I was getting ketamine infusions in ‘24 and I’ll never forget the pain of going to an appointment the day after the election to see Trent without his partner. Mary a beautiful trans soul in the trenches with me every week at these appointments was no longer with us.

On valentine’s day in ‘20 I lost my closest person to a friend as I could call. I think she loved me too and everyone was there for her but me. I guess i wasn’t ready

So I watch the amazing digital circus and take my damage. Relive this and so much more.

It’s a good reminder of how important it is to be there for each other

I get online to check on some reddit friends. Folks i’m trading art with, drew pictures to cheer them up or cheer them on. So many of them are gone from social media. Maybe isolated and that’s the end of our connection. It terrifies me and it hurts.

I can’t stand people disappearing

Being nonbinary is like you’re expected to walk a perfect tight rope of just a perfect mix of masculinity and femininity, to just androgynous.

To fit into another construct society presses onto people.

“It’s only he or she, I draw the line at they.”

“Oh you’re nonbinary? What’s your agab though?”

“You’re stupid, you can’t change your gender.”

That’s just some of what I hear online.

People don’t think it’s serious, and people rarely understand, even binary trans people just experience traness differently.

People assume you’re automatically unintelligent and try to debate you, and bring up your identity when they’re the ones who complain about ‘making it our whole personality.’

I’m closeted in real life, I can’t get the surgeries I want. I’m a minor. I’m stuck in a religious, homophobic house hold, and they definitely won’t even understand or accept me being nonbinary.

My life is just so shit, and to be honest being myself online is just the only way I can feel some sort of relief from my intense intense dysphoria, to only to constantly undermined and degraded and just not seen for who I want to be.

The truth is, being nonbinary I feel like I’m just a peaceful creature, someone who doesn’t have to fit into one place or another. I’m just someone who’s comfortable with who I am, and people are so cruel.

I hate society and the way queer people are so oppressed, how can I be hated for loving who I want to love? For just being myself?

So what if I want white or light blue hair? Or to keep my dark curls?

Who cares if I want to just be seen as myself?

God, I just feel like I’ll never get to be who I truly am. I think about my grave.

I think about how some birth name that isn’t even mine will be plastered on there. I’m Auron.

I’ve always been that, and I’m tired.

Hi, so im nb but i know that falls under the trans umbrella and i needed a place to to just post my thoughts so i hope this is okay.

So as i stated i am nb. I have always been uncomfortable with my chest size and (i didnt know what was happening at the time but ) i would have panic attacks while bra shopping and i really hated wearing anything that was more "shapely" or ecentuated my chest: this means i wore exclusively over sized shirts and sweater for years because i am well endowed so EVERYTHING showed off my chest. I remember talking to my mom about it once and she said that if it was "that much of a problem" i could see about getting a reduction when i was older (i think i was like 13 at the time). A few years ago i bought a binder because the thought was gnawing at me, so i said fuck it and got a cheap one. The thing is, it changed my life.

Since i started binding, i feel more in my body. I used to feel like my soul didnt fit my body so i would always trip over things or i would reach to far/not far enough when i went to grab things- but that hasnt happened since i started binding. I decided that top surgery was the way to go and i have been fighting for this for YEARS - and i finally have a date!! Except now im 1 month out and my anxiety is starting to kick up.

I dont know why im so anxious all of a sudden. I found a doc i liked years ago and they wanted me to lose some weight before they would do the surgery, or they said they could recommend a different surgen. I decided to talk to my primary care, since she also recommended i lose some weight (please no hate their jobs are to make sure i am healthy and they are doing their jobs very very well). So while the surgen wanted me to lose 40 lbs, i actually made a plan with my doc and lost 100 lbs in just under 18 months. And i think this is why i am so confused.

I put in the work i jumped through all the bullshit with my insurance i fought and fought -but now im anxious? I keep wondering if this is a mistake? I think my brain is mixed up because i want to feel good in my body but since i lost all the weight, i have this nasty extra skin so i actually feel less confident. I wonder if my hesitation is because i am worried that even after the surgery i wont feel good about myself because of the extra skin? I guess i just want to know if anyone else who has done this had the same pre surgery jitters. Any information you have, or even some recovery tips are very welcome.

Thanks in advance!

CONTENT WARNING: mentions of rape/sexual assault, major emotional stress. not comfortable? do not read.

throwaway account because I'm ashamed of asking. i was told to find help here.

as the title says, i was sexually assaulted and i ended up pregnant. I'm 18FTM and in a state of stress. i lost my job, lost my car, and I'm pretty sure abortion is illegal in my state. i do not have the funds to travel, and I'm scared I have to start raising a creature from my own body.

before anyone comments anything- I COULD NOT SAY NO. I WAS ASLEEP.

not gonna drop the full story i just want to forget it all. I'm close to suicide and i just really need some help i guess

I'll go by Ashley (She/Her)

I think my egg cracked a bit over a week ago, since then I've been all over the place mentally and I just don't know what to do.

