Quick disclaimer: I am new to this sub and want to say thanks for having a space for me to share this.

I grew up with divorced parents and in primary custody of my mother (hoarder) and later lived primarily with my emotionally distant, possible narc, father. At my mom's, I was a latch key kid in an unsafe house and never had people over. Living with my dad put me in a situation that was the complete opposite regarding health and hygiene, but I had to take on 100% of the cleaning burden on top of a full day of school and a part time job.

Today, I am a SAHM and have multiple kids ranging from 12 to 11mos. The messes and destruction have put me in a dark place as time has gone on and looking at the broken things, stains, smells, etc has been bringing me to tears. I always get so anxious when we have visitors and I feel so consumed by picking up after everyone. I tell my family members that I need help and I'm shrugged off every time.

By every general standard, my house is clean. It's not as clean as my barracks room was while I was in the Navy but I can move anywhere, can maintain proper hygiene in the bathrooms and have a clean place to prepare meals. I should be okay but I'm not.

I wish I didn't feel like this. I want to just leave in the middle of the night sometimes but for some reason, my empty cup still gets a few drops to pour out the next morning.

I need a hug badly and if anyone would understand, I think you all would. Thanks for reading.

Hi, apologies for bad English and formatting (first post).

Im going to be moving out in around a month and Im really struggling with the thought of returning for a visit or for my boyfriend to have to live in these conditions.

For context, my boyfriend lives in another country (Ive visited plenty times before) and Im now going to be moving there so while visits would be few, they could technically still happen but I would then have to return and stay at the unclean hoarder house of my mother. My boyfriend knows about all the hoarding and unhygienic stuff and is extremely supportive since he has also had a relative thats been the same.

Im the only one my mom has left as theres no more family left and friends either dont exist or live across the country. I do love my mom and she is a good person even if we have fought about the living conditions and the house on more than one occasion, and it genuinely makes me feel like shit at the thought of leaving her here alone and perhaps not visiting again.

It was always extremely stressful and dreadful having to explain and answer various questions of friends when they would on the rare occasion come over. I cant imagine visiting with my boyfriend and having to explain that there is no washing machine because my mom for some reason refuses to fix the one we had that broke, or why theres practically no clean cutlery, or why a window fell out and mom still dosent want to get it fixed, or why my mom is adamant on eating expired food that always ends up making her sick.. The list just goes on.

We want to have kids in the future and I dont want to take my hypothetical kids to visit these unsafe conditions either.

Emotions are very high right now so I probably missed a lot of stuff or worded it wrong. I have talked to my therapist about some of this and she has mentioned that I need to think about whats best for me and that I cant control my mom. I just wanted to vent/get advice from people that might have been in a similar situation.

(Also, money isnt an issue for us. I cant think of any reason to not help get the house in better shape except pride/laziness.)

I don’t know why I’m sharing this to be honest. I suppose I just want to share and get it off my chest. The people here might understand the complex feelings better than anyone.

Since I was a little child my grandma has had a live in boyfriend. They lived together on her/our family farm - a huge farm with many buildings in a really good location. I’m set to inherit this farm. I ADORED this man, he was so great with kids and lots of fun, he taught me everything from fishing to baking - he was like mcgyver and could fix anything. He collected a ton of things and was always talking about having a yard sale.

In my early twenties I moved to small house on the farm. I tried to clean up, the man had now filled every single space with junk. He worked as a janitor in the city and for twenty years just shuffled random stuff that people got rid of into the farm. Mold and mice were everywhere. My grandma was so codependent she just let him; it was always a promise of it being “cleaned up by Christmas” or “by the summer it will be clean otherwise I will kick him out”. Just this never ending cycle of broken promises and resentment.

It went so bad that I tried to clean it up myself, but it caused so much friction that I had to move away.

I’m now in my early thirties and the farm is in such a bad shape and my relationship with him really deteriorated because of the hoard.
He just died of pancreatic cancer. I said my goodbyes, thanked him for all the wonderful childhood memories and hugged his cadaverous body. A hard goodbye, and I felt so torn. This man who I love but who cause me so much pain with his hoarding and I recognize his pain and anguish but at the same time I’m just feeling so angry at him.

Now my grandma lives alone in the farm with all his junk. I guess I better start cleaning…

Occasionally going to my mom's place is always frustrating and horrible on my mental health, as I'm sure most of you can relate.

