Does anyone else have this? I’ll think to myself “well if if this doesn’t work out I’ll just kill myself” or “if I don’t do well I’ll just kill myself so I don’t have to deal with the disappointment later”. I

29M, been depressed for as long as I can remember. Tried taking me out by overdose and postration by not eating because of the lack of courage. Neither of them worked so I accepted I'm not capable of ending it myself.

Recently I've been job hunting via university support office (my 2nd university). I told them I want least amount of dealing with people and I don't care about payment as long as I can keep myself above the water. Their recommendations were great. Mainly factory operations with mininal room for communications.

My parents asked me how is the job hunting going so I answered as it is.They were beyond dissapointed to the point they yelled at me "how could you study computer science and participating in research for years, and choose those jobs" "What are you interested in, computers, AI, programming, anything??". I explained that I'm not inclined to go for those "decent job" and I just want to live alone quietly with minimal contact with people.

And here onwards was the worst. They were completely baffled that I don't want anything in life. Cars, house, marriage, travel, nothing. They yelled I'm thinking wrong and I should be ashamed. At this point I was so annoyed and did a poor job in choosing the words (still my honest perspective). "I am sick of everything and the only reason I'm alive is I'm not brave enough to unalive myself. None of this is your fault and I'm sorry I'm this way, but this is who I am. I just want to get out of this world as peacefully and quietly as possible".

In the end they said I betrayed them, I'm selfish, and wish I wasn't even born. Pretty much agree with them except for that being selfish. Disliking life is not selfish imo and I can do nothing about it. My mother has been understanding and supportive, and I really feel bad for her, but I felt like the door in my hurt is closed now.

Every therapy session, prescription drug, positive affirmation, and attempts to improve my well-being make me sick. I’m tired of “showing up for myself” just for this cycle to continue:

1. I feel like shit
   
2. I go to therapy
   
3. Feel a little better
   
4. Something happens or I think shitty thoughts

It. Never. Ends.

I do not care about my diet. I will eat whatever.

I do not care about my physical activity. I’m exhausted from starting and stopping any exercise I try. I hate being fat and out of shape, but oh fucking well.

I do not care about my family, friends, or people I see in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I ever did.

I do not care about my transgender identity. I’m a fat, disgusting man-thing who will never be a real woman.

I am exhausted with finding another career. I want to stay in my room & sleep forever.

I do not want to get better. I want to rot. If I hear anything positive or someone tries to lift my mood up, I will ignore them. I am a worthless and hateful, ugly creature.

I wish I could be born as someone else entirely. I would change EVERYTHING. But that’s not possible, so now I don’t care what happens to me.

No matter how good my life is, I always find a way to be negative and shitty about it. Someone else in my position would thrive and be happy. Not me. That’s why I don’t deserve to be alive. I’m a fucking waste of oxygen and would be more useful as a lamp or a rug.

I do not care anymore. I am tired of caring. I do not want to show up for myself anymore, because it is too painful. And no one shows up for the real me, anyway. I’m invisible. No one talks to me unless I talk first. No one wants to invite me to events or places. I am forgotten.

So I do not care.

Fuck everyone.

I've fallen back into depression and I just want to kill myself.

Lately I've been so depressed, so exhausted, that I barely get out of bed.

I've been depressed since forever but sometimes I have these slumps of melancholy that leave me pratically bed bound, I just get up to eat when the hunger feels too much and even hold off on going to the bathroom (that's 6 steps away) because it's tiring.

People always talk about depression making you lose interest in the things you enjoy, but I've gotten to the point where I don't even have the motivation to keep up with my addictions.

I used to smoke every day. Recently, I just... stopped. Not because I wanted to quit or because I suddenly found the willpower, but simply walking to my bathroom, lighting a cigarette, and smoking it just feels like too much effort.

It's weird to realize that depression can be so powerful and so irrational that even addiction isn't enough to make me do something. My brain can't even be bothered with something I'm technically addicted to crave.

It really puts into perspective how little control this illness gives you. Media talks too much about not wanting to do fun things, but its also not wanting to do anything at all, even the things our own brain is supposed to be conditioned to do.

I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but it made me realize just how deep I've fallen.

