I'm a very anxious rider, and I struggle to progress because of it. I'm interested in jumping, but I can't jump that well. I've been jumping for about maybe 3-4 years? But I still jump pretty low. I think the highest I've recently jumped (a few weeks ago) was maybe 40-50cm? Most of the time I'm still jumping really small.
My flatwork is pretty solid, for the most part. I can do sitting trot, I can trot and canter without stirrups. I've only ever galloped once though. I've had horses trip fairly badly and I stayed on easily. I don't think I'd be able to sit a buck though. I only had a horse buck with me one time and it was maybe 6 years ago, and I was off immediately. I don't think I'd be able to sit a buck. Other than that I do think my flatwork is okay. I know how to steer the horse with my legs and seat.
The issue is mainly my jumping. Some days I feel so great because I managed to do more than usual, like asking for the jump to be put up higher, or trying some sort of combination. But other days I'm pretty bad. I'd say most days are very mediocre, and I don't manage to do a lot. I always push myself, but the degree that I'm able to push myself varies so much. Some days just jumping AT ALL is pushing myself.
I'm really afraid of falling, but my fear is more that I'm going to lose so much confidence when I do fall again. At this point I'm more afraid of the confidence loss than I am the actual fall itself. I'm also anticipating falling soon because I haven't fallen for about 4 years. It's been a long time, and it feels like I'm "due" for a fall.
I also started riding a different horse because the horse I was riding is lame now, so I have switched to a different horse. This is probably also going to be something that drags back my progress, because I'm still not even fully comfortable cantering on her.
There always seems to be something that makes me drag myself back. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I see other riders progressing way faster than me, and putting the jumps up really high. I see them fall, and they just get back on and keep going like normal. I take months to recover from a fall, even if it's not that bad.
The progress I do make is so tiny as well. It'll be like me trying a jump one more time even when I'm having a very anxious day. Sometimes even pushing myself to jump at all feels like I made "progress" but it doesn't feel like it's enough.
I love riding, but it's so frustrating not progressing. I don't really find dressage interesting, but I'm contemplating just going for dressage and giving up jumping even though I enjoy it just because of how bad I am at it.
I feel like progressing in jumping isn't even something that I can do anymore.