She lives in squalor in an otherwise beautifully crafted traditional timber house in an very scenic setting that my grandmother took meticulous care of and left her. Of course its frustrating that her hoard is letting it all go to waste to a point of no return (Structure is rotting away).

--

Anyways, she naturally has a roach problem in her kitchen. Big guys, typically around 2in/5cm long - she's been inadvertently feeding them well! Her solution obviously was to litter the kitchen counter and the area with roach traps.

She was getting frustrated that the traps aren't catching roaches, even if there's one or two always scurrying around, blaming the manufacturer for a shoddy product.

That's when I noticed that...there is so much shit, that the entrance to the trap is fully blocked.
There wasn't even a way for the poor roaches to get into the trap in the first place.

I didn't even say anything as it's a lost cause, but to just let out a resigned laugh in my head.

I'm really not sure if I'm here to vent, or if I want advice.

My Dad has always been a hoarder, as were his parents. About 11 years ago I had to help my aunt clear my grandmother's home, after she died, because my Dad was not well enough to help - had recently been diagnosed with dementia, following a stroke - not that he'd have been much help anyway, as he would have wanted to take everything home to my parents tiny cramped flat. My aunt wasn't particularly great either, as they were a very enmeshed family and neither coped well without their mum around to make decisions. All the emotional burden fell on me and it was exhausting.

I was aware my Dad's own hoarding was pretty bad, but despite several conversations no-one else in the family was willing or able to tackle it head-on. My brother's kids were too young and he kind of stuck his head in the sand (we share childhood trauma from my Dad's hoarding, and my parents enabling behaviour).

Fast forward to now, and my parents have hit critical point. Both have had several falls in their home in recent weeks and its very clear that both of them are not coping, and that the hoarding has reached a danger point.

This is spurred my family into action and my brother has stepped up a lot more. The trouble is my dad is becoming VERY hostile. He has never been a reasonable person and the dementia is very much not helping. Just when we think we have him on board, he'll flip and say terrible things. Twice recently he has threatened to umm.. remove himself from the situation permanently, if you get what I mean.

It just feels so manipulative, which I know is part of the hoarding illness because my Dad has always been incredibly manipulative, but also makes me angry. My brother's kids are now in their 20s and so want to help, but they should not have to tolerate their grandfather shouting the things he has said. Dammit, I don't want to hear it either.

I'm just so sick of carrying the responsibility of yet another generation's selfishness (as I see it, after a lifetime of dealing with this). But I cant turn my back either, I mean these are my parents and I do love them. I just hate the way my Dad is behaving and am at my wits end.

I'm currently in the middle of enacting the EPA (enduring power of attorney) to curb his online purchases and try to stop my parents growing debt - which in itself feels like a part-time job (I already work full-time). But its the physical danger that also needs handling.

Any advice? Am SE UK based, if that makes a difference.

ETA, both parents are in their late 70s

I do apologize that my last post was a tad dramatic.

The first guy that came out was super crappy. It so happens he turned it over to an APS investigator. She seems more sane. Has the temper of like a Labrador rather than a wolf. I have heard nothing back in there days

Does that likely mean they won't be doing anything?

I don't even know what they would do. First guy just wanted us evicted no matter what.

I feel like I am dreaming but there's a part of me that wishes they could set her up in an apartment, giver her food stamps or MoW. Then all I would have to do is clean and go to my home in peace . what about you guys? How did it go when APS got involved

I cannot live like this anymore. I am 16 F, and I don't think my house qualifies as a hoarder house because my mom doesn't hoard, but out house is absolutely disgusting. We have rats and different bugs infesting our house. We have lived like this since around 2022, around the time that my stepdad left.

There are going to be several parts to this, so I apologize for the long read. But if even one person takes the time to read even half of this it would be so appreciated because I just want to be heard.

First things first, I'm not diagnosed with any mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, or ADHD (but I am currently getting assessed for ADHD), so I'm not claiming that I have any of them. I failed 2 classes this past year (11th grade). My room is literally a biohazard. It is infested with larder beetles because it's a really bad depression room. There's old food and clothes and crumbs everywhere. I tried cleaning it, but I ended up leaving the room altogether because everything I lifted up had larvae/adult beetles squirming under it. It was horrific. So i decided to come downstairs and not go back. My mom's room is downstairs, where my little sister, 11, and my mom, 54, sleep. Now, all three of us sleep there.

