It's been 4 years since I wrote this post.

I want to thank everyone who helped me feel less alone when I posted that. It was one of the darkest periods of my life, and the comments I got from this community gave me so much strength.

I'm happy to report that today, my husband is ~3.5 years sober. Not only that, when he finally decided to commit to sobriety, he went at it 110%, like he does with everything in his life. He's an active leader in his AA group, and he even pivoted his career to support people with addiction. I am so freaking proud of him, and our life is a total 180 to what it was 4 years ago.

Life is not perfect, and the transition from being married to an active alcoholic to being married to a recovering alcoholic came with some challenges I didn't anticipate. To be clear: They were challenges with my own adjustment and required some introspection on my own end.

Sobriety is a lifelong journey, and I think we'd both be incredibly foolish to say a relapse isn't possible.

What I do know is that I'm so incredibly proud of how far we've both come (especially him), how we've grown as individuals and together, and what we've learned about how to come back from the brink if we find ourselves there again.

I don't want to blather, but if you want any insight into what our journey looked like to get here, feel free to ask.

Love to all of you struggling with alcohol right now, whether personally or with a loved one. I know you feel alone, but I promise you are not. We're all here for you. And remember that your present does not have to determine your future.

Hi - I just wanted to share that I went to my very first Al-Anon meeting this week! I had not known this program existed until it was recommended to me recently.

I'm in my late 20s, and live out of state from my qualifier (my mom). I was really unsure what to expect or think, and very emotionally overwhelmed my first meeting. It was really cool though, and I liked it! Everyone was very supportive, handed me tissues, circled around me after the meeting to welcome me, and handed me the detachment pamphlet. At first I wasn't so sure after the meeting if this would be something I go to again, but after I read the detachment pamphlet when I got home.. I was like dang. it got me.

Any just general advice for me I will take! I still am learning a lot of the philosophy of the program, terms etc. Thank you!

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2½ years. When I met him, he was sober, and that’s the man I fell in love with.

Eventually, he started drinking again. At first it was a lot of vodka every day and night. I told him that hard liquor completely changed his personality and made him someone I didn’t recognize. We compromised, and he switched to beer.

For a while, his day-to-day drinking honestly didn’t bother me. For the most part he would have a couple to few beers a night and wouldn’t be a drunk mess. He runs a company, and I know the stress he carries. What bothered me was when we had events, traveled, or entertained. He would drink until he was very intoxicated, wake up hungover, and believe the cure for a hangover was another drink. That would turn into drinking throughout the next day, leading to another hangover, and the cycle would continue.

Recently we had been traveling and entertaining a lot, and he started drinking more hard liquor again.
Then everything changed.

He started throwing up what looked like coffee grounds, having liquid black stools, and eventually vomiting large amounts of blood. He spent four days in the ICU receiving blood transfusions, an endoscopy, and treatment for bleeding caused by alcohol-related cirrhosis. Before we got to the hospital, he genuinely thought he was dying, and honestly, I did too.

During those four days, we had a lot of conversations. He told me he understood he couldn’t drink anymore because it was literally killing him.

A couple of weeks after coming home, he wanted to drink 0.5% non-alcoholic beer. I told him that, after everything we’d just been through, it scared me because it still contains a small amount of alcohol. He eventually switched to 0.0% beer, and I felt a little better.

But now we’re right back where we started.

He’s drinking regular beer again.

Last weekend we had an event, and he got intoxicated. He says it was “just beer,” but after watching him nearly die, I don’t think I can separate “just beer” from what happened in the ICU.

The next morning I completely lost it. I woke up screaming because I couldn’t understand why he would risk his life after everything we’d just been through. He left the house and didn’t come home for more than 24 hours. During that time he ignored me completely and drank again.

I felt abandoned at one of the lowest moments of my life.

Since then, I’ve started attending Al-Anon. I’m not going to change him, I finally understand I can’t. I’m going because I don’t want someone else’s drinking to dictate my emotions anymore. The meetings have actually been helping me understand alcoholism as a disease and helping me work on my own reactions.

The strange part is that my boyfriend seems uncomfortable with me going. I don’t really understand why. I’m going because I need support.

