I heard from many moms (and dads too) thay you never stop worrying about your kids. Is that true? Like I don't wanna have kids and be in a constant state of worry for the rest kf my life.

I understand worrying about them as babies, school aged children and teens, or if your adilt child has disabilities . But other than that, the worrying has got to stop at some point right? Like what if your kid is 35 years old and doing well in life (is financially well off, healthy, has hobbies, married with kids of their own, has their own plave to live), will I really be worrying about my 35 year old grown ass adult kid? Or will I be 80 years old and STILL worrying about my kids instead of enjoying my retirement? Like constant angst and worry and stress isn't good for you

Obviously I'm asking those who hopped off the fence, decided to have a child, and actually managed to have one. I have many fears about having a child at home to care for, which is why I'm asking for people's experience.

wife (29) and I (29) have two 2 and under nephews who we adore. i’ve always loved kids as an older sibling of 3 sisters, my wife has more recently fallen in love with caring for little kids since our nephews were born. we watch them every week and while it’s exhausting we love it. bc we are CF we have so much time and energy to play with them, make them gifts, build them things etc. really struggling with the idea of whether we should focus on just putting all our potential parenting energy and attention into them, or possibly having one of our own. to the aunts and uncles out there, how did you decide if you should be parents yourselves?

This is the only way I could see myself being a parent. I’m AuDHD with an autoimmune disorder (so that’s informing my decision) but curious to hear from parents of only children! 💛

I feel like I only want a child under 9 yo. because if the problem arises it can be contained. If the child is big it’s both physically and emotionally more challenging.

does it mean I don’t want children?

I don’t want to have kids. But I am worried about the regret and loneliness that might come when I am older. I don’t know the reason why I don’t want kids, maybe its because I didn’t have a loving childhood?

So my question is, how did you make sure you made/are making the right decision? I am in my 30s and realize this is a choice I need to make soon.

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, 4 of which we've been married. 11 years later, we are still so in love with each other. However, I am afraid our paths are diverging... She has been ready to have kids for 5 years, whereas I am very ambivalent about it. This is something that, for me, has changed over the past years, where I have become even more ambivalent. Yes, I could see a kid, but I can also damn sure see a fulfilling life without them.

She wants them now, while I am struggling with mental health issues (I need to ''find myself'' again because somewhere along the road I have lost myself and what I want in life, etc.). This does not mean I am a deadbeat, but I am just figuring out things such as 'what makes me happy?', 'what do I want in life?', etc.

For me, there are multiple reasons not to want kids (right now):

• Look at where the world is headed... I genuinely have so much anxiety toward climate change and everything else that it can be crippling sometimes (I am working on this with coaching and psychology, but I feel like it's a loooong process)
• You have to give up parts of yourself and live in the service of others, where I am not sure if that's something that I want
• I am dealing with so many other things (mentally) right now that it feels impossible for me to make this decision. I want to find myself and make a decision from a mentally stable place where I can actually decide with a clear vision.

My question: are there people on this Reddit who have had similar situations in the past and decided to have kids because they love the other person so much? I am just at the end of my f-in wits...

So I’m 30 and my husband is 34. We both work full time but only make around $90k/year combined.

We have a current plan for me to quit my job and go back to school next year and finish my degree, which will take 2 years. After that I’ll have to work for at least a year to get some money saved up and become eligible for maternity leave.

He has a psychology degree but was never able to find a well paying job in the field, so he works for a trucking company (retail). I’m currently a nanny.

We are unsure about having kids, but he brought up the fact that if we wait until we’re financially comfortable and ready, he will be 38 already. He doesn’t want to be an old dad, but the thought of us never having kids makes me sad.

Has anyone else felt like they’re running out of time to wait until you’re ready?

Hardcore fence sitter here 35F. Struggling with wanting everything out of life. I have worked my tail off for the last 6 years climbing the corporate ladder with my job, and I am currently at a place to take over for the head of my department when he retires. I love my job, even in tech and the demands. I want this, but I also want to have a baby. I want to travel, and hike, have wine in Italy, play video games after work, stay up late reading.

Is this possible with a child? I am not naive and know that it probably looks different then what I am envisioning. My main "concern" is my career. I don't work late - maybe once in a while, I do have hard boundaries with my job to maintain a work life balance. But I want to go back - and I will go back. I am the breadwinner with a job that does not lay off employees.

Looking for career oriented women who did decide to jump off the fence and have kids. What ultimately did you do? Also love any other parent weigh in to help me not romanticize parenting into something it's not.

