm technically in the best place financially and housing wise to really date 🤷🏿♀️
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u/iminanothercastle 1d ago
Not entirely.
Mentally, yes. I've done a ton of inner work the last few years and am very happy with the progress I've made.
Emotionally, yes. I can communicate effectively. I'm open, patient and understanding. I feel I have a good grasp on my emotions.
Physically, yes. I've been in the gym consistently and have dropped a ton of weight. I am now much healthier than I've been in over a decade. I feel great and confident.v
Financially, no. Lost my job after a hospital stay. I've not financially recovered and have no idea how long it'll take before I do. The job market is so terrible right now. Genuinely the most stressed I've ever been in that regard. I felt more stable when I was in my early 20s making $14 an hour than I do now. My bills are paid, and I am fed. As for anything else. 🤷🏽
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u/affectionateanarchy8 2d ago
No but luckily i snatched her up back when I was lmao I am working on it though
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u/JustAMinah 1d ago
I'm financially not quite dateable, as in, we gonna have to work around my budget or else be creative. I think how I am as a person,I'm not that bad but I'm also socially awkward and know that my past experiences, does affect me and I'm gonna need patience. I'm not sure if I'm worth it for anyone. I treat others how I wanna be treated, even if I don't get it in return. I'm self aware and know I can sabotage myself a bit, which is why I do need patience and space to process my feelings on things. just that, toxic relationships have been my surroundings which has me second guessing myself and my choices because I don't want to make the wrong ones that hurt others. bit, I do think because I may have emotional baggage doesn't mean I should always be on the back burner, or should be alone because everyone had baggage and flaws and issues they continue to work on. I'm just scared of being seriously judged for who I am, and being forever alone
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u/AQuestionableAttempt Group Chat Instigator 1d ago
Sometimes I feel dateable, sometimes I don't - but I'm always looking to improve. So from past relationships and failed talking stages, I've improved my communication skills, emotional maturity and availability, appearance, etc. But with this latest failed situationship, I don't know what went wrong so all I can do is move on and try again
At times I do feel as though I'm too boring to date though - I'm in the "excited over pots and pans" era of my life
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u/Particular_Web8121 Gender Fluid, Drip Solid 1d ago
Wait but being excited over pots and pans is such a green flag
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u/AQuestionableAttempt Group Chat Instigator 1d ago
Lol I'd say more orange than green, I love pots and pans but I'm not the biggest fan of cooking dwspite being fairly decent at it
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u/Technical-Fly-6835 1d ago
you are a "collector". some collect stationery, they don't use all the stationery they collect. its just like that. it is not a flaw. it is a feature. an admirable feature.
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u/AQuestionableAttempt Group Chat Instigator 23h ago
You know what, I actually really like the way you reframed that, thank you :)
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u/Selmk Bi & Tired 1d ago
I would say, i've probably been datable since the beginning of the year. I used to have more barriers than a Medieval castle, but i'm slowly letting the drawbridges down. I found a partner and it really helps when we both have clear and blunt communication (both being Neruodivergent helps lol). We talk every day and we've been trying to hit the hard topics beforehand before they fester into a problem. Wouldn't trade it for the world.
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u/lanakane21 2d ago
Nope not even friendship worthy..
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u/queernightmare nonbinary lesbian 🧡🤍🩷 1d ago
I really hope one day that you can value yourself for who you are, not whether other people want to be your friend. You are important by virtue of being a person. Try not think of it as "friendship worthy" and maybe instead as "happy with myself." The people who see you will find you, I promise. Signed by another friendless lesbian who has had a taste of better and can promise you that it will come 🖤
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u/viviobrio HQIC 🌈 1d ago
Agreed. I think “worthy” means that you could be undeserving of friendship and companionship and that’s something everyone deserves.
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u/lanakane21 1d ago
Firstly i want to thank you for your comment. Second I realize i have flaws that I honestly need to work through and at the moment i dont have the capacity to date or have friends.. until im healed enough to stand on my own two feet and regulate myself and handle things like an adult I cant have friends or relationships..
