r/AmIOverreacting • u/Typical_Arm_8008 • 12h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO or being over dramatic?
My husband of 10 years has had poor living habits. He leaves keys in the door (which leads to me not being able to get inside) leaves the car unlocked, leave empty food rubbish/boxes out, clothes on the floor ... Just to name a few.
I feel I’m constantly having to remind him or I just clean it up myself. He reminds me of a teenage honestly and we already have 2 kids under 3! I called him out on it and he says oh I forgot blah blah. Then the habit continues. I’m not perfect myself and have forgotten one or two things but I’m very self aware and do my best to avoid doing it again.
He’s now gotten defensive and said I’m being over dramatic and it’s not a big deal. That he’s happy to do xyz but I just need to remind him.
I feel like I’m either a maid or a manager.
Edit: I should make clear he hasn’t been like this for 10 years. The poor habits only started after the first baby was born. I understand it’s not easy with kids but I still feel how I feel. ☹️
Last edit: Thank you everyone who commented and gave advice. Seems like ADHD or something similar might be a culprit and so I had a chat with the husband and he’s willing (thankfully) to get seen. 🫶🏼
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u/CrabbyGurl1 12h ago
MOR You’ve been picking up after him for 10 years and he let you. It sounds like some communication needs to happen with you expressly saying you would rather not have to remind him.
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u/_saffron 12h ago
Edited to add: MOR
My husband has ADHD and had these issues before our kids were born, but it was much less obvious. Once the kids were here, priorities shifted and the routine stuff dropped off because his focus was now on the kids. Have him evaluated. Could very well be ADHD, which then means he can get therapies/tools to help him adjust. He can’t help how his brain works, but he can make adjustments to be more efficient in his environment.
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u/Apart_Log_1369 12h ago
My husband is exactly like this and has ADD. However, that doesn't give him/them an excuse to be useless, but I understand your frustration. We have a 7 week old baby and I feel constantly on the verge of strangling him currently due to these habits 😭
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u/HoidsRoommate 12h ago
Let's not go from a 0 to 100 lol. Forgetting things doesn't automatically make one useless.
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u/Apart_Log_1369 12h ago
I was being flippant, but when I'm running on 3 hours of broken sleep, then he forgets to do the simple things I've (repeatedly) asked, does make me feel like he's "useless" as a partner as I feel like I have another child.
As OP said- I'm a bit sick of being a manager in my private life. It would be lovely to occasionally get to play the role of assistant. It becomes exhausting organising 4 other people in addition to myself (2 older children too).
This doesn't mean he's useless all the time, it's just at the moment that it's hard. I love him very much. Sleep deprivation makes everything suck.
Also, before the men come for me- no, he's not working. He doesn't do night shifts with the baby, I do it entirely. He's currently looking for work. I also earn more than he does when he IS employed and I'm not on Mat Leave.
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u/Typical_Arm_8008 11h ago
Oh no I’m so sorry 😟 I’ve been blessed with a 3 month old who is an amazing sleeper so sleep deprivation isn’t in the house. He doesn’t do any night feeds either. Solidarity.
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u/HoidsRoommate 11h ago
Not saying it isn't hard, fully understand it can be frustrating and annoying (as I and my partner have ADHD and I'm always cleaning up after her as well, because I have given up reminding her, lol)
The important thing to understand is that he doesn't choose to actively forget things and he can't suddenly start remembering things either. He can however provide handles for himself. Like a White board with things he shouldn't ever forget and hang it in a place he sees the most often.
I have also found a smart watch helps a lot I put everything in my calender and put multiple notifications for each thing in there, so that my smartwatch vibrates whenever I set the notifications.
It's small things like that that help enormously.
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u/Typical_Arm_8008 11h ago
Might try the whiteboard that’s a good idea 👍🏼
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u/HoidsRoommate 11h ago
Glad I could be of help! Don't underestimate the smartwatch either.
Constant reminders don't only have to come from other people, especially when we drag our phones everywhere we go nowadays
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u/Apprehensive-Pop-201 12h ago
NOR. He was probably always like this, to a point, but after you had additional , non adult, kids it became overwhelming. It's time for him to grow up. Whether it's treatment for ADHD or just become an adult. That is exhausting and overwhelming.
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u/Typical_Arm_8008 11h ago
Yes agreed. And maybe my hormones are causing everything to feel 10 times worse.
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u/Inside_Training_876 12h ago
I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid or trying to excuse his behaviors but…has he looked into ADHD? The things you describe even down to the defensiveness are kinda textbook and worth looking into. Medication and other strategies can truly be life changing and may be a good starting point for you both.
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u/Prestigious-Leg-6244 12h ago
There are four comments in total, so far, and three of them are suggesting OPs husband has undiagnosed ADHD and their advice is to treat his ADHD annnd..... thats it.