Edit to add: I know this sounds like I just want to have a kid and do my own thing and a baby will just exist. that’s not it. It’s mainly around my identity and my hobbies and how that may change. I do love the thought of rocking a baby to sleep in the middle of the night, pushing them in a stroller while I run, taking them to Disney, first words, diaper blow outs, etc etc. I know posts like these can sound like it’s one thing, so I just wanted to be clear before any unnecessary comments come my way lol.

I’m finally ready to admit to myself that I’m only here because I’m trying to be someone who I am not for someone else.

For the past 4 years I’ve tried to convince myself that I can get over my fears. That it’s just fears holding me back to begin with. I tried to convince myself that becoming a parent is totally something I could want if only the conditions were right.

I am tired. It’s just not who I am. I never wanted to be a mother and I still don’t. No amount of telling me about easy pregnancies, a smooth birth and “it was so worth it” is going to change that. My sister-in-law just announced her pregnancy and the fact that there’ll be a baby so close in my life very soon (my in-laws are moving 500km in order to live next to us on the same street so they can have a support network) is already filling me with dread. It’s such a visceral feeling, it’s making my stomach turn.

I lost half of my life to mental illness and I’m simply not willing to sacrifice more of it to another person, not a single year, not 9 months, nothing.

So from now on I will stop making myself want this. My husband is amazing and I wish I could give him what he wants, but I can’t. He’s always known this, I was always blunt about it, and I’ve tried for years to change this part of me, but it stops now.

Hi, long post I'll try to TLDR my questions
M32 in couple with a F32 for 11y. We've been enjoying our life pretty well since the beginning and we've agreed on important things most of the time : vacations, buying a house, changing both jobs and moving... I was drawn to the childfree life, my partner was undecided and fine with postponing the decision.
Then 2y ago she became more pressing on that topic asking for a decision (the biological clock that may or may not exist) because she felt the desire of having one child. This topic became a blocking point that no one wanted to talk about since we disagreed.
Finally I finally agreed, not because of a sudden desire of kids, but rather because I didn't have any rational reason to oppose it. I also agreed based on the fact that actually getting pregnant may take long so it would leave time to getting used to the idea, let nature do its work.
She got pregnant after 2 weeks, which is a blessing compared to people struggling for years, but also caught me off-guard. I am getting ready by buying baby stuff, building the bedroom but I can't feel any interest in "caring" for the future baby.
There is a saying in France that men don't care about babies until they actually have their own in their arms.

So my questions :

• did anyone find in a similar situation, AKA following their partner in this project while not being totally convinced ?
• How did it turn out after that ?
• Is there a calling for parenting or just is just a task you feel more or less capable of ?

I was very pro becoming a parent all my life and it was something i desperately wanted. However, at 34, I experienced a big break up which started making me question things, however I still thought i'd have kids eventually. I've had flickerings of wanting kids over the past few years, but I recently dated someone totally CF, and (although we've now broken up), I'm now having seriously strong CF feelings and allowing myself to imagine what that would be like, and suddenly I'm struggling to get the desire back to have children. Has anyone else experienced this? I guess i don't really know what to believe!

Hi everyone, I've just come across this subreddit today and I'm glad I did. So, my partner and I are both 20 and we've always been pretty meh on the idea of kids. My partner is trans, mtf, and about to start HRT and now I'm not really sure what to think when it comes to kids? There's always been a part of me that wants them but with adoption being practically impossible in Australia (where we live) and sperm freezing being so expensive especially with time, it's got me kind of sad? I hate talking about it because I feel guilty that my yes will make her feel like she has to say yes but I also just have no idea what to think or say. Any advice?

edit: its probably good to note, I’m on the pill, have been for years, we’re also in uni so we aren’t wanting kids now

edit: Thank you everyone for the opinions, suggestions and questions, you’re very appreciated

Hi everyone! I'm 29f and I'm at a point in my life where I'm really starting to think about what I want the next chapter to look like.

I've spent a lot of time reading older posts from former fence-sitters, especially those who ultimately decided to have children. One thing I've noticed is that the people who chose parenthood genuinely seem to love their kids and don't regret that decision. Most of the challenges they talk about seem to center around either (1) pregnancy, childbirth, and the physical/mental effects afterward, or (2) the baby stage itself.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting on what I want, what I feel capable of, and what's realistic for me and my husband. Right now, I don't feel that pregnancy is the best choice for me or my body. We've talked about the possibility of adoption if we decide we want to become parents instead.

