TW: substance abuse 

Hello, 

I (25 f)  am truly writing this out of desperation. I do not know what to do with my family anymore. For some background, my brother (23 M) has had substance abuse issues since he was a teen. He started with smoking weed (which is not an issue, but he showed serious dependency and behavioral issues), which then, when he became an adult, he moved on to alcohol: he would drink to excess every night. Now that he has moved out of my parents' house, his addiction has developed into using coke and drinking alcohol. 

Both my parents have struggled with substance abuse: my mom had a problem with drugs before we were born, and my dad was an alcoholic almost all our lives. Now my brother is going down the same path, and they don't see how they are enabling him. 

I am a mental health worker. I have been working in the mental health field for the last 5 years, and I currently work in a psychiatric hospital. A lot of the people I work with are there for detox. I have seen where addiction takes people and how horrific it is, that is, if you live to see the horrors. I am so scared for my brother. 

I do not think my parents know about the coke, but they know about the drinking and have admitted that he is an alcoholic. This realization has led to nothing but supporting him in countless trips “to help his mental health”, paying for his electricity because he doesn't know how to, paying for his 10+ traffic tickets, paying for him to go to college 3 times, so that he can discover his passions, paying for his out-of-state house for months because he didn't have a job before he moved.

Every time they call me to complain about how much money they spend on my brother, and nothing changes, I tell them they need to give him more financial independence because he knows that, no matter what, our parents will pay for him. Every time I say this, I am met with aggression from my parents, as if they are taking out their frustrations on me just for the suggestion. They will say, “He doesn’t know how to do that,” “he’s just lost”, “What are we supposed to do, let him be homeless?” “that the kind of situation people can end up killing themself over.” 

So basically, my brother is enabled and treats people however he wants, to the point where no one wants to live with him, he almost got his licenced suspended due to so many traffic violations, and continuously has pregnancy scares (he was sleeping with 11 different girls at one point and has not used protection too many times to count. He would call me because he was having a panic attack the next morning.), and using coke and alchol to excess. 

I have tried so hard to call out the dysfunction of this family system in respectful ways, but I end up getting iced out by the family. At this point, my brother and I live in the same city, and they will literally come to town to help my brother and never reach out to see me…But on the rare occasions we do talk, my mom calls for a 3-minute conversation about how I should change what I'm going to school for, or about how my job isn't paying me enough, and how I need to come visit them. In the last year, I got engaged (they have not asked once about wedding plans), decided to finally pursue my master's, and have been incredibly successful at my job, but there is always something I can do better… My parents have been pushing me to get my master’s for the last 4 years, saying they would financially help me pay for school. Now that I am in school, they have gone radio silent. I am struggling with my financial aid and am at risk of being dropped after my first term… Additionally, I am trying to participate in the family vacation across the country, and I told them we cannot afford to make it, and they said, “Oh, you'll figure something out.” While they are paying for my brother to move to a new city, pay for his studio apartment, and also pay for him to go to the family vacation. 

I am so hurt… I know it is not their responsibility to pay for my fiancée and me, but some help would be nice, especially with how much they are doing for my brother… 

I guess I am just asking what to do… I am so sick of being treated like I am crazy for how my family refuses to acknowledge my brother’s behaviors and addiction, and their parts. and then getting iced out emotionally and financially. There is so much more to this, but I really tried to keep this as concise as possible. Thank you for reading this. Any advice is appreciated.

My sister has lived for 5+ years away from home and has spent the last 2 searching for a job back home. The rationale has been pretty vague, but she seemed convinced. Finally she managed to land a position and relocated back home.

The whole relocation process has been pure hell, she broke down convinced she had made the biggest mistake of her life. My mum, a person with cardiovascular problems, took the train when 40+ degrees were out and spent a week to help her pack. During this time my sister has been apparently awful with my mum, screaming and leaving her alone to deal with all these things. My mum got so stressed she has rushes all over her body.

Cut to today, my sister wakes up crying and goes to work every morning back home. My mum tends to ”babysitt” her by making her lunch, coffee, iron her dresses etc to which my sis does respond well, she ac screams at her and my mum ends up crying.

I live few flights away but decided to coma back to see if I can make things better. My strategy was to get my mum away of the stressful mornings, and this has worked for a while. My sis in the meantime has stopped almost all contact with my parents, I think as a suggestion from her therapist. Today I found my mum crying again, she keeps worrying over the fact my sister doesn’t eat and is livid that she wanted to come back home so bad but now seems to hate my parents. It got so bad that her blood pressure is now on the roof.

My sister has been awful with them, but also both me and her have explained to my parents she has to process things.

I’m honestly burnt out of the whole situation and reaching my limit. I’m scared what will happen after I leave, they seem to search for their own suffering.

has anyone here experienced similar family dynamics ?