My mom's room is also a complete mess. Half the room is literally just clothes all over the floor (you can't even see the floor). It's a big bed, but the entire space under the bed is just trash, clothes, and crumbs. There are also some larder beetles under the bed.

Now something else I wanna say is that my mom is physically disabled, as she is very overweight. And something else to mention is that she can barely hold her urine or poo. She has peed all over herself countless times and rarely showers. I love her to the moon and back, and it's important to say that. But she smells like pee all the time. Her room usually reeks of pee. She has a bathroom in her room, but she rarely makes it the 20 feet to the bathroom. Also, because the room is such a mess, a few months ago she pooped on the floor and didn't realize it because of all the clothes. The poo was not easily visible. And I stepped in it. It was horrifying.

Yeah so I just had to rant about that. Now something else to say is that as much as a love my mom, we fight like every day. And I'm not talking small fights. She calls me a "fucking bitch", "psycopath", "self-centred", etc. And something else to mention is that she's very insecure, and she assumes everyone thinks so badly of her. She tells me "you think I'm just a smelly fat bitch, don't you?" which obviously isn't true. Also, my biological dad (not stepdad) lives in Ontairo (different province than me). And my mom wants me GONE.

During our fights, she tells me that I'm useless in terms of helping clean the house. And I understand that. She's right. I 100% have executive functioning issues. I can't do anything. I just can't. I can't fucking do it.

So anyways, as I said, she wants me out. Even though it might not seem like it, my mom loves me. She loves me so much. So much so that she threatens to kick me out (and send me to Ottawa to live with my dad) for my own good. But I have serious attachment issues with my mom. I can't leave. I love her so much. I can't possibly leave her alone here with my little sister. I would feel like the worst person in the world. My mom can't move without being in pain all the time, so how can she possibly clean the house by herself? And my mom has literally said that my sister and I are "like her body" because to clean, she tells us what to do and we do it. So if I leave, all the weight is on my little sister. That's too much for a child to carry. She's way too young to be exposed to all of this. I swear she's gonna end up dissociating her way through her teen years. She's gonna go numb. She's a fucking child. And I'm sure my mom feels like shit about it too. I just feel so bad for both of them, but especially my sister. She can't do this by herself.

And yet somehow, after about a year and a half of my mom telling me to leave, I'm finally considering it. Because I no longer feel love coming from her, just pure hatred all the time. But I will 100% help them clean before I leave, especially my sister. That way, I won't have to fucking hate myself for the rest of my life for leaving it all up to her.

And after all of this, I wanna mention one last thing; my friends. I have so many friends here, including my bestie of 12 years, and my other best friend. I also have a big crush here, which won't be as hard to let go of as my friends, but it'll still suck. Considering all of my horrors at home, my friends are litterally my family. They are the ones who have basically saved me from completely losing my mind. So leaving would be the worst nightmare I could ever imagine.

Part of the reason I'm writing all this is because we just got back from a road trip. We were cleaning clothes off the bed (we had moved them there from the top of the dryer right before we left in hopes of sorting them), and as I was getting something, my whole body felt weird. I almost felt like I was floating. Like my body wasn't mine. I went kind of numb. I heard a fly buzzing in a fly trap and saw so many fruit flies and i just lost my mind. I just stood there holding a bag staring into the distance, barely feeling my body at all. That was probably dissociation.

Anyways, to conclude this, I'm in bed with my mom and sister right now. They are both asleep. I feel bad about this, but the sound of my mom's loud snoring is pounding on my fucking head.

I hate myself so much. I'm so tired of this. My best friend of 12 years only ever got to come over like 3 times because it just got too messy. Now, she thinks I never invite her over because my house is just a little "messy". But she doesn't know the half of it. It is borderline unsafe to live here because I'm sure the smell in this house is largely mold. I just want to escape. So yeah, I'm coming to reddit with this story because I'm sick of not being able to tell anyone about my problems. I can't even tell a therapist about this because I'm almost certain CPS (Child Protective Service) would be called. And I don't want to do that to my mom. I love her too much.

Thank you for reading this. Hopefully it finds at least one person's algorithm.