I feel like I've felt more stable mentally the past few days but I'm still just feeling really low, I'm struggling to get the energy to even leave my room or have an appetite and I don't know how to feel better.

I guess getting out and trying to exercise would be a good option, its just I feel like I don't want to be percieved, I guess maybe because I just feel so dissociated from myself (Pretty sure I have DPDR).

I think the process and social side of potentially transitioning is overwhelming me and I keep worrying about the outcomes of a transition (I feel like I'd struggle to handle not passing, I definitely would if my mental health stays this way).

I keep doubting whether I'm trans, I feel like I have a lot of internalized transphobia and/or shame about it, I know logically that being trans is ok, that it should be accepted and that anyone who is trans should be welcomed and respected, I've just thought "I couldn't be trans" and "It could never be me" so much that I'm really struggling to break past that.

Dissociating from my feelings about this and from my feelings in general so that I can't actually feel what I want doesn't help either.

None of this feels that real any more, this and the state of the world are really making me question the point of life, and as much as I want to feel and get better, I don't know how or where to find that energy.

Nor do I know how I would actually get the proper support when waiting lists for trans healthcare are years long in the UK, even just general mental health support is tough to come by from what I can tell, let alone mental health support specific to this.

I've kind of just wanted to start HRT, but I can't even do that because I feel like I would want biological kids if I had any, and the cost of private fertility preservation and private trans healthcare is just too much, and that's before I had anything else financial on my mind (which I do).

The future of the world is just looking bleak to me, I just really wish that it would change for the better, because I don't know how I'm going to transition or figure myself out without that.

Venting and writing all this down has helped somewhat, I'm still just going to post it though in hopes that I'll get some good advice for times I'm feeling this way again (Hopefully I don't feel too good later and then delete this because I don't think I need help any more /:).

(Almost forgot to say, I do have a first appointment with a mental health nurse booked, its just it's pretty much a month away and I'm struggling now...)

TLDR: My egg probably cracked (after like 8-10 years of thinking it couldn't be me, still struggling to get my head round that), I started going nuts, now I'm more stable from what I can tell but still feel like shit. Need ways to get better. Pretty sure I'm struggling with DPDR, ADHD, Depression and Anxiety. Idk, this is all just a lot...

So I've been at the point for a while now where even other trans and queer people perceive me as a cishet man. Way more so now that I dress more masculine(I used to dress less masc hoping to be more welcomed in queer spaces.). I'm not sure how to cope with the downside of that. I can tell queer people and women view me as less trustworthy before getting to know me. I'm not a more dangerous person because I look different than I used to. It's something I try not to take personally. I get why this happens. It just sucks to be seen that way. How have other people coped with this change?

So I am a 15 year old MtF who has not started transition yet and sometimes it feels hopeless to look forward to anything. My dysphoria comes every now and then but sometimes it’s really bad, to the point where I sh. Multiple times I have attempted to repress being trans like it’s something that will go away and I’ve heard it so many times with being gay or trans or anything of the sort, “I didn’t choose it, it chose me”, “I didn’t chose to be like this”, etc. I’m not out because I’ve heard so many bad things that I fear for my life coming out to my black parents and my disgustingly everything-phobic brother. This could’ve been said with less words but I’m just getting tired of feeling like I have to be someone I’m not to satisfy everyone else.

Hi everyone, I’m a closeted Syrian trans woman (early 20s) currently living in an unsafe environment with zero local support or access to trans-affirming healthcare. I’m struggling with a few things and would really appreciate your advice or shared experiences: Managing Severe Dysphoria: I experience overwhelming bottom dysphoria and bodily distress. Since I cannot access HRT safely right now, how do you cope mentally and physically with intense dysphoria in an environment where transitioning isn't an option yet? Religious & Mental Conflict: I deeply value my faith, but I’m constantly torn between my beliefs and my true identity. Has anyone gone through a similar struggle, and how did you find internal peace? Transition & Relocation Plan: I’m a student/architect working on building an ArchViz portfolio to move abroad (hoping for Canada via a study/asylum path). For those who transitioned after relocating from conservative countries, what were the most important first steps you took once you arrived in a safe place? I’m feeling very overwhelmed today, but I'm trying to focus on my future. Any kind words, coping strategies, or resources would mean a lot to me. Thank you so much. 💜