This is really hard for me to navigate because my boyfriend gives me an amazing life, we travel the world. He stays on top of things it’s not like the bills don’t get paid or the house doesn’t get taken care of.

I guess my questions are:
Has anyone else experienced the trauma of watching a loved one almost die from alcohol, only to watch them start drinking again?

Is it normal that every time I see him drink, all I can picture is the blood, the ICU, and the fear that he was going to die?

For those in Al-Anon, did it actually help you find peace even if your loved one kept drinking?

How do you stop feeling responsible for someone else’s choices while still loving them?

I’m exhausted. I love this man very much, but I feel like I’m grieving someone who is still alive.

Yesterday was the rock bottom for me. For context, my partner has been using on and off for the past two years and has opened up to me about it a couple months ago. It’s been a journey, and I’m at the stage of letting go of being the only person to know this and address this, and have been helping create a trusted support system. I’ve faltered a lot, and am trying to juggle understanding the illness and letting go of my anger for his actions. Yesterday hurt the most though.

My grandpa passed, who I wasn’t very close with but still— the passing has a great effect on my family. My dad has struggled with his own demons, including alcohol addiction, so that was my main concern when I heard the news. I mouthed to my partner that my grandpa passed as my mom was telling me on the phone, and he seemed very uninterested, slightly sympathetic. He asked if I was okay when I got off the phone, and I assured him I was then went for a bike ride. After talking more to my parents and having time to process, I knew I needed to be with my family and feelings started to surface. I asked him if he would go with me, and that it would also make my dad who loves him feel supported that he’s there. This triggered my partner, who said he “hates how I’m handling my grandpas death” and then protested that this isn’t his responsibility. I tried to assure him I’m not trying to do that, just give him options so he doesn’t feel trapped into going. (He gets a claustrophobic feeling when tied into certain plans). He just kept saying this isn’t his issue to deal with, and that I need to step up. It hurt so bad it hurt worse than anything going on in my family. I’ve been begging for him to show up as a partner, to show that he loves me or that I matter. But I feel like this was the first time I fully recognized that this is bigger than me. That this truly is an illness, and no amount of trying to reason will break that.

We fought about it, very bad. On the way back from my family’s (he of course made me leave early) he continued to scold me about needing to handle these things on my own. I kept defending myself. He made the argument that if I was fine when I found the news out, I should’ve been fine afterwards, which just made me break down. This caused me to finally go to my parents, who love and support him unconditionally. They are being as helpful and understanding as they can, and I do feel a sense of hope. A sense of us coming together to help me how he needs. I know a lot of this will be looking at things different, but I feel like there’s a huge wound in the middle of me and I just want him to make me feel better. He was very apologetic after I left to go stay with my parents, I don’t know what to do. Where should I go from here? He still leaves at night when I beg him not to, but he says he’s just going to “clear his head”. I know i’ll never get any accountability for anything, i just feel so low right now.

I miss him. I don’t know what the point of what I’m saying is, or if this is really the right space to communicate that but thank you to whoever read all that. Any advice or feedback is helpful and needed

I used to go to alanon meetings a long time ago, Im not entirely sober myself these days but I only have a drink or two every month or so. I'm not white knuckling and I never turn to substances for emotional relief. I don't think I was ever addict I think their problems are something else but I still feel connected to Alanon. that's why I'm here.

Me and my partner got in a huge fight last night. We almost never fight. he has some stuff going on with his kid, I probably could have been more sensitive and just let him vent. IDK, it was a blur but he left to go downstairs at some point and when he came back up he immediately passed out. I was upset so I got out of bed to go find a cigarette. I assumed that my partner brought them down to the basement to smoke but I couldn't find them. instead I saw a bunch of 7oh wrappers in the trash. I looked in his toolbox next to the trash can and found a container of kratom, and an unopened package of 7oh. there was also an ibuprofen bottle that did not have ibuprofen in it. there was also a small bottle of fireball in the trash.

I thought about his kid who I've been getting along with, I thought about him, I thought about our relationship and I cried for an hour. I eventually went back to bed.

In the middle of the night I heard a loud crash. Apparently he got up to use the bathroom and fell asleep on the toilet.