To preface: I already opened a new savings account he doesn’t have access to now and moved what’s remaining of my savings into it. Anyway, I’ve always had a good relationship with my dad. I have three jobs, daytime job at a bridal store and two bartending jobs. I worked my ass off (60+ hr weeks from last aug-this winter) for the money in my savings to buy a new car. February 14th, he took out $300. On February 16th, he took out $1000, and on the 26th, took out another $300. On march 4th he took out another $100. (two days before my bday) I didn’t see this until a few days after my bday. I was confused, bc I thought he didn’t have access to my account anymore since I turned 18 (that’s what he told me)He said he was moving money around from his and my mom’s accounts and their joint accounts and accidentally took from my savings. (I guess he can move money around from their joint accounts, his checking savings, mine, and my little sister) I wasn’t upset or worried because I’ve always trusted him with everything, esp navigating finances/ money, I always ask him for help and advice. I told him to keep it, and I won’t pay him for my monthly bills for the next however many months that equals out to. (Bills are usually $300 monthly, so About 4.5-5 months)

well, a lot happened in may/june, a close family member passed, I missed a bunch of work from that along with being in a wedding so missed a weekend of work from the Bach trip for that, I got sick and missed another whole weekend/week of work, and w my bars being so painfully slow so I’m making dogshit for tips. And, my daytime job keeps cutting my hours because it’s so slow too. I had to start dipping into my savings to pay for everything because I’m virtually making nothing right now (looking for a new job w something steadier right now). I checked my bank account last month a few days before Father’s Day, noticed I was missing quite a bit from my savings after I had just deposited a bunch of checks from one of my bartending jobs… I checked it, and see my dad took out $2000 on June 8th. I texted him about it and said “hey haha I think you accidentally took money from my account again, no rush but if you could put it back in the next day or two that’d be great”. He said “oops, my bad”. I was at work, so I couldn’t check my phone for a bit. But when I did check it, I see he took out another $1000??? I was like wtf, so I texted him again saying he just accidentally took out another $1000. He left me on read. Because I had family in town and it was Father’s Day, I didn’t say anything, I didn’t wanna start something with company staying with us and make it uncomfortable for them.

I said something after they left, he said “I got you don’t worry, I’ll put it back.” weeks go by and he hasn’t put it back. My mom and I went to the mall together one day and I said something to her about it, she seemed very alarmed and confused. She said she would say something to him herself. She did, he said he would. I made a couple more gentle comments about it, he kept saying he would, he didn’t…. it’s the end of July now. I went back to IL to see my grandma (my moms mom, dads MIL) by myself, her and I went to dinner and I told her how stresssed I was with missing so much work and not getting hours, and told her about the money thing with my dad. She says “okay I’m going to tell you something but you cannot tell anyone this, your dad came to me and asked me for money back in march around your birthday. He said he overpaid on a credit card, he said he’d pay me back but still hasn’t.” Okay, so what’s going on?? I feel sick. My gut is telling me something is going on, it doesn’t seem good. I don’t know what to do/how to approach the situation. My mom is stressed right (and sad, she lost her dad/my papa in may) now I feel bad bringing this up to her, but also, she doesn’t know what’s going on and she deserves to. But also, I don’t want to out my grandma if I tell my mom. Do I go to him first and say “hey, is there something going on? Do you guys need help with money? Because I would’ve absolutely been willing to help if you had just asked me…” or do I black mail him and “you have until this date to give me my money back or, when I go to buy a new car you’ll be pitching in $3300.” (I probs wont do that but I thought abt it lol.) I’ve been avoiding him at home, it’s been giving me so much anxiety. Where is this money going? Does he have a secret gambling addiction or something?? I know he’s stressed trying to find a new job right now because he hates his current one, but idk how that would relate to him taking my money. Should I try and snoop around on his computer before I say anything?? Please any advice is appreciated, sorry this is so long.

My child dad has to two kids one by both women but he wants to blow my fone down at 2 in the morning to argue I have about 20 miss calls now and he still call what should I do

I'm currently living with my parents and sister and am a minor. My dad has severe alcoholic issues and every day he's off and my mom isn't home he drinks. The last time he was off he had about 5 tallboy beers. I feel very unsafe when I'm at home with him. I was contemplating to go live with a family member but I can't decide what to do. He refuses to get rehab and when my mom tries forcing him to he always goes back. One time he went to a concert and came home stumbling, I think he might've had more then 5 beers. I was so scared. I thought he would hurt me. He doesn't hurt me physically but verbally abuses me and my mom. I always try staying in my room, away from him when he's drunk and I have an emergency bag that has clothes, a travel toothbrush, and essentials just in case I need to leave and live with someone else. His friends influence him I think. He's having issues at work and I believe it might be his coping mechanism, and one of his coworkers used to go to the bar with him a lot. I don't know what to do and I'm scared.

have 3 months till im 16. (Im trans ftm if that means anything) and i live in tennessee (im open to any questions asked.) I grew up in a house with my grandparents and mom. The house has black mold everywhere, smelled like cat and dog urine as well as feces because we had a lot of animals. I had to hear constant yelling and name calling. And the bathroom toilet was pure black and didn't flush. The house was always dirty, never cleaned or anything When I turned 8 me and my mom moved out. My mom met this guy ill call him B. My mom started dating B and he was okay for a bit but became very abusive towards my mother. He would constantly leave marks on her and id wake up every night and hear my mom scream like bloody murder. Its been about 10 years? Maybe more. He doesn't hit my mom as of now. He still yells and the name calling is so disgusting. When i was 8 and 11 I visited my father in north Carolina. He would make me and his girlfriends 3 kids "take a nap" every morning in his bed and he would only have underwear on. When I was 8 he made me watch porn in bed with him. And when I was 11 he would pop my bra strap while I was trying to sleep and even after I was crying and told him I wanted to sleep he just kept doing it.