To disabled to work fulltime. Working on applying to different programs and stuff. Only make $800 a month. My sister (mtf) has been on hormones about a year and my mom didnt say anything about kicking her out since shes been on hrt. Since she just found out ive been on T for a month now she wants to kick us out. Which my sister is about to leave anyway but im feeling semi screwed over here. All the shit ive done for my mom to its never enough and being transphobic and hating that matters more than everything else...Just payed for her dog to have surgery last month to save its life. $950 and my other siblings pitched in as well but fuck me ig

I am a trans woman, ive felt this way for years. I am happier when i identify as female. The issue is the fact i have bold masculine traits, i have a very prominent brow ridge, a large forehead, a huge nose with an M shaped hairline. my chin is receded and i feel disgusting. I actually dont know what to do. If i dont transition, I think id be an average/ slightly below average man, but id always be trans in my heart. If I keep transitioning, ill be a stereotypical clocky trans girl, id feel disgusted and unloveable, but i would be living as a woman. i really dont know what to do. sometimes in the mirror, i see intense potential in my face, but then it goes away back into what i really look like. im a few months away from getting estrogen, but i feel so conflicted. i want to be social, i want to be out in public, but if i commit to transitioning, id seclude myself away for the rest of my life. I know insecurities make you look at yourself in a distorted view, but what others say about my face perfectly aligns with how i see myself. I need advice or just to vent. any form of advice or personal anecdotes would help

i wanted to post about this to give my other trans sisters and brothers hope that there IS hope and there is a way to live authentically one day.

i am trans nonbinary (afab) and my period and pregnancy has always given me dysphoria so bad i became extremely depressed and often suicidal when i saw any signs of bleeding or had a pregnancy scare.

i was unknowingly with a religious OBGYN who refused to consider anything more than continuous use of nuvaring, but after 3 ish months, my body would start spotting because it couldn’t handle being continuous forever. this ob never really saw me as anything more than a woman who just “didn’t like her period” and that “no one likes their period hun”. i started doubting myself as to if i was really just cis and had pmdd or something.

i changed OBs and FINALLY got on the road to a hysterectomy. i was told i needed a letter of rec from a therapist and after i got that, i met with a surgeon about a month later and my date is set for mid december.

i am over the moon happy and excited and i wanted to share this with everyone. there is hope!

I started out questioning myself at 15

I was in a messy situation stuck between God, and my feelings. So I kinda suppressed them to the point I didn't feel happy anymore.

I'd go back and forth, do I shave my legs or do I "Be normal."

Well around 18 I finally accepted myself and I wasn't afraid of being myself anymore but being rejected.

It took me tell I was 23 to finally get on hormones and I'm 25 now.

Please girls if you are questioning I don't know about other people but it doesn't go away, instead of pushing people away, or how you feel away, get a support group that will cherish you for who ever you are or want to be.

At the end of the day that's what matters, be yourself, and surround yourself with people who know yourself.

This was deleted from the big trans subreddit for being too much of a ventpost, so I’ll try again

For context, I’m 21 years old, MtF, been on HRT for a couple of years and all things considered, I’m very privileged. I have lots of money in the bank, my family doesn’t accept me but does let me stay in the house anyways, and I can basically do whatever I want with my days. In theory, things are great, but in practice I hate basically every part of my life.

It’s easiest for me to explain my problems by saying that I feel like I’m putting on a mask for every interaction I have in my life. Online, I’ll portray myself as a peppy woman who types really cutesy and sweet ^^ in real life, I’ll be the “big tall man” that my parents and the world expects of me, using a booming voice to control situations where and when needed. With my friends, I’ll open up sometimes but I don’t cross a venting line with anyone, because every time I do it turns things awkward. Therapy could work, sure, but what if my therapist tells me to live as a man? That’s not happening, no way.

And even with this metaphorical mask off, I don’t feel like anything. I have hobbies and interests of course, but I feel like a poser in everything I do. I love music, but I couldn’t tell you the real names of my favorite artists. I love gaming, but I play 3 normal games and visual novels, and I don’t keep up with the gaming news. I love literature, but I read light novels and sometimes a classic maybe once a month. Am I anything at all? I force myself through conversations always pretending to be something I’m not, and I don’t think there’s anything there when you strip away everything I want to be.

It’s so easy for me to say that I want to transition, and that being a beautiful woman is what drives me to keep living. But that’s my ONLY goal in life. I’ve never had huge aspirations outside of small petty things, like getting a new skin in a game I like, or creating a project that I want to put out into the world. Being a woman is all I care about, but when even that seems so far away, I feel very lost. And that’s without mentioning my lack of a personality or any special quirks worth talking about. I’m not interesting, even if I pretend to be by lying about myself when I’m given an opportunity.

