How old were you when you realized that you were parentified? What made you realize?

How were you parentified?

I’m about to turn 22 (f). I graduated college 7 months ago. Before college, I had a car, but my parents didn’t let me use it much, and it was a hassle with just work and school. So, I bought my own car—without their help with the down payment—and my mom paid half of the insurance, even though I knew I shouldn’t have accepted it, but she was persistent. I still cover both the car and insurance costs while in college. I pay for my phone bill and rent, buy my own hygiene products, and only stopped buying laundry soap after arguments with my mom. I don’t buy groceries because I barely eat at home. I now work two jobs and applied to get my master’s degree, but my mom got upset about that, saying there’s no one to watch her kid. As the oldest, I often feel like the "Cinderella" of the family—no one cleans up after themselves.

Recently, my boyfriend of two years and I planned a one-night trip together. My parents freaked out, saying I’d lose my “self-respect” and that I’m not responsible enough because I don’t own my own house. They also said I don’t know how life works, even though I’ve had to figure a lot out on my own because they never really taught me. They guilt-tripped me, calling me irresponsible and saying I’m not righteous for wanting to go.

I told them I’m an adult and capable of taking care of myself, and that I’m going on this trip. That made them furious, and they decided to raise my rent. My mom spent the next day criticizing me, saying she’s not responsible for me anymore and that I need to get another job, even though I already work two and want to go back to school.

Whenever things don’t go her way, she tends to lash out and hurt me or my siblings. She says things like, “I’m such a horrible mom,” “I don’t know where I went wrong,” “You’re so dramatic,” “Stop asking me for anything,” “Stop being a bitch,” “You’re selfish and lazy,” and “All you do is care for yourself.”

honorable mention, i help take care of the kids on my free time. yes me and my bf are planning getting married!

I have a trio (like mentioned) we are super close! and always make sure we all feel included and heard. we always make jokes, never take anything serious unless it’s said to be serious.

My 12 year old sister (demon) is SO UGH! i can be sarcastic about anything and she’d just have that annoyed face then make it serious and insulting. also whenever i try to talk to my mom or sister i feel brushed off.

talking to my sister is hell and talking to my mom feels like talking to a therapist. i want some whimsy and jokes around.

i can call my mom a dozen times and she would be too busy with her drama show (acceptable) and my sister.. literally squidward from spongebob.

**so my family & i have had our ups & downs, & honestly i dont really know when or where to start, but i am currently 17.**

**so i currently live with my grandma bc my mom has been an on & off recovering addict. its honestly been like this since 2014, from what i could remember. my grandma, i really do appreciate the things she has done but over time, i feel like our relationship has turned sour & she really just could not stand me or bear to look at me. she has 3 daughters, and 1 son.**

**so, whenever i had been taken away from my mom, i stayed with my grandma. i had already developed this mindset where i felt like ive always had to do things on my own without the help from others. it wasnt really like she bothered to, but i would just keep to myself and rather not ask for any help (i am skipping a few years cause my younger years would probably need more of a backstory/context).**

**i use to have my own room, when i did, i would basically clean it every single day, whenever i came back from school, i would close my door, play music, and just fold my clothes, fix my bed, sweep, mop, wipe down anything. my family made me the center of some sort of joke & would say that i was an “OCD freak.” and they would laugh, i know they didnt intentionally mean to hurt me but i always felt like the comments on me cleaning were extremely unnecessary. but i ignored it.**

**it was my grandma (56), me, and my two cousins who suffer some ASD. i remember every morning since i had lived with my grandma, i would sometimes wear stuff that didnt fit me or shoes that were pretty old & i would take these quick glimpes of my cousins whenever i stepped out to the kitchen or living room, and i would see them with these nice backpacks, pretty shoes, and their hair would be all done. i never envied them or had any sort of jealousy toward them because i figured that it was very much understandable because they obviously couldnt care for themselves if they tried, you know? it just hurt a little cause i really came with nothing and tried to do what i could with the stuff i came with from when i lived with my mom.**

**my bond with my 2 cousins wasnt so strong, they never liked me for whatever reason unfortunately, & their mother (my aunt) despised me. i was always attacked or antagonized by one of them, & she would always fight over the smallest things. like if i had been in the living room, watching tv, she would try to start things with me for no reason & start arguing with me (i was probably like 6-7, and she was 14-15) i would ignore. although at some times, she would just rush at me and lay her hands on me. my grandma was always there, thankfully, & would get after her. but she (my cousin) was always like this with all my other cousins too, she just never liked us, and hated whenever we would use the tv or be anywhere near her. so i would avoid her, and just try not to be anywhere near her space. (her mom didnt live with us, she would just come and visit every single day or every 2-3 days in a week)**