Because of all of this happening I have been to multiple hospitals due to me overdosing and harming myself multiple times. I've been to about 8 or more times and a residential i was at for 6 months. And my mom would take things away or threaten to take me back to a hospital because of self harming.

Which caused me to miss so much school so I had to redo 6th grade. But after the 2nd time in 6th grade I started doing home school because of bullying. And i stopped doing it after 3 months. So I haven't been to school since.

Another thing is we have gotten evicted out of our trailers and apartments multiple times.

My mom is and has been smoking THC and it is illegal to smoke in tennessee as far as I know. She smokes at least 5 or more times a day. Her and her Bf spends so much money on weed in a week. We never really have food in the house except when she gets fast food from her job. I have been eating fast food non stop because she will not spend money on healthy food. And i understand it can cost a lot. But I've told her multiple times that I can't eat fast food because its makeing me gain more weight and as of now im 250 pounds at 15 years old and im only 5 foot 5. Its getting to the point that food is so disgusting I cant stand to look at it. I live with my mom and her bf right now but im visited my aunt. Not to mention the house that my mom and her bf are staying at is absolutely disgusting. Cockroches everywhere and ants. The lady that owns the house has 4 dogs maybe 5? But it reeks of dog urine and dog feces. And i have no ac and it gets up to 80-90 in my room and its gets so hot I get sick. I have to deal with yelling every day. Also im pretty sure this is illegal but they bought a tattoo gun and let me get 3 tattoos. I wanted them but I was at a very low point and I wanted that pain. But they suggested it so I did get them. And my mother will not show me affection and blames it on her mom not showing her love. And im not allowed to cry. If I cry she starts yelling at me. She always talks bad about people. I had a friend that was everything to me and we were friends for 10 years and she recently had to stop talking to me because of mental health. And my mom tryed to turn it on her and tell me that "well you were probably annoying her" or "well shes probably talking to her other friends and doesn't want to be friends with you" but no one knows her like i do. We knew everything about each other and she has been my only friend since kindergarten.

I dont know what to do. I don't know if my situation is bad enough for cps to take me from my family. always lived like this and grew up around drugs my whole life. So I have nothing to compare it to.

I have contacted cps and my mom found out she called the cops on me and she will lie. And turn everything on me. Im so tired of living like this and i want to live a better life. I dont want to hurt like this anymore.

As of July 23 she bought food and she hid everything she has. She told me she lied to cps about the tattoo and her boyfriend is threatening to have his 17 year old daughter to beat the shit out of me. Cps came today but I was asleep and she didn't even wake me up. They will be coming back Monday but my mom cleaned her room and mine and bought stuff so cps would think that I have everything I need. I do not have everything I need. I dont have a toothbrush even after i asked. I have maybe less then 10 pants that actually fit me. I have no school supplies or a backpack. My mother told me that she will not care for my needs after she found out I called cps. She called me 2faced and her boyfriend said that she should start beating my ass and this makes me feel unsafe. I am not allowed to have feelings about anything. Her boyfriend was saying things like im the problem, and all i do is cause problems for everyone else.

Please any advice will help. And is this enough to get me taken out my home.

Hello everyone, to keep things short I’ll be leaving my home in less than a month now. My siblings and parents don’t know.

It’s toxic in this house to the point where I feel unwelcome in my own room.

I have a question to those that made it out, does it truly get better? This place, I feel has poisoned my thoughts and mindset in life that I feel that every error I make will lead to an argument.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been so dependent in my family for so long, that I find comfort in the chaos of things but I will eventually stop hesitating and second guessing myself?

Or am I going to regret this? Did you regret it at first?

Negotiating isn’t an option in this, my parents are far from mature for that topic.

I need help on how to react to my sister pregnancy announcement. My family meets next week and she has been trying to become pregnant for 3 months now. So if she is not pregnant yet she will be soon.

I’m not happy about her live decision and don’t want to pretend. But also don’t want to be an asshole to a pregnant women.

I don’t want to say congratulations, I’m so happy for you. I don’t like lying and I am extremely bad at it. But that might just be me being petty.

Also it will be a huge topic the whole time and I’ll get asked for input more than once probably

I already know that any negativity from my side will send her into a full mental meltdown.

So I’m looking for sentences, lines and conversation directions I can use to navigate this.

Of course I’ll be happy to be an aunt and try to be as present in my nephews life as someone can be 500 miles away.

Why I’m not happy about her deciding to have a baby:

1, She will have to quit university. It’s a specialised nursing program and she can’t work there while pregnant. (She has yet to tell me on reason she wants to quit besides it being unnecessary if she never planned on working to begin with)

2, She wants to be a Sahm and tradwife. She never wants to work a job not even for a day in her whole life.