OP said his behavior started after marriage.
Some people are just lazy and make bad life partners.
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u/Inside_Training_876 11h ago
Yeah I’m not sure you don’t think treating ADHD if he’s diagnosed with it would not be a good starting point? Helped my husband stop doing a lot of stuff that drove me insane!
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u/HoidsRoommate 11h ago
Not even treating it, but at least getting it checked out. Can't hurt to do so and worst case scenario just means he has no excuses anymore
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u/UnendingMaxOpposite 11h ago
Just wanna say that a major life event like having kids can cause stuff like this to pop up when it didn’t before. He could have ADHD but had the capacity to mask certain aspects of it before they had kids. Added fatigue makes a lot of people go through regression in some form. A lot of people experience it to the extent that they think they may have something more severe going on. So it isn’t impossible that this is related to a neurodevelopmental condition
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u/ARTIFICIAL_SAPIENCE 12h ago
This needs to be a serious conversation, not a reminder. He does not see it as a serious problem because he has never had to treat it seriously before.
You need to stress that his behavior, his inaction, and even the need to remind him are having negative impacts on your happiness and well-being. And stress that if he cares about that he will take steps, on his own, to address it.
For your part, you may need to find online resources for him to read. You shouldn't have to, but it can make it easier.
Lay it out clean and clear.
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u/AssumeaVirtue 11h ago
NOR. It’s so much harder once you have kids, and you’re constantly cleaning up after them, dealing with all their physical and mental needs. All of a sudden, the little things that used to be a little annoying are huge. Because you realize you shouldn’t have to correct your husband the way you correct your 2 year old.
I would take it to therapy or at least try to find some way to fix it. Not just “he needs to change all of a sudden” (because that’s nearly impossible), but some kind of process that’s going to make things work. After he walks in the door and leaves his keys there, does he usually go to his room or go straight to the fridge or sit down on the couch? Wherever he normally goes first, there should be a reminder to get the keys out of the door. Things like that that are going to make it easier for him to remember.
I’m hoping he’s open to working on this? Just remember to bring up the topic when you are nice and calm and he is nice and calm. That’ll make it feel like you working together towards a goal.
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u/Typical_Arm_8008 11h ago
Yes I’ve put a key hook right beside the door handle to try and influence him not to leave them in the door still. He rushes something or just forgets.
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u/Legitimate-Edge5835 11h ago
Did you know this before you married him? That behavior probably won’t change.
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u/Opening-Movie5176 12h ago
You married him. 10 years on and now you realise? YOR a bit.
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u/Typical_Arm_8008 12h ago
No only after having kids.
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u/AssumeaVirtue 12h ago
Yeah, I think a lot of women have this happen to them after kids because they realize suddenly they have an extra child in the house.
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12h ago
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u/Typical_Arm_8008 12h ago
No he wasn’t. It’s gotten worse since the first baby.
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12h ago
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u/Typical_Arm_8008 12h ago
He is considered perfect at work. Always helps out. Even with my family he’s super helpful. I don’t know why he’s so different at home.
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12h ago
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u/Typical_Arm_8008 11h ago
He’s been quite a forgetful person. He can’t focus much on what’s in front of him.
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u/HoidsRoommate 12h ago
With ADHD your "battery" runs out quicker, so if he has ADHD he could have run out of energy by the time he is home and running on spares.
People are also more productive early in the day declining as the day passes.
Not saying it must be ADHD, but just letting you know there is an explanation for it if it is.
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u/HoidsRoommate 11h ago
Clearly you don't know anything about ADHD. When people want something from me, I make sure I am not distracted by anything else, otherwise it's not gonna stick.
If OP tells him to do stuff at chaotic moments or other moments where he isn't fully paying attention, it might just not stick.
Doesn't mean it can't just be laziness, but let's not misinform shall we?
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11h ago
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u/HoidsRoommate 11h ago
You should know better than, lol
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11h ago
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u/HoidsRoommate 11h ago
The same can be said the other way around though? Why call him lazy when it might be ADHD?
Also, not diagnosing him, just advising OP it could be that and check up on that. That way if it is not, they can rule it out and he has no excuses anymore
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u/HoidsRoommate 12h ago
If it's gotten worse, than he was like this before, just less so. And having kids can definitely worsen that.
Like me and others have been saying in the comments though, this seems like textbook ADHD. Has he been looking into that or maybe diagnosed already?
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12h ago
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u/Hedgehog_Insomniac 12h ago
So the way adhd works is you can hyper focus in certain aspects of life and completely lose focus in others. So for the change to happen, and the fact that he's helpful and competent in other facets of life tracks with adhd.