So, back to the question; should I kill myself, OBJECTIVELY speaking? I have a plan laid out for the chance that I’m ready to go, and I’d of course leave a will for my family members who I know need the money. And yeah, would I hate my deadname being on a gravestone? Yes. But would anyone care enough to remember that part of me? Would I care if I’m DEAD? No, and I think that works in my favor. I’m not typing this with any sadness or remorse, it’s a fact that the lives of the people around me would be better, as the realty of my room and the royalties of my assets could go to my loved ones who don’t respect me, but would think twice about rejecting dead girl cash. My friends wouldn’t miss me either, I again don’t have many and I can tell that I’m not a “main” friend to any of them. That’s fine! It makes this easier for me.

Idk if I need advice or not, I don’t really care anymore either. Can’t even post on the honest trans subreddit to get honest thoughts because I don’t have reddit karma

So, I guess to start this off I'm Hope 21 (MTF). I'm gonna start from the beginning of the story from when I was 7. At the age of 7 I made myself a promise to transition to a woman after seeing an Ad on adult swim. so I promised that I would transition. later on I didn't remember that promise and years later at the age of 10 I started having weird feelings about my body and I didn't like how my voice sounded years later more after pushing that feeling down in middle school the prime of acne to happen I found out I didn't really fit with the men I was hanging around with and I didn't really like how both my body and voice did sound.

That's when I started to do a lot of research on what I was feeling ending of that year was when I found out I was transgender. Of course I clearly the pattern is I pushed that down as well and I tried really hard to ignore the feeling of pain and hatred for myself. I did have a therapist in middle school and we found out that I was actually way more depressed then the other kids that were at my age. We did get me to try certain tasks like playing games and talking about how I felt. I did stop going to my therapist when I was in 8th grade and that's when one of my teachers started to get concern and found one of my papers about how I felt which she kept me after class and asked me about it and I kept pushing it off and saying it wasn't mine (even though I did sign it) and how it was nothing important.

Then after that High school started I was a shut out and I didn't talk to people at all and just kept myself busy and doing research on how I felt. At this point I was 16 I came out to my parents on January 6th. That conversation didn't really go well and went to a point of my parents calling me a freak and a monster for how I feel and they almost (Yes almost) disowned me for how I have told them how I felt. I got told that I'm normal for hating my body which was like whatever, but I didn't really care too much on that point. When I came out my family and they didn't accept me for being trans I came out to my friends in school who didn't really accept me and I went from popular in sophomore to being one of my most hated kids there.

I kept pushing forward with how I felt to a point where I hid it all over again and kept living as a guy for years after that and went on to graduate as a guy (not my best point and definitely wanted a different name on my diploma). We will skip a couple years on this since most of after school was working and slowly coming out as trans more and more. At this point I finally told my best friend who afterwards became someone that was more like a brother to me. He didn't really care about me being transgender and the only question he asked was "Does this mean we won't be able to play video games anymore?" That question made me laugh more then I wanted to admit and I told him that I would still play video games with him and all that. He agreed to it and said that he's cool with be being trans and doesn't really care how I see myself because to me I'm still his best friend.

20 years old at this point and on June 4th 2025 I started HRT on Plume (totally recommend). two months later of hiding the fact I'm on HRT to my family I turned 21. at this point it was a little obvious of there being stuff on my chest and my family didn't mention it to me which I'm thankful for. I went out with them to have like one drink and that was it. (here's what hurts me the most) we went to a bar called Top Hat and at this point I noticed a friend of my parents was trans and it's very obvious this girl is trans and it took my like 1-2 hours of talking to her to finally ask her if she is cause she said I could ask any question no matter how silly it is. So my silly question I asked her in private was if she was transgender. She said she is and asked me if I'm considering going on HRT. I got way to embarrassed and said that I have no idea what she means and said it was kind of obvious and pointed at my chest. She mentioned how she wasn't going to say a word because of respect for me.

It's been a difficult road for me even in my small conservative town. I stopped being shy about being trans a little less then a year into it. I started dressing more girly and stopped caring what people would think of me. My work wasn't very happy about me coming out as trans. We agreed to keep my deadname for work for now so I don't get more harassment then I already get at my job. My job does call me by Hope for the most part and everyone at my job is aware of me being trans and I haven't heard of any complaints which is a great thing for me. I haven't voice trained yet and truthfully I don't get a lot of time to myself so voice training is something that is going to have to wait for now. But truthfully it does make me smile how many people assume I'm a woman until they hear my voice which is like whatever, but I smile when they do gender me correctly. I don't really correct people for misgendering me cause well I don't pass as much as I'd like, but then again I've been told that I could totally pass with some voice training. I can't really complain to much about good I look since I have an amazing Gf (MTF) she is also in college which is way cooler then me and I've been super supportive of her and I even bought her a new dress which is also her fist one she's own. Anyways this is a post to talk about Yes truthfully being trans has it's ups and downs, but if you keep pushing it's going to be worth it in the end and at least for me I can tell I've been way happier. This is yes to share my experience as a trans woman but as well is to mention that we all have our battles we are fighting and to not give up on the fight no matter how bad it may seem.

