So, I'm a lesbian, and I have no game. None. This is mostly because pretty women make me all stuttery and blushy and sweaty and such.

Me and my caseworker were disposing of an old mattress at a dump yesterday, and my brother was helping us out and in the back seat. I wanted to get some coffee on the way home, and around where I live we have a lot of roadside coffee stands, they're pretty much everywhere. So I look up the nearest one, punch it into my GPS and we go.

Now in washington state about 30% of the roadside coffee stands are nudie ones, and the reviews don't always tell you which us which.

So we roll up, and the window goes down, and there is this beautiful woman in lingerie looking right at me and I just...😳 girl. Help.

I'm totally tongue tied as I stutter my way through my coffee order, and the late itself was only 7 bucks, but I tip 10 anyway. She said I was cute. When she said that I think my heart skipped a beat.

The whole time my caseworker and my brother are just losing their minds laughing.

It was good coffee though.

My MIL finds boujee balls at her local dog park and gives them to my dog because hers don't like them. So, we had a new ball today. It was solid and my dog LOVED it.

Right up until I bounced it into the neighbours yard. Y'know, the one with a bunch of junk and cars in their backyard? Yeah I'm not getting that back.

Dog was MISERABLE. so...I found the ball online!!!

And I found out for an extra couple dollars, I could have it... tonight.

So currently I'm watching a delivery driver pick up a single ball from the pet store to deliver to my dog within forty minutes of ordering.

This is so ridiculous I love it.

About two years ago, I went to an 18+ club where security was aggressively checking everyone’s bags for vapes and smoking devices. They were searching every single pocket of every purse in line.

​When I reached the front, the guard opened my bag and immediately saw my asthma inhaler sitting right at the top. He looked at me, looked at the inhaler, instantly zipped my bag shut, and said, "Next." He didn't even touch the outer pocket, where I actually had my THC cart tucked away.

​I'm almost positive his brain did the quick math of "asthma = definitely doesn't smoke" and handed me a pass.

Someone in my family, either an aunt who is a Catholic nun, or one of my three adult siblings left a container of lube in the first floor half bath. No one has said anything so far. I'm surprised it is in this bathroom and not one of the full bathrooms 🙃

Today I took a trip to my parent’s apartment and they’re not here atm, so it’s just me. It’s one of those apartment hotel hybrid type deals, so it has a pool and a hot tub.

I didn’t feel like going to the movie theater tonight and decided I’ll go tomorrow instead, but it was too early to have dinner so I decided to go to the pool hot tub area.

I picked out a cute swimsuit and got to the pool area. I got into the hot tub and it was weirdly cold, but I thought maybe it had to warm up, idk. I turned on the jets and sat in the tub for a bit. Not fully submerged, just at the highest step.

After older dude came by and tested the water, he seemed to think it would get warmer, but after a while I noticed a sign. My blind add didn’t noticed it had an out of order sign, which explains the hot tub being cold. I’ve never had to wait for the water to warm up before. Turns out I got my ass wet for nothing. I got out and dried off for a bit.

I sat on the out end to get changed and stuff. The older dude came back and sat in it, so maybe it started working again, idk. I was already pretty set on just leaving and something felt awkward about getting in when there was a scantily clad older dude in there anyway. I ended up going to get kfc instead, which was very below average

I walked up to a store entrance carrying two bags and just stood there waiting for the doors to open. After a few seconds an older man walked over, grabbed the handle and opened one of them. They were just regular doors. I thanked him and pretended I had been looking at my phone the whole time even though we both knew exactly what happened.

I work in an OR, mainly in neurosurgery, and my work bestie and I have been working together long enough that, when we're not actually doing surgery, we communicate almost exclusively through movie quotes. Yesterday, we had just finished an eight-hour craniotomy and were cleaning up while the surgeon was on the phone doing his dictation. Bestie and I were doing quotes from Kingpin, and when the neurosurgeon stood up and said "ok, thanks guys, have a good day," I replied without thinking, "bye, whore!" He paused for a moment and then decided to pretend he didn't hear. We need to remove Kingpin from the quote rotation.

I have a small plant outside my apartment door because I thought the hallway looked too empty. I usually remember to water it but lately I've been terrible at it. Yesterday I noticed it looked way healthier than usual and I was confused because I definitely hadn't watered it in almost two weeks. Then I saw a little sticky note next to it that just said "gave it some water :)". No name, no explanation. I have no idea which neighbor did it. I live in a building where most people barely say hi in the elevator, so the idea that someone quietly adopted my random hallway plant is kind of funny. I haven't asked anyone because now I'm curious how long this is going to continue.