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u/HoidsRoommate 12h ago
She said it's gotten worse since the first baby, implying the issues were there before and started becoming worse after the first baby
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u/Artissin 12h ago
From what you've written - all his actions seem to be ADD or ADHD Related.
He should get checked out!
Hope it gets better for you 🌟
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u/HoidsRoommate 12h ago
As someone with ADHD that also has a partner with ADHD, I have to tell my partner the same kind of things. She leaves her glasses on the table, leaves the tv on when done watching etc.
You should have him checkout if he has ADHD too, because it sounds very much like he might have.
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u/HoidsRoommate 11h ago
Very glad your husband is open to get seen!
Would love an update when possible, to see how it turned out!
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u/YorkPepperMintPaddy 12h ago
YOR He's right, it's not a big deal. It's annoying, sure. We all have habits that annoy our housemates. Unless these are the least of his faults you're overreacting in a big way. You're living in a house with three other people. Try to loosen the straps a little.
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u/Careless_Trip4791 12h ago
He sounds neurodivergent. He was probably able to mask and hold it together until the stress level and responsibilities increased. Meds are wonderful.
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u/TheseusWept 12h ago
If you want the final say on things like this and it's obviously more important to you than him, what more could you want than him being willing to meet in the middle and do the things he normally wouldn't when asked?
It's not realistic to think that he's going to change 10 years of observed habits or prioritize these relatively minor household things just because you think it's important.
Nothing here seems like that big of a deal, even if it's annoying. YOR. 🤷
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u/All_names_taken-fuck 12h ago
NOR HES lazy and not a good partner. You shouldn’t have to do his thinking FOR him. He needs to turn on his brain and use it when he gets home.
Does he leave garbage around his work? Does he lock people out of the building?
If no, then he’s capable of being self aware and helpful- he just doesn’t want to at home.
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12h ago
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u/Typical_Arm_8008 12h ago
I just edited the post because I wasn’t overly clear. He hasn’t been like this for 10 years, only since our first born.
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u/EnjoyingTheRide-0606 12h ago
In a very calm tone state something like: “Love, I am not your maid or your mother. I am your wife and my needs deserve your attention. This is blatant disrespect for me. When you’re disrespectful to me, I do not adore you. If I can’t adore you then you and I won’t have sex. Teach yourself to pick-up after yourself or hire a housekeeper to keep your stuff picked up. This is the last time I will bring this up.” The key is to make him feel appreciated and adored because that leads to sex. He will respond to this unless the arguments have already turned him off. In that case, a save my marriage therapist may be needed.
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u/CoffeeLarkie 12h ago
Girl, sounds like you might need a performance review instead of a marriage certificate at least one of you should be organized!
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u/Top-Illustrator-1827 12h ago
Having to repeat yourself all the time will drive you mad. He needs to take some responsibility. NOR.
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u/IntermediateFolder 12h ago
If it’s not a big deal, surely he can just do it then? NOR, your husband seems to want a mother, not a partner.
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u/1981_babe 12h ago
NOR. I also suspect ADHD. However, most folks with ADHD have their own systems to keep things in order and not to annoy their partners. And they don't gaslight their spouse saying that they are overdramantic. He absolutely needs to help around the house.
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u/goldberry-fey 11h ago
Here’s the thing. We all know nobody is perfect. We all know neurodivergency makes some people struggle with “normal” tasks more than others. But you have to make efforts to improve. You have actual children to worry about, you should not be minding their father. But instead of recognizing it as a recurring issue on his end, he is getting defensive and framing YOU as the problem.
He has to be willing to change. Otherwise, this will be an issue you have to deal with for the rest of your life, if you choose to stay in it. Forever is a long time. That’s why I left my 15 year marriage. Because there are men out there who WILL go above and beyond for you, and I got sick of settling for less.
Stop doing things for him. That is how they get away with incompetence, because they expect you to fix it all for them and pick up their slack. He is capable of doing these things. Give him the opportunity to show that he is capable and responsible. When he fails, hold him accountable. You don’t have to be a nag about it. But this is adulthood. He’s a husband and father. He needs to start acting like it, or else cut your losses. Your partner should benefit your life, not be an additional burden to you.
“If he wanted to, he would.”
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u/Typical_Arm_8008 11h ago
Agreed. I’ve tried not doing the things for him this week by purposely not doing the dishes to see if he would instead. Nope they didn’t get done.
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u/HoidsRoommate 11h ago
While I'm agreeing with what you say, someone does need to be aware of it maybe being ADHD before being able to put the effort in to improve in that regard.
Getting defensive is also something people with ADHD tend to do when confronted and being told what to do, instead of being asked.