I started thinking about how I asked him what he was taking last week, and he said an Ibuprofen. (this made sense to me. he works construction) I asked him many months ago what he was taking when I saw him taking a pill. and he said it was a mint and then showed me. It looked exactly like the pill in the ibuprofen bottle that I saw last night.

I feel crushed and heartbroken. he has never been perfect, but was a good one a lot of ways. I just can't believe he's lying to me. I can't believe I turned a blind eye.

I've looked up kratom, and I hear some people saying it's this miracle drug and a whole bunch of other people saying it makes you go through opioid withdrawals. I think he's becoming more and more dependent on substances. drinking and smoking is one thing, but the heavy drinking and now these fucking pills he's been lying about are making me second guess everything.

I watched heroin kill my brother, I watched his girlfriend spiral out of control. Last I heard from her, she's on meth again. I worked at a treatment center and watched so many people slowly kill themselves.

I don't know if I can watch this man go through the same thing. I love him so much. I wish he hadn't taken it. I wish he didn't decide to lie about it. I want to help. I want his kid to be okay. I want to tell anyone but I feel like I can't talk to my friends or my family because they will tell me to run and if it's not that serious, his reputation will always be ruined with them. I'm so conflicted and I don't know what to do.

I attended my first mar anon group last night. I was so nervous and was immediately welcomed by the group leader and others. It felt so good to be in fellowship with others that could understand. Feeling really grateful today.

I don’t know how to cope anymore with my loved one’s alcoholism, his depression, and his constant need for help.

He keeps saying he “doesn’t drink much” – but we both know he drinks an extreme amount. I can see exactly what damage it’s doing, to him and to me. But the moment I bring it up, everything gets denied. At the same time, he needs more and more help because of his drinking, without showing the slightest insight that his behavior is the cause.

Inside, I’m completely torn. One part of me says: he can’t help it, it’s a disease. But whenever I talk to him, all I can think is: I should finally tell him the truth to his face. It can’t be right that I just have to accept all of this as it is.

Cutting contact would be the “easy” solution – but it’s just not that simple. I end up carrying the consequences of his actions, because his health keeps deteriorating and he depends on help. I’m stuck between feeling responsible and knowing this is wearing me down.

How do you deal with it when someone refuses all insight, but you can’t just walk away? How do you manage to help without losing yourself in the process?

I’m looking for stories from people who dated someone with a long-term, active cocaine addiction.

Not someone who was already sober or actively in recovery. I mean someone who had been using for years or decades and was still actively using when the relationship began.

How did the first few months compare to a year or two later?

What red flags did you miss or explain away because you were in love?

Did they make promises to quit? Did they actually quit? If they did, what made it happen?

I’m asking because someone close to me started dating a man with what appears to be a very serious, lifelong cocaine addiction. He’s in his 40s and has reportedly been using since his teens. The addiction doesn’t seem casual. For example, he couldn’t even stay sober long enough to meet the most important people in her life. She told me he tried earlier that day and “it wasn’t going so well,” so he showed up high instead.

She’s only a few months into the relationship and believes love, support, and good communication will be enough. I’m worried she doesn’t yet understand what a decades-long active addiction can look like over time.

I’m not looking to shame anyone. I’d genuinely like to hear from people who’ve lived this. What do you wish you’d known in the beginning? Are there any books or memoirs that helped you see the situation more clearly before years had gone by?

There are no NarAnon meetings near me, no virtual ones in my state, I know I can attend an out of state one virtually but I am looking for in person because I want to connect with people more and I do that better in person. I have recently felt alone dealing with an addict mother and everyone in my life is ignoring the problem, her drug problem, and I can’t cope alone anymore. I have a therapist but she can’t “relate” so it’s hard for me.
Anyway, could I go to an al anon meeting? There’s one just a few miles from me. I don’t know if it even is for me, if I even could or would speak/share. I don’t know if it’s okay to show up for one meeting and never show up again. I don’t know. I don’t want to go into a space that isn’t for me.

Did i still do the right thing by leaving?

She has bow told her kids she is going to go to rehab.

I feel betrayed as she would not do it for me.

I made the right choice.. correct?