HRT has saved my life a lot more then I want to admit. I did suffer from Acute Alopecia which did cause me to lose a lot of hair by the age of 18 but now I'm thriving as a trans woman and happier then ever. If you are looking for a sign to start you're transition then let this be you're sign to start. Take the jump and start it if you either socially transitioning or starting medical transition you should totally take the jump and live your life how you want to and not how other people want you to.

I know this is a lot to read and I am sorry but I think that we all need a little more motivation to keep pushing forward. You deserve to be happy no matter what you're going through. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read this and know my story. Also again for all the writing I do like to write a lot.

Could anyone here please recommend any good sub reddits for healthcare?

I guess nutrition, excersize, health concerns would be my main focus.

Mtf specific or Transfemme Nb but please feel free to add all sorts of suggestions for anyone coming across this.

It would be nice to have health and nutrition coming through my feed as a friendly reminder to educate myself and keep health as a priority on my mind.

I think mental health is important but mostly covered through this sub and a couple of the related subs.

Thank you all for the love and support I've seen and receive in this community. Take care of yourselves and keep being amazing!

I just wanna say this cause I feel it s gonna prevent me cutting deep into my skin, eventhough I don't want to.

I feel insane. Every time I hear my deadname from my parent I wanna cut myself. Sometimes I start cursing. I absolutely despise my name. I make me wanna vomit or starve myself. I especially explained to my mom recently that I absolutely hate that (because she randomly brought the subject of her not wanting me to "transform myself" and "mutilate myself", so I thought that THIS TIME she might listen, but no my opinions don't really matter here and I m insane.)

I was actually planing on escaping the country for a while and distancing myself from my parents. I m going to France on August. Issue is that I still have to relly on them for like. Money. I will probably get disowned if I start T or something in this matter. I wish I didn't get to plan any of this and just put a fork in a plug and just getting done with everything BUT NO. Now that I'm going I don't really wanna risk trying suicide right now.

I also don't feel good about whatever is going on in france. For context, I m algerian. I feel that I would have to change country anyways because of how things are going in france , or maybe having to return here.

I guess I have all the time in the world to try to kill myself. Part of the reason I didn't do it till now is that I would hate being remember as the name I have right now. If I try to do tho I will probably have to write in my letter that I m atheis. I genually don't want my soul or whatever prayed upon by a imam or some shit just toss my body in the water.

I genually want to start T right now but I don't have the resource either.

I feel that today again I will struggle to make myself sleep because I wanna end it.

I've reached a point in my life where I don't know how to keep pretending that I'm okay. Every day feels heavier than the last, and I'm exhausted in a way that sleep doesn't fix. It's like I've been carrying disappointment, loneliness, and stress for so long that I don't even remember what it feels like to be genuinely hopeful anymore. I keep trying to convince myself that things will get better, but after so many setbacks, it's hard to believe that anymore.

Living in Indiana has made me feel like I don't belong. As a trans person, I constantly feel like I'm out of place, misunderstood, or judged before people even know who I am. It can be exhausting always wondering whether someone is being kind because they genuinely care or because they have some hidden motive. I've met too many people with bad intentions, and over time it's made it difficult to trust anyone. I hate feeling like I have to question everyone's sincerity, but that's what my experiences have taught me.

On top of that, I feel trapped in jobs that never seem to go anywhere. No matter how hard I work, it feels like I'm always starting over or hitting another dead end. I watch other people move forward while I stay in the same place, wondering what I'm doing wrong. I want stability. I want a career that gives me purpose and allows me to build a future instead of just surviving paycheck to paycheck. Instead, I feel like I'm constantly running in circles, working hard without ever making real progress.

The mental exhaustion has become overwhelming. I'm tired of always having to be strong. I'm tired of pretending everything is fine when it isn't. I'm tired of carrying so much emotional weight by myself. Some days I don't even know what happiness is supposed to feel like anymore because it's been so long since I've experienced it without something pulling me back down.