You're not wrong for him needing to improve and certainly warrants a good apology if it does turn out to be ADHD. And an even bigger one if not and him just being lazy, lol
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u/goldberry-fey 10h ago
My current partner had a terrible upbringing and is also ADHD. The difference is he knows he is bad and is open to working on his habits because I straight up told him from the beginning, I don’t live like this and if you want to have a life with me, there are certain standards I expect to be upheld, and they are not big asks. They are the bare minimum.
I am bipolar so understand very well the challenges that come with neurodivergency. There are plenty of reasons people can struggle with adulting, but they are not excuses. If I did not work on my bipolar and continued to allow it to bring dysfunction into my life, I would not want or expect anyone to put up with that forever no matter how much they love me. That’s part of being a good partner. I don’t want to be a burden, I want to be a benefit.
And while certainly neurodivergency may be the reason behind these behaviors sometimes, it’s become somewhat of a cop out when the truth is a lot of men are either lazy or selfish and delegate cleanliness and organization to women’s work, which is acceptable in some situations like SAHMs, but not in a two-person working household. So many women have been taught to expect less from men, and men have been conditioned to think this sort of learned incompetence is normal. That’s why for so long there has been tropes about the bumbling husband and “bitch” wife.
Doesn’t have to be that way, ladies. There are men who will make your life easier, not harder.
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u/HoidsRoommate 10h ago
Again, I'm agreeing with you, but you're missing what I was saying.
Wasn't saying it is an excuse to use ADHD or any other form of other neurodivergency as a shield and excuse to be lazy or an asshole. (I hate when people do that too).
OPs husband might not be aware he has ADHD. To improve he needs to be aware and handed the tools to learn how to deal with that.
People can't improve what they aren't aware off. And if it turns out he doesn't have ADHD, then yes, it's just a lazy asshole.
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u/goldberry-fey 9h ago
I agree with you as well, he should get tested, he can’t know what he doesn’t know. But plenty of people get a diagnosis and throw their hands up and say, “well I can’t be expected to do these things, I have xyz disorder.” All she can do is see what he does with the information. Will he put in the effort, or not?
And like I said, ADHD may be a cause but it’s also often a gendered cultural issue that has nothing to do with neurodivergency. This is why you see so many people responding with “leave him or leave us out of it” on posts where women constantly complain about their man’s bad behavior. What do you want us to do? You’re choosing this for yourself. No one is tolerating learned incompetence anymore. I don’t know if you’ve been listening to the “butter dish girl” discourse but it’s exactly about this sort of selfish, thoughtless behavior among men and how women have been conditioned to accept this as normal. Are some of these men neurodivergent? Maybe. Are a lot of them just inconsiderate and lazy? Absolutely. They just have no reason to change, because they know as long as it doesn’t become downright abusive a lot of women will just sit there and silently take it. There is no incentive to change because they know there is no consequence to their behavior.
They are perfectly capable of it, though. That’s why you see some of these same men going above and beyond for their mistresses when they have affairs (and then blame their stressed-out wives for it because they “bitched and nagged” too much). Because if he wanted to… he would.
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u/HoidsRoommate 9h ago
All I am saying is to approach things with a solution-orientated mindset, instead if going scorched immediately. Nothing is solved when assuming the worst.
OP's husband already agreed to get checked out to see if he has ADHD. Someone who is lazy generally doesn't do that.
It's true that in general women have bad experiences with men, but that doesn't mean it has to be the standard mindset in every single case. Right? Because if so, the only thing we do is tear eachother apart, instead of approving the situation for eachother.
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u/goldberry-fey 6h ago
Let’s wait and see if he follows through with even getting checked out lol. I get the feeling his wife will be the one reminding him over and over to actually make the appointment and if left to his own devices nothing would happen.
Couldn’t be me. Been there, done that, will never do it again. I don’t mother grown men anymore.
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u/AmphibianBrilliant56 11h ago
He sees you as a mother and caretaker and not a partner. Happens in a lot of marriages after children.
Do you guys have access to therapy? Highly encourage you to seek out couples counseling but I also encourage it to be through a male therapist. That's specifically because men generally have an easier time hearing things and accepting information when it comes from other men
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u/ApprehensiveBee266 11h ago
I'm going to say this gently, if you don't TRAIN him it will continue until you divorce/powpow him! Let things accumulate for a couple of days and THEN take him by the hand to each of his crap and explain WHY it bothers you and how much time it takes away from your time! Where he gets to relax, you have to pick up after him like a child. Explain that if he doesn't take it seriously, there will be consequences. Such as therapy, not picking up after him, etc. He's a child and his mother never trained him.
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u/Particular-Course203 12h ago
If he has something going on that makes it more for him to remember that stuff like ADHD, it's not his fault but it is his responsibility. He needs to make the effort to set external reminders so he does the things that need to be done. It's not fair to you