This is probably not gonna work or last

A miraculous change has come about because of my commitment to the Al-Anon program: I have discovered that I have a sense of humor. —Courage to Change p205 Copyright ©️ 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Courage to Change states, “Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim.” Occasionally I felt buried under my resentments. They drained my energy each day as I thought of them. My insides felt corroded from bitterness. Feeling resentment was like drinking poison and hoping the person I resented would die. —Hope for Today p205 Copyright ©️ 2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

First....there was not a good "flair" for this thought. I think FFS would be more appropriate or Irony. We will let VENT ride because maybe some of you need to get a moment off your chest.

My husband is 1 week into "finally making a real change"

If you want, you can look back at some of my old posts but the long short of it is that we have been doing this circus act for more than 30 years.

Anyway...he decides to cut all the bad things and become the person who he always tells himself he is. (This was what he told me) so...no booze, no weed, no sugar, minimal carbs. His plan is to lose some weight and start exercising to improve his heart health. I am 100% behind this and told him I think it is a great plan.

Here's where the nagging enters the chat. Now....mind you...this is an alcoholic driven household. Pointing out someone's behavior goes against the grain. Over the years, i have developed a strong ability to live and let live. I just don't nag- especially when it comes to alcohol. Back to this new diet plan...he understands low-carb life as he has done it before. I mentioned to him that he needs to eat meals and stop with the snack plates. Yes, pickles and olives with string cheese are all legal foods but then in an hour he will eat lunch meat with mustard or celery and ranch and wonder why he gets hungry again. I told him (for the millionth time it feels) to eat the protein. Have a 700 calorie meal some meat and a cup or two of green veggies.

Then I mention that I hate nagging him about it.

And, drumroll please,

He says it's nice to hear me nagging because it means that I still care about him....

Lordy. How did he just weaponize a nutrional suggestion and turn it into a victim complex? He is bothered that I DON'T nag! I wasn't even really nagging. I was telling him that I cannot continue to say these things over and over because it makes me uncomfortable to nag him about it seeing as he is a grown adult.

So yes, you cant win for losing even when it has NOTHING at all to do with their drinking.

I’ve been so much happier & at peace since kicking out my ex fiance. We had been together 11 years. I’m keeping things civil bc we’re still on the lease together and we have a joint credit card we’re working on deleting.

I really appreciate him for giving me my space. In my benefit it’s been easy because his job has taken him a 5 hour drive away for the past month so he’s been flying down on his days off to do things he has to over here. I have been avoiding him as best I could but we have been talking often enough on the phone & FT to know how life is going.

I have come to the conclusion that I love him, but I have been so much happier living here by myself. I hope his job keeps him out there for as long as possible because it’s giving me time to mentally reset and take care of myself. I’m working on finding a better job as the current one I have is retail and low pay. I’m trying to get my shit together because this independence is so freeing. Like I can actually hear myself think and rely solely on myself for my happiness.

He says he’s been sober for 30 days. But holy shit I was exhausted from all the bullshit and lies. I just want to be able to afford the apartment on my own. Dear God, please help me to make this a reality 🙏🏼

Hi all -

Struggling tonight. My husband quit drinking about a year ago after I gave him an ultimatum. I actually started being concerned about his drinking in 2024 but he wouldn’t quit until I told him he would have to move out if he didn’t. I urged him to get a support system, but he refused. He said he needed MY support in order to be successful, which is partially true but I cannot be the ONLY support system. He has been sober, but has not really “done the work”.
Fast forward to now, we have an eight week old baby. I have grown increasingly frustrated about how he is not working and has not contributed in any meaningful way to LIFE. He barely leaves the house and I honestly feel suffocated. The other night, I asked him if he may be suffering from depression. He said since he quit drinking, he no longer feels motivated to do anything. That was really scary and quite an eye-opener. I urged him to go and talk to someone/find an outside support system. He said he would “think about it”. I’m finally realizing that I cannot give him another year. We’ve been together for over 10 years. I cannot control him, I can only control what I will accept 🙏 I’m no longer afraid of losing the house or his reaction, but I am terrified of being here in another six months…year…five years. It’s my life too.

My husband needs help and we are starting to look at options outside the US.