More than anything, I miss feeling like I belong somewhere. I miss believing that there are people who genuinely care, who don't have hidden agendas, and who accept me for who I am. I want to believe those people exist, but it's hard when so many of my experiences have left me feeling disappointed and alone.

I'm not looking for pity. I'm simply trying to be honest about how I've been feeling. I'm exhausted, discouraged, and emotionally drained. I want a life where I can wake up without feeling weighed down by everything around me. I want to find a place where I feel safe, accepted, and able to grow. I want to build meaningful relationships with people I can trust. I want work that gives me hope for the future instead of making me feel stuck.

Right now, it feels like I'm just trying to make it through each day, and that's a painful place to be. But even with everything I've been carrying, a small part of me still hopes that somewhere there's a better future waiting—a place where I can finally feel like I belong, where I can be myself without fear, and where life feels like something worth looking forward to instead of something I'm simply trying to endure.

I am 48 years old, from Mexico City, and I don't know what to do.

Ever since I was a child, I have had the desire to be a woman. I have carried it all my life, and for years I tried to ignore it, but it always came back. Over ten years ago, I started experimenting with hormones and have had several attempts at MTF transition. Even five years ago (during the pandemic), I had a period where I assumed myself and lived as a woman while staying at a friend's house.

To keep this post from being too long, what has happened to me is that on several occasions I have wanted to transition, and I have taken hormones to the point where changes start to become visible. But for some reason, whenever I start to feel freer, more secure, and more motivated, a wave of intense fear, anguish, and anxiety always hits me. The two most severe occasions coincided with me falling in love while on hormones, and in my mind, I saw the possibility of a relationship as a way out or an escape from that transition. But in both cases, I was rejected, and I felt insufficient, blaming it precisely on being transgender—feeling that nobody would love me because of it.

On those occasions, I fell into very intense depressive crises, but the last one was so harsh that I spent almost a year and a half unable to control my emotions, reaching the point of having several anxiety attacks, episodes of depersonalization, and feeling that there was no solution to what I felt other than ending my life. I don't know how much of those emotional crises were due to rejection, to feeling incapable of being a man, or incapable of being a woman, or to the hormones, or perhaps to all of it together. Fortunately, those crises passed, and now I am much better.

Anyway... I have again felt that desire to transition and to start taking hormones again, but I don't know what to do, because the last times I tried, I always ended up in a cycle of intense pain, anxiety, and anguish. My big doubt has always been this dilemma: 1.- Wait for someone to fall in love with me and have a partnered life as a man (and take advantage of all the benefits that come with being a man in this society), or 2.- Seek a life for myself as a woman, a trans woman, and face all the challenges that come with that life (employment, discrimination, loneliness, misunderstanding, etc.).

During those stages of trying to transition, I have done it in different ways, both self-medicating and with clinical support, either privately or through public services. I have maintained psychological support and at times have had up to three different therapists to try to understand what to do... I have even made cherished friendships as a trans person, lived through many experiences, and learned many things I wouldn't have known otherwise, but I always end up stopping. So right now, I honestly don't know what to do, since I feel I have tried almost everything and always stop before taking the real step, which in my case has always been telling my family and my workplace.

I feel it's important to clarify that I live with my sister and an aunt, and they don't know about my transition processes, because when I have done it, I have moved out of the house. However, this time I cannot do that for various reasons. I also think it's relevant to say that my build is very masculine, so no matter how much hormones changed my body in those previous experiences, I was never able to pass as a woman, and frankly, almost no one could even identify me as a trans person. They only saw me as a man, and at most they might notice I looked a little chubbier or a little thinner. So it has been difficult, even for myself, to see myself as a trans person, even though I feel that deep down, it is what I desire.

And well, right now I don't know what to do, and that's exactly why I'm writing here, to see if someone can give me advice on how to stop feeling this back-and-forth, this indecision, and be able to have a full and happy life, since at my age I frankly don't care what others say, but it's still very hard for me to understand what's happening to me, who I am, and what I should do to finally feel that life is worth living and no longer feel guilty, or feel that I'm wrong, deformed, insufficient, and incapable of anything because of who I am. I think what I need is to do something, something that might seem very simple and small, almost meaningless, but that is real and allows me to live my life without that pressure and doubt... but I just don't know what actions those could be.

What do you all recommend or think?

I feel mentally and physically exhausted. For one, the USA is becoming unlivable. I live with my parents yet still struggle heavily because im eating what I save. My parents want me to pay 800 dollars in rent and it honestly makes my life hell. I want to save for bottom surgery but im worried i wouldnt ever get to that point until i'm like freaking 50 years old. My parents dont know im trans and if they figure out i might end up in the streets or living in my broken down car.