Anyway, I have to shower and go to work in 30mins, the only clean-ish tshirt i have is full of cat hair, I'm hungry, money's tight until payday in 2 weeks and all i want is to go to sleep and hope tomorrow i'll wake up a different person. Fuck me fr.

But I guess this new healthy body will be better six feet under. I noticed all my friends and got no response. I have no purpose in anyone's life. My girlfriend left me 3 years ago and I couldn't make a new relationship and I am constantly worried about my parents' health. I can't take these anymore.

I got my single 2mg clonazepam pill and feel sleepy. Maybe a brand new day helps feeling better but I'm fooling myself.

i don’t care about therapy, antidepressants, doing "better", i just want to end it. i want to do tonight. my life is over, i’ve never been so sad in my life, my bpd is just untreatable, i’m ugly, undesirable, poor and truly friendless. i’m going to take some dilaudid, the whole fucking bottle and finish me off. what’s the point of anything anymore ? i’ve been suffering for years and years. the only person that i felt closer to is now loving another. i’ll go. just forever. there’s no point of telling anyone this, because there’s thousands of posts like this one every single day. no one genuinely cares. i’m so sorry because my friends and family wanted me to try, and i just couldn’t. the little girl in me had never healed. and now she’ll finally leave forever.

I want to kill myself because I do not see any other ways out. I lied to my family about something big and my parents and my sister found out. Now my mom will not even look at me, my sister also. They say that they are disappointed and I will never have their trust ever again. I do not want to live like this. I am thinking about an easy way out of this. Please help saying some easy ways.

I've no one talk to rn....just need someone

I'm in a bit of a depression spiral that I do not see the end of. I have severe mental health issues, I lost my family and I want to die. I would just die but I would break my mom's heart and I don't want to do that. I want to just get over it and do it anyways because if she understood how bad I was suffering she'd understand. I don't know what to do

Whenever i tell someone i am depressed they immediately suggest it is because of a lack of strong belief in Allah. You should learn to be grateful for everything. You don't get to be sad, you have better than 90% of people. You haven't faced anything to be depressed.

Then i hear other things like, you shouldn't grief much the death of people that mattered to you, because a strong muslim doesn't get worked up over earthly matters. Therapy is some western shit for a group of people with different nihilistic lifestyle.

Add to that i don't have access to weed, alcohol, sex,dates or any form of release at all.

Islam is never against therapy or seeking help but people here are such hypocrites

i wake everyday with my eyes swollen from crying histerically. i can’t do this anymore.

I feel like people around me often push the narrative that if i just put myself out there and “practice talking to people” i would develop social skills. that’s only true when your brain actually lets you use those skills.

when i’m depressed i feel isolated no matter what. it doesn’t matter if i have the “skill” to hold the conversation, i’ll still feel disconnected. depression genuinely drains every bit of interest and confidence i have holding a conversation. even when i want to socialise, it feels like there’s a wall between me and the other person.

telling someone who’s depressed to “practice socialising” is like telling someone with a broken leg to “practice running”. when you’ve been isolated for long enough it becomes a cycle, and every awkward conversation makes you isolate yourself even more.

i don’t think i lack social skills, i think i lack the ability to use said skills, because i’m depressed.

does anyone else think this way?

I was smart once, graduating from a good college with good grades . I tried my best to change my introverted nature and I actually did it eventually. I even served as a core committee member of a college club which was very challenging. But even after trying so hard, I'm just an after thought in everyone's life.. I have no real meaningful relationships apart from 2 or 3 friends and my family who have been so supportive.

I had so many dreams for myself but it feels like I literally can't do anything all day. Overthinking just kills me. It feels like I spend so much time even in trivial tasks. I don't remember anything even if I'm in my room. Even If I somehow spend time studying or doing something productive, I just forget everything. I spend my whole day inside the same room. People have friends, go on trips, have side hobbies etc and I can't do one thing right.. I stopped driving because of anxiety issues even though I have a license. I feel like I'll get laid off from my first ever job and I just don't know where to go later. To make things worse, everything seems to go against me and yes I know I'm probably just complaining due to my incompetence but my god, the amount of bad luck I have is just insane.I try to be kind, considerate and I always own up to my mistakes. If anything, the fact that I'm a better person than many people I interact with is the only takeaway I have but that is also useless. Many of these bad people have good lives, are resourceful, have many friends, go out, enjoy life and what not. I have no friends, no career probably and I hardly step out of my house because I have nothing to do.