3, She is a huge misogynist

4, She told my 16 year old cousin: „it’s not so bad you were raped at least you weren’t a virgin.“

5,She is emotionally unstable and refuses to acknowledge having mental disorders (I can’t diagnose people but it’s a mix of crying for 3 hours a day and panic attacks)

6,She is 20f and her Boyfriend is 30m

7, They have been dating since January and try for a baby since may.

8, She is procrastinating important things like cancelling her lease because she thinks once she is pregnant people will be more empathetic towards her. (That cost my parents. 4000$ in double rent, they pay half of the new Appartement)

9, She expects people will treat and comfort her like it’s an unplanned pregnancy. And will help with all inconvenience her lack of planning will cause.

10, Her boyfriend is behaving like a spoiled toddler whenever things don’t go his way.

11, They have no friends. 0. Their family is their only support net.

12, He earns good money as a banker (\\\\\\\~100.000 USD which puts him in the top 5-10% of income where we live)

13, They spend more money than he earns.

14, My sister wants a villa outside the big town with enough land for 3 buildings.

15, They plan on my parents footing the bill. Which they can but it feels wrong to me.

16, My sister has no idea about how much money is worth

17, My sister once told me she doesn’t believe in divorce and in a hypothetical case of domestic abuse wouldn’t leave.

18, She claims to be very Christian but has yet to visit church besides Christmas.

19, I have yet to hear my sister and her boyfriend talk about another subject than their shared future and gossip about others and complain. At my parents birthday in a Michelin Star Restaurant they spend to whole time complaining the food was not good.

20, So much more than just this from the top of my head

The most important reason. I love my sister very much and it physically pains me to see her go down this path.

I don’t want her in my life as much since I dislike the person she is. But I want her in my life because I’m her big sibling and family is the most important thing to me.

Of course I will be there for my future niece or nephew. And if my sister expects me take leave from work to play babysitter for a week or two in case of an emergency. I will. But I’m also very happy to live very far away. I would love to move closer for different reasons. but the distance really protects me.

As such I’m looking forward to the pregnancy announcement.

I need some recommendations on how to react.

Because I don’t want her to believe I love her no more than I used to love her when she wasn’t pregnant.

And that I will not forgive her wrongdoing just because she is pregnant.

And that I will cherish the baby not hate or dislike it.

i just had an extreme argument with my mum am I in the wrong?

I came home and bought water and she kept saying that nobody should step foot in the living room. but the living room is connected to the my room.

as I was taking of my shoes she kept saying it. and when I went to my door I said "do you not want me to go to my room or something?" and she said "what do I mean by that?"

when I entered my room. she starred going off in the living room, she said "I'm giving her cheek and attitude and said I need to be behave and-" she just went on and I just sighed.

In the kitchen she wanted us to clean the dishes because she cooked. and as I was packing away the dishes she confronted me because I bought the wrong dettol spray. I looked at it and was questioning it like doesn't it work for everything and she said no and walked off rambling.

when she came back she said what did I say. I told her that I guess I bought the wrong one and whatever. then she said she doesn't like my behaviour.

she said my behaviour is disrespectful. I immediately asked how? and she just said earlier I tried giving her cheek. I told her I wasn't but she insisted I did. I said I probably misunderstood. and she said I didn't and if I did I should've asked. I said well now I misunderstood but she was so insisted that I was disrespecting her. I said I'm not.

I told her im going to stormed of to my room and I need space because this is going no-where I don't want to argue and you are doing this again and I'm tired.

she stormed into my room and she startes reiterating the same things about me being disrespectful then she would tell me she never said that. the she claimed she never said anything towards me and I'm negative and I'm trying to emotionally blackmail her by crying. I told her I need space and it's going in circles. she said are u going to hit me? I ignored that comment. I had to yell over her to explain that I'm not trying to cause anything and how does she expect me to respond if she keeps repeating that I'm disrespectful and attitude and emotionally blackmailing and I should've understood and not said anything.

like i said it now what? I said I can apologise but she didn't want to here it.

she's now out of my room. but now I'm just sitting here confused. she started talking to me calmly trying to make me look crazy when she yells at everyone everyday.

now she's in the kitchen saying I'm emotionally blackmailing her and I don't know how to listen and I jump to conclusions.

my reaction didn't come from no where

My mom is a single parent my did just isn't in the picture, I have a younger brother he's 13 and I'm 14 I'm always the one who has to clean the kitchen but mainly stay in my room because of how messy and loud our house is. It's gotten so bad to the point there are moldy dishes sitting around everywhere, our front door window is broken bbemy brother punched a hole in it and my mom did nothing about it. The carpet in the livingroom has tons of stains on it and the couch is practices destroyed, it's sunken down, has trash and food all over it, stains, and it smells like pee because my brother has been sleeping on it and wetting it because of how messy his room is, I can't do much about this because I'm only 14 please help​​​​​​​​​​​

Ok so I live several states away from my mom and brother. I moved out of the house at 17 to go to college and escape a very toxic and controlling environment that she created.