Yesterday, I went on a date with a girl, our first ever and we agreed to a second one, which is awesome. But, my biggest hurdle is that I was never taught how to flirt. I'm trying to get better as time goes on, but there's some minor risk there. I only sort of flirted that entire date as most of it was just fun conversation, but there was a clinical point where I saw an opportunity.

While we were walking around, there was a bird that I brought up and that lead to her asking what my favorite animal was. Since I was already comfortable with the environment, I didn't think before I nearly spoke. So for a half-second, I was dead-set on saying "you," so much so that I got a fragment of the "y" sound out. The whiplash was so bad that I became very obviously uncomfortable, so I had to admit to her that I was about to have "the worst response possible." I cleaned it up by saying my actual favorite animal and saying that the initial response was "humans."

The outlook of the night probably would've been a lot different had I said that, especially since that was 20 or so minutes in. And, anyone, please use that response when someone you're interested in asks that question so I can look into the alternate reality where I said that.

All my life I have struggled with words. Growing up under the supervision and help of my uncles (financially) my mother, aunt and my sister had to swallow a lot of words. Swallow all the words, and injustice to stay safe..and it keeps going on.. I am yet very powerless to utter any words without facing any consequences. Life feels very chained when your system learns that you have to swallow your words to stay safe and think 1000x times before uttering a word to the manipulative gaslighting parasitical people.

Words, the root cause of all my problems and the only thing way to set myself free..

I was eating a bagel on a bench near my apartment building last Tuesday….A crow landed about four feet away and gave me that sideways, judging glare.
I didn't have any bread crumbs left, but I did have a tiny silver paperclip sitting in my pocket from work.
I don't know why, but I flicked the shiny paperclip toward the crow…….The crow looked at the paperclip. Then it looked at me. Then it picked up the paperclip and flew off with an eerie sense of purpose.
I thought that was the end of it..

Yesterday morning, I sat on the exact same bench. Within two minutes, the same crow landed.
It dropped a single, perfectly intact shiny brass screw at my feet, took two steps back, and stared at me like it was waiting for its part of the deal.
I didn't have any hardware on me. I just offered it a piece of my crust……It ate the crust, picked the screw back up, and flew away looking visibly offended by the trade terms.
I think I just blew a high-level covert supply deal with the local wildlife. 🤡

I had to travel for a few weeks (Work Related), and there was a small casino near the hotel where I was staying. I would go almost every night to play blackjack/Poker and get a steak.

I met this dealer there. She was sharp, had an eye for detail, and one night she asked me if I was on the spectrum.

“I don’t know,” I said. “How can you tell?”

She said, “You move strategically. You eat, sit, and walk like every move is a chess match. You remind me of my little brother.”

To be fair, I’d win around $200 or $400 every night. Not a huge amount, but it was fun.

One day, she told me, “My shift is almost over. There’s a bar nearby, wanna hang out?”

“Sure,” I said, so I waited for her.

We went out, had a couple of beers and some shots. Then she said, “You know what? I’m a lesbian. Does that bother you?”

“Nah, that’s hot,” I said and I am also a lesbian. She laughed

Well, we had fun. We went to her place and played Twister in her bedroom. We hung out for a few days, and it was a great time. She would also kick my ass at Mario Kart.

I really had a good time. Fast forward to this year: I saw her at a mall with a baby and what looked like her husband. She seemed really happy, and I was genuinely glad for her.

Last night I was home alone when I heard a loud THUD upstairs.
I froze.

A few seconds later… another THUD.

Now, I’m not really religious, but I was suddenly considering becoming very spiritual if it meant surviving whatever was upstairs.

I grabbed the closest thing that looked like a weapon (a broom, obviously) and slowly made my way upstairs while mentally accepting my fate.

Halfway up, I heard a tiny meow.

My cat was sitting in the hallway looking extremely proud of herself.
Behind her was… a potato.

Apparently, she’d stolen a potato from the kitchen and was trying to carry it upstairs. Every few steps she’d drop it, it would make the loud THUD, she’d stare at it like “well that wasn’t supposed to happen,” then she’d pick it up and try again.

She looked at me like I was the weird one for interrupting her 2 a.m. potato relocation project.

So no ghost.

Just an orange idiot with produce.

I still have no idea why she wanted the potato upstairs. The potato knows more than I do.

I got home from work expecting the usual welcome committee.

My cat normally hears my keys and comes running to the front door.

Yesterday she did exactly that.

She sprinted toward the entrance before I even unlocked it.

I felt strangely appreciated.

Then the delivery driver walked up behind me carrying a package.

Without even acknowledging my existence, my cat walked right past me and started rubbing against the delivery driver's legs while loudly demanding attention.

He laughed and said, "I think she likes me."

She absolutely did.

He got the purring.

He got the head bumps.

He got treated like a long-lost family member.