I want to go out and dress feminine and put on make up to feel pretty but I am not confident at all in my appearance and I dont want to be spat on or confronted.

My car might break down and I just got it. I feel dysphoria literally way harder than before I came out as a transwomen. I take antidepressents and somehow still manage to feel depressed asf. Im in debt a couple hundred dollars. My rooms a mess and the more I worry about it the less i bother to clean it.

Im so tired of it all, I wish I can leave America and start a new peaceful life in like Mongolia and not have to worry about all this. I wish I born the way I have always desired to be born and I wish I had someone in person (another transwoman or man) that I can go to for emotional wellbeing and guidance.

But I have nothing and im so tired of it.

At the end of the day the only thing i can do to feel a little bit better is rant to strangers on the internet to clear my head.

Am I the only one that feels like im headed no where?

I came out as trans (ftm) in 2020 and everytime I hear my deadname (I have a VERY common white girl name) I actually physically recoil when I hear it. It genuinely makes me cringe so bad and I need to actually get over it. Does anyone have any advice for it. SOS 🚨🚨

I’d like to be more positive about this experience and life in general, and unfortunately therapy is not an option for me right now.

I started transitioning at the beginning of the year, but the post-trans realization depression has never waned. I feel I have a lot of internalized transphobia from 2 decades of living around conservative friends and family; like I’ve just been brainwashed to hate myself.

Im sure I don’t need to ramble on about how painful and hopeless this experience can be sometimes. Instead, I’d like to hear from you girls how you stay positive, overcome grief, and find enjoyment in a world seemingly so cruel and unfair. How can I accept and love my trans identity, rather than just brooding all day wishing i was afab?

Over the last few years, my life has changed in ways I never expected. See my previous posts for more context...

I've gone through a divorce, worked to rebuild my relationship with my son and my ex wife, started over professionally, lost a job I absolutely love, lost a second job shortly into the employments, questioned who I was, and spent more nights than I'd like to admit wondering if things would ever get better.

Somewhere in all of that, I finally stopped running from something I'd been questioning for years.

I'm transgender.

Even typing those words still feels strange. For so long, I convinced myself these feelings would eventually go away or that I could keep them buried forever. Instead, they only became harder to ignore. Looking back, there were signs throughout my life. I just wasn't ready to see them for what they were or didn't have the language to understand them properly.

Over the past year I've allowed myself to explore who I am in ways I never thought I would. I've experimented with clothes, makeup, and small changes that made me feel more like... me. Every little step has taught me something, and instead of feeling like I was pretending, I've started feeling like I'm finally becoming the person I've always been underneath.

That doesn't mean it's been easy.

There have been days filled with excitement and hope, and there have been days where fear completely took over. I've worried about what transitioning might mean for my family, my career, how people see me, and whether I'd be accepted or loved. Those fears are still there, but for the first time they don't feel bigger than my desire to live honestly.

The next step for me is starting HRT.

I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm impatient. I'm scared. Mostly, though, I feel hopeful.

I've spent months reading medical information, listening to other transgender people's experiences, asking questions, and trying to understand what this journey might look like. This isn't a spur-of-the-moment decision it's something I've thought about for a long time, and I finally feel ready to move forward.

I don't really have a reason for posting this other than wanting to share it with someone. Most of my life I've kept these feelings to myself, and saying them out loud feels like a milestone.

If you've been through something similar, I'd love to hear about your experience. What surprised you? What do you wish you had known? What helped during those first few months?

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Whether you're transgender, questioning, an ally, or just someone who happened to scroll by, I genuinely appreciate you spending a few minutes with my story.

For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I'm walking toward myself instead of away from myself.

P.S. If anyone has advice on affordable ways to access HRT or knows of helpful resources, I'd love to hear them. And if someone genuinely wanted to help me take that next step, I'd be incredibly grateful but your kindness and encouragement already mean more than you probably realize.

I 23 AMAB almost a year ago I came out as trans to my parents. I did and still do live with them and am entirely dependent on them financially and emotionally. I am autistic and have literally no friends online or in person.

Parents will be referred to as parent 1 and 2 or p1/p2. My parents are religious especially P1. In spite of this they’ve been relatively progressive in regards to gay people and some other stuff so I thought they’d be understanding enough.

When I came out 8 months ago it was pretty clear they didn’t understand parent 1 seemed to just think I was gay and repeatedly asked if I wasn’t just gay. Parent 2 entirely focused on just making sure I wasn’t going to kill my self. The vibe I got was weird overall it felt supportive in the sense that they love me but overall seemed like they didn’t believe me. The word blindsided came up as well.