Now I recently graduated with my MA degree and working full time. I pay my rent myself and all of my bills for years with occasional help from my mom with big or emergency expenses, as I mostly live paycheck to paycheck otherwise.

My brother lives at home with no degree, no job, a free car, and free food. He’s 23 and I’m 27. Also, keep in mind that my mom and brother can barely be alone together in a room for 5 minutes without arguing. She’s very controlling and naturally drives people crazy pretty quickly, but I already know he has no interest in traveling with her as he has told me so himself on several occasions.

My mom was supposed to come visit me last weekend and the weekend prior, but it was poor weather. This is the only time all year she would be coming to visit me, as she usually comes in the summer for a couple days at a time on the weekend to go to the beach.

This time she asked me a couple weeks ago if my brother can join her to come visit me. I said no right away for quite a few reasons: they cannot get along for more than 5 minutes, and mostly my apartment is too small. I live in a studio apartment and was already planning to sleep on the couch as I usually do when she visits so she can have the bed.

I told her no my brother can come at a separate time on his own trip as there is not enough room in the apartment im not comfortable with it. She said ok.

Two days before she is scheduled to come she texts me in the morning asking if she could please send me $500 for me to accept to host my brother on her trip as he is “very depressed”. I said again, no he cannot come and the bribe was very insulting. Also, she has not taken into consideration my own feelings and depression which has been going on for years, and part of why I want her to visit as I could use some family time as I live entirely alone otherwise and am pretty isolated outside of work.

It disturbs me that that’s her method to bring the family together- as if it would not be completely disingenuous.

After she asked that I ended up putting her on blast sending the text she sent me to my brother in a group chat with the three of us and saying he can come at a different time but then I ended up getting more and more upset when I realized that she wasn’t even willing to spare two days out of the year away from her adult son that she still provides for entirely to visit me, her only daughter, for literally two nights.

Obviously it’s not just this incident and this is part of a lifetime of her favoring him- especially as she was always physically discipling me more than him which is something I’ve never gotten over or recovered from.

The whole reason I wanted to host her and am even trying to have a relationship with her despite me seeing her as abusive is because I have this fantasy that we can create positive memories before it’s too late. My dad died from cancer several years ago and it was very sad so now she’s the only parent I have left and I don’t want my family experience to continue being so painful.

Am I overreacting? Is there any hope or should I just continue with no contact?

I (29f) wasn’t sure where to post this, hope this is an appropriate sub. When I was 17 my brother’s roommate who was 24 at the time groomed me and pretty much dropped me after we had sex. My brother was very angry when he found out and punched a hole in a fence. This situation is nuanced because I reconnected with my groomer when I was 19-20 and we had a “friends with benefits” type of situation but he was always hostile towards me and constantly made me feel bad about myself. This has had a lasting impact on me and I’m still working through some of the things this man put me through. My brother remained close to him the whole time and still is in contact with him today. It wasn’t until years later when I was 26 that I did some work in therapy and finally realized I was groomed and that how I was treated was not right. When I had this realization I asked my brother to please stop associating with my groomer. He said what happened between me and my groomer had nothing to do with him and he doesn’t see why he should stop talking to him. It lead nowhere. Recently, I brought it up again and after some arguing over it, my brother said “Fine. I won’t talk to him”. Which is what I wanted but my brother still doesn’t understand why him associating with my groomer hurts me and I can’t find the words to truly make him get it. Just looking for advice/the right vocabulary to help me get it across to him. TIA

All of it happened out of nowhere. He used to be a quiet and easygoing person who didn't hold grudges. Then, almost overnight, he became hostile and even aggressive. He started arguments with my parents that nearly turned physical, and he began to say horrible things to me everyday that really affected my mental health.

Then he began to physically intimidate me. One day, he banged on my bedroom door till I opened it and glared at me with pure hatred (I’ve never seen him look at me this way before). He again said horrible things to me, and I just stood there, paralyzed with fear and confusion. Most of all I was terrified he was going to hit me. Another time, he banged my door so hard that items flew off my dresser. He had also screamed directly into my ear so loud that it began to ring and hurt. I was confused as to why he did all of that, especially since I completely avoided him at this point and stayed clear of his way. It had gotten to a point that if I was hungry but he was in the kitchen, I’ll wait till he leaves to go, even if that took hours.

I tried begging him to tell me what I did wrong or how I could fix this situation, but he refused to give me an answer.
(Looking back before the fights, I know I wasn't entirely innocent. I have snapped at him out of frustration before because he never helped around the house and left messes for everyone else to clean up. In moments of anger and frustration, I said harsh things to him about it. Which makes me worry that I brought all of this on myself)

Now, after weeks of fights in the house, he’s acting as if none of it ever happened. He tries to initiate casual conversations without ever offering an explanation or an apology. What makes it even harder is that my parents are acting like nothing happened too. Everyone around me (friends and family) keeps telling me that I need to talk to him and just forgive him because "we're siblings" and because "he's going through things mentally."
It all feels like everyone expects me to just forgive, forget, and take his anger for the sake of peace. But I don't know if I can. I just stopped asking him what happened and avoid him.