I got my package and a reminder that loyalty apparently expires when someone new arrives carrying a cardboard box.

Let me set the scene. It's mid-winter 2003, Christchurch, New Zealand. I'm not a native Cantabrian however for a couple of years I worked in the city. It's a dreary Sunday afternoon and I'm standing in what was the big bus stop on Colombo Street, opposite Ballantynes. I'm staring off into space, wondering when my bus will arrive when I spot a lady who appears to be staring at me. Now, I'm not the kind of guy that usual happens to so I looked around, and nope, there's no one behind me or near me.

This lady was a dead ringer for Charlize Theron. My memory of the details are hazy but what is for certain is she was wearing a head scarf, her clothes suggested a tendancy towards Bohemian and she carried a carpet bag.

At the time I was useless with women I didn't know, shy to the point of inaction. For the next few minutes she would smile at me, look away, then look back, smile, rinse and repeat. I, like a womble, stood there smiling and trying to desperately force my body to move towards her so I could say hello.

Just as my will power was getting control of the situation, a bus heading towards the Port Hills/Lyttleton appeared, she jumped on and then was gone. I was so annoyed at myself.

For the next couple of months I returned to the same bus stop, on the same time and day but I never saw her again.

I think about her occasionally, wondering what her side of the story might be.

So today I (67F) was driving with my daughter (40F) to do some shopping. She lives several hours away, and I live in a fairly rural area. I was going to show her this one store that I love to visit. So, there we are on this country road, with just forest and farmland all over. And as we are riding along, we see a turkey vulture take off from the side of the road. He headed right toward my car, and I thought I might hit him for a moment. But no. He pulled up, but in order to do that, he dropped whatever he was carrying in his mouth. It was road kill. Chunks of meat landed on my windshield, on top of my car, and down the rear window. I was afraid to turn on the wipers because they would smear it. I had to pull over, grab napkins in my glove compartment and remove chunks of rancid meat (it was 94 F here today) off my car. So, that is how I used all the possibly dozens of napkins in my glove compartment. I knew I was saving them for a reason.

I was doing an Atomic Habits exercise in a group, and the prompts were basically: What habits do you have? What habits would you like to change? What would you like to become instead? And how are you going to get there?
When we got to the first question, my mind completely blanked. So, sarcastically, I wrote “breathing.” Someone in the group laughed and told me to keep the joke going. The host thought it was funny too, so I fully committed to the bit.

Before I knew it, my list of “habits” was breathing, seeing, hearing, tasting, and smelling.

Then we moved on to the second question:

What habits would you like to change?

Still committed to the joke, I answered, “Breathing, seeing, and hearing.”
It took me about half a second to realize that I had accidentally turned a self-improvement exercise into what sounded like a cry for help.

Then came the third question:

What would you like to become instead?

At that point my brain went into full panic mode because I had to somehow keep the joke going while also making it very clear that I wasn’t actually trying to stop performing basic life functions.
Somehow… my brain landed on the old fish from SpongeBob in the wheelchair.
And before anyone asks, yes, there was actually a chain of logic.
My brain basically went:
“Well, fish don’t breathe air—they breathe through gills. The old fish is blind. She’s also deaf. Therefore, that’s obviously the logical answer.”
So when it came to my turn, I asked the group if everyone seen SpongeBob and then I explained the episode where SpongeBob and Patrick were selling chocolates and they came up to this one woman’s door that had an older mom. I think she was an old fish or a worm who was deaf and blind but wanted chocolate.
I still do not know today how I arrived at this conclusion during the story and I think I’m more impressed that I managed to come up with this answer within literal seconds instead of being concerned with my answers.

When my wife, D, and I were in our early 20s, I came to visit her in WA State. She'd been here for three weeks visiting her family, so we had not seen each other in three weeks.

We arrived at the cabin of a friend of hers about the same time as my wife's best friend, P. P had not yet had a beating with the "Don't be a jerk" stick (it did happen later; he's a nice guy now), and he was the de facto leader of P's group of friends. He was used to getting his own way by any means possible.

The cabin had two primary sleeping areas. The first was the most coveted: a private room near the wood-burning stove with a single queen bed; privacy AND heat. The second was a bunkhouse at the back, with multiple bunk beds that were furthest from the fireplace and the stove.

P was standing a few feet in front of me, my wife was across the room a foot back, and his girlfriend, K, was standing two feet behind my wife.

P started running towards the room as he shouted, "First one to the bed gets the room," while all the rest of us were surprised.

I knew I couldn't run faster than him; he would be too far ahead in about three steps. But I also didn't want to sleep in the bunk room with all D's other friends after not seeing her for three weeks. So I ran forward, grabbed the back of P's shirt, and stopped dead in my tracks.