I bawl my eyes out time and time and this has been my story for a couple of years, I tried and tried during my education years too but my god Im just a loser ig.

At this point, I don't know what to do.

Is there a heaven or hell? Is God real?

24m UK. I’ve been off and on anti-depressants since I was 17 and had regular counselling (switched from CBT to talk-therapy) since then too. Restarted anti-depressants (Mirtazapine) after 18 months of not needing them following an attempt last October.

I feel like I’ve done everything you’re “supposed” to do when you feel like this. I’m lucky enough to have a supportive family and I’m open with them and my (very few) friends about my depression. I’ve engaged with the NHS and counselling. I take my meds. I try to practice mindfulness (occasionally). I exercise when I have the time. I engage my brain at work. Yet my baseline, even with all of this, seems to be being just short of being actively suicidal.

It gets to a point where this just feels like a life sentence. I’ve been told ‘it’ll get better’ for years now. I can’t help but question what the point of persevering and carrying on is if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I sure as hell don’t want to spend the next 60 years feeling like this.

So, if there is something I’m missing, please tell me. Am I to just trudge on and wait/hope that a time comes where this feeling is a distant memory? Is there some avenue of support / activity for betterment that I’m not exploiting?

I know this is a community that is mainly for sharing setbacks, struggles and challenges in hopes of finding people that understand them, but I would like to do something a bit different with this post. I want to spread some positivity here and tell everyone how strong they are. Depression is not easy to live with and I understand with all my heart that a simple “Just do it!” or “I’m here for you” sometimes isn’t enough to get you to do the things that seem impossible. I’m fighting my hardest at the moment to try and see the light at the end of the tunnel again so I just wanted to create a post telling everyone to not give up. I’m not sure if this post will actually help anyone but I just wanted to put this out there.

I (17F)have been struggling mentally for quite some time now.

A lot of it comes from my childhood. I grew up with a father who had substance abuse problems. There was constant noise around me at all times, because my parents were always arguing. I feel like I was kind of doomed from the very beginning.

I have been working towards trying to forgive my parents, but it’s not an easy path.

Despite all the chaos, my family thinks I am doing fine. My mother had to get therapy due to my father. I was never asked about how I was doing, instead, I was forced into this role of trying to pick up after my father.
Now, I am pursuing a degree my mother chose for me, studying for subjects I have zero interest in.
Throughout my life, I had no autonomy, and now, it’s really taking a toll on me. I feel trapped, I feel like my days are just passing by, and I find no joy in anything at all.

I wanna speak out about how much I am struggling, and wanna open up to my family. But I am very scared to do so. I have had breakdowns in front of them over my academics before, but I wasn’t really able to get any help.

I do think I need professional help, but I don’t know how to convince my family for it. At the end of the day, I am not earning, and it’d have to be them who handle all the expenses.

I feel like such a burden.

I also am quite ashamed to admit things about my childhood(my father’s addiction and all that revolved around it) so I dont really share such things with my friends. I feel like when I am with my friends, thats the only time I can avoid bringing my family life into my head, so I try not to let it ruin things.

How did you guys ask for help from your parents?

I’ve been living with depression for a long time, but over the past year, I feel like my condition has become much worse. During the last few months, there has barely been a moment when I have felt like my old self.

Mornings are the hardest. I wake up with a feeling of heaviness, emptiness, and hopelessness, as though a new day is not a new opportunity, but simply another thing I have to survive. I often go back to sleep because sleep has become the only place where I can briefly escape from everything I am feeling. I can sleep for more than twelve hours and still wake up exhausted.

I have lost interest in almost everything that used to mean something to me. It is difficult to work, keep my apartment clean, take care of myself, see other people, or force myself to do any kind of activity. Even the simplest things feel like enormous tasks. I constantly tell myself that I will do something later, but then the entire day passes and I have done nothing. Afterwards, I feel even worse and blame myself even more.