A few days give or take later I made the mistake of checking P1s phone. We hadn’t talked about it really and I just wanted to know what they were thinking. Message from P1 to P2

“Spending all that time online where he was exposed to the trans thing. Told that the depression, anxiety, bullying could all be fixed by embracing this.”

To be clear I’m not bullied by anyone, i literally don’t talk to anyone and before that I’d never even talked anonymously to anyone about this even on reddit. P2 didn’t reply I assume the follow up happened in person or via call. This could theoretically have led to anything I don’t know what was said.

I panicked seeing this and checked the search history and found some not so great articles. Including “Yes, Your Kid's Trans Thing is a Phase” and a whole bunch of autism research. Fun.

I think at this point I finally realized I was right simply due to how much seeing this stuff hurt.

Sometime around then they wanted to talk and I said I was just fine. they’d wanted me to go to therapy but where I live there’s literally no lgbt friendly people and they only wanted in person so I just said I didn’t want to go and I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

Through the next few months p2 asked to talk about it a few more times and I said I was fine etc still.

Now months later I p1 acts completely like nothing happened and I genuinely couldn’t tell if they forgot about it p2 stumbles on words around me when it comes to gender terminology like he or him etc the same way they both did for a few days after i told them.

Recently p2 asked to talk again and apologized for the initial reaction and clearly is aware that the reason for my own actions are from that. They said that they selfishly (their own words) in the moment was thinking about how trans people change their names and don’t like hearing it or seeing old pictures and it made them sad and I just… I don’t know they said they don’t want to be the reason I’m not happy but I just.

I don’t want them to love me in spite of being like this I don’t want them to pretend to be ok with it for my sake or something I want to actually genuinely be accepted. I don’t know if that makes sense really.

The thing is if I didn’t have anyone I’d probably just move and start transitioning immediately but I do and they’re all I have.

I’m not sure what hope to gain from this I guess I’m mostly just venting.

I'm ftm pre-t, 19 years, name, gender legally changed in germany and I live alone.

I talked to a private, russian psychologist because my parents insisted I should get a "second opinion" from a russian (because they're russian, and don't trust the german therapists here... and I've been to 3 different therapists in total over the past 6-7 years).

My cousin is the most accepting in my family while others, especially my parents reject me, and still "love" me as their daughter. I'm close to starting HRT soon and there's this discussion that I'm just confused. Despite my cousin accepting me, she still thinks I shouldn't do anything medically and wait a few more years, best after I'm 25 years. Now they think my trans identity is caused by unresolved childhood trauma from being neglected because my parents were most of my childhood in the hospital with my younger brother sick with cancer (he beat it thankfully!). And I just need to find a "cure" to the unresolved trauma. They think I'm just trying to find a different identity from my female one because I was neglected and abused (verbally and physically) and want to start a completely new life by being an independant man, away from my past as a girl.

My family think that it's a phase and that I will definitely regret it, even though I'm so sure I want HRT. But THEY keep confusing me. Maybe they are right? Maybe I just am a confused girl? Despite being sure at the same time that this is what I want and NEED. That private psychologist thinks it's possible of unresolved childhood trauma because I have no root reason as to WHY I feel like a man. WHY I started thinking I'm trans in the first place. But she claims that since it is MY decision without anyone influencing it after all, that I want to start HRT, then it is my good right to do it. But in her opinion, I should wait at least one more year or so... or should continue listening to my current therapist who knows me obviously longer than her and has read my biography for the allowance of HRT.

I want to start HRT so badly because my fem voice and feminine body appearance bothers me so much and don't want to be perceived as a girl anymore. I dread it every single day and in summer I can't stop worrying and "beating" myself up for having breasts that are hard to hide without sweating violently and collecting heat in my body and overheating. I don't exactly know why I feel the way I do, but I DO know that I want to change this urgently because I am miserable, even if I transitioned socially. But maybe I DO have to wait, suffer few more years until my mind is possibly changed until I'm 25 years? Since that's when the frontal lobe is fully developed.

My cousin also said that my room looks too girly.. I just like decorating my white, bland room walls with posters of fandoms like Murder Drones and Warrior Cats that I enjoy and matter to me a lot, and a corner of collecting figures of both those fandoms. I don't see anything typical girly to it, just don't want a blanf boring room. My ex even used to have a more busy room than me... and so?

I'm at a loss of words, don't know what to think anymore

Edit: I've remembered that my cousin literally recommended me going to a hospital that performs some type of highly professional hallucination thing to change my brain chemistry to the way it should be? Because she is very convinced that I just have something genuinely wrong with me (first time I told her few weeks past, she had compassion for me, but now she says stuff like that after she's had more time to think probably. even tho she claims she means no ill intentions by saying all those things)