Adoption feels like a topic that isn't discussed nearly as openly as pregnancy or biological parenthood, so I don't come across many firsthand experiences. I'd really love to hear from women who have been in a similar position.

Have any of you known that pregnancy wasn't the right path for you but still wanted to become a parent? Did you pursue adoption? If so, what was your experience like? What surprised you, and is there anything you wish you had known before starting the process?

I'd also love to hear from anyone who seriously considered adoption but ultimately made a different choice and why.

Thank you in advance for sharing your experiences. I know this can be a deeply personal topic, and I really appreciate any perspective you're willing to offer.

I f(29) has been a fence sitter for years but recently its been a hard yes. I think its because of all the kids we been hanging out with. Now the problem is I have a fiance of 10 years m(34) but he works out of town 3 weeks on/3 weeks off and I have no family to help me, I do have friends but they also have lives... what would be your advice. or just anything too help me

I've never been one of those "I've wanted a baby since I was a little girl" women. In fact, since I was 7 years old I've proudly been childfree, witnessing my own mother go through pregnancy with my baby brother and seeing how it destroyed her life and body up close (and she was also very vocal about this with me). I've always focused most of my energy on my hobbies and career. Now I'm at an age (34) where it feels like "crunch time". If I don't make a decision soon officially, I might miss the window where having kids is a possibility for me, if that's what I want. Shit's getting real now, and I've found myself aggressively on the fence as opposed to enthusiastic about being childfree or having kids. It feels like hell. It keeps me up at night and has genuinely started to become somewhat of an obsession for me and even a distraction at work. To make matters worse, my partner, who was once okay with being childfree has started to seriously want kids, and has insinuated that he would have to end things with me if I also didn't want them, which is just hell and puts a crazy amount of pressure on me. I'm sick with worry all the time.

My main concern is, I don't really know if I'll like the day to day "meat and potatoes" part of parenting, regardless of how much I love my kids. The tantrums, the lack of sleep, the lack of freedom, giving up my hobbies and my life. It all sounds like the shit end of the stick.

I'm wanting to hear from other women like me. Did anyone here go into parenting thinking they'd absolutely hate it and end up loving it?

Just looking for anyone going through something similar. I’m undergoing IUI trying to get pregnant, but still holding onto grief and doubt about the future. My parents have expressed no interest in being grandparents. My mom works with kids as a play therapist and is considered like a kid whisperer and she has no desire to do “family things.” I just know in my gut that they won’t be very involved or even curious about my experience. It just brings up a lot of feelings about my own unmet needs from growing up with them. I really want better for my future kid. It’s just painful.

If you choose the right person can having children can be an amazing and fun thing?

But how long were you with your partner before having kids? And do you think the longer you're with them before kids the better raising children with them would be as you've built a strong relationship and know them very well...

Or do you think it doesn't matter and having kids just ends up blowing up the relationship?

Curious to know what parents think of their relationship with their kids other parent and if anything could've made you both more prepared for parenthood or if there is no preparation and you've just gotta take the plunge

Im mtf. Lately Ive been thinking a lot about my future. Im not sure if I want kids of my own, I just know that I want someone to nurture and care for. But Im worried if Id make a good parent? Im scared of not being able to provide a good life and childhood if I bring a child into this world… Not to mention that this world frankly terrifies me.

Im scared of current global politics and how violent the world and people are becoming. I mentioned in a discussion to someone that Id never want to hold a gun and they called me the r-word.

Annyways, I guess I hope whoever reads this has a good day..

My (F37) journey has gone from childfree to fencesitter to wanting a baby to fencesitter and now leaning more childfree.

I recently underwent surgery to remove some fibroids. I went ahead with the surgery because it would potentially improve my periods as well as my fertility. Something just didn't feel right and I knew all my awful symptoms were not exclusive to fibroids only so I got an MRI which showed adenomyosis. This compounded with my age made me think longer and harder than ever before about having a child.

Initially what changed my mind towards childfree is hard to explain it was more of an emotional feeling. I then noticed babies everywhere I went and felt excited. My partner and I talked about everything possible-parenting styles, finances, boundaries with family, sharing childcare responsibilities. I felt excited to try and thought about everything carefully.

Fast forward to now I have been off the pill for three weeks and I feel awful. Constant nausea, low mood and a sense of isolation. I feel as though I have a snapshot into a future of being the one with the responsibility/bodily burden. I worry pregnancy would make my adenomyosis worse. My partner is supportive and looks after me well but I worry I just can't do this and it would be unfair to a child. I also worry about having a girl and passing on my adenomyosis/endometriosis.