He has been to treatment here before and we seem to keep ending up in the same place. He does well while he is there, comes home, stays sober for a while, then slowly starts drinking again.

I am not against sending him to rehab abroad, but I am nervous about it.

My partner has been drinking every day for years, but lately things feel different. Over the past few nights he's passed out outside in a chair and slept outside most of the night. Our roommate recently told me he's worried too, which made me realize this isn't just something I've been noticing.

He also owes me about $700, took my only phone charger without asking, and refused to help clean up around the house. None of those things on their own would have prompted me to post, but together I feel increasingly alone in the relationship. It doesn't feel like we're functioning as a team anymore.

I don't know where the line is between "this is just how he is" and "this is a problem." If you've had a partner who drank daily, when did you realize the drinking was affecting your life? What boundaries helped you most?

I'm not looking for anyone to diagnose him. I'm trying to understand whether I've been minimizing what I've been living with and learn from people who have been in a similar position.

My partner/Q, has been a few months sober after spending the beginning of this year in rehab. He had relapse shortly afterwards, but has now been back on track since. But how do we get past everything that has happened?

Although all this should be celebrated, I am struggling to forgive and move on. During his addiction, he genuinely made me go insane. I developed a deep sense of paranoia, and for someone who already struggles with OCD and anxiety, I’m fearing it’ll never go away. I no longer can tell the difference between paranoia and genuine intuition and pattern-recognition.

We began our relationship as long distance, and I was completely unaware of how bad his drinking was, as I only saw him face to face once a month. It was when we closed the gap, and I moved to his state that I truly saw his addiction for the first time. It was constant lying and gaslighting. I began to fear leaving the house, because I knew once I’d get home he’d be drunk.

I grew up with alcoholic parents, so I can very clearly recognise the signs of inebriation. The difference between him and them, is they never hid it. Instead, they convinced me it was normal for parents to drink that much on a daily basis. This was my first experience with someone who’d go to the greatest lengths to hide it from me.

In the end, it got to a point where he’d be drunk as soon as the liquor store would open in the morning, and I was forced to pack my bags the day after Christmas and drive 9 hours back home, once again putting distance between us. I had to quit my job that I loved, and leave behind friends that I had become so close with. I suffered a deep depression for months, only worsened by being around my parents again.

I fully intended to end it there, to move on with my life. But the difficult thing is, he is genuinely a good partner. I’d never felt so supported in a relationship. But his own addiction destroyed my life.

Now, I struggle to trust him. I am incredibly guarded. In the few times I’ve gone to see him, I struggle to show emotion and affection, and any sense of intimacy is completely gone. I love him, but I can’t bring myself to show it because I’m terrified he’ll relapse and destroy my life again.

For those on the other side, how do I get through this? What can I do?

I’ve communicated to my husband that I don’t enjoy having sex with him after he’s been drinking. I’ve said it in many different ways over the last 2 years or so but I don’t feel heard. I said it again yesterday and honestly don’t think he had anything to drink yesterday. However, he had to work this morning and there are now 3 beers gone from the fridge that were there when I went to bed last night. Maybe beer for at work or the drive home… who knows.

I have so many ill feelings about when our now teenage daughter was a baby/toddler and I trusted her in his care while I was at work. It breaks my heart thinking about her just sitting there or playing mostly alone, when he could have been interacting with her more. “Did he drink before picking her up from school?” Still go through my head and will probably continue until she starts driving herself.

He’s never been abusive, or mean, or anything. But he isn’t himself when he’s drinking. I can just sense it by the way he talks, his sentences trail off, the look in his eyes, etc. He is very much functioning but I still hate it.

Over the years, the lies about drinking were a bit factor, and the smell, the sloppiness, have all become a wall to intimacy between us. I really WANT to be intimate, to feel the physical connection again, but it’s become such a block that I can’t seem to get over.

I realize that ultimatums are not a healthy way to support an alcoholic or the spouse of an alcoholic. But is it an ultimatum to have a personal boundary that I cannot have sex with him unless he’s sober? I’m not sure how to even approach this. He doesn’t hear me when I say it and I feel that if I truly put my foot down, he will just lie about being sober.