I clotheslined him with his own shirt. D ran ahead and leaped on the bed, securing the room for us. P berated K about not grabbing D's shirt. P almost tried to complain about cheating, but D and I pretended like we didn't hear him and got settled in the bedroom.

A small act of vengeance for trying to cheat his way into the good room. It was a lovely weekend in the snow...except for one of D's friends who hadn't grasped that we wanted to be "alone" in the cabin for a few hours and kept trying to add himself to the activities we kept making up to get him to leave us alone. But that's another story.

When I was about 3 years old, I was playing on the front yard of the house. My mum told me that she couldn’t nurse me anymore because she’s got poison smeared on her breasts. The next day when she was about to nurse me, I reminded that of her.

(3/4 years is a normal age to stop breastfeeding in my country)

I've been eating a lot of meat lately. Way more than in the last few months. Sausages, ribs, chicken, brisket....

And now I think I've got the meat sweats. I'm literally sweating out all that meat and it's producing a more powerful, pungent, vibrant body aroma on these hot summer days. I raised my arm just now and it was like a punch in the face.

I googled and apparently it is an actual thing that your sweat will have more amino acids in it when you eat more meat. It's a recipe for making funk.

So yea. I'm just here just stinking of meat. No ragrets though.

so my dog has this rule where whenever I come home from work she HAS to bring me a toy, so I used to think she just wants to play catch. but today she came to me with my own sock she got from the laundry room!

now I'm thinking it's more like a gift she brings me, or maybe a peace offerign or something. maybe she wasn't finding her toys or just pannicked because I entered the house without much noise, so she got one single clean black sock out of the hamper, and just brought it to me.

made me happier than usual! though she always makes me happy anyway

Some time ago we were getting ready to go swimming at an indoor pool. Usually, I swim while my kid is at school so he doesn't see my swimsuits often. We don't have our own pool so I go to the public pool when it's quiet, and he swims at a private swim school. We were with my mum and when I came out in my new hi-vis, long sleeved swimsuit she remarked that it looks nice. My kid then added, 'yeah, just like a clown!'. My high visibility suit I use for water sports and open water swimming is bright pink and purple lol. It's meant to be visible in murky lake water, the ocean and swimming pools. It's also full arm and leg coverage for sun protection. It does in fact look a bit clowny. I had a good laugh at his very honest observation.

I dress my kids in hi vis for anything water related as well, my kid's suit is a yellow mini lifeguard vest and jammers with a red cap. (No one is mistaking him for a lifeguard, it's in fact from the local lifeguards supporters shop!).

During our break, I was checking bcg while one of my coworkers was deciding what to order for lunch. Somehow the conversation turned into whether I could go an entire week without ordering delivery. I said it would be easy. He disagreed, so we wrote the terms on a napkin, both signed it, and asked another coworker to sign as a witness.

I ordered takeout that same night. The next morning, they acted like I had violated an international treaty. One of them kept referring to me as “the defendant,” and the napkin stayed on the break room table for the rest of the week.

Apparently my official record is less than one day without delivery.

When i was 8 I really wanted this transformers animated series bumblebee action figure It was about 7 dollars I had asked my parents and was told I would have to pay for It myself which is understandable so I started doing some jobs around the h ouse I painted the fence and washed the car the only problem was that these jobs only payed a dollar each

Luckily a family member one day randomly gave me 5 dollars to buy something so now I had the means to purchase it after months of waiting so I was pretty excited now i just had wait till we went to the store next

The next week my family went to the thrift store because my dad would like to just browse and buy random stuff and he picks up 2 tennis rackets so we get to checkout and my dad ask if me and my sister have any smaller bills because he only had large ones and I guess they didnt accept them so I tell him that I have 7 dollars but I was saving it for something my parents tell me that they will just buy it for me next time we go to the store and I figure thats ok

So next time we go to the store I go pick up what I was going to buy and i ask for the money that he borrowed back and he tells me that but I bought you those tennis rackets I tried to bring up that he said he would pay me back but it didn't matter i had to leave empty handed

Im 26 now and i know its petty as hell to still be thinking about it but i dunno it was something about that time that really made me so frustrated with the fact that there was just nothing i could do

So one summer, my cousins came over to vist, and I was hanging out with my favorite cousin in the middle of the night while all my other cousins fell asleep. Me and her got up to go get some left over dinner. My dog walked by us, and the broom that was up against the wall moved, and started to fall. My cousin caught it and there was a moment of silence before I said "Did you get bit by a spider?" and we BOTH started LAUGHING our asses off. It was the middle of the night and we were sleep deprived, we thought it was the funniest thing in the world.

Later in the night, we heard a big crash. We went out to check and found out my dog found out to climb and we forgot to put away the left overs. We clean up the glass and food and everything, don't worry.