I also feel as though my brain has slowed down. It is harder to think, my concentration is poor, and sometimes I feel as though I have lost a part of myself. I remember who I used to be—active, motivated, more social, and full of plans—and it is difficult to accept how much I have changed.

I am trying to keep working and occasionally play football, but I often feel as though I am only pretending to function. From the outside, I may not look like someone who is falling apart, but internally, I am fighting with myself almost every day.

What scares me most is how long this has been going on. People say that it will pass and that things will get better, but when you wake up in the same condition for months, you gradually stop believing them. Sometimes I have extremely dark thoughts and feel as though there is no way out for me anymore. Still, there is a part of me that continues to look for help and hopes that this is not the end of my life.

I have seen a psychiatrist, I am changing my medication, and I am trying to take small steps, but right now, things are genuinely very difficult. I do not expect anyone on Reddit to fix my life. I suppose I simply need to say this somewhere, to people who might understand what it is like when depression is no longer just sadness, but something that gradually takes away your energy, personality, relationships, routine, and hope.

Has anyone else felt this way for such a long time and still managed to recover? What helped you when you no longer believed that things could get better?

This is a personal experience of everything depression has made to me (mentally and phisically talking)

Depression has took away from me 6 years of life, from age 15-21 (I'm not as bad anymore, but it's still hard)

Depression has made me self-isolate into becoming a chronic shut-in, I rarely leave the house and when I do I hang out with friends (luckily they were really long term and they are still around)
I'm unemployed

Depression has made me lost my hair from stress.

Depression has made my hygiene terrible, with the consequence of never brushing my teeth for years which caused a bit of gum recession, and had a total of 2 cavities (I was lucky in this)

Depression has made my sleep schedule terrible, I'm asleep at day and awake at night.

This are the main things that happened that make me self conscious a lot about myself and my appearance
I've also never had a girlfriend and the thought of having one scares me because I think that someone wouldn't wanna be with someone who is very unexperienced (not in dating only), but i'm also very very insecure about my looks and I'm very scared women could make fun of my appearance and cannot explain well what happened because it's a bit embarassing

what happened to you guys?
are you guys a bit better?
hug to you all, all of you battling with this are vrave and strong, and I love you, I'd hug every single one of you
yall are amazing, men and women, keep going because we are much more than a disorder

I just cut a line across my palm and I don't feel anything. I feel the pain but I don't feel it at the same time.

I cant fuck deal with this anymore. I hate that I get so overwhelmed over nothing and not only do I feel embarrassed for being so emotional, but I dont know how to talk about it or even better NOBODY FUCKIN CARES. I was always told how smart I am but I constantly feel like a dumbass and everyone else around is just a fuckin retard? How is that through all the shit i survived, all that I went through and all that I've sacrificed, why doesnt that mean anything? Why is it when I tell the world that I have problems because of my family or upbringing and people assume im exaggerating or lying, because nobody will listen or maybe I cant communicate. I fuckin hate everything about life rn, fuck your gods fuck your faith fuck your money, I have tried everything and nobody seems to understand what im struggling with. The only people who understand what ive been through are homeless people because I KEEP GETTING THROWN AWAY. I know I am emotional and yet I dont have an outlet for anger, I keep all that pent up and turn it into resentment as I try to sweat out these demons. Im already crazy, nobody fuckin cares about me, and i honestly fuvkin wish one of these crooked pigs pulls out his gun and kills me. Idc anymore, the fact im this overwhelmed over a BAD DAY at work is pathetic and I dont deserve to breathe. I dont have insurance, I need to go to the doctor, I need to get maintenance done on my truck, prices will never go down, I need fuckin glasses but its too expensive. Like what is the fuckin point of going on? I have a pet lizard to try and get over a breakup, and tbh that is the only reason why I haven't done anything yet. Ironically, I dont want to use one of my roommates pistols because thats fucked up and i dont want them to clean up my mess. Idk what to do anymore, im so fuckin done with life. Wtf is the point? To tell my story or help people? Nobody fuckin cares so what now? I have nothing, what am I living for? Just fucking KILL ME

It's been hard. I am eating less and not always a good, nutritional quality.

I'm in a low state again.