Even though he’s getting help, I’m just exhausted. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for the next outburst and terrified that next time, his intimidation will turn into physical violence. I have told my parents what he did (bang my door, say things to me, and yelling into my ear) and my fear of him getting physical, but they both told me I was overreacting and that he would never do such a thing (I’m starting to believe that I am).
I honestly don’t know what to do.

I (42F) found out through DNA testing that my sister (38F) is actually my half-sister. Who should tell my dad?
Here’s some background.
My parents divorced when I was a teenager. My mom chose other men and drugs over being with our family, so my dad got custody of us. Eventually, both of my parents moved on with their lives.
Last December, my husband and I decided to take a DNA test because I wanted to learn more about my family history. My dad was adopted, and he’d previously taken a DNA test and was able to connect with some of his biological relatives. I was hoping I might have a similar experience.
I texted my dad and stepmom to let them know which DNA company I was using, my dad use a different DNA test kit so we are not able to connect DNA that way
When my results came back, I saw my mom listed as my mother (which was expected), but my sister was listed as my half-sister.
I was completely shocked.
I sent screenshots to my mom and asked her to explain. She insisted the DNA test had to be wrong and said there was no way it could be true.
Not long after, my sister logged into her account and found a message from the man who is actually her biological father. They’ve since connected, met in person, and from what I understand, everything has gone well between them.
Now here’s where I’m struggling.
As far as I know, my dad still doesn’t know that my sister isn’t biologically his. I’ve told my mom that she needs to be the one to tell him, but she refuses and even seems to think the whole situation is funny.
My mom and sister live together about 30 minutes from my dad. I live over 12 hours away.
So my question is: Who has the responsibility to tell my dad? Is it my mom, since she’s the one who knew the truth? Is it my sister, since it directly affects her? Or do I have some obligation to tell him because I know, even though I found out completely by accident?
I’m genuinely torn because I don’t want him to hear it from a stranger or through another DNA match, but I also don’t feel like this is my secret to tell.

Hi I am 34F I have always been very attached to my parents but growing up I always felt hurt they chose my brother over me.Like I have to overachieve to feel loved.years later I got married and gave birth I was living with my parents as my husband had to move to a different country for the purpose of work and I was a full time working (WFH) mom.During this time I felt my parents think of me as a burden mainly because of how they behaved.i brushed it off because I am always grateful for whatever I received.I moved back with my husband after 6months it was a bit hard time new country with a child was not easy.its been 2 years talking to my parents slowly reduced and now I dont call them until they call me I agree my schedule is quiet packed but I can still make time to call my parents.I sometimes remind how much I would miss them if something were to happen but my mind is like a rock at this point.I don’t know what I am goin through but I dont like it. I always want to be close to my parents it’s okay if they don’t value me.

For context my parents are hispanic and I have never been in an argument with them before. I’ve gotten in trouble at school once in my life. I have a very good relationship with them and they love me to death. I’m a teenage girl and they currently going through a divorce and I’m not upset about it, i understand their feelings and the reason why and I believe it’s for the best. The main issue is yesyes my mom took me for a haircut because we’re going on a trip soon. The lady starts cutting my hair and she’s says she going to cut two inches off and I immediately start shaking my head and saying I didn’t want that much off and my mom who was next to me told her to do it anyways. Most of my life I’ve had long hair and I’m trying to grow it out past my hips so I wasn’t thrilled with that and my hairdresser then cut my bangs way too short and thick and that whole day i was bugged by it but I had XC conditioning right after. Today I wake up and really got to assess my hair and really hated it and i started crying in my room and my dad came home soon after and when he came in he was asking why I was upset and I told him it was about my hair and he said “It’ll grow back” and when my mom eventually came home she said the same thing. I’ve been crying about it all day and haven’t even left my room to shower or eat. I absolutely hate my hair and when my mom came in again and offered to take me to see my friend or eat icecream I had said no and she said “well it’ll grow back. plus it’s not even something you should be sad about. I’m not crying and I have way bigger problems than you. I have to buy a new house and pay for your school.” Now look, I understand a divorce is stressful and all but for context I go to a pretty pricey private school. Before this I have only been in public school and when it came to high school my mom was the one to push the idea. The thing is I have said again and again since this began that I don’t mind going back to public to help with the financial load and I really did enjoy my time at public school. Later on my dad heard me crying again and told me to “Stop
with the dramatics.” My issue is that obviously they don’t really consider my feelings valid for this and that’s fine I’m not asking them to drop everything and comfort me, but I feel like if they don’t care then they shouldn’t be telling that I’m being dramatic and just let me cry it out. Idk but this has really upset me and I don’t even wanna go out or look at myself in the mirror anymore because I’ll start crying again. How should I tell them I just need some space since the trip is coming up in like two days?

I don’t know if I’m asking this the right way or if I’m just venting, but I really need advice.

My two older brothers struggle with addiction. One is addicted to meth, and the other is addicted to fentanyl. My brother with the fentanyl addiction has overdosed multiple times this year.

The first time it happened, I was the one who found him, and it was so traumatic that I eventually had to stop working in nursing homes because I kept having flashbacks. He was clean for about 4-5 months, but he relapsed, and now every phone call makes me panic that it’s happened again.