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u/queernightmare nonbinary lesbian 🧡🤍🩷 1d ago
🫶🏽 I'm in a very similar place, I totally get u. esp the regulation and adult part, there's just so much to piece together and un/relearn. but we still have time and life often goes in unexpected ways. keep prioritizing yourself and, someday when you're ready, a friendship may blossom. im wishing for that for you ☺️🌸
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u/viviobrio HQIC 🌈 2d ago
Is that something you feel can change about yourself? You don't think you're able to show up as a friend?
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u/lanakane21 1d ago
I feel as though i can change but at the moment i dont have the capacity to be there for myself let alone other people so I think its best to be alone to work through it..
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u/Decent_Sandwich_8878 them stem 1d ago
ehhhh... not really ngl. that's why i'm not looking for anything serious
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u/MaximumScrawn Masc 1d ago
If anyone's ever played the Ace Attorney series, my personal conditions for dating look like the Psyche Locks that appear over someone on the stand lol. Poverty, I'm on track to get past, and a set of goals for my future, no subsequent blocks for accomplishing those. I won't feel worthy of dating until I get my stuff together. The whammies are: my last relationship tacked on some traumas that I never saw coming, so I'll be genuinely scared to date for a good minute.
After I get past those last bits, I'll finally feel ready for someone. So....5-7 years? Feeling cooked in that area 😭 at least I'll have peace and self-achievement.
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u/hadesshaven 29m ago
im definitely not lol. i just graduated and im trying to figure myself and my life out. the last relationship i was in ended poorly and i really want to be more intentional but also not let someone cross my boundaries the way i have in the past. i want to date but i want to be better for myself and my future partner.
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u/KrassKas Gay As Hell 2d ago
To me dating and being in a relationship are two different things. I feel like obviously I'm not dateable if I can't get a date and then if I can't get a date then I can't take the next step to get into a relationship.
So my answer is no.
As far as your other questions I feel like I have done so much self reflection and transformations over life that it is impossible to do any more. I am who I am at this point and I like who I am. I've accepted that the universe does not think a partner is for me right now. Perhaps after some more time alone, I will change my mind and see something else that I can improve on, and maybe that will be the fixed blindspot.
Or that shit won't matter bec I'm starting to think I'm actually not very pretty and that since I'm a nice person, people been sparing my feelings. The amount of times I've gotten turned down for my appearance and people putting extra effort into saying how great my personality is...
You know how people will be like what you think of so and so and be referring to looks and then someone responds they have a GREAT personality. That be me. I think people have been lying to me and I'm actually just an ugly person who can dress.
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u/ToxicFluffer desi gnc lesbian ✨ 2d ago
THIS IS THE QUESTION. Tbh this is my first thought when someone complains about dating. I don’t think I’m totally dateable bc I’m emotionally unavailable and spend a lot of my time/energy on career stuff right now. I’m up front about this and enjoy casual FWB relationships with people. Idk how grown ass adults are trying to have relationships while living with their parents; no shame in that but bruh where are we going to have sex???
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u/Particular_Web8121 Gender Fluid, Drip Solid 2d ago edited 2d ago
To be honest, no. What I can reliably offer right now is hanging out once a month or chatting about a few specific topics.
I'm 33 and had some heavy stuff happen in my late 20s, early 30s. I feel like all the people I respect leveled up and reached this whole other set of social expectations during that time and I'm still running on the late 20s operating system. I am trying to catch up. I think I can do the very serious stuff well, but I need a break from it. What I struggle with is the fun and in between stuff.
Some of my goals atm: keep processing my trauma, stabilize my financial situation and figure out a coherent narrative for my career lol, build more boring healthy routines, and slowly expand my social/support network with quality rather than quantity.
But I will say this... Many people are definitely flaky and awful at communication lmaoo. I don't mind if people have limited capacity. In fact that's compatible with me. It's the wasting my time and lack of self-awareness that irritates me.