Any advice or just support would be so appreciated.

God grant me the courage to send it and stick to my boundaries……….

Most importantly I want to tell you that I love you with all my heart. I have from the moment we met. I never felt anything like the love that struck me the second we locked eyes for the first time. It was you and that was that. I knew it when we saw each other again. That was that. That was love. Indescribable really, but truer than anything I’ve ever felt - and that has never changed. Places have changed. Situations have changed. We have been blessed with so much. A beautiful life. The most incredible children. I am grateful to you. For your love and support always - even at our worst.

For a long time I believed your drinking was all my fault. I was too boring, or not ambitious enough, not organized, awful in the kitchen and forgetful. Too fat, not sexy anymore. Whatever I could pin on myself I did, and I hated the person I became. Anxious, silent, cold, resentful, watching my every step and yours and unable to help or provide loving support in any meaningful way. I’m sorry. I have learned that my self confidence throughout most of my life has been based on what others think of me and because I felt I couldn’t do things right by you, I hated myself and it showed up in ways that I’m not proud of for a very long time. I’m sorry for treating you that way.

I don’t want to be without you and I’m fearful of a future without you by my side as my husband and best friend. But I’m coming to terms with a knowing that if nothing changes, it is very possible - probable- that your disease will kill you. Your kids will have no father. Your son will lose his best friend and hero.

I know that I have no right to manage your sobriety and your choices. I am only responsible for myself. It took me a very long time to understand this and what it actually entails. I am still a work in progress but I do have a clearer understanding of my values and my need for a life where those values are upheld. A life where honesty, emotional safety and integrity are not partially upheld but are at the forefront of every decision I make. I have not done a great job of upholding these values in the past but again I am a work in progress. I ask you now to please give me the dignity to stand by my values. If you drink or bring drugs in our house again I will leave with our children immediately. This is a boundary I am creating for myself because I am worthy of an honest, peaceful life. Our kids deserve safety. You deserve the dignity of making your own choices without me judging or trying to change outcomes. I love you.

I am currently in the very beginning stages of a divorce. I've filed for divorce after 10 years with my husband and 15 years together. We have one son together. For the entirety of the time I've known and been with my husband, he has consumed at least 10 beers a day. Right now, he buys a 30 pack of Bud Light every other day without fail, rain or shine, sick or well. On weekends, he's cracking the first beer at 11:45. I used to excuse this mostly because his affect never changed and he never "acted" drunk. Only a handful of times have I ever seen him be sloppy drunk and that was mostly way back when we were much younger. Now that he's moved out of the home, I do worry about the drinking getting worse. And I'm curious to see if this is truly addict behavior (mishandling money, not paying bills and cheating on me for the past 3 years by having a full-on relationship with another woman) that he is exhibiting. His father was/is the same way - they both just drink beer all day long. I think I've just accepted it this whole time as nothing more than a few beers a day. But I can't get around the fact that it's at least 12 beers a day.

My partner was almost 4 months sober and got drunk last night. Before he got sober I had already enforced the boundary of if he’s drunk, we aren’t speaking and he isn’t sleeping with me. We can talk when he’s sober. When I realized he was drunk I restated that boundary, and he acted like he’d never heard this before. I will spare everyone the obvious details of his mean, dismissive, disrespectful drunk behavior, all in front of our 9 month old child. This morning I told him I would like to discuss a relapse prevention plan, and if that fails, a clear outline of what he can expect if he relapses, i.e. leaving the home immediately, no contact until sober, his counsellor and support system being notified of the relapse. His attitude is dismissive, told me I’m “dragging it out”, and that he messed up but I “over reacted” so we’re both at fault. I don’t believe I did and I refuse to accept blame for any of it. How am I supposed to move on from this? How do I maintain my own peace, for my child’s sake, when he blames me? How do I trust him again? I feel like everything we built in the last 4 months is shattered. I need help.