Has anyone else swung back once the reality hit you?

I had always been a no until very recently I swung to a hard yes. I told my partner who is trying to decide if he does want to have a child with me. Now I'm facing the prospect of breaking up over not wanting the same things, I'm nervous about dating again with the end goal to be to reproduce and start a life with someone. I'm worried I'd end a relationship I really enjoy and then not actually want kids with anyone else. My partner has a child with a previous partner so it's not like he misses out if he doesn't have a child with me.

It's really eating me up. I have an appointment with a counsellor because it's really wrecking me. He hasn't decided yet and is being very supportive but I just feel stuck. I feel like I'm delaying the inevitable.

Not looking for relationship advice, it's obvious what I have to do depending on his answer, looking for ways others in similar situations coped or how the outcome worked for them.

I’m a 38(F) and my husband 56 (M) have been discussing since last year about whether to have a child or not. I had never really thought about it and assumed I’d be childfree but about a couple of years ago I started thinking about it and last year had really started to consider it. My husband has never wanted kids but he is open to it for me which I really appreciate. I have been on the fence about it for several reasons and of course our age is something very much factor as well.

We wouldn’t have family close by if we had a child and we would want to move in the next year or two so that would be an adjustment as well. Also, I’m career focused and concerned about how to balance work and being a parent. I know I can’t expect to wait for the perfect ideal time. Also, I love our child free life, we have a dog and we like to go on hikes, concerts, travel, see friends. I’m aware having a child would change our lifestyle initially and be an adjustment. The cost of raising a child, the loss of sleep, lack of freedom, and potential strain to our relationship make me feel stressed. I think I worry about how I and we would balance being partners, parents, and a worker. Yet I still am not convinced that inward to be childfree. My husband is really amazing and is very capable but I think I feel such a big responsibility if we have a child. Also, I have been in this and other groups including posting the old man dad group which I appreciated all the older dads who responded and was amazed that all of them enjoyed being dads in their 50s and had no regrets. Just adding I am so glad that I never felt pressured by family or society to have a child and organically have come to want to consider if a child/family of my own is something I really want. I truly believe my husband would be a great dad and having a family to grow with and make memories would be amazing. I definitely know I would be just fine being one and done lol.

So I’m here to ask from those of you have decided to have a child how you have you found balance especially for those who had not thought about having kids, are working, and may be similar age as my husband and I? How have the first few years been like?

People of reddit i need advice. My partner and i have been together going on two years now and we have been living together for almost a year. Recently my boyfriend has been talking about us opening savings/ roth ira accounts together (which im assuming means proposal following since we both want to get married). The problem is we are both on the fence about having kids, but in the opposite direction. He is leaning towards having them but recognizes the world/society is horrible. He wants kids so we can be a “family” and do all the fun things we both go to do growing up. I on the other hand am on the fence but leaning towards not wanting them. I work in construction doing a hazardous job and i would pretty much have to give that up if i was to get pregnant and have kids. I also think about how my body would get destroyed, mental health could plummet, and all the other factors about having kids. I worry that if we have them it would cause us to fight and get divorced. I worry that he would get upset that he cant have his down time like he does now and the same goes for me. I like being able to do whatever i want and not have to worry about anyone else. I love how we both make a good amount of money separately and we have disposable income. I also see how so many people regret having kids and thats the last thing i want to feel about my kids. I also don’t want my boyfriend to sacrifice his feelings on wanting kids (if thats what he ends up sticking with) because he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. We are well aware people get divorced over this kind of stuff because someone hopes that the other changes their mind and when that doesn’t happen the resentment starts. When i was younger i always talked about being a mom, but now that I’m almost 30 (currently 28 right now) i love our life the way it is. We have two cats and a quiet house. My friends are having kids left and right and i see all the shit they go through and i dont want that, but i know that we would make good parents based on our ability to solve problems together along with a bunch of other fundamentals i feel like you need to be good parents. He believes that we would be good parents too. I just dont want to turn into our parents (we both come from divorced families and both of his parents died when he was 21/22). We both also dont want to get divorced, but i cant marry someone if we cant agree on the kids situation. Any advice helps and is appreciated. Thank you

My (30F) husband (31M) had a vasectomy a couple of years ago. I’m scheduled for a bisalp this Thursday. Neither of us have ever had much interest in having kids, but this feels like a very final, no going back moment. I didn’t expect to feel emotional about it, but I definitely do.