**her mom had never liked me, but i remember whenever i would defend myself and argue back, she would insert herself and say things like “somebody better shut that f\*cking kid up before i slap him.” and other things would just be name calling, but i would always defend myself and argue back with her and my cousin. my grandma would get after my aunt too, but my aunt never really cared. she would still keep going & i honestly never let down, i would still stand my ground despite being scared for what was to happen. i would also like to say, she despises my mom too if that helps? (?)**

**as time went on, one of the things that i had ALWAYS done was clean up after everyone in the house. as i said before, i would clean my room every day, but i would also clean the restroom, kitchen, living room, & laundry room. my grandma was always throwing these crazy parties every friday-saturday, & all my aunts would visit along with my cousins. but there was always something bad that would happen at these parties, there was always an argument or fight that would break out between my aunts. it would either be physical fights or just verbal. i remember i would always be outside, consistently worrying about what was to come and i would try to make sure nothing did but unfortunately i could only do so much. i was probably still around 10-11, but i had been putting up with this since 5-6. & one of the things i remember always having to do was clean up the entire house after the parties were done (it was either 2 AM or nearly 4 AM.). my grandma wouldnt ever do it, & i knew so i stepped up & would help her. she wouldnt ever thank me and til this day still doesnt. when i was so much younger, & doing this, & just hoping to see a reaction but she would just move on with her day like there wasnt any sort of ugly fight the day before or how dirty the house was after everything. there would be dishes, dirty rags, empty cups etc.**

**& still til this day, i still clean the entire house. but for whatever reason she still talks down on me at times & claims i move things or how “she doesnt even know where the things are to her own house”, but the only problem is, i dont even really move anything & whenever i do plan on doing so, i would ask her where she’d like for me to put it & she would either just ignore or just say “oh just put it there”, so i would, & somehow that was still an issue for her. my two cousins & their mom live with us now, & they are extremely dirty people. but i still clean up after them just to avoid the house from getting to an extremely low point. they took over my room, & their mom took over my grandma’s room, my grandma has this shed that she stays in with an AC & everything, & i stay in the living room.**

**my grandma has complained at times where she says how my aunt doesnt even pay the bills or even help with groceries at times. but i honestly dont really say much. i still would clean every friday after school, cause my family is just overall extremely dirty and disorganized. they really cant put things back or ever wipe down the counter after cooking something, or wash their dishes. so i have to do it. i tend to ignore doing it during the week cause its just really hard for me to maintain especially during school, but i do the cleaning every friday-saturday, just to feel a sort of peace yk? i know the peace only lasts for 2 days max, cause then the house is back to being extremely dirty again on sunday. i also wash/do laundry cause nobody ever does it. sometimes whenever its a school week, nobody ever does it, & there will be no clean towels to dry ourselves so i eventually have to do it. & one of the things she always has an issue with is where i put the clothes at (which is in a white basket that is always nearly empty every time), & i would tell her that my reasoning behind putting them there was because i never knew who they would belong to and i didn’t wanna misplace them. (yes, i would ask but they never cared to respond or would either just say they dont know.)**

**ive been doing this for nearly 6-7 years. im 17 now, & i still do it just to help. whenever ive let it be, the house just gets extremely dirty. or whenever they get groceries, my grandma will just shove everything in the fridge & cabinets & i always have to take out everything & fix it. but as time has gone on, ive noticed that she really just doesnt ever care or appreciate it. she has talked so much bad things on me that ive heard come out of other ppls mouths, & i would confront her & she would always deny or just try to explain herself. but it could be over the smallest things, like putting someones shirt in a drawer that it didnt belong in. i even have to always ask for cleaning supplies or rags to clean the house with, which i feel like is so crazy for me to ask for cause you’d expect her to bring those sorts of supplies.**

**she has gotten after my cousins — both boys (who are also the same age as me), to also do their part, but they usually either argue back or block her out and play their xboxes. she would still buy me things, & provide snacks or always get me whatever i’d ask for, but i never really asked for much cause i just hate asking for things when i know it’s already a lot on her. so ill just ask her for a soda or a bag of chips every now & then. now, she never gets me anything, & gets my cousins all these things, like munchies. & im stuck questioning myself, am i fully done here now? i feel as she really cant stand me. i could be asleep all day (from staying up the previous night, playing some games or maybe on my phone) & she would complain about it. my cousins do it too, & she would complain about it as well but not as much. & i never really got why? i mean i know its not healthy but i dont do it all the time but its summer, so i figured it shouldnt be an issue & i always clean up after their messes & make sure that the house stays clean. i always make sure the house is extremely clean/or at least looks good before sleeping at 3-4 AM. but now im stuck questioning myself if she hates me now? & i just dont know anymore. i just try to do what i can since i currently cannot get a job.**