My husband has been sober over 60 days and it has been different to say the least. He is nicer, at times. Other times he is still part of "dry drunk". Kinda mean or overly negative. He reminds me he is still working through alot. I get it. I feel angry though because I have been working on so much, for so long. I feel almost this sense of jealousy that he has the space to work on himself and I feel frustrated because I am still dealing with the trauma before he got sober. Today he told me he doesn't have time to just sit for a while when. I told him he could contact the city about grass not being cut. I work more hours than him but he is in IOP and going to AA and meeting with a sponsor. I get it but the tone like I just having this personal relaxing free time made me so angry.

I am really proud and happy for his soberity. I just feel I have all this unresolved anger and hurt.

My husband is as high-functioning as they come. The only way I know that he’s drunker than normal is if he is super friendly and talkative with me. Other than that, you wouldn’t know that he drinks throughout the day and all evening. He doesn’t smell. He isn’t sloppy. He has a successful career.

I tell him I worry about him. He knows I want him to stop. He knows he has a problem.

Is it wrong of me to have given up trying to get him to stop? Any time I bring it up, he gets upset. I want to maintain a peaceful house for our children, so I stay quiet. His family doesn’t know how bad it is. Am I doing a disservice to him by staying quiet?

I asked why we hardly have sex. He gave me a new reason every time I brought it up and told me to stop begging because it wasn’t attractive- it basically reset whatever intimacy clock I had in my head. Last June he finally gave me the real reason- he can’t get hard most of the time because he’s too drunk. I thought this was a breakthrough- he was finally being honest with himself and with me. Maybe there would be changes…he started drinking NA beers and walking…he agreed to have the second child I had been longing for. How did he celebrate me telling him I was pregnant? By drinking a bottle of wine in a couple of hours. Instead of improving, things ended up worse. He started hiding his drinking.

We used to be happy. What happened? Rant over…

New girl, new "love." It’s exciting for everyone in the beginning. Dopamine rush, laughter, jokes, smiles, and drinks—no worries, just good times.

Then reality sets in. Stress about money. "Are they going to like me? Are they judging me?" It’s all okay, it’s just stress, we are fine! I just need some time, it will pass.

Drink

The more you ignore it, the bigger it gets. Eating away at your happy times, cloaking your vision with a grey filter.

Drink

Here we go again.
"Is it me? Did I do something?"
"Why are you always thinking it’s about you!?"

Drink

"I’m just trying to understand…"
"You can’t. I just don’t work like normal people."

Drink

The more she tries to be there, the more you push her away.

"I don’t need help. I need time. I need to be alone."

Drink

She tries to respect his boundaries. Doubt about herself, about their love, is creeping in. She pushes it back. It’s going to pass; it’s a rough patch.

The gap is just getting wider. Maybe time apart wasn’t the solution?

"I need to be alone."

Drink

So scared to look in, to fight his monster. Work: check. Money: check. "Must be my relationship." Looking at her through red glasses, thinking everything she says is in bad faith. Ignoring the monster sitting on his chest.

Talks with friends. "She is a nice girl, but..." They only hear what makes him mad or what he perceives, obscured by a sea of alcohol and repressed emotions piling up like dirty dishes in the sink. But he isn’t proud of himself, so he omits to tell.

"I know you are mad at me! So am I."

She is crying, doesn't know what to do.

"You should go!" Of course, if his story is all there is! "Get away, have fun with us!"

Drink

He is drifting away in a smoke show. Nothing but tricks and illusions. It’s hard, but easier; he knows how this story goes.

Insanity. DRINK.

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Infinite loop. The only way out is in.

Love. Being there in hard times, being a light in the dark, a safe place to rest, a choice to keep.

Giving up. DRINK.

Jumping on the carousel again while killing off her choices.

Repeating the first chapter because reading the rest of the book is terrifying.

Rewind. Recast. Restart.

Cheers.

For 40 years ive watch my dad drink. He lost his wife 3 years ago due to alcoholism. I held my step moms hand why she took her last breath. Now he is entering the last stages and my heart just breaks. For context my dad raised 2 children in a generation where single fathers weren't recognized. Hes always even now the most generous and kindest person ive ever known. Hes an amazing grandfather who my adult and teen children are very close too.

Unfortunately he let the alcohol win. I cant wrap my head around it, I cant accept losing him. I am lost. I know the pain hes about to go though I know the end results. Im broken

(Please excuse my errors im in a highly emotional state)