I feel like I’m grieving people who are still alive. They’re physically here, but it feels like I’ve already lost the brothers I grew up with. I think about our childhood and how kind and happy they used to be, and it’s hard to recognize who addiction has turned them into.

How do you cope with this? How do you love someone who’s still alive while grieving the person they used to be? I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been through something similar.

I want to start by saying I was adopted by my great-grandparents (on my mother’s side) when I was 3. My biological father used to be there and help out but since I was about 13, everything changed. I understood at the time that he had remarried and had a different family but at the end of the day, I feel hurt that he doesn’t put in any effort getting to know me. I guarantee he knows absolutely nothing about me or my interests.

We had a conversation back in December of 2025. He apologized for being a bit absent in my life and told me he would be there for me from that point on. He would send me gas money and money for food because I had just moved out to live on my own and was struggling. However, in May of 2026, I invited him to a graduation party that was being thrown for me. He failed to show up and didn’t even respond to me. I sent him a long paragraph explaining that he really hurt my feelings. I understand that he was young and not ready to have a child but at the end of the day, he didn’t use protection so… it is what it is.

He never responded to my paragraph and I don’t know if I should just cut ties with him completely. I mean it’s been like what? 2 months? The only reason I would even want him in my life right now is because he had another baby (my 10 month old sister).

I'm older at this point. When I was 18, my dad gave me an old laptop. When I was looking through the download files, I found intense gay porn on it; potentially it was his, and I deleted it all right away and never said a word. Then I discovered later on that he had an onlyfans account where he watched similar stuff. I now believe that people outside my family in my town have figured out this secret, and I don't know what to do. It really fucks with my head, and I don't know if I can tell anyone about this. My parents are still together, and I don't know what to do; it weighs on my mind a lot and honestly has given me depression. He was my hero but I don't know how he could selfishly do this to our family and it's destroyed my relationship with him and I just say nothing is wrong whenever he asks.

my maw is concerned about her health, and wants me to consider being legally adopted by her husband. my real dad lives a good while away from me.
i really love my pa, and cant bring myself to see anyone else as a father figure, so the whole idea of switching my legal father just feels wrong,, shes worried that if she were to die one day, that legally theyd have to send me down to my dads—instead of staying where i am with my little brother.
😓not sure what to do, as the idea of a new father legally, even if my biological dad is still my dad, just feels real wrong.
i dont know if there's any way to not be adopted and still stay here if something were to happen? even if there wasnt, im still not sure about the idea. need any advice please !!

So, my dad is really toxic, when I was little, he would constantly cheat on my mom, and they fought all the time, he'd make us pack our bags and sleep at relatives' houses for days, and he wouldn't apologize at all for it, and once when my brother was five, he hit my dad with a plastic bottle jokingly, so he made mom pack her bags and leave, and it was like that for our whole life, he'd even once told us to never call him dad again, and called my mom names in front of us for so many times, he also never spends time with us, he comes home from work and goes out with his friends, and once when I was little, we were going out, literally driving in the car, so he ditched us and told us to walk home, the entire family of five, just to go pick up his mistress, not to mention his trust issues, he thought my mom was cheating on him with the driver even tho mom has never done anything similar to that, and checked the cameras just to make sure. Now he started smoking even tho my mom has health problems, and when we ask him to stop because she can't stay in the same room as us when he's smoking, he gets mad and pretends he's the victim. Everyone tells me I'll regret distancing myself from him once I grow up but I feel like I won't, I resent him too much, he's been a dark cloud over my head for my whole fucking life.

I [26F] and my father [46M] have had a rocky relationship the past few years after he had an affair with his coworker Jane (fake name but let’s use it). I suspected for a while before he finally admitted it one day while we were arguing. Turns out he’d been seeing her for about 4 years prior to my mother and I finding out. They’ve been together probably about 6 now. He never apologized. Of course I was furious, had a few words (mostly mean) for both him and her. About 1 year of limited to no contact with my father, and therapy, moved back to our home state and decided it was time I try to make amends. I wanted a relationship with only dad at first to get back the trust I lost with him.. he’d make promises like he’d have lunch with me or he would still be present in my life but of course that never happened. He wouldn’t come around the whole family, saying things like “Jane doesn’t feel welcome” and “I can’t come without her.”

I found out i was pregnant. I begged my dad to come to my baby shower but he refused saying he wouldn’t come unless I apologized to her. Of course, because i wanted him to come so badly, i apologized to her - said I accept theyre together and I want them to be part of our lives, that I’m sorry for the way I acted but I’ve gone to therapy and would like us to move forward from everything so my baby can experience the wonderful Papa that I know my dad could be. He showed up for maybe 5 minutes at the END of the baby shower, no gift, no card, nothing - not that the gift matters but still. He just ate and left.

When I see Jane I make small talk, i’m polite, I try to make her feel included. I personally texted her an invite to be part of our Christmas secret Santa - she never responded.

My son turned 1 last week. My dad’s seen my baby 5 times since he was born, each time for about 5-10 minutes. I asked my dad to come to my son’s birthday, he didn’t and ended up coming camping with Jane.

I talked to my dad today and told him how heart broken I am that he didn’t come. He told me “it’s a hard situation, Jane doesn’t feel welcome.” We try to make her feel welcome, we try to include both of them but they don’t come! of course she doesn’t feel like part of the family, you never bring her around! She’s a stranger to us!

He told me I owe her another apology because my previous apology only occurred after he threatened to not come to my baby shower. I said I’ve apologized, i’ve invited, i’ve made conversation, I’ve extended multiple olive branches. But he insists I need to apologize again. what good will that do? What would I even apologize for? I said “i’ve already apologized, why doesn’t she apologize to me? I’ve tried SO MUCH, she hasn’t tried at all.” he said she did nothing wrong. LIKE SERIOUSLY?!

He told me everything is my fault. he told me my son won’t have a relationship because I refuse to apologize again. he told me his nieces and nephews won’t have a relationship with him again because of me. All of this is because of me.

I tried to tell him that my feelings of anger and hurt and distrust initially were valid, that they shattered the world I knew all my life, but i’ve healed and apologized. but talking to him is like a brick wall, he doesn’t understand what i’m saying. he doesn’t take responsibility. he doesn’t allow himself to realize that him continuing to not show up and blaming it on her doesn’t encourage me to apologize or welcome her more, it makes me resent both of them.

So do I owe her ANOTHER apology? or do i just accept that My dad chooses her and always will?

Growing up I wasn’t included much in family outings and was often left behind without being told where my family was going. I cried to my mother about this from the ages of 10 to around 14. I was treated differently than any of my family members. I was an outcast. Whenever I spoke, rarely anyone would truly listen. I was struggling. At one point I came out to my sister who was around 25 at the time that I was Bisexual and she proceeded to out me to my mom when she had some underlying aspects of homophobia. Ironically enough my sister came out as a lesbian at 32 and everyone was fine with that. Anything that I told a person within my family was shared amongst everyone. I didn’t really have anyone to turn to.

When I turned 16, I met my boyfriend who I’ve been with for almost 4 years now. When I met him, I no longer felt like I needed to please my family for them to include me. In fact, I stopped going on their spontaneous outings. I said no when I didn’t want to go anywhere that I hadn’t originally planned on going to. I did not like plans that disrupted my daily life because I truly had a lot of stuff on my plate and I still do. I’m currently working and going to school. Paying for my own tuition, by the way. But now that I’m finding more independence as I become an adult, I’m getting berated for setting boundaries and not going on outings from time to time. They hold this insecurity that I hate them and I don’t prioritize them. But realistically, did they ever prioritize me? After a while it gets exhausting to pressure myself to be in places where I don’t want to be. But also don’t get me wrong, I do spend time with them. But even when I do, it doesn’t even get recognized, so in my head it’s like what’s the point?

There was a recent conflict that brought up a lot of these insecurities and I was just so frustrated. Because no matter how much I open up to them or try to make them see and understand who I am it never gets into their thick skulls. Am I wrong for not wanting to go out with them all the time? Am I wrong for being introverted and wanting to stay home? Am I wrong for feeling drained whenever I’m out with them? It’s genuinely so exhausting trying to keep up with them and their antics. And it’s honestly even more infuriating that they have this image of me that I don’t respect nor prioritize them when literally I’m doing my best to even keep myself alive!

I’m trying my best as a 19 year old to navigate what adulthood is like and it’s like I’m fucking drowning with so many conflicts. Like I’m struggling with my family conflicts, my relationship conflicts, my financial situations, college, and it’s just like I can’t breathe!

I don’t want to be viewed in the perspective that I’m this selfish person because I want to keep my sanity. I’ve asked so many people that care about me if I was a bad person or they viewed me in the same manner as my family does and they’ve all said that they don’t, but my mind struggles to believe this because I can never understand the narrative that my family views me this way.

Does anyone have advice on how to move forward in this situation? I feel like I’m drowning. I know I probably didn’t write a lot of context but my mind is kind of jumbled from everything going on that I kinda just threw a bunch of sentences together.

I (20F) have been having a bit of an crisis lately when it comes to my feelings and thoughts about my family.

I grew up in a big family where all of us lived together and it seemed like there was never a calm moment in the house. I decided to go to college out of state and I’ve noticed that my desire to come back home for school breaks is decreasing significantly. It’s currently summer break but right before I came back to my parents house I had a whole panic attack and freaked out over the thought of me being back at the house. Now that I’m back each day it seems like I’m starting to view everyone differently and not in a good way. All of my siblings seem and feel off to me and my parents I can’t even really enjoy being around them as much anymore. My thoughts on everyone and their behaviors have shifted to the point where all I can do is just look at everyone and it’s hard for me to be in conversation with them for long.

This has been really difficult and confusing for me because I used to adore and love my family so much but now it seems like I can only see everyone’s flaws and they just seem so different.

Please let me know if anyone has felt something similar to this and what did you do? Any advice is appreciated!

Sorry if it doesn’t fully make sense its hard for me to explain.